Chapter 19 Chapter Eighteen

"Are you finally willing to open the door?" Feng Yi'an stood at the door, the lights in the room shone on him, his face was sullen, his tone was unfriendly, he pressed the doorbell for a long time, and continued to ring with inertia, after a while It took a while to stop. Xin Chen thought that there was no place where she could take a breath and be quiet, she put her hands on the door and said in annoyance: "What are you doing, Feng Yi'an?" "Why do you turn off your phone, are you afraid that I will harass you?" He asked aggressively. She ignored his question, "I'm about to leave, let's go down together."

She opened the door to go out, but Feng Yi'an took a step forward and stepped in, "It's not bad here, it's quiet, we can have a good talk." Xin Chen was a little helpless, she had known Feng Yi'an for almost two years, and had been in a formal relationship for more than a year, he was always considered gentle and reasonable, although he behaved erratically in the later period, she only thought it was his son-in-law who lost his temper, and now she couldn't help but feel sorry for him. This man who suddenly showed anger at every turn was quite strange and speechless.The invisible low pressure he brought made her feel that the room that had not been ventilated for several days was suddenly stuffy. She simply opened the security door to let the wind from the balcony form convection with this side, then looked at him, waiting for him to speak first .

Feng Yi'an walked into the middle of the room and looked around. He had sent Xin Chen home more than once before, and he was familiar with the layout of the place. Although he knew that the place was facing demolition, the walls in front of him were so desolate and empty that they had been washed away by a flood. Some surprised. "Where do you live now?" "I'm temporarily staying at my cousin's house." "It's not good to live in someone else's house all the time." Xin Chen laughed silently, it was natural, she knew better today than ever what it means not to have a space of her own, "What can I do for you?"

Feng Yi'an was a little bit stunned by the question, and he paused for a while before saying, "Do I have to find you if I have something to do?" "You seem to have forgotten, Yian, we have already broken up." "Unmarried men and unmarried women, breaking up once is not an obstacle to meeting again?" Feng Yi'an said with a bit of yin and yang, "Let's find another reason for rejection." Xin Chen smiled, "Do you still need a reason? Less meetings will save trouble." Feng Yi'an was a little irritable, "I only found out a few days ago that my mother came to see you, why didn't you tell me?"

Xin Chen turned his head and thought for a while, "This is really a problem. Well, it's just a general reasoning. I guess what your mother told me should have told you many times at home, and I have to tell you again. , Is it counted as a confession? I’m sorry, but I have never felt sorry to anyone for my background and what happened.” "So as soon as I opened my mouth to say goodbye, you nodded and agreed." Xin Chen remained silent. During that time Feng Yi'an was a bit irritable, often arguing with her over trivial matters, and walked away more than once. tolerated.It wasn't until Mother Feng found her that she realized that other people's families had already quarreled over her.

She politely called Aunt Feng's mother, but Feng's mother called her Miss Xin, and she spoke very straight to the point: "Yi'an's father and I just happened to know something about the situation, and I think you and Yi'an are not suitable." Xin Chen was surprised, and after hearing her talk, "I've filmed some unseemly commercials, had a puppy love, had several boyfriends, my mother is unknown, my father was once involved in a fraud lawsuit..." Xin Chen suddenly turned cold. , raised his eyebrows and said with a smile: "Auntie, you have bothered to find so many people to inquire about it, why don't you just ask me directly, I must be much more detailed than what they said."

"Really?" Mother Feng smiled reservedly, "When your uncle introduced you, he didn't make it clear to my family. He only said that you are a single-parent family. I am not satisfied with this. Do you think that if you knew the whole situation , shall we let Yian meet you?" Xin Chen said seriously: "My uncle has never paid attention to trivial gossip, and he has no need to hide anything for me. The things you said are basically my private affairs, and have nothing to do with my uncle. I never hide anything Whoever you have done, but you are not obliged to explain to others. If you can’t accept it, that’s your business.”

Mother Feng obviously didn't expect her to be so tough, "Do you think you have already controlled Yi'an and don't have to worry about your lord's objection? Then you are wrong. I will make it clear to you that we will definitely not I agree with him to marry you." Xin Chen laughed loudly, "Auntie, if I'm not wrong, you've told Yi'an all this. If he is a good son who listens to you, he doesn't need to bother you to come find me again." Mother Feng was at a loss for words, and after a while, she said angrily: "You don't have to be proud, he will understand sooner or later that marriage is not as simple as he imagined. After all, you are Director Xin's niece, and you don't want me to discuss the two of you with him. thing."

If Feng's mother said she wanted to find her father Xin Kaiyu, she would not care at all, she would be happy to let this outrageously conceited old lady touch a bag, but when it comes to uncle, of course she can't let him face embarrassment, "Your son is just like me!" I'm an adult, isn't it a bit ridiculous to find parents like this? And a mere family of deputy department-level cadres is not worth my trouble, and I will make this clear to Yi'an." After breaking up unhappy, Xin Chen was really annoyed, and Feng Yi'an came to her another day, she tried her best to control her anger, and was going to see what he had to say, but he was silent for a long time, and said: "Xin Chen, let's break up."

Xin Chen felt as if she had been robbed of her lines. She almost wanted to raise her head and laugh, but Feng Yi'an was staring at her closely with burning eyes. He glanced at him, nodded, "Okay." Then he got up and walked away. "Did you never ask me why I broke up with you?" Xin Chen said honestly: "I happen to be not at all curious about the reason." Feng Yi'an stared at her, his eyes were full of anger, and the veins on his forehead were throbbing, "From the beginning to the end, you have always looked like you have nothing to do. Falling in love? Yes; Marriage? Think about it, maybe; Apologize? It doesn't matter, count broke up? Well..."

"Otherwise, what do you want me to do? Sorry, I don't have much dramatic emotional expression, especially when it comes to breaking up, I really don't have the habit of pulling on my clothes to provide others with psychological satisfaction." "Have you ever cared about me? Xinchen, I found fault with you and quarreled with you, and you just put on a gesture of ignoring me; as soon as I said goodbye, you said yes, and never asked the reason, don't you think Are you already chilling yourself?" "I thought the time we spent together was not short. You should know that my character is like this. I will cherish those who are willing to stay by my side; as for those who can't, I think it's better to let them go." "Treasure?" Feng Yi'an repeated the word heavily, "At least I have never felt what you cherish. To put it bluntly, you think I am not worthy of your retention, right?" Xin Chen said troubledly and tiredly: "Yi'an, did you come here specially to quarrel with me? When we were together, I wasn't so carefree, let alone today." Feng Yi'an sneered, "Very well, you won, I admit defeat, crawl back again to ask you for peace, are you happy? Don't hold back, just laugh at me heartily." Xin Chen was taken aback, she had no intention of competing with Feng Yi'an at all, the breakup annoyed her for a few days, she didn't think about it any more, "What's this for? Playing on split and reunion, I'm sorry , If you say break up, then break up, if you say reconcile, then reconcile, if I feel comfortable with this way of getting along, then your mother really told me that I have serious psychological problems." Feng Yi'an said silently, "I'm sorry on behalf of my mother, she has no right to say those things to you." "I accept the apology, don't bring it up again, let's go, I'm tired today." Feng Yi'an stood in front of her, motionless, with an indifferent expression, "I don't need to expect you to be curious about my behavior and psychology, and I can also conclude that you really have no feelings for me. My initial judgment was not wrong, you just need a A knowledgeable and interesting man will accompany you." "Again, this is accusing me of being selfish. Well, I am selfish, but I have never pretended to be unselfish to deceive anyone's feelings, and please reflect on yourself, okay? You hear you What was the first thing that came to mind when Mom said those words? Of course you mind, but you don’t want to question me face to face; If you are not happy personally, then there is no need to continue.” Feng Yi'an looked at her coldly, and said clearly: "You think of me very obscenely. I admit that my parents are very concerned about those things, but I have the basic ability to judge. You can't choose your origin. Your parents' Behavior has nothing to do with you. You were young when you were shooting the commercial. Speaking of promiscuous boyfriends, Xin Chen, I’m not a fool. Would I think the girl who was the first time I was with me was a messy woman? " Xin Chen was speechless for the first time, she stared at Feng Yi'an in a daze. Feng Yi'an suddenly reached out to hug her, and she struggled instinctively, but he held her firmly and approached her face, "The only thing I care about is whether you ever loved me or not, is it worth my risk of arguing with my parents? Danger awaits you?" Xin Chen stopped struggling, and suddenly there was an oppressive silence in the empty room, and the heartbeat of the two could almost be heard. After a long time, Xin Chen showed a wry smile, "Yi'an, I think you are such a thoughtful person, if you don't Put those things your parents care about in your heart, then when you tell me to break up, you already have the answer to the question of whether it is worth it or not." Feng Yi'an slowly let go, "Yes, I thought I had thought it through, but every time I saw you again, I realized that I overestimated my reason and underestimated my memory. I hate you for being so It's easy to be indifferent and forget. That first time is far less important to you than it is to me, right?" Xin Chen's first time was indeed with Feng Yi'an, although Feng Yi'an was not the first man who had a physical reaction when holding her. The city is always bustling and bustling, and the university is full of fresh faces, and the eyes of boys who see Xin Chen are always bright.But she was caught in a sudden loneliness, her heart was full of bitterness, she often sat alone, unable to raise her spirits about anything, and frequently suffered from nightmares. Knowing that she was not in the right state, she also tried to adjust and joined several clubs, but acting, singing, and dancing all bored her. The only way to go was walking. Everyone was silent and strode forward. After the body was exhausted, she could fall asleep peacefully. She persisted. She doesn't reject other people's pursuit, but the duration of each interaction is not long. When those hot-blooded boys make further demands on her, she almost retreats instinctively, and retracts her hand like lightning again and again. For the first time, I avoided the faces of others approaching me. Xin Kaiyu did not give her chastity education, but after she started to develop, let her read books on physical hygiene and know how to protect herself. It's a pity that such a book can't teach an adolescent girl how to deal with emotions and unify the development of body and mind.When she was a girl, she faced Lu Fei who carefully controlled and restrained herself. She was used to his care and patience. The turmoil caused by those kisses on her body was so hazy, beautiful and free of impurities. She only knew it after he left. mean something. Facing the enthusiasm from others, she can't mobilize the same emotion no matter what. She is not afraid of losing that layer of membrane, and she has enough common sense to know how to avoid accidents, but she can't convince herself to be so intimate with others. the point. Realizing this, she thought desperately: Is it impossible to be close to people again in the future?Could it be that that hug has already branded himself? This point of desperation caused her to become surly, and she cut off contact with others without explaining when she felt unsatisfactory, completely ignoring the gazes of others.Gradually, Xin Chen, the arrogant and indifferent beauty majoring in graphic design, became quite notorious. Boys who couldn't pursue her kept her at arm's length, and girls who couldn't get used to her gave her a cold, squinting look. She just didn't care. There are always new suitors to accompany her to pass the loneliness. However, loneliness is a bit of a rascal. After being dismissed forcibly, it can make a comeback every time when she is least defensive. Most importantly, Lu Fei has never completely walked out of her life. Xin Chen rejected the email that Lu Fei sent, but Xin Di kept in touch with him and kept sharing short news from him with everyone. The name fell into Xin Chen's ears inadvertently but uninterruptedly. It can make waves in her heart, but she can't say: "Please don't mention him in front of me." He had promised to come back when he got his degree, and once the thought came to her mind, she could no longer talk herself out of it. A faint hope grew in her heart, she didn't dare to touch it, but she was aware of it from time to time, so she was even more perfunctory towards other people's enthusiasm. In the third year of junior high school, the time for Lu Fei to graduate is getting closer and closer. On this day, Xin Chen finally couldn't hold back the squirming in his heart, and turned on Xin Di's computer.Xin Di has always tried to save trouble, and the mailbox at home is set to automatically log in when the computer is turned on.Xinchen hesitated for a long time, and clicked on a recent email from Lufei. The content was very simple. He talked about the smooth progress of the internship. The reform of the business curriculum in the school emphasized the combination with real business. He is personally very interested in venture capital, and feels more and more that he needs to find a related job after graduation in order to better digest theoretical knowledge. At the end, he said: "My father also believes that it is necessary for me to find a job in the United States. I’m seriously thinking about this job, I’ll settle down and accumulate experience in the field of financial investment.” She closed the mailbox, and understood how slim and absurd that hope was. When the distance becomes the accumulation of time and space, it will only become bigger and bigger.You are still dating other boys, no matter how careless you are, how can you ask him to remember the promise you rejected. The next day, Xin Chen went to Zongshan with dark circles under her eyes, and walked for more than eight hours. In the end, she was the only girl and three boys who persisted.She didn't stop to rest until she reached her destination. Every muscle in her exhausted body was sore and she collapsed on the ground.A boy who was traveling with me was panting and surprised, "I can't see that you have this potential, and I almost couldn't keep up with you." She joined the Zongshan Club of the school, the inter-school outdoor league, and finally joined the largest outdoor BBS in the local area. She often met with different classmates or netizens in Zongshan, but this was the first time for such a high-intensity rush today. When she stopped, she only felt that her legs were numb and unable to make the slightest movement. She stretched out her hands and pinched them, trying to regain mobility, but she was really tired and her hands were weak. The boy looked up and couldn't help shaking his head with a smile. He is also a fan of outdoor sports, so he naturally knew what was going on. He squatted down generously in front of her, and massaged her tense calf muscles with his strong fingers. After the needle-like pain hit, her muscles gradually relaxed.She looked at the short and black hair of the boy in front of her, and said softly, "Thank you, Li Yang." He raised his head, with a pair of clear eyes smiling, "It's so rare that you actually remember my name." Suddenly seeing such a bright, clean and gentle smile, Xin Chen lost his mind for a moment. Li Yang is from the northwest. He has the appearance of Guanzhong people, tall and straight, with a straight face and slightly narrow eyes. He studied in another local university. He majored in engineering, but he is interested in philosophy. He has not joined hiking for a long time. The two sat side by side and chatted, Xin Chen didn't talk much, but just listened, thoughtful, with tired sorrow on his face, which touched Li Yang's sensitive heart. At the beginning of the conversation, Li Yang was skeptical. He had heard of Xin Chen's name, but after getting together, he found that this overly quiet girl was not the domineering girl in the legend. Regardless of the boy's strike-up, there is always a slight bored and absent-minded expression on his face, which surprises him greatly. They naturally started dating. Xinchen sprained her ankle in a vertical mountain, Li Yang carried her down the mountain, and rode a bicycle back and forth between the two schools every day, opened water for her, bought food for her, and took her for physical therapy.Xin Kaiming, who came to visit after hearing that his niece was injured, saw him and praised this down-to-earth boy, thinking that Xin Chen had finally learned to recognize people, the only uncertainty was that Li Yang was a foreigner, and he didn't know where he would be employment. Xin Chen laughed straight after hearing this, and said that the uncle was thinking too far.Xin Kaiming said seriously: "You are all in your third year of college, you should learn to plan for the future. If this child intends to stay for you, uncle will definitely help you." At the dining table, Xin Di talked about receiving an email from Lu Fei. He had already received an offer from a large venture capital company and moved to work in New York. His uncle and aunt praised him for his excellence and promising future. With rice in his mouth.No one noticed her silence, she was quiet more and more.Except for Xin Di's occasional sigh, everyone seems to be used to this quiet, grown-up Xin Chen. In the second semester of senior year, the practical problem of finding a job is becoming more and more urgent for everyone.Li Yang is the only son in the family, and his family strongly urged him to return to the provincial capital city in the northwest to work and continue his studies. He held Xin Chen's hand and said, "Come with me, I promise to treat you well for the rest of my life." This is the first time someone has mentioned life to Xin Chen. The word rushes towards her burning hotly, making her shiver like physical enthusiasm. She hesitates, "Let me think about it." Do you really want to start a new life with someone in a strange city?Maybe this is her only chance to get rid of hopeless emotional entanglement, at least leaning in Li Yang's arms, he is gentle and considerate, not aggressive, and she has no sense of disobedience. Before she could tell her uncle, Xin Di announced at the dinner at home that she had received an email from Lu Fei that he was going back to Beijing for work.Xin Chen's heart beat rapidly, and the hope that had shrunk to almost nothing suddenly swelled up again uncontrollably. When Li Yang asked about her decision again, she said, "I want to go to Beijing to work." So they broke up unhappy.Like them, there are many campus couples who go their separate ways because of the upcoming graduation. Many people's relationship lasts longer and is more pure and sincere, but the vows are like the wind. In contrast, no one notices their plain separate. Xin Chen was holding a piece of paper with the address copied from Xin Di's mail. Standing at the apartment building, she looked up and suddenly became timid. She thought that she was well prepared. After finding a job, she could calmly appear in front of the boy who had been away for a long time and tell him: "Hi, I also came to Beijing. Now that I have grown up, It’s no longer that unreasonable and willful child; I’ve found a job, and it’s no longer a responsibility that needs others to bear helplessly, can we be together again?” I haven't seen you for almost four years, will he still wait for you?This thought suddenly came to her mind, cold sweat broke out in her palms, and the note was wet and wrinkled in her hands. Standing in the wind and sand, she was at a loss. She didn't know how long she stood there. A black Audi Q7 was parked not far from her. Through the sunglasses and dust everywhere, she still recognized the person who got off the car. It's Lufei.On this weekend morning, he was still wearing a tie meticulously and wearing a well-fitted and ironed dark gray suit, which made his figure as slender as a tree facing the wind.This was the first time she saw Lu Fei in a suit. He had a thoughtful expression on his face, and the corners of his mouth were tightly pursed. He looked chic and capable, with a professional atmosphere, but he was also very strange, unlike the memory in her mind. Totally out of tune. Lu Fei didn't wear a scarf, so he quickly locked the car door and strode towards the apartment. Xin Chen stared at him in a daze, unable to call him. Realizing her cowardice, she was a little annoyed, hesitated again and again, she walked to the apartment building, rang the intercom in his room, her heart was pounding, as if she was about to rush out of her body. The voice of a gentle woman answered the intercom: "Hi, who are you looking for?" She quickly pressed the # key and cut off the call. Standing in the wind and sand again, Xinchen realized that there were other faces in Lufei's life, and the embrace that once held her tightly might belong to someone else. Although her face is covered with a professional sand-proof outdoor hood, which is fine enough to filter the ubiquitous sand and dust in the air, she can feel the rough and tingling dryness in her throat, and her heart feels fast for a while. Slowly and irregularly beating, there was cold sweat on the back, but the hands and feet became cold. You are so wishful thinking, you are so arrogant, thinking that that place in his life will always be vacant for you, and when you vent your childish anger, he will welcome you with open arms again. So is it no longer possible?Maybe I should go and say hello to him, maybe... All thoughts seemed to be blown into disorder by the wind and couldn't be sorted out. I didn't know how long I stood, the wind and sand gradually became smaller. Xin Chen saw Lu Fei reappeared at the door of the apartment, walking towards her, with a slender girl beside her , wearing a beige lace-up windbreaker, with a scarf covering most of her face, the two walked and talked, and walked past her. When the girl passed by her, she stopped and said: "Miss, the wind and sand are too strong, stand outside for too long, be careful that your body can't bear it." Her voice was the same as the one from the walkie-talkie just now, soft and gentle. Xin Chen paused for a while and said, "Thank you, I'm waiting for someone." Her voice struggled slowly out of her lips, so hoarse and hoarse that she was unfamiliar to herself. "You can call him." She did copy Lu Fei's cell phone number, but she didn't talk because they were so close, so there was no need to make a call.She smiled desperately under the veiled turban and said, "No need, I probably won't be able to wait for him, so I'll leave after a while." She was still standing where she was, losing her direction and ability to move. Yan Xuhui called to rescue her. He asked her where she was and if he wanted to come pick her up for lunch, but she mechanically said no. Putting away her mobile phone, she walked in front of his car, the front windshield was already covered with a layer of yellow dust, she stretched out her finger, wrote down her mobile phone number, and said to herself, well, let God decide, If he sees the contact with himself, then it is not too late to meet again; if the wind and sand obliterate the handwriting, or keep the handwriting until he sees it, but he does not intend to contact him again, then it is better not to see each other again. Just as she was about to write her name under the number, a voice sounded behind her: "Miss, what can I do for you?" Her fingers stopped. Of course, she was not his Xiaochen anymore, but a passerby who behaved strangely. She suddenly waved her hand and brushed away what she wrote, "Sorry, it's just scribbling." She knew that everything was over, and she was not qualified to be an uninvited guest and take on responsibilities that others were not willing to take on with her willfulness when she was young.Those eyes that used to look at her so fondly in the past, now they only glanced over her body, without staying for a second, and there was no trace of recognition, so so be it. Leave the windy and dusty Beijing and board the train.Xin Chen lay on the hard middle bunk, staring at the upper bunk with his eyes wide open in the dark.The train was clunking, some of the passengers nearby were snoring, some were grinding their teeth, some were talking meaningless dreams, and she accepted the doomed sleepless long night. At dawn, she couldn't lie down anymore, quietly got out of the bunk, tied up her messy hair, sat on the seat by the window and looked outside. It is getting closer and closer to the destination, and the scenery that is speeding back is full of the colors of spring in the south of the Yangtze River. The rapeseed flowers are golden and brilliant, and the sporadic peaches and plums are blooming freely beside the railroad tracks. Sprouts sprouting, covered with smoky greenery, are completely different from the bare trees and the bleak winter she saw in Beijing for days. With her chin in her hand, she stared out of the window intently. For the first time, she began to seriously think about how she should live in the future.She went to a third-rate university, and her homework was usually to deal with errands. Fortunately, she worked as a part-time graphic model. Before she got tired of posing for pictures, she started to get in touch with graphic design and image processing.Just comparing with Xin Di, she looks too mediocre. Xin Di has always had excellent grades. She won a national award in her junior year and became a famous figure in the school. When she graduated, several clothing companies competed to hire her. She has a clear goal, works hard, and has achieved outstanding results. She has been promoted and raised all the way, and has emerged in the industry. Li Xin, who had doubts about her choice of major, is now proud of her. Naturally, she despises Xin Chen's unremarkable diploma and bad record of constantly making boyfriends in college. When she returned to her hometown like this, she couldn't help smiling wryly, it wasn't because of the expected aunt's disdain, but she did have a bit of dislike for herself.She said to herself, most of your youth has been wasted in hesitation, resentment and waiting, you should wake up, and from now on, fully adapt to life without him.Maybe according to the uncle's arrangement, doing a solid job and not having those ridiculous delusions is the right way. However, the monotony of the down-to-earth work is also real. Xin Chen mechanically typed the file in front of the computer, while doubting his choice, he said to himself that he should not give up easily, otherwise, he would not be able to explain to his uncle, and he would not be able to give up. I can't even explain myself. This determination was fragile, and when she heard that Lu Fei was coming back, she still chose to give up.She didn't adjust her mentality well, and she couldn't meet Lu Fei again in such a boring life. She knew that she would lose her composure, expose her weakness, and accept his pity. She chose to go to the Qinling Mountains, carrying 25 kg of equipment on her back, and it was the first time she did such a long-distance heavy hiking. Xin Chen started hiking when he was a freshman. At first, he just wanted to get rid of his inner troubles and get a restful sleep through the exhaustion of exercise. Later, he gradually began to appreciate the beautiful scenery on the way.It was not until the day when she and her companions stood on the top of a certain mountain in the Taibai Mountains that she felt the huge impact of being in the indescribable beauty for the first time. Standing against the wind, overlooking the sea of ​​clouds, and the mountain wind whistling past her ears, she realized that in the face of such a vast and magnificent nature, all worries and worries seemed small and insignificant.If she sticks to that old office, facing the dull superiors and colleagues, and processing her tired documents, she will only indulge in the flying memories of the past and feel more self-pity. Sitting at the campsite at night, looking up at the sky, the stars seemed so close that she could touch them. She unexpectedly remembered the famous Kant quote that Li Yang, who loves philosophy, once said to her during a camping in the wild: There are only two things that can make my heart Deeply shocked, one is the bright starry sky above our heads, and the other is the lofty moral law in our hearts. She is not interested in exploring metaphysical things, and when Li Yang talked about these things, she was absent-minded as usual.And now sitting under the deep sapphire blue sky shrouded like a dome, bathed in the unimaginable brilliance of the city, she felt that she at least partly understood Li Yang's high spirits when he repeated this famous quote. Lin Yueqing sat beside her and asked her what she was thinking, she smiled, "Think about my life." This answer made Lin Yueqing clap his hands and laughed, and then said seriously: "You have been silent all the way, I thought, the proposition you are thinking must be solemn and profound, and it is so." In the hospital in Xi'an, when Xin Chen opened her eyes, it was already midnight, and the lights in the ward were dim. She realized that after a brush with death, the boy who refused to give up on her and escaped alone was lying quietly on the hospital bed next to her. , breathing evenly and steadily. Lin Yueqing was fine, and she was still alive. The past and old dreams were gone, and she smiled at the pale ceiling. She clearly knew that from now on, she could face any kind of memories, situations, and people calmly, and she no longer had to run away in such a hasty manner.Without the love she has always dreamed of, it doesn't really matter.If she can continue to live, then she must try her best to choose a good way of living, so as to live up to the beautiful scenery and affection she once felt. Xin Chen came back from Xi’an and started to look for a job by herself. First, she took on jobs in her spare time to earn some extra money. After gaining a stable source of design customers, she quit her job and started SOHO, burying herself in making money. Uncle and aunt were surprised. Xin Kaiming made the decision and introduced Feng Yian to her. It was her first blind date, and when she rushed to the appointed place, she was relieved to see a well-dressed, clean and refreshing man sitting there, but Feng Yian was truly amazed. He has always had a high opinion of himself and a very high demand, and he is unwilling to meet girls in this way, but he can't help but be forced by his parents to come here five minutes early, sitting bored, without any expectations at all, and is going to eat politely Leave after a meal.However, Xin Chen, who walked up to him on time, was tall and tall, wearing traceless light makeup. His face was young and beautiful. His eyes were quiet and clear, his clothes simple and his demeanor fell in his always critical eyes. Can't fault it. Talking about their respective jobs and hobbies, Feng Yian likes photography in his spare time, and Xin Chen has great experience in image processing, and the conversation is funny, and the communication is quite topical. Feng Yi'an suddenly felt a sense of knowing, and felt that he had won the lottery.He quickly entered the state of pursuit, and Xin Chen had no intention of refusing, as the two adults wished, they started dating. This girl has almost no faults - except for a little coldness.After meeting several times, Feng Yi'an came to this conclusion. Xin Chen is not a cold beauty. When he tells a joke, she responds quickly and laughs at the right time. She definitely understands the point of the joke, rather than being perfunctory. When friends are having fun, she will not sit alone in a lonely state. Drink when it's time to drink, sing when it's time to sing, it can be called gregarious; Feng Yi'an is also considered to be a long-time lover, he has a lot of tricks when dating, and he is very flirtatious. Although Xin Chen's reactions are not enthusiastic, they are not cold and disappointing. No matter how romantic the program falls in her eyes, she can only appreciate it without surprises. Her entire performance can be summed up in moderation, and Feng Yi'an can see that moderation is not out of intentional control, she almost naturally keeps a subtle and imperceptible distance from all people and things.As her boyfriend, he didn't dare to say that he was within that distance. Seeing that the relationship could be deepened, Feng Yi'an suddenly hesitated, but Xin Chen seemed completely unaware of his hesitation.If he didn't call her, she would definitely not take the initiative to call; he suddenly appeared after a week or two of disappearance, and she didn't ask why, but there was a clear understanding in his expression. After a few rounds, Feng Yi'an understood that he could not break through the small invisible space she had set for himself.He felt that a girl with such behavior must have a not-so-simple past love history.Thinking that such calm and calmness was tempered by other men, he felt inexplicable in his heart. He was a little reluctant to retreat at this point; he was a little inexplicably afraid to continue. Before he could figure it out, Xin Chen went to Xinjiang with his donkey friend. When she received a call from him asking why there was no notification, she said plainly: "Reporting is mutual, I think you can understand." He chewed on this sentence: Is it revenge for deliberately erratic whereabouts?Is it a statement of fact, or a hint? Xin Chen took an unusual tourist route, and still carried a bit of masochistic backpack tour. Half a month later, when she came back from Xinjiang, she didn't take the initiative to call him to inform him.Feng Yi'an couldn't sit still anymore, he thought that instead of competing with himself like this, it would be better to succumb to other people's immobility like a mountain, and he comforted himself that only by entering the mountain can one find the treasure. Xin Chen, who opened the door for him, looked thin and tired, and his voice was weak. After talking to him a few words, he leaned back on the imperial concubine's couch, rubbed his temples and said, "When I came back from Xinjiang, I'll catch up with a design and keep doing it just now." It’s just finished and I can’t take it anymore.” "Go to sleep." "I'm cooking porridge, and it will take about half an hour to get better, so I dare not sleep." "I'll help you watch, you go to bed and sleep well." Xin Chen hesitated for a moment, but he was really no match for tiredness, "Okay, thank you." She entered the bedroom, he walked into the open kitchen, and saw that the gas stove had been turned on to the minimum, and the shredded chicken porridge stewed in the casserole gave off an aroma with a slight tumbling sound.He took a chair and sat by the balcony door to read. Xin Chen's reading is not extensive, and there are no novels on the bookshelf, except for a few unpopular philosophy books, which are all travel magazines, hiking guides, and photo retouching.He casually picked up this travel note and looked at it, only to feel peace in his heart, and the troubles of the past few days suddenly disappeared. Xin Chen came out after two hours of sleep, and said with a smile that he woke up from hunger. She filled two bowls of porridge and invited him to eat together.The porridge she cooks is quite rich in content, adding shredded chicken, shiitake mushrooms, and scallops, which is delicious.他吃得很香，只是她精神并未恢复，胃口不好，低头小口吃着。坐在窄窄料理台对面的高脚凳上，他能清楚地看到她头发绾起，露出一段后颈。她出去一趟，面孔晒黑了点，而那个部位仍然雪白，有着细腻温润的肌肤质感，看上去纤细易折，脆弱得让他心中一动。 辛辰抬头，看到他眼中的关切，有点诧异，正要说话，他先开了口。 “辰，我最近休假，我们去海边住几天吧，你也好好休整一下。” 辛辰去过的地方不算少了，可她从来不让自己往海边走。从小生长于内陆滨江城市，她还没看过海。她神情恍惚了一下，突然点点头，“好吧。” 冯以安发现他的判断错得离谱。 两人在海边酒店附设的草坪自助烧烤吃晚餐，喝酒，看来自墨西哥的乐队表演，主唱的男歌手长着典型的拉丁人面孔，英俊得让人窒息，翻唱起老情歌来深情款款，唱到尽兴处，走进人群中，对着一个个女士放电，有人满面绯红，有人避开视线。到辛辰面前时，她却只是微笑，坦然与歌手对视，任由他执起她的手，对着她唱到一曲终了再亲吻一下她的手才放开，她含笑鼓掌，毫无不安。 这个景象让冯以安心绪起伏，既兴奋又含了一丝妒意。回到海景房，他洗澡出来，看见她对着窗外暗沉的大海出神，他抱住她，将她抵在那面窗子上吻她，同时将手探入她衣内，她全无抵抗。 然而，他以为经验丰富曾经沧海的那个女孩子，在他进入时，痛楚的呻吟声从她咬得紧紧的嘴唇中逸出，淹没在窗外传来的海浪拍击声中，她的手指紧紧地扣在床单上，身体僵直面孔扭曲，那样生涩，那样紧张。 her first time. 意识到这一点，他竟然有狂喜，吻她咬出细密齿痕、渗出血丝的嘴唇，轻声对她说：“我爱你。” 辛辰只将头略略一偏，手指松开床单，移到了他的背上。 站在这个空荡得几乎有回声的房子里，辛辰苦笑了，“对不起，以安，我不知道男人的处女情结是怎么回事，我只能坦白地告诉你，你那时是个很体贴的男朋友，但第一次对我来说，只是人生的必经阶段，我不后悔跟你在一起，可那不是让我留恋容忍一段已经破裂的关系的理由。” “我没猜错的话，你曾经有过一次难忘的恋爱，心里一直有一个人，对吗？” “我们一定要一点点清算旧账吗？谁没点前尘旧事。”辛辰有些不耐烦了，“到我这个年龄，生理上的处女比较容易碰到，心理上的处女大概就很稀罕了，这样计较没什么意思。” 冯以安扬起眉毛，“这段时间，我的确是在说服自己，如果就是忘不了你，我又何必跟自己较劲。我看你只是不肯全心付出，倒并不拒绝快乐，不拒绝别人的关心，没固执到一定要给一段过去殉葬。那么好吧，我也退一步，我们重新开始好了，试着好好相处。” 辛辰有点惊异，她确实没想到，在经过父母强烈反对、对她的感情质疑后，冯以安还会提出这个建议，她沉默了好久没说话，这个静默让冯以安心底凉透，他强自冷笑道：“你肯犹豫这么点时间再拒绝，已经很给我面子了。” “以安，你对感情的要求比我高，像我这么不够坚定明确的感情，经不起你来反复考量、权衡，我若答应你，恐怕以后还是会让你失望的。”她轻声说，“而且坦白讲，我也不愿意去面对你父母的反对，那样太累，太耗心力跟自尊，对我不合适。” 冯以安沉默一会儿，“那告诉我，你以后打算怎么生活？” “你也看到，这边要拆迁了，我忙完手头的事，会去我父亲那边住一阵，短时间内大概不会回来。我计划去几个早就想去的地方，然后找个合适的城市定居下来，找份过得去的工作，种点花，交一个相处起来轻松愉快的男朋友，周围有见面就点头打招呼的邻居，闲时和朋友出去纵山徒步，这样就很好了。” “记得上次我指给你看的房子吗？本来我以为，我能为你提供那样的生活。” 冯以安曾在开车载着辛辰经过市中心某个路段时，指着一个公寓给她看，说他父母已经为他在那边买了房子并装修好，只待他定下心来结婚，他突然转向辛辰，半真半假地笑，“你喜欢这个地段吗？” “不错啊，生活交通都很方便。” “这边物业不错，保安措施也好。装修时我特意让他们不要封了朝南的阳台，面积不算小，可以种点花，天气好时，放把椅子看书，或者把笔记本搬出来工作都不错。” 辛辰笑，“嗯，我也不喜欢把阳台封得死死的，每次看自家的防盗网都觉得碍眼。” 那是从海边回来以后，他们相处最融洽的一段时间，冯以安对她体贴得无微不至，他们头次含糊地谈到结婚这个话题，他试探地说，她随便地答，都状似无心，可又都带着几分认真。 想起旧事，辛辰也只能惆怅了，“希望你的下个女友比我来得合理，以安，你应该拥有一份父母祝福又让你不存犹豫的感情。” 冯以安冷笑一声，“果然你的感情收放得非常自如，不过祝福得这么大方，你不觉得对我更是一种伤害吗？我们大概再见面连朋友也做不成了，那就不用多余说再见，你自己保重，我先走了。”