Chapter 9 Books from Two Places-1

In the final exam after Li Ran left, Zhou Meng suffered a disastrous failure. She actually failed two subjects.If you want to know the homework of the Chinese Department, it is difficult to fail the exam.It's okay to say a Marxist principle, but failing a political class doesn't mean anything wrong.But Zhou Meng failed in foreign literature, which is too embarrassing. In her class, she always advertises that she only reads foreign classics and does not read Chinese classics.Li Ran called from Lhasa, and Zhou Meng whispered the bad news in annoyance on the newly installed extension in his room.Li Ran persuaded her: "It's just a matter of failing the make-up exam. When I was in college, I failed high math once."

Li Ran knew what she meant, but deliberately teased her: "How can you blame me? I was more than 4,000 miles away from you when you took the exam." She didn't go on. "Mengmeng, I miss you too." Li Ran said softly. Thinking and thinking are very different, she doesn't think about eating or drinking here.However, since he called every day recently and performed well, Zhou Meng didn't bother with him anymore. At the airport that day, she asked: Why leave tomorrow?He asked back: What do you think?Seeing that she didn't speak, he sighed: How could I walk away today when you were like that last night, when you still hate me? She pleaded: I didn't hate you. "Mengmeng, come here." She passed by, he put his arms around her, and kissed her irresistibly: fool, before I kissed you, before I told you I love you, how could I go open ah.She forgave him.

Li Ran hadn't eaten for two days when he first arrived in Lhasa, not because of lovesickness, but because he was too excited. He hadn't been so impulsive for a long time. During the first seven days in Tibet, Li Ran took more than forty films until his hands softened.The eyes of people here are different from those in the mainland, not to mention the unique religious atmosphere in Tibet and the clean dark blue sky in the plateau area. Li Ran is fascinated by Lhasa, hidden conflicts, slow rhythm, numb pain, and momentary joy, especially when looking at this city through the lens, it is full of desire to tell because of the unbearable disturbance of worldly desires.Li Ran is not a poet, but in a fixed frame, the sentence that slipped through his mind was as inexplicable as a poem: "The bird's wings of the soul fly low in this city." This sentence was later decided by Du Xiaobin, using Li Ran's first photography book on the title page of the collection.Those sociologists are right: a nation without faith has no soul, because it does not know awe.Let's put it this way, any corner of Tibet will be awe-inspiring.

Many men are not used to talking about the spiritual world with their beloved women, and when they are together with Mengmeng, Li Ran can only talk endlessly about love.He knew that she didn't care either, whether it was Tibet or his photography, she just cared about the skin on his face not to be reddened by the ultraviolet rays of the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau, and she declared that she would not want a fiance with a red face.Li Ran has a lot of outdoor activities, and he can't wear sunglasses when taking pictures, so he has to wear a wide-brimmed top hat that Tibetans often wear.Loving someone is actually superficial, deep and great love is only after suffering setbacks.

Half a month before the Spring Festival, Zhou Congjie and Zhou Li rushed to Jiangcheng from Beijing. The whole family is finally reunited, especially Ms. Fang Deming is very pleased that her son can come, even though the son will only stay here for a week before returning to Beijing to accompany his wife to celebrate the New Year. When it comes to the relationship between Ms. Fang Deming and her daughter-in-law, there is a saying that if the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can be improved, then the KMT and the Communist Party would have already shake hands and make peace.There are two more people, and the Chinese New Year is coming again, and the family suddenly becomes lively, and the four of them sit down at night to have a table of mahjong.Zhou Meng wore a ring at home, and when he shuffled his hands, the brilliance of the diamond ring was dazzling.

Her brother joked: "Zhou Meng, when you get married, if you want bigger and brighter ones with Li Ran, then we will have to wear sunglasses when we play mahjong." Zhou Meng was about to take off his ring when he heard that. Mother said to Zhou Li: "Okay, don't provoke her, this ring is taken off and on all day long, and she will lose it sooner or later." His father immediately became worried: "Zhou Meng, let your mother take it off." Put it away for you, it’s very valuable and commemorative, it’s bad if you lose it.” Zhou Meng was quite impatient: "If you lose it, just lose it."

The mother snorted: "You have a hard mouth, I'm going to cry again if I lose it." At this time, the phone rang, and Zhou Li answered it first, and said to his sister, "Your." Zhou Meng hurried to his room, and closed the door with a bang when he entered. Zhou Li didn't put down the phone here, and listened with a smile. Mother also smiled: "Don't let it go, your sister is most afraid of people listening to her phone, she must be sneaky every time." Zhou Li put down the phone and asked seriously: "Mom, is Li Ran reliable?" The mother murmured, "Of course he is not as reliable as the nerds in the institute, but he is devoted to your sister. Didn't he buy a ring for her before he left? He also proposed the engagement first."

Zhou Congjie followed his wife's tone and said: "I think Li Ran is a good match for your sister. Li Ran is good-looking and a good-looking talent." Zhou Li himself is also good-looking, and he smiled lightly: "That's what I'm talking about!" Only women understand women, and only men understand men. Ms. Fang Deming and Lao Zhou looked at each other without speaking. A week later, Zhou Li returned to Beijing. The New Year's goods were almost done, and the family became quiet. Ms. Fang Deming realized that something was wrong with her daughter. She ate too little and only liquid food.She doesn't look too much in winter clothes, and her round baby face doesn't look thin, but when she pinches her little arm, it's really a handful of bones.Talking to her, she can't explain why, anyway, she just can't swallow dry things, and she feels disgusted when she sees meat.When did it start?No need to ask, Li Ran left and started.

Ms. Fang Deming was so angry that her daughter didn't know who she looked like in such a worthless way, but she didn't look like her anyway.One day when Li Ran really broke up with her, would she still seek death?That is to say, now, when I was in college in the 1960s, the teacher immediately organized a class meeting to criticize you, "petty bourgeois sentiment, love first", they must criticize you. You can't force your daughter to stuff her mouth if she doesn't eat, but she is worried that she is not getting enough nutrition. In desperation, Ms. Fang Deming took her daughter to the infirmary to hang glucose.Doctors are one hundred and twenty not happy, saying that you are not sick or dehydrated, and you are not dehydrated, so you want to eat for two days without wanting to eat.Ms. Fang Deming can't say that her daughter is caused by lovesickness.Anyway, after begging for a long time, the doctor decided to hang a bottle of glucose, and when he got home, Zhou Meng said he was tired, and fell asleep on the bed.

Lao Zhou advised his wife not to worry, after two days, her daughter will figure it out by herself.two days?Li Ran has been gone for more than half a month, and the silly girl hasn't figured it out yet. "To untie the bell, one must tie it." Ms. Fang Deming hung up three calls to Li Ran at the Tibet Daily in Lhasa, and finally found him.Li Ran was surprised when he heard that.Ms. Fang thought, that's right, as long as normal people hear it, they will be surprised. Li Ran asked anxiously, "Auntie, do you need me to come back?" The aunt replied calmly: "No need, Zhou Meng didn't want me to tell you. She is sleeping now. You should call after eight o'clock in the evening and have a good talk with her."

That night, when Li Ran called, Zhou Meng was lying on the bed reading a novel.There was a large bunch of yellow carnations beside her bed, which Li Ran bought for her before he left, thanked her, but she was reluctant to throw them away.On the desk, there is a small glass frame, embedded with a photo of Li Ran in college. The background is flowers and trees in spring. His expression is slightly melancholy. A bookish air.Strange to say, she likes Li Ran's slightly melancholy look the most, just like the first time she saw him.She also likes the way he smiles, but she doesn't like when he smiles. When he smiles, his eyebrows are sharp and his eyes are bright, like the spring on some women's faces. On the phone, when Li Ran mentioned that she didn't eat, Zhou Meng denied it. "I don't, I don't want to eat, I just don't want to eat dry rice." "How can it be nutritious to drink porridge all the time? Your mother also told me that you only drink two small bowls of porridge a day, and you refuse to eat eggs and milk. Your body will collapse like this." "I feel pretty good, refreshed and ecstatic." Li Ran laughed angrily at her, but the problem still needs to be solved. "Mengmeng, this is not a joke, it's a sign of anorexia. Didn't you say that the singing Carpenter died of anorexia?" "I won't, don't worry." "Don't worry? How can you make me feel at ease?" Li Ran couldn't help but raised her voice, paused, and her voice became calm, "I'd better come back." "Don't come back." She said hurriedly, and also paused, " When you come back, you still have to go." "miss me?" For a long time, there was no reply for a long time. He knew she was crying again, and he could see her tilting her head and hastily wiping her tears with her sleeves, which of course made him feel bad. "misty?" "It's okay, I'll be fine, and I'll get used to it slowly." On the contrary, she comforted him like this.She is willful, and she is also patient. Sometimes, Li Ran can't tell whether he loves her willful or her patience more. "Mengmeng, I will write to you tonight." "I'll write to you too." "Eat well, please." "I will." "I love you." "I know." The next morning, Zhou Meng ate a small bowl of chicken noodle soup with his eyes swollen.The mother looked at her and thought: I can't accept it, ten sentences from my parents can't match Li Ran's one sentence. During the few days of Chinese New Year, except for not eating meat, Zhou Meng basically resumed his normal diet. In the early 1990s, people were still warm, and the streets were full of New Year greetings.There are quite a few colleagues who come to Zhou Meng's house to pay New Year's greetings, and her parents also choose to go back to pay a few visits. Even during Chinese New Year, Zhou Meng did not have the habit of visiting his classmates. This is Ms. Fang Deming's tutor.Girls who go from home to home can only learn to play tricks, and she also doesn't welcome her daughter to bring classmates to the house.For this reason, when Zhou Meng was young, Zhou Meng was very envious of the mother of the neighbor who was a worker. Her mother liked to entertain children, and her mother would braid her daughter’s hair and tie a bow tie, while he had short hair of noodles in clear soup since he was a child. died.At a very young age, Zhou Meng knew that his mother was an intellectual, and intellectuals were impersonal. She and her elder brother didn't even have nicknames. Her mother always treated them like adults, and she always called them serious "Zhou Li", "Zhou Meng". However, when Zhou Meng had his own son, his parents-in-law and his family all called him "Dongdong", and only Zhou Meng was used to calling his son "Pan Deng".When she talks to her son, she treats her as an adult, speaking slowly and thoughtfully, sometimes Zhou Meng will think of her mother when she talks to her son like this.The mother is gone, and she doesn't know how much her daughter looks like her when she grows up, and she doesn't know how much her daughter misses her. School starts again. Zhou Meng secretly went to the department office to take the make-up exam by himself, like a thief. There were several people who took the make-up exam, but she was the only girl.It's so fast, I can see that half of my junior year has passed.Because Li Ran left this semester, her mother agreed to her moving back to the dormitory, but Zhou Meng spent even less time in the dormitory.When she was a freshman and sophomore, Zhou Meng was very repulsed to go home for the night. At that time, she yearned for an independent life, and felt that everything on the university campus was new, and she didn't know when she would meet someone. It's different now. After all, the home is comfortable, and she has already met someone. Although Zhou Meng knew in his heart, she understood that Li Ran was not her good match, but she couldn't let him go, just like Yun couldn't let go of the wind, and Lu couldn't let go of his footsteps.It can't be said that love makes Zhou Meng frustrated, but it's just like the drizzle in early spring, which is so lingering that it makes her feel melancholy.She has already received the second letter from Li Ran from Tibet, all addressed to "Dear Mengmeng" and signed "Your Ran".It is inevitable for people who have not been trained in writing to be long-winded, but in Zhou Meng's view, there is no word in this letter without origin. Li Ran is now looking forward to her going to Tibet in the summer vacation. He wrote in the letter: "Mengmeng, you will definitely like Tibet. We can go to the pasture to ride horses. There are all kinds of beautiful silver jewelry for sale in Lhasa, as well as Indian silk. I promise You will love it after watching it. The only thing I worry about is your body. How is your body now? Are you eating normally? Does your head still hurt? Mengmeng, you must understand that if your health is not good, we will lose a lot in the future Interesting (he added a horizontal line under fun). Mengmeng, even if it is for me, for our future, you should take your body as the top priority. There are still many places to go. Promise me, you will With me, you will be by my side." In order to cultivate her feelings for Tibet, Li Ran included a lot of photos he took in Tibet in the letter.Compared with Li Ran's previous "masterpieces", Zhou Meng prefers these now.Especially one of the Tibetan women carrying the water, the water is heavy, her head stretched forward slightly, the morning wind blows away a few locks of greasy hair, the dirty leather robe seems to be independent of the body, the sun is still there On the horizon, a ray of light caught the woman's gaze, with a dull expression and no complaints. Relatively speaking, Zhou Meng's love letter to Li Ran is more like a prose poem.Li Ran didn't quite get used to it at first. Is this how the girls learning Chinese express their feelings?Not to mention being polite, it's too reserved. Her letter is so reserved that she doesn't even have a signature on it.Occasionally, she would put two small words "your" at the end of the letter, as if she didn't want him to see it, but Li Ran didn't understand, they were already a fiancé couple, why would Mengmeng be embarrassed?She's not usually this shy. Is it embarrassing?Zhou Meng himself can't explain clearly, but she really can't write something like "Your Mengmeng".She also liked Li Ran's writing, but she felt a little disapproving in her heart, as no one could be someone else's.She would say the same thing when she was passionate, but when it came to words, that was another matter. After Li Ran got married, around 1995, he accidentally got news of her from a stranger.When he got home, he dug out the old letter she had given him from the box. This time, what he felt was no longer her reservedness, but her deep affection for him. ... I think you are right to go to Tibet, and I am glad I never stopped you.Li Ran, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't go back to Jiangcheng again, would you? "A horse in autumn winds in the north of Hebei, apricot blossoms in spring and rains in the south of the Yangtze River", you speak through the lens, where will you go two years from now?But, my dear, you know, no matter what, I will wait for you to come back. Walking under the sycamore tree on campus, passers-by come and pass by, the world without you is not lonely.If you can take a walk on the road without people, without thoughts or thoughts, sink into a kind of tranquility, and let the time flow slowly from your shoulders, you will not be lonely. A street lamp turned on the night's black clothes, and a leaf was green, and that corner was like a fragile dream, which could not withstand a touch or a thought, like love.Walking on a deserted road, I saw loneliness in a blink of an eye. Spring will disappear in the depths, and I gradually get used to the days without you. Today, accompanying Dai Yan on an errand, I passed the train station, and the train from Shanghai to Jiangcheng had just arrived.I know that you won't be on this train, but looking at the crowd at the exit, I couldn't move for a long time... Reading her letter, he burst into tears. Falling in love with her is when we first met; understanding her is after many years. Du Xiaobin flew from Beijing to Lhasa in March of the same year. In Beijing, at the Lu Xun Academy of Literature, she broke Wang Bo's passionate poet's heart.Xiaozong quickly informed Li Ran of Du Xiaobin's latest move. Du Xiaobin is now working as a teacher in a pastoral primary school near Lhasa. Xiao Zong said very considerately: "Aren't I afraid that she will trouble you again? If I can arrange it, I will try my best to arrange it for her." Li Ran was not angry: "When she is at ease, why not come to trouble me? " "Hey, let me tell you, don't feel too good about yourself. Du Xiaobin said that it's for creation. I heard that her boyfriend Wang Bo is still campaigning for her to be admitted to the Lu Xun Academy of Literature next year. The Normal University is very passive, neither is it easy to mention her previous record - she refuses to admit it, it is written in the file that she has made mistakes in life - and she can't explain why such a creative student has to drop out of school automatically, can it be Or is the Normal University suppressing her creative talent? You don’t know, some people are comparing Du Xiaobin’s novels with Xiao Hong’s. Does Xiao Hong know? She is a female writer who is especially appreciated by Mr. Lu Xun. Children, compete with our Du Xiaobin." "Okay, okay, this is a long distance." "It's okay, our foreign trade unit makes international long-distance calls at will." Xiao Zong has already joined the foreign trade company, "Next month, I will travel around Southeast Asia. In September, I will go to the former Soviet Union." After speaking, Xiao Zong complained happily: Hey, it’s not worth mentioning, they are all economically underdeveloped countries. " Li Ran had made up his mind not to talk to Du Xiaobin when he saw Du Xiaobin again.If someone really wants to look for her, it's impossible not to say a word, just try to be as indifferent as possible.Hinting that she herself is already engaged, she made some assumptions and prepared some responses.But Du Xiaobin never came to trouble him.This made Li Ran couldn't help thinking about it. When July came, Zhou Meng developed a high fever when he was not halfway through the exam. Because of his weak constitution, the low-grade fever persisted after the high fever. Ms. Fang Deming accompanied her daughter to the hospital for a whole week before the fever completely subsided.Ms. Fang has never been the kind of traditional mother who loves her children indiscriminately. She stood next to the hospital bed and severely criticized her daughter's wrong view of love: "Girls, the first thing to do is to be self-reliant, self-respecting and self-love, and you can't talk about it like this when you are in love. You feel dizzy, you don’t have good health and no career, who can accommodate you for the rest of your life? You see, your mother has relied on your father for so many years? You and your brother were brought up by me alone. Going abroad like your father commented on the professor? You are not strong yourself, so you always think about relying on others." "I didn't." Zhou Meng protested weakly. "Not yet? If you don't call Li Ran for a few days, you will feel like you have lost your soul. It's not that your mother wants to criticize you, Zhou Meng, especially you can't rely on Li Ran so much emotionally, even if you get married in the future, you yourself Have a backbone." What he said made Zhou Meng embarrassed.It's not that she herself has no consciousness, especially this time she is ill, she has figured it out.Pass is not all pass, tired is true. She loved him to the point of exhaustion, as if spring had disappeared in the depths. Li Ran came back from a business trip in southern Tibet and knew that Mengmeng had suffered a serious illness. He was very distressed, and he dared not mention the matter of letting her come to Tibet during the summer vacation.After returning to Lhasa from the south of Tibet, Li Ran was also languid for a while. He was not sick, but it could be said to be a kind of illness. In the past six months, he was injured by shooting hard, which made him feel indifferent to the camera now. .They posted a lot, basically sweeping domestic professional photography magazines, and one group of "Pilgrims" was even selected by the US "National Geographic", which gave Li Ran a kind of professional satisfaction. Li Ran is not really ambitious, he knows he can't compare with Xiaozong Li Yue, he can't even compare with Liu Yi.When he just graduated, Li Ran didn't understand, even a year ago, how important a person's starting point in society is and how important his background is.He will never go back to Jiangcheng, nor will he stay in Tibet. When many of his classmates have already started to settle down, Li Ran sees that his future is still unknown.Apart from the fame he gradually built up in the circle and a set of expensive lenses, he has nothing like he just graduated from university three years ago. And reputation is not very reliable. In their circle, if there is no new thing in a few months, it will be forgotten.He can't tell Mengmeng these things, she doesn't understand, and she will never understand in her whole life. Li Ran lives alone in the dormitory of the Tibet Daily. Half of his colleagues are Han Chinese, and half are from the mainland who aid Tibet.Li Ran didn't come here for a long time, and he spent most of his time outside. Among his colleagues, he only had a close friendship with Xiao Liang.Xiaoliang is from Beijing, and he is a very enthusiastic person, but he is a little busy.He had just graduated from the History Department of the National People's University and knew nothing, so he was sent to the studio.The single dormitory of the Tibet Daily was still a bungalow at that time. Like most houses in Tibet, no matter how sunny it was outside, it was always nightfall inside.Speaking of the nightlife in Lhasa, it was quite dull in the early 1990s. The streets were already dark and the lights were dark, and the entertainment venues were still dominated by movie theaters.The electricity in Lhasa is insufficient, and the street lights often flicker on and off.Due to boredom, Li Ran bought an 18-inch color TV and put it in the dormitory to watch. Like most men, he wanted to vent on such a night.This summer vacation, if Mengmeng really came, Li Ran would not hesitate any longer. Besides, as a fiancé, he also has this right, right? Before coming to Tibet, he and Mengmeng were shopping in the shopping mall. She stopped at the women's underwear department and asked him to wait for her outside.Li Ran watched her pick and choose, and consulted with the shopping guide for a long time.Because it was in the women's underwear department, the hangings were all tinkling. Li Ran was embarrassed to look at them, so he went to the electrical department next to him to look at the photographic equipment.After a while, Mengmeng came to him with a small paper bag. "Buy it?" Li Ran saw that there were four white lace bras and underwear in the paper bag. She only wore white. "The first time I bought this thing, my mother bought it for me before, and I just figured out my size now." "What size are you?" She looked at him with a strange expression: "It seems to be a size bigger than before." Li Ran was not a fledgling young man, but at that moment, he was particularly tempted by the subtle changes in her body caused by him.For this, he can forgive her a thousand times, and he can even forgive her for betraying him, as long as she is willing to return to him.He never thought about it, what if he betrayed her? Whether he dare not think or he has reached a tacit understanding with himself, sooner or later he will betray her. Zhou Meng's summer vacation can be described as leisurely, and she finally enjoys the fun of being alone at home.Her mother went to Beijing to visit relatives and take a meeting, and stayed for more than a month.Li Ran sighed when he heard the news at first, and said, "I wish I could stay in Jiangcheng." Then he became excited: "Mengmeng, come to Lhasa, I'll ask Xiaozong to book a plane ticket for you." "But I'm afraid of flying, and I'm afraid of lack of oxygen in Tibet, and my body..." Li Ran interrupted her: "Mengmeng, I know, I'm just talking." She really thought he was just talking. When Zhou Meng had a deeper understanding of the relationship between a man and a woman, what she regretted the most was not letting Li Ran go to Tibet, but that she didn't go to Tibet herself during the summer vacation. If she went, even if it ended in a breakup, she wouldn't regret it that much. Du Xiaobin didn't meet Li Ran for the first time in Lhasa until October of this year. Du Xiaobin has graduated from primary school in the pastoral area, and she is now a contract editor of a publishing house in Tibet.At the same time, Du Xiaobin has published more than a dozen novelettes and short stories in literary journals across the country. Du Xiaobin believes that the important sign of her success is not that critics generally praise her, but that some publications have seriously asked her to write. . Du Xiaobin met Li Ran at the home of a Tibetan painter. It was a place similar to a cultural salon. He drank buttered tea and coffee, chatted, and danced. It was very arty. People from the Lhasa literary and art circles came, and there were many beautiful girls. Li Ran came in with a girl who was "three long" with long neck, long legs and long arms. From this, Du Xiaobin guessed that she was a Tibetan dancer.She looks more beautiful than ordinary Tibetan girls, and her skin is also fair. In fact, the skin of upper-class Tibetan girls is thin and fair.Li Ran was a little tanned and looked a little stronger, maybe it was because of eating beef and mutton.The girl held his arm, the degree of intimacy was hard to say, it was between a friend and a lover.The room is bigger, there are more people, and the light is not very good. Li Ran is not the kind of person who looks around. Du Xiaobin thought, maybe he didn't see her.However, if he saw her and pretended not to see her, it would be interesting. Li Ran saw it. He didn't know why, so he felt guilty all of a sudden, he brought a girl here, but even if he was jealous, it wasn't Du Xiaobin's turn.The only explanation was that it was obviously Du Xiaobin, but what Li Ranman was thinking about was Mengmeng. The girl sitting in the corner should be his Mengmeng, that's how Mengmeng looked at him. You only look at someone like that if you love someone deeply. When Li Ran glanced at that corner from the corner of his eye, Du Xiaobin had disappeared without a trace. That night, Li Ran called Zhou Meng when he returned to the newspaper office.Hearing her sleepy voice, Li Ran checked his watch, it was past twelve o'clock. "Mengmeng, it's me." "Li Ran? Why are you calling so late? It would be troublesome to wake up my mother. She has been in poor health for the past two days and is having a temper tantrum." He remained silent. "What's the matter with you? Is something wrong?" "No." He said softly, "I just want to hear your voice." She was silent for a moment. "Li Ran, do you still love me? Do you love me like before?" "Mengmeng, I will always love you." "Love me? I can't even see you." "I can't see you either. Are you fat? How long is your hair? Take a photo and send it to me. Do you understand?" "I still need to take a photo? It's too troublesome." Mengmeng doesn't seem to worry about him at all, what a fool, back then, even Liu Yi sent him a few photos of his life every few months! An unrealistic person, even the way of falling in love is unrealistic . Two days later, in the evening, Du Xiaobin went to the single dormitory of Tibet Daily to find Li Ran.Li Ran also just came back, basically he entered the dormitory with his front foot, and Du Xiaobin arrived with his back foot. This time, Li Ran noticed the changes in Du Xiaobin's appearance. Her new nose line is very beautiful, and, because of the bulge of the nose, the whole face looks like it has been opened. The current Du Xiaobin is so dark and pretty. "Hey, Du Xiaobin, is your nose okay?" This kind and curious question instantly shortened the distance between the two of them, diluting the unnatural elements in the air. "It's very strong, but when it's cold, the nose turns red." As soon as Du Xiaobin entered the door, he saw a framed photo on the desk facing the door. Of course, it was Zhou Meng's jade photo.Is it the legendary pride of the past years or some worldly experience?Du Xiaobin's expression became less restrained, there was only one chair in the room, and she sat down gracefully on the edge of the bed. "Teacher Zong mentioned it to me. He said that you and Zhou Meng are engaged." It's smart to strike first. Li Ran was making tea for Du Xiaobin, his hand pressing the shutter was very steady, the boiling water went down in a straight line, and the cup of tea was immediately full. "Yes, we will get married as soon as she graduates." Li Ran said familiarly, "How about you, how is the novel writing?" "Haven't you read the novel I wrote?" "I seldom read novels." So far, Li Ran feels that his self-expression is okay, calm and natural, keeping a distance, and not entangled in details. "Have you eaten yet?" Du Xiaobin asked looking at the rice cooker in the corner. "I've eaten it." Li Ran didn't eat it, and he didn't ask Du Xiaobin if he had it. Her gaze came over flatly, and Li Ran felt the long-lost tension again. "Watching TV?" he asked. Du Xiaobin nodded. It was after nine o'clock after watching two episodes of the popular TV series, Du Xiaobin was still motionless, Li Ran stood up—meaning to see off the guests.The publishing house where Du Xiaobin works is right next to the city hall, only two stops away. Du Xiaobin raised his head, Li Ran had nothing to say. "Drink some more water?" She shook her head. "Then I'll take you back." "Li Ran." She called out his name abruptly, and her voice dropped, "Would you--sleep with me?" After thinking about it countless times, Li Ran couldn't recall exactly how he stretched out his hand. Yes, like a section of cut film, the next scene transitions directly to - he and Du Xiaobin are already hugging each other. late at night.The moment he was about to enter, Li Ran hesitated.Du Xiaobin stared straight at him with bright eyes, and asked, "You don't think I'm dirty, do you?" Afterwards, the first thought that crossed Li Ran's mind was not a big mistake, but it finally happened.He was indeed mentally prepared, but not with Du Xiaobin, but with that long-legged Dolma.In fact, he almost slept with Dolma.Dolma's surname is Lu, he is of mixed race, his mother is Tibetan and his father is Han.The general rule is that sweet girls are not too tall, tall girls are not sweet enough, and Dolma is a tall and sweet girl, which is very rare. But Du Xiaobin, he didn't think about it. Really never thought about it?Li Ran was not sure again. A girl with a history like Du Xiaobin, for a man, means possibility. With a sound of "goo", Du Xiaobin glanced at Li Ran in his arms, and the sound came from his stomach. "Didn't you eat it?" "Tomorrow we're going to eat the best Shanghai cuisine in Lhasa." At least in the beginning, sexual relations always became the lubricant of the relationship between men and women. Li Ran didn't explain, but his attitude was different.There was another "goo" sound, this time it was Du Xiaobin, both of them couldn't hold it anymore and laughed. Du Xiaobin said let me cook some instant noodles, don't you have a rice cooker here?Her attitude was quite casual, she got up and put on her clothes as she spoke, but Li Ran blocked her. "Xiao Bin." "I know, you will marry Zhou Meng." Du Xiaobin turned his head, his eyes were flat, "It has nothing to do with me." At this moment, Li Ran smelled Du Xiaobin's signature fragrance again. , it is relatively rich. "If you feel sorry, you can give me money." Li Ran stared at her, feeling discouraged. After all, he lost to Du Xiaobin, and he also lost to himself. "Don't talk to me in that tone." "Then teach me photography." Li Ran doesn't think Du Xiaobin is serious. Many girls learn fashion and play photography. Girls may have a good sense of composition, but they usually don't have the patience to play with equipment. But Du Xiaobin is serious. In her opinion, learning one more skill is one more way of survival, and people have to rely on themselves.Du Xiaobin often reminded Li Ran of when he was in elementary school, the little girl who was the group leader in the class, sitting upright, with the corners of her mouth tightly pursed, not conspicuous, but quite thoughtful. Mengmeng is different, Mengmeng is a shy, lazy little princess. Thinking of her now is more than four thousand miles away. Du Xiaobin himself did not expect Li Ran to have sex with her so logically.In the morning, while she was half asleep, he asked her again, and it lasted much longer than last night. He is not particularly intense, at first, even slowly, but the most beautiful part is this section, the suffocating sensuality.Sweat steamed from the seams of the body, eyes fogged up, and almost sharp, lips. He tortured her like this without letting her cry out, what was more tightly entangled than the body was each other's tongues.That's not sex, that's animality. He can't do this with Zhou Meng, can he? "Please, don't let me go." He really didn't let her go. October 22 is Li Ran's birthday. That night, Li Ran waited for the last express mail in the office, and finally got a greeting card from Mengmeng.The greeting card is the kind with the birthday song, or no photo, instead of her photo is her pencil self-portrait.Mengmeng can draw a few strokes. When she was a child, she learned traditional Chinese painting in the Children's Palace.She drew a willow tree, and in front of the willow tree was a girl with round eyes and braids, with a few light strokes, lifelike. There is a line of small characters in the lower right corner of the portrait: "My dear man, when is the return date?" Her charming appearance is right in front of her eyes, she still doesn't know anything. Li Ran picked up the receiver, dialed two numbers, and then put it down again. What else could he say to Mengmeng?After he slept with another woman.Going to bed is easy, going to bed frequently is not so simple.He didn't expect Du Xiaobin to be so coquettish in bed, and he didn't expect her body to stimulate him so much.Du Xiaobin can be regarded as an "inner beauty". The skin on his body is more delicate than his face, showing a beautiful honey color.After going to bed, you don't need much pre-play, and you are more excited than most women.From a professional point of view, Du Xiaobin is not without capital to be a prostitute. Li Ran couldn't help thinking that she might be able to do the job happily. Li Ran had never slept with two women at the same time before, that would be ridiculous.But now, he has a sense of collapse.The day before yesterday, he slept with Dolma for the first time. Subconsciously, he might want to prove that it wasn't that Du Xiaobin was particularly attractive, but that he hadn't touched a woman for a long time.He really proved this point, Zhuoma can stimulate him as well.But the result of the proof didn't calm him down. Instead of doubting Du Xiaobin's charm, he began to doubt himself. Was he actually an absurd man?Li Ran really can't stand this. ——The bell rang suddenly, Li Ran picked up the microphone, he thought it was Mengmeng. 话筒里传来杜小彬的声音，李然听了一会儿，无声无息地挂了电话。杜小彬最近常给他打电话，她算是缠上他了。 10月底的西藏已经很冷了，晚上又起了风，刮得玻璃窗一阵阵儿乱摇。 李然坐在空寂无人的办公室里，整个办公室只有他头顶上的一管日光灯亮着，显得格外冷清。他穿着大衣， 大衣外面挂着条烟灰色的围巾，围巾两头装饰着两条赭红色的细横杠，同样赭红色的流苏长长的。走廊里传来脚步声，接着，是杜小彬哗地推门进来了。 这么冷的大风天，她也没戴个围巾帽子，两腮吹得绯红。 “小彬。”李然迎了上去，很自然地摘下自己的围巾，刚要给她围上去，他举着的手又垂下去了。他不能忘记，围巾，是蒙蒙给他织的。 李然这时候脸上的表情，正像一个犯了错被老师罚站的小男孩。 杜小彬看在眼里，恨在心里。 这天晚上他还是跟她睡了，但是没碰她，没在实质意义上碰她。 早上，杜小彬醒过来的时候，李然已经不在了。 枕头靠外的一角压着个信封，捏捏信封，她心里已经有数了。 打开来，100元的老头票，有二十张。how to say?如果按他们做爱的次数来计算，他对她还不算顶大方的。杜小彬缺钱。一个女孩子，没有好家世、好背景、好相貌，还想过份好日子，她就注定一辈子缺钱花。可是她不会这么拿李然的钱，不是这么个方式，也不是这么个时候。 手里掂着钱，杜小彬并没有受到侮辱的感觉，虽然李然大可以做得有人情味一点儿，比如给她买件衣服什么的。前两天，杜小彬在拉萨第一百货大楼看中的一件紫红色皮大衣还不止这个数呢。别说杜小彬不懂得爱情，问题在于，像她这样遭际奇突的女子，爱情不是那么简单的一回事儿。不是风花雪月的一件事儿。 第一次从男人那里拿到钱，那个男人也是这样，在她睡醒之前离开，把钱压在枕下，只是没有信封。那是500 块钱，她不到十七岁，还管那个男人叫叔叔。 杜小彬是在路边的小饭店里碰到这位叔叔的，在她离家出走的路上。杜小彬不敢轻易地和陌生人打招呼，但是，这位倪叔叔看起来非常面善，他是个卡车司机。 是她自己要跟着倪叔叔的车走的，她觉得他是个好人，他帮她付了饭费，还要给她买火车票让她回家。杜小彬不想回家，她就指望着碰到像倪叔叔这样的好人，能给她找个工作。他是司机，在她长大的那个小镇上，司机是很有办法的一种人。 倪叔叔皱着眉头说：“姑娘，工作不好找哇，太苦你也干不了，听叔叔的话，你还是回家好好读书吧。”可是，他还是让她上了他的大卡车。一路上她跟倪叔叔聊得很开心。倪叔叔是山西人，有个儿子，老婆是小学教师。听说杜小彬要去西藏找亲妈，倪叔叔表示了同情，还给她出了不少主意。他一直夸杜小彬是个会说话的聪明姑娘，有她在旁边，开车都不困了。杜小彬说那我总陪着您开车吧。倪叔叔看她一眼说好啊。 1月的冬天，昼短。他们一路向西开，红彤彤的落日就在车子正前方跌到地平线下头去了。从车窗往公路两边看，黑极了，夜，是兜头兜脑直罩下来的，这是乡村才有的，彻底的深不见底的黑夜，偶尔能听到远远的一两声狗吠。 汽车停下来的时候杜小彬醒了，她听到倪叔叔说：“看你困得这样，就在这儿睡一觉吧。” 杜小彬记得自己跌跌撞撞的就知道跟在倪叔叔后头走。大概是路边一个私人开的小旅店，弯曲回绕的好几个院儿，她恍惚听到他们说只有一个房间了，也没在意。能有张床睡就不错了，她好多天没沾过床了。进了房，她一头倒在床上就睡着了。是窸窸窣窣的声音把她弄醒的，她睁开眼睛，黑暗中，看到倪叔叔靠近她的那张宽脸。 他想干什么，她是明白的，可她怎么跟他翻脸呢。她还是为他设想的，他是个好人，如果现在她翻脸了，他肯定会觉得难堪吧？ 杜小彬没有忘记问一句：“你能给我找工作吗？” 他“嗯”了一声。 并没有觉得怎么疼痛，让她受不了的是他身上强烈的味道。 完事后，她几乎立刻睡着了，矇眬中老感觉有人在轻轻擦拭她的身体。 有了第一次就会有第二次。 第二次这个人一上来就答应帮她找工作，还说要娶她，可杜小彬不相信他，他是个做生意的广西人，北海的，二十多岁。 等上了床，这个广西人气坏了，因为杜小彬身上正来红，他最多只能摸几把。杜小彬留了个心眼，等广西人睡着了，她把自己的衣服整整齐齐地穿好了才睡下。天蒙蒙亮的时候，杜小彬听到轻微的脚步声，她昨晚就记清了灯绳的位置，这时候一个跃起，抬手先把灯拉亮了。刚走到门边的广西人吓了一跳。 “你去哪儿？你不是要带我回家吗？”杜小彬堵在门口说。 “我去谈生意，马上，马上就回来。” 他慌了，天还没亮呢，他能去哪儿谈生意？ 杜小彬哼了一声，说：“我陪你一块儿去吧，多个帮手。” 广西人直眨巴眼睛，他真矮，几乎跟她一般高。 杜小彬咬着牙说：“你想就这么走吗？咱们出去评评理去。” 他嘟嘟囔囔地给她钱，一张一张地抽。 生意人，终归是怕事。 这是杜小彬高中时代的最后一次离家出走，广西人走了的第二天，在三门峡水库火车站，杜小彬被公安局当盲流送回了她的户籍所在地枞阳镇。 杜小彬又离家出走过，杜小彬为什么要一次次离家出走呢？ 为她远在西藏的生母?也可以这样说，虽然她自己也不知道有没有这样一位生母，从文学角度看一定是有的。 很简单，杜小彬出走是因为现实令她失望。是什么令一个少女失望呢？更简单，没有人爱她。至少，她认为，没有人爱她。 不过，当她真正年轻的时候，杜小彬自己也不知道自己为什么要出走。 她曾经以为是关于文学的一个梦想。 当然杜小彬是热爱文学的，一个小镇上长大的姑娘，相貌平平，不愉快的家庭生活，生性敏感还有点儿小才华。那么除了文学她还能爱什么呢？在80年代中期，台湾女作家三毛风靡大陆，三毛似乎以她的个人经历证明了流浪和文学之间的必然关系。 到第四次离家出走，杜小彬总算明白了两个事实：一，她要寻找的不是文学而是爱情；二，如果是为了寻找爱和温暖，在出走的路上你永远也找不到。 其实，不要说是出走的路上，在人生的路上，爱和温暖也是可遇不可求的。杜小彬把装着钱的信封压在周蒙像框的底下。她等了李然两天，等他的反应，他没有打电话更没有来找她。第三天一早，杜小彬给报社打电话， 李然的同事小梁告诉她李然两天前就去普兰了，住哪儿？——大概是县委招待所吧。 杜小彬可不是周蒙，对杜小彬来说，爱情绝不意味着等待。 对杜小彬来说，爱一个人意味着完全交出自己，包括羞耻和尊严。 “别害怕，我不会赖上你的。”这是杜小彬在普兰见到李然说的第一句话，杜小彬不是没有幽默感的。不管她这句话是不是真的，李然还是松了口气。 落在杜小彬眼里，扎了根刺那么难受。 杜小彬勉强笑着说：“也许我不该来的，我听人家说我亲妈在普兰住过，我想看看这个地方。”李然更轻松了一点，说：“是吗？你知道她现在住哪儿吗？我可以帮你找找，新闻单位办这些事还比较方便。” “我来晚了，听说她已经回内地了。其实，我也不一定非要找我亲妈，在西藏这半年多，我倒挺想念我那个养母的，小时候，我老怕她要死了。” 李然抽着烟，听着，不接话。 他们坐在普兰县委招待所的饭厅里，四周昏暗——在西藏，不论什么地方都脱不了这种昏暗的气氛。李然已经领教过杜小彬讲故事的本领，上次她给他讲的是牧区小学那些脏兮兮的藏族孩子们。不知道杜小彬自己知道不知道，在这样昏暗简陋的环境里听她娓娓道来，一个男人要爱上她不是件太困难的事。“我养母有慢性心脏病， 兜里总揣着硝酸甘油，人又黄又瘦，可有个好名字，陈栀子，就是栀子花那个栀子。夏天，一大早，洁白的栀子花就开了，很香，香得让人头晕。从我记事起，陈栀子就是那么又黄又瘦的，可是听说，在二十多年前的枞阳镇，陈栀子人如其名，是枞阳镇的一枝花。因为长得美，虽然有病，追陈栀子的小伙子还是排长队。陈栀子后来嫁给了杜有康，我的养父。” 杜小彬停下来，一双弯弯的清水眼瞄呀瞄的来回打量李然。 李然问：“怎么了？怎么不说了？” “李然，你也算长得好看的男人。” 李然尴尬地皱起眉头，还没听女孩子这么直截了当地夸过他的长相呢。 “不过，我就没有见过哪个男人比我养父长得更好看。不骗你，杜有康是我们枞阳镇远近闻名的美男子。我上小学那会儿，电视还很稀罕，有的乡下女人来镇上赶集，节目之一就是到镇一中看看讲课的杜老师，就像现在的人看明星一样。” 杜小彬眼睛瞄着李然，评价道：“李然，杜有康就像你，是个被女人宠坏了的男人。” 我是吗？李然在心里问自己。 像一切写小说的人，杜小彬自信读得懂人的心理，她点点头。 “我养父并不是坏男人，别看他在外面没断过女人，可他跟我养母两个恩爱着呢。他们是分床的，不过每隔两天，他总要在陈栀子床边坐坐，执手相对软语温存，活像个大情圣。”杜小彬口气调侃地说，“至于陈栀子， 李然，你总知道，女人都是心软的，听不得一句两句好话。” 凭什么他就该知道了？李然反驳：“我不知道，我不是女人专家。” “你不知道？那我告诉你，女人都是心软的。”杜小彬眼里满是嘲笑的意味，“不过，有规律就有例外，我是个例外。我这个人心硬，所以，你不用担心我会为你心碎。” 李然弹了弹烟灰，如果他没看错，杜小彬的眼角微微有点儿抽搐着，而且，她的逻辑根本错误，柔软的东西不易碎，硬的就相反。 计较起来，杜小彬的那颗心要碎也早碎了。 “我不担心。” “我知道，你担心也只会担心周蒙。”杜小彬的眼角恢复了平静，“喂，不是嫉妒，只是有点儿好奇，真的有山盟海誓的爱情吗？” 杜小彬的潜台词是：你真的爱周蒙吗？ 李然觉得他没有义务对杜小彬回答这个问题。 他沉默着，杜小彬可沉不住气了。 “我就不信有什么真正的爱情，爱情像小说，纯属虚构。我最讨厌看女作家写的爱情小说，虚构的虚构，好像——自慰。” 李然夸张地一笑，真是女作家了，什么话都说得出口了。 女作家写爱情小说就是自慰，那看爱情小说呢？ 蒙蒙是喜欢看爱情小说的，她推崇的，当然不是琼瑶，好像是个死了一两百年的英国女作家。而杜小彬，虽然是这样愤世嫉俗，虽然是这样侃侃而谈。 一个最基本的常识李然总还是知道的，女人说的和她想的，女人想的和她做的，刚好相反。就算杜小彬真的不相信爱情好了，女人对感情的态度从来是出了名的矛盾，即使不相信，并不代表她就不渴望拥有。 所以，杜小彬越这么说李然越觉得前景不妙，还说不会赖上他呢，当他是三岁小孩吗？可是，听一个女孩子这么曲折地表达她的爱意，到底让人觉得与众不同。她，目光闪烁，亮若星辰。 “看到那个小女孩儿吗？”杜小彬探过身子，轻声问道。 杜小彬指的是招待所饭厅里个儿最小的一个女服务员，模样怪伶俐的，还是个没长成的孩子。她的工作大概是服务员里最脏最累的，收碗筷抹桌子拖地。晚上八点多了，饭厅里也没几桌客人了，别的女服务员都在嗑瓜子聊天，只有那个小女孩提着水桶，低着头，来回地拖着油腻腻的水泥地。“我小时候就那样，我养母爱干净，每天都让我把家里的地拖一遍。八岁我就会做饭，十岁洗一家三口的衣服，还得把自己收拾整洁了，按我养父杜有康的话讲，女孩子得有个女孩子样。”杜小彬表情乖张地一笑，“可怜，是吧？我那时老想着，什么时候我才长大呢？长大了就可以离开家了。直到现在，我一听到人家说什么无忧无虑的童年就想笑。” 杜小彬满意地看着李然的反应，她知道，他心里挺不是滋味儿的。 “也不是没有好时候，陈栀子是镇一中图书馆唯一的管理员，书很多她又不能累着，一个人根本管不过来。 从上小学一年级，放了学我就去图书馆帮她理书，一边理一边看，一开始看图画书然后是字书。陈栀子别的没给过我，她就给了我书。我记得看了，就老想着等哪天我亲妈把我找回去，我可以有自己的整洁的房间，从此再也不用干活儿了。” ——“李然，你知道我为什么要离家出走吗？” “你不是说过吗？你要去西藏，找亲生母亲。” “也是也不是，直接原因其实是我的养母。我上高中以后，陈栀子的身体越来越差，有一个月接连晕倒三次，次次送医院急救。我当时挺害怕的，从小我就照顾她，我挺怕她死的，她要死了我还去照顾谁呢？”李然不由得握住了杜小彬的手，虽然他完全不能理解杜小彬对她养母的感情。如果她真是怕她的养母死，又为什么要出走，而不是留下来继续照顾她呢？ “我现在想，我是受不了养母随时会死的那种压力，我一走，就一了百了了，人总是很自然地要逃避痛苦。 ”这个解释也算合理，可是从杜小彬前面的叙述看，她对她的养母不应该有这么深的感情，骨肉才有的深情。李然觉得挺奇怪的。