Chapter 23 9.

9. The following things happened very quickly and suddenly. After a long time, Sansan thought that maybe she really shouldn't tell Astro Boy about the dead mouse.But who knew, who knew that after the cause and effect of those things were connected, she would be the damn fuse?Maybe everyone would be fine.She had harbored such feeble illusions and hopes that no one could really be hopeless.She hopes that Astro Boy can become a good person, but if he really becomes a good person, then he will no longer be Astro Boy, and he will become a stranger who has nothing to do with her.Why did you ask her to meet Astro Boy again?Those memories are destined to be forgotten, in the end they will all forget what is secret, what is anxiety, what is worry, and will forget the best time, so why ask them to meet again?Originally, the secret had already been soaked by the river, covered with water plants and moss, and no one would brush away those water hyacinths floating on the water. They should follow the same growth discipline as everyone else, even if the back of the head grows There will always be a day when you feel tired even if you are anti-bone.No one wants to go through those repeated hurts, it's like dying once and then coming back to life, and then having to die again, it's tiring and unnerving, and it's becoming too tiring and unnecessary to cry.

After school that day, Sansan rode his bicycle crazily across those unfamiliar roads.Why would she know something was wrong?The nerve in her body that grew together with Astro Boy was twitching and screaming, making her eye sockets moist when facing the mock test paper, and she couldn't hear anything from the noisy broadcast during the English listening test. sound.The pink duplicator hidden in her schoolbag was vibrating hysterically all the time, she covered it with her hand, she wanted to turn off the machine, she wanted to remove its battery.This is the most important mock exam, and then she has to fill out the application form and enter the university, but she can't do it.Familiar numbers flashed repeatedly on the small LCD screen, numbers that I can recite without thinking until now.She couldn't keep looking at the copy machine that had gone crazy, and her right eyelid was constantly beating.She anxiously moved her butt from side to side on the chair. This scene is so familiar, it seems that the invigilator on the stage has been replaced by the damn math teacher with acne in hallucinations. Take it away from your desk.She was dizzy, and finally ran out of the classroom when the closing bell rang, forgetting all the random multiple-choice answers.She can't tell what is more important because of her confused and idle heart.

As soon as the exam was over, Sansan rushed out of the classroom with the copy machine, she knew that something happened to Astro Boy. Memory is really messy.Sansan repeatedly recalled the road that followed Astro Boy to the repeater's home that day. The barber shop, vegetable market and bus stop signs on the roadside, as well as the newly built ubiquitous 24-hour convenience stores were all similar to each other.This damn city, this damn city full of pile drivers and cement mixer trucks, seemed to have painstakingly built a maze for her, and those unfamiliar roads seemed extraordinarily ruthless, without details, and unable to distinguish.She really wanted to cry.She heard the lady at the paging station read the machine message to her impatiently and casually.She clutched the microphone tightly for fear of missing a word, but the sweet voice read so fast and mercilessly, it seemed that they could receive millions of messages like this one a day.

They are dull, emotionless grown-ups! Astro Boy left a message: "Stop me, I don't want to go back there again. If I go back, I won't be able to get out again." Sansan wanted to take a deep breath and think about how to stop him.She tried to do these things, didn't she?That summer, Astro Boy and Lin Yueyuan ran along the embankment of Suzhou Creek.She could hear herself screaming even if she covered her ears.The two of them ran forward with bare backs as black as loach and spread their feet, taking off their dirty sneakers impatiently while running.She always tried to stop them from doing those stupid things, but in fact, when they made up their minds, it was like a rumbling train that couldn't stop.She watched helplessly as the two of them jumped naked into the quiet Suzhou River in the evening, leaving only white foam floating on the surface of the river.She was afraid of that kind of quietness, as if she was suddenly left alone in the world, so lonely that even her stomach hurt.Now she was riding a bicycle on an unfamiliar road trying to identify the direction between the street signs, but she seemed to see Lin Yueyuan leaning against the door of the classroom again, carrying a colorful water bottle, and him holding a firecracker on the playground. It looked like it was puffing out white gas.At this moment, these fragments seemed to be cutting her like a blade, causing her unbearable pain.Why are those memories suddenly overwhelmed?She had never felt so useless before, and those damn tragedies were all being played out in front of her.The fists she swung were as limp as hitting cotton.If only she could remember the way, it would be great if she could arrive at the new village where the repeated students lived earlier.If she could go faster and faster, turn back time, and turn back time, would she repeat the same mistakes, would she screw things up again and again?

Later, she will always remember the scene she saw this evening, which made her tremble and become disheartened when she thought of it. The entrance of the Xincun alley where the repeaters lived was crowded by passers-by, and the firefighters were rolling out the leather pipes to be filled with water from the back of the red car.They wore airtight fireproof suits, which reminded Sansan of the fire station next to the vegetable market on Wanhangdu Road when she was a child.In summer, she would wear a nightgown and suck doll ice cream to watch those firefighters train.But now it was so different, she could smell the air filled with the smell of burnt wood, and a huge black mushroom-like smoke was constantly rising from the roof of a house.She blindly walked forward against the crowd, and suddenly a vacant space appeared out of thin air within a radius of ten meters around the house. Two aunts in work clothes in a convenience supermarket downstairs rushed straight from the opposite side with their heads in their arms, and hit three people. On San San's shoulders, he turned his head and shouted angrily: "Little girl, you will die if you watch any excitement!" Suddenly, a speck of scalded dust floating in the air flew into San San's eyes, and it hurt a little. and she shed tears.No flames could be seen from the windows on the top floor of the house, only the thick smoke and dust rolled into the sky like a caged beast out of its cage, and a ginkgo tree as high as the fifth floor next to it was almost swallowed up if it could not avoid it.This place is not at all the quiet look I saw when I came with Astro Boy last time.In one room, the radio that was too late to turn off was still playing Jacky Cheung's songs loudly.The sound was shrill at first, and then she couldn't hear anything at all.She was pushed and pulled back, a piece of wood that was filled with flower pots suddenly broke from the scorched window sill, and two flower pots that were originally planted with shallots and buried egg shells were smashed on the ground. on the ground.A rough stranger grabbed Sansan by the arm and pulled her back, causing her to almost stagger and fall to the ground, but they kept cursing vigorously, as if the fire was all because of her, who was not afraid of death, but slumped into the smoke and dust. The little girl who walked by.She couldn't hear their voices, but saw firefighters holding water hoses rushing forward behind her, while she was pushed back by those people.The smoke choked her to tears and snot, and there were new fire engines and police cars roaring behind her.She looked at the rising smoke with red eyes, and felt that she wanted to scream out of her throat but couldn't make a sound.Standing in the crowd, she didn't dare to move, she didn't dare to move again, for fear that her eyes would suddenly go dark and she would lose consciousness.If she fell down here, she would definitely be trampled to death by the fleeing people.Surrounded by panicked and excited strangers, the two aunts who came out of the supermarket were chattering and describing how the fire started, while Sansan just wanted to find A-Tong in the crowd. wood shadow.

She had never wanted to find Astro Boy so fiercely, but she was afraid that she would really find him here.Two policemen with walkie-talkies and sunglasses were chattering to each other, and roadblocks had been set up further away.She wished she could see Astro Boy so she knew he was still alive, but if he wasn't burned inside too he should run away, get out of here, get out of this place where no one cares about him and no one wants him alive .I don't know if the repeat students died or not.The smoke gradually dissipated, and the window sill that was soaked by the water gun had been burnt black, and looking in, one could see that the ceiling fan was still hanging on the roof, and the surrounding walls were blackened by the smoke.I don't know if the repeater is in the room that is so quiet that only ashes are left.When the second batch of firefighters rushed into the building, Sansan fled from the increasingly excited crowd holding the bicycle keys.

After returning home, Sansan soaked in the bathtub for an hour in shock, turning the faucet to the maximum, letting the bubbling hot water flow down her hair and down her back.She washed it repeatedly to get rid of the soot smell in her hair and skin pores before dinner.She smelled herself like a child whose hair was scorched by a candle during a blackout night, so she soaked in soapy suds, rubbing every corner of her body viciously with a loofah until she finally saw her eyes. The place where I got it was all red, and the skin on the fingers and toes was wrinkled and white because of soaking for too long.My mother was sitting at the table watching a bowl of short rib and radish soup gradually getting cold, and couldn't help but want to rush in.Only then did she lift herself up from the water, stood wet on the cold tiles, and threw all the clothes into the front-loading washing machine and covered it.But even though she changed into the pajamas at home that were stained with the scent of cream, she still sat in the corner desperately to eat, afraid that her parents would smell the smell of smoke and dust that she always felt lingering, afraid that they would ask, When asked about today's exam, or how she had a good day at school, she would lose her composure and cry.She hated their concern, hated their probing eyes, hated their last hope for her.She's moldy, she's a damp mushroom.She wished they'd just let her go, let her grow up the way she wanted to, let her get out of the nightmare on her own terms.Throughout the night, I kept the duplicator next to my body all the time, and I had to make sure it was indeed turned on every two minutes.But it seemed as if the battery was exhausted, as if it had died, and it didn't vibrate again until she curled up in the quilt and fell asleep.

Maybe Astro Boy has been arrested by the police. Maybe he is trapped in that burnt building with repeaters. Maybe he bought a train ticket to leave Shanghai. Maybe, maybe he is dead. Maybe Astro Boy is really dead. In the early morning, the copy machine that was pressed under the pillow vibrated violently.Sansan jumped up in surprise and pressed it, only to realize that maybe summer is really coming, the quilt pressed on her body made her covered in cold sweat.It was only 4:30, but the sky outside was already slightly red, and the sparrows on the telegraph poles were screaming loudly, and the white sky would soon be revealed.Sansan picked up the phone and dialed the number displayed on the screen. During the few minutes waiting for the connection, her heart was desperately trying to jump out of her body.His throat was dry and burning, and his vocal cords were tensely tightened when he couldn't wait to "feed".

Astro Boy didn't die, his voice on the phone was so clear and distant: "I'm right at your door. Come out whatever you want." Sansan wore a pair of sweatpants and ran out without even tying the laces of her running shoes.Mom and Dad's room was still dead silent, and when the iron door slammed shut behind her, she was so nervous that she wanted to vomit.Then, on a cold and humid early summer morning, she saw Astro Boy standing there pushing that dilapidated bicycle, who had not slept all night.He looked strange and hard, without panic or despair.He stood up straight with bright eyes, just as before.But something always seemed wrong, as if he had suddenly become a grown-up.This feeling is the same as when Sansan saw Wu Xiaoyun standing outside the railing at the school gate for the last time, she turned into an adult wrapped in a child's shell, tiptoeing to stare at Sansan who was running on the playground .But now, even though it was just a long night, it seemed that another six years had passed by out of thin air. In a trance, she clearly felt that Astro Boy had turned into an adult as if his hair turned white overnight, and he had become the one that belonged to them. side people.Originally, they seemed to be two people leaning on each other weakly, but why did Sansan look at the hard line at the corner of his mouth and feel that the tendon connecting the two of them was broken by that knife?She could barely walk in pain, and she wanted to go up and hug him, hug his solid body, if that would stop things from getting worse.But she had never been hugged, no one had ever told her that no one had ever hugged her.She doesn't know how to hug at all, so now she can only watch him become an adult, as if he jumped into Suzhou Creek again.She couldn't stop him, if she wasn't a stupid landlubber, would she jump with him if she could swim?

"I screwed up," Astro Boy said as nonchalantly as possible. "I was taking a mock exam yesterday afternoon. It's important, but it doesn't matter now. I should have come to you sooner." "Excellent student, you should be admitted to a university. If you are admitted to a prestigious university, don't tell people that you were educated by our Yan family." The two of them talked perfunctorily as if they really didn't care about each other, as if they were trying to forget the disaster of the previous evening.For the next few days, what Sansan was most afraid of was watching the "Xinmin Evening News" and the 6:30 TV news. She was worried about seeing any reports about the fire, worried about seeing that the repeat students had died, worried Seeing the photos and comments, she was worried that people would find the murderer, and worried that the things recorded in words and pictures would make her memory convincing, just like the stamped stamps, which would never be forgotten.She was afraid that she would never forget again.When those terrible things happen, she can always turn on a switch in her body and forget about it completely. Although she will lose all the happy moments, those things are really terrible and sad things.She is used to this, she forgives herself for forgetting the saddest and happiest times repeatedly, she forgives herself for ruining her own memory, she also forgives Astro Boy a long time ago, forgives those hurts straight on the face!She forgave everything but why did things only get worse?They didn't know whether the repeaters died in the fire. No newspapers or TV news mentioned the fire, but they even mentioned a stray cat trapped on a sycamore tree in a new village. The prisoner's poetry reading in the prison mentioned a big eater competition held in a certain country.Why did they mention so many trivial things but not a word about the fire?Sansan felt as if the whole world had united to hide from her, to deceive her, to keep her in the dark.Was it because she had been a damned liar that they were taking revenge on her like this?They trapped her in a time warp, making up the world that was going on, and it was all fake.When she struggles to tear away all the curtains one day, will she find that she is still standing on the bank of the Suzhou River in the summer of twelve, crying on the pair of broken sandals, and what if the truth is more terrifying than this?

Astro Boy set the fire.He found out the house number of the repeater's house, ran to the corridor of his house that evening and smashed the glass windows, lit two glass Coke bottles filled with kerosene and threw them in.When he was running down the stairs, he bumped into many people. A middle-aged man who had just got off work was knocked over by him, and the eggs in the basket turned yellow all over the floor.He pointed at Astro Boy's back and yelled, so this time he really couldn't escape, and everyone would stand up and testify against him.He is so special, unique, the way he looks, the way he runs, the way he swears, the way he swears, he will be found out quickly.He never thought about it as a child.If Sansan hadn't pounced on him and tore him away that time, he would have strangled the repeater to death with that red scarf.It would be fine if he strangled the repeater to death at that time, his whole life would really be over, and he wouldn't have to have any hope for the long and cold time after that.Just let him stay in the correctional center with peace of mind, let him stay there from the time he was young until he grows old until he dies.Why give him a way out, and watch him cruelly trample on the so-called future?So he hesitated, and after throwing out the two Coke bottles he froze until the flames exploded with a bang, and he felt his eyelashes burnt from the scorching heat.He didn't regret all the bad things he did, but at that moment he suddenly felt small and sad that he had never felt before.He never knew what he was doing, he ran as if trying to extinguish the fire in his body.But now the fire seemed to be really extinguished, so he was really at a loss.He suddenly felt that he would never do these things again, never need to run, never want to run around, never want to wake up from a nightmare, never want to go back to that damn place.He was so tired that he wished he could die immediately. "Is he dead?" Sansan stared into his eyes, but they were really emotionless eyes. "I don't know. But if it's not dead, he won't scare you with dead rats again." "Don't say these things, don't say that you did all this for me." For some reason, the words Astro Boy said seemed to touch the most fragile part of Sansan's heart that would break when it collapsed .She almost jumped up.Her face was almost close to the tip of Astro Boy's nose. She said angrily: "Don't make me your accomplice, don't make me feel guilty. I can't take it anymore. Don't make me so sad. Why can't you be a good person? You say you like me, you say you can do it for me Do everything, but I just want you to be a good guy, and you're a murderer, you're a murderer." "Yes, I am a murderer. In your eyes, no matter how hard I try, I am still a murderer. In your eyes, I killed Lin Yueyuan. You have no intention of forgiving me. All my efforts are In vain. You can act like a person with no memory, but I can't. I have been in the juvenile detention center for six years. When I came out, even Yan's house was demolished. Even if I killed Lin So what if it's farther away? I can make you blame me for all the faults, if it will stop you from feeling sad. You always live according to your own wishes, and you are so selfish that you don't care You think your sorrows are great, but you have no idea how damaging the things you do and the things you say are. You don’t care how hurt others are.” Is Lin Yueyuan dead? Did Lin Yueyuan die? Sometimes we have to cry, not because we are cowardly or timid, but because if we don't cry, we will really die. Astro Boy said all the words that could stab Sansan's heart to pieces in one minute, then he gasped and stared blankly at Sansan's face, while she looked into his eyes with tears streaming down her face They froze and couldn't move anymore.The two of them just looked at each other and panted desperately, as if the air was thin and they were about to drown, as if a fish thrown on the shore was waving its tail hopelessly and slapping the mud, as if waking up from a nightmare and dared not close their eyes for fear Tossed back into an endlessly haunting dream again. Then, the two of them finally hugged each other. They didn't know who stretched out their arms first, and who buried their heads in whose arms first, but now they were hugging each other and weeping.The tears blocked their noses, so they had to keep their mouths open and gasp for air.Their faces, necks and arms were all wet, and they looked as if they were acting out of a TV show.But it has to be like this, if you don't cry, you will die.At this moment, for Sansan, all the fog suddenly dissipated. In fact, those memories are all there. Those memories are like water being refilled into the long-dried swimming pool, with withered sycamore trees floating on it. Leaves and slippery moss, water gurgling.She still seems to be sitting next to this open-air swimming pool with bare feet in her undershirt.She was obviously only twelve years old at that time, and there was no other difference compared to now except that she grew crazily taller.She opened her eyes and saw the big cotton candy-like clouds in the sky that summer, as peaceful as the golden sunset on the Suzhou River embankment, and she, the one standing on the river embankment in despair The little girl next to her, the prettiest dress was actually not as good-looking as she remembered, it was short, tight, and even stained a lot of oil on her chest that couldn't be washed off.She struggled to step over the piled up boulders, stared desperately at the white foam floating on the water, rubbed her eyes, and muttered helplessly: It's over, it's over, it's over, it's over, it's over. "I'm leaving. I'll go buy a bottle of wine and a cigarette for my dad when it's dawn, and then I'll be leaving." Astro Boy said in her ear. "Where are you going?" She hugged him subconsciously. His bones were hard and his skin was hot as if it had been burned. "Go to Yunnan by train. I heard from my friends that I will take the train for three days and two nights. It must be a long way." "Will you come back?" "I want to come back. I want to stay here, with you." "Take me with you, please, take me with you, I can't stay here by myself." "You're going to college." "I'm going to die. Please, don't be cruel like them. I'm going to die." Sansan hugged him tightly, saying these blankly as if someone whose body had been hollowed out.Now she remembered everything, and she remembered everything as if she had never forgotten it, as if the real world suddenly appeared behind all the curtains around her.But the cruelest thing is that the world is not as obscure as the pale sky with ashes floating, but it is shining with light, the cool breeze blowing across the roof in the evening, the balsams and banana leaves swaying outside the window of the clinic, the sports parade ceremony The lime powder that was painted on the top of the white running shoes... No one knew that she was once the fastest girl in the elementary school class.She remembered that before the entrance exam, one day she was sent to an English cram school by her mother on the bicycle seat. When she passed Wanhangdu Road, she saw Lin Yueyuan and Astro Boy climbing two huge piles of gravel.Her butt hurt from being bumped by the uneven road, and she was still drinking a can of Coke.Mom was riding fast, and when she turned her head she saw the two of them had climbed to the top of the gravel pile and were cheering and waving to her.Now Lin Yueyuan's appearance is so clearly floating on the water of memory, it seems that he can fish it out with his hand.She recalled the way he was standing under the sycamore tree at the gate of Wanhangdu Road with the colorful kettle on his back, and his tongue-in-cheek Mandarin with a Beijing accent.She remembered that he had been dead for seven years.As for Sansan herself, seven years later, she desperately hugged the murderer and cried loudly.The sun came out slowly, and the sanitation workers gathered together the fallen leaves on the road with a thick sorghum broom, and stared at the two of them for a long time as they passed by.Sansan didn't know what she was doing, but she really didn't want to let go.All things seem to be connected together like a meridian has been opened up.She was worried that after she let go, she would never have the strength to walk back, and she was worried that anyone would see her face covered in tears and snot.Hide it, hide it, no one will care. "After school, wait for me at the school gate after school." Astro Boy let go of her hand, and she stared into his eyes. But those eyes without feelings, is the future like this? "Idiot, listen to me, We can't tell anyone. Did you hear what I said? You look at me, we can't tell anyone about this, Otherwise it's screwed, you know?Did you hear it? It's our secret, don't tell anyone, The hook is hung for a hundred years and cannot be changed. " "Let me tell you a secret: we made a bet, Lin Yueyuan said that if he floats out of the Suzhou River first, it means that he likes you more, and if I float out of the Suzhou River first, it means that I like you more. I knew I was going to win. He shouldn't be competing with me, he shouldn't be jumping, because no one will like you more than me." And in the summer when they were twelve years old, the two of them stripped naked and jumped into the water like a loach. Lin Yueyuan never floated up from the Suzhou River again.Does this mean that he never liked Sansan at all in his heart?This is just a trick played between their boys. If he really likes her, even if it's just the size of a fingernail, he will definitely swim out of the dirty and thick river, even if it takes a lot of money. More time, even with all his strength, he would swim out of that damn river.But how long did Sansan wait by the river that day?When it was all dark, when the blood from the huge opening on Astro Boy's arm was solidified, he curled up tiredly on the stone and fell asleep, and the white foam on the river surface gradually disappeared, leaving only pieces of water hyacinth In the night, like black nets covering the entire river, Lin Yueyuan never swam up again.He must have never liked her, he must have cared so little about her, that he would not take the slightest effort to swim out of that filthy river.Sansan repeatedly walked around that section of the embankment in despair. When she got there, her little toes and heels were worn out by crappy sandals. When she got there, her hair was all drooping on her forehead, and the bow of her skirt was unraveled. Astro Boy's blood stained on the table turned dark red, very dirty.She saw plastic bags and a dead cat floating on the river, and tried not to look at it, but accidentally saw the empty sadness in the cat's half-rotten eyes, and the rice grains in its ears Maggots big and small are eating away at those rotting proteins.She immediately bent down and retched, and at this moment, Astro Boy, who was curled up next to her, let out a low and rapid gasp in her throat in a nightmare, and her limbs trembled wildly, making Sansan feel that he would die in a second. He immediately foamed at the mouth and died.But he suddenly woke up screaming, woke up and put his hands on the still warm stones on the ground, staring blankly at a garbage boat passing smoothly on the black river in front of him.A dog with its tail between its legs stood in the bow and barked wildly at them both.Astro Boy picked up a stone from the ground and threw it over. The dog jumped up and slammed the heavy iron chain tied to it behind him.At that time, Astro Boy's face was burning red and hot, and white pus rolled out from the exposed wound.Talking nonsense, he stumbled and ran along the embankment, shouting Lin Yueyuan's name, cursing, throwing all the stones he could pick up into the Suzhou Creek, splashing white one after another in the darkness Immediately after the splash, it was engulfed by black algae.Sansan squatted on the ground and hugged her swollen knee, she could no longer shout, the heart-piercing yelling at Astro Boy just now made her vocal cords hurt like being cut, so she lost her last resistance The weapon of fear.There were panicked bats slamming blindly under the pier, and the clumsy sound made her heart jump. She only remembered that she used up her last strength and said to Astro Boy who was blindly throwing all the stones into the river like a foolish old man moving mountains: "Murderer, you are a murderer." "I didn't kill him, I didn't!" "I hate you." "I didn't kill him, I'm not a murderer." "Go away, murderer, please go away." "When we jumped down, we were holding hands, but there was scrap metal under the water, and my arm hit the iron frame, and then I let him go. I wanted to open my eyes to see , but the water, the water nearly blinded me. He must have been hit too, but I couldn't see him. Who knew what the hell would be under that water? I thought my arm would Broke, I figured I was going to lose so I swam like hell. I'm not that bad, I didn't kill him, no no no no." "I don't believe you." Sansan turned her face away. "Stupid, listen to me, we can't tell anyone. Do you hear what I'm saying? You look at me, we can't tell anyone about this, or we're screwed, you know? You hear me Is it? This is our secret, don’t tell anyone, it won’t change after a hundred years of hanging on the hook.” Astro Boy's eyes were red, and he tightly strangled Sansan's neck with his hands.She looked into his eyes sadly, angry and heartbroken and really wanted to kill her eyes.She couldn't remember how she got home that day.She walked along the Suzhou Creek, stepping on the dirty puddles on the ground in the dark, the blisters on her toes were torn apart, but she felt no pain at all.There were times when the bats flew towards her suddenly under the eaves of those shantytowns and she felt that she might be dying.From time to time, cats dragged their tails and swished past in the wet weeds, making a rustling sound.What is it like to die?If you don't feel pain, then die and die.She felt that the road would never end, as if Lin Yueyuan, who was stuck in the mud, still needed her company.She thought that even if he didn't like her, even if he didn't care about her, as long as he felt lonely, she could be with him as long as he wanted.To him, she could really be desperate, but he wouldn't even know it. Finally, she returned home.Mom helped her fill the bathtub with hot water.The freshly boiled hot water in the thermos filled the bathroom with steam, and she felt almost suffocated in it.She didn't even cry when her father wrapped her body in a towel and carried her back to the small sofa bed.She lay drowsy on the cold mat, watching the dusty electric fan spinning monotonously above her head.During the flurry just now, the adults surrounded her and asked a lot of questions. They shook her shoulders and shouted at her: "Look at me, Sansan, look into my eyes. What's wrong with you? Look into my eyes, It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what happens, Mom and Dad will always be there for you. Tell us who bullied you, we won't let this happen again. Why don't you talk? Sansan, don't stop talking." They took her He swung her arms and legs to check her for wounds, and turned her face to their eyes.But she was so tired, she was so tired that she didn't even have the strength to cry, she was so tired that she couldn't even feel the pain of heartbreak, she was so tired that even fear and fear had no time to attack her, so she fell asleep.Before falling asleep, looking at the flight lights on the top floor of the Hilton Hotel and the sycamore leaves swaying outside the skylight, she suddenly thought that she was only twelve years old, she had never talked about friends, she never knew what kissing was, but she It's over.Lin Yueyuan died, and nothing more terrible than this would ever happen in this life.It's the worst thing ever, and no matter what she does later, it won't make it up.Originally, if she was admitted to a key middle school, she might really become an ordinary girl who followed the steps from now on, but now, she has become a daughter that her parents will never forgive, and she will always be a third-grade registration photo. Put on that bad boy liar's face.She kept silent. When she got up in the morning, she saw the dress that had been soaked and washed all night hanging lightly in the patio, but she still felt that the skirt was covered with blood, so she immediately poured out all the hot milk she had just drank. Spit it out.She was very sad.Although she didn't say it, she was guilty and she couldn't be forgiven.With this damned secret in her arms, she felt like her life was over. No one ever tried to keep her in the dark.She was reluctant to speak that whole summer, for fear that if she spoke a secret, she would blurt it out.In the first days, how much she wanted to tell someone, anyone, anyone who was patient with her and would listen to her.She was about to go crazy, every day as long as the iron door was knocked or the auntie in the public phone booth came to call the door with her slippers, she would be frightened.因为一直不说话她感到自己的舌头和上颚被粘在一起，好像嘴巴里也长出一层厚厚的苔藓来。而爸爸妈妈轮流在白天请假陪伴她，不敢再把她一个人放在家里。她像被囚禁在了那间小小的屋子里面。刮台风的时候她看到外面的天空突然变成了土黄色，梧桐树枝剧烈地摇摆着，但是却根本不害怕。最可怕的事情都已经发生了，再没有什么值得害怕的了。而只要爸爸妈妈逼迫她开口说话，她就开始尖叫。她害怕跟他们呆在一起的时光，她害怕跟他们围坐在饭桌上被他们探究又哀伤的眼神注视着，所以每次吃饭时都会魂不守舍地大口吞饭只巴望着快点坐回到自己的角落里去。有一次妈妈特地做了她最爱的凉拌海带，但是她竟然让满口的米饭把海带堵在了喉咙口。她记得自己在饭桌上大声呕吐，嚼得半碎的饭粒喷得到处都是，翻着白眼，几乎要窒息过去时才被妈妈用手指从喉咙里把海带抠了出来。a mess.她咳嗽着，绝望极了，感到那些爱和耐心都在渐渐地被消磨。她相信一定有一天他们将不再爱她，不再对她抱有任何希望。她看到妈妈蹲下身子收拾被打碎的碗，她的头发上甚至还沾着喷出来的米粒，她就知道，他们都在对她慢慢丧失耐心。 那个下午，她把橡皮筋绑在夹竹桃和消防栓中间，独自在弄堂里面跳。骑着辆破自行车的邮递员打着轻快的铃铛在她面前停下来，说：“哟，好像是录取通知书哎。小姑娘真有出息，已经长这么大了。很快就要收到男孩的情书了吧？到时候爸爸妈妈可要担心了。”她打开那只挺刮的信封，从里面抽出张粉红的纸来。握着那张纸，她却突然开始哭起来。她竟然被名牌中学录取了。她这样一个劣迹斑斑的女生竟然将要混迹于那些优等生中，可是这除了会给爸爸妈妈带来些安慰外又有什么意思呢？她不在乎这些了，不在乎自己将有一个什么样的未来。她感到就好像突然之间一切都被拦腰斩断了一般，就好像时光突然间停滞了一般。如果可以的话就叫时光停滞在那个傍晚之前吧。忘记吧，忘记这该死的黄昏，没有人死掉没有人心碎，顶多只是些糟糕的成绩单和没有签名的家长联系手册。如果能够忘记这些，她愿意做任何事情，她愿意付出一切代价，她愿意失去所有欢乐的时光，没有关系。她哭着，因为心脏的疼痛而哀伤地呻吟着。她愿意被笼罩在迷雾里，如果能够忘记这些，她愿意变成个麻木不仁的大人。谁知道长大是怎么回事呢？谁知道以后还会经历什么更残忍的事情呢？但是她相信，记忆总也抵不过成长来得漫长。只是想要彻底变成一个毫无情怀的人，到底还要发生多少事情，到底还要心碎几次？会不会到最后耐心全无，会不会根本就等不到那天的到来？她因为迷惘而哭泣，就好像她已经永远失去了爱或者再也得不到爱。 在厨房里煮饭的爸爸听到声音后奔出来，拿过那张被她的眼泪浇湿的录取通知书，轻轻拍着她的头说：“会好起来的。到了中学里没有人在乎你的过去，你可以做个跟别人一样的女生。这是好事情，要高兴起来。” 其实从来没有人要欺骗她要对她撒谎，只有她自己是那个守着秘密的撒谎精和匹诺曹。 可是笨蛋，我随时都感到你会回来， 随时都准备跟你逃跑。 这希望就快要折磨死我了。