Chapter 17 Article seventeen

231 After returning home, I fell on the bed in a daze, tossed and fell asleep, and was awakened by a nightmare at noon, covered in cold sweat.Get out of bed after getting dressed, Alai’s leftover half cup of coffee from last night is still there on the coffee table, it has dried up when spilled on the coffee table, a few Alai’s long hairs are left on the pillow, and the traces of having sex on the bed sheet are still there , the Pink Floyd CD that Arri took out was still in the CD deck, and everything was like a big dream. 232 In the few days after Alai left, I have been in a heavy heart. I found the old photos of Alai and Alai, and carefully looked at the face that made my heart flutter in the past. In the photos, she was smiling or making various weird faces. , It’s very emotional, those lost good years came to my mind one by one, I put the photos back away, and comforted myself with Alai’s words-everything is just a fleeting moment.

I didn't call Alai. What Alai decided to do is very difficult to undo. I don't want to annoy her again. From New Year's Day to 10th in 1993, just the name Alai can make me infinitely sad and haunted. , crumbling. I moved the phone to my pillow, and I answered it as soon as it rang, and hung up when I heard it wasn't Alai's voice. For ten days, there was no news from Alai. On the night of the 10th, due to regret and extreme exhaustion, I cut my hand deeply while cutting a piece of bread, bleeding a teacup full. 233 On the 11th, when I was at work, my manager sent me to Wushan to participate in the project acceptance. I booked a train ticket and hoped to leave as soon as possible. When I left on the 13th, I was afraid of missing something.So I turned back home without saying hello to the company. I called my colleague in Wushan at home and told him that I was late for a week. Then I went back home, slept every day during the day, and went to the bar to get drunk at night.One day, no matter how much I drank, I couldn’t do my job. I drank twelve soda cans, one bottle of vodka, and one bottle of red wine to achieve my goal. When I woke up, I found myself lying in the car, throwing up all over the back seat of the car.

A week later, I turned back to the train station and called Alai and his company fifteen minutes before boarding the train. The staff of their company told me: Alai went to Malaysia for a trip and got married. Putting down the phone, I got on the train unsteadily, lying on the sleeper, almost crying bitterly, until I changed to the ship, I was in a trance, didn't eat anything before arriving at Wushan, and fell seriously ill as soon as I got there. After recovering from illness, I participated in the complicated and tedious debugging before the acceptance inspection. Apart from sleeping, I could only work and work, and my mind did not dare to have the slightest blank. , can't help it.

After the acceptance inspection, I went to Zhangjiajie with my colleagues. After walking in the mountains for seven days, my mood just eased a little. It was mid-January when I returned to Beijing. Not long after he came back, Lu Ran returned from Tibet. His book didn’t make any progress, but he missed his physical life because he didn’t see any beautiful girls there. So, the two of us wandered around all day long, sniffing honey, sometimes one night. We went to all the bars in Beijing. As long as we saw some pretty girls, we would go up and talk to them without any scruples. We soon met several girls who were as boring as us. Even so, we still went to each bar. Hanging out at nightclubs trying to get new girls.

Because I often stayed up late at night to go to bed, I couldn’t get up in the morning, I was late every day, and I turned a deaf ear to the criticism from the company’s leaders. Later, for a few days, I didn’t even go to work.When I went to the company to receive my salary again, I was notified that I was fired. 234 That afternoon, I was walking on the streets of Zhongguancun, and when I passed a trash can, I threw all the business cards of the company in my pocket into it.I looked at my watch. It was two o'clock in the afternoon. I was wearing a fat down jacket and walked south along Zhongguancun. After a while, I arrived at Huangzhuang. In the cold wind, my body was sweating. I was tired from walking, so I sat on the side of the road and took out a box of Hilton cigarettes from my pocket that I stole from the company before I left. I carefully unwrapped the package and moved slowly. It was like opening a jewelry box. I pulled out one lightly, and it took a long time to light the fire and start smoking.

It's not a mess, but it's over, which makes me feel relieved. My legs were numb, and my face hurt from the wind. I stood up, at a loss like a fool, and suddenly I realized that my standing posture was ridiculous, slow and limp, and I was a little disappointed in myself. Pedestrians hurried past me, looking numb, and I stood among them, motionless, useless.For a while I was embarrassed, and then I felt a boundless loneliness and sadness, and I stood there, alone and tired. The sky was overcast with mottled gray clouds, and there was no sunlight. 235 Alai, I tell you, I need you, whether you can hear me or not, whether you still love me or not.

236 It took me a long time to understand that the pain is one thing, and the disenchantment it brings is another.I've noticed before that life seems dull and dull.Now, I have finally discovered that the days without any desire are ten times more annoying than boring. One day, I brought back a girl with no beauty from the disco. I didn't find out her name before going to bed. We were both half drunk at the time. As soon as I entered the door, I picked her up and threw her on the bed. She rolled over. He turned to me and said seriously, "If I resist, will you rape me?" I said, "I'm too lazy to rape you if you resist."

In my state of mind at the time, I am afraid that is actually the case. 237 In the past, I always had an illusion. Personally, I always felt that there was an invisible and unspoken secret contract between me and Alai: that is, all disputes are temporary, and we will always come together in the end.Alai's marriage touched me, and only then did I realize how unreliable the so-called human feelings are, and how ridiculous personal will is. As a result, all the rights and wrongs in my heart about this world were shaken, and my self-confidence was also greatly hit. As a result, I couldn't help but give up on myself. When I smoked marijuana or read a book, I felt how irrational the behaviors of so-called human beings are, and their desires How erratic it is, how groundless its reason for existence is, and how illusory its existence is.

238 One day at the end of March, after I woke up, I looked in the mirror and found that I really hated myself.So I shaved my beard, took a shower, went to the hair salon to get my hair cut, and when I got home, I threw the curtains, pillowcases, quilt covers, and piles of dirty clothes into the washing machine, and threw the dirty glass on the table.Teacups, teapots, etc. were put into the sink, and an unfinished piece of marijuana in the drawer was thrown into the trash can. Put away a few bottles of undrinked wine, throw away the half-drinked ones, wash the clothes, buy a new carpet at the store, clean the glass, tidy up the messy books, tapes, and CDs, and put them in order. I even unscrewed the light bulb, cleaned it and screwed it back on again, and opened the window to ventilate. I went to the Daoxiang Village grocery store downstairs to buy everything that should be in the refrigerator, and made a delicious meal by myself. So I declared in my heart that I wanted to be a new person, and the curtains, sheets, and pillowcases were dried and returned to their original places, so the room was completely new, and I read an English novel at night and wrote down several pages of words.In the middle of the night, I fell asleep peacefully.The next morning, I was woken up by the alarm clock at 6 o'clock in the morning. I put on my sportswear and went for a run. Two weeks later, when I looked in the mirror again, I saw a healthy appearance.

239 Saying that my health is only on the surface, deep down, since Alai got married, I felt that something was completely lost. This does not refer to Alai, but something about myself. This kind of thing says It is not clear and cannot be expressed, but it has clearly existed in me, but now there is no trace. Maybe, it can be vaguely called belief, I don’t know. 240 One night half a year later, as expected, I received another call from Alai. At this time, I found another job, selling imported sports equipment in an agency company. The business was very smooth. When I answered the phone, I was talking to a The car dealer who dumped the second-hand car was bargaining. When Alai called, he quickly closed the deal without asking why. The car dealer threw the car keys on my table and left. Before leaving, he said that he could let me try driving for a day. It happened, I could use it to pick up Alai. I continued to talk to Alai. It turned out that she was in Shenyang, and the gold card was selling very well. She was planning to go back to Beijing for a week's vacation, so I called in advance.I asked her if her married life was going well, and she said bluntly—not so much.

On the phone, she told me the flight schedule and made an appointment to meet at the Capital Airport.