0 At 11:48 p.m. on April 8, 1995, Alai and I broke up in front of the staff dormitory of China World Trade Center, ending our 8-year love life, and have never seen each other since. 1 This incident is easy to say, but in fact, it touched me a lot.From that day on, I began to think about commonplace questions such as the meaning of life, thinking about my own life, thinking about the people around me, thinking about the past, thinking about our time.For a long time afterwards, I lived in a state of memory and thinking. This kind of life sometimes made me feel bad and extremely boring, and sometimes made me excited and inexplicable, like crazy.

2 When it comes to thinking, in the words of my friend Lu Ran, it is called "thinking with other people's minds", that is, to find some books to read, and the people who write the books are smarter than me, and they often have different opinions on the problems in life. Unconventional opinions, some opinions, I agree with, so some of their great opinions end up being my thoughts, that's all. As for the function of this kind of thinking, I think it is very appropriate to use the words "toil without effort" to describe it, because--it is indeed toil without result, and I have learned from life that whenever I think about something I have an explanation for the sense of futility, whatever the result, when the so-called "serious problems" are considered, and, as it turns out, all my efforts were in vain. , that is, life itself is a process of toil and futility, so it is not surprising that everything in life seems to be toil and futility.

3 That night, after leaving Alai, I returned home from Guomao, found a cup on the tea table, went to the kitchen to pour out the leftover tea in it, turned on the faucet, took a cup of tap water, drank it in a few sips, and put the cup into the cup. He threw it in the sink, walked to the bed, kicked off his shoes, fell on the bed, pulled the blanket to his chest, glanced out the dark window, and fell asleep all at once. Then I dreamed of Alai, and I dreamed of Alai's face, and I dreamed of Alai's long hair, and I dreamed of Alai in jeans and a T-shirt. I also dreamed that Alai and I looked at each other with a confused expression on our faces.

4 I don't like being noticed when I'm sad, no matter what time it is, and there's really no particular reason for it, it's just that I don't like it. I know it's all a passing moment. I like Alai very much, and Alai always said that to me, don't tell anyone you have a bad day, don't tell anyone anything, because it won't help. I believe everything Alli says. 5 No matter from what point of view, Alai is different from other girls. I mean, from meeting Alai in 1987 to breaking up in 1995, there are 8 years in between. In 8 years, Alai's casual, Alai's The eloquence of his tongue, Alai's joviality, and even above all Alai's sincerity all played a vital role in my life.

Many friends asked me the reason why Alai and I broke up. I tried my best to avoid answering and deal with it. In fact, I often think about this question. What is frustrating is that even I can hardly explain the answer . 6 For example: A question that I still can't figure out is-whether Alai left because he was disappointed with himself, because he was disappointed with me, or simply because he was disappointed with everything we both had in common, that is to say, with life ? Alai never sums up her life and rarely complains, like any normal girl, she just lives by her intuition, she is happy when she comes across what she likes, and avoids what she doesn't like, but, her intuition is in our relationship What role does it play?I've never been able to know this.

7 When Alai finally left me, my life took a leap, I mean a big step for the worse, in a very short period of time.I couldn't really trust anything or anyone, not even myself, I was no longer positive, naive, happy, and looked on the world with suspicion, and I couldn't bring myself to do it again. Face everything with sincerity, I can't fall in love again, I can't get pain again, I can't let myself face life with a positive attitude, I often think, I am finished, or is the world finished?In fact, neither I nor the world is finished, but the unrealistic fantasy held in my heart is finished.

But, sure enough, I was screwed, and along with the disillusionment came all sorts of nasty symptoms, like my diminished curiosity about things and my impatience with relationships, Gradually, my attitude towards life fell into a light and ambiguous state, both insensitive and at a loss. Since the things that made me believe in this world disappeared, my pursuit in this world stopped accordingly. The so-called reality of the world The face appeared in front of my eyes, but for this real thing, I was very unwilling to accept it, very unwilling to understand it, and at the same time, I was very disinterested in it. To me, they were too confusing, too disorganized, and Difficult to grasp, of all value.Metaphysical things such as meaning can be summed up in three words in my eyes-nonsense.In short, I became a Schopenhauer, down to nothing.It made my life unnatural and unhappy.In other words, I completely lost confidence in the rest of my endless life. I lived in a daze every day, and was out of breath by boredom. It can be said that I was suffering.

8 In any case, at first, Alyso and I didn't know each other, then we got to know each other, then we got mixed up, and finally, we separated.This matter is very simple to say, but it is a matter that makes me feel strange. If I make it clear, there is only one way, which is to start from the beginning. The advantage of starting from the beginning is that everything that is not related Things were originally complicated, but after going through the running account, things seemed to have cause and effect, and it seemed logical.The disadvantage is obvious, and that is long-winded. I choose to talk.

9 Let me start with myself. I can’t remember what it was like when I was wearing crotch pants. I have no patience to talk about it all the way from elementary school to junior high school to high school. If I have to talk about it, I might as well just call my mother. Let me tell you, I learned to walk upright when I was one year old, I didn’t wet the bed when I was two years old, I learned to write a few Chinese characters when I was three years old, I got otitis media when I was four years old, and when I got chickenpox when I was five years old, I suddenly became squinted It took a lot of effort to be corrected, but the six-year-old and a stutterer couldn't correct it, and often rolled their eyes in a hurry when speaking.Seven years old... Alas, I can't say enough, let's start with the university, the university, that was in 1987.

10 The 1987 college entrance examination was extremely difficult because of the large number of students. In some schools, there were as many as eight classes of fresh graduates. It is not difficult for you to imagine how enthusiastic our parents were to call hooligans 19 years ago. In 1987, I was admitted to university together with old X Zhanwei, Xiang Xiaopiao, Hua Yang and many others. It was that year that I broke up with Xiang Xiaopiao and fell in love with Alai. It's really interesting to think about it. 11 The first morning after I broke up with Alai, I didn't wake up as usual. I was exhausted from a night of dreams. After getting up at noon, my mind was still groggy. I put on my slippers, went to the bathroom, and finished urinating , washed his face, brushed his teeth, shaved his beard, combed his hair, then wandered to the kitchen, took out a bottle of cold milk from the refrigerator and drank it all in one go, then returned to the room, sat on the sofa, and looked at the wall daze.

Suddenly, I realized that Alai would never be here again, and the thought bored me. After a while, the boredom disappeared, and in its place was an unexpected sadness, which hit me in an instant. , I don't know what to do, who to call, I just feel sharp waves of sadness across my heart.I was so sad that even the big things that happened at that moment couldn't wring me out of it. This sadness may be my premonition, my premonition is generally seldom wrong, and what is more annoying is that my premonition is often very sensitive to bad things.The thing is, I was sitting on the couch that day and had a premonition that I was going to be unhappy, because of Alai, because of everything that was happening around me, because, I felt that I was no longer young. However, when I was in college, I was still so young. When I reported for duty, I wore a pair of jeans, tied a T-shirt into my trousers with a leather belt, and wore basketball shoes. I walked ten times faster than now. That was at 87 year. 12 Until 1987, I was a normal child. I was born in 1968. I went to primary school in the winter of 1976. Due to the reform of the primary school system, I went to school for half a year. After that, the school changed to enter in autumn. I went to junior high school in 1981 and high school in 1984. I went to university in 1987 and was admitted to the United Nations University. I studied computer software. It was autumn, that is, in that autumn. It took me four years to read this book on and off. In 1987, I was also full of dreams, but only for beautiful girls. 13 One thing worth mentioning is that by 87 I had learned that learning, exercising, and torturing were the same thing.In short, it is to make you suffer. 14 The first thing I want to declare is that I have a bad impression of universities. Many people say that is my prejudice. Their general concept of universities is-universities, the last age of innocence. For me, the long ten years between university and kindergarten are connected together. The so-called my study time, I regard them as a series of silly and dishonorable records. Let me talk about the university as I understand it. If anyone has a different opinion, I will tell him, fuck you-- 15 You know, it is never easy to teach people to learn well, not only is it not easy, it is almost impossible. When I say this, some people must be deeply touched. You can say anything about the school, but you can't say that it is a place that teaches people to learn well. The obvious example is the university. As far as I know, before the winter vacation of the second year of the university, even the ugliest girl in our class has a chance to get pregnant. up.