Chapter 16 "Lamp of the Earth" Practice the ideal beauty

Practice the ideal beauty (1) Chapter Four Perhaps it is getting late, and I know that in the busy world, it is becoming more and more impossible to fully realize the beauty of the ideal, and what I see is mostly fragments that cannot be pieced together.If you want to complain bitterly and resent the world for not providing it, you will turn against yourself in vain.Think about it, but have a casual mood, wherever you go, where to enjoy.Don't ask where it came from, don't be greedy for more, and don't think about whether the first meeting is the last time to say goodbye. ——Jian Zhen's "Falling Sunflowers"

1 Xin He.Sometimes I tried to think about what kind of feelings Huai had for me.How could she live with me so willingly.This kind of responsibility is not for a day or two, nor is it light.After all, the friendship is very deep.It's just that she didn't tell me because of various reasons.I also don't want me to tell her.We actually went back to being like relatives, because the feelings between each other are so deep that we can't let go, and we often avoid and perfunctory each other, and even hurt each other because of it. Xin He.When I first saw you, I seemed to see her.You are all such beautiful women, and you can feel the clarity of kindness at a glance.I feel that if I want to be with you sincerely, I should let you know about my past.So I say this to you, in the hope that you will not find me a dull man who is eager to report his past and to imitate it.You know that's not my original intention.

Because my mother and I were afraid of the cruelty and straightforwardness of language, we hurt each other in the process of cutting off communication.I don't want to have such regrets again, so I choose to tell you all this. Jian Sheng said these words to her when he was still in college.At that time, he became more beautiful, with a clean face and a tall and well-proportioned figure.From time to time, a deep smile appeared in the indifferent expression.A kind of handsomeness permeated in his temperament.Attracted the love of countless girls. At that time, he had no feelings for these girls, but he didn't know how to refuse them, so he was always surrounded by the opposite sex.He was with them, gathering and scattered, not deeply, at least not on his own side.When breaking up, even if the girl is sad for a while, most of them will have another boyfriend soon, and each of them will not affect each other.It's always like that when you're young.Some of the girls who were with him during that time are still reluctant to part with him after many years.They have always paid attention to his whereabouts, so that Jian Sheng would occasionally receive letters from them, claiming to miss him very much, asking if his life is okay, and secretly there is ambiguous love between the lines.Most of the letters like that only left a generic nickname, but when he faced that nickname, he couldn't remember who it was.

It's that light. These girls who fell in love with him and then disappeared quickly, bloomed bright smiles in his life, like flowers, with the freshness of dew that has not receded, spreading all the way.He knew he wasn't stopping for it.And the reason why he repeatedly forced himself to be with them and to love was because he discovered with horror that after leaving Huai, he seemed to have become disabled in heart and emotion, and he had become unable to fall in love with her again. anyone. When he was growing up, he was always a person who was alienated from school life, and he only had Huai emotionally, so it seemed that he never had the simple love and entertainment among his peers.This time at university, life is naturally boring.There is nothing that can be used for a change other than falling in love.

Because of his inner solidity, he has always felt stable.Painting is still the top priority, and I like it from the bottom of my heart.In the studio for evening self-study, the light from the fluorescent lamp was completely white.He is one of the few people who insist on painting every day after school. Occasionally touching the sketchbook of his youth, the portraits with immature lines, those vague sentences, and those distant dates will suddenly sink him. However, all this has passed. At that time he learned that Huai was married.In a way he was overwhelmed with grief.Heartbroken.After all, Huai's role in his mind included lover.

After all, he hasn't grown up yet.In the face of Huai's complete departure, he still couldn't calmly say "get together, let's go" to relieve himself.For such a profound past, he is not yet mature enough to really lift the weight.Therefore, he was afraid of his inner emotional disability, and began to blindly force himself to love. When I was twenty, I had sex with a girl for the first time.That girl was perhaps the only one among those girlfriends that Jian Sheng had a deep impression on.She is a girl who loves herself deeply, but apart from that, Jian Sheng knows almost nothing about her.She dated Jian Sheng, and Jian Sheng did not refuse.Because the girl loves him so much, shortly after they started, she was eager to use her body and promise to keep this moment of love.

The first time, the girl was very proactive.It was actually the first time for her, but she had a kind of desperate passion, eager to give herself to him, as if she could keep something in this way. The girl took off Jian Sheng's shirt, but saw the shocking scar on Jian Sheng's chest.Her distress is sincere, but still has elements of curiosity.She reached out and touched him gently, and asked him, what's going on? People will be proud of having the important secrets in their lover's heart alone, and often pitifully use it as a token of affection. The girl asked him twice what was going on, but he just shook his head and remained silent.Because he was not sincere with them, he kept silent all the time.

Jian Sheng bent down and kissed the girl's face.He habitually buried his head on the woman's neck, but he no longer had the familiar taste in his memory.His heart is hopeless and sad.So close your eyes and let the strong and vague desire cover yourself, your mind will gradually become blank, and you will no longer think about anything.I no longer see unfamiliar faces and bodies below me. He had the first time with her, and soon had the second time, and the third time... For a period of time after their first night, he made love to her again and again.However, whenever he has a request, the girl silently caters.He knew such cruelty and injustice, but he couldn't restrain himself from finding a more suitable exit.

He began to take the initiative to date her symbolically, and after the date, he couldn't wait to get straight to the point.Many young men who are not yet tired of lust will have such endless demands.Jian Sheng is not totally indulging in sex in bed, but because of the confusion in his heart, he was unable to extricate himself after leaving Huai, so he couldn't wait to seek relief.And this girl who loved him so much unfortunately became the object at the right time. The two of them went for a walk in Taoranting that day.Beijing gardens in winter are always depressed.Withered branches and leaves, the grass is luxuriant.The pavilions stand alone, with a choked feeling of vicissitudes.Walking slowly in the garden, they stopped in front of the famous tombs of Shi Pingmei and Gao Junyu.Among the withered grass, the tombstone stands there silently, witnessing a period of love in the revolutionary period.The stories buried under the tombstones have become more magical and immortal due to the spread of people, and they are soul-stirring.In that era, even love was swayed by politics.The sad red lover lies here silently, the anguish and regret in his heart, how is it different from the loving family members of the world through the ages.

The girl stood still and asked him sadly and sadly, Jian Sheng, do you think we will be together like this? Jian Sheng said nothing. Practice the ideal beauty (2) Because he doesn't love, he only feels sad and even ridiculous about the girl's wishful thinking.There was once such a cruel famous saying: If two people are not in love with the same true feelings, then one of them will definitely have contempt and disdain for the other's madness. That night they took a small hotel room and made love in a strange and cramped bed.Can't remember how many times this is.Repeating the same tricks, dripping with sweat, shaking violently, and numb in the mind.The girl burst into tears under his body, but said nothing.

He accidentally touched the tears on the girl's face.Why are you crying, he asked.He suddenly felt disappointed and irritable.He stopped moving and turned over, only feeling tired all over, and the desolation in his heart became more and more oppressive. tell me why you cry. The girl remained silent.She turned her back to Jian Sheng. Jian Sheng sighed from the bottom of his heart.The blankness after lust is more unbearable than the blankness before.His mind was gradually filled with chaotic thoughts, almost overflowing, drowning himself until he suffocated. When I was a teenager, I once witnessed my mother having sex with other men.At that time, I despised and resisted sanctimoniously, and felt dirty and indecent.Now at the end of the day, he's not messing around like this, no different from a dog in heat. Not only that, he felt that he would no longer have the face to face Huai.Moreover, it is not only shameless to face, it is almost shameless. Thinking of this, Jian Sheng couldn't help feeling uncomfortable and turned around angrily.The two turned their backs to each other, and neither of them spoke.But he soon fell asleep.But the girl stayed up all night. He didn't know how long he had slept, but he felt tears on his face slightly.The girl's lips kissed her forehead.He woke up suddenly, but still didn't open his eyes, and stood there stiffly. Just like this, in the darkness and silence, the girl's tears fell on Jian Sheng's face in big drops.She kissed his forehead very lightly.Then a heartrending murmur crept softly through the darkness. I know you do not love me.Jian Sheng.But I'm still very happy that I can get so close to you. I am pregnant.Forgive me, I have to go. It's all because I love you so much, Jian Sheng.Remember that we are each other for the first time in this life. The girl burst into tears when she said this.Tears completely wet Jian Sheng's entire face.He closed his eyes tightly, listening to her sobbing, he felt that every word hit his heart, and the knife spattered blood.But he remained silent and frozen, too scared to open his eyes.He didn't know how to open his eyes to face the girl's tears and pain.He was more afraid and ashamed of it than she was.It was like facing a sudden bad news, helpless and unable to move. The girl had already finished dressing before, left a final kiss on Jian Sheng's face, and then left silently in the dark.Everything was eerily quiet.When he tried to open his eyes slightly, he only faced an empty bed and a boundless darkness. Unbearable, Jian Sheng grabbed the quilt, covered his head and turned over to completely wrap himself up, forcing himself to clenched his fists so as not to utter a single cry.He curled up, shaking from the pain in his chest.His tears were surging, but he still clenched his fists and remained silent. However, what I didn't expect later was that the girl really left, never appeared again, and never returned to school.In that era, gossip and prejudice were still fatal to young unmarried women who gave birth first.What's more, that girl's family is traditional and well-behaved.It's hard to imagine what happened to her afterwards. Jian Sheng lost her news.He lives in anxiety, worry, remorse, and fear.He was afraid that something would happen to the girl, that she would report on him, that the other parent would find him to settle accounts, that the school would punish him, that the fetus would be born into this world, that she would never come back, and that she would come back... He even Too scared to ask the school about her whereabouts. He spent a long time in anxiety.In the end, nothing he dreaded happened.Until decades passed, he still had no news of this girl.Only the infinite silence and mighty regret remained in his memory. The girl who loved him so much disappeared suddenly and completely.Of course, it was only suddenly for him.In fact, after the girl learned that she was pregnant, she calmly and alone did everything for herself.But she didn't tell Jian Sheng anything.Her premeditated departure made her last way of loving him.Let Jian Sheng still live in peace, as if nothing really happened. After many years, Jian Sheng can still remember the girl's face, which was vivid and youthful because of her selfless love.Whenever Tao Ranting is mentioned again, and the tombstone where Gao Shijuelian is buried, he will recall this shameful past and the beautiful girl who loved him deeply. In the next two years, until Xin He's official appearance, Jian Sheng never dated any girls again.Even in the later years, he has a strong restraint and resistance to any possible lust, in order to repent of his sins and cleanse his soul.Because he is such a clean person in essence. After this experience, he became restrained in all his actions.At school, I just concentrate on painting and have nothing else to do.I have never been home since college.He seemed to feel that after returning home, he didn't know how to deal with Huai who already had a married family.Since Huai got married, he never contacted her again.During the holidays, I worked part-time in northern cities, painted for advertising companies, and taught art tutoring classes.Still busy.I usually work hard in class, and I have achieved outstanding results in professional courses.The professors have always liked him very much. It wasn't until the beginning of my junior year that I met Xin He when I was selecting and contacting students' works for holding a student art exhibition. The first time he saw Xin He, he was shocked by the clear and floating expression of Huai on her face.So similar, so beautiful.This made his irresistible face suddenly determine the direction of his feelings. During that time, the two had frequent contacts because of the school art exhibition. Xin He quickly pursued him fiercely. After thinking about it, he was convinced that he also liked her, and he couldn't resist her face that was very similar to Huai. So promised to be together. In the entire campus, they are a very well-matched couple in full view.She comes from a scholarly family.Both parents are graduates of this Academy of Fine Arts, and my father once studied in the Soviet Union and is a famous painter.Unexpectedly, he was humiliated during the eventful autumn of the Cultural Revolution, imprisoned in a farm for labor reform, and died of illness there.After the Cultural Revolution, my mother resumed teaching in this Academy of Fine Arts.His mother later married an art collector.After the remarriage, the family has been harmonious and happy.The stepfather is a refined man, caring and caring for Xin He very well.In this family with a strong artistic atmosphere, she has been fascinated by painting since she was a child, and she is also very talented. man to fall in love with 2 He is a man who can easily fall in love with.And she is the woman he thinks he likes after measuring and contacting.The two came together naturally.He still can't say that he loves her like Ai Huai—in fact, he doesn't love anyone anymore—but he still likes her.Jian Sheng doesn't like the chaos around people.This time, the relationship with Xin He was confirmed, and many girls were less needlessly entangled, but it was also quiet.Together, the two began to interact steadily with a posture of accepting the will of fate in a certain sense.The fact that he later got along with Xin He also proved that his rational judgment was impeccable. He no longer rents an apartment alone during the holidays, but lives with Xin He in another house purchased by the family at Xin He's request.During the Spring Festival that year, Xin He took him to meet his parents. I have already met with the other party's parents in a very formal, fiancé-like attitude.Because of Xin's relationship with her stepfather, her family is well off.And Jian Sheng lived with his mother when he was young, and it's not like he hasn't seen the big world.Coupled with his handsome appearance and steady conversation, he is very popular with the elders. Xin He's mother, a dignified woman, with a sincere expression on her face, deliberately found an opportunity to privately say to him, bless you all.Please cherish each other, so that we can have a stable company in our future life. He nodded sensibly, thanking his aunt for his attention.He said. Turning his head, he had doubts in his heart.Is this the arrangement of this life?He stared blankly at Xin He who was sitting in the distance talking and laughing happily with his family.There was a bright smile on her innocent face, as if she was Huai from Girls' Generation in her imagination. That night they lay on their backs together like two children.She said, Jian Sheng, are you willing to marry me?He answered her yes. She also said, Jian Sheng, for some reason, I often look at you and feel that you are far away from me.It's as if I'm facing a whole other deep world, and I'm just standing at its door.I know, I'll never get in.But I just hope that if it's some painful past, then I can take you out into a happier and simpler world where we can live together.You know, I love you so much.I don't know how long this process will be.So, Jian Sheng, I just want to know if you are sure that you want to be with me. He listened in silence.The heart was deeply touched.Underneath the innocent and bright appearance, Xin He is also such a kind woman with delicate thoughts.It was at that time that he really began to respect the kindness of women from the bottom of his heart.He knew that he was always surrounded by their kindness and love.Owing too much.He touched her hand and said, Xin He, I am sure to be with you. After hearing this, Xin He smiled meaningfully in the night.She said, I may be too stupid to ask you for a promise.Jian Sheng, no matter what the result is, you are at least willing to make a promise to me.I know you and know that this is not easy for you.I am very satisfied.Jian Sheng. He was deeply ashamed of her words.Perhaps she has already seen that this relationship is still emotionally giving and being given from the beginning.To some extent, she is still Huai. Thinking of this, he hugged Xin He over with distress.Kiss her forehead lightly.The girl fell into a deep sleep in his arms. Outside the window is the New Year's snow, which has been falling quietly all night.He still couldn't help but miss Huai deep in his heart.Miss the indigo-coloured icy lakes of my childhood between freezing and freezing weather. The Lige of these years, lingering in the fleeting scene, makes people feel sad.As if walking through the neat fence of time, the past sticks out from the gap of the fence like a thick camellia, teasing the hurried and rough footprints of the traveler. When I looked back, the back figure that I thought would leave an indelible imprint in my memory had already faded away.Accompanied by the end of youth, there is only the lone shadow on the horizon sinking into the twilight, and the sad cranes rising from nowhere.