Chapter 2 3-4

_3_ A Yao is gone.The hard facts stare at me, what does it mean to be absent?Michael Jackson said, I was born to live forever. The invincible western, moon walker, a member of the Jackson Family Choir at the age of five, mysterious and virginal, with a face carved like a wax statue, paid a price of millions of dollars.When he is rarely exposed to the media, I will stare at the screen with trepidation, afraid that those flashing spotlights and crowded and overheated room temperature will melt his face out of shape.His curly hair hanging from his nose, forehead, and cheeks made me suspect that it was to cover up the gap.My nightmare, one day he will melt away before the eyes of the whole world, just like the legendary queen of the cave.

In his hidden secret house, guards are all over the corners of the passages.Suspicion and fear of ghosts only linger in the bedroom, the monitor can see every place in the hair, the laser sound extends in all directions, and playing music is enough to drive away ghosts.He does not admit any visitors except children.Chasing water guns with friends, competing with electric toys, playing pillow fights and making fluff fly, and forming an irresistible relationship with the Kinkin kid who became famous all over the United States with a skyrocketing salary.His bodyguards, dressed as gods, guard the bedroom to prevent evil spirits from taking the soul away while he sleeps.The graphic design of his new album is a combination of Baroque and Arabian Nights, as well as huge faces of different nationalities, clearly a secret temple.In today's world, I actually saw a person so afraid of old age, death, and dying that he followed the pharaoh's way of building a pyramid. He was desperate and tragic, and it was a spectacle of this century.

Not there, Bergman said, just gone.Nothing that cannot be avoided without excuse, no more, never more.As Bunuel grows older day by day, he is not afraid of death.The only thing he doesn't understand is what the world will continue to be like when he's gone But he won't, never know, he longs to get up from his coffin every ten years and read a newspaper of the day . The two of them were old, and some died young. Not long ago I saw a new performance of Mel Gibson’s old play. Before he died, Hamlet said in the arms of his best friend, I am dead, but you are still alive, and let those who don’t know the reason for my revenge know.And he repeated again, if you really love me, in this harsh world, tell me about me.

Insignificant, magnificent obsession.How could he know that if he spread a word, it would be misunderstood as "the cat passed out on the piano", let alone a person's life.Hamlet is always annoying, but he is so obsessed with his own actions and reputation with his good words of death, which makes me very sad to understand what is called, a tiger dies to leave the skin, and a person dies to leave the name. A name, a name? A symbol of immortality.People spend a lifetime casting and polishing it, hoping that it will still shine like a diamond star that penetrates the time corridor of hundreds of millions of light-years.It is the religion of the irreligious, the heaven of the heathen.But even that, I don't hope for.Because of me and A Yao, we are doomed to be people without names and without miracles.

Life is hard, death is not easy, just like the nameless fish I raise. They were a group at first, the size of iron nails. At first glance, I thought they were big-bellied fish that were common in ditches when I was a child.The students went to the back mountain to barbecue and fished a lot in the stream with butterfly nets. On the way back, they passed by my residence and knocked on the door to drink the coffee made by Kluber. They are self-service and proficient.After drinking, this group is quite sensible and will wash the cups and plates before leaving. They gave me a plastic bag of fish without consent, and suggested giving my Jiji cat a teething ceremony. One of them really wants to take action. It was so violent, I hurriedly stopped it, so the fish stayed and belonged to me.

The life of the fish is in my hands and I have to take full responsibility, it is a torture.And I never participated in the students’ barbecue outings, because during the long waiting process, there were only three or two toiled and enthusiastically roasted before the fire. Everyone has a hot temper and keeps talking nonsense and playing verbal violence.They were full of energy, and when they found fish and crabs, they ran into the water to compete, and the beastly digging mud holes did not stop until a crab's leg was broken.If it is not enough, someone will go out on a motorcycle to find the nearest shop to buy a net and catch fish wantonly.The fire of the barbecue scarred the stones on the shore, and the smoke scorched the weeping vines under the trees.Then they left the fish and the nets at my house, and the three nets were still labeled new, together with the live fish, together with their youth, to be discarded after use.These, all make me painful.

I put the fish out of the plastic bag and put it in the washbasin. This kind of plastic bag with wide stripes of purple and gray is the ugliest of ugliness and the worst of evils. Once made, it will not be destroyed for thousands of years.I ran around where the containers might be sold, and accidentally saw a glass fish tank in a random stationery store.A row of large and small, the mouth of the tank with lotus leaves, the body of the tank is shaped like a woman's buttocks, and a ribbon bow is tied around the waist.A few of the fish died before moving into the tank, and they were scattered and thrown into the balcony flower pots to rot.With my very limited common sense, I filled a bucket of tap water to allow the chlorine to settle, lightly poured the water from the surface of the bucket into the fish tank, half of which was new water, and most of it was home water. I hope they will adapt well and think about what they should eat.

They swim separately and float separately. Looking down from the tank, the gray earthworms are flat when viewed from the side, and the flickering stripes also have the meaning of tropical fish.After spending a night and a day, I am surprised that they are still alive.Only two tails leaned forward and sank to the bottom of the tank one after another. I picked them up with chopsticks, and one was too small to be a fish shape. I also wiped it in the flowerpot soil, dust to dust.I made a special trip down the mountain to buy fish food at the waterscape store, and I bought the most common can of brick-red grit, which I said was made of shrimp powder.I will bring back a big fish tank that is as simple as a crystal ball and prepare to raise them for a long time.

I flattened a piece of shrimp sand with my fingernails, pinched it into powder and sprinkled it on the water. Unexpectedly, the fish immediately gathered to compete for food. I was so happy. This fish is very cheap, so it is easy to raise.I became a mother-of-the-earth woman, happy to watch my children and husband eat up the food I cooked and double the supply.They eat a lot, excrete a lot, and cloud the water.I was worried about excessive nitrogen, so I changed the water diligently, and still adopted the method of keeping half of the old water and changing half of the new water.The old and the new have alternated, and the fish always form a dense group and run along the tank wall. They are not used to it. It is because Han Jing’s water is so happy. Floating in the waters gives me peace of mind.I decided to restrain the amount of feeding and reduce the frequency of their commotion.A week passed, and the fish and I seemed to be figuring out a way to get along. Suddenly, a batch of them died within a day.

The first sign is the loss of center of gravity, and Miao's efforts not to tilt his body while staggering.If the angle exceeds forty-five degrees, the fish will shake itself up and rush forward, using the momentum to straighten its body, float smoothly for a moment, and then tilt again.After several ups and downs, before finally giving up, the fish swam upside down against the bottom of the tank with kisses. Finally, it let go of its mouth and floated away, like a slow-motion show, fell into a big somersault, fell on its belly to the bottom of the tank, and stopped moving. .The wrestling process of life and death tortured my mind like a stone mill.

I am afraid that the dead air will be contagious, so I have to change the water.The fish simply ran wildly around the wall, circling around, stirring up a layer of egg white mist.I speculated that the fish population density might be too high to cause death, so I put some fish into the ugly lotus leaf tank.Moving mountains and seas, like doing chemical experiments, disturbed me so much, I wish I didn't have the knowledge of fish farming to cope with it.Changing the water but not changing the water, feeding and not feeding, frustrated me all the time. Later, I stopped sprinkled shrimp powder, and the fish stopped eating. The fish died in batches, and I could no longer throw them into flower pots to avoid the fishy smell from attracting insects and flies. I saw them still glistening and rotten, and washed them coldly under the faucet.Survival after catastrophe, two tails. The big tail was found on the window sill. I don’t know how long it took. I scooped it up with a cardboard and put it back in the tank. I didn’t expect it to live.It froze in the water for a long time, then it flapped its fins, flicked its tail, and moved.I couldn't figure it out. It was really hard to believe that it had the supernatural power to jump out of the tank and escaped a plague, and then survived the drought and survived.I also pay my highest respect to the small tail, perhaps it has some kind of antibody in its genes. In short, I admire the survival of the two of them and am willing to take care of them. I helped them get golden kudzu plantings, the roots of which are scattered in the water to form a lush jungle, peach-shaped leaves gushing out of red mouths and cascading down, making them a satisfactory living environment.After a long time, a film of thin green is formed on the wall of the tank, and the roots of the qiu are covered with fluffy green. The feces of the two fishes accumulate in the bottom and become fertile, and the tank has grown into an ecology by itself. I often stare at Pisces obsessively, forgetting to eat and sleep.They come and go in and out of the jungle, twinkling like fragments of precious stones.Sometimes I become a cleaner, busy cleaning the environment all afternoon, push and push the deposits with kisses, make a place together, use kisses to peck kudzu beards to make them stand out, and polish the tank wall up and down with kisses .Occasionally, they confront each other on one side, with great tension in their inner strength like masters of swordsmanship. In an instant, they explode, and they rush past. I don’t know what the two have received, and they have taken their positions again. Laugh out loud and shake the water waves to disrupt the magnetic fields, or they'll be obsessed and won't stop.When they folded their fins and floated there, they seemed to be in meditation and refused to be disturbed.But as soon as I sprinkle the powder, the pig and sheep will change color and show a ferocious face. Let's see, after the big tail took advantage of it, it turned around and attacked the small tail and drove it to the bottom of the tank, and then quickly lifted into the air, sweeping away the powder on the water surface with its kiss.It was too domineering, so I stepped in several times to distribute it fairly.But I heard that a Japanese emperor fed carps, or swans?It is also the strongest one that bears the most weight and eats the most. When the master attendants are upset, the emperor is not tired of that one. He Yuebushi is like the sun that shines on good people and bad people.The emperor was taught since he was a child that he has nothing to hate and fear. He doesn't know any horrors and dangers in the world. If he meets a cobra, he will give him respect.The realm of the emperor is beyond the reach of me, an ordinary person. I intentionally let the larvae grow in a clay basin on the balcony, and pour a few of them into the tank every day.The mole-red larvae crawled up and down in the water very quickly, and the two fish rushed to catch and kill like outstanding outfielders. It was so delicious.I know that I spoil them too much, but I can't help it.In early summer, when the season is rich, the first scoop is full of larvae, and the two fish have obviously grown up. The colorful spots show that they are healthy.I really want to know if they are a male and a female, and I would be happier if they are. In this way, one day I suddenly noticed that the one with the big tail was tilting its body and paddling, and my soul flew away.The little-tailed one poked it with a kiss, and it would swim forward a couple of times, like a drunkard cheering himself up and saying with a smile that he was not drunk, not drunk.Is Little Tail attacking it?Encourage it?Two steps closer, one step farther, poke a bite, and run away.I was at a loss what to do, and saw it overturned, revealing its fat white belly, gradually becoming a different kind.The little-tailed one was attacking it, and after poking it for a while, it realized that it was not a threat, so it swam away without even looking at it. It's the only reason why it's overwhelmed.I give too many larvae, and it has to monopolize it according to the rules, and it is too late to release what it eats, and it feeds itself to death.This is completely man-made, and I regret it too much. Only one tail remained, and it froze to death when the severe cold snap came in February of the following year.During this time, every time I looked at it, it was such a lonely fish. I sighed like Jehovah God, "It is not good for that man to live alone. I will make him a spouse to help him." I also seriously considered whether to go to the back mountain. The river catches a tail of the same kind to accompany it. The spherical glass tank contains the entire skylight and cloud shadow outside the window, and the proportion of fish and tank is like a planet in the solar system.Because the fish has no object to play and compete with, although this object often bullies it, its swimming posture in the water changes.It is like a successfully launched artificial satellite, with no gravity and no will, but it can operate freely after being placed in orbit.It will run forever and unless I break the tank it won't die.The way it floats there, without anger or joy, resentment or love, is Nirvana.But is such an undead fish too boring?From time to time, I blow air on the mouth of the tank, creating a lot of ripples, which can even affect the lower layer, and make the fish panic for a while, that's okay. A fish in a tank has become my sight every time I stop writing and think.The fish appear and enter the mirror in the arc frame that I can see, changing due to the angle of refraction.It appears like a comet winding its way out of the camera with its brilliant tail, and then appears as the halo in Monet's sunrise impression.Then it disappeared, leaving behind a long empty mirror, which was longer than my waiting limit, which made me suddenly feel ominous, and hurriedly climbed out of the seat, rushed to the front of the tank to look for it, nervously afraid that it would jump out of the red and fall somewhere Suddenly, I broke out in a cold sweat, but I saw that it stopped on the water in good condition, blending with the surface tension of the firefly gray and making it difficult to recognize.It will still clean the environment as before, and push the dirt to the bottom of the tank with kisses. I feel sorry for it, like the lonely Chang'e holding a broom in Guanghan Palace. I think of course it will live on forever and die with me.It has formed part of my life, over time, after each other.So that day when I found out that it was dead, I was astonished and couldn't believe it.I just read in the newspaper that southern milkfish froze to death in large numbers, but I didn't think of the fish in my warm house.Farewell, just like this, at the moment when I was most at ease, I made a surprise visit.Flesh, fragile and vulnerable. I buried it in a pot in a pit I dug out with my fingers and covered it with leaves to commemorate our year of intimacy together. I kept the tank and continued to grow the golden kudzu. I deeply lamented the stubborn phototropism of the plant. Every few days, I had to turn the tank to make the green faces of the kudzu leaves face me.Health is also so strong. I've seen Death of an Elephant captured on BBC.The elephant was paralyzed like a collapsed city tower, and the elephant's companions formed a circle to arch it, using their huge nose and forehead as piers, struggling to support it.Several times, several times, it was almost successful, and the elephant collapsed again.After trying all their strength, the group of elephants suddenly dispersed and let out a high-pitched whine. In the commotion between the two, one elephant finally put up its towering forelimbs and rode on the back of the other elephant. Sexual thrills arouse the lust of life in companions?The moribund elephant lay on the ground, its eyes flat and flat, the undergrowth of the earth being trampled and cracked by its desperate kin. I have also seen the starving man's last gaze on the world.She lay exhausted in the field, her thick black eyes were wide open, and at this moment, she saw the grass on the ground, swaying away, like spring water rising towards the sky, and the chrysalis flew up, so gentle and cool evening wind covered her off.The thunder in the distance, the death photographed by Sayaji Lei.A small green village in northern India, because the Japanese army captured Burma and blocked the import of rice grains. There was water and grass, but the people were poor and silent like cypresses. The death of India.The woman said that you should be happy in life, because you will be dead for a long time when you die. And Faust said, nothing has been proven, and nothing can be proved. Every theory I teach always turns out to be a new error. There is only one thing that is certain. We are here to go through it. All is exactly what happened to us. When I was walking wildly in the typhoon and rain, A Yao was gone. I saw the road sign clearly stated, Qingyanyuan, I went straight on purpose, thinking it was a Buddhist temple or a shrine.Before I had any psychological preparation, a large area of ​​tombstones suddenly appeared in the gate, which really shocked me, and stopped my love of rain and tears.This time, I saw the scenery, myself in the object.I'm drenched to the bone with water in my bones, and it's so stupid to hold an umbrella like a ceremonial ritual. But this time, I am consciously willing to be stupid.I began to inspect the tombstones one by one, carefully reading the inscriptions on them.Sensen felt hairy because he was sober.I looked up and looked around, there were bridges and main roads, and apartment houses here. Yes, I am living in a modern society.The modern society that I have repeatedly cursed is so kind and lovely at this moment.So I calmly read the stele, I am alone in the precarious huge cemetery.I had to use this kind of almost masochistic tomb tour to smooth out the initial sharp pain. A Yao is dead, which means that a large part of my life that overlaps with him is gone.No one knows the meaning of the shared memory, which is regarded as annihilation.I must be exposed to the rain, the cold, and a serious illness, in order to endure far too heavy mourning. The records on the stele are all old people who died well. After all, A Yao is too young, so there is no place for him here.In the foreseeable future, the world will die batch after batch of men, women, and even children younger than Ah Yao.On December 1st last year, during the commemoration meeting, a bird's-eye view camera captured many little ant men in the square carrying a magnificent banner.The wonderful collage-like cloth-like curtain is sewn from the clothes and blankets donated by the family members of the AIDS victims. The rapid expansion of its area is astonishing to the world.A Yao, will find his suitable position, on the beautiful and wavering commemorative banner, the general, A Yao. I left Qingyanyuan and returned to the city.A McDonald's in front of the urine, a big gold letter M, and urban monsters squatting in the air.I was one of the members who refused to eat McDonald's, but now I ran up to hug it like a reunited relative. This is the first time in my life to eat McDonald's.I suddenly realized that there were few people in the typhoon, and they all gathered in this fast food restaurant that was as spacious as a greenhouse. I drink crappy coffee and use its heat to warm my body.I wanted to take off my socks to dry, and I was startled when I saw the ghost blue two feet.The socks I bought at Seiyu when I went out to eat at the hospital yesterday, Muji products, have faded into this kind of virtue when exposed to water, and I have to write a letter to protest.I stood by the window and watched the typhoon raging in the distance, and the city and the street were beaten to the ground by it, but I was safely cooped up in the closed room, a part of the crowd full of body odor, without being beaten or reprimanded, I was alive.I am like a primitive man. After escaping another lightning strike, I am still alive and well in the cave. I am so lucky.I'm so glad I'm actually, actually, not HIV-positive.In New York City alone, nearly 300,000 to 400,000 people have been visited by HIV.A Yao is dead, but I am still alive. Not long ago, it was widely circulated in Japan that KYON had AIDS. KYON, Koizumi Kyoko, the first generation of advertising queen, she is always smiling and charming on the screen, invincible throughout the country.She didn't do anything wrong and never made any noise. No matter how powerful the news or weekly reporters were, they couldn't catch her.No one can pull down this uncrowned queen who has penetrated into the hearts of the Japanese people, except AIDS.Horrible rumors, lethal force, the black knight of the last century. I saw Kyoko Koizumi’s advertisement for Kirin Beer at the Barcelona Olympic Stadium. The copy said, “The person who will give me memories of Barcelona is sweating somewhere in Japan right now.” Kirin LAGER." I also met the golden mother-in-law and silver mother-in-law craze.The 100-year-old twins currently living in Nagoya City, Narita Jin and Kanie Yin, are 200 years old together.Jin has lost all his teeth, and Wu Nong speaks softly, while Yin still has thin front teeth, and talks about the world.After they were discovered on Respect for the Aged Day, they became the darlings of the media overnight.They shot an advertisement, full of simplicity.Kim said, I was never sick. Silver said, I have always been very healthy. I love sashimi with red meat. I like white meat. I usually do my own laundry. I, too, have been working as a housewife. The male narrator said that these two old women, who are both 100 years old, are still housewives, and the combination of their names is gold and silver, which symbolize auspiciousness.The Lion Company also happens to be 100 years old this year. It was founded in the 24th year of the Meiji era. At that time, people wearing samurai buns could be seen everywhere.The kitchen washing, bathroom and toilet products produced by Lion King have accompanied the Japanese for a hundred years, and will continue to play the role of a good partner in your daily life in the future. Jin said, I still have many interesting things to do in the future. Silver said, me too, I think life will last forever. And in another DUSKIN advertisement, Grandma Jin’s lament in answering the reporter’s 100-year-old was used as a line, which immediately became the buzzword of the year.Grandma Jin said, it feels like joy and sadness. Mixed with sorrow and joy, Master Hongyi's last ink. I'm alive.It seemed that I had to do something for my dead kind.But in fact, I can't do anything for anyone, I do it for myself, I have to write. Use writing to resist forgetting. Time wears everything down and erodes away.Thinking that my grief for A Yao will also fade away with time, and eventually I will forget it, it is simply unbearable for me.If I can, I really want to condense the mourning at this time into an extremely hard crystal, and wear it with me.I had no choice but to write. In the endless writing, I repeatedly engraved deep wounds, whipped the marks of sin, locked the memory with pain, and never let it slip away. I write, therefore I am.Until the moment when I can no longer write, I throw away the pen and pull it down, because I will no longer have feelings, consciousness and body. that is it. _4_ The greatest archetype of my kind, Jesus Christ and his twelve disciples. Christ had no choice but to bear the cross of human sacrifice, and his betrayer branded his body with a kiss.He is always thoughtful, a beautiful image of frowning.His naked body and the punishment of thorns have become aesthetics. At our best, we can only emulate him. Of course, I will not participate in A Yao's gay movement.A Yao just didn't say that the revolution has not yet succeeded, and comrades still have to work hard. The so-called comrade, queer.A new breed of homosexuality, pride breaking with the old times.There is no continuity between pre-AIDS and post-AIDS. The difference in temperament is to establish a new country and a new name.So let's make it clear first, it's not gay, it's queer.A Yao said, que er, how about it, I am the word, we are different from you, why bother talking about differences! A Yao insisted, gay, white, male, homosexual, this is politically incorrect. Queer does not, regardless of whether it is male, female, yellow, white, black, bisexual or transgender, the whole family is inclusive, and queer is called it. Yes I agree, the use of language itself is part of the message, and I am 100% with my beloved Levi Strauss. For example, the recent event is of course about the 500th anniversary of Columbus's discovery of the New World, no, no, no, it's not a discovery, it's an encounter.The former refers to a Eurocentric view of the earth and derogates the American Indians as the frontier.With the new multi-focus perspective, the political correctness should be that the American continent meets Columbus.I condemn myself for being a yellow race and being brainwashed by white Europeans. I have grown up into the language I use after going through the era of geography and history when I was a child full of words from the Far East and Near East.It's hard to learn from Ah Yao's positive attitude. My situation is nothing more than the same. When my teeth and bones are hardened in old age, the doctor's special orthodontic equipment came to me with a smile. I was so embarrassed that I ran away. In the early years when Ah Yao was a happy gay, I was trapped in the labyrinth of identity that I am or I am not.Later I admitted that even the fierce desires that had occupied my body in recent years finally felt that this was a dilapidated old house and wanted to evacuate, so I dared to say that I could accept the second half of my life without a partner. Gay fate, I said, I'm fine and happy. A Yao looked at me with insulting eyes, oh you are very happy and you are fine too?His silent smile always irritates me effectively.He's dropped the word gay like a shoestring, and I'm still dainty and stupid looking in this outdated top hat. He said, fuck the gentle.His increasingly aggressive stance in his later years and his violent behavior toward his mother reached the point of provocation and attack.I really can't bear to see him blew himself up on the front line like this. Once a thousand arrows go through his heart, I firmly refuse to accept his kind of corpse. Before he died, Washington AIDS was buried in 1987.In 1988, Manchester terminated Article 28.In 1989, Denmark allowed homosexuals to legally marry, except that they could not adopt.In 1990, kissing in, you can kiss in public.In 1991, OutedCampaign3, stand out campaign.Silence equals death, ignorance equals fear, and medical care is a right.Countering the AZT pharmaceutical factory, Wei Kan succumbed to the 20% price reduction of expensive AZT.This year, Hong Kong, which abides by the laws of Great Britain, has also lifted the prohibition of anal sex. Ah Yao saw it in time, and it was a great victory. In his later years, I realized all kinds of things in his later years. It was a premonition that even he didn't know that his days were numbered, and he was also in a mess.If I had understood earlier, I would not have continued to argue and get angry with him.Omg we were arguing on an international phone call from New York to Taipei, I don't remember exactly what we were arguing about, what a pointless content and it ended in rancor.He asked me if I had read the books he sent me, I said no, he said why not, I said I didn't want to.His side is in the afternoon and broad daylight, my side is at two o'clock in the morning, and we don't talk for a hundred thousand miles between night and day, letting the beeping sound of minute-by-second billing fall.I couldn't get over him, and I said, well, this is a long distance call, it's ok.He hangs up the phone without answering. The conflict has no reconciliation, which tortured me all night. Later I realized that he never called me because of anything, he just wanted to hear my voice and words.This voice is connected to his past, like a rope thrown out in time to prevent him from falling endlessly into the abyss.This meaningful conversation made him feel that he was still a human being, not a beast.His huddled figure clinging to the receiver in a certain street on a certain street in a foreign land is like the miserable Fly Man in The Fly Man who finally finds his girlfriend and begs her to help him turn back into a human. This figure often surfaced in my mind in the future.What I remember is that I received a call from him on the second Sunday afternoon. I used to ask first, what time is your place? He said, don't know. I looked out the window and saw a majestic centipede kite swinging in the yellow autumn sky. It was past four o'clock on the Cuckoo bird wall clock.He said, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.what are you doing? I said, it's okay, read a book, what about you, what are you doing? He said, what would I do, what do you think I would do. I said, ah yeah, take care of your body, you are so old. He said, what book are you reading? Melancholic tropics. have not seen. I know he hasn't read it, and maybe he won't read it after he's thirty.I vaguely reported the author's name, and felt very guilty. This is my new love and he has no share.Even in the movie, he only saw Wenders who was still alive among the three German heroes.The old and the new know, I always look at the part that we grow up to make a living with little overlap, and I can't bear to be offended. Sure enough, he said that he hadn't heard of it. engaged in structural anthropology.I am sorry to introduce, as if Levi Strauss was my lover. Whoever he is, he said, read a passage to me. what!I was tongue-tied for a long time, where do I start? He said, just recite the place you see now, let me listen to the recitation. As if called, I hurriedly brought the book and briefly introduced Li and the chapter I was reading. Inviting the Cardovio tribe in the Brazilian jungle, their decline made them even more strongly want to preserve the past. Certain qualities are most clearly present in tattoo art.They believe that to be a man, the body must be painted, and if the body is left in its natural state, it is no different from a wild animal.These Indian men are indifferent to their hunting and fishing families, and spend their days teaching people to paint on them.The pattern makes people have human dignity, witnessing the leap from nature to culture, from savage beasts to civilized human beings.Moreover, patterns differ in style and design according to class, so they also contain sociological functions.As for the characteristics of Cardo Weiou art, it is divided into male and female.Men are sculptors, women are painters.I suppressed my enthusiasm and told A Yao about my new love, and it came to an end. A Yao said, very good, I agree, continue. Tristes ropiques, I read the French title softly, and then began to caress the following passage like a lover whispering.I read, two hundred and fifty-five pages, the pictorial art of the Cardovean women, its ultimate meaning, its mysterious appeal, and its seemingly unnecessary complexity, all to explain a social dream.A society longs to find a symbol to express an institution which it may or may have, but which is prevented by interests and superstitions.Today, beauties paint the collective fantasy of society through the make-up of their bodies.Their tattoos are hieroglyphs depicting an unattainable golden age.They used makeup to celebrate that golden age.Because they have no other symbol system to express, the secret of that golden age is revealed when they are naked. Before I finished reading, the phone was disconnected.I kept waiting for him to call again, nothing. The hoarseness and turbulence in his voice can't escape my eyes and ears even if they are separated by hundreds of thousands of miles.Must be the weekend's bar chase, followed by a breezy session with a dozen people in the steam room.The organs are still swollen, the fire of desire is rekindled, never satiated, but ends with exhaustion.I'm too much, the crazy ritual of spitting, spitting, and sucking in the palm of my hand is irresistible, like Hong Lingyan putting on magic shoes and dancing non-stop until exhausted, still can't stop, Until death. The various body fluids that were sucked in turn mixed together, smeared all over the body and then smeared himself, and cemented into a layer of muddy ditch-like mask, which couldn't be removed, and landed on the ground like a spider's web.In the morning and night, the streets where the garbage was flying ashes, the white smoke gushing out from the ventilation vents of the subway on the road, and his shambling figure, rustling like a fly, scorched my heart. The Flyman, remade in 1986, shows the transformation process of body amputation and skinning, but it no longer has the terrifying and poignant dramatic tension of the 2047 version.The sad thing is that even though A Yao became a fly man, including me, I am familiar with this experience. We all belong to the 1947 version of the fly man, which is too classic.When the ad slogan quickly became popular among the children, those innocent and ignorant young faces said outrageously, "As long as I like it, there is nothing wrong with it", as if spitting on my face.I turned around with a graceful smile, and took out a handkerchief to wipe off the phlegm. When I accidentally turned on the TV, a new human head rushed in front of the camera and shook, making faces and screaming, "I really—like—like—my face!" I was shocked. , urgently press the button to destroy him.What kind of advertisement for drinks or instant noodles? Such riots invaded my sleeping place, which made me extremely indignant.When Ah Yao stood up and said, "queer, so what if I look like this!" I really wanted to jump up and cover him with a cloth blanket and push him off the stage.The children are full of youth, A Yao, you and I, a pair of stinky skins, why bother to make a fool of yourself. When our mutual friend Gao Parrot also stayed at home, set up a studio, and sat in front of the computer for eight hours a day, the only motivation for survival was to maintain his body.Gao Parrot never denies that he refuses visitors before noon. During this time, he will apply firming cream all over his body, smear fat-reducing oil on his abdomen and tie it with layers of plastic wrap. He will sit in front of the terminal and work for two hours before he can Disarm.One day I got off the car halfway to go to his place, and returned a book on Fujian architecture.On the intercom, his boss was not happy about my sudden visit, and the iron door also reluctantly opened a crack in line with his rhythm.I climbed up to his house on the third floor, and he let me in behind the invisible door.It turned out that he was covering his face, with big eye circles, big mouth and two upturned black nostrils, like a mandrill.Put down the book, I'm leaving.Now that he has revealed his true form, he leaves me to drink homemade kumquat tea, and reveals to me his terry-towel robe. His stomach is wrapped in plastic wrap and looks like a German pig’s feet.I said, don't you do it in the morning, it's almost evening now. This remark drew a series of complaints from him.It is said that he handed over the first draft of the stage design two days ago, discussed until late to go to the beer hall to eat supper, and went home until almost dawn, and fell asleep until dusk, woke up to look in the mirror, but after staying up all night, he would be embarrassing , very frustrated, only went swimming, came back to play computer and overplayed, went to bed late, woke up late.I was really annoyed that going out for a trip disrupted the life order that I had finally established, so I ended up rubbing my face in the evening, and I was quite worried that I would not be able to fall asleep before twelve o'clock in the evening, and would wake up again tomorrow.He advised me that getting enough sleep is more useful than any skin care products.Especially from eleven o'clock to one o'clock in the morning, night and night alternate, yin and yang qi ebb and flow, the most aging, if you can sleep soundly without dreams at this time, it is definitely a powerful face-retaining technique.He asked me, make a face? I said, I can't do it, my skin will be allergic. He whispered, sea mud mask, have you heard of it? I touched his face with my index finger, it was light gray latex with sandy texture, this is it?All I know is that there is volcanic ash.He nodded and said, yes, it also contains volcanic ash, as well as clay, spring water, and most importantly, mud from a certain seabed in the Atlantic Ocean.Fragrance-free, completely natural, non-irritating to the skin, you can try it. He took me to his bathroom cubicle to show bottles and jars, and explained to me carefully, sea salt and seaweed therapy.He told me that the living cell placenta in the past was scary just by the name, and they were all experimented on animals, without any concept of environmental protection.It should be extracted from the sea. It contains 84 kinds of minerals and trace elements and amino acids, such as potassium, which can balance electrolytes, help nerve waves to run, and release energy from carbohydrates, proteins, and fats.Like magnesium, it has repairing power and moisturizes the complexion.Calcium and zinc calm people down. Zinc can detonate hundreds of enzymes in the body to undergo chemical changes and accelerate metabolism.Mineral salts are great for exfoliating.Another Dead Sea crystallized essential oil scrub that rejuvenates, followed by a head-to-toe Dead Sea Mud skincare.He showed an ordinary plastic bottle, which contained half a bottle of Dead Sea water. It was a souvenir from a former lover who participated in the Israeli pilgrimage group and scooped it up on the shore of the Dead Sea.他缅怀往事对著瓶子也对著我说，死海，你知道吗，它曾经是埃及女王限希巴女王美容养颜的游泳池哩。 他这样倾囊以授，我也不吝贡献出秘方。我是采取食物疗法，亦即重新思考饮食习惯， 以此来改变身体的结构系统。我有位鼻癌友人，遍访名医治疗无效後，决定吃素，用食物疗法的原理来跟癌细胞抗争，活到今天。我的敏感体质，最好从内功下手，顶多听从妹妹建议我的，拍拭婴儿油。 茧居族创造了沐浴流行。高鹦鹉的卫浴间连床，果然占据了他房子的三分之二大，馀下是一湾料理台兼吧台，与一组轻质铝钢桌台配备旋转椅和档案柜，皆带轮子可一齐游牧移动。他那有蒲葵盆景的卫浴间，不是棕榈是蒲葵，以及那整面玻璃砖墙采自然光入屋，又用一扇百褶叶窗式的屏风把光筛滤进来，凉椅藤登，恍惚置身南洋热带殖民风情里。 我与高鹦鹉亲密的喁喁交换著各自一套养身术，好像船难被冲上岸的幸存者，交换逃生经验。曾经都度过疯狂的放浪生涯，幸存者，我们，不再为追逐对象或被对象追逐而打扮自己了。 幸存者，只为己悦容。当我们比任何人都更怕死的，几近病态的在保健身体时，阿尧老骥伏枥仍出入那些场合拚命，充斥他周遭的新人类，新新人类，X人类，他将饱受多少乱暴和屈辱呢，令我不寒而栗。 我们提到远方的阿尧，冷淡岔开不愿多谈，彷佛他是个病重快要死了的人，徒然挑起我们的痛处而已。 高鹦鹉到吧台调配金橘茶，我随手放一张CD来听，是新时代音乐，电子合成乐器精确模拟出空山灵雨，一阵风摇水潺。高鹦鹉在吧台後叮叮当当弄匙弄杯，鸢尾紫毛巾浴袍，向日葵黄的绷带式浴帽把稀疏毛发收勒一空，底下是灰泥脸膜已涸成一副面具，活似巫师。递给我的一瓷缸流金液体，长生不老药啊。 合成乐器忽扬起鲸唱虎啸，飞越河山。高鹦鹉说，应该学学中文电脑，很省事的。 我在看他桌台上的电脑，我说才不要，活在世上的乐趣本已不多了，我要保留最後一点书写的乐趣，一撇一捺，皆至上享受。 他过来指点说，这里面至少存有百万字以上的资料。 我说，打出来看看。 他热切教我操作，举例叩了几颗键，显示幕上跑出一列字，知定法师地藏菩萨本愿经讲义。字销掉，复现，密麻一堆似乎是佛门术语的注解。 我俯前细看，太怪异的文字组合了，必须用嘴念出否则无法进入眼帘。我念，菩提萨垂，摩诃菩提质帝萨垂，简称菩萨！菩提、觉，萨垂、有情，哦菩萨原来就是觉有情！菩提、道， 萨垂、众生，哦也可以叫做道众生。摩诃、大，质帝、心，摩诃菩提质帝萨垂，即大道心众生。我笑起来，简直在做口腔肌肉训练，动员了平时唇舌发音的死角，我说高鹦鹉，存这个干什么？ 他正替般若舞剧设计舞台，相关不相关的资料先搜集。我考他，什麽叫般若？ 他叩一键，又一堆密麻字。我念，般若、慧，有三种差别慧，生空无分别慧，法空无分别慧，俱空无分别慧。我咀嚼句子如咀嚼一根纸莎草的茎，有意思。 他受我催眠的也拾起字念，提婆、天。欲界六欲天，色界四禅十八天，摩琉首罗天，无色界四空天。所谓四空天，我们合声念，空无边处，识无边处，无所有处，非想非非想处。我嗅嗅他疏可见底的头毛，还擦一○一？ 他回头嗔我一眼，一○一，根本骗人的，擦生姜还好些。 当我们焦虑著头发秋叶般一把一把掉落，怵目惊心，各种偏方於彼此间相互传递。闻知有谁去大陆探亲或观光，托买半打一○一生发剂，纵使伪药仿冒品的消息甚嚣尘上，也抱著侥幸之心，擦了反正不会死但说不定就长出头发来了呢。每试一样新法子时的期盼，实践过程中神经质的频频揽镜检视长了没长了的疑惑，且因触摸头皮太紧而至麻痹无感，灰了心，不顾烫发最伤发的大忌，求一速之功，藉烫过松卷的发毛掩蔽。挽不回眼见发量日趋稀薄，发质燥制，发色枯焦，心田好荒凉下去。最後不得不承认，世间从来并没有生发剂，正如从来没有过长生不老药。承认青春不在，同时得为年轻时的过度预支体力和精神付出代价，早衰，多癖，隐疾，或早夭。 当同辈的我们之中，越来越多人参禅习佛，信仰新时代，鼓吹整体健康，要从形而上的心念来统合情绪和肉体。当仙奴跟唐葫芦两人津津乐道前世追溯疗法，催眠疗法，再生，拙火， 气提，夏克提，真气，自性，秘教密语的把我排除在旁，似乎他们握有进入来世的护照很可怜我却没有。我妒恼起来，不为没有护照，天啊那个地方我是根本不要去的，而是他们尽讲一些我不知道的专有名词，太没礼貌了，有失待客之道。我不悦说，新时代，何不承认它也只是一种心理治疗的方法，一种慰藉罢了。 冥顽不灵，不堪与闻大道，我从仙奴唐葫芦他们脸上读到这个讯息，便告辞离去。我很後悔没能把下半截话畅快说出来，若再有一次机会我会说，新时代？当我们年轻，貌美，体健的时候，谁理新时代！没有前世，没有来世，只有衰老，然後死亡，这个事实。 A Yao said that redemption is a greater excuse. 当新时代音乐的环境录音，甚且在大西洋和太平洋深央录到移栖的巨鲸发出低邃呜声， 以及在全然真空无声的外太空，将太空中的电磁震动频率转成磁性脉冲模式，变为可以聆听的天体交响乐章。当我们一批幸存者，我与高鹦鹉在新时代音乐的冲刷医疗里喝著香浓金橘茶，远方异国的阿尧，同时履行他同志理念也同时挥霍他螳螂般性交後即弃的生涯。 当阿尧的过往情人，露水姻缘，朋友们和我，纷纷逃往高山大海躲避黑骑士降临，我听见背後硫磺与火燃烧的地方不论它叫所多玛或是蛾摩拉，阿尧呼喊我的声音，一通国际电话，一包托谁带来的牙买加蓝山，我忍不住回头一望，看见那地方烟气上腾如烧窑的霎时我也变成了一根盐柱。 但我是甘愿的。立在隐遁和焚堕之间，遭受风化雨蚀，饶是这样，我才感到没有背叛阿尧。 安忍不动犹如大地，静虑深密独若秘藏，故名地藏。高鹦鹉的电脑储藏库向我解码了何谓，地藏菩萨。 原来如此，观音十二愿，普贤十大愿，释迦五百愿，地藏本愿。原来熟人在此，「众生度尽，方证菩提，地狱未空，誓不成佛。」典出这里的，地藏菩萨本愿经，我高兴得在高鹦鹉头发上啄一下。 我已来不及告诉阿尧，东京回到台北家里几星期後，我在翻找资料时掉出若干贴纸，是他从前寄给我的。贴纸上印著各式符号跟标语，沈默等於死亡，无知亦即恐惧，Act up，Fight back，Fight AIDS。它们散落地上，人微言轻仍坚持吐放出恫吓。我捡起一张张贴纸收好，好想告诉阿尧，并不是我不参加他的同志运动，归根究底，我只是，我只是太怕，太怕呼口号了。那些我必须跟随集体一齐叫喊一齐挥舞的举动，总令我万分难堪，无异赤条站在大街上，丑态毕露。 我来不及说阿尧，原谅我只因为我是一个，一个有肢体语言障碍的伶仃人啊。 (1)木+鬲；木+扇