_1_ This is the age of decadence, this is the age of prophecy.I was firmly tied to it, sinking to the bottom, the bottom. I take my naked body as the bottom line of the most corrupt behavior acceptable to the human world.Above me, from darkness to light, human desires and hues gallop.Below me there is nothing but abysses, and abysses.But since I have never believed in heaven, naturally there is no hell.Yes under me, that's not the Demon World.It's just, just never, never, ever testable, the abyss. Stop here, stop with me.The scriptures say, do not put the Lord your God to the test, stop here.

I have come to the prime of the human world at the age of forty, but why have I gone through the entire journey of life, old age, sickness and death that a human being is destined to go through, and I am like a dead wood.Who said that nourishing the mind is like dead wood and dead ashes, and makes the dead wood like sprouts.I am not.I am not like Master Hongyi, who used the prosperous and beautiful scenery in the first half of his life to make water dew, and made offerings to him in the second half of his life to produce colorless flower branches. I think I am, when I used to be afraid of the eroticism that moths to the flame again and again, and the death-like loneliness after the eroticism, I was terrified of facing that loneliness.And now, I'm just able to live with loneliness.Peacefully living with loneliness, looking at the face of death, I am no longer afraid.

_2_ I flew to Tokyo part-time, changed the Ome Line to Fusheng, saw A Yao sunken in the mattress in Fusheng Hospital, and spent the last five days of his life with him.I will still say that AIDS is really terrible, and the price of loneliness is even higher. A Yao shouted and gestured to the demonstrators in the video tape he entrusted to me, "ACt up, Fight back, Fight AIDS", which did not impress me, but convinced me.He believed in organization and movement, but I was so pessimistic that I never participated in any meeting with more than three people, said Garbo, leaving me alone.I said in vain, the world had better forget me.A Yao fought AIDS bravely, his life was like an hourglass, watching it flow, I suddenly saw the birds on the screen like thieves like the sand in the river, the blind mating that was too late to turn the sea into red, like a hybrid that A Yao couldn't get enough of lifetime.

I had to go for a walk. A Yao's mother was dozing off sitting on the edge of the bed, and there was a silent typhoon outside the closed window.A Yao treats others warmly and affectionately, but all the violence is directed at his mother.I have always hated his frank and undisguised attitude towards his mother, grandly bringing his lover home, I said A Yao, the house is not yours.We have repeatedly fought over this kind of thing. I blame him for his feeling of violating others. Adding it to his mother, it is basically poking a defenseless shellless snail with a sharp weapon.I said, A Yao, our world is wild and desolate, and my mother will never understand it in her life.It's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't.No, ordinary people can't, their orderly universe is also very fragile.

Arguments that never come to fruition, no one knows what happens.Doomed, A Yao, who is passionately involved in the tug-of-war with time, advocates gay love, gay counterattack, gay space, and gay rights. He is the feature film on the streets.As for me, I am just the negative of Xiangyuan, cowardly hiding in a dark cabinet, using day as night, and living in the ordinary world. A Yao's mother treats me like a child. In the early years, I called her Aunt Huang, and later followed A Yao to call her mother.Every time I say mother, the voice of a narrative sentence seems to be too respectful for a person to be qualified for a conversation, so I use a virtual image to make a statement.I left my mother and the hospital bed, and was exposed to strong wind and heavy rain in a hospital as quiet as snow.The umbrella is fully supported, and the whole body is wet.But I have to get out and about.

I struggled to withstand the wind and rain with my umbrella, and the rain was like cosmic dust blown out by a bellows. I have a whole scalp.But I gotta get out and about.A Yao woke up from exhaustion before noon yesterday.What I meant by waking up was that his eyes with only two holes left gradually watered and gathered into a shallow spring, enough to reflect me on it, so he also saw me.I waited for this moment for too long, holding my breath, afraid that a little breath would blow it away.The past, the past, like dew and electricity.Without Ah Yao, my teenage years would be blank.A Yao woke up and moved his eyes away from my face, maybe he wanted to move to the bright shadow behind me.However, it was too late, the dark, cloudless, dust-free and white light before the typhoon could destroy him.His eyes dimmed, he disappeared, and has been in a coma ever since.The moment he woke up was fleeting, but fortunately we didn't miss it. I said goodbye to all the things in this life in an instant, and I was dry and tearless.

In 1990, Ah Yao caught a cold and lost weight. He went for a checkup, and he was really sick.It started in 1988, when he was in New York and San Francisco.Who is the target, no memory.Taking AZT for seven months, hair loss, anorexia, and vomiting.The state of an illness can also be stable after stopping medication, and appetite is slightly had.I came to see him in Tokyo last spring, and his physical strength at that time allowed me to chat with him for two whole nights.They are all memories of our youth and adolescence, every movie, every theme song, like a downcast king and grandson taking out silk and satin to dry in the winter when the sun is out.I sing, "Correct, uncorrectable wrongs. Reach, untouchable stars. Conquer, unconquerable battles. Fulfill, unattainable dreams." Dreamriders, Peter Otto and Sophia Loren, we always Sing the songs of Tammon and think about our thoughts.The cherry blossoms are in full bloom, and the daily news rushed to report on the flowers. We finally solved a mystery from the past.

During the summer vacation when we were admitted to university, we rode a Suzuki 100 CC to play at Shifen Waterfall, and the two took turns.People often barbecue in the waterfall area, and the blackened rock walls turn left and right. When you climb through the cave, you can see the abandoned food inside, which looks like a prehistoric habitation.The majestic golden dog's fur opened the big fern leaf umbrella to cover the sky, and several patches of sunlight flickered, playing cunningly in the forest like an elf, sometimes stopping on A Yao's hair, sometimes flying across his cheeks, and sometimes pounced to cover it. My eyelashes blind me.We walked more and more hurriedly, and the thick rotten leaves under our shoes creaked and creaked.

We scrambled, he chasing me or I chasing him, lapping each other, Di Palma's smothering mirror driving us to the water's edge.With no way out, I took a step and jumped onto the rock in the water, set my mind on it, then jumped onto a stone pier, and then another, looking back at him.Unexpectedly, he almost stepped on my shadow and followed me, forcing me to abandon the ground and jump out. At the same time, the two of them landed on a mossy stone in front, slipped dangerously, and held on to it.The water curtain shot over our heads, and the sun elves shuttled away to create thousands of rainbows, splashing ice on our faces.I thought I was going to fall into the water, and white smoke would rise from the ground.But I was on the shore from the stone servant, got up and stood under a clump of broad-leaved trees, my heart was beating like a drum, and it made me dizzy.There is a black and sweet fragrance permeating the air, and white orchids spit out from snake-like vines.A Yao did not follow, but stayed between the waterfalls, swallowing water drops with his face raised.For a long time, it was too long to put him out and stop me.I didn't understand what I was looking forward to, I just felt a solid disappointment that made my stomach uncomfortable.

We walked out of the wet wood in silence, I became quieter and he became more depressed.When the tourists were all playing, I hurried back to Taipei. For a long time in the future, I will keep thinking about it.In a blink of an eye, A Yao's breath pressed against my face but he didn't kiss me, why? I was terrified of myself by the intensity of the emotions I aroused at that moment toward my own sex.Its horror is tantamount to the leakage of heavenly secrets.I saw the facts that I shouldn't have seen, and quickly covered them up, it was already too late. I spent the whole hot and long summer holding my own darkness, carefully maintaining a box of radioactive elements.Its energy cracks danced in my arms, and as soon as I recalled what happened at the waterfall, it exploded and released a bright light, shattering all narrative sequences of cause and effect.Nothing to remember, nothing to remember.I was exhausted, and the big girl across the door played Tie A Yellow Ribbon over and over again in the summer of dancing steps.

Facing A Yao, I denied it to myself, yes I didn't see anything.I am innocent and know nothing.I pretended that nothing had happened. I gave up thinking so much that my memory was gradually modified.I erased the truth that I didn't want to admit, and re-wrote the text, so I really forgot the truth of Shi Waterfall.The lost horizon is replaced by the day line. There is no trace for a day. There has never been anything between me and A Yao. Until last night's talk, A Yao talked about it leisurely, remember, it was very waterfall. Yes, there was a day when he was still healthy and I was young. At that time, I almost kissed you, A Yao said. what!Have it?I am surprised. A Yao said, but you didn't get an erection, I passed it in a blink of an eye.Erection, yes, erection.The two characters are like a spell, calling out the missing day from Wuheyou.When we were close together for a while between the waterfalls, I clearly felt that A Yao's erection reached my stomach firmly like a fist.However, it is easy to leave at the touch of a finger, making me wish for a fixative to freeze this sense of reality every time I am obsessed with thinking about it, so that I can visually observe, observe, and understand.The awakening of chaos, I was frightened away by myself at first, and hid in the depths of the crypt. When I met Jie six years later, it broke through the ground and swallowed me.How did I know at that time that A Yao had gone through vicissitudes at the age of twenty. A Yao told me that on the bumpy mountain road, he indulged so much in imagining that if I had anal sex with him, his hands and feet would go numb and he had to stop.Ask me if I remember, we once parked on the cliff and looked at the turtle-like reefs in the sea.San Diaojiao on this cliff was once called San Diego by the Spaniards.After a rest, I changed to ride on the road. He held my waist and was sweating. He looked at the side of the sea, and now I wake up, because according to my rich experience later, that is the face after having a good time.It is the eyelids when the red tide is limited and the sweat has subsided but the skin cells are still inflated.It sets off the black eyebrows and red lips that are painted on it.And, the eyes in the eyebrows and eyelashes are dim, as if watching the aftermath of passion dimming like the sunset in the sky.At that time, this face made me avoid it in a panic, and looked at the sea with great concentration. That's how it was, I chewed the unearthed historical materials, and after twenty years, aftertaste, it was as sweet and astringent as olive oil.I said Ah Yao, so that's the case. However, Ayao's physical strength is no longer enough to waste words. After a long time, he only speaks single words, but I will always know what he is going to say and help him complete the chapters and sentences.He said, upstairs.I will add that the old ones go upstairs, ah, eight and one-half, in the era of our test room, the oysters in Taiying Alley have green noodles, and the authentic oysters are not like the intestine substitutes now. , So Ah Yao, Fellini is in the past tense, the master is old, and we have to become upstairs people.Then I started to recite each of the eight and one-half fragments. The so-called recitation is to narrate the camera connections in sequence.A Yao closed his eyes and opened his ears, like an old opera fan, immersed in the familiar singing and reciting, reviewing the old and learning the new.A Yao and I, two white-headed court ladies, babbled till dawn. A Yao’s house in Japan, a two-story bungalow owned by A Yao’s mother, with three or four families shaded by an old cherry tree behind it.Every time I go to Tokyo, I stay at my mother's house, but this time in spring I made a special trip to see A Yao, and the two of them are counted as meeting each other.Before I came to Tokyo, he went to Taiwan.When I returned to Taipei, he had taken the European delegation to Amsterdam.After his illness, he seldom went downstairs. My mother made long-distance calls to Taipei and asked me to call him.My mother said in Taiwanese and Japanese that she would pay for the phone call, and she wanted me to persuade Ayao to exercise, don't be lazy, move more, even if you are tired.As expected, Ah Yao often walked on the tatami as I said, twisting his neck, turning his head, and shaking his hands. He did it especially for me, as a reward for my coming to Japan to see him. He calls himself a ray of fragrant soul.Wanting to go out from the house, my hand was on the doorknob. For a long time, I didn't even have the strength to turn the doorknob.I know he is weak, but I don't know how weak he is. I used him as a walking stick to walk through the yard, across the secluded road that is the embankment of the park.He stopped every three steps, couldn't even raise his eyelids, looked at his nose with his eyes, watched his heart with his nose, and walked hard.Suddenly, cherry blossoms fell all over his body, he held his breath and concentrated his will to protect his body from collapsing, leaving only his mouth pressed into a line.I didn't dare to touch him, so I stood by him.Waiting for the wind to stop, in the two bursts of fluttering cherry blossoms, I seem to have escaped from the burning city thousands of years ago and couldn't help looking back at Lot's wife who became a pillar of salt. Every time my mother went upstairs to deliver tea and food, made the bed, added quilts, and told me the truth of the Lord, it was because I told that A Yao who didn't listen at all.The mother's only concern is that A Yao has not confessed and repented, and the rest of her life is only for A Yao to believe in the Lord.Nowhere to go on alms round, I'm a mother's chance. Always, mother pulls the papers and comes in, behaved without fear of cumbersomeness.The older and slower mothers stand up and back, just like the people in Noh, but the dancing is closer to the ceremony. My mother leaned over and put someone in front of me, and still held the pottery cup half a circle in her hand before giving it to him.The cup has a face and a back. I don't know how my mother can distinguish it. After all, she will serve the cup with the face facing the guests. I cherish every bowl of tea my mother gave me, and drank it like a soup.The seaweed flavor of Japanese tea is my favorite in the past. Ayao’s house on West Chang’an Road is a building with bricks, stones, and gables, exuding the refreshing smell of western medicine disinfectant.It was the first time I ate the star cloth seaweed crumbs on the golden Mimo at his house, served on a jade-colored plate with deliberately missing corners, my mother had a delicate fragrance, and I was treated like a grown man. Japanese mother, Taiwanese daughter-in-law, she will quote the book of Jude and say that a man who uses his natural use for reverse will be cast into the flames of punishment. A Yao called her Wuji old mother. In Tokyo, I often rush back to Fusheng on the last train. My mother left me a lamp in the living room and a full pot of hot water for me to make tea.During the day when I got up, my mother was not there, and the clothes I changed had been washed and dried in the yard.There was a basket full of fruits on the table, and my mother knew that I didn't eat when I got up, but only drank tea.But in order not to disappoint my mother, I would overeat an apple, a few strawberries, or a summer tangerine. My mother also prepared the honey and the knife and ladle needed to eat the summer tangerine.I also love to eat gizzards, and I once praised my mother for her hot green vegetables and fried silver sprouts. That was in a letter to A Yao to express my thanks to my mother. Since then, my mother has remembered it.She would spend the whole morning or afternoon lurking in the kitchen, plucking off the heads and tails of bean sprouts one by one like embroidery, leaving only the fat, tender and fiber-free midsection.I also bought duck gizzards and chicken gizzards, which are not eaten by the Japanese, and painstakingly peeled off the tough yellow hard skin in the gizzards, as if making a handicraft.I have no words to repay, A Yao said, this is the honor of Wuji's old mother, she loves it very much. My mother and I occasionally spend time indoors, in a trance on a Noh stage.For a long time, I have no words to immerse myself in a state of oblivion, speaking, chanting and sighing, but in fact there is no need to say anything.Folding, partition (1), shoji, eaves, slanting and pine, how familiar Ozu's frame composition, rare panning, in his later years, the lens is almost fixed, the only punctuation mark is jumping.With such a quiet vision and Noh rhythm, I enjoy being the person in Ozu's lens.My mother once replied to a relative in the land that the man made fun of Yao for not getting married. My mother said, my son’s not getting married is a problem of not getting married, but your son’s getting married has thousands of problems.My mother described it to me very happily, Taiwan Japanese, I half understand and half understand, that's it. Although my mother hated those men who came to look for A Yao on the phone and refused them all, she said politely, sorry, he is not here.A Yao came back with her lover, she humbly left the house and said she was going shopping.Holding the bag with the dark pattern of paramecium algae, or going to church to help, or taking a 15-minute tram to Tachikawa, a little further away, eating dim sum and matcha at Takashimaya, and shopping at Isetan Supermarket before it closes at 7 o'clock Half price and fresh salmon sashimi.She returned with a full load, refilling a refrigerator of Budweiser.She crouched downstairs, hiding the partition door in a quiet corner, and heard footsteps going downstairs, A Yao and her companions came into the room and searched for food and drink in the refrigerator.She turned on the TV very loudly to tell them that there were people in the partition, but it didn't stop them from quarreling.My mother was in very, very pain, lying on the stack and praying.Sometimes one night, sometimes two or three days, until the strange man left, she went upstairs to disinfect and clean the house like a plague. Mom came upstairs.The shadow of the rickety building climbing up the stairs is first reflected on the paper door, the giant shadow of sprites, the shadow of the infinite old mother. A Yao said, I think we have fallen into the rat's way. There, the dead lost its bones, I meditate.Eliot's poems on the moor, my childhood favorite. My mother went to the paper door and knelt down. I thought that the giant shadow gradually became smaller and finally became one with my mother.I can't help but recall, I still remember his name is Xiaoyue, when we were both kneeling on the log floor and kissing passionately, he suddenly leaned up and fell to the corner, there was a piece of dry landscape over there, and the light from the floor lamp Set off the gravel and fine bamboo.He turned the floor lamp with his hands, casting our shadows onto the walls and ceiling like gods.He is like that, watching our huge black shadow entangled like that and frivolously frivolous with me, making me desperate to go with it. I looked at the pottery cup, which looked like a Fuji apple. It was not glazed, and its sharp and astringent texture symbolized the end of prosperity. I could somewhat understand the face and back of the cup.Due to the difference in heat distribution in the cellar where pine and firewood are burned, this side absorbs more heat and produces a darker color. In spring and April, I encountered cherry blossoms in full swing, and the philosophy of cherry blossoms that are the most beautiful is dead, too style.I caressed the bruise-like spots on A Yao's mouth and wrists, brown and blue, blue and purple, Kaposi's sarcoma, which can erode people's internal organs and swell the lymph nodes.I sigh, A Yao, you are still not redeemed. A Yao said that redemption is a greater excuse. At forty, we gradually give up trying to convince each other to agree with us.He thought that since he had been lustful all his life, he would go to hell in the end, and the rest would be rubbish. So our conversation in the second half of the night came to an abrupt end in a white-hot state where the emotions were high but not angry.His body, he can no longer. The light bulb suddenly brightened even more.I folded the direction of the light wings, and the light source was thrown out of the window to illuminate half a branch of cherry blossoms.When my mother was quoting chapters from the New Testament to us, A Yao knocked open the window and reached out to grab flowers and eat them.The cold air was pouring into the house, and it was expected to be chilly in spring, so I went up to cover the window, and saw A Yao's face was ashen, with pale yellow pollen on his lips, and he was chewing flowers tremblingly.The scenery on the glass window in the middle of the night, the flowers are quiet and the people are white.A Yao was silent and lethargic, his frowning face cut my heart. I have seen the sunset, people are still waiting for the sunrise. Walking through the streets of Fusheng City against the typhoon and rain, I was drenched in water. This street is very strange, with slanting bamboo branches fastened at the gates of every house, tied with colorful ribbons, and tied to the end of the street to cover the sky.Maybe it was made for the Menglan Festival. The day before yesterday I vaguely heard the sound of drums beating and flute playing soaring into the sky. Then there would be a team of dancers like a sea tide bringing tumbling green fish into the river, watching both sides. The shopkeepers who danced along with the pedestrians went back and forth.Now, there is no one left, and the wind and rain slapped the bamboo leaves, and the colored polyester was thrown horizontally and flew in the air.I passed under it, feeling the terror of the power of nature.Suddenly, when the wind and rain subsided, the colorful ribbons fell straight down, snow white and vermilion red, so beautiful and incomparable, I was walking, thinking about it, really wanting to turn back. Never in my life have I been so eager to see someone, just anyone or the sound of footsteps behind me.People are people who need people, sang Barbra Streisand.A lonely monk like me is actually incapable of avoiding vulgarity.I shed tears and wept bitterly in the heavy wind and heavy rain that came and went. A Yao is no longer here.