Chapter 9 Chapter nine

On my twenty-fifth birthday, I spent it alone, and no one remembered it.If I married a small clerk back then, even if he only earned three to five thousand, after four years, he might still have some genuine feelings.Bringing up children is hard work, no matter how meaningless life is, it will be over in the noise and busyness.Maybe the child kissed my face today and said "Happy Birthday Mom", and my husband bought me a cheap fashion as a gift... Do I regret it? I ate as usual and stood on the terrace to watch the scenery. Victoria Harbor is always so beautiful.Xu Cunzi, who has almost everything, refuses to step out of a 300-foot room.

"But I can't control life." Xu Cunzi said behind me. "Mr. Xu." I was surprised, and he came out. He said, "Are you lonely?" He put his hand on my shoulder. I put my hand on his. "No." "Thank you!" Xu Cunzi said. "Why does everyone thank me?" I asked with a smile, "What good did I do?" "Jiaming will come to see us." He said. I stay. "Really?" I was pleasantly surprised, "He's back?" "No, he's just visiting us," he said. "Oh." I lowered my head. I raised my head again to look at Xu Cunzi.He is still very strong, but there is indescribable tiredness in his eyes, and there is no trace of life on his face. I sighed secretly.

"Today is my birthday." I said. "What do you want?" Xu Cunzi asked me, "I forgot, sorry." I smile wryly.What do I want?Stocks, houses, jewelry? "I know," he stroked my hair, "you need a lot of love. If you don't have love, then you need a lot of money. If you don't have both, it's good to have health." "Aren't I still healthy?" I smiled reluctantly. "Buy what you like," he said. "I know." I shook his hand. "Rest." Xu Cunzi said, "I'm tired." But I am not him. I sleep five or six hours a day, which is enough. I try my best to pass the time on weekdays.

I hit the streets and took Simpson with me.I searched all the stores, but there was nothing I wanted to buy, so I went home empty-handed.I hired a master to teach me how to mount paintings at home, and I knew that Xu Cunzi didn't want me to leave his house.Mounting paintings is a very interesting job. The master is an old man, not necessarily older than Xu Cunzi, but because he lacks money, reputation and status, he looks very old. The master asked me what else I wanted to learn. I thought about it: "Playing cotton." I said. he laughs. I want to learn to carve seals, but I don't know calligraphy.Picking cotton was a very beautiful job in the past. The monotonous and charming sound, the sweat of the workers, the sun shining into the shop, the dust in every shop and every room, it was helplessly beautiful, more like a human being, meaningless , is dispensable, has been eliminated long ago, and is not missed, but for now, I have to go on, go on.

Xu Cunzi looked at me and said, "Oh, you strange child, why did you frame up pieces of blank paper?" I smile. "Bodhi does not have a tree, and the mirror is not a stand. Why do we have to mount the treasure of Qianlong's imperial view?" He smiled blankly.Xu Cunzi is the only one who can't see through this hurdle. He is convinced that money can pass through the gods, but I have seen money as crystal clear. I know what it can buy and what it can't buy. I accompanied him through this difficult time, calm as a mountain.But when Jiaming came, I was also shocked.I watched him speechless for a long time, as if my heart was hanging in mid-air.

"Jiaming—" I choked up. "I am Brother Joseph," he said kindly, "the Lord be with you, Emmanuel." He shaved his flat head, wore a black robe, and a pair of rough shoes. He was in good spirits, and he had gained a lot of weight. I couldn't recognize him. His past beauty and intelligence were all buried in today's simplicity. "Jiaming, Mr. Xu needs you." I said. "Mr. Xu, please ask God for what he needs, Psalm 22: The Lord is my Shepherd, I will not lack—" he said. "Jiaming—" I feel sad. "My name is Joseph." Jia Ming said.

"People who believe in God can be so cruel?" I suddenly became angry. "Didn't Jesus himself walk with the lepers? Why do you ignore us?" "You have Almighty God," his voice was still so gentle, "why rely on me? 'Who else do I have in heaven? There is nothing worthy of admiration on earth'. 'People are liars', Miss Jiang, You're a smart guy, think about it." "God?" I grabbed him by the hem of his robe. "How can I trust someone I can't see?" "'Blessed are those who believe without seeing.' Miss Jiang, how far can our eyes see? You really believe in a pair of eyes so much. Don't blind people believe in light and electricity, sun and moon?"

"Jia Ming—" I shuddered, tears streaming down my face. "Only in the arms of the Lord can you find peace." He said, "Sister Jiang, let me lay down my head and pray for you." "Jiaming—" "Sister Jiang, my name is Joseph now." He reminded me gently again and again. He gently pressed my head, bowed his head and closed his eyes, and began to pray in a low voice: "Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, may your kingdom come..." I called, "No, Jiaming, I don't want to pray, Jiaming!" He opened his eyes, "Sister Jiang——"

I burst into tears, "Jiaming, I'm Xibao, I'm not some Jiang sister, in this world, we need you, we don't need a living Bible, you can help us, why don't you understand?" "I don't understand," he said quietly, "you don't understand—" "What don't I understand? I don't understand God?" I stood up and asked him, "What can He do for me? How do you want me to ask God?" "Quiet, quiet." He put his hand on my shoulder. I stared at him, crying in distress. Xu Cunzi's voice came from behind me: "Xibao, let him go back."

I turned my head and saw Xu Cunzi standing behind me.I went to the terrace and put my head down. "You go back, Jiaming." Xu Cunzi said. "Thank you, Mr. Xu." Song Jiaming stood up respectfully, "I'll take a step first and come back later." The maid opened the door for him and he left our house. "Mr. Xu!" I wanted to cry but had no tears. "Let him go, everyone's choice is different." He said. But Song Jiaming, Song Jiaming at that time. Xu Cunzi locked herself in the study again. Simpson said to me, "You go out and play polo."

"I'd rather play pelota." I stretched. "Go to Macau then," said Simpson. "Gambling?" I thought of the blond woman who could lose the estate on Purebone Street.I can't go her way. "No," I said, "I'm going to keep myself. I have to." "You have to do something every day, you can't always drink." I smiled and looked up, "You know what, Mrs. Simpson, I think I'm done." "Are you still that young?" She pressed my hand. I brushed my hair and put my hands on my forehead. "Yes, but I don't want to fly anymore." "Miss Jiang, you can't give up." I sigh. "Why? Because I have a very hard heart, a thick skin, and a very aggressive person? Others can commit suicide with passion, but I have to work hard to live to be eighty years old? Really?" Simpson was speechless. "Thank you for being with me all these years." I patted her hand. "It's my honor," she said heartily.No matter how sincere it is, it still has a British tone, exaggerated and hypocritical. I shake my head. "Are you feeling lonely?" "No. Didn't Mr. Xu accompany me day and night?" I said. Simpson sighed. One late night, Xu Cunzi talked to me.He said, "Xibao, if you want to go, you can go." "Go? Where am I going?" I asked back. "Anywhere, you're still young..." "Leaving you? You mean to tell me to leave you?" I asked. "Yes, my life is coming to an end, I can't watch you die, you can go." He didn't look at me. I was shocked and forced a smile: "Mr. Xu, please don't divorce me." He raised his head and laughed twice, "Your words remind me of a story." I look at him. "Lin Chongfa was assigned to Cangzhou, and Mrs. Lin Chong rushed in and said: 'How do you divorce me?' You are not mine, how do you use the word 'divorce'?" "Where do you want me to go again?" I spread my hands, "Although the world is big, where can I live? Who will take care of me? Who is worried about my well-being, who do you want me to talk to?" "I'll go earlier than you. You won't be alone by then. Why don't you go out and practice your independence earlier? You'll get used to it." "Of course I will get used to it. I'm such a lowly life." I was still laughing, the corners of my mouth sour, "But my energy will not be released until the last move of the chess piece. I don't want to waste it when it is meaningless. The time has not come yet." "Why don't you leave?" I am silent. "Take my money, you go out for activities, and you become a famous woman in a year and a half. I will help you. You can even use my surname: Xu Jiang Xibao. Don't say it, my surname is still worthy of respect. At that time I don't know how many people pursue you, but you can always pick a good one to marry, and even if you can't get married, you can still sing and sing every night, have a good time, and make a good show of yourself—why bother to be sulky with an old man who is dying?" I lit a cigarette, took a deep draw, and said, "Mr. Xu, there are many such women in Hong Kong. Do you think they are happy?" "Do you think you're happy now?" he said. "I like it now," I said. "There are so many fur evening clothes and jewelry. Chang'e should regret stealing the elixir." "I like wearing big shirts and jeans," I said. "Why?" he asked. "At the beginning, it was for money, for safety, and for ambition; later, it was for shame, for hatred, for revenge; until now, Mr. Xu, please don't laugh at me, now it is for love. I love you." I said. He was startled and didn't look at me. "Growing up, I didn't love anyone, and no one loved me. I was responsible to no one, and no one was responsible to me. I belonged to no one, and no one belonged to me. But now I know that I Where should it stay?" "Are you pitying me, an old man?" "You?" I smiled wryly. "A skinny camel is bigger than a horse. If you, Mr. Xu, run out in ten years, how many girls in their twenties will fight to help you?" "Why don't you go out and get a lot of boys in their twenties to help you?" "I see through them all," I said tediously, "how do I know if they want my heart or my money? To be a woman is to be like a painting, not a dress, to be tried by a man. I tried again and again, but no one bought it, it was worn out, and it was difficult to sell it at a 50% discount. I would rather make a painting, and you, Mr. Xu, took a fancy to me and bought it. I don’t want to change the owner again.” "The master is dead?" I stood up, "Let's talk when I die, I live every day, why worry so much! Let's talk when you die!" I became impatient. "Your temper hasn't changed at all." He smiled. "It's hard to change." I sat down again, "Even Xu Cunzi tolerates me, others, let him go." He murmured, "I can't see any good boys either... Jia Ming was good before... There aren't many boys like Jia Ming anymore." Jiaming. I said gently: "Don't worry about me. There is no perfect thing in the world. This kind of thing can happen but can't be sought. It's useless to think about it." "But you are always locked at home..." He was worried like a loving mother. "He will knock on the door, don't worry." I said, "What is mine is mine, and there is no escape." "You are so unfortunate." He patted me on the shoulder and said, "Xibao—" "I didn't realize that if you remind me again, I'm really going to suffer from self-pity." I said, "You can't force anything." "Are you really open?" He was still worried. "I can see thousands of miles away." I nodded, "because I have to see so far." "How do you live in the future?" he asked. "Live one day at a time, like everyone else in the world," I said. "No regrets?" he asked. I said frankly: "If you regret it, you will regret it, if you regret it, you will let it go." He didn't make a sound, and said after a while: "Okay, whatever you want." I tentatively asked, "Should I go see Mrs. Xu?" "If she wants to see me, she will come." This ended our conversation.I still don't know how Ms. Ouyang married Xu Cunzi.Her birth is ambiguous, her appearance has never been seen before or after—there is always a reason.I don't ask, I've learned never to ask any questions, so I'm the best mistress ever.If he is free, I will accompany him; if he is not free, I will wait for him. Whether it is meaningful is a question of each person's value point. What is the point of raising children?What is the meaning of life?What loss does society have when a seagoing ship sinks on the bottom of the sea?The living still feasted and married.The earth exploded and disappeared, what loss did the universe have?Why should I dress up and go to the Rotary club and the teacher's club to dance? I think of Congshu.I asked Simpson to inquire about Congshu. Simpson dialed the phone to Xu's Mansion in Shek O.Ah, Xu’s Mansion in Shi’ao, Conghui drove her black panther sports car to pick me up to her house to play, it seems like it happened seven centuries ago. Simpson shook his head and said, "The servants there don't understand English." I asked back: "Why don't you learn Cantonese? This is a place for Chinese people." I found Mrs. Xu myself.She was a little confused, not knowing who I was for a while.I was surprised. I said, "I am Jiang Xibao." "Ah, Miss Jiang," she said in a calm voice, not very sad. "What's up?" "Mr. Xu would like to ask, how are you these days?" She was silent for a while. "I want to come and visit you," I said, "may I come?" "Okay." She said, "I'm also quiet, it's okay if someone talks to me." "Then I'll come now." "What do you like to eat? Now we make snacks every afternoon here." "Chinese or Western?" I asked.How can I ask. "Spring rolls, pastries, etc., and stewed ginseng, does it suit your taste?" "Okay." I said, "I'll come this afternoon." I told Xu Cunzi: I want to go to his house in Shek O. He disagrees. "What are you going to do? Idle and panic? It's better to find something meaningful to do." I didn't say anything, but I still went to Shek O in the afternoon, driving my own car. Mrs. Xu came out wearing a cheongsam and embroidered slippers, looked at me quietly, and said, "Look at you this time, you seem to be a few years younger than Conghui." When talking about wisdom, there is nothing unusual in the voice. I sit across from her.She brought the snacks in front of me and watched me eat, so I ate a lot.She handed me the teacup again.Ask me: "How is Mr. Xu?" I thought for a while, swallowed my food, and replied, "I'm in good spirits, but I'm not in a good mood." I found that I had been Xu Cunzi's "person" for a long time, and it gradually became a habit, and they all began to recognize me. "It's no wonder to him. I've been ill for a long time too. My intelligence is gone, and my intelligence is gone." Her eyes were red, "I'm just living my life, and it's meaningless. I'm smart too. I don't want to think about her parents. I can't bear it, today's young people are so self-willed, they go as soon as they say, without any nostalgia, mother and daughter, no affection." But there was more complaint than sadness in his tone, "I asked the Buddha, and he said he was still alive I asked for a lottery, the same way, but I still want to see her, she really died in front of me, I was so determined." Sobbing and crying, it was still the tears of being wronged and angry, not sad . I sat blankly. What can I do? "I want to sit in the smart room." I said. "Wait for her to come back every day, wipe the dust every day, nothing has been touched, you go up." Mrs. Xu said. I walked to the smart room and gently opened the door.The large bedroom facing south connects with a small living room.There was a set of silver combs on the dressing table, and a crystal perfume bottle, and I squeezed the rubber ball to release a scent of "Miss Dea".I thought in a daze, this is the smart way of picking perfumes and pure flavors, but if it were me, I would use "zai" and "flying at night". An album was opened on the side of Gauguin's "Tahiti Girl": red grass, golden brown human face.A rose in a silver vase—very girly.Presumably the maid came every day to put on fresh flowers. Bedspread in white Swiss linen, green evergreens.Conghui is always so young and cute.I sat in her rocking chair with my head on the side.What a pity that God did not take care of her life. I sigh deeply.People like me have been abandoned long ago, and I will spend my whole life whether God sees it or not, but I am smart... There are original Miro prints on the whitewashed wall, and there are Zhang Xiaoxiao Zhang Daqian's meticulous paintings of ladies, everything fits her identity. I opened the drawer of her desk. She doesn't keep a diary, but a thick address book, which is full of phone addresses of famous golden boys and girls.The current ball owes Xu Conghui, do they miss her, and forget about it after a while? I stood on the little terrace for a while.Come back and dial the pendant on the crystal lamp.where is she nowAccustomed to such a smooth life, can she really adapt?How long can it last?When are you coming back? Mrs. Xu appeared at the door, and she said, "I treat her very well—I do everything she wants, and I get what I want, and her father loves her too..." I understand why Xu Cunzi didn't come back here. I asked, "Where is Congshu?" "Congshu is in the hospital." "Have you kept him in the hospital for so long, more than a year?" I was shocked. "It can't be helped, it's really outrageous to come back." She sighed and sat down. "What kind of trouble?" I was terrified. I said, "He can't be left to fend for himself in a hospital, that kind of place—you know what they do with patients." "It's a private hospital, it's different." "Did you go to see him?" "Of course, I don't even recognize it. The slippers and the hot water bottle fell on my head..." "Does Mr. Xu know?" I took a step back. "How dare you let him know!" Mrs. Xu sat down and cried bitterly, "I don't have anyone to talk to. Seeing that all the little ones are dead, why am I still here, an old man?" After a long time, I collected myself like thunder, stood up and said, "I'm going to see Congshu, please give me the address." "I'll ask the driver to take you there." Mrs. Xu stood up and said, "But he won't recognize you." "No! If he remembers people, he should remember me." I arrived at the nursing home in Xu's car.Very beautiful and quiet place, the grass is more beautiful than any tennis court. I wiped off my sweat and said to the nurse at the door, "I'm here to see Xu Congshu." The nurse looked at me. "Xu Congshu? He lives on the second floor, Room 203." "What's wrong with him? Is he dangerous?" I was a little scared. "He is not a dangerous patient. We have no dangerous patients here." The nurse has a young round face, she said, "But we prevent him from deteriorating at any time." "Has he deteriorated?" I asked. "He hasn't made any progress, good times and bad times." She led me upstairs, "Xu's family is very rich, isn't it?" She smiled, "They didn't want to take him home because they said they were afraid of affecting his father's mood. " "He doesn't know his relatives anymore?" I asked. "It depends on his mood, most of the time he is very quiet. Most of the patients who live here hope to get more attention from their relatives and friends." She smiled, "Do you understand? It's actually not a big deal." I'm a little relieved.I understand what Congshu is like, he never wants to grow up, he always wants to be loved and cared for, maybe this is just a means for him to get more love. The nurse knocked on the door of Room 203 and said to me, "Please ring the bell when you are called." I push the door and go in. Congshu was neatly dressed, reading a book while lying on the wicker chair on the terrace. I'm already smiling. "Congshu." I called him. He didn't put down the pictorial. I walked up to him and sat down next to him in a chair. "Congshu, it's me, I'm here to see you." He still hasn't put down the pictorial.He was reading "Life" magazine. He put down the picture album and looked at me with lifeless eyes. I'm sorry. "Congshu, let's make peace, and we'll be friends again. I'm going back to live in Hong Kong now, and I can visit you every day, okay?" He doesn't answer. "Congshu, you know that your two sisters are gone, and you are the only one left of your father. You have to cheer yourself up." He picked up the album again.I pressed his hand.But his hands were no longer hot flashes.His face was still so beautiful, but it was no longer alive.I suddenly realized that the nurse estimated his condition was too mild. I held his hand, feeling cold in my heart, and asked softly, "Can you hear me?" Congshu stared at me blankly. "I'm Xiaobao." I said, "Remember?" He picked up the pictorial again. I snatched that "Life" magazine, and found that there were pages and pages of cardboard, blank cardboard, not a word, only two front and back covers, and I felt like I saw a poisonous snake.Throw that magazine to the ground. I ring the bell. The nurse comes in.Not the first one. I pointed to the "book" on the floor and couldn't help but panic. The nurse shrugged, put her hands in her pockets, and said casually: "They all said they want to read books, so we have to show them." "He doesn't know me!" I said. "Miss! This is a psychiatric nursing home. This is not a playground. Why should he recognize you? Do you want him to stand up to greet you?" The nurse said sarcastically, then turned and walked away. It's over.I thought, it's over.If Xu Cunzi knows the news... I dare not think about it. Congshu sat in the rattan chair blankly.I walked over again, crouched beside him, and shook his arm. "Congshu, look at me carefully, haven't you always wanted to see me? I'm here now." Congshu didn't feel at all, I trembled all over, so I pressed his hand on my face, "Congshu Forgive me! I am Xibao!" I shouted loudly, "Congshu!" My heart fell into the bottomless abyss. "Say something, anything." I begged him. "Congshu." He looked at me with an expression on his face that seemed to pity me and sympathize with me, a kind of pity, a little self-deprecating, he had this expression on his face. I said: "Congshu, I know you don't forgive me, at least you scold me a few words. Open your mouth, Congshu, I come to see you every day." He didn't say anything, just sat there, and finally closed his eyes. I sat for nearly an hour.Suddenly laughed.Life is so ridiculous, we can fold our hands and watch the arrangements and changes of fate, why struggle.I laughed until the nurse came and stared at me, then stood up and walked. I recognized the driver of Xu's family, he approached me and asked, "Miss Jiang, how is the young master?" I said, "He doesn't know me." The driver silently drove me back to Xu's house.Mrs. Xu greeted me again and held me back, "You've been away for so long." Congshu no longer recognizes me.I'm nothing to him now, he's sober, he's finally sober. She asked, "Did Congshu say anything?" "No," I said, "he's quiet." "Sometimes he is very noisy," Mrs. Xu said. I suddenly realized that she was old and very wordy, and no matter what I was, she seemed unwilling to let me go, as long as someone listened to her and talked with her, she was satisfied. I said, "I'm going back, and I'll see Congshu tomorrow." Madam Xu's tears fell down again, "You said he...does he still work?" "I don't know," I said, "I don't know." Not so long ago, a cold diamond could make my pulse quicken and exhilarate me, so ignorant and so happy, I can't imagine.That was just not so long ago. Back home on the top of the mountain, I drank a lot of wine and had dinner with Xu Cunzi. Xu Cunzi said, "Little drunkard." I smile.He seemed a little pleased. "Mr. Xu, who do you entrust your business to?" I asked. "You're not really interested in knowing, are you?" he asked. "No." I sighed, he could see through everything, and I was most afraid that he would know the current situation of Congshu. "Where were you this afternoon?" he asked. "Did you really see my wife?" He's worried about where I am again, which proves he's really pulled himself together.I said cautiously: "Yes, I went to see her and went to see Congshu." "What can you tell her?" Xu Cunzi asked. "She's different...much older and doesn't dislike me. She's...missing wisdom and worrying about forgiveness." "There is no news about Conghui," he said. "I sent a lot of people up to find her. This child is a waste of money." "Maybe she is no longer in Beijing, or she is in northern Jiangsu, or Inner Mongolia, after teaching one elementary school after another—" "Why didn't you write a letter?" Xu Cunzi said heartbroken. "Children seldom remember their parents," I said, "'There are many infatuated parents in ancient times, and those who are filial to their children and grandchildren will meet'." "A letter, I just want to see the words written in her own handwriting." "I think she is living a very good life. Jiaming said that her greatest happiness is her pursuit of benevolence." I argued. "But I just want to read one of her letters!" I remain silent.Xu Cunzi is not as good as ordinary old people, he does not accept comfort and enlightenment. After a while he asked, "How is Congshu?" "He talks a lot." I tried to be as calm as possible. "I said I don't want you to see him again." Xu Cunzi frowned. "He needs someone to talk to, he's lonely. You know him." "Him?" Xu Cunzi sneered, "Of course I know him! He's impatient in life, wishing to be sick for his self-respect, but he didn't want to be addicted, and the family is troubled for a while, and he is allowed to make trouble." I dare not make a sound. "I don't approve of your going to see him," he said. "Only I go to see him." I said, "Who else do you think? If I want to fall in love with him, I will marry him long ago. You may not be able to stop me." "You still talk to me in this tone!" Xu Cunzi suddenly became angry, "You know Congshu, if he seizes this kind of opportunity, how can he let you go?" "I promise he won't!" I said. "He's sick. He needs psychotherapy." Xu sneered, "I advise you not to take yourself too seriously. Do you think you are his heart medicine? Even he himself doesn't know what he wants!" "I have decided to see him tomorrow, and I will see him every day." I said patiently, "I hope he will be well, not for any other reason! Because he is your son." "He's not sick at all!" "When was the last time you saw him?" I asked back. He stopped ringing. "Let me see him." I begged. "You're always against me!" he said, "You refused to leave even when I told you to leave, you've become attached to me." His voice turned gentle, "You child." I walked up to him and he took me in his arms and I leaned my face against his chest. "Look," he said, "it's a pity that I'm finally going to die when I have time to accompany you." "As long as you are not dead now." I said stubbornly. "Little Treasure, I love you because of your vitality. A girl like you... the late old man can't help but want to conquer you. Even if he can't, it's good to borrow some light." I hugged him tightly. "Don't worry, I won't treat you badly." He murmured. "I don't want anything, you take everything back, I just want you." "I'm just a bad old man, take it all back, I'm just like every bad old man." "But you love me," I said, "and the other bad old men don't love me." "Which man doesn't love you? Say." "Until you showed up, no one loved me." He was moved, and so was I.We all took off our masks and faced each other honestly for the first time. I went to Cheung Chau Theological Seminary to find Song Jiaming. Meeting me in the porter's room, I shook his hand and called him "Brother Joseph." "Sister Jiang, you are fine too." He said softly, "Are you busy?" "Yes. I want to talk about the past, Brother Joseph, don't you mind?" "Of course I don't mind. God is the real God, and we don't run from the past." "Brother Joseph," I began, "do you remember a man named von Eisenbeck?" He startled, then calmed down.He replied, "He is no longer alive." "But in this case, is the client still in danger?" I asked. "There was a groom who accidentally fired his shotgun while hunting foxes and shot and killed von Eisenbeck. He is currently serving his sentence." I'm relieved. "He's going to get paid a lot when he gets out, it's a business," he said. I nodded, "Thank you, Brother Joseph." "The client has no legal problems. I don't know what his conscience is." He bowed his head. "What about you, Brother Joseph?" "I prayed about it day and night, asking God to save my soul." "Is this why you joined the religion?" I asked, "Are you all fleeing?" "No. I know the real and living God." "Okay, I believe you." I sighed. "How is everyone?" he asked obligingly. "Not good, not good. Especially Congshu. I went to see him yesterday, and he doesn't even recognize me." I said, "I want to discuss with you how to deal with this matter." He was shocked again, and his face changed slightly. "Mr. Xu doesn't know about this. I don't think he knows. It's as long as you keep it from him. But Congshu, I want to find a good doctor for him. I don't know if you can help me." "I can pray for you." "You are not a monk. You don't care about any worldly affairs. I need your help. Come with me to see Congshu this afternoon. Don't you do the work of visiting? Or are you not confident enough and afraid of being tempted?" I said. Brother Joseph remained calm, bowed his head and thought for a while, then said, "I'll go with you." "Thank you." I said. "Thank you Lord." I left Cheung Chau with him.The wind was strong on board, but we didn't say a word.This man is Brother Joseph, not Song Jiaming. Song Jiaming is the handsome brain doctor who wears a thin platinum watch, gray suit and silk tie.Song Jiaming's intelligence and wisdom, Song Jiaming's demeanor...but Song Jiaming is also dead. I look around at Brother Joseph—do I know him?not.We always yearn for religion, yearn for a better world after death, Western bliss, we yearn for happiness.Love is the most important factor that brings happiness, so we desperately pursue love, a little shadow is good. I told Jia Ming, "Life is really empty." He smiled. "King Solomon said life is a void within a void." "King Solomon? The Solomon with the Queen of Sheba?" "Yes, wise King Solomon." He nodded, "But look at the lily in the field, it neither plants nor reaps, but King Solomon's most prosperous time is not as good as it." I turned my head, I don't want to listen. It's not that I'm passionate, but I'm not a person who resigns himself to fate. Even if I made a big circle and returned to the original place, I died with my eyes closed after exhausting my efforts. "How are you lately?" he asked me. I nod. "Not bad, I'm still alive. I'm no longer as selfish as before, and now I understand the philosophy of giving and receiving better. My temper is also better, and I don't have so many complaints in my heart. Now... the water is flooding, and the soldiers are coming to stop me." I sighed for a long time. . "You still complain." He smiled. "Maybe." I said, "There is no one who doesn't complain." I also laughed, "It's meaningless to be a human being. Maybe priests and nuns also have troubles, but they are just too embarrassed to say it." He smiled without making a sound. I said, "It takes fifteen seconds to say the Lord's Prayer. I do it a lot." He is silent. I closed my eyes and meditated.He is willing to accompany me to see Congshu, I am already satisfied.In the past, when he arrived at any time, no one in the Xu family took him seriously, except that he was a special management secretary general.Now... people are so cheap. When the boat arrived, the driver was waiting for us at the pier.I let him get in the car first, but he didn't back down.Song Jiaming really forgot about himself completely.He used to have to wait for all the ladies to get on the bus. He is so brave.Can I learn from him?Can I forget myself? We arrive at the nursing home. Congshu is taking a nap. I feel thirsty and hungry.Song Jiaming knelt beside Congshu's bed and prayed. I went to the doctor to discuss: "We need a good doctor to see him exclusively." "The doctors here are the best." "He needs more attention." "He can be discharged home and will not be better." "What about foreign countries? Would Switzerland be better?" "General people are superstitious about foreign doctors, but here we have the most perfect equipment." "We want the patient to recover as quickly as possible." "Miss, there are many things that manpower cannot do, don't you understand?" "You mean, we're in the hands of God?" "You can say that." When I returned to the ward, Song Jiaming was still kneeling there praying, and Congshu had woken up, looking at him and me inexplicably. I still decided to transfer Congshu to the hospital.In fact, Song Jiaming couldn't help him with anything.I got Mrs. Xu's signature and transferred Congshu to another nursing home.The nurses were still just as mean, and the doctors just as aloof, but at least there was a shift. I set a daily schedule to see him at two o'clock in the afternoon, one hour a day. I read aloud to him.I talk to him.But got no reply. He's playing a deaf character. I beg him every day: "Forgive me, please talk to me, please." I even imitated Song Jiaming and prayed beside his bed.Days passed, and after many days, he didn't improve at all. The nutritious food brought by his family made him obese. He had to be taken care of by special nurses even when he went to the bathroom. The daily hospitalization fee was more than 700 Hong Kong dollars. Two months later, Xu Cunzi said, "How is Congshu doing?" "Same as usual." I didn't dare to say more. "I want to go out once," he said. "I'll go with you." I said without thinking. "No, you stay in Hong Kong." "Why? Is there any place I can't go? I'll just wait for you at the apartment." "I'm going to see Tim," he said, "to wrap up some business." "I must not be allowed to go?" “我去几天就回来。”他温和地说道，“你怕？” “打电话给我。”我说。 "I will." “看到漂亮的女孩子，少搭讪。”我说。 他没有笑。他只是说：“我难道不正拥有全世界最漂亮的女孩子？” 就在他走的第二天，聪恕开口讲话。 我在读《呼嘨山庄》。 他把头抬起来说：“今天天气好极了。” 我一惊，低着头，不敢表示惊异，但是心跳得发狂。 我翻过一页书，轻轻地读下去。 他站起来，踱到露台去，我又怕他发怒，又怕惊动他，一额头的汗。忽然记起诗篇第二十三篇，喃喃读：“我虽然经过死阴的幽谷，也不必害怕……” 聪恕说道：“今天的天气的确很好。”他的结论。 那日我赶到勖夫人那里，来不及把“好”消息告诉她。她听了，不说话，可是拥抱着我痛哭起来。 “为什么哭，他不是说话了？”我问。 “没有用的，然后他就开始发疯，把他隔离关一个月，锁住他，他又静一阵子，没有用的。” 我如顶头浇了一桶冷水。 “我不放弃。”我坚决地说。 过一天我读书的时候，聪恕把我的书抢过，一把撕得粉碎。我默默地看着他。他对我露齿狞笑。right.谁叫我对他疏忽了这么多年，我活该受他折磨。他扑过来打我，我推开他。他的力气大得出奇。 他用手出力地扼住我脖子，我用手扳开他无效，唤人铃就在身边，但是我没有按铃，这样子也好，让他扼死了我，我一按铃他就会被关进隔离室。忽然之间我自暴自弃起来——注定我会这样死吗？not necessarily. 渐渐的我身体轻起来，像飘在空中，视线模糊，失去听觉，但心头清醒得很。 终于聪恕绊跌了茶几，发出巨响，护士进来拉开他，扶起我。我什么也不说，看着聪恕在地上打滚，孔武有力的男护士把他按住，替他穿上白色的外套，把他双手反剪绑在背后，聪恕挣扎，开口尖叫恶骂，他开始说话，一分钟说好几十句。 我静静地听他叫着：“……给我……这些都是我的，你们偷我的东西！偷我的东西！” 护士们把他扯将出去，我蹲下来问他：“聪恕，我是喜宝，你认得我吗？我是喜宝。” 他瞪大眼睛看牢我，忽然张口吐得我一头一脸的唾味。 护士跟我说：“小姐，你回去吧。” 我心力交瘁地回到家中，不知道明天该不该再去看聪恕，我只觉万念俱灰。 辛普森说：“姜小姐，明天又是另外一天。” 我点点头，连说话的力气都没有。 “姜小姐，我看你还是把这件事告诉勖先生吧，这又不是你的错。” “这是几时开始的？”我问，“我只知道他在精神病院偷跑出来到英国看过我，情况很好，正像勖先生所说，他是故意生病挟以自重，怎么匆匆一年，就病成这样神智不清了？” 辛普森说：“姜小姐，连勖先生自那次之后，都没再见过他，你何必内疚？” 我掠掠头发。“我没有内疚。”我说，“我只觉得这是我的责任，病人应该有亲友陪伴，我明天会再去。” “有什么分别呢，姜小姐，他甚至认不出是你。” “对我来说，是有分别的。” “姜小姐——” 我按住她的手，辛普森不出声了。 我闭上眼睛问她：“可喜欢香港？” “美丽的城市，我很喜欢。” “我们也许就此安顿在这里，你有心理准备吗？”我问。 “我不介意，姜小姐，我为你工作这许多年了。” “辛普森太太，没有你，我还真不知怎么办？” 她微笑，“我们成习惯了。” “谁说不是呢。”我说，“既然如此，你就陪我到底也罢。” “勖先生最近精神仿佛好点儿，”她问，“他到底多大年纪？” “我真的不知道。”我说，“我知道他的事很少很少，他做的是什么生意我也管不着。” “有没有六十？”辛普森好奇地问。 “不止了。”我笑笑。 “你从来没有查过他？”辛普森问。 “查？怎么查？跑到他书房去翻箱倒箧？我不是那样的人。他怎么说，我怎么听，我怎么信。不然怎么办？我既没做过妻子，又不知道一个情妇有什么权利。” 辛普森隔一会儿说：“可是勖先生真的对你很好。” 我说：“他不错是对我好。他的方式不对。” “可是总结还是一样，他爱你。” “是。”我说，“世界上我只有他了。” “你可以依靠他。”辛普森说，“虽然他年纪大，但是他会照顾你一生一世。” “一生一世。”我复述，忽然大笑起来。 “我说了什么好笑的事吗？”辛普森愕然问。 “对不起。”我说，“我的一生一世，我真不明白，我的一生一世原来是这样的。” “有什么不好呢？”辛普森不明白。 “什么不好？”我反问。 “女人的最终目的难道不都如此？你现在要什么有什么。” 我马上问：“幸福呢？” “你还年轻，姜小姐，你才二十六岁，再隔十年，你爱嫁谁就嫁谁，幸福在你的双手中，一个女人手头上有钱，就什么都不必怕。” “有了钱什么都不必怕？”我笑问。 "nature." “我们中国有个伟大的作家叫鲁迅，当时有大学生写信问鲁迅：'作为大学生，我们应当争取什么？'鲁迅答大学生：'我们应当先争取言论自由，然后我才告诉你，我们应当争取什么。'假如有人来问姜喜宝：女人应该争取什么？我会答：让我们争取金钱，然后我才告诉你们，女人应当争取什么。”我大笑，“这唤作'姜喜宝答女人'。” 辛普森不知道是否真听懂了，她也跟着笑。 I sigh. 第二天，我去看聪恕，他用痰杯摔我。 我与勖夫人详谈：“通常他静一两个月，然后大闹一场，然后再静、再闹，是不是？” “是。”她又瘦又憔悴，像是换了一个人，只有说话的语气，仍是那么慢吞吞的，急也急不来，最心焦的时候只会流眼泪。 “多久了？”我问，“聪恕由假病变真病，有多久了？” "do not remember." “你想一想。”我说，“有一次他自疗养院走出来到英国，那时还是好好的。” “是，他去过英国，这我知道，约一年前的事，那次家明陪他回来香港，回来之后没多久，就恶化起来。” 我点点头，“才一年，是不是？” “是。姜小姐，你看他还有救没救？” “我不知道。”我说，“我正在设法。” “勖先生知道没有？”勖夫人问。 “他不知道。”我说，“他目前不在香港。” 勖夫人低下头，悲哀地说：“他现在什么都不跟我说了。” woman.在最困难的环境中还是忘不了争取男人的恩宠。 她瘦了这么多。本来肥胖的女人一旦瘦下来，脸上身上都剩一大把多余的皮肤，无去无从，看上去滑稽相。我相信欧阳秀丽以前必然是个美女，她有她那时候的风姿。美女，我们在年轻的时候都是美女。一朝春尽红颜老。这就是我的春天吗？忽然之间我只觉得肃杀。现在的勖存姿己非十年前的勖存姿，欧阳秀丽并不知足，她不晓得她拥有勖存姿最好的全部。 “他年纪已经大了，在外边做些什么，我不去理他，他也不让我理。”她眼睁睁地看着我，“但是你为什么这样为聪恕吃苦头？你原本可以置之不理。” “因为——”因为勖存姿爱我，因为勖聪恕从前也爱过我。 我每天去探望聪恕，我不再朗诵。我端张椅子，坐在他对面申诉。 我跟他说我幼年的事。我的恋爱，我的失意，我的悲哀，特别是我的悲哀。 我说：“我很寂寞，每次听到有人死了，我就害怕，你看人，说去就去了，从前消失在地面上，再也见不到他。像聪憩，她人死灯灭，什么也不知道，而我们却天天怀念她，我还年轻，是否应该做我想做的事？我虽然还年纪。但也不知道下午是否还能活着。真是矛盾。我们都应该快快乐乐过完这一辈子，哪儿来的这么多不如意的事。” 他静静地听。 我滔滔不绝地倾诉，有时不自禁地流下泪来，每次回家，都舒服得多。 两星期之后，勖存姿回来。我在飞机场接他。 他一见到我便说：“带我去见聪恕。” 我陪他上车。不出声。 “只有你知道聪恕在哪里，他在哪里？”勖存姿问。 “你不适宜见他。”我说。 “他是我的儿子！” “他逃不了，他会回来。” “让我见他。” “我不会带你去！” “没有人违反我的命令。” 我厌倦地说：“杀掉我吧，我违反了皇上的命令，对不起，我这次不能遵命。如果你相信我，那么把聪恕交给我，在适当的时候，他会来见你。” “他到底怎么了？” “他没有怎么样。谁给你提供错误的消息？” “错误的消息？为什么不让我见他？” “因为你在这一年内见过太多的死人病人，我不相信你的心脏可以负荷。” “他是我的儿子。” “是你老子你也帮不了他。” “你帮得了？”他暴怒。 “比你总好一点。” “喜宝，你以为我会永远找不到聪恕？” “你可不可以停止炫耀你的权势？如果你能找到每一个人，为什么你找不到勖聪慧？” 勖存姿一个耳光打过来。他用尽了他的力气，我一阵头晕，嘴角发咸。 He doesn't turn his head.我自手袋掏出手帕，抹干净嘴角的血，我的嘴唇肿了起来。 我平静地跟司机说：“停车。” 司机已经惊呆了，闻言马上把车子停下来。 我推开车门下车。