Chapter 3 Chapter 3 I wish you never be sad

During the more than two years together with Yang Hongnian, we have traveled to many places, including Belgium, New York, Germany, Paris, Japan, Spain, and Italy.For work, he and I travel most of the time, which makes me believe more and more that we depend on each other, even more than love. Yang Hongnian very much hopes to enter the international fashion industry, and he will pay any price for this. The last time we were together was in Italy. His plan to start a business in Milan was frustrated, and he took me to Venice. I found many exquisite and beautiful glass beads in a small shop selling glass in Venice, some glass beads were flat, and a golden fortress was hidden inside, some glass beads were fired with several glass strips glued together, cut After coming out, it becomes wavy, and there are mazes, wind chimes, and insects inside.

"I've never seen such beautiful glass beads." I picked up a large pile of glass beads and looked at them under the light. They were crystal clear and rolling on my palm, as if there was really a fortress inside. "Look!" I said to Yang Hongnian. He was in a bad mood and looked listless. I put the glass beads one by one into a glass bottle with a long neck, paid the owner, and left the glass shop. Yang Hongnian took me to the bar where "Heavenly Peach" was invented, and I finally tasted the freshest "Heavenly Peach". "I will not come to Italy again," he said.

"You don't have to come to Italy to be successful." I reassured him. "Crap! This is the capital of fashion, if you don't come here, why don't you go to Saudi Arabia to sell my fashion?" He said disdainfully. Tears came suddenly.I got up and left. "Let's break up," he said. "What do you mean?" I asked him back. "You don't love me at all," he said plaintively. "Who said that?" I cried and denied. "You just regard me as a benefactor, a benefactor." I stood there crying like hell.He was right, the love between us was never equal, I respected him and was depended on by him, but I never acted like a baby to him, and I was never afraid of losing him one day.If you are not afraid of losing, is it still love?

"You go, anyway, you will leave me sooner or later." He didn't even look at me. "I'm leaving, who will buy 'Heavenly Peach' for you in the future?" I choked up and asked him. "I don't need your pity! I'm a very successful fashion designer!" He scolded me loudly. I ran out of the bar and ran back to the hotel. The Fuchen clock I carry with me is telling me every minute that time goes by and so does love. He was going back to Hong Kong the next day, and Yang Hongnian didn't come back all night. The next morning, I was packing and he came back.

"Will you come back with me?" I asked him. He said nothing and packed his luggage. We took the water bus to the airport, and when the boat stopped, no one spoke, only a Venetian sitting next to us told us in broken English: "Venice is like a stage set, tourists are extras, today is windy, those men and women who are kissing passionately in St. Mark's Square all seem to be saying goodbye—" The ship arrived at the airport. "Goodbye." Yang Hongnian said to me. "Where are you going?" I froze. "You didn't even worry about where I went last night, and I haven't come back, and you can pack your bags." He said sadly.

I am speechless. He stayed in the boat without looking at me. He didn't even give me a parting kiss as the boat drifted away on the sea. The airport in Venice can also smell the sea. I sat there alone, and the smell of "heavenly peach" has drifted far away.I suddenly realized what a cruel person I was. At the moment of parting, I didn't feel sad, I just felt sad. Sadness and sadness are different. Grief is the loss of a lover. To be sad is to lose a traveling companion, a mentor.The moment he said goodbye to me and refused to look back at me, I just felt like he was saying to me:

"I have taught you everything I can teach you, so let's go." So I knew it was time to break up. I love another person for no reason, as if I know he will come back to me sooner or later.I wish him never to be sad, and hope that we can greet the reunion with joy.As for Yang Hongnian, it was just a mistake, and the person who stays in my life, I can't love him more. The plane took off and I was leaving Venice. "What do you plan to do in the future?" Liangmei asked me. "I wrote a letter of recommendation to go to New York to a fashion designer Carla Simon, hoping to work with him. I met her with Yang Hongnian in New York. She is very talented and will become a world-class designer sooner or later. However, I haven't heard back from her yet." I said as I packed my things, leaving for a month, the house was a mess.

"If you really want to go to New York, how long will you go?" "Maybe, I think it will take at least two or three years. Don't worry, if you marry Xiong Bi, I will definitely come back to attend your wedding. What does he plan to do after he gets his master's degree?" "He said he wanted to stay in school and continue his research." "He doesn't want to be a scientist?" I'm really worried about Xiong Bi.Liangmei has been in the society for three years. He is in charge of commercial litigation, and he faces a world of intrigue and deception every day.Xiong Bi has been hiding in the laboratory, unaware of the changes outside.

"Sometimes I feel like he's a man who refuses to grow up," Leung Mae said. "What's so good about growing up? When you grow up, you have to face a lot of pain." I said. "You were abandoned by Yang Hongnian, why don't you seem sad at all?" "I don't look sad?" "You definitely don't look like a lovelorn, you really don't love him at all." It's not that I never loved Yang Hongnian, I just couldn't let him occupy the most important position in my heart for a long time. I took the lemon yellow raincoat out of the suitcase and put it in the closet.

"Do you have a raincoat like this? Why haven't I seen it? It's beautiful!" Liangmei put on the raincoat. "I sewed it myself," I said. The raincoat was sewn that year so that Wenzhi could see me in the rain. I used to stand beside his locomotive and wait for him to come back. "I'll sew one for you," I said. "I want exactly the same as this one," Liangmei said. That day, when I was sewing a raincoat for Liangmei, the belt of the sewing machine suddenly broke.This manual sewing machine was left by my father. It has a history of 20 years at least. Although the function is not as good as that of the electronic sewing machine, I am used to it and like it.Pushing a sewing machine with hands and feet feels like making clothes, especially in the cold night, wearing the pair of gray wool socks that Wen Zhi gave me, stepping back and forth on the pedals of the sewing machine, as if Looking for a past.So, I have been reluctant to replace it.

There are very few people who can repair this kind of sewing machine, so I went to a nearby repair shop to try my luck. It was raining outside, so I put on my raincoat and went to the street. I visited several repair shops, but they all said they couldn't repair this old sewing machine. In the end, I went to a hardware parts store to find out if there was a belt for a sewing machine, and if so, maybe I could replace it myself. Walking into the store, a familiar figure was looking for nails in front of the shelves. After more than a year, it was Wenzhi's back. I stood behind him, not knowing whether I should go up to meet him or leave.The rain outside was getting heavier and heavier, neither recognizing each other nor leaving, time passed by, and I stood behind him, standing like a fool.We always meet in the rain, not we control the rain, but the rain controls us. "Miss, please borrow it, you are blocking the channel." The shopkeeper woke me up rudely. Wenzhi turned his head and saw me. We met again, neither did we recognize each other, nor did we leave. "Long time no see." He spoke first. "What are you buying?" I asked him. "Bought a few nails, a cabinet door came loose at home. What about you?" "The belt on my sewing machine is broken. I'll see if I have one of those belts here." "There won't be such a place. Do you use a manual sewing machine?" "Yes, it's an antique." I said with a smile, "If you can't repair it, you have to buy a new one. I've searched several places." "May I take a look for you?" "Can you fix a sewing machine?" I was surprised. "I used to have one at home." "Do you have time now?" He smiled and nodded: "If you are willing to take the risk, I don't mind if I might damage your antiques." "Anyway, it can't be worse than it is now," I said. "Where is your sewing machine?" "at home." "Liangmei said you just came back from Venice." "It's been two weeks since I came back. It's raining outside, do you have an umbrella?" "When I came, it was just drizzle, it doesn't matter, let's go." Wenzhi walked out of the shop first. When I came back from Venice, I planned to clean up the house, so the debris was piled up into a small hill. "Sorry, no time to clean up." I moved the debris away. "It seems that the only way to re-sew the broken place." He went to the sewing machine and studied it carefully. "In this case, the belt will be shorter." "So it takes a lot of effort to put the belt on. You are not strong enough as a girl." I sat down, re-sewed the belt, and handed it over to Wenzhi. It took a lot of work to put the belt back on, and he had two deep belt marks on his hands. "Try it," he said. I sat in front of the sewing machine and stepped on the pedal, and the sewing started to move. "Okay." I said. "Fortunately it wasn't broken," he said with a smile. "I'll pour you a cup of tea." I said standing up. The small hill made of sundries just collapsed, and a few photo albums fell at Wenzhi's feet, and Wenzhi picked them up for me. "Sorry." I said. "It's okay, can I have a look?" "of course can." I went into the kitchen and poured him a cup of tea.I tried to tell myself to face him in my room with a very calm mood. I went out with tea, Wenzhi was holding a photo album, staring at me blankly. "What's the matter?" I asked him. "This is me!" he said, pointing to a photo in the album. That black and white photo was taken in a park in Wan Chai when I was four years old.I was sitting on the swing, and just behind the swing set, a boy a little older than me came up and picked up the ball on the ground. "This is me!" Wen Zhi pointed to the boy in the photo and said. "It's you?" I take a closer look at the boy.He wore a crew-cut jacket, a sweatshirt with a Superman print, shorts, and a pair of leather shoes. He happened to look up at the camera, probably because he saw someone taking a photo in front of him. His eyes and nose look more and more like Wenzhi. "I also have a picture, which was taken wearing this outfit." Wen Zhi quickly took out a picture from his wallet in the park with his parents when he was a child, and showed it to me.In the photo, he is wearing the same clothes as the boy in my photo. "The background in the photo is also this park." Wenzhi said excitedly. I looked at him in the photo in disbelief.Before 1983, we had met long ago.A boy picking up a ball walks behind a girl playing on a swing, only to meet again almost twenty years later. I suddenly understood why I had been waiting for him to come back for no reason, he was mine in the first place. "I used to go to this park to play." Wen Zhi said. "me too." He looked at me for a moment, not knowing what to say. The migratory birds return, but the people who have been here all this time have other concerns, so what about the reunion?We can't embrace each other. "The tea is cold." I said. He took the teacup from my hand. "Did you visit your girlfriend?" I asked him deliberately. He sure did embarrass me. It turned out that he had not left her. "I might go to work in New York later," I told him. "How long are you going?" "If the designer is willing to hire me, it will take a few years. I am waiting for her reply." He said wistfully, "I hope you succeed." "thanks." "I won't bother you anymore. If the sewing machine breaks down again, you can ask me to fix it." He put down his teacup and said. "Okay." I sent him out. "goodbye." "thanks." I watched him enter the elevator, and suddenly remembered that it was raining heavily outside, so I hurried into the house, took an umbrella and chased after him. I ran to the lobby, and Wenzhi had already gone out. "Wenzhi!" I called to stop him. He turned his head, saw me catching up in the rain, and suddenly hugged me hard. "Don't go." He whispered in my ear. For many years, I have been longing for his hug, I am reluctant to wake him up, I am reluctant to let him hug, but he misunderstood. "I brought you an umbrella." I said sadly. Only then did he see the umbrella in my hand, and knowing that he had misunderstood, he let it go immediately. "I'm sorry." He said embarrassedly. "It's raining heavily, take it." I put the umbrella in his hand. "Thank you." He took the umbrella from my hand. "I'm going back." I said. "Goodbye," he said sadly. "Thank you." I ran into the building and watched him walking lonely on the road with an umbrella. "Wen Zhi!" I ran up to him again. He looked back at me. "I'm not going to give you an umbrella this time!" I threw myself into his arms. "Can you wait for me?" He asked me suddenly. "I don't mind—" I answered him. "No." He said seriously, "I don't want you to be the third party. I'll go over there and make it clear to him—" I didn't expect him to be willing to do this. "I'm going back to the TV station to ask for leave now. I haven't had a vacation in the past few years, so it should be fine—" "You don't have to do this—" "If I don't need to do this, I don't need to wait until now." He gently wiped off the drops of water on my face, "I don't want to regret it anymore. Promise me, don't go." I nod through tears. "You go home, I'm going back to the TV station now." Holding the photo album, I hid in the house alone, took out the photos of our childhood encounters, and put them in my hand.I found a magnifying glass and took a closer look at the boy in the photo.Yes, he is Wen Zhi, those trustworthy eyes have not changed since he grew up. An hour later, I received a call from Wen Zhi. "I've got my vacation and I'm taking the earliest flight to San Francisco tomorrow." "Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked him again and again. "Sure." He said firmly. "Did you ever love her?" "Yes." He admitted frankly. "I just wanted to tell you that I, too, once loved another person." "I know." "No, when you saw me and him in the car, we hadn't started yet, that was later." "Do you still love him?" "We have separated, maybe, I am not the one who broke up with you outside the school more than two years ago—" "You're still the little girl on the swing," he said softly. If possible, I just want to get back the lost two years, and I hope that there will never be a Yang Hongnian in my life.I can save the best for Wenzhi. "I'm staying in the cutting room tonight to edit Sunday night's 'News Feature' and would love to meet you—" he said. "I'm waiting for you--" "No, I may be busy until tomorrow morning." "Can I drop you off tomorrow?" "Didn't you say you don't like parting?" He asked me over the phone. "We're not parting—" I don't know if it's stupid, but I took out all the photos I had when I was a child and looked at them carefully, especially the ones taken in that park.I want to see if Wenzhi will appear in my other photo. Only this one, he broke into my life. The next morning, I saw him off at the airport. "I'm only going for two days, and I'll be back after talking to her," he told me. I once blamed his mother-in-law for refusing to leave a woman he no longer loves. He could have made a long-distance call to explain it to her, but he chose to face it.I don't mind being a third party, but he doesn't want to deceive anyone.What else can I complain about? "I'll call you back when I get there." He said hugging me. I stared at him, unable to bear to say goodbye. "You'll be back, won't you?" "of course." "Will things really go that smoothly?" "Do not you trust me?" "It's not that I don't believe you, but there are always many variables in the world, just like tomorrow's rain, which is beyond your and my control." I don't want to let him go and I'm terrified that he won't come back.On the second day of our reunion, I let him go and let him go back to that woman.Will she not let him go?Will he forget me when he sees her? "I'm going in, I'll be back soon." He rubbed my face and said. I let go gently. "Goodbye." He kissed me deeply. "Wenzhi—" I stopped him. "What's the matter?" he asked me back. "Can you buy some glass beads and bring them back to me? Any color is fine." "Why do you suddenly fall in love with glass beads?" He asked me with a smile. "There's no reason—" I said. He waved me goodbye. I didn't fall in love with glass beads all of a sudden, I just hoped that he would remember me and that he would remember his promise to me during the journey. The bright and colorful glass beads rolling on the palm of the hand are also as touching as a promise. "Will Cao Xueli agree to break up?" Liangmei asked me. "I have no idea." "If I were you, I'd go with him." "It's so embarrassing, it seems to threaten him to break up with another woman." "What if he suddenly becomes soft-hearted and can't speak when he sees her? Maybe she will force him to marry. " "He won't lie to me, he's not that kind of person. If he can't speak when he sees her, it proves that he still loves her, and it doesn't mean for me to bully him. " "You have to know that if a person is not by your side, it means that he is not within your control." "And what is within our control?" I smiled wryly. In the evening, Wenzhi's long-distance call came. "I'm in San Francisco," he told me. "Does she know you're here?" "I'll call her later, and I'll be there tomorrow. I'll be back on Cathay Pacific flight 216 the day after tomorrow." "I'll pick you up." "Ok." I happily hung up the phone, thinking that after two days everything would be fine. Things are always wrong.The next day, I read about the San Francisco earthquake on the evening news. The 6.9-magnitude earthquake lasted for 15 seconds. The entire Oakland Bridge and Highway collapsed, killing people and paralyzing the whole city. Why did it happen at this time?Could it be that Wenzhi and I are destined to pass each other in this life? Liangmei called and asked me: "Did you see the news?" "What should I do now?" I asked her hesitantly. "I'll find a way with my brother." After Liangmei hung up, I called Wenzhi's hotel, but the phone couldn't be connected anyway. If he can come back safely, I would rather give him to Cao Xueli.I would trade a lifetime of loneliness in exchange for his life.Doesn't the sign in the happiness cake say that I will never be sad? "My brother doesn't have Cao Xueli's phone address over there. He will find a few major newspapers to see which one she works for. In addition, he has already found a reporter in San Francisco to find a way." Liangmei called. Fang Weizhi finally found the address and phone number of Cao Xueli's home.She didn't go to work, and the newspaper had no news of her. I can't call Cao Xueli in person, if she answers the phone, what identity should I use to call her?I can only ask Liangmei to call her. "The phone can't be connected no matter what." Liangmei said, "The traffic in the city has been paralyzed these days, and the communication equipment has also been paralyzed. It seems that there will be no news so soon. Besides—" She hesitated to speak. "What's up?" "The reporter will follow up the list of dead and injured." I couldn't help sobbing.Why should I reunite with him?If we hadn't met again, he wouldn't have left. "Just follow the routine." Liangmei comforted me. "I know." "Would you like me to come and accompany you?" "No, I'm fine, I'll wait for his call." "Okay then, I will try to call Cao Xueli's house again." I was left alone in the small room, waiting for a call from a man who didn't know if he was still alive. I didn't say goodbye to him, never, why should I never see him again?I can not be reconciled. Day and night, no news at all. He promised to bring me back a bag of glass beads.He's a man of his word, I know that. Curled up in bed sadly, I revisited that photo of our childhood encounter. When leaves are scattered, you know how to get together. We only got together for a short while, and I still remember the residual warmth on his shoulders.Can an earthquake destroy our fate of more than 20 years? The phone rang suddenly, and I quickly picked up the receiver. "Dragonfly, it's me." It was Wenzhi's voice. "Where are you?" I asked him, "I'm so worried." "In San Francisco, I'm fine." His voice is heavy. "Did something happen?" "Shirley and her family's house collapsed in the earthquake, her father was crushed to death, and her feet were injured and she is now in the hospital." "Is the injury serious?" "She has plaster casts on both feet and will be recuperating in the hospital for a while." "Oh, that's right." He was silent, and I probably thought of something. "I'm sorry, she's so sad, I can't—" he said. "Needless to say, I understand." I suddenly felt absurd that he almost belonged to me; an earthquake broke our love, but created his alluring love with another woman.Could it be that he and I are destined not to be together for the rest of our lives?Fate is playing tricks on us. But he's safe, what more could I ask for?Didn't I promise to give him to her?Didn't I promise to exchange his life for a lifetime of loneliness?I can only keep my promise with great pain. "You take good care of her." I said. He is silent. I held the microphone and begged him to say something about missing me, but I only heard his heavy breathing. How I was afraid that I would never hear his voice again, and now I hear it, but it is not what I want to hear. "Long distance calls are expensive." I finally broke the terrible silence.Instead of hearing him say sorry again, let me end it. "Yeah." He replied helplessly. "Don't do this, it's not your fault." I turned to comfort him. "Hang up." I said. "Goodbye," he said. "I hope you will never be sad." I said, holding back tears. The TV news showed the appearance of San Francisco after the earthquake, and the entire market was in ruins, which also buried my love. A few days later, I received a letter from New York. Carla Simon replied that I was welcome to work with her and asked when I could leave. She issued a work permit for me.At the end of the letter, she wrote these lines: "The earthquake in San Francisco was terrible. You don't have any relatives there, do you?" Yes, I don't even have my only relative. At noon on the day I went to the consulate to go through visa procedures, Liangmei and I had lunch. "Are you really going to New York?" "I have already applied for a work permit, not to mention this is a rare opportunity. I have always wanted to go to New York." "If San Francisco hadn't had an earthquake, you wouldn't have gone there." "But I can't stop the earthquake from happening." "My brother said that Xu Wenzhi will be back in a few days." "I'm leaving in a few days, and the house has been rented out." "I'm starting to think he's a bit of a mother-in-law—" "Maybe that's why I like him. This kind of man, when you are no longer young and your body is declining, he will not leave you." "What about Yang Hongnian, hasn't he come back since he stayed in Venice?" "I have no news from him." "He loves you very much—" "I know." "Why didn't you choose him? He was your first man." "He changed too fast. He loves you very much today, but you don't know if he will love you the same tomorrow. Other women may like this kind of man, but I am an insecure woman. Life is wandering enough, I don't want to fall in love like that." "How long will it take to go to New York this time?" "I don't know, maybe two or three years." "Why does such a decisive man immediately become indecisive once he is caught between two women?" "Maybe it's because he's a good man that he's hesitant." "Then you shouldn't leave. Whoever waits until the end is the winner." "If you have to wait until the end to get a man, what's the point? I'd rather be a loser, although I, like Yang Hongnian, hate failure." I smiled wryly, "The house is back, but there are some things I won't take with me. Can I put it in your place?" "of course can." When I was packing things at home, for some reason, I had a feeling that this time, I would be away for a long time.I can't stand waiting for a man to choose.Love is not a multiple choice question. At this time, the phone rang. "I am back." It was Wenzhi's voice. "I'm nearby, can I come out and meet you?" "Twenty minutes later, wait downstairs." I said. I can't bear to reject him, maybe I will never see him again. He came to me on his motorcycle. I stepped into the car, without saying anything, I hugged his waist with all my heart, and pressed my face against his back. He was speeding on the road in light wind and rain, he had never tried to drive so fast, maybe, at that leaping speed, he could escape from time; and only in this way, he could forget the pain and reality , forgetting that he still has another woman he can't let go of.I clung to him tightly, intoxicated by the desolate gallop. Finally, he stopped the car, and even though we were reluctant, we came back to reality and pulled away from the drifting hours. "I'm going to New York in two days," I told him. "Carla Simon has agreed to let me be her assistant." He was silent. "Why don't you congratulate me? This is a rare opportunity." I said sadly. "Sorry, I can't make you stay." He said sadly. "I've always been a restless person." I comforted him. "it's my fault--" "No. Do you know what I was thinking during the San Francisco earthquake? I'm willing to trade for your safety, and I will keep my promise. Besides, you are not the kind of man who can hurt two women." "Do you have to go?" "Have you ever heard of a kind of insect called the coir raincoat insect? The coir raincoat insect lives in the coir raincoat made of leaves all its life, stays at home, and spins and eats the leaves when it is hungry. When it comes to mating time, it just comes out of the coir raincoat Stretch out your head and chest, wait for the male moths to come, mate in the straw rain cape, and then die old age in the farmer's straw rain cape. I don't want to be this kind of insect." "You say you hate parting, but you always want to part-" He stared at me sadly. "I will never forget you in my life. If I am with you every day, I may forget you in the future. This is the benefit of parting. In memory, everyone is young and everything is good." I told sadly he. He hugged me hard and I rested my chin slightly on his shoulder. "You know what? I feel blessed to be able to rest my chin on your shoulder like this." He pressed his face against mine. "If I could be a part of your body, do you know what part of you I want to be?" He shook his head. "I want to be your eyes, then I can see what you see, maybe I can understand what you do better." I looked at him and said. He hugged me hard and wouldn't let go. "If this goes on, I'm going to die." I gasped. He finally let go gently. "Do you remember that I still owe you something?" He took out a bag of lake-green glass beads from his pocket. I thought he had forgotten. "After the earthquake, can I still buy glass beads?" I was stunned. "I promised you." I put the glass beads in my hands. Inside the twelve lake-green glass beads, there were twelve national flags of different countries. "I hope that the clothes you design can be sold in these twelve countries in the future." "Thank you." He looked at me dejectedly. I stepped into the car and said to him, "I want to ride in your car again." He started the engine and I clung to him from behind, weeping, reveling in that silent, pathetic leap again, forgetting that we would never see each other again. Finally, it was time to break up. I jumped out of the car, wiped away my tears, and held the glass beads he gave me under the dim street lights. "I hope to have the opportunity to make an evening dress out of these beads in the future," I said sadly. "That must be beautiful." "May I come to see you off?" "Didn't you say don't say goodbye? May you never be sad." I hugged him and let him go. "You make me feel useless like this," he said sadly. "It's me who is useless." I covered my face, not letting myself cry.Tears flowed down disobediently. "I'm going back!" I turned and ran into the mansion, leaving him in the breeze. One day before leaving Hong Kong, I made an appointment with Liang Mei to go to that Indian restaurant for dinner. "Are you still in the mood to eat?" she asked me. "No, I just want to divination the future." The tray of happiness cookies arrived. "I want to do divination too." Liangmei took a piece of cake first.The sign in the cake is: "That's right." Liangmei said. I closed my eyes and smoked a piece. "What is the signature?" Liangmei asked me. The signature is: Yes, there is only one him. In November 1989, I arrived in New York alone with the glass beads I bought in Venice and given to me by Wenzhi. Carla Simon's studio was on Seventh Street, and I rented a small house in Greenwich Village and took the bus to work every day. Like Hong Kong, New York is a fast-paced city with blurred faces.I've made friends with whom I can spend weekend nights. Kara is different from Yang Hongnian. Yang Hongnian is an extremely willful person, but Kara is a very disciplined designer.She just finished the divorce procedure with her husband in the morning, and returned to the studio to continue working in the afternoon.After returning, she just said lightly: "You don't have to quarrel with him every day, you can concentrate on your work in the future—" Kara loves her husband very much. He is also a fashion designer. The two of them survived together. She became famous and left him far away. He fell in love with his female assistant. "When it comes to fame, women often pay a higher price than men," Carla said. Yes, every woman wants the man she loves to be famous, but not every man wants his woman to be famous too. In New York for half a year, I haven't been to Chinatown, and I deliberately don't know everything about Hong Kong, but I haven't forgotten Wenzhi because of it.Every night, I look at the twelve glass beads with the national flag that he gave me in the glass bowl, which is the reason for my hard work in the cold foreign land.Every piece of clothing I make is for him. That day, in the mailbox, I received a letter from Liangmei from Hong Kong. Are you OK? As time goes by, the more I want to forget him, the clearer the impression.He has many flaws, he is indecisive, he has no courage, he does not show up at the right time, when I am so alone, he is not there for me.However, because he is so far away from me, all the shortcomings can be forgotten, only the miss can't be erased. A week before Easter, when I returned to the studio, Carla held my hand mysteriously and said: "Who do you see coming?" Yang Hongnian came out of her room. After breaking up in Venice, I haven't seen him for more than half a year.He is still the same. "Long time no see," he said. "when did you come?" "I just arrived yesterday, I didn't expect you to work here." "She's very talented," Carla praised me. "Of course, I taught her." Yang Hongnian was always proud. "How long will you be in New York?" I asked him. "A few days. Where do you live?" "Greenwich Village." "It's nice there." "The house I live in is very old. When are you free to have a meal together?" "How are you tonight?" "Tonight? No problem." "Would you like to come to your house and have a look at your old house?" "OK." At eight o'clock in the evening, Yang Hongnian came, holding a bouquet of red roses in his hand. "For you." "You never send me flowers, thank you." I put the roses in the vase. "What do you want to drink?" "whatever." "You're not willing to drink anything." I took out a bottle of "Heavenly Peach" from the refrigerator and gave it to him. "Thank you." He smiled. "Where have you been these days? Didn't expect to see you in New York—" "Kara told me that you are here, and I came here to see you." I was stunned for a moment, I thought he was passing by here. "Nothing, just wanted to see you," he added. "Thank you, I'm doing well here." He picked up the photo frame I put on the desk, and in it was the photo of me playing on the swing in the park when I was a child. "Is this a picture of you when you were a child?" "Ok." "I've never seen—" He was completely unaware that there was a boy picking up a ball in the photo.Who else would notice it except me and Wen Zhi? "Is it cold?" I asked him.I heard him sneeze. "No--" "New York is too cold," I said. I still wear the pair of woolen socks that Wenzhi gave me. "Do you have many pairs of these wool socks?" he asked me. "Why do you ask that?" "I see you wearing these socks every winter." "No, I only have this pair—" "Is there any special significance in that?" "No, it's just that these socks are especially warm on the feet." I brought out the dinner: "It's ready to eat." "What did you learn from Kara?" I thought about it carefully and said: "Her design looks very simple, but every detail is well done. It doesn't look like much, but it is first-class when worn." "You haven't learned yet," he said angrily. I don't quite understand, I ask myself that I have learned from Kara very hard. "What you have to learn is her hands." "Hands?" "She can cut out an evening dress directly by spreading a piece of slippery fabric on the model with ten fingers without drawing patterns or cutting paper plates." “是吗？”我愕然，我从没见过卡拉这样做。 “她出道的时候就是这样。” “很厉害！”我不得不说。 “最重要的，是你的一双手。”他捉着我双手说，“要信双手的感觉。你要亲手摸过自己做的衣服，一吋一吋的去摸，你才知道那是不是一件好衣服。你学不到这一点，跟着卡拉多少年也没有用，她没教你吗？” 我摇头：“谁会像你那样，什么都教给我？” 我忽尔明白，他那样无私地什么都教给我，是因为他真的爱我。 “谢谢你。”我由衷地对他说。 “你已经有一年多没有作品。”我关心他。 “我的灵感愈来愈枯竭——”他用手摩挲我的脸，情深地望着我。 “不要这样——”我垂下头。 他沮丧地站起来，拿起大衣离开。 “谢谢你的晚饭。” "where are you going?" “到处逛逛。” “要不要我陪你去——” “算是尊师重道吗？”他冷笑。 我没回答他。 “再见。”他说罢径自离开。 他走了，我静静地看着自己双手，我要相信自己双手的感觉。当他捉着我双手时，我没有爱的感觉，也许不是没有，而是太少，少得无法从掌心传到身体每一部分。他拥有一切应该被一个女人爱着的条件，可是，却遇上了我。是他的无奈，还是我的无奈？ 他走了之后，没有再回来。 一天，我从工作室回到家里，发现门外放着一个精致的藤篮，篮子里有五只复活蛋，还放满了一双双羊毛袜，有红色的、绿色的、蓝色的、格子的。篮里有一张卡，卡上写着： 那是杨弘念的字迹，是用他那支PANTEL 1.8CM笔写的。 他根本不明白我为什么经常穿著那一双袜。 我把篮子拿进屋里，他还在纽约，不是说好要走的吗？ 以为他会出现，他偏偏没有。到了夏天，还见不到他。他总是不辞而别。 九月中，收到良湄从香港寄来的信。 收到良湄的信之后两天，杨弘念突然出现。 那天晚上，他拿着一束红玫瑰来找我。 "Where have you been?" I asked him. “一直在纽约。” “你在纽约干什么？” “我就住在巴士站旁边的房子。” “什么？”我吓了一跳。我每天早上在巴士站等车，从不知道他就住在旁边。 “你为什么会住在这里？” “我喜欢可以每天看见你在巴士站等车。”他深情地说。 “你为什么要这样做？”我哀哀地问他。 “我也不知道。你的花瓶放在哪里？我替你把花插好。” 我把一个玻璃花瓶拿给他。 他在花瓶注了水，抓起一撮文治送给我的玻璃珠。 “你干什么？”我问他。 他把玻璃珠放在花瓶里，说：“这样比较好看，你干嘛这么紧张？” "nothing." “有没有喝的？我很口渴。” 我在冰箱里拿了一瓶“天国蜜桃”给他。 “你一直为我预备这个吗？”他乍惊还喜的问我。 “不，只是我也爱上了这种口味——”我淡淡的说。 他显然有点儿失望。 他把那一瓶玫瑰插得很好看，放在饭桌上。 “我从来不知道你会插花。”我说。 “还有很多关于我的事情你也不知道——” “是的，譬如我不知道你为什么忽然爱上红玫瑰？以你的个性，你不会喜欢红玫瑰，玫瑰毕竟是一种太普通的花，而且是红玫瑰。” “你知道玫瑰为什么是红色的吗？” “难道是用血染红的吗？”我打趣地说。 “是用夜莺的血染红的。” “夜莺的血？” “波斯有一则传说，每当玫瑰花开时，夜莺就开始歌唱，对它倾诉爱意，直至力竭声嘶，痴醉于玫瑰的芳香，随即倒落于玫瑰树枝下。 “当夜莺知道玫瑰被阿拉真神封为花之女王时，它非常高兴，因而向吐露芬芳的玫瑰飞了过去，就在它靠近玫瑰时，玫瑰的刺刚好刺中它的胸口，鲜红的血将花瓣染成红色。 “如今波斯人仍然相信，每当夜莺彻夜啼叫，就是红玫瑰花开的时候。”他痴痴地望着我。 “夜莺太笨了。”我说。 “所有的爱情都是这样吧，明知会流得一身血，还是挺起胸膛拍翼飞过去。” 我当然明白他的意思，我只是无法明白，他为什么甘心情愿化作那可怜的夜莺。 他轻轻地摩挲我的脸，手停留在我的眼睛上。 “别这样，有刺的。” “我也不介意流血。我喜欢这样抚摸你的眼睛，我真想知道你的瞳孔里有没有我。” I couldn't hold back my tears. “别哭。”他抱着我。 为什么会是他？ 为什么总是他？ 难道他才是我厮守终生的人？在时间的洪流里，在我们无法控制的光阴里，浮向我生命的，就是他。 在寂寞的纽约，在寂寞的日子里，我再找不到理由拒绝这多情的夜莺。 杨弘念仍旧住在巴士站旁边的房子里，我们再一次相依。他在洛杉矶有一丬以自己名字为名的时装店，每星期他要飞去洛杉矶一次。每个星期，我们要分开两至三天，这样最好，他不在的时候，我会思念他。 他没有再送我红玫瑰，也许他已忘了自己曾化身夜莺。男人就是这样，得到了，又忘记了如何得到。 九零年十二月平安夜那天，我独个儿在屋里，有人按门铃。 我以为是杨弘念过来找我，站在门外的却是文治。他拿着行李袋，站在我面前，我差点不敢相信自己的眼睛。一年没见了，竟然好象昨天才分手。 “是良湄把你的地址告诉我的。”他微笑说。 “你刚下机吗？” 他点头：“圣诞快乐。” “圣诞快乐。”我让他进来。 “你为什么会来纽约？” 他傻呼呼的欲言又止。 “你就住在这里？”他环顾我的房子。 “是的，外面很冷。要不要喝杯咖啡什么？” “谢谢。你习惯纽约的生活吗？” “我很容易适应一个新地方。” “我跟曹雪莉分手了。”他突然告诉我。 我愕了一下，为什么他现在才跟她分手？为什么不早一点？ “是谁提出的？”不知道为什么，我很关心这一点。 “是她提出的。” 我很失望，曹雪莉不要他了，他才来找我。 “她爱上了别人吗？”我问他。 “不。她爸爸在地震中死去，她自己也受了伤，也许这种打击令她成熟了不少吧。我到过旧金山探望她一次，我们每个星期都有通电话，大家愈来愈像朋友，也愈来愈发现我们不可能走在一起。 “那天，在电话里，她告诉我，那次地震的时候，她知道我为什么去找她，她看得出我想跟她分手，但是当时她很伤心，她很自私地不想我离开她——” “看来她还是爱你的——” “你会和我回去香港吗？”他突然问我。 “你来就是说这句话？” 他茫然地望着我。 “为什么你不早点来？我等了你这么久，你现在才出现，你不觉得太迟吗？” “是不是情况不一样了？”他难堪地问我。 “你以为我永远在等你吗？你以为你是谁？我要用我所有的青春来等你？我在这里一年了，你为什么现在才来找我？为什么要等到她不要你，才轮到我？我最需要你的时候，你在哪里？”私歇斯底里地质问他。 “对不起，我认为先把我和她之间的事解决了，对你比较公平，否则我说什么也是没用的。” 我气得骂他：“你不是男人来的！所有男人都可以一脚踏两船！” 我不知道我为什么这样骂他，他是一个好男人，他不想欺骗任何人，我却恨他不骗我。他早就不该告诉我他有女朋友，他该把我骗上床，然后才告诉我。 He looked at me, not knowing what to say.也许，他千里而来，是希望看到我笑，希望我倒在他的怀里，跟他回去，没想到换来的，却是我的埋怨。 “你说得对，我不是个男人，我也没权要求你无止境地等我。”他难过地说。 我咬着唇：“是的，你没权这样浪费一个女人的青春。” “我只是希望你和我一起回去。”他以近乎哀求的语调跟我说。 “如果时钟倒转来行走，我就跟你回去。”我狠心地说。 他站在那里，红了眼眶，说： “对不起，我没法令时钟可以倒转来行走，是我没用。” “我也不可以。”我凄然说。 “希望你幸福——”他伤心地说。 "Thank you." “再见——” “珍重。” 我站在窗前，看着他，拿着行李，孤单地走在街上。四处张灯结彩，他是特意来和我共度圣诞的吧？他准备了最好的圣诞礼物给我，可是这份礼物来得太迟了。 为什么光阴不可以倒流？只要他早三个月出现，我就可以跟他回去。 我不能这样对杨弘念，我不能那样无情地对待一个爱我的人。我害怕将来我所爱的人，也会这样对我。 他走了，也许不会再回来。 杨弘念抬了一株圣诞树回来。 “这是你在纽约过的第一个圣诞节吧？”他问我。 “不，是第二个。”我说，“不过却是第一个家里有圣诞树的圣诞节。” 我用一块银色的布把整株圣诞树罩着。 “你干什么？”他问我。 “这样看来比较漂亮。”我任性地说。 “你没什么吧？”杨弘念温柔地抱着我。 "nothing." “你有没有想念香港？”他问我。 "Why do you ask that?" “我忽然有点想念那个地方。要不要回去？” “不。”我坚决地说。 远处传来圣诞的音乐。 他用手揉我的眼睛，揉到了我的泪水。 "Are you crying?" “音乐很动人。”我撒了一个谎。 文治不一定能够立刻买到机票回去香港，说不定他还在机场，孤单地等下一班机。 两天后，我打了一通电话给良湄。 “不告诉你，只是想你惊喜一下，文治也是，我们希望你有一个难忘的圣诞节。”她说。 我太久没写信给她了，没告诉她，杨弘念又回到我身边。 “那怎么办？”良湄问我。 “他有找你吗？” “他还没回来呀，在电视上看不到他。” “不可能的，他两天前已经走了。” “那么，他也许躲在家里吧。” 一天之后，杨弘念要去洛杉矶，我送他到甘乃迪机场。 在巴士上，他问我：“为什么突然要送机？你从来不送我机的。” “不是做每一件事都有原因的。”我淡淡的说。 在机场送别了杨弘念，我到处去找文治，他不可能还留在纽约的。即使他在机场，也不一定就在甘乃迪机场。 虽然那样渺茫，我却努力地寻找他。 告示牌上打出往香港的班机最后召集。 我立刻飞奔到登机闸口，一个人在后面轻轻拍我的肩膀，我兴奋地回头，站在我跟前的，却是杨弘念。我给他吓了一跳。 “你在这里找谁？”他阴沈地问我。 “你不是已经登机了么？”我立刻以另一条问题堵截他的问题。我是一个多么差劲的人。 “飞机的引擎出了问题，我改搭下一班机。” “哦，是吗？”我失神地说。 “你在找人吗？” 我再无法避开他的问题。他刚才一定看到了我回头那一刻，表情是多么的高兴，我以为轻拍我肩膀的，是文治。 “不是的，我只是想在这里随便逛逛。”我说。 “机场有什么好逛呢？”他微笑说。 我这才松了一口气。 “要我陪你等下一班机吗？”我问他。 “不，下一班机一小时后就出发，我要进去了。”他轻轻地吻了我一下。 往香港的那班机大概已经起飞了，我只好独自回家。 两天后，良湄打电话给我说： “徐文治回来了，我在新闻报告里看到他，样子很憔悴呢。” “他什么时候回来的？” “昨天。我打电话给他，仔说这几天都在甘乃迪机场里，大概是惩罚自己吧。” 他的确是坐那班机离开的。为什么生命总是阴差阳错，失之交臂？ 我整天望着手上的浮尘子钟，分针怎么可能倒转行走呢？ 晚上，杨弘念从洛杉矶打电话回来给我。他从来不会在洛杉矶打电话给我，尤其工作的时候。按时打电话给女朋友，从来不是他的习惯。 "What's the matter?" I asked him. “我想知道你是不是在家里。” “我当然在家里。” “那没事了。” “你打电话来就是问这个问题？”我奇怪。 “我想听听你的声音。”他说。 自从文治来过之后，他就变得很古怪。 几天之后，他从洛杉矶回来，一踏进门口，就抱着我不肯放手，问我： “你有没有挂念我？” 我该怎么回答他？我的确没有挂念他。 我吻了他一下，用一个差劲的吻来堵塞他的问题。