Chapter 5 Chapter 4 The Bluest Piece of Sky

Holding the few books I just bought, I huddled among a group of strangers to shelter from the rain.The cars on the road were jammed together and it was difficult to move. It seemed that Han Xingyu was going to be late. The first rain in that early summer was dense and continuous, with occasional thunder, and the gray sky seemed to be about to fall to the ground.A black shadow rushed in and instantly turned into a person.The man stood beside me, staring at me blankly.I turned around and saw Lin Fangwen. I looked at him, and he looked at me.After a silence, he said first: "Do you want to buy books?"

"Oh, yes." I replied. He looked into my arms and asked: "What book?" I suddenly forgot what book I bought. He stood there waiting for an answer, a little embarrassed, probably thinking I didn't want to tell him. I took out the book I bought from the green paper bag in my arms and showed him. "That's it." I said. "Oh——" He took the book in my hand and read it carefully for a while. I forgot the book I bought, maybe because I remembered something else.Isn't the thunderstorm in front of you familiar?Two years ago, we stood under an old banyan tree to shelter from the rain. I asked him if we would be together on June 30, 1997. I didn't expect to have an answer two years later.On the New Year's Eve of the millennium, we will not be together.Why should I say goodbye to him?Seeing him again, the past happened again like yesterday.Turning around suddenly, I found that the outside of the bank where we sheltered from the rain was covered with posters of Gomel's concert.Who arranged this reunion?

When I saw those posters, Lin Fangwen also saw them.In a short period of time, we once thought that we would stay together forever with a person, but later, we realized how far away a dream it is to stay together for a long time? I looked in the direction of the car, when will Han Xingyu come?I wanted him to come, but I was also afraid of him coming. "Are you waiting for someone?" Lin Fangwen asked. I nodded. After a long silence passed, he finally said: "It's gray." "yes." He looked up at the gray sky and said: "Where is the bluest sky?"

I saw Han Xingyu's car. "My friend is here." He hurriedly returned the book to me. I climbed into Han Xingyu's car, covered in rain powder. "Have you been waiting for a long time?" Han Xingyu held my hand. "No." I said. The car drove away slowly, and I saw Lin Fangwen getting smaller and smaller in the mirror.His face, which was resting in the rain, became more and more blurred.In my heart, there is the song he gave me on New Year's Eve that year. Why did he seem to have expected this reunion and parting, and also expected this rainy day? "Is that person your friend just now?" Han Xingyu asked me.

"It's my ex-boyfriend." I said. He smiled and didn't answer. "Where's the bluest sky?" I asked. "The sky in Tibet is the bluest, and it is the closest to the sky," he said. "yes?" "Well. During the summer vacation when I was ten years old, I traveled to Tibet with my parents. The sky was so blue! I don't know if it's because the sky the child saw was particularly blue, or the sky in Tibet is really blue. If there is a chance, I will share with you Go see the sky there one more time," he said. "Yeah." I nodded.

Where is the bluest sky?Every time, every mood, what everyone sees may be different, right?Gomel might say that the sky is the bluest in the South Pacific, the penguins in Antarctica would say that the sky is the bluest on the snow, and the whales would say that the sky in the sea is the bluest.The giraffe is the tallest animal on the ground and the closest to the sky. The sky it sees is always the same blue, right? What did Lin Fangwen see?What do I see? I leaned on Han Xingyu's shoulder and said: "The sky above you is the bluest." He smiled and reached out to touch my face.His hands are the warmest.

In the mirror, has Lin Fangwen disappeared?I didn't look back.I have found the bluest piece of sky, which is closest to me. "Gamille is crying!" There is such a headline on the entertainment section of the newspaper. Gomel cried at her first concert.At that time, she was singing a song called "The Direction of Flowers Blooming". Halfway through the song, she cried, tears all over her face. Are you moved by the enthusiastic fans? Are you crying for your own success? I used to avoid seeing all the news about her.I don't hate her, but it's impossible to like her either.However, gradually, I didn't deliberately avoid her anymore, and she has become a very distant person, who can no longer evoke any painful memories in me.When I see her photos and hear her songs by chance, I just feel that this is someone I once knew.The only thing I'm still curious about her is if she has a tattoo on her ass that can keep a man.If so, what pattern is it, a bird or a fish?

Bending my head to wash my face in the newspaper bathroom, I saw a tattooed ankle of Linus walk in and stand next to me.I looked up and saw Gomel in the mirror.She wore heavy makeup and dyed her hair a bright pink.She was also wearing a fluffy pink skirt. When she saw me, she smiled and said, "Just now I wondered if I would run into you here." Seeing the astonishment on my face, she explained: "I'm here to take pictures in the studio." "Oh--" I wiped the beads of water off my face with a towel. "Do you hate me?" she said suddenly. I shook my head.

"Can we still be friends?" she asked innocently. "Is it impossible to love the same man once?" I said. "I heard you already have a boyfriend." "Yes." I said with a smile. After a silence, she said: "Lin Fangwen still loves you very much." Isn't it ironic that she should say such things to me when he betrayed me for her?I am not expressing any opinion. With a tear in her eye, she said: "Every time I sang the song "The Direction of Flowers", I knew that the person he loved most was not me." I froze for a moment.Why is she telling me?I could have forgotten about Lin Fangwen.

"Can I give you a hug?" she said. "Why?" I asked in surprise. "I want to hug the people he hugged," she said. I could see in her eyes that it was a kind request. I never thought about hugging the woman Lin Fangwen hugged, nor did I think about being hugged by the woman he hugged.However, at that moment, I seemed unable to refuse such a humble request. Finally, a group of pink things rushed towards me involuntarily, and I was forced to catch it. "Thank you for letting me hold you," she said. That tear finally fell.She is a pink silly leopard, a poor silly leopard who is deeply in love with humans.

I put Gomel's record on the turntable. I heard that Lin Fangwen loved me the most, and I felt a moment of victory in my heart.However, the feeling of victory was quickly outweighed by anger.Isn't it selfish to say that when I'm already in love with someone else?Besides, I know all too well that he has never been able to tell his truth from a lie. Didn't I say that I would never be moved by him again?However, the song "The Direction of Blooming" is sung like this: All of a sudden, all the sadness came to the eyes.We met again in the rain that day, didn't he always look in the direction of my departure?When I disappeared, did he repent in the direction I left?Unfortunately, his confession came too late. In my heart, there is already another piece of blue sky.In that sky, no flowers of repentance can grow. "Is that you?" he said. Lin Fangwen seemed very excited when he heard my voice on the other end of the phone. "I listened to the song "The Direction of Flowers Blooming"." I said. He didn't make a sound. "I don't feel touched at all." I said coldly. Maybe he didn't expect that I would be so indifferent. He on the other end of the phone didn't speak. "Why did Gomel sing the song of confession to me!" I choked up and scolded him. We were silent on the phone, if I could not still hear his breathing, I would have thought he was gone. "You enjoy your confession and guilt at all; and make money by turning it into a commodity. This song made you a lot of money, right?" I said. "Do you think so?" he finally spoke. "Anyway. If you really repent, please give me some peace. I'm in love with someone else." "Is that the one who came to pick you up that day?" "yes." He was sadly silent. "I've forgotten about you," I said. Finally, I hung up the phone. Why did I make a phone call to scold him when I could have done nothing after listening to that song?Do you want to cut off your thoughts?When I say, "I've forgotten you," the days of my childhood suddenly reverberate in my mind.When I was a child, I would lie on the bed, close my eyes, pretend that I was asleep, and say to my parents, "I'm already asleep!" thinking that this would fool others.Twenty years later, I am repeating this self-defeating lie.The only thing I didn't lie about was that I was in love with someone else.If it weren't for this, I would have already rushed to the parting flower without hesitation. "Looking at the sky while lying on the ground is very blue." Han Xingyu said. We lay on the floor of his house and looked at the sky.This Mid-Levels house has a large floor-to-ceiling window.On a sunny morning, lying in front of the window, you can see the bluest sky. "I discovered this angle by accident. I have moved here for a long time, and I never knew that the sky should be viewed from lying down," he said. The sky was originally very far away from us; however, when I lay down, the blue sky seemed to be right under my feet.When I put the soles of my feet against the window, it seemed to be against the sky. I happily told Han Xingyu: "Look! I left footprints in the sky!" He also put his foot against the window and said: "I never thought there would be our footprints in the sky!" "Puzzle—" I said. "Come here!" he said. "Where does the sky come from?" I thought he would say that the size of the sky is relative to the space on the ground.Thought he would say that the end of the sky is on the horizon.Thinking he would say that the sky is above all the roofs, he turned his head and said with a smile: "From me to you is the sky." "Remember when I said that the sky in Tibet is the bluest?" he said. "Ok." "Maybe because I was young at that time. The sky in my childhood was the bluest." "What now?" "The sky is closest now." The four soles of our feet were stuck on the wide window, and suddenly became very small. We seemed to be soaring into the sky like this, and we were walking upside down.Where we walk, the white clouds will smooth the footprints. I lay beside him, and thus from morning to evening, forgetting the passage of time.The setting sun turned the sky orange.When the sun sinks, the sky turns blue again.I have read many descriptions about blue in books, but the vast blue in front of me is indescribable.The deepest part of blue is a little red.I remembered that I had seen a bird in a book called the Blue Bird of Paradise.The wings of this bird are blue, and the courting male will hang upside down on the branch, spreading the blue feathers on his body into a fan, shaking constantly.That jewel-like blue feather.It's courtship feathers.The blue color I see is the flocks of blue birds of paradise flying together, gliding across the sky, dyeing a large area of ​​the sky into a lingering and flowing blue, that is the sky of love. "My ex-boyfriend still seems to miss me." I told Han Xingyu. "What about you? Do you still miss him?" "Would you be offended if I said yes?" "Maybe." "Yes, I still miss him. Are you angry?" "A little bit." He answered honestly. "First love is always unforgettable. Just like the sky of your childhood." "I understand." "Are you really mad?" I asked. He shook his head and said, "I know, at least today, you didn't miss him." Not only today, but during the many days with Han Xingyu, I also forgot about Lin Fangwen.When a person calms down, he will be tormented by longing again. "If it weren't for you, I might not have the courage not to go back." "Am I an obstacle?" "No. You showed me another sky, a bigger sky," I said. "Are you hungry?" he asked. "We've been lying here a long time." "Very hungry." I said. "There is Cannele in the refrigerator, and it tastes better when it's chilled." "I will not eat." "Then what do you want to eat?" I lay down on his chest and said: "I'm going to eat you!" "I haven't chilled it yet," he said. "I just want to eat warm!" The long sky is behind me, gentle the whole night room.In his heart, I found the bluest sky.I leaned down and kissed his wet hair, and he sucked my tits. In an instant, I suddenly understood that there is a time for everything, a time for parting, and a time for love.Flowers bloom and fall, and have their own clocks; birds, beasts, insects, and fish also have the function of sensing time.There is a time to embrace, a time to say goodbye, if you never want to forget the past, if you are always reluctant to part, you will never see the clear sky.Going back to Lin Fangwen's side is just to delay the deadline a little bit; if it is delayed a bit, it will still be over.Could it be that in my short life, am I still waiting for a love full of holes? I lay under Han Xingyu's body and saw the sky of love.How can I deny this love?Missing is just a habit.Until late at night, when I woke up beside him, he still held my hand and fell into a deep sleep.Why doesn't the sky seem to be dark?Flocks of blue birds of paradise forgot to go home, leaving behind blue that cannot be diluted, lingering as before. When I woke up, it was already dawn.The blue bird of paradise came home, and where it flew over, a faint blue stream flowed into the house in the early morning. Han Xingyu opened his eyes and said, "We have been lying down for so long." "Last night, when you fell asleep, the sky was still blue," I said. "Really?" He asked me leisurely. That is the bluest sky I have ever seen; it is the sky in my heart. "I love him very much!" On the entertainment board, I saw such a headline.I thought it was Gomel's declaration of love again; however, in the photo, she cried until her eyes and nose wrinkled together, leaving only a big mouth.She admitted to the reporter that she broke up with Lin Fangwen.She didn't say why, but said pitifully that she still loved him. The reporter asked: "Will you still ask him to write lyrics?" "We're still good friends," Gomel said. Is this the message Lin Fangwen wants to convey to me? Unfortunately, I am no longer the one who will always be there. At night, I stood on the balcony and accidentally saw Lin Fangwen's blue car driving by below.What is he doing here?Thought he was looking for me, but his car didn't stop.After a while, he came back again, but still didn't stop.For a long night, his car wandered downstairs; finally, it disappeared.What is he trying to do? Many nights, he was like this, the car drove slowly, left, and came back.Gradually, when I was alone at home, I would go out to see if he was coming again.He's a damn man, he's made it. I put on my shoes and rushed downstairs.When his car came again, he saw me.He parked the car and got out of the car with a smile on his face. "What are you doing here?" I said. He didn't answer. "what do you mean?" He said awkwardly, "I just passed by here by chance." "Passing here every night, is it really a coincidence?" I yelled at him. Finally, he said, "Can we start over?" "Do you know what you look like? You are like a puppy that has done something wrong, squatting in front of me and begging for mercy, wanting me to hug you again. You have always been like this." "Can you come back?" he said. "Do you think I still love you?" My voice was trembling. He was silent. "Lin Fangwen, you love only yourself." I choked up and said. He smiled miserably. "I hope I am still the same person I used to be. I believe that people will change. Unfortunately, I am not the same person I used to be. Lin Fangwen, if you love me, please give me a chance to be born again." I said with tears. He said guiltily, "Don't do this." I cried and said, "Some people can be friends after a breakup. I don't know how they do it. But, I can't. I don't want to see you again." "I know." He said sadly. I couldn't find a tissue to wipe my tears with me, so he gave me his handkerchief and said: "Take care." He got into the car dejectedly, and the car drove away slowly.In the direction of parting, flowers of repentance bloomed all over the sky.He didn't come to see me, he came to pay tribute, just like I paid tribute to a lost love outside Gomel's house that day.How alike are we?It's just that I have already understood that there is always a time when flowers bloom and fall. "Only hands can make the taste of love." Yu Pingzhi's mother said. I was in her kitchen, learning to make chocolate chip cookies from her.This lively and friendly housewife who loves to cook told me that although it is much more convenient to use an electric mixer, the most crunchy cookies can be obtained, but it is up to a pair of deft hands to beat the butter into white.It is indeed tiring to whip powdered sugar and butter into white.While I was stirring, I looked at the butter on the plate. When will it turn white? "Do you want me to help?" Mother Yu asked. "No, just let me do it myself." I said. "Is it for your boyfriend?" "Hmm! When he was eight years old, he ate a chocolate chip cookie that he would never forget. I don't know if I can make that taste." "The taste in the memory is difficult to meet again in the days to come." "Yeah, I'm worried too—" She cracked the eggs into my plate and said: "However, you can create another memory." "Why didn't I think of it? I'm so stupid!" I said with shame. She smiled and said: "It's not that I'm smarter than you, but that I'm older than you and have more memories than you." "Auntie, why do you like cooking?" "Because I want to cook for my loved ones," she replied. "That's the best reason!" I said. "Most of the stories in life start with the dining table." She said, "In everyone's memories, at least one memory is about food." I smiled and said, "Yes." "Cooking is also like life. At first, we always pursue splendor, but later we find that the best taste is the delicacy in indifference." "It's hard to do!" I said. "Because at your age, you still like to pursue brilliance." We squeeze the finished chocolate batter onto a baking sheet and put it in the oven. Yu's mother said: "Yu Pingzhi's father also likes to eat. He is a gourmet! We also travel to other places every year and eat at some restaurants that we have never been to before. Have you ever seen a restaurant with a carousel next to the dining table?" "Where is it?" I asked in surprise. "In Brittany, France, we went there ten years ago. The name of the restaurant is 'Brittany'. The entire wall of the restaurant is covered with green grape leaves. In the nineteenth century, there was originally Post office. The owner of the restaurant is a lovely couple. The restaurant is full of abstract paintings drawn by the owner, and wooden horses hang from the ceiling. Can you imagine this restaurant full of laughter like a fairy tale world? ?” she said, dancing with hands and feet. In my heart, there is infinite fascination. "It was our wedding anniversary, and it was an unforgettable dinner. Unfortunately, our camera was broken and we didn't take a picture." She had a look of regret on her face. I do believe that just because I didn't take a photo, I can't recall it from the photo in the days to come, and that memory will be longer.We did not take pictures of most of the partings and reunions; however, for the rest of our lives, they are as vivid as yesterday. Zhu Dizhi, Shen Guanghui and Yu Pingzhi walked in and asked: "Are the cookies ready?" Mother Yu took the cookies out of the oven, took a bite, and said: "It's not enough to stir the butter, I have to go back and practice more!" "Is it because you don't have enough love?" Zhu Dizhi said. "Where is it!" I said. "Auntie, I want to learn too." She shouted. I asked in her ear, "Is it for Chen Qizheng? Or for Meng Chuanyin?" "Eat both!" She pushed me. "Do you still love both?" On the way home, I asked Judy about it. "Yeah." She nodded heavily. "I really don't understand how you did it." "I'm from the 'Friends of Betrayal'! Betrayal is my specialty," she said. I laughed: "Being betrayed is my specialty." "Do you really love Han Xingyu?" she asked. This time, it was my turn to nod heavily. "Lin Fangwen is so pitiful!" she said. "Why do you feel sorry for him!" "You said I was gay with him. I know him." "I also know him, what he loves most is himself." "Me too. Or, when I don't love myself that much, I'm willing to love only one person." "Aren't you tired of loving two people?" "Ah! It's so tiring! Every month, I also worry, if I have a child, whose child will it be? At that time, I will look down on myself." "So, men can love many women at the same time, they don't have such concerns." I said. "Do you believe in love?" she asked. "Why don't you believe it?" "I don't believe it anymore." "If you don't believe it, you can love two people?" "It's because you love two people that you don't believe it. If I love someone so much, I can betray him. What credibility does love have?" "It's your love that has no credibility!" "Maybe! Every time I fall in love with someone, I also think, what will happen after the sweetest days have passed? Don't we forget? Forget how much we once loved someone." "You will not betray until you are too old to betray others." "Or, we're looking for favorites." "You have found it, and that is yourselves." "Don't you love yourself?" "I don't love myself that much," I said. "I hope others will love you forever and be faithful to you, isn't it because you love yourself?" For a split second, I couldn't answer.Until we broke up in the busy city, I watched her disappear in the crowd, and I still couldn't say a word.The longing for love and loyalty, is it because I love myself too much?I always blame Lin Fangwen for loving himself too much; however, in his heart, why am I not the same?I bind him with love, and even hope that he will be older than he is now, then he will always belong to me.I finally know why Lin Fangwen betrayed me, he can't bear this kind of love.We all love ourselves too much, and two people who love themselves too much cannot stay together forever.When we suddenly realize our selfishness, in the days to come, we can only love another person better. The bakery in the basement of Sogo was almost closed, and I took my last two Canneles to pay. "Can you tell me how this cake is made?" I asked the old man at the counter who was in charge of collecting money. The Japanese who can speak Chinese said: "You have to ask the baker, only he can do it." The young Japanese baker had changed, with a newspaper under his arm, and was leaving. "Can you tell me how Cannele does it?" I asked him. "The secret recipe cannot be leaked," he said. I showed him a business card and said: "I'm a reporter, and I want to introduce you to this dessert." "This is the company's policy, and it must not be said." He was as cold and arrogant as a Japanese swordsman, and he refused to hand over the secret book in his arms. "After being introduced by the newspaper, it will be more popular." I tried to convince him. "No." He said and walked up the elevator stairs. I chased him along the elevator stairs and dealt with him with aggressive methods. "Is this dessert easy to make, and you are afraid that others can make it better than you?" Unmoved, he turned to me and said: "Miss, I'm the only one here who can make this dessert, it's useless for you to say anything." He left the department store and went into a record store, and I followed him. "Would you please tell me?" I said. "Miss, please stop following me. Are all girls in Hong Kong like this?" "No, I'm the only one with a really thick skin. To tell you the truth, I want to make it for someone I like. I promise you, I will never write it out, okay?" He looked at him and continued to watch the record. Originally, I wanted to make chocolate cookies for Han Xingyu to eat; Yu Pingzhi's mother was right, creating another memory may be better.I have never seen the sky that Han Xingyu saw when he was a child, nor have I eaten the cookies he ate when he was a child. Why am I so greedy and want to replace his memories with the cookies I made?Zhu Dizhi is right, I also love myself very much. I saw the baker pick up a Gomel record. "Do you like listening to her songs?" I asked. He smiled brightly: "I like it so much!" In a moment of desperation, I told him: "I know her. I can get her autograph if you tell me what Cannele does." He looked at me and finally asked: "real?" Gemel was a little surprised when she heard my voice on the other end of the phone. Maybe she didn't expect it to be me? "I wonder if you could do me a favor?" I said. She readily agreed.We met in a coffee shop and she brought a poster with her signature. "Is that man your friend?" she asked. "He's a baker and a fan of yours. I want something from him, so I want to exchange it with your autograph." "Does this help you?" "It's done." I said. She took off her coat. Inside the coat was a dark blue, long-sleeved cotton coat with the University of Hong Kong badge printed on it, and a hole in the neckline.Doesn't this padded coat look familiar?Seeing me staring at the cotton coat on her body, Gemel said: "I took this old padded coat secretly from Lin Fangwen. Wearing the clothes he wore, so, although we are separated, it seems that we are still with him. Isn't it silly?" Are all Fijians like this?When Wei Wei broke up with Gomel, he ate Mozart and let it stay on him forever.Fortunately, Gomel was a little more civilized than Weiwei, so she didn't eat Lin Fangwen. "Have you guys met yet?" I asked. "We're still partners at work and good friends." Then, she asked me, "Will you go back?" "No, I already have someone I love." I said. "I don't know him," she said sadly. "Men are not meant to be known." "Is it for love?" She asked innocently. "To understand ourselves," I said. I finally traded Gomel's poster for Cannele's secret.Its coat is also called tiger skin because its color resembles the stripes on a tiger's body.The crust is made of eggs, butter, flour and sugar.As for the filling inside, it is made with custard flour.The amount of custard powder, cinnamon, brandy and milk also depends on experience. For someone who has never made a cake, it is a complicated procedure.It is even more impossible to succeed if you want to do it two or three times. When I repeatedly made that cake at home, I asked myself again and again, did I find Gemier because I wanted to know how to make that cake, or did I want to know a little bit about Lin Fangwen from her? After Gomel goes back, she will tell Lin Fangwen that I already have someone I love.Is that what I want her to do?We are separated because of her.In the end, she became a carrier pigeon flying between us, carrying the news of the farewell. At night, I took the landscape crystal ball out of the drawer and put it beside the bed.I am no longer afraid to see it.In the water waves, deep in my heart, floating is an unforgettable memory. "Is it delicious?" I asked Han Xingyu. He ate the Cannele I made with my own hands. "Did you buy it at Sogo?" "I did it." "Impossible." He looked in disbelief. "Really! It took me so many tries to make it." I dragged him into the kitchen so he could look at the remaining ingredients. I didn't lie to him, I don't know how many times I thought about giving up, because I was doing it for the one I love, so I was able to persevere. "No wonder it tastes a little different," he said. "Which one is tastier?" "If you say that your bakery is better, you won't believe it. However, if you say that the bakery's cooker is better, you won't be happy. This is a puzzle!" "So, what's the answer?" "I would say that your cooking is more delicious." "why?" "It's encouraging, and next time, you'll improve. Finally, one day, you'll do better than the bakery." "Heh! In fact, you already have the answer!" He hugged me and said: "I like to eat." "For you, will it be the most unforgettable food memory after chocolate chip cookies?" “More memorable than a chocolate chip cookie.” "Didn't it mean that the taste in memory cannot be rediscovered?" "But, there is no second you." He said. I remembered the game of Go that he played with Fu Qingliu. Before I knew what happened, the outcome was already decided.Is it the same with our love?I don't know when it started, I have become a dependent person, and I can't find another one.Memories are irreplaceable, and neither are people.However, old thoughts will be replaced forever by new love. "Have you been to Brittany, France?" I asked. "No, but I have an American classmate who married a French lady. They live in Brittany. I heard it is a beautiful city." "Have you ever seen a restaurant with a carousel?" "never seen it." "There's a restaurant in Brittany with a carousel. I heard it's next to the tables." He asked excitedly: "Really?" "Can we go there at Christmas?" "Okay, I'll arrange it." "Can you really go away?" "Why not? Christmas and everyone's holiday. We can still spend New Year's Eve in Brittany." Did I just want to spend New Years Eve there?The nostalgia for the New Year's Eve Song will also be replaced by a Breton carousel. Shen Guanghui cried until his heart broke.I never thought she would cry, didn't she really want old Wenkang to die?If she still wished for his death, she wished that he fell into a cesspit and drowned.However, when she saw the news of the old Wenkang's death from the alumni newsletter, she cried. She curled up on the bed and rolled herself up with the sheet. Judy and I sat next to each other, not knowing what to say.Is it to comfort her?Or should I congratulate her on getting her wish? "Don't you really want him to die?" Zhu Dizhi asked. "Yes, I think he's dead!" Shen Guanghui said while blowing her nose. "Then why cry?" I said. She wiped away her tears and said, "I don't know why, but I feel sad, and I miss him." "He's a bad guy and doesn't deserve your crying," I said. "I know. All these years, I have hated him. But when he died, I wondered if he loved me too. " "Of course not!" Judy said cruelly. I can't speak like that.We thought we hated someone, but in the end, we found out that we loved the other person.How sad is that?I finally understood why Shen Guanghui always seemed to only love herself and not others.In her young and youthful years, that abnormal relationship completely ruined her, and she couldn't trust anyone anymore.She loves that humble and hurt self, and hates that self.She tried hard to deny that she loved that shameless man; however, when he was gone, she realized that she had loved this man deeply.How good and noble is love?But not necessarily smart.Inside the hate, there is an unexplainable, dark love. Do I hate Lin Fangwen?I don't hate it that much anymore.Do I not love him that much anymore? In the afternoon sun, Wenxi touched every green tree in Saigon. I was sitting in the interview car, and the driver parked the car on the side of the road, acting as my colleague.Across the road, a blue car was parked, just outside the diving shop.Isn't that Lin Fangwen's car? He came out of the dive shop with a peaked cap on his head and a heavy bag on his shoulders.He put the bag of things on the car, took out a bottle of water from the car, and drank water next to the car. He couldn't see me and didn't know I was looking at him.Do you think he will mourn and cry at home?Do you think he will give up on himself for me?Is he still living an ordinary life?In the near future, he may fall in love with another woman; new memories will overshadow old ones. I hid in the car and looked at him for a long time, trying to search for traces of me from him; suddenly, I found that it was the peaked cap.Didn't he often wear a peaked cap when we met?All in all, back to those days, as if we had never met.He looked up at the sky, still wondering where is the bluest sky? I really wanted to go over and say something to him, but I was stage frightened. We are separated by trees and cars, separated by a road and a vast sky, but it seems that we are separated by a distance that will never meet. Finally, Lin Fangwen sat in the driver's seat, and my colleague also got into the car. "I'm sorry to ask you to wait." My female colleague said. "It's okay." I said. "It's already late autumn, and the weather is still so hot," she said. 我的脸贴着窗，隔着永不相见的距离，穿过了那辆蓝色小轿车的窗子，重叠在他的脸上，片刻已是永恒。他发动引擎，把车子驶离了潜水店，我们的车子也向前去，走上了和他相反的路。所有的重逢，都市这么遥远的吗？ “要出发了。”韩星宇催促我。 我们在布列塔尼的酒店房间里，他的外国朋友正开车前来，接我们去“布列塔尼”餐厅庆祝除夕。他们并且订到了木马旁边的餐桌。 “我在大堂等你。”韩星宇先出去了。 我站在镜子前面，扣完了最后一颗钮扣。我的新生活要开始了。 房间里的电话响起来，韩星宇又来催我吗？我拿起电话筒，是朱迪之的声音。 “是程韵吗？” “迪之，新年快乐！”我说。香港的时间，走得比法国快，他们应该已经庆祝过除夕了。 “林方文出了事。”沉重的语调。 “出了什么事？”我的心，忽然荒凉起来。 “他在斐济潜水的时候失踪了，救援人员正在搜索，已经搜索了六个小时，葛米儿要我告诉你。”她说着说着哭了，似乎林方文是凶多吉少的。 how can that be possible?我在不久之前还见过他？ “他们已经作了最坏的打算。”她在电话那一头抽泣。 “为什么要告诉我呢？我和他已经没有任何的关系了。我现在要出去吃饭，要庆祝除夕呢！”我用颤抖着的手把电话挂断。我望着那部电话，它是根本没有响过的吧？我关掉了房间里的吊灯，逃离了那个黑暗的世界。韩星宇在大堂等着我。 “你今天很漂亮。”他说。 “我们是在做梦的星球吗？”我问。 “是的。”他回答说。 That's great!一切都是梦。 我爬上那辆雪铁龙轿车，向着我的除夕之夜出发。 “你在发抖，你没事吧？”韩星宇握着我的手问。 “我没事。”我的脸贴着窗，却再也不能跟林方文的脸重叠。 韩星宇把自己的外套脱下来，披在我身上。 “布列塔尼又名叫'海的国度'，三百多年前，这里是海盗出没的地方。”韩星宇的法国朋友苏珊说。 我想知道，在海上失踪六个小时，还能够活着浮上来吗？ “今晚会放烟花！”苏珊雀跃的告诉我们。 我和林方文不是曾经戏言，要是他化成飞灰，我要把他射到天空上去的吗？ 出发来布列塔尼之前，我收到了林方文寄来的包裹，里面有一封信和一张唱片。 我和韩星宇来到了“布列塔尼”餐厅，那是个梦境一般的世界。那首除夕之歌，却为什么好像是一首预先写下的挽歌？ 我要的是除夕之歌，什么时候，他擅自把歌改成了遗言？我不要这样的歌，我要从前的每一个除夕。上一次的告别太粗糙了，我们还要来一次圆满的告别，他不能就这样离开。 餐桌旁，灯影摇曳，木马从高高的天花板上垂吊下来，那木马却是不能回转的木马。有没有永不终场的戏？有没有永不消逝的生命？ 愿我爱的人随水漂流到我的身畔，依然鲜活如昨。 (full text)