Chapter 5 Chapter 5 Hug You Again

When I went back to my home, I couldn't help crying when I heard Lin Fangwen's songs on the radio by chance. He seemed to have nothing to do with me, just like the songs.I started to be very afraid of being alone. I wasted time with Dizhi and Guanghui after get off work every day. I went home when I was sleepy. I fell asleep on the bed and fell asleep after a while. . But first of all, Dizhi can no longer accompany me, she met a new boyfriend. "He's six feet one inch tall, twenty inches wide at the shoulders, and fifty inches wide at the chest!" she told us cheerfully.

"Is he Mr. Hong Kong? A freak with oil all over his body?" I asked her. "Of course not, he's in business. I met him at the reunion of the American Alumni Association with my friends. He is the chairman of the alumni association." To be honest, I don't have a good opinion of those alumni associations who studied in the US, the UK, or Canada. Everyone just finds an excuse to meet the opposite sex. "What kind of business is he?" Guanghui asked her. "He sells oil." Di Zhi said. "Oil?" I was taken aback. "He's from Saudi Arabia?"

"Bullshit. He's an oil agent. It's a family business. He works for his mother. He's a good athlete. Tennis, water skiing, diving, shooting, gun burning." "He has such good conditions, why doesn't he have a girlfriend?" I asked Dizhi. "He is very demanding. I heard that he had many girlfriends before, but none of them could tie him down." "Be careful that he is a playboy." Guang Hui said. "He is ten years older than me. He told me that he is very tired and wants to get married." "Then wouldn't you marry into a wealthy family?" I teased her.

Di Zhi laughed wildly, and then said seriously: "I also want to get married, I am different from you, I have loved several men, I am already very tired, I am really tired of looking for men everywhere on New Year's Eve, I am I have no career ambition, and the happiest thing is to have a man take care of me." "Let's make an agreement." I said, "Of the three people, the one who gets married first will pay compensation to the other two." "Why do you need compensation?" Dizhi asked me, as if she would be the first to get married. "The remaining two are so lonely and pitiful. Of course they should be compensated, at least five thousand yuan each." I said.

"I agree." Guanghui said. "Okay!" Dizhi said. Perhaps Di Zhi never dreamed that she would find a man with such good conditions. One evening, I received a call from Dizhi, who sweetly told me a new phone number: "You can find me by dialing this number in the future. This is Tian Hong's home." "You live with him so soon?" "He gave me the key. I was waiting for him to get off work. It turns out that it feels so happy to wait for a man to get off work. You should also find a man quickly." I am crying, a woman without a man is so sad.Dizhi didn't mean to hurt me, she never cared about other people's feelings.

Dizhi hung up, and I called Guanghui, and she said over the phone, "Not today! It's Sun Weidong's birthday. I want to accompany him anyway. Will you come?" If I go, Sun Weidong must hate me. Sometimes, I really admire him, knowing that a woman no longer loves me, but still willing to pester her. After leaving the office, it was already dark, and I suddenly had the urge to find a random man to have sex with on the street, anyway, Lin Fangwen no longer loves this body. "Cheng Yun." A man called me. "Long time no see." It was Xu Feifei. "Why did I meet you here?"

"I have an appointment with a friend nearby." I unconsciously showed disappointment, I must be too lonely. "Wait a minute," he said, "I'll be right back." I saw him run into a nearby hotel, and after a while, he ran out again. "Shall we have dinner together?" he asked me. "With your friends?" "No. I dismissed him." "What's the point of that?" "It doesn't matter, it's an old classmate, and it's not something important." I suddenly felt a sense of security, unprecedented, that there was a man who appeared when I was the loneliest.

We had French food and I ordered a bottle of red wine, which I've never had before, just to get drunk.That night, it had been more than a year since I ate with Xu Feifei for the first time, and I never took a good look at his face. His face turned out to be beautiful, and there seemed to be many stories in his eyes. "Xiao Mian is about to have a baby," he told me. "yes?" "You haven't contacted?" "Our circle of life is different." I drank half a bottle of red wine, deliberately let it go, pulled Xu Feifei outside the restaurant and said, "I don't want to go home, can you accompany me?"

"where are you going?" "Go where love is lost." He drove the car to the beach. "Why are you here?" I asked him. "Waiting for the sunrise," he said. "I don't want to watch the sunrise!" I said wildly. He pulled me, "Don't do this." I'd love to be comforted by a guy, seduce him with my eyes, and we kiss in the car.He held my hand, I fell asleep in his arms, woke up, it was already the next morning.He's still sitting in the driver's seat. "You won't wake me up?" "you're drunk."

"Would you like something to eat?" he asked me. I nod. We ate breakfast at a kiosk on the beach, and I was so distraught that one love just fell and another rose. He takes me home. "Go to sleep for a while," he said. "how about you?" "I have to go to work, I am on duty today." "Didn't you say it earlier? If you don't have enough energy, what should you do if you get sick?" "I'm in jail, you come to visit me." He said with a smile. I couldn't wait to tell Dizhi about it. "Okay, a woman is only glamorous if she is in love. I have never dared to tell you that Lin Fang seems to be living with Legie already."

Although I had expected it, I still felt very bad. He said that he never slept with Legie and then lived with her. In the evening, I received a call from Xu Feifei. "I want to see you." I told him. "No, I'm on duty now. Can you come to the hospital?" When I got to the hospital, he had just finished operating on a patient. "Let's go for a walk," he said. "Can you walk away?" "You are also a patient." He took my hand. Xu Feifei gave me an unprecedented sense of security, which made me really want to rely on him, instead of being afraid that he would end up avoiding my dependence like Lin Fangwen did. I asked him, "You don't want to know about my past?" "Don't want to know," he said. "Everyone has a past." His pager rang, and he was rushing to the operating room. "You can wait for me in the doctor's room," he said. I was waiting for him in the doctor's duty room, and suddenly I felt a kind of happiness, that is the happiness of a woman waiting for her man to get off work.He came back looking tired with blood on his face. "You have blood on your face." "It's a patient's blood, it's often like this," he said, "I can get off work, and I'll take you home." "No. You haven't slept in two days." "I'm not tired." He insisted on taking me home. He was very sleepy and kept dozing off. The car was walking in an S shape on the road.He lowered the car window to let the wind wake him up, and kept slapping himself in the face. I was so sad that I shed tears, and said to him, "It's all my fault." He didn't say anything, just held my hand gently. I suddenly felt that I shouldn't let him down, I don't know if I love him, maybe I just want to find him as a substitute. I said to him cruelly: "You should stop looking for me." "Why?" He didn't understand. "Many things happen for no reason. As a doctor, you should know that many diseases have no reason." "But I'll do my best to heal it." "I have no cure." I rushed into the building without looking back, he must be very disappointed. I didn't call him and he didn't call me. Three days later, I went to Singapore for business. In the hotel room, the person I missed was not Lin Fangwen, but him. In October 1989, I left Hong Kong alone for a six-day business trip to Singapore and came back. When I walked out of the airport reception hall, a person waved to me from a distance. It was Xu Feifei.At that moment, I didn't want to lose him again.I wasn't surprised, during the three hours on the plane, I kept thinking that maybe he would pick me up.If he is destined to be mine, he will pick me up. He kissed my face and said, "I miss you so much." "How do you know I'm coming back today?" I pretended to be very surprised. The answer was as I expected. He called my company, and my colleagues in the company said that I had gone to Singapore, so he inquired about the date of my return and the flight number.Before I left, I didn't ask my colleagues to keep the secret for me, and I posted the aircraft number on the wall panel. In the car, we kissed passionately, and his body exuded a strong smell of disinfectant, which was the most secure smell. "Many diseases have no cause." He said to me. "I do not understand." "So, don't tell me why you changed your mind. I'm not going to tell you why I like you," he said. The car passed through the subsea tunnel, and then through the Aberdeen tunnel, heading for Sham Wan. "Where are you going?" I asked him. "Casablanca," he said. That's where Lin Fangwen and I spent two New Year's Eves together. Seeing my hesitation, he asked me, "You don't want to go?" "No, it's not." I wanted to see that place too. When we arrived at the Deep Bay Club, it turned out that Casablanca had closed its business. "It's a pity, it's a great place," he said. "Yes," I said, "this used to be a nice place." I thought it was me and Lin Fangwen who were finished, but it turned out that Casablanca was also finished.A restaurant also draws the curtain on our love haggard. "Let's drive somewhere else," he said.He turned the radio on the car, and the radio just happened to play "Tomorrow". The one who has tomorrow with me is no longer Lin Fangwen. "It's a beautiful song," he said. "The lyrics were written by my ex-boyfriend." I didn't want to hide it from him anymore. He was silent. "You know?" I asked him. he smiles. "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked him, "Why do you still say this song is beautiful? You don't have to be so generous." "I really think this song is beautiful. A man who can write such a song for a woman must love her very much." "It's over. He said he would write me a song every New Year's Eve. This is one of them, and there will be no more." "I'm not a wit, I can't do such a thing for you." He regretted. "Then what can you do for me?" "I do an operation for you every New Year's Eve, free of charge, okay?" He said solemnly. I made him laugh out loud.He always knew about my past but didn't tell me. "Are you not jealous at all?" I asked him. "If you are jealous of another person, isn't it too lacking in self-confidence?" I looked at his profile, and at that moment, I fell in love with him. He shook my hand and asked me, "Will you spend New Year's Eve with me this year?" "On New Year's Eve that just passed, didn't we spend a minute together in the hospital corridor?" A shopping mall under our group plans to cooperate with the radio station to hold a large-scale concert at Christmas. On a weekend in early November, I went to the radio station to negotiate with the person in charge of the foreign affairs department. I ran into Lin Fangwen in the lobby. It was my first time after breaking up. Meet him once. "How are you?" he said to me. "I haven't heard your song for a long time." I said. "There aren't any good works recently, so you don't have to listen to them. What are you doing on the radio?" "We're sponsoring a concert." "Oh." Then, there was a silence. "I'm leaving." I want to break up before him. "The day you left home, I found a paper airplane on the road," he said. My heart was very sour, and I replied to him: "How is Le Ji?" He is silent.I left gracefully, but my heart was hurt, why didn't I tell him that I already have a boyfriend, is it because I still can't bear him? I asked Xu Feifei to have lunch, and he didn't see anything unusual about me.He suggested going to a movie, but I didn't want to go. "I'll take you somewhere," he said. "I don't want to go anywhere, I'm tired." "You'll like it." He pulled me away. He drives to the beach. On the beach, two groups of men are playing beach volleyball.Xu Fei waved to them. "You know them?" "We used to play volleyball together. They were here every week," he said. "I joined with my girlfriend," he told them. It has been a long time since I have tried to play volleyball on a sunny afternoon, and a lot of happiness seems to be back.I rolled happily on the beach, my body was covered with sand, and my heart was no longer sour. It was Xu Feifei who brought the sunshine to me. Having dinner with Dizhi and Guanghui, Dizhi said: "I found a new kind of bra that is very good. After wearing it, my breasts are very big. You must buy it." "You've slept with the oil prince! You said that when a woman suddenly wants to buy a new bra, she's already slept with her boyfriend." I teased her. She smiled lewdly: "Need to say? We've already gone to bed. Did you go to bed with Xu Feifei?" "I won't answer your question." "It's the same as acquiescing. Will the doctor go to bed as seriously as performing an operation?" "Ask Xiao Mian." I said. "Xiaomian gave birth to a boy. I met their family of three on the street that day. Xiaomian was out of shape. She had gained at least thirty pounds. Her face was covered with rashes and her waist was thick. The stomach is very big, and it seems that there is still a child unborn." Di Zhi said. "You speak horribly," I said. "It's not the worst. The worst thing is that the child doesn't look like her at all, but looks like a big ant." "Xiao Mian was the first among us to get married and have children." I said, "Time flies so fast." "The next one might be me, hee hee." Di Zhitian said. Guanghui suddenly fell on the table and burst into tears, which shocked us. "Guanghui, why are you crying?" I asked her. "Am I still a virgin?" she whimpered. Di Zhi and I looked at each other, not knowing whether we should sympathize with her or make fun of her. "I also wish I was a virgin." Di Zhi said, "When I slept with Tian Hong, I always regretted it. Why am I not a virgin? When you love a man, you want to leave the best for him. But , I can't do it right now, but you can." Together with Xu Feifei, I have never regretted that I am no longer a virgin, nor regretted giving the best things to Lin Fangwen, do I still love Lin Fangwen more? On New Year's Eve in 1989, Xu Feifei was going to be on duty at the hospital. He agreed that I would have dinner on January 1st to celebrate the New Year.On New Year's Eve, I had dinner with Guanghui and Sun Weidong at a French restaurant in Lan Kwai Fong. Sun Weidong recently did something that he is very proud of.He saw that the old beggar who often begs near his clinic was full of bad teeth, so he took him to the clinic and replaced him with a new set of teeth. "You don't need to be so kind at all. Many beggars are actually very rich." Guanghui scolded him. "He appreciates me," he said dismissively. Sun Weidong always doesn't understand that if a woman likes you, even if you are a heinous villain, she still likes you.If she doesn't like you, it doesn't make sense for you to be kind and benevolent. When Sun Weidong went to the bathroom, I told Guanghui: "You don't like him, why are you procrastinating, it's been more than a year." "Yes, I'm so bored, but I dumped him, who will accompany me on a festival like today?" "Is there really no other suitor?" "A male colleague pursued me. He is nice, hardworking, self-motivated and caring." "Then why don't you think about it?" "He lives in Tuen Mun with his family." "What's the problem?" "That is to say, his family background is not good, and his income is lower than mine." "You said he was very self-motivated." "I don't want to make a long-term investment. I invested my youth in him. If he succeeds, he may fall in love with another woman. If he fails, I have nothing. I don't want to wait for a bus on the street with a man. I won't marry Go to Tuen Mun." I suddenly miss Xu Feifei very much, even if he is not a doctor, I don't mind.I said goodbye to Guanghui and Sun Weidong, the bitter couple, and rushed to the hospital before midnight.Xu Feifei is in the duty room. "Happy New Year!" I fell into his arms. "Happy New Year!" he said hugging me, "I was thinking of you." "I miss you too." I told him softly. "Aren't you with Guanghui and Sun Weidong?" "I wish you were the first person I saw in the nineties." "Yes. It's 1990." He kissed me. His pager rang. "The nurse called me and I went out to have a look." I was left alone in the doctor's office, where there was a radio.On New Year's Eve of 1988, Lin Fangwen sent the song to the radio, will he do that again on New Year's Eve of 1989?I turned on the radio, tracked several stations, and found the same program as last year. The host of the program was still the same female disc jockey from last year. It was an old song, not "Tomorrow", and there was no new song. I am disappointed.Xu Fei walked in suddenly. "You want to listen to the radio?" he asked me.His eyes told me he saw right through me. "No more." I said. "I have a present for you." He took out a small red velvet box from his pocket and gave it to me. Inside the velvet case was a platinum and diamond ring. "This is a New Year's gift, not for a marriage proposal. Don't worry. I'll put it on for you." He put the ring on the ring finger of my left hand, wide and tight fit. "How do you know the width of my fingers?" "You fell asleep in the car on our first date, don't you remember?" "Remember." "I secretly used a rope on the car to wrap around your left ring finger, and I knew the circumference of your finger. On that day, I decided to buy you a ring." "Why that day?" "I don't know. Ever since I met you at church, I wanted to be with you. Unfortunately, it was too late. You already had a boyfriend. Later, you became single again. To be honest, I was very sad to know that you broke up with your boyfriend." happy." I have nothing to say about Xu Feifei. Dizhi's New Year's Eve was not a happy one.It is customary for Tian Hong, his mother, sister, stepfather and aunt to attend the ball at Hilton every New Year's Eve.Dizhi was very nervous about the dance, and it was the first time she met Tian Hong's family.On the afternoon of January 1st, I received a call from her, and she was very depressed on the phone. "Is it because his mother doesn't like you?" "She kept praising other women in front of me. They were all daughters, lawyers, doctors, architects, etc., saying that they liked Tian Hong. I was embarrassed. In front of his family, I didn't even have any self-esteem, as if I don't deserve him." "What did Tian Hong say?" "He said the most important thing is that he likes me." "Then you can rest assured." "I've never been so humbled as I was last night." In order to comfort Dizhi, I agreed to treat her to afternoon tea. I asked Di Zhi to meet at the coffee shop. Di Zhi was late. I ran into Lin Fangwen's mother. She walked into the coffee shop to buy cakes. She also saw me and greeted me kindly. "Cheng Yun." "aunt." "It's been a long time since we saw each other. How are you doing? How is Lin Fangwen?" She sat in front of me. "We separated." I was a little embarrassed. Her expression was very surprised, and she asked me, "Why did you separate?" I didn't want to speak ill of Lin Fangwen, and she didn't ask me. "I don't know young people's love," she sighed. Guanghui also came to have afternoon tea. She finally got rid of Sun Weidong and found a new boyfriend. He Minghan was a friend of Guanghui's boss and the boss of several real estate agency companies. He was very rich.He is twenty years older than Guanghui and married. "He hurts me so much, he will give me whatever I like." Guanghui's face was full of spring breeze, and the diamond ring on her hand was much bigger than mine. "But he's a married man," I said. "I had a great time with him." "Doesn't this mean that you are his mistress?" Dizhi said to her. "A mistress is a very romantic identity." Guang Hui said. "I don't want to be a third party, I want to be a positive seal." Dizhi said. "He Minghan is different from Wei An, he is very affectionate." Guanghui teased her. Di Zhi sneered: "Did he tell you that he has no relationship with that woman, only responsibility? Did he say that you are the woman he loves most in his life?" Guanghui was speechless. "Men are all the same." Di Zhi said, "He will never leave that woman no matter what." "I don't need him to leave her." Guanghui said stubbornly. "Maybe one day he'll leave you," I said. "It's better than being with Sun Weidong. In this world, there are too few good men. I'm not as lucky as you two to find a single man with good conditions." Guanghui smiled wryly. Dizhi felt guilty when he heard Guanghui feel sorry for himself, "I'm not necessarily good either, I want to fight against a feudal family." "Maybe there is something wrong with me. I am obsessed with love with flaws. I only now realize that the "Tomorrow" written by Lin Fang to you was really well written." Guanghui hummed: Dizhi tried his best to please Tian Hong's mother, but before Christmas, she was already thinking about what gift to give her.I'd rather give Xu Feifei a sweater.That day, we went to the department store together. "Do you love Xu Fei Fei?" Di Zhi asked me. "Why do you ask me that?" "I think you still love Lin Fangwen a little more." "why would you say so?" "Just a feeling," she said. "Did you forget that our periods came on the same day? I have a telepathy with you." "I love Xu Feifei now. He treats me very well." "Your greatest weakness is love of talents." Dizhi said.She suddenly pushed me and said, "Look who it is?" I see Legie, alone shopping for men's underwear, holding a pair of black bikinis. "Does Lin Fangwen like to wear such sexy underwear?" Di Zhi asked me. "Maybe he's changed his taste," I said. "Let's go." I said. It was too late, Legie saw Dizhi and me, and walked up to us. Di Zhi said to her; "You are so open, buying underwear for men is not something every woman can do." Not to be outdone, Le Ji said, "What's so strange, you haven't seen men wearing underwear, have you?" "Lin Fangwen doesn't seem to like wearing black," I said. "I didn't buy it for him." Le Ji said coolly, "I broke up with him. I really don't understand how you put up with him." I thought I had been trying my best to forget Lin Fangwen, but when I heard that he broke up with Le Ji, I actually had a very bad idea, would he come back to me? When I got home and walked into the bedroom, I actually heard Elgar's voice, the old porcelain elephant music box given to me by Lin Fangwen started, that's impossible. "Maybe I accidentally touched the switch when I was cleaning your room just now," said the mother. Why such a coincidence?The old porcelain elephant played the vows made a hundred years ago in a long way, and every note hurts people. The phone rang at that time too. "Hello—" I tremblingly picked up the phone. "It's me." It was Xu Feifei. "I have good news for you. I won't be on duty this New Year's Eve. I can accompany you. Where do you like to eat?" "I can go anywhere." My heart was in a mess. "How about going to Lan Kwai Fong?" "OK." "take off--" "What's up?" I suddenly didn't know what to say to him, maybe I wanted to know how much I loved him. "What's up?" "Let's spend New Year's Eve together." I told myself, forget about Lin Fangwen, going back to him will only bring one more pain, and maybe he doesn't love me anymore, and Xu Feifei is a man I can really grasp. I wore the diamond ring that Xu Feifei gave me last New Year's Eve. I had New Year's Eve dinner with him at a French restaurant in Lan Kwai Fong. He was very happy to see me wearing the ring. I stared at Xu Fei by candlelight, his face was beautiful, even better than Lin Fangwen, his face did not disappoint.I should love him. "Why do you look at me like that?" "Nothing," I said, "I have a present for you." I gave him a gray pullover cashmere sweater. "In winter, you can wear it under a suit," I said. He loved it and insisted on putting it on immediately. "It's a pity that my knitting skills are very poor. I should give you a sweater." I was a little ashamed. "Choosing a sweater is also very troublesome. Women should not spend their youth on sweaters. I also have a gift for you." He took out a box of gifts from his pocket and gave it to me. I opened the box, and there was a women's belt watch inside, which was very delicate. "You don't need to give me such an expensive gift." "This watch will look great on you. Come on, I'll wear it for you. It will be 1991 in one hour. Every New Year's Eve, let's check the time together, shall we?" I nod. When we left the restaurant at 11:40, the street was packed and we went to the bar for drinks. I got into the crowd to find the restroom, and someone called me. I turned around, and it was Lin Fangwen. I didn't expect that I would run into him on New Year's Eve. "Who are you with?" he asked me. "Boy friend." That was the first time I mentioned boyfriend to him. He looked helpless. "Sorry, I have to go to the bathroom." I told him coldly.He resisted the crowd with his body and left a path for me to pass. "Thank you." I said. In the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror and remembered the years when Lin Fangwen betrayed me. It took a long, long time before the wound stopped hurting. If I love myself, I will not be weak.I took a deep breath and left the bathroom. He was waiting for me outside the bathroom door, like a frustrated child. "Goodbye." I told him. Someone in the bar announced loudly that 1991 is one minute away, and the crowd was getting bigger and bigger, and a foreign woman almost pushed me down. Lin Fangwen quickly took my hand. The bar is full of people, everyone is ready to welcome the new year. "Would you like to spend this moment with me?" He squeezed my hand tightly. "We used to be like this, but you don't cherish it." "I miss you so much." He hugged me. I pushed him away and scolded him: "Le Ji is gone, you are too lonely, aren't you?" I squeezed into the crowd, and I was so sad that I let the crowd push me. Suddenly, a warm hand held me, and it was Xu Feifei. "Where have you been? I've been looking for you everywhere." He said anxiously. Someone in the bar is counting down the last five seconds of 1990. "I almost thought we would miss this moment." Xu Fei hugged me. 1991 came, the crowd cheered, and I took a sip of champagne, which was as sweet as fruit, but it couldn't temper the sourness in my heart. "Happy New Year!" I said to Xu Feifei. I turned around and didn't see Lin Fangwen. On the first day of work after the new year, my boss asked me if I would like to travel frequently to the mainland to do product promotion work. If I would, he would promote me to be a promotion manager, with a substantial increase in salary and travel allowance.He gave me three days to think about it, and I agreed. "Have you considered Xu Fei Fei?" Di Zhi asked me. "This is a great opportunity," I said. "But you are not in Hong Kong for four months of the year, what will Xu Feifei do?" "He's also very busy at work." "Have you discussed it with him?" "He won't object." "Aren't you afraid of losing him? He has such good conditions, so there are naturally many temptations." "No, he loves me so much." "Do you know what you are doing? You are abusing yourself. You are very happy, but you want to make yourself very lonely." Dizhi scolded me. "Love is too unreliable. Only a career is a work and a harvest. I want to have my own career." "If only you really thought so." Xu Feifei was the last one to know about it, and I never knew how to tell him.He was very happy at dinner that day. He received many love letters from a female patient, and we often joked about those love letters. "I haven't received your love letter yet." I told him. "I don't write well, I'm afraid you will make fun of me." "Write one anyway, I really want to receive a love letter from a boy." "It's more difficult than doing a major surgery," he said with a smile. "I have something to tell you." "What's the matter?" he asked me. "In the future, I will often go to Beijing to work, and I will stay there for ten to twelve days a month." His smiling face froze suddenly. He didn't talk to me again throughout dinner, he must be annoyed that I chose the way of getting along in the future without discussing with him beforehand. In the car, he never looked at me, he had never tried to be so indifferent.He parked the car and was ready to take me up.In the parking lot, he finally couldn't help but ask me: "Have you considered me?" "This is a good opportunity. As you know, there is great potential for domestic development." "I don't want to hear that!" he raged. It was the first time he was so mean to me. "You're running from me!" he said. "You're talking nonsense." I retorted, "You're too selfish, you want me to stay by your side, you don't want me to have my own career." "You know I'm not." "I don't want one day, when my man leaves me, I have nothing." I whimpered. "You know I won't," he said seriously. "Who can guarantee tomorrow?" "Can you not go?" "I've already promised someone else." "Is this the only job that has a future?" "I have no other choice. I'm going north next Monday, sorry." "Maybe you won't object to my breaking up," he said. I stood there, not expecting him to propose a breakup, I didn't look at his face again, turned around and ran home.I ran into the elevator alone and cried loudly. I deceived Xu Feifei, but I couldn’t deceive myself. Yes, I was running away from Lin Fangwen. I wanted to leave this place, exile myself, or lock myself up and make myself lonely , sad, lonely, I want to abuse myself, I am afraid that I will disappoint the man who loves me now, and the only way to return to the man who failed me in the past is to escape. Xu Feifei never showed up.On the morning I was getting ready to leave, he showed up. "I'll take you to the plane." He said softly. He carried my luggage for me and walked in front. I looked at his back, so strong, so gentle, so reliable, but I ran away from him, and I wept bitterly.In the car, we were silent. I don't know whether he made a perfect ending, saw me for the last time, and gave me a ride, or whether he decided to come back to me, maybe he couldn't make up his mind. At the airport, he checked in for me. "You should be in the gate," he told me. "You have nothing to say to me?" I was suddenly reluctant. "When are you coming back?" he asked me. "Next Monday night." "May I come pick you up?" He had a smile on his face. I smiled and nodded, and threw myself into his arms. He hugged me tightly and said to me, "I'm sorry, I made you sad." I shook my head in his arms, how could I have the heart to tell him that maybe it wasn't him who made me sad. It turns out that the person who has the ability to make people sad is the happiest and the strongest between two people.Neither Xu Feifei nor I are strong, but Lin Fangwen is. The work in Beijing is busier than I imagined. I thought I could think about my love with two men in that place, but I didn’t even have time to rest.During the seven days in Beijing, I didn't even go to the Forbidden City or Tiananmen Square.On the morning of leaving Beijing, I have to attend a lengthy meeting. At dusk, I hurried back to the hotel to pack my bags.Walking out of the elevator, Xu Fei actually stood outside my room door. "Didn't you say you would pick me up?" "Aren't I here now? I'm here to pick you up," he said. Out of emotion, I said to Xu Feifei on the plane: "Can I give up this job? Then we don't have to separate." "This is your career, don't give up so easily, I'm not a selfish person." "You are too great. Women don't have to be too great, but a man who is too great may lose a woman." I said. "If the result is like this, I have nothing to say." He held my hand and warmed my heart. That night when I returned to Hong Kong, I received a call from Lin Fangwen: "Are you free to have dinner together?" "Is there anything you can say on the phone." I told him coldly. "nothing." I hang up.I am proud of myself for being able to reject him. Once upon a time, he dominated everything about me. During the more than ten days in Hong Kong, half of the time was with Xu Feifei. Because of him, I had the courage to reject Lin Fangwen.I really wanted to tell him that Lin Fangwen approached me, hoping he would be jealous and stop me, I was afraid that I would not be able to continue to reject Lin Fangwen.However, I didn't have the courage to tell him. If I told Xu Feifei, he would definitely see my nostalgia and confusion on my face, and would hate me for still loving Lin Fangwen. The night before I left Hong Kong for work in Beijing, Xu Feifei was on duty. I was packing my luggage at home alone. When the phone rang, I thought it was Xu Feifei. "Cheng Yun, it's me." It was Lin Fangwen. "I'm nearby, can you come out and meet? I promise nothing will happen, I just want to find a friend to talk to." He had never tried to be so humble in front of me, and I relented and agreed to go out and meet him. He is waiting for me in the park near my house. "I'm here, what do you want to tell me?" He has been silent. I couldn't help but asked him: "Are you going to keep silent? If you have nothing to say to me, I want to go back." "I just wanted to see you." He stared at me. I hardened my heart and asked him, "So have you seen enough?" "You've changed," he said. "Yes, I am no longer the woman who lies on your chest and looks at the moonlight, nor the woman who will cry when she hears your love song." "You hate me?" he asked me. "I don't need to hide from you." 他苦笑：“你现在快乐吗？” “很快乐。”我故意幸福地微笑。 “那就好了，我不会再骚扰你。我只是担心你不快乐。” “你太自大了，没有你的日子，我也生活得很愉快。” “是的，你脸上写着幸福两个字。” “是吗？谢谢你。我要回去收拾行李，我明天要上北京。” 他笑得很无奈。 “再见。”我跟他说。 “再见。”他说。 我转身离开，离开他的视线。我刚才装着很幸福的样子，不过用来抵抗他的诱惑。他的觉悟来得太晚。 我听到口琴的声音，应该是很远的，却沉重地压在我的心里，那首歌是我熟悉的，是林方文写给我的除夕之歌： 我仍然是那个听到他的情歌会流泪的女子。 我在北京和香港之间来回了很多次，林方文遵守诺言，没有再找我。对他来说，那天晚上求我跟他见面，已经很不容易，他从来不会求我。 八月，迪之和光蕙结伴来北京探我，我们一起游故宫，那还是我头一次游故宫。 “上次我们一起去旅行是两年多前的事了。”我说。 “是啊！我觉得自己老了。”光蕙。 “那是因为你跟一个年纪比你大二十年的男人恋爱的缘故。”迪之跟她说。 “你和他怎样？”我问光蕙。 “我来这里之前，刚刚和他吵架。” "why?" “为了他太太。” “我早就警告过你。”迪之说，“这是第三者的下场，不会有结果的。” “你呢？”我问迪之，“你的伯母政策有效吗？” “我来这里之前刚刚跟田宏吵架。我越来越忍受不了他，正确一点说，我是忍受不了做他的女人的压力，我很累。” “我也累，真是怀念没有男人的日子。”光蕙倚在我肩上说。 “我也很累。”我说：“有一个男人对你好，也是一件很疲累的事。” 在迪之和光蕙离开北京前的一天晚上，我们结伴去吃清真烤肉，庆祝迪之跳槽到一间新的唱片公司做公关经理。清真人的烤炉有一张六人饭桌那么大，我们一边靠牛肉，一边唱《明天会更好》，迪之提议和五加皮，我和光蕙只能奉陪一小杯。 “我也有一个好消息告诉你们，我刚刚完成了一个铺位交易，价值一千二百万。”光蕙说。 “哗，佣金不少呢，恭喜你！”我跟光蕙碰杯。 “去他的男人！”迪之说：“我们不需要男人。” “是啊！我们不需倚靠男人，也有本事活得很好。”光蕙说。 “我需要男人的。”我说，“我才不要跟你们两个人一生一世。” “你猜你会不会嫁给徐起飞？”迪之问我。 "I do not know either." “你别忘了我们三个人的协定，如果你最先出嫁，要赔偿我们每人五千元。”光蕙说。 “也许是迪之先出嫁呢。”我说。 迪之呷了一口五加皮，没理我们。 饭后我们手拉手逛天安门。喝了五加皮，我的身体象发热一样，浑身滚烫。 迪之醉昏昏，问我：“什么是一生一世？” 我在思索一个最好的答案，迎面而来，是三个北京青年，打扮很前卫。跟三个青年走在一起的，如果我没有醉眼昏花，应该是林方文。在那个广阔的天地里，当我思索着一生一世的问题时，何以偏偏遇上他？ “很久没有见面了。”林方文望着我说。 林方文望着我，想说什么似的，我浑身发热，身体象被火燃烧一样，什么也听不到就昏过去。 醒来的时候，我睡在酒店房间的床上，迪之和光蕙坐在床沿。 “你喝醉了，刚才在天安门昏倒，是林方文把你抱回来的。”迪之告诉我。 "he's gone?" “走了，他一直抱着你回来，他抱着你的动作真好看，他是很适合抱着你的。”迪之躺在我身旁说。 “他好象还很爱你。”光蕙也躺在我身旁。 “迪之，你刚才不是问我什么是一生一世吗？”我问她。 "yes." “一生一世是不应该有背叛的。” “不。”光蕙说，“一生一世是那个人背叛了你，你仍然希望他回到你身边。” “我没有这个希望。”我说。 “那忘了他吧！”迪之说，“才子不太可靠，还是医生比较脚踏实地。” “他为什么来北京？”我问迪之。 “那三个北京青年是一支地下乐队，他跟他们是好朋友。” 北京的冬天来得很早，十月已有寒意，十一月份已经要穿上大衣。十一月底，是我那一年度最后一次需要上北京工作，徐起飞送我到机场，临入闸前，他把一个纸袋交给我，纸袋里，有一盒重甸甸的东西。 “是什么来的？” “你在飞机上拆开看看。”他神秘地说。 在飞机上，我拆开盒子，原来是一件有开司米内呢的干湿褛，捧在手上，很温暖。徐起飞应该正在车上，想到我拆开礼物，会幸福地微笑，可是我没有，我毫不感动。我对自己的反应有点吃惊，从前他对我做每一件事，我也感动，可是，自从在天安门再碰见林方文之后，徐起飞已经不能感动我。我对他所做的事，开始无动于衷。 那一次我从北京回来，他来接机，看见我没有穿上那件干湿褛，很失望。 “那件干湿褛是不是不合身？”他问我。 "no." 他没有再追问。 十二月卅一日，徐起飞不用当值，可以陪我度除夕，我们选择跟去年一样在兰桂坊一间法国餐厅吃饭。 我买了一只塑胶手表送给徐起飞，他很喜欢。 “这个型号很有收藏价值呢。”他说。 我花了很多时间，才找到那只手表，我觉得我应该对他好一点，我不断辜负他。 他送给我的礼物是一枚蓝宝石指环。那种蓝色是秋天里天色刚晚的蓝色，很漂亮。 “为什么是蓝宝石指环？”我问他。 “我们的爱情是蓝色的。” “蓝色？为什么？” “象秋天里天色刚晚的蓝色，我不知道它是否会变成黑夜，抑或经过了黑夜，又会再度明亮。”他凝望着我，有点迷惘。 我突然下定了决心：“对不起。也许我们应该分手。” 他听到那句话，嘴巴紧闭着，脸有点发青。 “我替你套上指环。”他伤感地拉着我的手。 “不，不要给我，你留给一个更值得你爱的女孩子吧。”我难过地说。 他低下头，一直默默地吃光面前的东西，没有理会我。临危不乱，也许是他的职业病。 晚上十一时卅分，他吩咐侍应结账。 “我们出去倒数。”他起立。 “你先收回指环。” “给你的东西，我是不会收回的。”他拉着我的手离开，没有理会放在桌上的指环，我唯有把指环放在我的皮包里。 兰桂坊的主要通道上挤满了人，人潮比往年更厉害，许多人在临时搭建的舞台前等候倒数，舞台上有乐队演唱。徐起飞拉着我的手走进人群里，他的手很冷，他使劲地握着我的手，丝毫不肯放松。 “我的手很疼。” “对不起。”他轻轻放开了我的手：“我害怕你会走失。” 外籍主持人拿着一瓶香槟跑上台，他说是新年礼物。询问哪一位观众想拿走那份新年礼物，兰桂坊里所有听到这句话的人，差不多都举手，我没有，但徐起飞举起了他的手，他昂首挺胸，以志在必得的神情遥遥盯住台上的洋人，洋人也许被他的坚定慑住了，在千百只高举的手之中，选择了他。看着他跑上台，我很讶异，他从来不会做这种事。 徐起飞在洋人手上接过香槟，对着扩音器宣告：“程韵，I love you forever！”他以哀伤的眼神望着我，整个兰桂坊的人都为他鼓掌。 徐起飞捧着香槟跑到台下，我和他的距离差不多有二十米，人群将我们分开。外籍节目主持人在台上带领大家倒数最后十秒迎接一九九二年的来临，台下的观众忘形地喝采，人潮从四方八面涌到，我看见徐起飞吃力地穿过人群，想走到我身边。他那么强壮，却被人群挤压得露出痛苦的表情，我尝试走向他，双脚不断被人践踏，他示意我不要再走，他正努力走向我。 台上的外籍支持人倒数一九九二年最后三秒，徐起飞和我之间，还相隔了数十人，他一定很想和我度过那一刻，我也渴望可以跟他度过我们一起的最后一个除夕，可是，我们都要失望。整个兰桂坊的人狂欢、跳舞、喝酒、喷出缤纷的彩带，一九九二年来临了，徐起飞终于游到我面前。 “新年快乐！”我跟他说。 “对不起。”他抱着香槟说：“如果不是为了这瓶香槟，便不会错过跟你一起倒数。” “我们只是迟了片刻。”我安慰他。 “迟了就是迟了。”他沮丧地垂下头，把香槟放进口袋里。 “对不起，是我负你。”我跟他说。 “你从来没有忘记他？”他问我。 我无话可说，我骗不到他。 “你和他复合？” “没有。”我斩钉截铁告诉他。 “那为什么？” 我凝望着他，不忍心告诉他我对他的爱太单薄。 我把放着蓝宝石指环的绒盒子从皮包拿出来给他：“这个还给你。” 他接过绒盒，放在西裤的口袋里。 “我送你回家。”他平静地跟我说。 "No." “走吧！”他拉着我的手。 我双脚很痛，走了几步路，已经走不动。 “我走不动。”我跟他说。 我坐在石级上，双脚痛得几乎失去感觉。 “我替你脱掉鞋子看看。” 他替我脱掉鞋子，我的脚趾正在淌血。 他从口袋里拿出那一瓶香槟，“卜”的一声拔掉瓶塞。 "what are you doing?" 他把香槟倒在我的一双脚上。 “酒精可以消毒。” 他在口袋里拿出一条手帕，细心为我洗擦伤口。金黄色的香槟麻醉着血肉模糊的伤口。 “想不到我会用这种方法来喝香槟。”我苦笑。 “还痛吗？”他问我。 “不那么痛了。” “新年快乐。”他跟我说。 "Happy New Year." I said. “你会不会恨我？” "What do you think?" I nod. 他失望地说：“你还不了解我？现在或将来我也不会恨你。我仍然觉得你在教堂里唱歌的模样很可爱，真的很可爱，值得我为你做任何事。我们可以一起两年已经是我意料之外的事，我以为你不会给我机会。虽然你没有爱过我——” “不。”我阻止他说下去：“我曾经爱过你，只是那些岁月太短暂。你对我来说，是太好了。” “我们回去吧。”我跟徐起飞说。 “你走得动吗？” “可以的。”我强忍着痛楚。 “我来背你。” "No need to." “让我为你做最后一件事情吧。”他在我跟前弯下身子，“来！” 我挽着鞋子，爬到他的背上。 “我是不是很重？”我问他。 “因为他是你第一个男人？”他问我。 “因为我不想骗你。”我说。 “你跟我做爱时，是不是想着他？”他问我。 “为什么要这样问？” “我想知道。”他一边走一边说。 “不是。”我说了一个谎话令他好过点，事实在我第一次跟他做爱的时候，我是想着林方文的，以后有好几次，我也是想着他，但也有好多次，我只想着徐起飞。 我看不到徐起飞的脸，不知道他是否相信我的说话，是哀伤，还是凄苦地笑。 他把我放在车厢里，驶车送我回家，他的一双皮鞋原来也破烂了。 “你双脚有没有受伤？”我问他。 "No." 他背着我走上楼。 “再见。”我跟他说。 他吻我，我没有反抗，他抱紧我，把脸贴着我。 “再见。”他说。 我从窗口看着他离去，才发现他走路一拐一拐的，他的双脚一定也受了伤。 除夕之后，我再赴北京公干，徐起飞没有来送行，他永远不会再出现了。除夕晚，看着他离去的背影，我很想收回我的说话，尝试再爱他一次，可是，我还是铁石心肠。如果光蕙知道，她一定说我傻，在未找到另一个男人之前便跟他分手。也许是因为孙维栋吧。看着他被光蕙折磨，尊严丧尽，我不想一个用心爱我的男人受那种折磨。 从北京回来，徐起飞没有来接我。一个人提着行李等计程车原来是很寂寞的，但却比以前轻松，我不用再背负一个男人的爱。 回到家里，案头有一封信，我拆开信封，是徐起飞写给我的信，信里说： “不能把你留在身边，不是你的过错，而是我的失败。在你曾经爱过我的那些短暂岁月里，我或许是世上最幸福的人，只是那些日子已成过去，要留也留不住。我知道爱不可以乞求，如果我能够为你做一件事，便是等待。” 我曾经对他说过我从来没有收过男孩子的情信，他说要他写一封情信比起做一个大手术更困难，他终于写了，而我能为他做些什么？原来当你不爱一个人，他的情信只是一份纪念而已。 晚上，我接到徐起飞的电话。 “我们一起吃饭好吗？”他问我。 “不行，我约了迪之和光蕙。”我找个藉口推了他。 He is silent. “你的脚伤怎样？”我问他，“那天晚上，我看到你走路一拐一拐的。” “不要紧，只是擦伤了，你一直望着我离去？” “起飞，”我说，“忘了我吧！” “明天我要负责一项大手术，是我从没有做过的。手术失败，病人便会死。我想跟你见面，最后一次，好不好？”他用失去自信的声音请求我。 我无法再拒绝他。 一小时后，我们在餐厅见面，他的样子很颓丧。 “你不用为手术作准备吗？” “要的。”他随即叫了一瓶红酒，“你要喝吗？” “你还喝酒？” “我唯一可以做的准备便是喝酒。” 他呷了一口酒。 “我替你喝。”我拿过酒杯。 他握着酒杯不肯放手，说：“请让我喝酒，世上也许没有一个不喝酒的外科医生。” "why?" “压力太大了。” “但你从来没有象今天晚上喝得这么多。” “因为从前有你。你可以替我舒缓很多压力。”他不理会我的劝告，悲哀地喝酒。 “请为病人着想。”我怪责他。 “我也是病人。”他苦笑。 “那我陪你喝。”我跟徐起飞一起喝光那瓶红酒。 “好了！不能再喝了。”徐起飞站起来说：“再喝的话，明天便不能做手术，我不可以要另一个人为我失恋而赔上性命。” “你一直是一个很理智的人。”我说。 “我一直想做一个不负责任的人。”他苦笑。 离开餐厅，徐起飞问我：“我可以再抱你一次吗？” I nod. 他用身体把我包裹着，十只手指紧紧抓住我的背部，我的背很痛，他的脸很烫。我让他抱着，不知道他想抱多久。 “我不想失去你。”徐起飞苦涩地说。 我没有说话。 他终于轻轻地放手：“再抱下去我就舍不得放手了。” “你有没有喝醉？”我问他。 “我从来没有试过醉酒，太清醒可能是我的悲哀。” “手术什么时候开始？” “明早七时四十五分。” 我看看腕表，差不多二时：“你快回去休息，答应我，你明天早上会做得很出色的。” He nods. 我在床上想着徐起飞，我真害怕他手术会出了岔子，那么，他的前途便完了。我迷迷糊糊睡了，醒来的时候，刚好是清晨七时四十五分，他应该已在手术室作好准备。 他说手术需要六小时，我在办公室里一直忐忑不安，下午二时，我传呼他。二时三十分，他仍然没有覆电话给我，我再