Chapter 3 third chapter

Lan Xiao in January 2002 When the days became old photos and when the old photos became memories, we became passers-by walking back to back, along different directions, stubbornly moving away step by step, there was no Athens, no Rome, and there was no way back. I don't know if all love stories will have a critical point. At a certain moment, on a certain day, those gold coins that were carefully saved all disappeared, and the child who saved the money suddenly cried sadly. I don’t know when, the days of going to school alone began, the days of staying in the library quietly, the days of watching the leaves slowly fall, and the days of riding a bicycle began at midnight The days of doing the test papers alone began. I heard the sound of my life biting into loneliness, and I could see the gears turning, rattling and chipping.I can see Qi Ming standing under the tree behind me and looking at me. The person who used to drive me by bicycle all day now dare not even approach me.

Sometimes when I look up at the sky, I think, is this a joke? When this winter came, a major change happened to Qi Ming's family. The so-called major change was actually the divorce of his parents. This is as normal as rain in China today.But to Qi Ming, it might be like an earthquake.The mansions and bridges that had been built in his ideal suddenly collapsed, leaving dust and devastation everywhere. Then, like all children from single-parent families, he began to indulge his youth and squander his life. He has become a person I don't know, with long hair and a cold and aloof expression. The once bright smile became more and more blurred and dim in my mind. I don't know if I will be like " Like Zeng Zhiwei in "Half a Cigarette", although he tried hard to remember that smile, he worked hard every day, but finally one day he still forgot it.

I began to see Qi Ming's angry expressions towards his teammates when he was playing football, and occasionally kicked the ball out of the field with a strong kick. I started to see Qi Ming with some gangsters from school, whistling at pretty girls passing by.Once I walked past them quietly, and those people whistled at me. I was sad to see Qi Ming among them, bowing his head and not speaking. I began to see Qi Ming sleeping unscrupulously lying on the table in class, and saw the teacher shaking his head in disappointment and continuing to teach.And I always keep my head down and write my notes carefully, which are full of several pages.

I couldn't find Qi Ming's name in the top ten or even top twenty of the class. I started writing a lot of words on the white walls, all kinds of words, I hope he can see.But the wall on the right has not been written for a long time.It seems that I am singing a one-man show alone, but I don’t know if I have the ability to stand until the end, when the time is reversed, and the time flows through the ferns like a stream again, and Qi Ming smiles at me, just like that summer that year. I started learning to ride a bike because no one was driving me home anymore. I started to paste Qi Ming's sketches that he had originally placed here on the wall, and looked at them one by one.I know no matter how much I look at it, I can’t see more than one, but why do I keep watching until I’m familiar with it and get tired of it, but I still inevitably sit on the ground with my knees in my arms and cry?

I started to hide in the distance and watch Qi Ming, I saw him take out his wallet to buy Coke in the school canteen, I saw him carrying his schoolbag and walking through the tree-lined avenue behind the library building, I saw him look up at the fragments of sunlight, and I saw him sitting on the bleachers of the playground Looking up at the sky, seeing him staying alone in the classroom to make up his homework because he didn't hand in his homework, seeing him standing under the camphor leaves falling one by one, seeing him getting lonely day by day, it hurts his heart. But everyone didn't notice my unhappiness. I laughed and laughed every day, laughing more than anyone else. When I got home, I was so sad that I couldn't even cry. I just kept crying.I would cry when I saw the goldfish that Qi Ming gave me die, I would cry when I saw an advertisement that Qi Ming liked, and I would be sad when I saw a bottle of shampoo.

I spent my winter alone like this. Sometimes when I finished a lot of test papers like a machine in the middle of the night, I suddenly saw that silent phone, and I didn’t even have the courage to bring it up.But I know, whether I call or not, this phone will never ring in the middle of the night again.I took a sip of water, and then choked until tears flowed down the table. Faye Wong sings, every day there is a dream that dies in reality.Who would have believed that Qi Ming and I would become the kind of people who just say hello and then pass each other?Who believes? Monthly exam, mid-term exam, one-mode, two-mode.I can no longer find Qi Ming's name in the top two hundred.If possible, I would rather learn for him, no matter how late I stay up, no matter how much coffee I drink, no matter whether my eyes are beautiful or not.Every time when the results are announced, Qi Ming always stands far away from the crowd, arms folded, leaning against the wall, looking at the gray winter sky, the gray tone is like the shadow of Qi Ming's sketch .

I remember I used to always ask Qi Ming, hey, do you think there are gods in the sky? He said yes. I said, why didn't they respond when I made a wish? He said that not every time an angel walks through the sky has a voice. Qi Ming, what about you now, are you looking at your god? I spent the winter with a bad cold, and my cold suddenly got better on the day of the beginning of spring.During the days when I was lying at home, many classmates came to see me, but Qi Ming, who I most wanted to see, didn't even have a phone number. But no matter what, the sun is getting better day by day.When I was standing on the balcony watering the flowers, I looked up at the sky. I don’t know when those gray clouds have dispersed, but I don’t know if there is no sadness under the blue sky.

I stood in the wind of early spring, on the balcony, thinking of Qi Ming. In August 2002, Qi Ming said that trainspotting is an ancient game in Scotland.Bored old people and children stand under the gray iron stop sign and guess the time and number of the next train to pass the boring time and life.I guessed the ending, but forgot the beginning, the summer that never came back. I remember that when I was in junior high school, I used to write Xi Murong's song in my notebook, writing "Suddenly I forgot what kind of beginning, in that summer that never came back", and "No matter how I chase after Suo, young you are just passing by like a cloud shadow, and your smiling face is very shallow, gradually disappearing into the haze after sunset."

After my parents separated, I often stayed at home alone, flipping through books that I had forgotten for a long time, and occasionally saw my childish fonts appear suddenly.Or wake up suddenly to listen to an opera on a rainy night, wrap up in a quilt and listen to the Italian soprano's fine voice that is about to break, rushing out of the room and disappearing into the sound of the rain outside.A person suddenly has a freedom that has never been imagined, but suddenly becomes empty, like losing his own soul. I've grown to like the street stall downstairs where I always have dinner.The hostess was very nice to me because I am a regular customer.I suddenly and sadly found that only here can I find the feeling of home every day, where there are cooking fumes, meals, laughter and quarrels.

I didn't look for Lan Xiao again, and I don't know why.I just vaguely feel that there must be a fork in front of us, and we must go in different directions. I was still absent from class, but I was no longer with Lan Xiao. Every day I saw her live to the fullest, with pages filled with notes.Laughing at everyone, happily making me feel ashamed of myself. I often go to the playground behind the school, stand in the knee-high grass and look up at the sky, lie at the foot of the white wall, and read the words Lan Xiao left for me. "You haven't come to see me for many mornings, and I'm often late. Every day when I go downstairs, I can't see you riding on a bicycle complaining about my slow movement. I feel very uncomfortable."

"Why don't you come to find me for lunch? You always sent me to eat before, but now there is always a lot of fat left in my bowl, which I used to eat for you." "Did you bring the bracelet I gave you? I dare not look at your hand, for fear that you would have lost it long ago." "Can I call you at night? I'll just call earlier, don't worry I won't disturb you." "Do you want the gloves you left at my house last winter? I'll bring them to you. There is fog every morning, and your rider will freeze off." "Qi Ming, haven't you been here all this time? Haven't you read my words?" "Qi Ming, I have a bad cold. I haven't come to class for the past few days and stayed at home. Why didn't you call me?" I was lying under the wall, looking at the sky with tears, thinking of Lan Xiao. Lan Xiao learned how to ride a bicycle by herself. That day I saw a boy teaching her on the playground. She learned so fast.I saw her smile, still as brisk as a gust of wind.There was also the boy who stood behind her and smiled at her very patiently. That winter was the coldest winter I felt, because suddenly I was the only one left in my family, my mother had her own new home, and so did my father, and I was the proof that they had a home before, so I stayed With this house, I spend the cold nights of winter alone.The rain in my fish tank died one by one, these tropical fish escaped last year's cold but not this year's cold, I feel sad to watch them come to the surface one by one. When spring came, I went to Lan Xiao’s house to see her once, but I didn’t call her. I stood downstairs and saw her watering the flowers. The wind blew her hair. Laughed.I suddenly remembered what Lan Xiao said, I feel so lonely even when I smile.In fact, I didn't tell her that with her, I would never be lonely again. But now it is summer, the sun is shining high above my head, the cold of winter is so far away from me, it seems like a world away.The sun was so bright that I couldn't keep my eyes open.I slept again at the train station for the night.Those cleaners seem to know us already, they call me and C people as "those little bastards at the train station", I don't know why I want to tear my youth into small pieces and throw it in this hell At the train station, I think I must be hiding in a corner and crying in those days that were wasted by me. After I had a dream I sold my guitar and used the money to buy rock magazines, buy CDs, and play games day and night until I got blisters on my hands.In the dream, Lan Xiao became a famous pianist, wearing a gorgeous evening dress, and I was still the student in jeans with a black guitar on his back. Many times I thought about jumping off the track when the train came, then everything would be over, and this noisy world would have nothing to do with me anymore.But when I thought of Lan Xiao crying, I didn't want to. At the end of this August, I saw Lan Xiao who was going to university at the train station. Many friends and relatives sent her off. She stood among them, wearing a long white dress, like a beautiful princess.I sat on the far right row of chairs and watched her hug everyone goodbye and watch her get on the train with such heavy luggage. I stood in the fading siren, watched Lan Xiao's train fall below the horizon, and thought sadly: When can I see her again? In September, I made a decision. I was going to Beijing to find Lan Xiao. I called my mother to help me arrange a second-rate university in Beijing. She said it was no problem, and she told me to be careful alone.I said to the phone, I learned to take care of myself from the day I became a person, you don't have to worry about me.Then I heard her crying softly on the phone, and I suddenly realized that I had forgiven her a long time ago, and I suddenly wondered whether my mother dyed her hair regularly, because her hair was starting to turn gray. When I was standing on the platform with my luggage, autumn had already arrived, there were many people around, and the train rumbled into the station. I was thinking about the summer that just passed, thinking about my dark season, thinking about them I don't know where I'm wandering, thinking that Lan Xiao has already started class, and thinking that I must accompany her to watch the snow scene in Beijing in the future, pull off the windbreaker and hug her tightly. My last memory came suddenly, I just remember that the crowd suddenly became turbulent, I was squeezed to the edge of the platform and stepped into the air, then I saw the number and license plate of the train, saw the driver's frightened face, and heard the surrounding The screams of the crowd, the dull sound of the locomotive hitting my chest, and I was flying high, pain ripping from the depths of every cell. When my soul began to move away from me, I suddenly thought, I don’t know if there is a telephone booth in heaven, I want to call Lan Xiao, because I have never told her that I love her.