Chapter 2 Chapter 1 "High Maintenance Woman"

My friend Zhang Bao introduced a girlfriend for me. "I can't catch her, but you can try. She's a 'high-maintenance woman' and takes care of her 24 hours a day." "'High-maintenance women'?" machine." "You mean she is weak and sick?" "I mean she has high standards, demands a lot, and has a lot of rules about food, clothing, housing, and transportation. If you don't like it, she will take it out on you. They expect the environment and people to cooperate with them. If the floor is too cold, they want carpets all over the world, and they don’t want to put on slippers themselves.” “You’re talking too mysterious.” “For example, before going to work in the morning, When you go to 7-11 to buy things, there is a large group of people in front of the counter, and everyone is in a hurry. When she is paying the bill, after getting the change from the clerk, she will block the counter, put the money in her purse aggressively, and return it. Slowly tidy up, as if she is the only one in the world..." "You still introduce this kind of woman to me?" "She is so beautiful, you will shatter your glasses when you see her. When she is wearing Audrey Hepburn style black dress, you will be moved to kneel at her toes and cry.” I agreed to the appointment without hesitation.When we arrived at the restaurant next to the Mucha MRT station, Zhang Bao came, but the heroine hadn't arrived yet.

"Didn't she ask a lot," I asked, "Why did she choose such a remote restaurant?" "She lives in Muzha and refuses to go to any place that the Muzha MRT line cannot reach." "You mean..."" I mean, when I chased her, I could only make an appointment at the Science and Technology Building or Wanfang Hospital, talking about computers or looking at dead bodies." "Can't she take a taxi?" "She hates the taxi driver who locks the door after driving and hangs a Buddha statue in the rearview mirror , listening to Taiwanese programs, and complimenting her skin maliciously." The waiter brought the menu, and I asked: "What's delicious here?" "It's all bad." "Then why are we here?" Eat western food?" "Why?" "She can't stand a bunch of people smashing a dish with chopsticks, she thinks it's eating other people's saliva. Besides, Chinese food is too greasy, and she, like all beautiful women, will never lose weight. Not light enough. For her, eating is like pleasuring herself in bed. It is not harmful to her health, but she always has trouble with her conscience.” 30 minutes passed, and she still had no news.

"She may have gone to exercise. She has to go to the gym after work every day, and her clothes are so tight that all men panic. She watches CNBC when she runs, and she actually admires herself in the mirror when she does dumbbells." "And she doesn't eat beef, salad from Without any dressing?" "That's right, her life is like a health care dictionary! But ironically, she is addicted to hairspray, and when she walks by you, you will feel like she has brought out a bucket of perfume fondue. "What's the use of such a beautiful woman?" "The problem is, besides being beautiful, they are also very smart. I'm not talking about the kind of smartness that a female Taiwan University in Beibei first lists a "to-do list" when she enters the company in the morning. It’s a kind of familiarity with civilization. They know what to order, what brand to wear, which color lipstick to wear, and which button to open on their chest. They know how to call the price when they go to the auction, and they can upgrade to a higher level for free when they go to the restaurant. Nice room. They stop in the middle of teasing to talk about the truth of the universe, and like to kick your chair under the conference table after dumping you. You feel dignified, excited, in a movie, and There are a lot of eyes around. No wonder they are so self-centered because it’s really their world and we’re just inhabiting it.” I suddenly had the fear of not paying my rent for months.

"However, this kind of familiarity has developed to the extreme, and it has become exhausted after seeing all kinds of strange things. For them, innocence is like a classmate in elementary school. They used to be inseparable, but now they don't know or care where it lives. When she saw it on the MRT Two handsome guys, I bet you that what she thought of was not the roses that the boy in the attached high school gave her when she was young, but the mnagetrois in the five-star hotel all night—” At this time Zhang Bao’s mobile phone rang, and he answered When he got up, his complexion changed drastically.

"She can't come!" Zhang Bao said, "She has to call the United States tonight to discuss a $1 million business." I was extremely disappointed, and grabbed Zhang Bao's cell phone, "What's her phone number?" "She I won't come!" "What's her phone number?" I dialed the number, and the person picked it up immediately, and I pretended to be low and said, "Where are you?" "Richard! I'm in a taxi and I'll be at Hyatt soon. Wait for me—" I hung up the phone. "What did she say?" "She thought I was Richard. She said she was in a taxi and would be arriving at Hyatt soon." "She lied to me!" Zhang Bao picked up his phone angrily, and I stopped him.Who are we kidding?How can a high-maintenance woman notice us as a lowly animal?

"Protein Girl" Last week, Zhang Bao was going to introduce a woman to me to release pigeons. I was so sad that I didn’t want to eat anything for a week. "Don't be sad, I know a lot of good girls." "No need." "Don't be ignorant, I will introduce you to a "protein girl"." "Is she a nutritionist?" "She is my colleague. She is like Protein is the same: healthy, pure, nutritious, and complete. With her, you will grow tall and strong!" "I don't want to be tall and strong when I have a girlfriend." "What you want is romance, passion, adventure, experimentation , French kiss, Olympic gold medal gymnastics posture?" "I'm not greedy for the Olympic gold medal gymnastics posture, but you are pretty close!" "How old are you?" "32." "No, you are 23 years old! Because you are only 23 An immature man like 10 years old would want those things. You remember today's date because today I'm going to tell you a truth. Do you want to go to the bathroom to get toilet paper? Because I guarantee you will cry when you hear it. Listen Written by: Women who give you those things usually lose interest in you after a month or maxed out their credit cards. Those exciting women are like a great circus you can watch but better not participate in. Their game It belongs to the professional field, and you can only be their asses at best. Every move they make is a stunt, and you can't learn it and can't afford it. They are destined to migrate, leaving you with only messy glasses after parties." I think of the old days Thrilling girls with purple eyeshadow and French names.When we first met, she would care about your elementary school teacher, and the next day she would invite you to Italy to study the history of pizza. After a week, she would let you experience the happiest thing in life. After a month, her mobile phone suddenly ran out of battery. .You call her home and she says "I'm busy this week", "I'm on a diet", "My dog ​​is short-sighted", "I'm missing one of my slippers", after hearing all the excuses, you decide to call her The company is waiting for her. "Don't you love me anymore?" You asked after chasing her outside the door of her office building.She gives you a blank stare, "I've never loved you!" But that's not what really makes me vomit, what really makes me vomit is this: I've done that to other people too.Those healthy women who are kind, sincere, not hungry, and don’t go around in circles, I asked for a phone call but never called, and I didn’t send her home at two o’clock in the middle of the night.Every time they called, I said I was very busy, and I was talking to them while surfing the Internet.My concern for them is always sporadic, and I take their efforts for granted.From lying to them to experience the pleasure of deception, using disappointing them as a means of revenge against the evil girl.

"Introduce me to Protein Girl!" I yelled in a penitent mood. We met to climb Yangmingshan, and Zhang Bao and I were waiting for her at the super store at the foot of the mountain. "But I have to warn you," Zhang Bao said, "she is a girl with a very good personality!" I immediately understood what he meant, "It's okay, I don't pay attention to appearance." God, who am I kidding, men don't pay attention In appearance, it is like saying that tigers are not carnivorous.I raised my head and took a sip of mineral water.It doesn't matter, I am also a member of primates, I can sublimate and restrain myself.

"She and I didn't fall in love at first sight. We only discovered her many advantages after we got together," Zhang Bao said. "She is a Leo and Pisces, and she can speak Japanese and French at the same time. She gets up early, runs for half an hour after getting up, eats She goes to the office after eating cereal. She is virtuous, making a dozen ham sandwiches every day, and bringing them to the office for colleagues to eat. She is polite, handing the paper when the courier has rain on her face, and lifting the chair when the cleaning lady comes to clean the floor. She is on time, Call to confirm the day before dating you, and send a card the next day to thank you for the juice you ordered. She is innocent, love is like Song Ci and Tang poetry, with beautiful artistic conception and neat confrontation; sex is like Arabic, she knows its existence but does not understand what it means. She is kind, and during her menstrual period, she would pick up a large bucket to change the water in the drinking fountain, and she would sort out the garbage carefully when no one was paying attention. She is responsible, repairing the photocopier to the end when it is jammed with paper, and cleaning the sink after washing the bento. She is polite, chewing Mouth never opens during food, crossed legs must be covered with skirts. She is romantic, favorite movie is "Breakfast at Tiffany's", and can go days without eating after a breakup. She is strong and bumps into me at the desk She was intimate with the work-study students, and she squatted down to pick up the pen on the ground for me. She..." From a distance, we saw the protein girl waving towards her.Let her change my life, I said to God, so that love will no longer have the coldness of minerals, the roughness of fiber, the greasyness of cholesterol, and the scarcity of calcium.Let her walk into my undernourished life and help me grow strong and tall.

"laser head" Some beautiful women are like Neihu: remote, isolated, with beautiful lakes and mountains, there are garbage incinerators under the exterior, and they are getting plastic surgery every day, and construction projects are everywhere. Zhang Bao introduced Protein Girl to me last week, and I realized how sad life was in the past.For the first time, I felt happy, like drinking a glass of fresh milk: pure, tasteless, but full of nutrients, flowing through every vein. "After we came back from climbing, she wrote me a letter!" I showed off to Zhang Bao. "What did she write?" "The point is not what she wrote, the point is that people still write letters these days! It's not a mobile phone, it's not an E-mail, it's a handwritten letter with a stamp on it and glue on the seal! I As I read the letter, I could see her nibbling on her ballpoint pen, weighing each adjective. I could see her running to the post office, standing at the counter and checking my family’s Zip code." I cheered, "She is such a special girl!" "Because she is so special," Zhang Bao pulled down my arms, "Now there is another person chasing her." "What?" I yell.

"And it's a laser head!" ""Laser head"?" "He is as precise, fast, sharp, and smart as a laser. As long as he releases the beam, he will definitely hit the target within a thousandth of a second." I fell on the spot. On the sidewalk, "Then he should go to a shooting competition, or help people correct their eyesight, why do you want to grab a girlfriend from me?" "He is an MBA from Harvard Business School, the general manager of a bank." "What's the big deal, I'm a Harvard Kindergartener Graduated, I am ahead of him at Harvard." Although I was stubborn, my mood fell to the bottom.Unexpectedly, the distance between happiness and despair is so close, so close that there is only a beam of laser light.

"He's handsome, and he was a model in college." (I volunteered to clean up chemical waste in college.) "He's an athletic guy who was a QB in high school." "What's a QB?" "Quarterback. A quarterback in American football who calls the shots and decides where the ball goes. After the game the cheerleaders go to the locker room to grab him for a change. I hope to collect his residual body fluids on it. He is a star QB in colleges in the United States, and girls who want to date him can line up from Taiwan to Shaanxi!" (I had TB in high school, called tuberculosis. After that, I was weak and sick , Climbing up a flight of stairs, I can't figure out where the zipper is. I seem to exude a centrifugal force, and the people who want to associate with me are all on Mars.) "He makes tens of millions a year." (My salary probably doesn't cover his dinner.) "He was sitting in a coffee shop waiting for someone, and he used to flip his thick hair back with his hands." (I tried the same action, and half of the already thinning hair would fall out again.) I countered, "I have read "The True Story of Ah Q", and I believe that these perfect people must have ulterior flaws, such as hernias, because only in this way the world is fair." "Hernias? Did you make a mistake, he When I was a model, I shot an underwear advertisement!" "Then he has a stutter!" "Stutter? He participated in a debate competition in junior high school, and talked about his opponent until he raised a white flag." "He can never distinguish the past tense and past participle of English verbs! "He even memorizes the oyster noodle recipes that are attracted to the magnets on the refrigerator at home in English. I think he can handle the past participle more than enough." "So...he, he is actually related to the protein girl!" "You wake up Wake up, this world is not fair. Otherwise, how can you and I deserve to know the protein girl?" Yes, this is the inferiority of men: when we benefit from the unfairness of the world, we never mention it; When we suffer, we scold the Three Character Classic to our ancestors. "Wait a minute," I flashed back, "if the laser head is so perfect, he can meet models or movie stars, how can he fall in love with ordinary-looking protein girls?" "He has obviously recently realized that many beautiful women are like Neihu: The remote, isolated, beautiful lakes and mountains have a garbage incinerator under the surface, and they are being remodeled every day, and construction projects are everywhere." "But I have also realized it!" "How did you become so enlightened? You have never met a beautiful woman!" "Okay, maybe I'm not as thorough as he is, but I got to know protein first, and I got a lot of enlightenment before him!" "Better than him"? This is not elementary school, and it doesn't make any sense! The head fell down, and at this moment I could only see her writing to the laser head.She probably didn't need to stand in front of the post office counter to look up his home's zip code. The laser head must live in Ren'ai'anhe or Dunhuanan, in short, the high-end area of ​​106. I sit on the busy street, the joy that was like fresh milk is now sour, I can't drink it, and I don't know where the trash can is.Laser head QB, how can I frame you? "Lady Killer" Last week I found out that my rival was Laser Head, and I started drinking in frustration. "You have to cheer up," Zhang Bao said, "you are still saved, let us devise a conspiracy." "Conspiracy?" "No one will give up laser head and choose you," Zhang Bao said, "to win protein, we You must confuse her." "For example..." "We can spread a rumor that Laser Head is gay." Here I have to explain something.There is a kind of brotherhood between men and men, a kind of morality in the rivers and lakes.The concrete manifestation of this kind of morality is a set of rules. We never mention this set of rules to women, because it is the only weapon we have when fighting women.This set of rules allowed us to squeeze into the dormitory in high school and boast about our first time with each other, and when someone had a big belly, he introduced clinics and enthusiastically raised money.When we were in college, we squatted outside the door so that our roommates could have the first experience of love inside the house. When the roommate’s second girlfriend came to make rounds, we took her to eat oyster omelette.When we were soldiers, we told each other the lowest price we could get on Huaxi Street. When our colleagues returned late, they lied to the platoon leader that he had eaten unclean seafood.After entering the society, the powerful women comforted each other in alcohol, and the difficult women praised each other after smirking.After getting married, they kept their friends' affairs absolutely secret, and borrowed keys from each other to complete their one-night stand.This set of rules is sacred and inviolable, allowing men to keep their friendship even after they have nothing... "And the first rule of this set..." I reminded Zhang Bao. "You can't spread rumors about other people's sexual orientation." This road didn't work, so we decided to split up and pick up the dung. "He cheated in the military training exam!" We looked at each other and knew that this kind of feces was like diarrhea. "He wrote an article "Neither Wind nor Sunny" in the high school magazine," Zhang Bao said. The boy is so worried about writing new words, it is disgusting." "No, no, the only thing that can be picky about a man like laser head is that he is not careful enough. This is nothing but proof that he can be strong It can also be slender, with a laser head and a girlish heart, if he happens to like cats and shopping, protein will hold a wedding with her tomorrow!" We were disappointed, and Zhang Bao came excitedly the next day, "I dug Now, he is a "lady killer"!" "Has he ever killed someone?" "The lady killer means that he is merciless everywhere and has broken the hearts of many girls! Especially those who accidentally make girls fall in love with him but they don't. A man who knows!" "Great!" Forgive my uncontrollable joy, but it doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for those innocent ladies.I know the pain of falling in love with someone who can't possibly love you back, like the helplessness of waiting for Channel 4 to come and fix the TV.She may be the same sex, star, general manager, number one.You and she belong to different worlds, she rides a Mercedes and you squeeze 254, she wears Prada and your shoes are 280, she speaks French and you speak Hokkien, she listens to Debussy and you watch a puppet show.You stare at her from a distance, she doesn't notice you at all.You mustered up the courage to write a letter, and it was like Yang Guo to Xiaolongnv. She gave you a standard reply, and her tone was like a reserve soldier calling for orders. "That's great!" I yelled again, "If Protein knew that he was always in disarray, he would naturally keep a distance from him!" "Three months ago, he met a Jenny who worked in a foreign company at a friend's dinner," Zhang Bao said, "After dinner, they went to KTV. He ordered Ren Xianqi's "I'm a Fish". In the singing of "Familiar", Jenny said that you really look like Harlem, but he denied it and accused her of being like Yi Nengjing. When he left, he straightened her collar in the elevator, and he untied it for her after the car door closed Narrow skirt. After 10 minutes, he drove to Hyatt, and Jenny’s colleagues found that she hadn’t changed her shirt the next day. Two months later, Jenny was sitting in an obstetrics and gynecology hall without health insurance, and the mobile phone number of the laser head suddenly changed to Zhonghua Telecommunications. His secretary told any woman who called that the boss was in New York to discuss business, but someone clearly saw him striding into the "official residence" that night." "Damn stuff!" "What's even more exciting," Zhang Bao said , "His female companion in the "official residence" is an underage girl!" We immediately smelled blood, and Zhang Bao decided to go to the department store where the girl worked to find her. "Banker abducts underage girl", what a poetic newspaper headline that would be!