Chapter 19 The most meaningful life - Eleven months after the college entrance examination

The most meaningful life - Eleven months after the college entrance examination I always thought that the number of times I met A was very small - if it wasn't for the blazing reminders, I would really have to keep thinking like this.That afternoon, I sat on the bed in the dormitory and sighed long and shortly. Whenever the weather was fine, I would sigh long and short. Meng, just woke up - she murmured, tell your boyfriend to come and play together.I sighed and said, how could he be willing? He was most unwilling to go out with me.Xiong Xiong stuck his head out from the edge of the bed, frowned and said, no way? He has worked so hard, and you still say he refuses?

Only then did I begin to realize: How long has A been with me.Immediately, I began to slowly understand: from the time I met me, A has been with me for almost how long. More than I can count.It seems that the entire era of dinosaurs is not worth the time A and I have been together.I was in bed, horrified by the huge amount. So, for the rest of the afternoon, I just lay there like that, thinking about time over and over again.My eyes fixed on the ceiling, first I doubted the estimated length of time, then I doubted A, and finally I doubted myself—I don’t know if all this is a dream—all the time in the dream is The time passed quickly, once I had a dream and three lives were removed, maybe four lives... Maybe the time with A was just a very short dream.

If it was a dream, then since I am aware of it now, it means that the dream is about to wake up.Every time the dream is about to wake up, I am conscious, so I will insist on not letting the dream wake up all at once-like this, I can persist for a long time.However, if it is a dream, it will always wake up. The question is, if it's a dream, is it better for me? I breathed evenly and stared at the ceiling, unable to clearly find A's appearance and expression in front of my eyes.For maybe a few seconds, several faces came to mind, but I couldn't be sure which one was A's.I lay comfortably and let those unconvincing faces float by.

"Xiangmeicheng, I love you. Xiangmeicheng, I love you. I love you." I said to myself over and over again. Xiong Xiong got out of bed at some point, and suddenly stood under my bed and knocked on the side of the bed.I stretched out my head, and she said, "Eat." I said, "No." She said, "Forget it, why don't you eat with me?" I said, "No." She said, "I invite you Eat." I stuck my head out a little more, and asked with a smile, "Why?" She swung her arms back and forth, and said, "I have money." I laughed, and she laughed too.I said, "Okay." So I started to climb down, and I got a big spanking in the middle of it.

I followed Xiong Xiong to eat, and saw the same faces in the cafeteria. In the evening, I was sitting and washing my feet when B called.I answered her call with a smile on my face, my feet still soaked in warm water. B said: "What are you doing?" I said: "I'm washing your feet." B said: "Ah? Washing your feet again?" I said: "What do you mean washing your feet again?" B said: "Winter vacation When I came to your dormitory, weren’t you washing your feet too?” I happily replied, “Yes, yes!” That time I also invited B to wash feet with me.I remember she was wearing a purple dress that day, her face was very wet, and her bangs were curled up on her forehead like a sleeping kitten.We put our feet together in warm water, and kept adding water to a thermos at hand.That time we seemed to talk a lot of nonsense - about B and C, and Van was mentioned at the end.

I went back to this moment and asked B on the phone: "How are you and Van?" B smiled and didn't say anything.Immediately, we discussed about Zhang Xinzhe for a while, and then B suddenly said: "Hey, just tell me the truth." I moved my feet in the water and asked: "What?" She said: "You just tell me the truth." Let me tell you about your tutoring in physics during your third year of high school." I froze for a moment, Xiong Xiong walked over in front of me, and patted my head lightly.I only heard B's voice on the other end of the phone saying: "You are there, do you know a person named Lanbo?"

——Who is Rambo? "Who's Rambo?" I said. "Ah?!" B said in surprise, "Don't you know his name? It's the person who sat with you a few times." I said, "Ah? Ah..." B was probably serious there. He thought for a while, and then said: "Didn't you still go out for a ride across the road with him? Oh, you didn't even know your name, so you just went out and wandered? I didn't realize that you were such a person before." My feet continued to move quietly in the water.I almost forgot about the stranger who kissed me in the subway station—was he called Rambo? Rambo? How could someone have such a weird name?

"How do you know?" I asked hesitantly. "Van is the best classmate with him in high school." B said with a smile, "Hey, I can't see it, he's so tight-lipped." After a pause, she lowered her voice and said, "Hey, he's always thinking about you ah." I listened silently, unable to say anything.My lips were moist again, and the ashen-smelling wind of the subway station passed over my head faintly. B asked me to go to her school to play on Friday, I said, ok ok. After class on Friday, I went straight to B with my schoolbag on my back.When I got out of the car, I immediately saw B standing in front of the school - at that moment she laughed.

I held a notebook in my hand, B pointed to it, and asked: "Why didn't you put it in the bag?" Take it, turn it over, turn to the last page of the notes, and read aloud: "In the West, after the religious reformation, when all sides were evenly matched and wars were frequent, tolerance appeared--Zhang Xinzhe became popular since then, and Xie Yi has since fallen in love with Zhang Xinzhe , Be obsessed and never regret it." She laughed, and then said: "You like Zhang Xinzhe so much?" I said, "Yes." My answer made me very happy.Her question reminded me of that night long ago, when we were sitting at the intersection of black and white on the tennis court - she said, "Do you like Chen Xiaochun so much?" At that time, her cool and sad voice seemed to be floating from the clouds down.

We started to walk inside the school gate.I said; "Where are you going?" She didn't answer, but said: "Do you like Zhang Xinzhe or Chen Xiaochun? Tell me clearly." I said: "I don't know—it's different——" I suddenly It's different, but nothing came out, so I didn't go on.She said, "I can't stand you. Are you sick?" I looked forward proudly and walked forward without answering. B seemed very purposeful to take me somewhere, but she didn't say anything about that place. We discussed Zhang Xinzhe and Chen Xiaochun all the way, walked towards the back door, walked around, and finally walked to the opposite of the black tea house where I sat and talked with B and C when school just started.

Looking across a narrow road, the black tea house is covered with smoke behind the big glass. B said, Van is waiting for us there.I laughed, made a few jokes about her and Van, and was about to cross the street—and all of a sudden, I believed I was seeing something through that big, smoky pane of glass. Profile of a person. A total stranger.He sat in the seat next to the windowpane, on which his face remained like a relief.He is very good-looking - all the visible details, at a glance, you will find that it is really good-looking, almost like a movie star, good-looking so strange and far away. I looked at the unaware side face through the glass, and my lips became moist again.That face was etched into my retina like a special symbol.The whole world is wet and sticky. B started to cross the road, walked out a few steps, turned around, looked at me, backed up again, and held my hand.I moved my eyes, turned around and walked back. B catches up and says, "He's waiting for you. Today is his birthday, and the cake is ready." I quicken my pace.She said, "You really don't want to see him?" I walked to the intersection and turned a corner, and a man rushed over on a bicycle. As soon as I gave way, he cursed. B came over and grabbed me, saying, "Be careful!" I stand where I am.My gaze caught the moisture of my lips, and there was no escape. "I don't know him," I said. B and I stand at ninety degrees and hold my hand.We stood like this for a while in the humid air, and then she said softly, "I'm sorry, I didn't do it right. I didn't mean anything, but he wanted to see you so much—so I just..." "Let me go," I said. Her hands loosened, and the tendons in my calf twitched, and I took a few steps forward. B said from behind: "Catch you." I ran desperately in response, and the humid air whizzed by my ears-I ran until another turning, and then I slowed down and looked back . B is still where it is. I walked out of the school gate like fleeing for my life and walked towards the station.I think B is going to talk to the man - what will happen to him? Will he throw the cake? Will he come after me on his bike now? I stand under the stop sign and look around anxiously.A car drove by and the door opened, so I jumped on it, turned around and watched the door close, and I breathed a sigh of relief.I thought, now he can't catch up with me anymore. In fact, by this time, B had probably just walked to the black tea house and was explaining to him what had happened.However, I was still very lucky that he didn't catch up with me-I finally didn't get caught by this stranger again. I bounced back and forth easily in the car, thinking back to the last time I saw him.Rambo? Is his name Rambo? What a strange name, and I never knew it.He kissed me, hugged me, and looked at me distressedly in the subway station. My world kept seeping water from the four walls. The sky was very shallow and dark, and I returned home without stopping.I said I don't want to eat, I want to sleep, I have a headache.My mother gave me medicine and porridge in horror, and then let me be covered in a quilt.Dad turned off the record player regretfully, and his Rachmaninoffs fell silently from the ceiling in strings like rainwater. In the silence, after a long time, short strings fell, fragmented, fragmented, Branch... Li... Broken... Broken. Rambo.Rambo. Rambo and I were married - maybe married, maybe not married, just lived together for a while.Why are you with him? No why.It seems that we have been together for granted since the day we were born.And there were other people—and B, and my cousin, sister-in-law, cousin, brother-in-law...many, many people, all living in one big house. Then, I don't know how long it took, one day, B, cousin, sister-in-law, cousin, and brother-in-law all went to other places.I grabbed B's arm and asked her what she was going to do, and she smiled and said, "In our special way. In a memorable way." So they all left, leaving me and Rambo. I stood in the kitchen and said to him: "Let's have a flying feeling too." He hugged me and spun, higher and higher.My hair was flying, my soul was flying, and I felt like a dream had come true.I closed my eyes and yelled: "We really flew! We really flew!" He and I hugged and spun around for a long, long time.He said: "No one comes in, we will go on like this forever." I hugged him tightly, and suddenly we came to B's blue and windy grass, and the wind was blowing from all directions. For a moment, I found I fell in love with him.My tears fly, come out, powder shattered. After so long, until this moment, I just fell in love with him. When I opened my eyes in the middle of the night, I turned on the light and wrote down the dream on the wall with my beloved 4B pencil.After remembering it all, I woke up, lying on my own bed, quietly, smoothly, and someone hugged me and flew up. At this moment, who am I falling in love with? I trek again, to B's college - I go to A. The door opened, and I stuck my head in. Just as I said, "Excuse me, Xiang—" I saw A standing by the door, talking on the phone.I smiled at him, and he grabbed my shoulders, pulled me over, and hung up the phone.When I saw him, I suddenly forgot all the words in my mind—forgotten, nothing left, completely forgotten.I noticed with a little horror that this was no longer an occasional occurrence. I was very hot and had nothing to say, so I said, "It's hot." A said, "Yeah, it's hot today. It's not normal." He took me to the dormitory—no one else was there.The people in their dormitory are always absent - A often says that they all go on dates, which is promiscuous. A kicked his chair and said, "Sit for a while. I don't have any tea here." I said, "No. I'd better stand." The schoolbags piled into the corner of his desk—and soon became giant Big one.He looked at me and said, "Sit down." I had no choice but to sit down.He stood tens of centimeters in front of me, thought for a long time, and said, "Well, you sit for a while." I sat, looked up at him, and nodded helplessly. Recently, I found that he does things very strangely, and I don't know what he is thinking.I ran over from a long distance, and he was like this, but he said: "How about it—" How about it? Could it be that he, like me, can't remember what to say? But I also have nothing to do, and I missed classes and went out to hang out ——I was standing at the door of A, and when I wanted to knock on the door, I was really looking forward to proving something, but the moment I saw him, this idea was dismissed, and I sat down Now, I'm going to swear never to think so again. He asked me: "Why did you come here?" I said: "I miss you, come to see you." My voice was dry, and I didn't have the confidence to convince him that this was the truth.He smiled, walked around in front of me a few times, and said, "Here, let me show you." "Fart!" I said weakly. "Have you eaten yet?" he asked.I shook my head and said, "I'm going to find Shu Mei to eat." He stretched out his hand, grabbed my shoulder, and said softly, "Don't go to her, she has a world of two people. May I accompany you to have some food?" Already." I said: "Okay." Then asked: "Who does Shu Mei live with?" "Of course it's Van." A replied.I said disappointedly: "Oh." A went to stand in front of the bookshelf, but turned around and smiled at me. "What are you doing?" I said. I followed A downstairs, and A went to the shed to pick up the bicycle and said, "Swing you over there." I sat on it.He said loudly: "It's pretty heavy." I remembered that he had also said that I was heavy in the past, and that I was heavier than a bag of rice-why did he always repeat things? A took me to the cafeteria, let me sit in a seat facing away from the TV, and then bought me a large row of noodles.I said: "Ah, big row of noodles!" He laughed. He watched me eat noodles - most of the time he was actually watching TV with his head up.It's a pity that what's shown on the TV is nothing more than direct TV sales. It's full of grotesque people showing their teeth and claws, or, there are rabbits in cages.Halfway through the noodles, he asked me: "What's going on in your school recently?" I shook my head and said, "I don't know." He said, "You don't even care?" I shook my head.He said, "Why don't you care?" I froze for a brief moment, wondering why he was so persistent.If it were someone else, he probably wouldn't ask "why don't you care?"—if you don't care, you don't care. Is there a reason? In the past, I don't think he would have asked such a question.It can be seen that he has nothing to say. I said: "If you don't care, you don't care. Is there a reason?" He didn't answer, and he continued to watch direct TV sales.He shouldn't understand what I mean by what I said.But he looked like he didn't understand anything at all, with dissatisfaction and disdain on the corners of his mouth and nose, and he was sulking opposite me.I glanced at him inexplicably - was there any need to be angry? Angry that I didn't care what was going on at school? No reason. I bit off the tangled noodles around my mouth, and repeated clearly: "I don't want to care." Then I quickly stuffed the noodles hanging from the chopsticks into my mouth again, angry—angry with embarrassment. He turned his head back again, fixed his eyes on the cafeteria door behind me, and said, "Why don't you want to care?" I kept filling my mouth with noodles, and replied vaguely, "It's nothing. I just don't want to." He finally stopped asking, and stopped talking to me—nothing at all.I finished my noodles quickly.He said in surprise: "Eat so fast?" I think, because you don't talk, you eat so fast.But he said in his mouth: "Noodles are always eaten faster." We walked out of the cafeteria, A went to drive the bicycle, and motioned for me to sit down.I shook my head and said, "I won't sit anymore." He didn't insist, and let me walk by his side, pushing the bicycle, and walked forward very intently, without saying anything. The sky darkened, as if it had been dark for decades, very evenly dark.Black people walked past us one by one, some acting alone, some in two together, and some in a large group - a large black pool, like a pool of ink, which could not be collected cleanly. I thought to myself: why doesn’t he talk to me? Why don’t I have anything to say? Now that we’re together, why are we always silent? Not a few months ago, he would always say, let’s go for a while, Let's talk.now? now what? We stood at the narrow intersection, and a crimson Ferrari drove past us—like a dream at night, the engine beeping beautifully and evenly, like the most beautiful snoring.In the past, the two of us must be so excited, besides, it is rare to see such a high-end car on the university campus-but today, I am not excited, and neither is he.When the red light of the Ferrari taillights shone on my face, I whispered to myself, "Xie Yi, don't do this." A turned his head and asked, "What did you say?" I stopped and he stopped too.We looked at each other in the night where the Ferrari drove. "You take me to see the lawn." I said. A said: "It's very strange there. What are you going to do?" I said: "Go, go." A frowned and said: "You have to think carefully about things, don't do it for no reason, understand?" I said: "Go Let's go." A smiled. Under the street lamp, the lawn was still blue, with a thin layer of mist on it—it seemed that the lawn reflected the mist blue.I said: "Let me go in and sit down." A said: "Sit what?" I have already stepped in.In an instant, a gust of wind passed quickly over my toes. It's really windy on the lawn.The wind blew me and A's hair up together. I sat down, and A sat next to me and said, "What are you doing in this strange place?" I kept quiet and let the wind pass through my body freely. A turned his head and looked at me for a while, then stretched out his arm and put it on my shoulder.His fingers slid across my cheek like a breeze in the opposite direction. "Xiangmei (mei) city, I love you." I said. His fingers rest on my cheek for a little longer.I heard him say softly, "Don't force yourself." "I love you." I repeated. He didn't react right away.The wind passes through the center of our soul, the edges are rough, and it hurts when it rubs against my skin.I looked up—the sky was dark blue, and even the stars in the sky were blown away on this lawn.The lawn is like a reflection of the sky. A said to me in the past that the wind in the sky is very strong, so when the rain falls, it is often difficult to keep the shape of each drop. We sat in silence for a long time, and suddenly, A whispered in my ear: "Xie Yi, in fact, if you don't love me, you don't have to force it." He put his hand on my head. I didn't answer, I didn't turn my head to look at him, I didn't move away from his breathing and the warmth of my palms.The wind was like heavy rain, and the whole piece fell on me, making me wet.I sat blankly, motionless, tears streaming down my face, and was blown away by the wind all of a sudden, without a trace. I said, "It's not that I don't love you, I love you. It's not that I don't love you, it's not that I don't love you, no. It's not that I don't love you..." I kept saying it over and over again. A took me in his arms and hugged me tightly—however, I didn't feel anything. In my ear, a friendly voice suddenly came out and said: "Is there no way? I can't say it." It was the voice that had been there before, that voice that did not belong to a human being at all, but was closer than a human being.I almost jumped up in fright, A hugged me even tighter.I said over and over again: "It's not that I don't love you, it's not that I don't love you, it's not..." The voice was warm and close to my ears, and I said leisurely: "Is there no way? I can't say it. Is there no way? ? I can't say it, I can't say it..." For a while it was the wind, and for a while it turned into that voice again. A and I quarreled—for some reason, violently and savagely.We quarreled for a long time, so long that we couldn't figure it out.Later, still playing.I couldn't beat him, so I prevented him from hitting me; like a mad dog, jumping, barking and scratching, I didn't let him have a chance to hit me.It's been like this for an indescribable amount of time, I'm terrified, I'm terribly angry, but I can't stop.I was shaking and going crazy.I rushed over, grabbed his sleeve, and kept pulling it out, longer and longer, longer and longer.He smiled mockingly, insultingly, contemptuously, and disdainfully, fixedly looked at me, and said, "Pull it again, pull it again." As soon as I let go, the elongated sleeve retracted.I kept thumping with both hands, and shed tears as I thumped—not in a string, but drop by drop, and I couldn't connect them, just like that, drop by drop, the saddest and most painful way to fall.Suddenly I stopped calling and sat far away from him, with C sitting next to him.I heard A saying: "Tears have no place to drop, so they have to drop into the sea." My soul was desperately thinking: If you love someone, you won't say such things—then he doesn't love me anymore.I was beginning to hope it was just a dream, but it didn't look like it was—how could it be a dream? Funny.I turned my face and wanted to say it, but I couldn't say it at all, so I had to ask C: "Is it?" Maybe I asked, or maybe I didn't—— I just woke up from a dream. The daytime light outside the window shines in through the curtains, faintly, one by one.I knew I just woke up—the scene just now was like the night when B and C broke up.Then did C also say to B, "You pull again"? The sadness from the bottom of my heart rose up, passed through my face, and went straight to the top of my head—it seemed that the temperature of A's palm stored in my heart was slowly evaporating and drifting away.The tears that dripped into the sea in the dream just now flowed down again unstoppably—this time, strings of tears slid down tightly against the cheeks and seeped into the flannel surface of the quilt. I lay comfortably, hiding under the covers during the day, weeping like a little thing.What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I love A anymore? Why don’t you give me a chance to love A? Why, it seems that A can’t love anymore? A faint sunlight flows through me endlessly .