Chapter 31 Chapter 9: Mother on Mind (2)

Chapter 9: Mother on Mind (2) Last week, Qin Yu fled to his grandma's house in the suburbs and failed the exam.Qin Lei and I went out for a meeting that day, and we didn't come home until evening.As soon as he entered the house, the phone rang—his class teacher came to complain, saying that he didn't go to the exam at all today.I listened and was taken aback.After hanging up the phone, I looked at Qin Lei——he was sitting on the sofa, his whole body was tilted, his tie was loosened, and he was rubbing his feet there.I said, Qin Lei, your son is really amazing.He looked up at me, his expression changed a bit, and he kept rubbing his feet with his hands.I went on to say that he didn't go to school for the exam.As soon as he heard it, the whole person stopped still, stared straight at me for a while, then lowered his head and rubbed his feet again, muttering: Whatever he wants, he has already received his ID card.I stood by the phone for a while—I was waiting for him to say something, but he didn't.I really admire him: when his son disappeared, he could still sit here and keep rubbing his feet.The room was unusually quiet, and the clock on the wall made a "tick, tick, tick..." sound.I stood with my back against the wall, terrified of the silence.As if to break the silence, I took a step or two forward—he was still rubbing his feet.

As soon as I turned around, I hid in the bedroom, sat on the edge of the bed, and listened to the movement outside from time to time—no sound, as if there was no one in the whole house.The bedroom is connected to the balcony, and I suddenly remembered that the clothes that had been hung out in the morning had not been collected, so I hurried to the balcony to collect them.It was also silent on the balcony, with the sound of children chasing and playing in the distance.I pulled the bamboo pole over and pulled all the clothes up my arms.Suddenly I thought, when we Qin Yu were young, we didn't seem to be chasing and fighting with other children - could our Qin Yu be a little unhealthy psychologically?

After collecting the clothes, I walked into the room, put the clothes on the bed, and turned my head to look outside—the sky was getting dark, and in the building opposite, there was a dim yellow light through the glass windows stained by oil smoke. It's like a wound in a building—it's already late, and Qin Yu has disappeared.I turned my head and walked out of the bedroom, and saw Qin Lei still leaning on the sofa, resting his eyes with his eyes closed.I looked at him - he looked tired. "Qin Lei," I said, "You really don't want to think of a way?" He slowly opened his eyes and looked at me level.After a while, he replied, "What can I do?"

It wasn't until that night that I believed that people who have lived together for so many years would have difficulty understanding each other. When Qin Lei half-closed his eyes and said the phrase "what can I do", I almost wanted to I thought this man was not the man I knew and loved at all - he looked so depressed, so old, he didn't care about his son, he didn't care about his family, he didn't have the courage to protect anything - he didn't seem to be burdened with anything ability.I stared at him for a long time, not knowing what to say - or not to say.I tried to suppress my distaste for this behavior; I don't think one should dislike him for such an almost unconscious gesture, but he looked like an old man, and it was very repulsive.

I've seen enough of this old and young man fighting openly and secretly all day long.I don't know why the relationship between father and son has become this kind of man's rivalry; while I watched in disgust; I don't understand why Qin Yu deliberately provokes people's anger, and I don't understand why Qin Lei just can't be a little more lenient to his son—— —The two of them, as long as they make a little compromise with each other, the matter can be resolved smoothly, but neither of them is willing to give in first, which is really puzzling.Perhaps in protest, I dug out the phone book, picked up the phone, and started calling Qin Yu's friends one by one.I deliberately used a loud voice: "Hello, is Qin Yu at your house?" "Hello, did Qin Yu come to your house today?" "Hey, do you know that Qin Yu is home?" "..." The room is filled with my voice.I don't know why I'm making these meaningless phone calls, I just know that I should find something to do instead of standing in this lonely room, guarding the old man in front of me.

When Qin Yu came home, the night was dark, I glanced at the clock on the wall - it was almost eleven o'clock. I was the only one at home——Qin Lei walked out of the house for the third time about half an hour ago, and when he left, he said as usual: I'll see if he's back.I don't know if he really went to see his son, or if he was trying to escape the dead silence at home—sitting in the room and enduring the long night was equally unbearable to me.The house was empty, the doors and windows stood wide open; the gray night of weariness and bewilderment creeping slowly through my house was simply disgusting to me.I moved a small bench and sat at the end of the doorway facing the gate. I stared stupidly at the corner of the corridor. After looking at it for a long time, I felt that the corner had a certain depth, and people who walked by might sink into it—— I said to myself, remind Qin Lei to be careful when he comes back later.In order not to be too bored and fall into cranky thoughts, I took a shirt of Qin Yu - he kept complaining that the buttons on the shirt were loose and in danger of falling off, so I thought of helping him to sew it.The light in the doorway was on above my head—the energy-saving bulbs I just replaced a few weeks ago, and it was ridiculously bright—I looked at the shirt in my hand, looked at it, and felt that every button was dangerous, so I went one by one. I dismantled everything and sewed it again; after checking it, I was still uneasy—the more I looked, the more I felt uneasy, I knew it was abnormal, so I hurried to put the clothes away, and then sat on the bench——I sat for a while, always Missing those buttons, I couldn't bear it anymore, so I went into the room and took out the clothes, and removed the heavy seams.As I sewed, I listened attentively to the movement outside: Although there was no one there, there were always some small rustling noises in the corridor, and I didn’t know what they were coming from. I was very scared, because I realized that I was the only one in this room of more than ten square meters, and the night was already very deep. .I shivered, stood up, and went into the room to turn on the TV.A TV series is playing, and the woman on the screen leans her entire upper body out of the window of the building. The wind at the top of the skyscraper blows her hair like a flock of frantic black butterflies—she lowers her head to look at the ground first, and the camera Then it moved to the dense crowd on the ground, then climbed slowly, and finally turned to the woman. I saw her slowly raising her neck to the sky in a graceful posture, with her arms outstretched, looking like a bird that has no power to take off. Big Bird, so the camera zoomed up, all the way to the vast blue sky--that blue is very bright, appearing in the dark night sky, so abrupt that it is unreal.I stared fascinatedly at the gleaming TV screen, and suddenly heard a voice as loud and clear as the sky in the TV series calling outside the door:

"Mother!" I habitually agreed, and ran out to have a look——Qin Yuhao was standing at the door. "Do you still know to come back?" - the first sentence I blurted out. He looked at me, then turned his head to look at the corridor behind him, remained silent for a while, as if he didn't dare to enter the door, and said, "Mom—" I took a step back and motioned for him to come in.Seeing him supporting the wall with one hand, untying shoelaces and changing slippers with the other, I secretly thought with relief: Okay, it’s all right. Walking into the room, I glanced at the TV again: the TV show was over and subtitles were on.Qin Yu walked over from the door of my bedroom, then backed away, stood there looking in, looked in, and suddenly called: "Mom..." I turned my head to look at him, and found that he was very tall, standing at the door of the room. Blocked the light in the living room.With the back light, I couldn't see his face clearly, but his voice sounded very embarrassed, as if he had something to say but couldn't say it.I thought about it and said, "You go to rest first, there is an exam tomorrow. We will talk about your affairs later." He said "Oh" and walked away.

I stared at the gleaming TV, feeling a little lost.I began to listen to the noises in the bathroom, but I couldn't hear anything; after an unknown amount of time, I suddenly ran out of the room to see if he was asleep.I saw him standing in front of the sofa in the living room, leaning forward and staring at a floor lamp in the corner, motionless, his posture was very awkward.I happened to see his silhouette: the entire half of his face was clearly illuminated by the incandescent light, and his eyes flickered from time to time, like a moth that loves light; I watched my son for a long time-bit by bit, I recognized him. I saw his three-year-old look: the look I knew well.The childishness that hadn't had time to shed covered the turmoil of adolescence, and she seemed a little uneasy and helpless, but it was bright, hot, fresh and dazzling, and it was born in the gloomy night.I looked at my own son for a long, long time—and I couldn't help being a little moved.

"Qin Yu." When he heard my cry, he seemed to be taken aback, turned his head and stared at me blankly, and blurted out, "Dan..." I saw that half of his face was illuminated by the light, while the other half was submerged in the shadow of the room, and the contrast was sharp, showing one half bright and the other half dark. "Qin Yu, what's the matter?" I haven't seen his soft eyes for a long time.I haven't heard that soft breath of mine for a long time.I was touched by my son, and I was also touched by myself.Looking at my son's pure and childish eyes, I suddenly wanted to hug him, as if holding him tightly in my arms, like I did countless times when he was a child—but, I also realized:

He was taller than I was—much taller. In front of him, do I still have the strength to help him, support him, and comfort him? I saw him turn around slowly, and finally stopped facing me.Behind him, the floor lamp was shining softly, but his face was immersed in the shadow for a long time, soaked by the darkness. After a long silence, he opened his mouth: "Mom..." It sounds like there is a strange intimacy.I can't remember how long it has been since I heard such a friendly greeting.In this moment, he made me realize with pride: I am his mother, and he is my beloved son. I stood at the door of the room and stared at Qin Yu, who had a dark face—he seemed very tired and confused, but the irritability and irritability that he showed all over his body a few days ago suddenly disappeared, and he was replaced by a child as pure sadness.Oh, he was still a kid after all, a kid who made mistakes.I have done too little for him in the past, now, what can I do?

It was dark.In the room behind me, the TV blared international news.It's all over—all the ups and downs of the world have passed me quietly; and this man standing before me is my son—can I solve his problems for him?Not by the husband, not by the teachers, not by the whole noisy society, as her mother, just as his mother—can I solve his problems for him? I looked at my son and moved my steps towards him.The moment I moved, he seemed to be startled suddenly.I saw his whole body vibrate for a short moment, and then his posture became tense, showing a tendency to run away.I hastened to walk over to him, put my hands on his shoulders, and said, "Qin Yu, you are not even afraid of your mother, are you?" He looked down at me.I raised my head, and the arm on his shoulder slanted like a ladder between him and me.He is so tall and I am so short.Since his height exceeded 1.70 meters a few years ago, I haven't confronted him so closely—I'm not used to the gap of more than 20 centimeters between me and him, and I feel almost overwhelmed by him.I looked up at him with some difficulty: Is this really my son?The son I remember, seems to be the little follower who had to stretch his arms to hang my clothes, running around in front of me and behind me - at that time, the hem of every piece of my clothes was scratched and crumpled by him I can't obey; but now, I look up at him, I can't believe that he has grown taller, but I have the illusion that I am getting old, shrinking, and finally become a dry old woman-I can't help but want to ask: Is this true? What, Qin Yu?Are you really over 1.85 meters?I looked at him—his eyebrows and eyes were still somewhat childish.I am very familiar with this face: since he was a child, his eyebrows have been sparse, the big part is extremely open, and the small part hides some cute features—for example, his chin is very deep, and the middle of his upper lip is slightly raised, so that As for the peculiar posture of the mouth when speaking, it seems that the lips themselves have thoughts and emotions, and they are tightly closed when they are not speaking, revealing the delicate and sensitive silence; The few faint fine lines around the corners of his eyes did not make him look mature, but added to the childishness of the whole face, just like the traces he deliberately pulled out by pulling his fingers on the corners of his eyes, clever and mischievous, not paying attention It's absolutely invisible... Maybe only a mother will notice these small details?Could this be considered a little understanding of his son?I have no idea.All I know is that for the first time in a long time, when I look at my grown-up son carefully, I can discover these details that I have been familiar with since he was a child. This gives me a little bit of comfort and confidence—Qin Yu, you are always My son, don't run away, you won't be able to run away. He was also looking at me.Looking at it, he said suddenly: "Mom, why don't you seem to be old?" I laughed, pushed him onto the sofa, and sat down on the side, and replied, "I still want to say, Qin Yu, how did you grow up so big?" Hearing this, he touched his head in embarrassment, and pressed a few strands of hair to his forehead.I looked at him and thought: How familiar is his appearance, how he looks like when he went out for a morning run with Qin Lei when he was a child, and when he came back, his hair was wet on his forehead! "Me," he replied a little shyly, "I will grow up as I grow up." "When you grow up, your mother will be old. That's for sure. The most you can say is that your mother looks a little younger than other people's mothers." He grabbed my hand and took off the ring on my ring finger, halfway through and back again, and then again, over and over again.After fumbling with it, he lowered his head and said: "Why are you younger than everyone else?" "Because... There are many reasons here. The main one is because I have a good family, which gave me a good mentality—" "It's that simple?" "Then—what else do you think should be added?" He looked up at me, half of his face was in the light, half of his face was in the shadows, his eyes were covered with a layer of mist - his whole person suddenly became serious.After a while, he turned his face away and faced the lamp behind his head, leaving me with a back with a black head - the incandescent lamp drew a gold border around his head, and the slender down on the edge of his neck can be seen clearly, very soft and soft. cute. "I don't know—" he said, dipping his face into the incandescent light, "but it must be more than that? If you're not happy with what's around you—should it be more than that? I can’t always live like this now, can I? How can I not understand anything when I live alone?” ——He turned his face abruptly and stared at me——“Mom, don’t you bother me? Hanging around with the same people . . . always with a boring guy like Pa, don't you bother him?" Surprised, I unconsciously clenched his hand.I was at a loss for words. "No," I retorted hastily, "no... no. Your dad and I don't get bored. Dad... dad is boring sometimes--but mom is boring sometimes... both of us Individuals are very ordinary. Looking at it separately, none of us are very good, but we are together and form a family, which is much better... Qin Yu, listen to me - a person is often already very complicated. Don't rush around and come back with blood on your head, that will be very painful...Maybe, maybe you still can't understand it now, after all, you are still a child, but in the future you will always understand the importance of caring for and supporting each other. Do you know why you are unhappy during this time? Do you know why you can’t think through a lot of things? Because you are too weak and helpless by yourself, you need other people to help you...maybe you need other people to support you You cut off your childhood, you have been in this child state for too long - have you ever thought about your parents? Although your parents also have shortcomings and mistakes - maybe we have only brought you a sense of frustration and loss - but, Mom and Dad are always the ones who can help you... What are you tired of, you?" I bent down to look at his downcast eyes—his eyes were still, his whole being was still.I only heard him say slowly: "Annoyance is annoyance. Everything is annoying. Today at grandma's house, I really hope the sun will melt me. Mom, you don't know, the people and things around you are all upside down... Also, don't you I know, a person will die suddenly, it's like a fantasy... I thought she was quite normal, but she was already dead. When you go out in the morning, there is no guarantee that you will meet someone you know or something else. Lying on the road—how can others go out? The whole world is upside down, and there are dead people, dead cats..." "Qin Yu, are you bothering others, or yourself?" I interrupted him and asked.I saw that he was becoming more and more irritable, and I thought it would be better to stop him from talking in time. Without any reaction, he lowered his head and continued: "It's not like that. No. It's not at all. How can a person just let it go so casually? If you say die, you will die. Now I don't even doubt whether she exists. But—maybe she died a long time ago? Maybe I was dreaming? Maybe I was the one who was going to die? Mom, I’ve never encountered such a bizarre thing...it’s all fake... I just can't think of it...it's all fake...fake..." In the extreme pain and confusion, his head lowered lower and lower, and he was about to curl up on the sofa.I looked at him in bewilderment - my son.What is he doing this for?For whom?What the hell did he run into?What?How could he have become so tired and helpless?I looked at him—my son, who was still young and in great need of guidance and assistance.I am his mother, but what have I done in the past? I stretched out my arms and wrapped him completely in my arms, burying his head deep in my shelter.Like when he was a baby, I gently rocked and jolted him, trying to calm his panic and confusion.My son, what has he been through?What made him twitch like this?What made such a tall lad look like a frightened mouse here?what is itI stroked his hair and comforted him softly: "Okay, okay. Tell mom if you have anything to say, okay? Let's find a way together...Okay, okay..." I could feel his breathing—— There was suddenly no distance between me and him.I hugged him tightly, thinking: He, my son, is finally back!I am also a proud mother like my colleague Kobayashi.I don't want to let go of my hand anymore. My son was in my arms and suddenly stopped.He raised his head and stared at the air in front of him, his eyelashes flickering -- he seemed to feel that something had just passed over his head, and his eyes were full of brilliance. I looked at him in surprise.After a long time, he lowered his eyes and said softly, "Mom, let me go. Let me go to sleep." I am stunned.Just when I was hesitating whether to let go of my arms, he begged again: "Mom, I'm going to bed." stunned.I am stunned.