Chapter 13 Chapter 5 Wang Haiyan (2)

Chapter 5 Wang Haiyan (2) "Sister, you don't understand, you don't understand how young, beautiful, and energetic you look! My deskmate used to be like this, she was alive as happily as you not long ago, she was also young, She's about to take college entrance exams, and recently she's suddenly looked radiant—but she's dead now. She didn't know she was going to die a minute before she died! You don't know her, you can't understand how I feel, one day In my eyes, she was as full of vitality as you, but in an instant she died, she disappeared, and she has no meaning in this world—you are still alive, and you live so happily and energetically. You Did it ever occur to her that she was rotting away? She'd never be able to say a word again, she was dead. But we're all still alive.

"I am terrified. I am afraid that one day I will die, I will no longer exist, and you are still living happily like this. I don't know if it will be me who will die in the next minute. I dare not close my eyes anymore—— I’m afraid that if I close my eyes, I’ll never see the sun again, and I’ll fade out like my deskmate, but you all don’t know! Now my other classmates still think that my deskmate is alive and well, they Didn't know she was dead, they were still laughing! It's so damned, I don't even want to think about it. Whether people who knew her or didn't know her, her death didn't affect their lives in the slightest— And they will die one day too, everyone will die, everyone's death will mean nothing, others will live happily until their own death... How terrible, how terrible!"

In the dark, my sister stretched out her arms and hugged me, pressing her forehead to mine.For a long while, she didn't speak.Cold tears were still running down my face, and I didn't have the courage to speak anymore. "I'm sorry, Xiaoyan," my sister said, her voice was very soft and trembling, like raindrops dripping down the steps, "I'm sorry. I haven't experienced death. I don't know how to die. I'm sorry, I'm sorry... But, since we don't know when we're going to die, maybe we should live happily." "What about the dead? What about the dead?"

"I don't know. Like I said, I haven't experienced death. I really don't know, and I can't do anything about it. I just know that we're still alive, and we can't do anything for the dead, but we can do something for ourselves." "No...it's not that simple, no..." I also reached out to hug my sister.The night was so dark that it was doubtful whether day would ever come. "Sister, you are always so full of vigor and vitality, but I can't." My sister smiled slightly, and her short, soft laugh sounded so peaceful.She didn't answer anything.I listened to her breathing in the dark, and seeing that I couldn't wait for an answer, I made up my mind to continue talking.

"Actually, I have always been jealous of you. Since I was a child, you are smart, beautiful, lively, and cheerful. Everyone seems to like you more. I don't know what magic power you have, but you attract everyone's attention. There is not much left. I desperately want to do well and study like crazy, but I am still not as good as you. Sometimes I work hard to accomplish something, thinking that you have never done it, and now I am better than you ——But no, the adults’ praises will always be given to you, and they are just perfunctory to me. This situation is really funny: I am the number one in school for granted, and I am the strongest in everything, but when I get home, I Ranked second, always the second, you are always stronger than me. I feel that my entire childhood was spent under your oppression, and I was always making invisible comparisons with you. The most annoying thing is that you You don't bother to compare with me, you never say anything like comparison, you do everything easily and casually - but you are so good."

This seems to be the first time I have said so many words to my sister in one breath.During the whole process, she kept hugging me silently, and I couldn't help asking: "Sister?" "Ok?" "You're not asleep, are you?" "No. I'm listening. You go on." I thought about it and connected the interrupted train of thought.The June night was warm, intoxicatingly warm. "For a while, I secretly imitated you behind your back—your movements, your tone of voice, your posture—everything about you. I imitated the tone of your speech, the way you walked, the sound of laughing, the expression of reading, I even learned how you stretch. Everything about you looks so comfortable, you look so radiant, I really want to be like you. But I just can't learn the casual style of your bones. I learned your appearance Things, I am still very accustomed to using them, but without your kind of randomness in your bones, I am actually weak and clumsy.

"Later, when I got older and read more books, I formed my own point of view. I can't understand your view that you become utilitarian after work. You are not eager for quick success, but you have become utilitarian and practical, and you are more casual. It seems to you that nothing is noble, and nothing is permanent—the most annoying thing is that your utilitarianism does not make you vulgar, on the contrary, I have never seen utilitarianism applied to a person, it will be like You look casual and charming like this. In fact, I'm still jealous of you, I just don't understand why the best and most outstanding self on the outside is eclipsed in front of you. I really don't understand. "

I really don't understand. I said this in the dark, and for a moment I almost forgot about the death of my deskmate.I was confused: which was more sad--the death of my deskmate, or the vitality of my sister?As soon as this thought came to me, I shivered.Once again, I could clearly smell the intoxicating fragrance of my sister's body-this fragrance, even in the dark, is as fresh and pleasant as it is in the midday sun. My sister didn't speak, nor did she take away the hand that was holding me. Breathing lightly, I waited patiently for her answer.However, inexplicable drowsiness has hit me in waves, and my eyelids suddenly become very heavy.I don't want to sleep, I'm afraid I'll miss the opportunity to listen to the answer, I'm struggling to get rid of drowsiness - I don't know why, even the fragrance of my sister's body seems to be hypnotizing me, I am very tired, very tired, my drowsy brain keeps reminding me : How good it is to sleep!How nice!I can't stand it anymore, saying those words is more tiring than doing physical work.So I thought, close your eyes first—just close your eyes, and you must never fall asleep.In fact, this is self-deception, I will fall asleep soon after I close my eyes, and soon...

soon…… I was on the verge of falling asleep, and I was about to fall asleep—at that moment, a flash of lightning flashed in my brain, and everything became very clear: Before the tablemate died, he must have wanted to close his eyes first! Then, before I could struggle to wake up, or even think about it, I fell into a deep sleep. Now it's outside again. I stood at the entrance of the canteen attached to the crematorium.There is a trash can, but you can't throw anything away at all-the bottom of the bucket is leaking, and sewage is quietly dripping.The sun was very strong. Standing in the bright sunlight outside and looking into the canteen, I saw only a mass of darkness. Inside the darkness, there was a woman sitting behind the counter, wearing gold earrings and a gold necklace, and had her hair permed—but the time of perm It's long, and it doesn't look fresh. You can imagine that she got her head under the quilt to sleep at night.Next to the woman's hand is a very old-fashioned semiconductor, singing "Woo Li Wa La" in some school.I looked at the woman, and the woman looked at me, neither of them could tell whether it was kindness or hostility.

The sun was behind me, warming my back.I looked at the woman with the eyebrows, turned around and looked at the flowers in the flower bed - I was surprised to find that there were small flowers with pink and yellow stamens blooming in the grass, exactly the same as the ones at Grandma Qin Yu's house.The sun was itching my back. This is the world again—the happy, colorful, noisy, crowded world.It is really worth nostalgic: happy, colorful, noisy and crowded, and wave after wave of people, looking at each other indifferently, crying and laughing at times, talking unclear words-the world worth nostalgia for, really.

real! I can't describe what it was like to find my tablemate lying behind a pile of wreaths.It was the first time I saw her since she died—and the last time I saw her in this life.I looked at her, she was a little numb.I know she is dead, she is a dead person, and I have no feelings for the dead person. The eulogy was delivered by me on behalf of the whole class.I can't remember exactly what I said.At that time, I was standing on the right side of the body, and I could see the feet of my deskmate from one side of my face.They put shoes on her, but I dared not look.For some reason, I always felt that if I turned my head to one side, I would see the soles of her bare feet—snow-white, cold soles.For the first time in my life, I stood so close to a dead person, but I was neither sad nor sentimental, but desperately resisted the emotion of fear—the kind of fear, small and cold, constantly piercing my temples, dense It was so dense, it almost opened up my brain and hollowed out my voice.I remember that the first sentence of the eulogy was "Hold the forget-me-not you love, and we will see you off."—I read this sentence, and I was suddenly frightened by my own voice, so I didn't dare to read any more.So I stood where I was, and looked up at the hall in front of me: there were rows of people standing in an orderly manner.I didn't wear glasses, so I couldn't see their expressions clearly. Only the purple forget-me-not flowers jumped into my eyes one after another, which was very clear.I opened my mouth, but couldn't make a sound; the purple flowers were dancing, my vision gradually blurred, and there were bursts of sobbing from the audience.I don't know why, but I'm crying. My deskmate likes forget-me-nots the most.We know her preference, but only recently.One day, when she walked into the classroom at noon, she was holding a few of these small purple flowers in her hands, which looked very eye-catching.We asked her who to give the flowers to.She pursed her lips and smiled, and replied, no one will give it to anyone.That day she was wearing an ordinary white dress, swaying like a fairy, holding the little flower on her chest, like the breeze in early summer and June, and like opening a small purple window in the classroom—I looked at her , the first time I found out that she was so beautiful, I couldn't help but praise: "You really deserve this little flower." She smiled again, and said softly and happily: "This is my favorite flower. "Stayed for a while, and then said: "I saw a person selling on the side of the road, so I picked these few branches." When class was about to start, she suddenly said, "I'm so happy!" Seeing the forget-me-nots she put in a small glass bottle on the window sill, she also became happy. But the purple forget-me-not belongs to her who is alive.Now that she was dead, lying there, a cold, emotionless corpse, she would never look for a bottle to put her favorite flowers in, nothing meant anything to her.She is dead. When I walked up to her and put my forget-me-not there, I couldn't stop thinking about her cold feet, and felt that I was sweating a lot, and the shoes were cold.I never knew before that the feeling of cold feet is so uncomfortable. Someone was crying around me all the time—and I was crying too.But my heart is not very sad.I was filled with indifference to the dead man lying before me.I am afraid to meet her, afraid to see her, I am afraid to stay in this hall again.It was full of sad people here and there--her relatives, her friends, her parents who cried so much that they couldn't cry anymore, and her cold, stiff body, and there was an air of death here. ——I must escape, into the bustling and crowded world outside! I stood at the entrance of the canteen of the crematorium, looking in at the woman wearing gold earrings and a gold necklace, and the warm sunlight shone on my back.Oh, I suddenly have a strong desire to run to the city center to take one of the most crowded bus lines, or to Nanjing Road to parade with those out-of-towners who are crazy about shopping-I just want to find a crowded place, completely and vigorously blend into this noisy world.Maybe I can go to the vegetable market, walk the wet road, and let my nose be filled with all kinds of smells: onion, ginger, fishy smell, the stench of chicken manure, the smell of rotten vegetables, human body odor... I want to truly see this world, truly smell this world, truly hear this world, I want to touch this world, I want to integrate into this world, and I want to live well. The sun shines on my back.I imagined my deskmate—she might have been reduced to ashes.I looked up at the thick chimney of the crematorium that stretched straight into the nothingness of the sky—very faint smoke came out of it, a pure blue color.When we come to see her in the future, we will go to the columbarium, maybe use a ladder, and find her name among the rows of strange dead people. She will stay in that small space, among the small carved beams and painted buildings. There is a photo of her right there—maybe at that time, the same sunlight fell on that dry, tall, lifeless room... It wasn't until today that I realized that there is still such a corner of death hidden in this city that excites me, and the people I am familiar with can never go back here. I watched from a distance people I knew and I didn't know—some were crying, some were giving out something, some were walking around like crazy, and everyone was busy.Are they relying on this busyness to dispel the breath of death?I also want to do something that a living person can do to remind myself that life still exists. Goodbye to my deskmate, I want to go back to my fresh, lovely and enviable world. I went to school to find Teacher Zhang.Today is the first day of the final exam of the second year of senior high school due to the advanced examination.Senior high school students are free to review at home during the holidays. Normally, I don’t need to use it, but Teacher Zhang asked me to help him with things—sorting papers, transcribing scores. I have been doing these things for teachers since I was a child. In the office I know the way here. Teacher Zhang told me what to do, and went to invigilate the exam with the file bag containing the test papers.He was in charge of invigilating Qin Yu's class. When I walked past Qin Yu's classroom just now, I looked inside—he didn't come.Look now, there are only five minutes until the exam starts, so he should be here, right?So I followed Teacher Zhang and went downstairs as well.I haven't looked for him for many days, and I haven't seen him—because I'm at the same table, I almost forgot about him.However, I must meet him right now, so that he will not be stage frightened, and stop doing irrational things like cheating. Looking in from the window, the seats are almost full.Most people sat peacefully, some closed their eyes and rested their minds, some were checking stationery, and some wanted to hug Buddha's feet temporarily and endorsed desperately.During the exam, they were seated one by one, and it seemed clear at a glance—but Qin Yu was not there.On the seat by the window, a male student with a silly parted hair was sitting, shaking his head and reciting loudly: "...so students don't have to—be inferior to teachers, teachers—don't have to—be better than disciples...so, so ——Yu, compare what..." I interrupted him and asked: "Student, is Qin Yu in another examination room?" As soon as he heard the word "Qin Yu", he raised his eyes excitedly to look at me, then jumped up nimbly, and said loudly, "Wang Haiyan! Qin Yu? Qin Yu is in this examination room. He hasn't come yet. However, you are looking for him, is there something wrong? Let me pass it on to you, please?" "Not here? Aren't you going to take an exam?" "Yes, yes," he said loudly again, and then lowered his voice as if he had something to say, "However, he is really a bit strange. He won't come, and it may not be. It doesn't matter, I have something to do Come and pass it on to you." "Not coming? Has something happened to him?" "What can he do? Isn't it just that he doesn't want to take the exam? I can't think about it either, but it's a pity that I'm not as bold as him. By the way, my name is Fan Bin, and I've known you for a long time. I..." I turned around and left. Will Qin Yu really not come to the exam? The bell rang to start the exam. The campus turned from noisy to silent in an instant, no one, no sound, no commotion, only the deafening ringing of the bell.The exam begins. Qin Yu didn't come. The bell had rung for twenty minutes. I stood at the school gate and stretched my neck in the direction where Qin Yu should come.A few minutes ago, a foreigner who collected second-hand goods came to the corner and rang the bell, and then no one showed up. Qin Yu didn't come. The bell has rung for forty minutes. I just went to the concierge and called Qin Yu's house for the eighth time.I squeezed the receiver of the phone tightly and kept imagining the ringing echoing silently in the room, stubbornly, longingly, like a painful and naked shriek, one after another—no one answered, no.No one answered. Qin Yu didn't come. The bell has rung for sixty minutes. He should be sitting in the examination room writing an essay now, but in fact, he has disappeared, and the whole person seems to have disappeared completely. I suddenly thought of my deskmate with horror. Could it be that there is another more important person who will also fade out silently like this? Qin Yu, Qin Yu, hurry up! The bell had rung for eighty minutes. In ten minutes, the exam will be over. I jumped on the bicycle - I went to find him, and I must find him, and I must see Qin Yu who was exactly the same as before, with a polite resentment expression. Qin Yu, don't go! The door of his house was closed tightly, and it was so peaceful that no one could believe that there was anything terrible behind it.I stretched out my hand, and I could still feel my heart beating almost disobediently in my chest.Oh, what's behind this pale green door?or nothing? I don't want him to shut me out so tightly, and then fade away without a sound--I wish I had a key! But I don't want him to give me a key to the door, and he's not there himself—then I'd rather not have the key. I pressed my hand against the door and pushed in so hard that my whole body convulsed.The door didn't move, but my hand slipped down, rubbing against the door and making a long series of shrill crackling sounds. Am I doomed to be alone, whether the door is open for me or not? I stood outside the door for a long time.Outside of me, there are empty corridors, empty buildings, and an empty world; inside me, there is a constant struggle, surging, fear that can hardly be suppressed; in front of me, there is a tightly closed door. The door, the cat's eyes open its hideous pupils - I can't see anything, I can't see anything. Qin Yu, are you behind this door?If you are not there, where are you? Where...where!There was an instant flash in my heart...Withdrawing my hand, I turned around and walked away, staggering in the corridor, pressing my hand to the plastered wall and rubbing the white powder all over my palm.Now I have a guess at last--and it's much better to have a guess, after living so long, I'm always running back and forth to prove the guesses that follow. Qin Yu, I hope you can confirm my guess for me.wait!