Chapter 12 Chapter 5 Wang Haiyan (1)

Chapter 5 Wang Haiyan (1) My deskmate died. It was gas poisoning - in the shower. I can't believe it, that's my deskmate.Only yesterday, she told me with a smile when she would go to bed every day; she held a white handkerchief decorated with pink and blue floral flowers, gently wiped the tip of her nose, and complained that the weather was getting hotter and hotter. , I hope it will rain during the two days of the college entrance examination, but it will be great. She shouldn't have said something like "Damn it".Now it seems that from the day she was born, she shouldn't say a word related to death, it's all a bad omen.Now, she is really dead.This kind of thing, if this kind of thing doesn't happen to people who spend their days together, how can people believe it?

Today, she didn't come to class; if it wasn't for the teacher in charge to call me just now, I still don't know that she is gone.When the phone rang, I thought it was Qin Yu—I waited for him to call every day, and every time the phone rang, I felt nervous—I cleared my throat before picking up the phone, and then I politely spoke to the phone Say "hello".On the other end of the phone, the voice of teacher Lin, the class teacher, said: "Wang Haiyan." I recognized who it was, and relaxed my heart, and said, "Ms. Lin. Is there something wrong?" "Wang Haiyan——" "Ms. Lin?" I listened to her He hesitated to speak, completely different from his usual vigorous and vigorous style, as if he felt something in his heart, he suddenly became nervous.She only heard her deep and deep voice, and called out "Wang Haiyan" again with a heavy heart. She paused, as if she wanted to say something, but stopped again.I held my breath, and with my heart in my throat, I twisted the phone line with my free left hand, and urged in a squeaky voice: "Mr. Lin... what's the matter?" She was very slow—almost He said sloppily: "Your tablemate——she—is not here." "Not here? Where did she go?" I didn't even have a reaction, so I immediately asked.Silence - Mr. Lin is silent, and I am silent too.I was holding the phone receiver, staring at the snow-white wall in front of me with dazed eyes. For some unknown reason, the lights above my head flickered suddenly, and my temples hurt from the flash.I seem to understand what the teacher means, but I don't seem to understand it very well-all this is like a dream, so unreal, so unreal that even my heart doesn't seem to be beating.The world became quiet in an instant, and all the noise receded far away; in the unreal air, only Teacher Lin's voice was slowly narrating the story that couldn't be simpler: her father was on night shift, she My mother went to my little sister’s house to learn a new wool knitting pattern. She was reviewing her homework at home alone. Maybe because of fatigue, she turned on the water heater to take a bath, and then——Mr. up.During the whole narration, she and I carefully avoided saying the name of our tablemate, as if in this way, it could be another person who died.

However, my deskmate is really dead.died.Although I don't want to say her name.Although her appearance and her voice are still close to my eyes and ears.Although apart from me, the other students in the class still think that she is still alive, fresh and well-behaved, complaining with them about homework, the college entrance examination, the education system, and the endless future.She was dead—dead, simple as that. What on earth do we have to complain about? She has just begun to have confidence in her English proficiency, and she has just begun to have the courage to get what she wants to fill in—really, in recent days, for some reason, she has become very confident and energetic. The joy that was suppressed by all kinds of burdens miraculously came back alive. It was the first time in three years that I saw her face the challenge so calmly...

One day, she was lying on the table doing math problems, and I just came back from the teacher's office - Teacher Zhang asked me to sort out some papers for him - sat down on the chair and fanned the air with a pad.She suddenly raised her head slightly, put down her pen, raised her hands, and looked at it carefully for a while.My gaze was also drawn to her nails that looked like small shells.She felt my gaze a little bit, turned her head and smiled at me, and went to look at her hands again.Turning over and over with both hands.Suddenly she sighed, still looking at her hands, and said, "Tell me, put on nail polish, okay?" I couldn't help laughing, and asked, "You? Are you talking about Kodan?" "No," she said. Looking at her hands, she looked intoxicated, "I was thinking, after the exam, I will put on that ice blue nail polish." Sitting on my seat, I had already imagined that her fingernails were stained with ice. After blue, the whole person will look so refreshing.Before she had time to make a comment, she had already stopped her hand and picked up the pen, writing like flying on the draft pad, nodding her head, and said as if she had made some great determination: "Well, that's it!"

Another day, I was sitting next to her reading an inexplicable martial arts novel (anyway, when I am in the classroom, I always try not to make a sound), and she was reading classical Chinese.She pressed her chin against the edge of the desk, propped the chair back with her left hand, put her right hand on the table, and moved her five fingers like playing a piano.I glanced inadvertently, and saw a faint smile on her face, and her appearance was particularly stretched——I only glanced at her, and I was infected by her breath of happiness.Seeing her so happy, I was surprised, and leaned over to read her language books-"Sijue grandfather, exposed to frost and dew, cut thorns, to have a sizeable place. Children and grandchildren will treat it with no pity..." Look again She herself——brows are stretched, eyes are clear and bright, and there is a smile on the lips, which is indistinct, indistinguishable, like a song in the wind. There.I couldn't help but ask: "Hey, read the love letter? Mei Cheng is like this, what's the matter?" She gave a soft "hmm"—the tone of her voice obviously said that she hadn't spoken for a while, and she couldn't make a sound when she wanted to say it ——Turning to look at me as if waking up from a big dream, lazily opened half of the eyes, and said with a smile: "You are beautiful. It is too late for others to review their homework." I smiled and said: "Then you are extremely happy Already?" She pursed her lips and smiled noncommittally. She turned her face to look out of the window for a while, pressed half of her face on the desk, and said lazily with her back to me: "The weather is so beautiful. The sun is so bright. Classical Chinese I have mastered it all..." The more she said, the lower her voice became, and the lower the voice, the happier she was.

Looking at her at that time, the unhappiness in my heart was swept away.I thought, how wonderful, she has never been so sure, she can pass the exam. At that time, there was a kind of happy light on her body, which was so bright that people dare not look directly at it. But I hung up the phone just now, unable to say anything, curled up in the sofa, only wishing to shrink to infinitesimal size.On such a hot day, my hands and feet were cold and I kept shaking.I have never experienced such a trembling of helplessness.I thought, maybe the most important thing for me to do at this time is to cry, to cry over my parents who were doing housework, so as to tell them that my deskmate, my deskmate of three years, died, died.But I wanted to cry but had no tears, and finally trembled.

As soon as the door opened, my sister threw off her high heels and walked in.She is a new human being, wearing an off-the-shoulder dress and showing off her shoulders to the whole Shanghai all day, now humming an inexplicable tune with great pride.Seeing me, she froze for a moment. "What?" she asked, staring at me. I looked her up and down—long hair dyed light chestnut, heavily smeared upper eyelids, pale lips that were dying of color, Hua Ze's white shoulders, a huge Swatch sports watch... dyed ice blue Nails—how much she lived, how much she lived in her own disco! "What's the matter, Xiaoyan?" She tried to hold my hand.

I got up from the sofa, avoided her hand, and hid in the room.She missed it. The door opened a small crack, paused, and the crack widened a bit, and my sister came in lightly. "Do you drink water?" she said. She had changed into her arabesque dressing gown, her long hair hanging in a braid on her chest.I glanced at her, too lazy to move.I sat by the window, staring at the scenery outside alone—if residential buildings can be considered scenery. In this room, my sister and I each occupy a territory.The writing desk by the window is mine, and the dressing table in the inner corner is hers. We each have a bed, neatly placed in the corner next to the wall; my sister’s wardrobe has been expanding over the years, and she has put some clothes in it. It came to my closet—in order to repay my humility, she bought me a small single sofa—the one I’m sitting on now—the sofa is warm orange-red, round in shape , indulge yourself in it, no matter how busy and annoying you are, you will immediately feel comfortable and romantic; the bookcase is shared by the two of us, but her fashion magazines are always stuffed under the bed, so she can take it out and read it casually when she is lying on the bed.

It was dusk, and I didn’t know how long I was curled up on the sofa, my mind was dizzy, like floating on the water.Apart from the residential building outside the window, there are a few thin and small camphor trees in front of the building, which look like they may die at any time, which is very unpleasant.I stubbornly stared at the dark doorway of the residential building across the street—a woman with a bottle of soy sauce came out just now, with an inexplicable bun and a tuft of hair pointing hard at the sky; now it was a man in pajamas—pajamas The trousers are made of the most common small blue calico with a white background - he kicked the slippers, revealing a large bony chest in a rough way, with a cigarette in his mouth and a BP machine in his hand - this is my favorite The kind of man I hate to see, I can tell at a glance that he is a good-for-nothing man from a well-off family who is pampered.Just now I have been staring at a windowpane on the sixth floor of the opposite building, from which I can see the eroded sunset—the sunset on the windowpane seems to be in the water, trembling and dangling, which makes me dizzy. Halo, later, the sunset gradually faded away, and finally faded out.

When I looked at the man in pajamas with disgust, I was thinking about the fading sunset.Watching the sunset always makes people feel sad, even if it doesn't matter if there are a hundred of them, the sun will rise as usual tomorrow, but who can guarantee that tomorrow's sun will fade out today?Who can guarantee that tomorrow's world will be the same as today's?Who can guarantee that he will not fade out like the sunset in the next minute?In fact, the most terrifying thing is not falling—there is always a sound when falling; the most terrifying thing is not falling, but fading out, like my deskmate, without warning, without reservation, and forever.

"Do you want to drink water?" My sister asked again. I looked at her lazily, shaking my head. She went over and lay down on the bed.The way she walks at home is a bit weak, as if her feet are weak, which is worrying to see, and I guess it is because she is too lively outside.I turned to look at her - she was looking at me too.From my vantage point, the most obvious thing is her white chin.She then conjures a copy of ELLE from under the bed, covering her face. I had no interest in looking at her; seeing her really made me wonder if the dead man was real or not.Turning around, I continued to look out the window.When it starts to get dark, it always gets dark very fast.The woman and the man on the opposite side were gone, but there was a little girl who looked like a junior high school student just jumped off the bicycle, raised her head and shouted loudly: "Dad—" She put the horribly big schoolbag in the car basket. After a while, the hands were loosened, and the front wheels of the car leaned down listlessly. The whole car circled around and fell firmly to the ground. The little girl seemed in a bad mood. Standing on the spot with arms crossed, with a strong smell of gunpowder, he opened his voice and shouted again: "Dad—Dad—" A vague man in the building hurriedly replied: "Hey!" Then it was like a train going through a cave, " Here we come, here we come" shouted all the way down the stairs. "Something happened to you." Hearing my sister's voice, I gave up observing the little girl and turned my head to look at her again—I only saw the cover girl of "ELLE", with wheat-colored skin with a faint velvet luster, staring at me with burning eyes. "I haven't." I replied, and I didn't realize the emotion in my tone until I said it. "Something must have happened to you. It's a big deal." My sister put down the vertical magazine, showing a plain face, and said with a half-smile, "What did that little boy do?" "I don't know any little boys at all." A smile flickered across her face.The room seemed much darker than it had been a few minutes before, and I sat in the limited twilight of the window; I knew she must be safer and stronger than me in the dark. "Don't come to fight with me. I don't care if you know any boys or not. But, your golden age has just begun, and it's boring to fight with me..." She lay in the shadows, babbling confidently.I shrunk tighter and tighter in the depths of the sofa, my mind was in a mess, but my heart felt an embarrassing pain - this pain was not entirely for anyone, it just grew up quickly, so big that I had to shrink Tighten my body to suppress it and prevent its infinite growth-I only have a hunch that it will grow endlessly inside me. "Dead," I said. My words and my tears fell down together, hitting the most painful place in my heart.My pain still continues to grow. ——The sky is getting dark rapidly, and no one can escape it. Following my three words, there was a sudden silence all around.I clenched, my eyes pressed against my knees, and I felt warm tears streaming down my pants and skin. "My deskmate died." I could have said nothing to her, I would have said nothing.However, in the pain of growing up, I suddenly wanted to pull her in cruelly, into this inexplicable pain and fear-at least I wanted to embarrass her, and I knew how to embarrass her.I hate her, I hate her for being so energetic, I hate her for living with such relish—what on earth does she have, when others are dying?From such a distance, I can still clearly discern the continuous heat and vitality on her body.There was a sweet scent of youth in her, while the others were becoming cold and musty and stinky.Had she never heard of death?Wouldn't she doubt, wouldn't she suffer? Tears flowed down to my knees, warm, but at the edge of that warmth, the stained trousers had begun to cool and become sticky—the warm tears were a drop of hot water falling on the snow.What is new soon becomes old, and the old becomes ashes.The warm tears start to cool the moment they come out of the eyes, becoming something other than emotionless tears.Some things cannot be said, and it is wrong to say them. The twilight is all in one. what time is it? My eyes have long been used to the darkness, and I can't tell whether it is getting brighter or darker now.The moon cannot be seen from the window of this room. I don't know how long I've been lying in bed with my eyes wide open like this.Sometimes I avert my eyes and look at the furniture and items in the room, and sometimes I just stare blankly at the ceiling above my head in a daze.I am actually a person who is very afraid of the dark. Although I am in my own room, and I am accompanied by my sister, as soon as the lights are turned off, I have the illusion that the world has changed into another world—a dark room is completely another Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night, I think that everything in the room is an ambush beast, and even my sister is not like her. I am even worried that she has become a kind of... Dare to say something, but, in the dark night, many hazy conjectures will find me, making me afraid that there will be snorting all around. What's more, tonight, I'm at the same table.I can almost smell the breath of death—on the pillow, on the mat, in the flowing air... My grandparents, grandparents, and grandparents are all alive, and the death of my deskmate made me so close to death for the first time in my life, so close .Up to now, I still have fantasies, hoping to go to school tomorrow morning, and I still see my deskmate walk into the classroom door quietly, as usual, with light steps, as if worried about disturbing someone.I couldn't believe in death at all, even though it was so real and so palpable—that's when I realized that I never believed in human death.But now someone is dead, someone I know, I know, I like—and lying in bed, it dawns on me: I'm going to die too, maybe in the next minute—and when it happens, It will seem natural and natural. "Xiaoyan, are you awake?" It was my sister's voice.In this dark night, her voice was soft and elastic.I was not surprised when I heard her speak suddenly, I only agreed slightly. There was silence again in the room.Now I know that my sister is awake too.I lay on my back on the bed, holding my hands secretly.In fact, unconsciously, I have been listening to the murmur of nightworms on the wall outside the window-they are like a very small and very short light, piercing people's temples on both sides.Only the moon is shining at night, and the light of the moon is soft and kind.But the moon cannot be seen from the window of my room. "Xiaoyan, come and sleep with me." My sister asked. I lay straight on the bed, heard her words, but didn't move immediately, as if I had to lie like this for a while before I could make up my mind to sit up.My sister only made a request, and didn't speak any more, and didn't urge me. After waiting for a long time, I finally sat up on the edge of the bed, and sat in that position for a while before I moved my heavy feet and fumbled for the slippers on the ground.Every action I take now will be blocked by a lot of inexplicable thoughts-I always think that the same table has also been lying down like this, the same table has also been sitting like this, and the same table has its own slippers. ...and one day, I will be the same as my deskmate. As soon as I got close to my sister, I could smell the sweet fragrance of youth on her body.I lay next to her, leaning against her pillow, and said, "Sister, go sunbathing in summer." "Ok?" "Turn your skin the color of honey, add the scent of honey on your body, and you will be like an open jar of honey." My sister smiled slightly in the dark, and said, "That's not good, it attracts insects." I stretched out my hand to pinch her left arm, and smelled her fragrance again—really, she is the only person I have met in my life with such obvious youthfulness, and when her eyes change at night The sweetness becomes clearer and more pleasant when it is in a secondary position. "Xiaoyan?" "Ok?" "About your deskmate." My throat constricted slightly.This matter has been rolling in my mind, but I don't want others-especially my sister-to mention it. "She's dead." When I speak, I try not to overtone my sentences.I don't want to mention her; I'm afraid, in the dark.The night in early summer has not had time to become sultry and hot. From time to time, there is a gust of light wind, which does not swirl close to the ground like the northwest wind in winter, but flows quietly and gracefully, making it ambiguous and familiar. ——I almost heard the footsteps of my deskmate from the wind. "Haven't you been thinking about her? Why can't you tell me—tell me? You obviously..." "She's dead. Besides, you don't know her." I interrupted my sister coldly.I know that I am very unreasonable, but I don't want to be reasonable - relying on her warm body, listening to her soft voice, feeling the sweet fragrance of her youth... I can't help but realize: she lives so happily , but wanted to talk about someone else's death!I can't help being jealous, I can't help being resentful.I couldn't tell my deskmate—the dead deskmate—to this new, alive human being. She fell silent.All of a sudden, our ears can only hear the whispering of bugs outside—they live, die, move, drill, they are just like us, but without my doubts, my fears, or my lack of self-confidence, they are at any time Anywhere, you can escape from the bright world to the dull underground, escape from history, escape from action, and escape from noisy life. The night was quiet and dark. "What are you dissatisfied with me? What do you hate about me? Why do you reject me like this?" My sister's tone was like the night, so quiet and unassuming, so black that it was smooth and soft.The elder sister I am familiar with has never spoken in such a tone—today, for the first time, I heard her ask me these three words in such a quiet, sincere and touching tone, which are not casual and perfunctory. speechless. She seemed to have made up her mind, and she didn't intend to listen to my answer. She just paused, and then continued: "I'm your sister, but I found out today that you really hate me. In your eyes, am I really that hateful? How did our relationship become like this? I don't know what I'm sorry for you, and even provoked You hate me so much—what do you want?" My whole body was stiff, and I lay on my back in a daze.For a moment my brain was a flawless blank, so pure, dazzling, and sickeningly white.I only heard my sister repeating by her side: "What are you for?" "My deskmate is dead," I don't understand why I always say this sentence, it makes me feel cold all over. "Yes, she is.... But why do you..." "Why me? I'm dead—my tablemate...she is dead—but you, you live so vigorously, you live so vigorously, you live, live..." "Xiaoyan, Xiaoyan," my sister gently approached my ear, "I don't want to say—but, aren't you the same?" I probably shivered a bit, and the bed groaned in pain from the shock—light, but sharp. Night, quiet and dark.I understand that the moon can never be seen from the window of this room—I am a person who is afraid of the dark, but I can never lie in bed comfortably and look at the beautiful moon. Under such a night sky, I am unprecedentedly small and helpless.Am I alive?Under the all-encompassing night watch, what difference does it make between life and death?live or die.The night was quiet and dark.Cold tears flowed out of the corners of my eyes at some point, and slowly slid down my cheeks, and the slender and cold trembling stretched all the way to the back of my neck. "I am at the same table, and she is a very good person. I have been at the same table with her for three years-it is very rare to have a stable tablemate like us in the class. How many people have not changed seats? Really very little. "My deskmate has always envied me, admired me, and even worshiped me. She probably thinks that I am better than her in everything. She herself is very ordinary: she is not particularly beautiful, her grades are neither good nor bad, and she has done nothing to make her feel better. All the teachers and students in the school remember her—even I didn’t pay much attention to her. I knew she was a nice person, and I never thought about changing seats; we got along very well in the past three years. After being admitted, I was still sitting next to her, except being called to the office by the teacher to do things. The college entrance examination is approaching, and I have been helping her review her homework. She is not very confident, and I always cheer her up. But recently, For some reason, she suddenly became more energetic and her work efficiency improved a lot. When I asked her why, she just smiled noncommittally. Of course I am happy for her—— "Nobody knew she was going to die. Nobody knew. I still can't believe it's true. I... I can't tell the difference between being alive and dead—you say she's dead, or that she's What's the point of being alive? She's still there, she just talked to you, why did she die? Death is so far away from me, but how do I know that the next one will die? What about me? Now I don't believe in her death, maybe when I am about to die, I still don't believe that I will die.