Chapter 38 37

Jing walked home slowly.Finally going back.It was only a day away, but too many things happened in this day.She seemed to be going through those eight years again with great effort.Autumn has come.Once it gets dark, it gets very cold.Jing shrank her shoulders.She was still wearing a short-sleeved shirt, and half of her arms showed a green color in the dry autumn air. The cold wind blew to every inch of her skin, making her hair stand up like rice planting.Jing suddenly wanted to go home quickly. She was very glad that there was still a place in this world where she could go back when she was so hopeless.But she suddenly realized that she didn't know where she was.

It was already late at night when Jing returned home. After walking for several hours, she dragged her tired body slowly upstairs.The heart has gradually calmed down.She wanted to talk to the publisher, hoping that he would be accommodating, and that she would first help Xiao Zhuo pay his college tuition.She could work in a coffee shop while she started writing novels again.I'm going to see Yuya, I haven't been there for a long time, I'm just afraid that she will ask about the new book.This will disappoint her.But give her a few more months, and this time she'll finish it faster.

She finally arrived at the door of the house.He took the cold key out of his pocket and opened the door. The house was dark at night.There was no one in the living room.Xiao Zhuo's room was tightly closed.She missed him and couldn't wait to see him.Jing pushed open the door and touched the switch on the wall.Snapped. The sound was like a muffled sigh.The muffled sound buzzed in his ears.As soon as Jing turned on the light, she saw them.It's them, not him.This might be the first time she's seen him naked, since he's grown up.When they were young, they got into the bathroom to take a bath together. She remembered that at that time he had a big head and a thin neck, holding his face up like a duckling.She liked his every move, and believed that this body could become more radiant.Time had indeed answered her words, and he was now a beautiful boy, comparable to the radiant gods of Greek mythology.

Xiaoyan lay in his arms, as delicate as a flower about to be crushed.Her beautiful long hair fell around her neck and fell to her chest.They are so attached, so needy and clinging to each other. This sudden moment of seeing made Jing almost dizzy.She hadn't thought about this relationship between a man and a woman for too long. She had lived alone with Xiao Zhuo for so long, but she always seemed to be wrapped in ice. They never got close or had such an impulse.She treated him like a child after all. Jing suddenly remembered that when she was a child, she secretly looked inside Lu Yihan and Man's room at No. 3 Taoli Street.It was a flash of lightning in the sky of her childhood, so bright that it was hard to open her eyes.Now is another bolt of lightning flashing across her current sky.Is this a torment that cannot be stopped?

Jing exited the room.That action was like a complete curtain call.The door creaked shut, in a gesture that cut her off from the blinding world within. Jing fled back to her room as quickly as possible, and Xiao Zhuo knocked on the door not long after.Jing said to him through the door, I'm too tired, let's save the matter until tomorrow.She heard the sound of Xiao Zhuo's slippers getting quieter, and he walked away. That day Jing thought that she would definitely stay up all night.But the strange thing is that after she lay down, she fell asleep immediately and stayed there until dawn.In the morning, she woke up and opened her eyes, thinking about the past few days from the beginning.She said to herself, Jing, you should feel happy.Other people's affairs will never affect you again and hold you back.No one will make you worry, you really live for yourself.Freedom of care is a supreme state.It should be celebrated.

She opened the door, but saw Xiao Zhuo sitting on the ground by the door, falling asleep with his knees hugged.Xiao Zhuo woke up immediately, raised his head and looked at Jing.Jing hesitated to speak, and walked to the balcony.Xiao Zhuo followed her.As soon as Jing pushed open the balcony door, she saw a large safflower of oleander.One pot after another, the whole circle around the balcony.Xiao Zhuo should have bought it for her birthday.There is also a rattan chair in the middle, it must be very comfortable to lie on your back.She was sad for a while, and stood there watching quietly.There was a torrential rain last night - she didn't notice it at all, but now seeing water droplets on every flower, it is more tender, only those that can't bear the load will break.She closed her eyes and thought, there will never be another morning like this, the sun has not become dazzling, and the birdsong is so clear that you can tell which direction it is coming from.The people downstairs were taking care of the flowers and plants on the balcony, complaining about the heavy rain last night.

Jing lit a cigarette for herself—Jing seldom smoked at this time, and occasionally took out one to light when she was sad. She slowly sat down on the wicker chair, closed her eyes, and shook a few times: The rattan chair is very comfortable, and the rattan branches are not thorny at all.Jing said softly. It's a second-hand item, very cheap.Xiao Zhuo said immediately.He was always very timid, standing cautiously aside. Xiaozhuo has grown up and knows how to save money.Jing didn't open her eyes, and said with a smile. Miss sister, are you angry with me... I know I was wrong, I shouldn't have been with Xiaoyan without your permission... Xiao Zhuo's tone is like that of an elopement child to the elders of a feudal family say.Jing shook her head, and said bitterly: This is your freedom, you have grown up.

No, I should have asked your opinion first.Sorry.Xiao Zhuo said with his head downcast. I am not your parent.Jing answered him irritably.She opened her eyes, sat up, stopped shaking the rattan chair, sighed and said: Xiao Zhuo, your decision is right.It's just that I think I should move out, lo and behold, you're old enough to take care of yourself.Jing is by no means angry with him, but just feels that it seems impossible to make herself behave as if nothing had happened.A woman's jealousy is the worst thing. Don't, miss, don't leave us.Xiao Zhuo went around in front of her and grabbed Jing's hand.Hearing Xiao Zhuo said "we", Jing smiled sadly, and then thought, why do I care so much about individual words?Her eyes were red, and she said wronged: I remember when I was young, you asked me if I would not be bullied by evil spirits when I grew up. I said yes, and you were very scared, afraid that I would grow up first and leave you alone.Now it seems that this is not the case. It turns out that you grew up first.

No, miss.It's because you grew up very early, and you have gone far, far away, so far away that I can't see you clearly.Xiao Zhuo squatted down at Jing's feet, and hugged Jing tightly head-on.Seeing that Jing was noncommittal, Xiao Zhuo said again: When I was young, I also felt that I would spend my whole life with my young lady, and I would not like other girls in my heart.After my father left, my little sister and I depended on each other and became each other's only relatives.However, we are no longer as close as we used to be.The young lady looks so tall, like a statue in the clouds, cold and out of reach.How can I get closer to the heart of the little sister, I often think.

Jing looked at Xiao Zhuo in confusion, and asked: Is that so? You are like a mirror for me, but I see myself from you, so weak and incompetent, I can't help you share any sorrow, seeing you so haggard and silent, but the only thing I can do is not to give you any more more trouble.Miss sister, do you know that I am worried every day, afraid that I will get sick.I know that's expensive and it will make you work harder. Jing was heartbroken for a while, choked up and said: You did it, Xiao Zhuo.Since Uncle Lu left us, you haven't been sick once.But I never thought you were useless.You are what keeps me going.

But I'm not the one you really need.You like my dad, don't you?He makes you feel safe and warm, doesn't he?You avoided seeing him at boarding high school and tried to do everything for him, didn't you?I was sad when Dad died, but he never left us.He is among us, so you often think of me as a father.Although Xiao Zhuo's tone was indifferent, Jing was stunned for a moment.She and Xiao Zhuo never touched on this issue.She didn't know how to answer him, but she had to admit that when she and Xiao Zhuo got very close, she could feel that Lu Yihan was also very close.But she still denied it: No, that's not the case.Xiao Zhuo, I don't see you as his substitute, I can tell you apart. I'm not a substitute, but I don't have your love here either.Miss sister, you like to buy me sky blue clothes, but you never know, I don’t like sky blue, it’s dad who likes sky blue; Miss sister, you think my favorite painter is Munch, but I like Munch It's Dad not me; I feel like we're living in a nostalgic home surrounded by everything Dad likes...but you never know what I like.Xiao Zhuo said, feeling sore and bitter, he buried his head. Xiao Zhuo planned to give Jing a good birthday.That day he cut Jing's hair, and made an agreement with Jing to ask her to open herself so that people around her could approach.When Jing agreed, Xiao Zhuo was very happy.But that afternoon she disappeared.No calls, no messages.They couldn't imagine how it took so long just to go for a walk.And they prepared small bamboo baskets for picnics, sandwiches made of luncheon meat and tuna, and Xiaoyan prepared a large orange checked tablecloth, spread on the ground like a boat. Noah's Ark, Xiao Zhuo said.Xiaoyan couldn't help pursing her lips and laughing.She leaned over, kissed Xiao Zhuo's face, and said softly: "Then let's escape in Noah's Ark." They also had borrowed Polaroid cameras for group photos.Holding the bus ticket to the suburbs in his hand.But I didn't receive her call until late at night. With a noisy voice, I just said I couldn't come back, so I hung up.Xiao Zhuo and Xiao Yan beside him turned around to look at their vivid and charming Noah's Ark, and the thought of being in love with each other became more profound at that moment.When I called again, I found out that it was a bar and it was closed. The landlord came to ask for the rent, the school had to pay the book fee, and a publisher came to ask the sister for the manuscript out of nowhere... They faced the most rude and direct things, and they were helpless to comfort each other, which made them get closer. In fact, Xiaoyan is a rather precocious child.Her love is strong again, and she becomes cautious and caressing about love because of lack.She has to speak out, not hide.She also needs a response, and the response is a wall on the wilderness that allows her to hear the voice and resist the fear in her heart.Can no longer be cold. They watched TV and watched horror movies that night, but Xiao Zhuo was no longer afraid, he was a man.Instead, he wants to protect Xiaoyan and open his arms for the scared Xiaoyan to cuddle up to.After watching, they said good night to each other and went back to their room to sleep.But suddenly Xiaoyan grabbed Xiaozhuo's hand: can I go to your room, I'm afraid. She got into his bed.She giggled.Xiao Zhuo looked at her smile and was puzzled.But this confusion is the most beautiful honey in the world, and no one can resist it.When she stuffed her tongue into his mouth, Xiao Zhuo couldn't see anything except Xiaoyan's thick hair like a forest overflowing with fragrance and lust. Xiaoyan is different from you, she looks so delicate, you can't help but want to protect her.She is also a mirror, but the reflected me is my real self, the grown-up self, without the shadow of my father stacked there.Xiao Zhuo said. Jing just felt that what she did a long time ago, what she thought was beautiful, turned out to be wrong.She tried to give him the best, to make him feel enough, which turned out to be not what he wanted.She has been imposing it on him, and he was not happy until Xiaoyan came and rescued him. Since Xiaozhuo is happy, that is good, and I am also free, liberated, and no longer live for other people.Jing closed her eyes and swung the wicker chair again. Vaguely, she heard the people downstairs playing the Kunqu opera "A Dream in the Garden", and the woman's voice was as sharp and friendly as the collision of enamel pots.She suddenly remembered that many years ago, grandma liked to hear this.Grandma sat in front of the lamp and sewed winter cotton clothes for Jing, and the small radio was Kunqu opera.Thinking about it now, it was grandma's emotional moment, and there was still unquenched expectations in my heart.She thought of her grandmother who was silent, widowed when she was young, and lonely for half of her life, and there were many complaints in her heart.Those who wake up early from the dream are hard to believe that the night is long, but instead of still pretending to be a dream, it is better to get up, and still leave the rest of the night simple and comfortable.Now she feels that her dream has woken up, so she should get up freely. Jing stretched out her arms and said to Xiao Zhuo: Hug me again. Xiao Zhuo hugged her for a long time. On the balcony full of wasteful oleander fragrance, she burst into tears and faintly heard the song "A Dream in the Garden" downstairs singing to the most mournful point. Xiao Zhuo gently caressed her. Touching Jing's hair: Miss, I love you so much.But this love is a rope that can never reach you, a half ladder.I've been looking up below for too long, and I can't even touch the real you.So finally gave up.Forgive my cowardice. Jing just cried.Only she knows how ridiculous and false the highness of getting into the clouds is.What a humble place she is, and what kind of ordinary and indifferent friendship she is looking for.But after all, I can't get it. The Kunqu opera downstairs stopped abruptly, as if reminding Jing that it was time to go.Jing's heart was startled, and she suddenly felt that the world was only a few years old, and the music that grandma had heard had now come to her.And the gradual letting go of fate and indifference to fate is inherent and multiplied accordingly. Jing's insistence on leaving made Xiaozhuo and the others feel embarrassed.But in the end, he had no choice but to watch her go.She tidied up her suitcases, only to realize that there was almost nothing of her own.Few clothes, few books.How ridiculous, our Jing.When I moved here, I thought how could there be so many things, and I couldn't move them all.But when he was about to leave, he found that there was nothing to take with him. Jing just used the large schoolbag she carried to school, packed her clothes, and a pair of slippers.Then put in a few Cong Wei's books she owned.that's it.She goes to the door.Turning to Xiaozhuo who came with her, she said: I'm leaving.I will pay for the room, water and electricity for you.I will transfer the money you need for living to Xiaozhuo's passbook.If you have something to do, you can write to the magazine I work for, and I will receive it—she intentionally left such a tortuous contact method, thinking that they will probably not contact them again, but she is worried about them, and hopes that if there is anything that needs help You can let her know in this way.Now that she has finished what she should explain, she can leave without any worries.However, she was so sad in her heart.If everything can be saved by doing some things, she will definitely try her best to do it, and she said to Xiao Zhuo: When I move to a house with a big balcony, you have to help me grow henna. Jing smiled sadly and stepped out the door.