Chapter 21 19.Honeysuckle

By the time my right hand fully recovered and I was able to write and draw, it was already winter.Snow is the treasure of Luocheng, and it is rare to see it. However, this is the beginning of winter, and the sky has scattered a lot of snowflakes extravagantly. I often wear a thick black woolen trench coat and a lavender scarf full of circles, and I go to paint outdoors in the cold.My newly recovered right hand is very flexible, so I drew many pictures, all of which are interpretations of snow.In fact, I am very afraid of the cold, but I really like how I look in the cold. My face is always red like a plastic flower, which is unreal and cute.

These days I have been alone, my heart is like still water.I waited for Ji Yan to come to me, I think he will come, he will come, I can't tell, but I have already placed my expectations on it. The topic between us must not avoid Li Cheng and Duan Xiaomu.I think I will come back to the question in the end, whether I will go back to Licheng with him.I'm still confused about this. I really don't know how to face Duan Xiaomu.What keeps me wondering is whether I am murdering Duan Xiaomu, or has she controlled me as a devil long ago?So I waited for Ji Yan to come to me again, I waited for him to completely convince me and let me return to Licheng without any doubts, or I had a fierce dispute with him on this issue, which eventually reached the point of no return , I was able to hate him and succeeded in driving him out of my heart.

However, what worries me is my relationship with Tang Xiao.Ever since Tang Xiao and Ji Yan had an argument in the corridor, they never came to see me in the hospital. I didn't see her until I was discharged from the hospital and returned to school.Is this my cousin Tang Xiao?She was wearing a black miniskirt that barely covered her buttocks, and a tight black vest with only one strap on her suspenders.Black boots, and a large trench coat that mopped the floor.There is nothing unsightly about her like this, but it is only a season apart, and the changes are so great, it is really surprising: her new lip gloss is a hazy white mist color, and her eye shadow is pale purple, which match her black clothes It looks very coordinated, and with the appearance of smoking a cigarette, it looks like a female spy in a movie.Beside her was a man dressed as a male spy. Just like the arrangement in the movie, this beautiful female spy was surrounded by many male spies.They lighted her cigarettes, told her all kinds of dirty jokes, and flirted with her.She seemed extremely happy, so happy that I couldn't disturb her, so I could only walk around.This is my younger sister, please allow me to describe it this way, she is like a steadfast woman who suddenly enlightens herself in the dust, she suddenly let go of her mind, broke the taboo, and enjoyed the "happiness" that she had never had before.I think this is a woman who has lost love. I can guess that the reason why she is like this is probably because her dear drummer still can't fall in love with her, after all these things have passed.So of course Tang Xiao hates me too.

She can hate, I thought it was impossible in my life, but now I know that she can hate, a very harsh kind. Tang Xiao really took back all the love she had rejected and declined in the past, and there were always people around her.They made me feel sick, I didn't want to understand them at all, so I arbitrarily concluded that they couldn't compare with Ji Yan - I don't know what happened to me, I used to allow myself to be wild, allow myself to have sex with messy men A brief relationship, but now Tang Xiao can't see him doing this at all. I finally felt the love I have given as a cousin. I thought it was nothingness, but in fact, I have paid too much love and attention to her.I hope she is doing well, especially well, and making everyone envious.This is a constant desire.

The days just turned around, Tang Xiao had endless boyfriends, but I was alone, yes, this is what I wished for, I no longer need those tall and strong partners to help me support my life, No need. On a weekend in December, I was still staying in the dormitory of the school. I hoped to wait until dusk and go out alone to step on the snow in front of the door.Tang Xiao was not there again.I slept alone until 4pm when I was awakened by a knock on the door.Just as I had a premonition a minute ago, this person is Ji Yan.My hair was disheveled, and my face looked dehydrated and dry after a long sleep.My heart was originally dry, until now that premonition made my heart gradually moist.I call him:

"Ji Yan, Ji Yan." —the door between us was half-closed and half-open, swaying between us with the faint wind.The wind and the door seemed to be twisted into a thread, pulling me and Ji Yan, the corner of his windbreaker was blown up, blown high, and slapped lightly on my leg.Within this small distance, we stood and watched without saying a word. Watch and stand. How long later, even after I could no longer hear the wind, I knew that the wind and the white snow outside the downstairs window that day could commemorate that moment: two hollow people who have erased all the past, standing in the wind. Here, they were thinking of something so touching.

Ji Yan looked at me with sad eyes.Then he finally said: "Like mine?" To my surprise, this problem finally happened. It is like a flower that is about to bloom and has been hanging here for many seasons.Now he has finally let it open, although I don't know whether it has reached the flowering period, or has already passed the flowering period. I do not speak. He nodded in understanding and said: "come here." I listened to his words very much, took two steps forward, opened the half-closed door, and arrived in front of him.We have never stood so close, so close, I can clearly see the moles and fine lines on his face.He lowered his head a little and kissed my lips.

What kind of kiss is this?It was chaotic and full of sweetness, and it flowed to my mouth like a sweet juice with the ease that is characteristic of liquids.I think it's finally happening, love, true and pure love finally oozing out of hate.I shed tears and wrapped my arms around Ji Yan's neck. Suddenly I heard a familiar voice, and I had already inadvertently stood beside Ji Yan and me. It was Tang Xiao, the sad and angry Tang Xiao.Tang Xiao roared loudly: "Du Wanwan, what are you doing? Don't touch Ji Yan! Let him go!" I was extremely flustered, although I told myself plainly that I hadn't done anything terrible, but I was still very flustered, this scene happened exactly like a wife being caught and raped in bed.I let go of him.Ji Yan and I were facing each other, and Tang Xiao was standing on my left side. We hadn't moved all the time, as if we were playing a game where whoever made the last move would die.

It was Tang Xiao who spoke first again. Tang Xiao took a step towards Ji Yan, grabbed Ji Yan's arm with his hand, and asked Ji Yan loudly: "Ji Yan, explain it to me. Why is that?" Ji Yan thought for a while, but still didn't tell the fact that we were in love. I think he, like me, was unwilling to hurt Tang Xiao more decisively.Ji Yan didn't explain anything, he turned and went downstairs.Tang Xiao immediately followed him and rushed down.Only I am still standing at the door where the wind patrols and people wander.I was still standing, and I could hear Tang Xiao and Ji Yan's arguing a little bit, which became smaller and smaller, and gradually disappeared.

I go back to the house.Gradually recall the scene just now.Everything that happened in the last moment can be picked up and erased, but that kiss cannot.It was a very simple ceremony, it was very sketchy and urgent, but it had an important meaning, it announced our love. It is different from all the loves I have kept in the past. The old love is under my control like a pet. I feed it, groom it, beat it, and taunt it.And at any moment I can consider whether to ditch it.But now, suddenly a wild beast broke in.It is very beautiful, but its temper is eccentric and unpredictable.It is completely unfamiliar to me, I do not know how to feed it, how to take care of it.There is only one thing I know very well, I must keep it, it is an extremely beautiful thing.

Things have gotten to the point where it's just one step away from being both warm and bitterly cold.Now I understand very well that since I love Ji Yan, I must let him see Duan Xiaomu.Maybe it was a very simple thing, Ji Yan stood behind me to protect me, after more than ten years, Duan Xiaomu is no longer the devil tormenting me, our meeting ended soon, and I completely got Ji Yan Yan’s forgiveness, he will hold my hand forever and never separate; but maybe, maybe this is a trap, after I followed Ji Yan to meet Duan Xiaomu, I found out that Ji Yan loves Duan Xiaomu instead of me,— —God knows why I have such weird thoughts, anyway, if that's the case, then Duan Xiaomu must hold the old grudge that I hurt her and won't let me go.Ji Yan and her are on the side, just their status as lovers is enough to hurt me deeply, not to mention they will never forgive me.I've never been smart, I've always taken things a little too far.I love in a panic, hate in a panic.I brewed love into mellow wine and used it to soak my heart and lungs. I made hate into a hot poker and used it to burn through the enemy's chest.These are fixed in my body and can no longer be dispelled. They are absorbed into my blood like nutrients, and carved into my skin like scars.I think these can well explain why I hated Duan Xiaomu for so long, and why I suddenly fell in love with Ji Yan so fiercely.Really, I have never been smart, and I have never been able to withstand the temptation of beautiful things. Now my chances of being close to warmth and severe cold are 50% each, but warmth is like a fermented worm in my heart. The bread is getting bigger and bigger, releasing more and more fragrant sweetness. On the day I endured that kiss, I didn’t go out, didn’t follow the original plan to step on the snow at the door, but trapped myself in this room with tightly drawn curtains. My drawing board is stuck to the floor like a cracked floor tile. The severe winter cold makes it icy cold. On it, I implicitly draw the side face of a man and his somewhat narcissistic fingers.And I was like a piece of dust falling from the ceiling, lightly attached to the bed, and it seemed that I might be blown up at any time.I have been lying like this, eyes closed or open, looking at the ceiling or the winter scene outside the window, seeing the sky outside the window is bright or dark, and midnight has come.I opened my eyes in a daze, amidst the sudden sound of the door opening.Tang Xiao is back.Her bed was opposite to mine. She threw the denim-colored embroidered backpack on the bed, and then she leaned over and sat down beside the bed.She looked very tired, and I figured maybe she'd been wandering the streets all afternoon in a terribly angry state.She didn't speak for a long time, and she also lay down, looking seriously thinking about something.I didn't want her to notice my unusually concerned expression, so I turned sideways to face the wall and couldn't see her again.Then I heard her sit up.I turned over and saw that she had got out of bed, squatting on the ground and looking at my painting seriously.She giggled.To be honest, Tang Xiao has always been a very fascinating girl, but her smile has never been as contagious as it is now.Well, not contagious, but penetrating.Perhaps penetration is not appropriate enough, it should be said to be lethal.I heard mandolin-like melodious laughter, which blinded my ears, and I was trapped by the groaning laughter, as if my chest was pressed by a powerful hand, and I couldn't breathe.She picked up the drawing board and walked to my bed, knelt down in a comfortable posture, bent her face, and said into my ear: "Is this Ji Yan?" I drew that painting in a very confused night. I just picked up the pen casually at that time, without thinking about who to draw.Then the paint on my pen poured down like water with a sluice opened, and when it flowed onto the drawing board, it became a man's face.Now it seems that anyone who knows Ji Yan can easily see that this man is Ji Yan.But I still don't want to admit yes to Tang Xiao.I didn't answer her.Her knowingly asking made me extremely nervous.All my nerves are reminding me that now Tang Xiao has become perverse and violent, I need to dodge to avoid harm. She was still grinning.Suddenly cried out sweetly: "Sister." I was shocked, this is a title I haven't heard for a long time, I love her, Tang Xiao, tears have covered my eyes, I finally got the courage, I stared at her, and I The little sister Tang Xiao who has lived for more than ten years. She stroked my face with her hand, which was something she never did when she loved and admired me the most. I closed my eyes, and I believed in those ancient truths. Sisters do not hold grudges .Just when I completely trusted her and believed that we had reconciled, her fingernails suddenly pierced into the skin of my face, deeply and fiercely like an inhuman beast, and the pain on my face was like vines Climb up in the same way and cover my entire face.She added: "Sister, please get out of Ji Yan's side, get out of here forever." Her voice was very calm, but it wrapped around my body like a tornado, and my pain had spread all over my body.I knew from that moment that I would never get back together with Tang Xiaoyan.Because she, like me, can engrave hatred into her bones bit by bit, which will accompany her for the rest of her life.What's more, can I really "get away" from Ji Yan's side?According to my deep and dignified attitude towards love, I will love Ji Yan forever, even if he deceives me and hurts me, let alone other people's obstruction?So Tang Xiao and I can no longer love each other.The love between me was blocked by a man, we were consumed by this man, and we no longer have the strength to love others. Winter has just begun, and I think there is always something harsher to come.The deep flower of love blooms inappropriately at this time.In the face of premature babies, we should be more precious.I always say, no matter what, there are always flowers that can survive the winter.