Chapter 13 Chapter Twelve

Yang Yang has faith. A few days later, Qiu Fei received a text message from a strange mobile phone: I am Yang Yang, and I am resting in the Bailong Cave of Emei Mountain. You are all well, don’t read it. Yesterday I dreamed that my father was sick. Please help me to see if my parents are healthy. Just text back, don't tell them where I am, please. Qiu Fei immediately called the phone, but the phone was turned off. Qiu Fei called Yang Yang's family, and Yang Yang's father answered. Qiu Fei pretended to look for Yang Yang and asked Yang Yang if he had contacted his family recently. Yang Yang's father said no. It's okay, but I don't know where Yang Yang is, so I'm anxious.

Qiu Fei decided to go to Yang Yang, Beijing couldn't stay any longer, Zhou Zhou was floating around in his mind, and he couldn't do anything. Virtue is universal, and softness, kindness and obedience are called virtuous.Samantabhadra Bodhisattva and Manjusri Bodhisattva are both the two major courtiers of Sakyamuni Buddha. Samantabhadra expresses "virtue" and extensively cultivates ten kinds of vows. Mount Emei, the ashram of Samantabhadra Bodhisattva. Bailong Cave, built during the Jiajing period of the Ming Dynasty, is 950 meters above sea level. It is said that Bai Suzhen once practiced here to achieve a positive result, went to the West Lake with the green snake on the opposite mountain, and met Xu Xian.

Jinding is the peak of Mount Emei, with an altitude of 3077 meters. Qiu Fei went up by cable car. Sitting on the cable car, looking down at the mountain path, you can see sporadic students carrying travel bags. They are agile and move at least two steps at a time. Waving the wooden stick in his hand is empty swing, tireless. Qiu Fei went to Huashan before.It took one day and one night to climb up. The altitude of Huashan Mountain is 1,000 meters lower than that of Mount Emei. It takes more time to climb Mount Emei.China is too big and there are too many mountains. People's energy and time are limited, and they can't finish climbing.It's not that Qiu Fei didn't understand this truth before, but he didn't accept it.At that time, he was challenging the world, not afraid of the height of the mountains, not afraid of the depth of the water, eager to overcome, but now, he is a gesture of resignation to the world, knowing the height of the mountains, knowing the depth of the water, and knowing that after defeating once, there will be more.Endless battle.People are always small. Although their hearts can be higher than the sky, their lives are thinner than paper in the end.Having figured this out, Qiu Fei bought the cable car ticket without hesitation.

It's snowing on the mountain, and there is a piece of silver on the golden summit, and there is a sunrise.There is a sea of ​​clouds, Buddha statues, pilgrims, tourists, and monkeys. Qiu Fei feels that it is different from Beijing.Going out for a walk can make you feel better. After getting off the Golden Summit, Qiu Fei took a sightseeing bus to the parking lot halfway up the mountain, and then took another cable car to the back mountain, where the White Dragon Cave is located. Qiu Fei found Bailong Cave according to the map.Bailong Cave is not a cave, but a temple. There is a couplet at the entrance: "The white dragon has a good story through the ages, and the seven-fold treasure tree is planted against the clouds", and there are few tourists.

The temple is built on more than a dozen stone steps, and there are a few mountain people carrying sliding poles sitting under the stone steps.The slider is set aside.They played cards in a circle and brought money. Qiu Fei went up the stone steps.Before coming to the temple, two monks were eating hawthorn at the door. Qiu Fei stepped forward and asked, "Master, is there a man named Yang Yang living here?" One of the monks spat out the hawthorn seeds in his mouth and said, "From Beijing?" Qiu Fei said: "Yes!" describing the characteristics of Yang Yang. Another monk glanced at the sun and said, "He may have gone to the monkey area."

Qiu Fei asked, "When will he come back?" The previous monk said, "It's still early, we don't have dinner until six o'clock." Qiu Fei glanced at his watch, it was a quarter past three. Another monk said: "You can go there to find him. There is only one road leading, and you will not go on errands. Maybe you will meet him on the road." Qiu Fei thought, let's go and see the monkeys by the way, so he asked, "How long will it take to get there?" Another monk said, "Walk for forty minutes." The mountain folk carrying the sliding pole were playing cards with relish. Qiu Fei walked up to him and asked, "How much is the sliding pole?"

Without raising his head, a skinny poleman said, "Five hundred!" and threw a card, "A Q!" Qiu Fei was startled, "Five hundred?! Is it going to Beijing?" The thin man glanced at Qiu Fei and said, "Where do you want to go?" He continued playing cards. Qiu Fei said, "Monkey Zone." The thin man said: "You are not fat, but you are not thin, three hundred!" Qiu Fei said: "I went from Beijing to Chengdu. I bought a discounted ticket and it was only 300 yuan including the airport construction fee!" A fat poleman said: "It's not the same. Can flying on a plane be compared to riding on a slide pole? On the plane, you can't see anything except the stewardesses. They always hide in the workshop. The slide pole can see everything, and it's 'creaking'." , How comfortable!"

Qiu Fei said: "Is there any one that doesn't 'crunch'? I'm afraid it will break." The thin poleman said: "Sliding poles are all 'creaking'. If there is no 'creaking', they are not called sliding poles. Those that are 'clang-dang-clang-dang' are trains, and those that are 'swish' are rockets." Qiu Fei asked: "Fifty, is that okay?" The thin poleman said, "It's quite a few kilometers, at least one hundred for one person." Qiu Fei asked, "How long will it take to carry it there?" The fat man said, "Twenty minutes."

Qiu Fei asked: "Just now the monk in the temple said that it takes forty minutes to walk, and I weigh one hundred and forty catties. Why is it so short for you to carry me?" The fat poleman said: "If you spend money, we have to save time for you. We go with you, not at the same speed." Qiu Fei said: "Then let's go, who will carry it?" The fat man said to the thin man, "Let's go for a walk." The thin poleman put away the change on the ground, a little reluctantly. The main body of the sliding pole is two bamboos more than two meters long. A short piece of bamboo is tied at both ends for the pole bearer to shoulder. A couch is placed in the middle. When going downhill, the head is tilted back, and the feet are in the sky. When going downhill, the top of the head is folded down, and the feet are hanging on the ground. I am always worried that I may fall off.

On the way, the fat man asked Qiu Fei: "How is it? The scenery here is beautiful!" Qiu Fei said: "The mountains are all the same, except for the stones and the grass and trees, and there are also in Beijing." The thin poleman said, "But there are no sliding poles in Beijing." The fat poleman said: "When Chiang Kai-shek came to us, he sat on a sliding pole." Qiu Fei didn't know what to show off. Then, the fat man said, "It was my grandfather who carried him." Qiu Fei didn't answer, and the fat man said by himself: "After lifting my grandpa, he will become a celebrity in the village, and my grandma will marry him."

The thin man interjected, "During the Cultural Revolution, his grandfather was criticized for this incident and died." The fat man added: "So, I've only seen pictures of my grandpa." The fat man said again: "Fortunately, I know something about our family, otherwise I wouldn't know what to tell the guests when I was working. The tour guide must not know what I said." The fat poleman tirelessly introduced the anecdotes of Chiang Kai-shek in Mount Emei. After the July 7th Incident broke out, Chiang Kai-shek was also in a hurry in Mount Emei. At the gate of the monkey area, a group of polemen were playing cards and smoking cigarettes.Speaking in dialect, several wild monkeys were watching from a nearby tree. One of them had a cigarette in his mouth and was coughing while smoking.The steward put Qiu Fei down and said, "Here we are." Qiu Fei looked at the monkeys on the tree and said, "Just a few?" The fat man said: "It's all inside, these few are just addicted to cards." Qiu Fei took out one hundred yuan and handed it to the fat man, who took the money. The thin poleman said, "Another hundred." Qiu Fei was a little displeased.Said: "Didn't you agree to pay a hundred yuan, I have already given it!" The thin man said, "It's one hundred per person." Qiu Fei said, "That's right. I'm alone!" The thin poleman said, "We have two people to carry you, so you have to give one of us a hundred." Qiu Fei became anxious, "If four people carry me, I will have to spend 400 yuan. You know, I will let you carry me alone." The thin poleman said, "If you ask four people to carry it, you will pay fifty yuan each. If you ask me to carry it alone, you will give me two hundred yuan. Anyway, this trip costs two hundred yuan." The fat man added: "Two hundred is not expensive, and I will tell you the story of my grandpa!" Qiu Fei said: "It is said that bad people come out of poor mountains and evil waters. I think the mountains are clear and the water is beautiful. There are no good people!" The thin poleman said: "Your mouth is yours. You can say whatever you want, but you have to pay for it. If you don't pay for it, you don't want to leave!"Get in the middle of the road. At this time, a person stood up from the crowd of card players and said, "Forget it, don't ask for it. He is my buddy." Qiu Fei saw that it was Yang Yang, holding a handful of playing cards in his hand. Yang Yang walked up to Qiu Fei and said, "Don't take it to heart, these people are pretty good, but they lost money playing cards today." Yang Yang took Qiu Fei into the monkey area. A group of mountain people who claimed to be staff surrounded Qiu Fei and sold monkey food for three yuan a pack. They threatened Qiu Fei and said, "If you don't buy something to feed the monkeys, the monkeys will eat it." Stole your things." Yang Yang said: "Sister, this is my buddy, let's just take a look." The eldest sister said: "Your friend, it's easy to talk about." She took out a few packs of monkey food and said, "Feed it." Yang Yang took the monkey food and gave the elder sister three yuan, the elder sister said no, Yang Yang said to take it, the elder sister took the money and left. Yang Yang and Qiu Fei came to a place where there were many monkeys, and the monkeys "hula" rushed up, and Qiu Fei felt like a group of devils surrounded them. Yang Yang threw the monkey food on the ground, and the monkeys picked it up, tore open the bag, rubbed off the peanut skins, and ate them. If there was a bottle of beer next to them, they would think it was a naked man drinking from the back. Yang Yang was wearing a monk's clothes. He lost a lot of weight, but he looked strong. Qiu Fei asked, "Why are you dressed like this?" Yang Yang said: "I came out in a hurry, I didn't bring a change of clothes, so I bought a whole set in the temple." He shook his sleeves, "It's very comfortable to wear." A pack of peanuts was empty, and the monkeys ate up several packs of peanuts in two or three bites. They didn't know that this stuff was enough to feed an adult for a day. After feeding the monkey, Yang Yang said, "Let's go!" Qiu Fei said, "Where are you going?" Yang Yang said, "Eat." After leaving the monkey area, Yang Yang greeted a poleman and said, "Go back later and tell the temple that I won't go back to eat, so don't wash my rice." Currently, Yang Yang stays in the monastery for board and lodging. He pays 900 yuan a month, three meals a day, eats and lives with the monks, and pays for other hobbies by himself. Qiu Fei said: "You have changed. You used to always let people go, but now you are reliable." Yang Yang smiled faintly, "Really?" Yang Yang led Qiu Fei to a fellow villager's house. He was already very familiar with this family. The sister-in-law said, "He went down the mountain to buy vegetables." Yang Yang took out a hundred dollars, put it on the bed, and said: "Sister-in-law is tired and cooks two dishes, and a buddy came from Beijing." He introduced Qiu Fei, and Qiu Fei also followed Yang Yang to call the woman sister-in-law. When the woman was preparing, the man came back with a big bamboo basket, which contained toilet paper, meat, vegetables, beer, rice and other daily necessities. After greeting Qiu Fei, he went to the kitchen with the woman to cook. The dishes are fried and placed in the kitchen, and there are two bottles of beer on the table.Yang Yang greeted the man: "Brother, ask sister-in-law to come over and eat together." The man was very knowledgeable and said, "Let's chat, your sister-in-law and I are not hungry." Then the two of them left the kitchen. Qiu Fei opened the beer and wanted to pour it for Yang Yang. Yang Yang held the cup and said, "You drink it, I'll drink tea." Then he took out a bubble of bamboo leaf green from his pocket and put it into the cup. Qiu Fei poured the beer himself, "Have you quit drinking?" Yang Yang put on boiled water, "No, I just don't want to drink it." Qiu Fei said: "If you don't want to drink all the time, it means quitting." Yang Yang put a bowl on the teacup and said: "I just don't want to drink recently. After I got here, I started to think about some things. I think it's better to be sober." Qiu Fei raised his cup, "What are you thinking about?" Yang Yang touched it, "Think about your own mistakes." Qiu Fei said: "This word is too literal, I didn't quite understand it." Yang Yang said: "It is to carry out self-criticism in the heart. Summarize one's own mistakes." Qiu Fei said: "Damn it, you won't go to Mount Emei and become a monk. By the way, did you plan to come here a long time ago?" Qiu Fei asked Yang Yang why he came here instead of Mount Putuo or Mount Wutai.Yang Yang said, there is no reason, it is fate.On the day he decided to go out to hide, he arrived at the West Railway Station and decided that no matter where the bus was going, as long as he had a ticket, he would get on it. In the end, he got on the bus to Chengdu. It was already evening when he came out of Chengdu Railway Station the next day. Yang Yang was stopped by a woman and asked if he would go to Mount Emei to play, with food and lodging included for the day.Tickets are at your own expense, one hundred and eighty yuan, and the air-conditioned bus will depart right away.Yang Yang felt that he was so old. He had only heard about Mount Emei but hadn't been there yet. Anyway, he was looking for a place to live in Chengdu.It's better to live in Mount Emei, maybe you can learn some Emei martial arts, and you don't have to be chased by others in the future, so you got on the bus and stayed at the foot of Mount Emei that night. Early the next morning, Yang Yang went up the mountain with the tour group.Because my mind is bothered by things, I don’t have the heart to enjoy the scenery, and it’s boring to watch it on a whim.Walking to Bailong Cave, the temple is quiet, there are few tourists, and the birds are singing and the flowers are fragrant. Yang Yang subconsciously took a deep breath, just at this time the bell came from the mountain.Yang Yang felt his body suddenly floated up, as if he had taken a puff of cigarette, but his head was not dizzy, and it was a bit like he was drunk, but his feet did not stir garlic.At this moment, I forgot the existence of the world and troubles, and was extremely happy.Yang Yang immediately decided not to leave, and stayed here for a while, so he didn't go down the mountain with the tour group. Yang Yang wandered around the temple several times and kowtowed to Sakyamuni. He took the merit money and was about to leave when he saw a monk drying the quilt. Yang Yang asked casually, can you live here? The monk said yes . Qiu Fei asked Yang Yang: "Are you not used to eating meat in the temple?" Yang Yang said: "I didn't get used to it at first, and I was greedy. I asked the master if he could pay an extra 100 yuan for food and add another dish every day. The master smiled and didn't say anything, so I didn't mention it again. Later, I became greedy." Just come here, spend some money, improve it, and after a long time, you will be familiar with it." Qiu Fei asked: "Apart from thinking, what else do you do here every day?" Yang Yang said: "To exercise, I started by running. I ran up the mountain and then came down. Later, I felt that running was not interesting, so I helped them lift the sliding pole, practice strength, and give them the money I earned." Qiu Fei said, "They thought you were Lei Feng from Beijing." Yang Yang said: "At the beginning they didn't let me lift it, because they were afraid that I was plotting something wrong, so I wanted to talk about it, so they let me lift it. Later, they rushed to let me lift it, so they could take the opportunity to play cards, but I only lift it once a day. After all, I’m not here to be a steward. In the morning I read in the temple room, and in the afternoon I come out to walk in the mountains, feed the monkeys, listen to the sound of the water, and sit by the river, which helps me think.” Qiu Fei took a sip of beer and asked, "What did you come up with?" Yang Yang took a sip of tea and said, "Actually, we're pretty stupid!" "We have always been unwilling to be stupid, and we have worked hard to live for it, and live in a direction that we think is not stupid, but are we really not stupid? We used to be cynical, thought we had ideals and ambitions, and felt sad from time to time. After a while, I thought that if you love an art, you will be full of energy. Shit, where is this, and people are growing. "You and I are very tired in life. Why? Because we want to be different too much. We don't want to be vulgar. We think we are smart. In fact, this is where we lack wisdom. To be able to escape from the worldly phenomenon, this is what we do. wisdom. "We love freedom and want to do whatever we want, but when we can do whatever we want, life will feel meaningless, so I think it's good to live in restrictions. "Do you still remember the lyrics in He Yong's "Garbage Dump", 'The world we live in is a garbage dump, people are like bugs, you fight for each other in it', when I was fifteen years old listening to this song, There is only anger, and now I am not angry at all. I feel that if we want to clean up the world, we must first clean up our own heart. "Anger is a very low-level emotion, and love is a high-level emotion. It is not difficult for a person to live a lifetime of anger, just like those aunts in Beijing Hutong, who are in their fifties and sixties and still scold this and that every day. The difficulty is that there is love. live a lifetime. "Dislike of others is due to lack of self-cultivation. We should calmly face the world instead of anger. Anger can't learn anything. Calmness allows us to open our minds and accept everything. "For life, we should not complain, we should have a heart of awe, life is much bigger than we imagined. "The most important thing in life is not to own, but to let go. Learn to let go, and you will be happy in your life. The reason why we suffer and anger is because we can't let go. "Happiness does not come from having more, but from caring less. "We think we see the world clearly, but in fact, the world we know is only seen with the naked eye. To truly understand the world, we need to see it with the eyes of wisdom. Many of us have not yet opened the eyes of wisdom. "Ding Xiaole just go, I have no desire for love, and I will not fall in love or get married in the future, I am not lonely at all, because there are many things in my heart that accompany me. "There are two words in Zen: impermanence and non-self. These two words have taught me a lot. Nothing is eternal, and nothing is ours. So when happiness, youth, affection, money, these things are away from me When I went, I thought it was a normal thing. "The world has nothing to do with me, it is it, I am me, when I am willing to have a relationship with the world, it will happen, if I don't want to, I am fine alone, the world doesn't need me, and I don't need it. "The only thing I miss is my parents. It's not easy for them to raise me so big. After I go back, I will find a way to pay back the money and honor them both. "I've also figured out about the loss of the belt. It's not an option to hide here. I'll go back after a while. Anything, good or bad, you have to face it, accept it, deal with it, and let it go. "In the past few years of youth, we have been living for the hormones, not for ourselves. Now that the hormones are almost gone, it is time to live for ourselves." Yang Yang was holding a cup of tea, with clear eyes and a peaceful expression, he said unhurriedly. The moon is bright and the stars are sparse, the clouds are light and the wind is light. Qiu Fei looked at the distant night sky and said, "The moon is really round tonight." Yang Yang said: "The moon is originally round, and it is not round because our sight is blocked, just like life, which is beautiful in the first place, but we just feel that it is boring. In fact, life is not fucked at all, because we cannot pass through the obstacles." You can't see the essence of life with the fucking stuff in front of you." Before they knew it, it was almost dawn, and the two looked at the direction where the sun was rising. Qiu Fei said: "Ten years ago, when we were freshmen, we had a drink all night, and then we went to watch the sunrise on the roof of the dormitory. That was the first time we had a drink. This time you drink tea, except for restaurants. This is the first time I've seen you drinking tea." Yang Yang said: "Drinking can make you feel great joy, but the next day you will feel uncomfortable and feel great sadness. Now I pursue plainness and avoid great joy and great sorrow." Qiu Fei said: "I still like to drink. Drinking can make me think." Yang Yang said: "Alcohol can make people think, and so can tea. Thinking after drinking is painful, and thinking after tea can teach people to get rid of pain." Qiu Fei said: "You have changed. Ten years ago, I would never have imagined that the two of us would sit here and talk about these things today." Yang Yang said: "I have not changed, I am still me, what has changed is my heart." Qiu Fei said: "Zhou Zhou and I have known each other for ten years. I didn't expect this kind of result." Yang Yang said: "Face it, accept it, deal with it, let it go." After watching the sunrise, the two returned to Bailong Cave, the temple door was open, a monk was sweeping the floor, cigarettes were smoking from the incense burner, the bell rang from the back of the temple, Yang Yang took Qiu Fei to his room. The room was only a dozen square meters, and there were three beds, which looked crowded. The bedding was neat and the sheets were clean.Yang Yang said: "Now I live alone, and sometimes people who come to Mount Emei stay overnight here." There are four words on the wall, pasted in different places, forming a horizontal line: harmony, tranquility, clearness, and silence. There is a small table by the window, with several Zen books on it.Yang Yang said, "I watched it recently." Qiu Fei lived in the temple for two days, drank tea and chatted with Yang Yang, felt much more relaxed physically and mentally, and wanted to stay for a few more days, but the second child called to urge the script, and he did not forget Zhou Zhou's matter, so he After returning to Beijing, I plan to finish this period of work and come here for a long time with living expenses. Yang Yang said that he still had a few books that he hadn't read, and he would go back to Beijing after finishing reading to solve the things that should be solved. After returning to Beijing, Qiu Fei went to find Zhou Zhou again, but he still didn't see anyone. In the past two weeks, Qiu Fei has lost a lot of weight.After graduation, due to lack of exercise, my waist became thicker, and my belt kept loosening. Now I am haggard because of Yixiao, and I have returned to the eyes I had when I was in college. Every three or two days, Qiu Fei would call Zhou Zhou, but Zhou Zhou kept shutting down, and the mobile secretary asked, "Is there anything you want to convey, I will send a text message to the owner." Qiu Fei said, "I love you." The little secretary said, "I'm working." Qiu Fei said: "Help me convey that I love you." A few days later, Qiu Fei received a text message from Zhou Zhou: You are an eagle, you should fly, not a kite eagle with a string in my hand. Qiu Fei immediately called Zhou Zhou, and the little secretary answered again, asking, "Is there anything you want to convey?" Qiu Fei said, "I want to fly with you." The little secretary said, "It's not time to get off work yet." Qiu Fei said, "I didn't tell you." Ding Xiaole persuaded Zhou Zhou, but Zhou Zhou refused to listen, telling Ding Xiaole not to get involved in their affairs. After persuading Zhou Zhou, Ding Xiaole persuaded Qiu Fei again, saying that Zhou Zhou had given up, and it was useless for Qiu Fei to be in a hurry. It was like eating hot pot. He was in a hurry to let the pot open. The slower it is, wait honestly, the pot will open naturally. Qiu Fei said: "I understand the truth, but I'm so hungry, I can't wait any longer." Qiu Fei recalled every little thing he had with Zhou Zhou.I feel like my heart is beating hard every day.The so-called worry may be contained in the heart, or why it is so heavy. The computer is full of Zhou Zhou's data, the webpages she saved, the movies she downloaded, the MP3s she listened to, the photos she copied, and the bubble shooter she played.There is also a poem written by Qiu Fei to her: "Ear Picking" i sit up straight Tilt your head This upward ear is facing you being grabbed by you you are doing something pick my ears I hold my hand Meet every piece of earwax you take out I know you take it out something in my hand not earwax but your heart Looking at these things, Qiu Fei thought, history is not the five thousand years in the book, but listening to the music of the past, looking at the photos of the past, and shedding tears. When he really missed Zhou Zhou, Qiu Fei would send her a text message, no matter whether he received a reply or not: It was so dark, the wind was so strong, and I was so cold. I did 80 push-ups and 120 sit-ups. I wanted to fall asleep while I was tired, but I was not sleepy at all. My mind and eyes were all about you, and I dared not lie on the bed alone and think about it.Turn on the TV and see it's three o'clock in the morning.When I saw it, there was only direct TV sales, and there was a man shouting hoarsely in each channel, selling jewelry, watches, and medicine.If only I was this energetic when I went to college for the retest of the final exam, how much can I save the make-up exam fee? It will be dawn in a while, and I wondered whether I should go to Tiananmen Square to see the flag raising. Anyway, I am idle, I can’t do anything, so I might as well love the country. Maybe I will go to bed when I am tired. caught. Sino-Japanese relations.It should be resolved through dialogue and consultation.The conflict between the two countries is so acute that it can be resolved.Why can't you and me? Our theme is the same as that of the world, peace and development.And we have to add one more: happiness, happiness. I don't like to make promises to others, and I'm afraid I won't be able to fulfill them, so I haven't made promises to you. But there is nothing I can't fulfill the promise I made, and now I make a promise to you: to make you the happiest woman in the world. Give me another chance, I haven't given you a good day yet. Soon, Zhou Zhou finally replied: It’s not that I don’t give you a chance, in fact, I also long for a chance to get back together with you, but we have no reason to break the mirror and reunite, a mirror, broken, glued, broken again, glued again, broken many times , Do you think it makes sense to stick again?Even if it can be glued, it will no longer be a mirror, but a glass product full of cracks. I know you better than you can imagine. When you were in college, you were depressed and went running every day. I know these things. In your heart, you are a person who pursues progress. I shouldn't stop you, or change you. I will always bless you. In addition, don't forget that we have checked, if it is not suitable, we should stop entanglement, we are too tired for each other. Say a little more, I discovered your new problem, possessiveness.You strongly want to save, not for the good of two people, but because you don’t want to lose, just like you don’t want to lose something, and love is not possessive. Qiu Fei looked at Zhou Zhou's text message and thought for a day, maybe it was what she said. Zhang Chaofan is getting married, so he asked Ma Jie to be his best man, Yang Yang also came back, and made an appointment with Qiu Fei to meet at the school gate first, and then go to the wedding together. The sky was gray and autumnal, and the sun was withered and yellow, like the yolk of an unmarinated salted egg. Yang Yang lit a cigarette and stood waiting for Qiu Fei at the school gate. The restaurant where I used to drink has become a pharmacy. I don’t know what the school thinks. After all, there are more students who eat or take medicine. This time the cleaners are happy. They don’t have to clean up the filth that the students vomited at the school gate every morning. . A TV is hung on the roof of the pharmacy, playing drug advertisements, and passers-by glance in from time to time. It was the break at ten o'clock, and the school's loudspeaker played a program produced by the school's radio station. The campus karaoke station cost five yuan a song. The sweet voice of the student announcer floated on the campus: "Building 2 A certain dormitory of the Environmental Engineering Department ordered a song "About the Present, About the Future" by Lao Lang for a certain classmate in the same room, and wished her a happy birthday, flowers are similar every year, and people are different every year..." Yang Yang was smoking a cigarette, listening to Lao Lang's song, and suddenly fell to the ground. A concrete utility pole weighed on him. Line maintenance in the community next to the school.A worker pulled the cable and pulled down the electric pole at the gate of the school, just as Yang Yang was standing under the electric pole. Yang Yang opened his eyes and lay peacefully on the ground with a piece of telephone pole on his body. The band-aid advertisement shot by Ding Xiaole was playing on the TV in the pharmacy. She looked at Yang Yang on the ground with a bright smile, held up a piece of band-aid and said, "XXX band-aid, take care of your health safely." The old wolf's singing came from the school's loudspeaker: You always have careful arrangements for the future However, the plot is always tampered with by reality About now you are always hesitant and helpless Let the years leave sadly and haggardly unexpected everything becomes pale The spring you plan has the color of a fairy tale never came The fishing net you cast is swaying in happiness but never get it back you never understand ten thousand beautiful futures not worthy of a warm present you never understand every real present It used to be your fantasy future Zhang Chaofan couldn't wait for Qiu Fei and Yang Yang to come, and the wedding started as planned. The shy Zhang Chaofan said softly to his wife in front of everyone: "I love you!" There was a round of applause from the audience. In 1995, Zhang Chaofan was admitted to the city's key high school from the district's key junior high school. It is his dream to be admitted to Tsinghua University and become Yang Zhenning of the 21st century.For three years in high school, I left early and returned late. No matter what I did, I always held a book in my hand. The adults all said that this child will definitely have a bright future.But on the eve of the college entrance examination, because he ate watermelon to dispel the heat, he suffered from diarrhea for three days, became severely dehydrated, and lost a lot of points. As a result, Tsinghua University became Beijing X University.Since then, Zhang Chaofan no longer eats watermelon. In 1998, Zhang Chaofan came to the university to register in frustration, vowing to be a camel among sheep and a phoenix among chicken coops.For four years, he was basically the first in his class, and the number of scholarships he received almost caught up with the average salary in Beijing.After graduating from university, he went to a military enterprise to develop missiles and rockets. He will become a senior intellectual of the motherland in the future, contribute to the transformation of the four modernizations into a powerful country, and wait for the reception of the country's leaders. Year 2009.Eighty-six-year-old Yang Zhenning has been married for four years, and thirty-year-old Zhang Chaofan has also decided to start his first marriage. When it was class time, the broadcast stopped and the campus returned to tranquility. Yang Yang was carried into the ambulance, his heartbeat was almost zero, and Qiu Fei sat inside to accompany him. The ambulances flashed blue lights, whistled and blared, whistling past, piercing the tranquility of the campus. Sent to the hospital.Yang Yang has stopped breathing.His parents came.Crying heart-piercingly, the voice lingered in the corridor of the hospital for a long time. Qiu Fei stood under the no-smoking sign at the stairs.He lit a cigarette and took a deep breath. A figure downstairs flashed past Qiu Fei's eyes, it was Zhou Zhou, and he left the building door in a blink of an eye. Downstairs is the gynecology department.Qiu Fei asked the doctor: "Did a girl named Zhou Zhou come here just now?" The doctor said, "Yes, she just left." Qiu Fei asked: "What illness did she come to see?" The doctor said, "Who are you?" Qiu Fei said, "Boyfriend." The doctor said: "She is pregnant and wants to keep this child. Congratulations, you are going to be a father." Qiu Fei said, "Father may not be me." At the farewell ceremony for Yang Yang's body, Ding Xiaole came, crying bitterly, with snot and tears all over his face. Ding Xiaole hugged Yang Yang and said: "I didn't get along with others, I just wanted to get along with you. I didn't go home for a few days because I was filming. I paid back the money for you after filming. I already paid 30,000 for you. Earn another 1.97 million and pay it off; I didn’t go with others, he came to pick me up that day, I moved to live in another place, the rent is cheap, in order to save the cost of renting a car, I asked him to help I'm pulling something, do you hear me, don't ignore me..." There was a tear hanging from the corner of Yang Yang's eye, I wonder if it was Ding Xiaole's tear falling there. The boss also came, looked at Yang Yang, sighed, and said, "Don't say anything, pull it down!" While waiting to bury Yang Yang's ashes, Ding Xiaole said to Qiu Fei with red and swollen eyes: "It's all my fault, if I don't call Yang Yang, nothing will happen to Yang Yang, and nothing will happen to Yang Yang, and Zhou Zhou will not break up with you." .” Qiu Fei said: "It's not your fault, Yang Yang said that everything is impermanent." Ding Xiaole said: "I saw Zhou Zhou at the gate of the hospital that day, and she was pregnant." Qiu Fei said, "I know." Ding Xiaole cried and said: "She said that the child is yours, so I must not tell you." Yang Yang's mother came to Qiu Fei with Yang Yang's ashes in her arms, handed him a notebook and said, "I found this when sorting out Yang Yang's belongings. It's his college diary. You are mentioned in it, so keep it for you!" Qiu Fei took it bitterly. Yang Yang's mother said: "I always thought that Yang Yang was a heartless child, but now I realize that he has been in so much pain." After leaving the Babaoshan Crematorium, Qiu Fei took the subway home alone. In the subway, he opened Yang Yang's diary. Sunny Sunday, September 5, 1999 School has started, sophomore year. In my freshman year, I took a total of five subjects, namely Advanced Mathematics (Part 1 and Part 2), General Physics (Part 1), English Level 2, and Theoretical Mechanics (Part 2). He Puwu (Part 1) did not pass the make-up exam. There are three chances to make up the exam, and there are two left, so I will wait until next year. This year, Qiu Fei and I drank more than 300 bottles of beer, almost one bottle a day, and it was all money! This year, I wrote four songs, and only half of them are satisfactory, damn it. The new semester has begun, and I can't hang around anymore. Sunny Monday, September 6, 1999 On the first day of class, the weather was exceptionally good, which was a good sign. Get up at 7:30, go to the bathroom, wash your face, brush your teeth, and comb your hair for 20 minutes, and sit in the classroom at 7:55. At 8:05, I walked out of the teaching building. It's not that I don't want to take the class, it's that the school arranges this kind of class for a purpose, "Electrical Technology".Listening to it makes me dizzy. The teacher's surname is Jiao. When he introduced himself, he didn't say what his surname was. He just wrote "Jiao" on the blackboard and said, "This is my surname." It appears to have been hit before. After Mr. Jiao finished calling the roll, I withdrew and went back to the dormitory to sleep. Sunny Friday, September 10, 1999 A week of inaction is coming to an end. At 7:50 in the morning, I lay in bed watching Zhang Chaofan and others leave the dormitory, then closed my eyes and went back to sleep. At 9:10, I got out of bed to pee and saw that Qiu Fei was asleep on the lower bunk. After urinating, I woke Qiu Fei up and asked him if he was going to the third or fourth class, he said of course he did, it was physical education class. In the afternoon is English class, I went to it.I didn't sleep in class because I was late, so I could only sit in the first row under the eyes of the teacher. The teacher wore a black, white, gray and red checkered sweater with a white turtleneck jersey exposed at the neckline. The color matching was gorgeous yet innocent. The tight-fitting sweater outlined her body curves beautifully.So when she took off her coat and presented these before our eyes, I heard the boy behind me spitting.Another said: "Fuck, that's great!" How can you fall asleep in this environment. If the teacher wears it like this every day, it is estimated that no one will be absent from this class, at least the boys are like this.It's just around the corner for everyone to pass the fourth grade. Cloudy Thursday, October 14, 1999 Very annoying.I do not know why. In the afternoon, I had a fight with my classmates in the dormitory next door, and I felt better after the fight. 起因是我正睡午觉呢，丫在楼道喊人打拖拉机，一缺三。这本身没有问题，问题是他喊了半个小时了，还一缺三，说明这会儿没人愿意打牌，可丫还没完没了，喊得我这叫一个烦。我跳下床。到了楼道。说你丫别喊了。他说我喊怎么了，碍你事儿了？我说碍了。然后也不知怎么着就和他掐起来了，他没我高，比我瘦，所以打完我心情舒畅了些。 最近不知道为什么我变得凶残，往往因为一点儿小事儿就大打出手，每次我都竭尽全力地殴打我的同学，唯恐他们受不到严重的伤害。与我交手的同学已有四人，不知道谁是第五个。 1999年10月24日星期日雨 一首歌： 城市又迎来雨后的夜晚 树在风中摇曳 你在雨中凝视着黑夜 路面倒映着你身影的美丽 你的明天究竟在何方 难道依然总在风雨中漂泊 日复一日的幻想没能给你绚丽的光芒 阳光照耀不出你身上斑斓的色彩 你渴望在高处飞翔 你喜欢衣襟迎风飘扬 你多么希望爱人永远能够伴你左右 那是你一天中最幸福的时候 每当看到她的笑颜你就不再寂寞 这时候天空已经变成蔚蓝色 你想要一个关于未来的承诺 可你依然不知道明天是什么 1999年11月3日星期三多云 a dream. 梦见我病了，去教室上课，一上楼发现没带高考准考证，搜遍全身，最后在裤子兜里找到。走在楼梯上很亲切，是高中的教学楼，上到三楼一拐弯就是高三时上课的教室。我在门口徘徊，伸着脑袋窥探，一个女生冲我喊：“进来吧，没错，就这儿！”她是高中三年一直坐我后面的李蔷，我曾经时常拿她取笑，她也没跟我翻过脸。 我走过去，刚要坐下，屁股即将接触椅子时，整个身体却突然向后倒去，人仰马翻，我倒在地上，很虚弱，想努力站起来却总失败。过来两个男生要扶我，问我：“病好点儿了没有？”李蔷却说：“你俩别理他，都是装的，打在门口探头探脑我就觉得他是装的！”我自己从地上爬起来，看了一眼李蔷，便坐在她右排的位子上。 语文老师进来了，梳着小辫，面颊消瘦，我隐约觉得她就是高中教我们语文的王大胖子，一张嘴说话，果然是她。 这节课讲解高考语文试卷，从我这排的第一个同学起，每人讲一道题。一个女生不停地小声向我传递着什么，我听不清楚，也看不清她的脸，所以没理会。她把桌子搬过来了。坐在我旁边，我这才认出来，她是我小学同学方芳，那时候歌唱得特好，是文艺委员。 此时已经该我前面的同学发言了，我赶忙准备我要说的那道题，可我的卷子只有题目，没有答案。这时我才意识到方芳向我传递的正是那道题的答案。我刚要让她再重复一遍，老师已经叫到我的名字了，我站起来，为了拖延时间，我磕磕绊绊地读了一遍题目，下面是两行方格，是要填写的内容，未等我回答，王大胖子就替我念出答案，并对我带病上课予以表扬。现在的王大胖子，上课有“操、操”的口头禅。 坐下后，我觉得同学都在鄙视我，对我爱答不理，唯独坐在我身边的方芳对我关爱有加，同我聊天，无微不至。只有她理解我。我握住她的手，她的手汗涔涔的。方芳不好意思地低下头，嘴角上扬，微笑，一层红晕浮在腮旁。还是短短的头发，圆圆的眼睛，模样较小学未发生多大变化，依然可爱。 我深深地爱上她了，掰开她的掌心，给她看手相，她靠在我的肩头，万分温存，无比浪漫。我感受到前所未有的幸福。我紧搂着方芳。怕幸福逃脱。这时我看见赵爽的桌子里放着几张照片，是她穿着婚纱和一个穿西服的小伙子照的。我问方芳结婚了吗。她点点头，我一难受，醒了。 1999年11月16日星期二雨 开学两个多月了，回首这两个多月里自己干了什么，无奈油然而生。 若用小时计算，六十多天里，我睡觉超过六百个小时，吃饭六十个小时，喝酒五十个小时，学习不足二十小时。 依然过着有理想没行动的日子。 我也渴望并力图改变现状，可是就像上了毒瘾，怎么改也改不掉。 白天对许多人来说是短暂的，但对我来说却过于漫长。我并不愿虚度光阴，但除了虚度，我还能在光阴里干什么呢？ 1999年11月19日星期五晴 下午乐队去一个酒吧试演，第二首歌还没唱完，就被叫停了，说太次。 确实挺次的，我也这么觉得。包括我在内，技术都够烂的，以后不能再瞎玩了。 回学校的路上，大家都很郁闷，我不停地唱着跑调的歌，每唱一句，我们就相视笑一下，跟着一起唱，一起跑调。 我们的青春，也是跑了调的。 1999年12月8日星期三晴 早上，我在被窝里度过了考验意志的三十秒。 起，还是不起，这是个问题。 最后，我还是选择了不起。选择起，太需要勇气了。 我没有为自己的又一次不去上课而自责，还是被窝里温暖啊，如果一直躺下去，考试的时候还能顺利通过，那就更温暖了。 1999年12月13日星期一阴 昨晚喝多了，和邱飞喝了十四瓶啤酒，要不是因为没钱了，喝得更多。 所以今天我又没去上课。 现在我的头有点儿疼，但这不是我没去上课的主要原因，即使不疼，我也不会去上课，因为我醒了的时候，已经快下课了。 我好像有点儿发烧。 世界是冰冷的，我是滚烫的。感觉身体在燃烧，全身已经变成暗红色，蒸气袅袅升起，周围的空气在沸腾，我的每一个毛孔都在扩张，释放着热量。 好像昨晚喝完酒，我俩还去操场跑步，操场锁着门，我们跳进去，被几个小保安逮到，押送到保卫处。值班的保安头好像要睡觉，也没处理我俩，就让我们回去了。回宿舍的路上，我们在教学楼门口撒了一泡尿，天上的星星和两旁的大树都看见了。 躺到床上，我睡不着，看着窗外的月亮，它可真美。我看着它，它看着我，向我微笑，关怀着我。看完月亮，我戴上耳机，听着许巍入睡。 “总在每个深夜，听见你在哭泣，你曾向往美丽，我却没能给你……” 真他妈的棒！ 2000年3月8日星期三晴 新学期又开始了，我都不知道上个学期是怎么过完的。 今天是三月八号，祝天下的我妈、我未来的媳妇和普天下的女同胞节日快乐！ 我的水杯丢了，昨天晚上去图书馆看了会儿书，忘带回来了，今天再去已经没了。 这回我再也找不到看书的理由了。 之前，是为了多喝点儿水——我爸给我从家拿了不少茶叶，我才带着水杯去图书馆的，现在杯子没了，我也不用去图书馆了。 有时候我很内疚，觉得天天这么混，对不起父母。他们给我交学费，还给我拿茶叶，是让我来学知识的，可我都干了些什么？他们要知道我这样，肯定会伤心的，所以，不能让他们知道。 2000年5月16日星期二晴 一把手电 照不到很远的地方 但它却能 照亮眼前的地方 一个朋友 不能陪伴永久 但他却能 跟你聊天喝酒 折腾一宿 昨晚我又和邱飞喝多了，他本来答应今天早上和周舟一起吃早饭的，结果我都起来了，他还在下铺睡着呢，他再不起来，中午饭都赶不上了。可怜的周舟。 2000年7月12日星期三晴 考试就是打仗，我就是战士。 考试期间。每天晚上我都怀着做一番大事的心情去教室通宵战斗。现在，战斗结束了，我还活着。 只挂了一门，基本完成任务，半年后，将有更激烈的战斗。 2000年9月9日星期六晴 又开学了，没焕然一新，还是倍感压抑。不想面对，又不能逃避，怎么办？ 生活越发索然无味。 都说秋高气爽，怎么我就觉得不爽呢？ 我在为什么生活？ 2000年9月13日星期三雨 昨晚又梦到方芳了。 她依旧是小学的模样、性格，甚至她还穿着小学时的那身衣服。开始我还有点儿嘲笑她，后来却感觉越发亲切。 方芳喜欢唱歌，这是我对所有小学同学的唯一记忆，或许我曾经真的喜欢过她？那时我才几岁啊，七岁。还是九岁？ 好像是喜欢过，那时候我只希望和她坐在一起，听她唱歌，听她说话，即便连拉手都没想过，是不是也早熟了点儿呢？ 2001年1月1日星期一阴 新世纪就这么来了，悄无声息。来了又能怎样呢。 原来政治书里总说“人均国民生产总值下世纪中叶达到中等发达国家水平”。这回该改成“本世纪中叶了”。 我从上世纪活到了这个世纪，肯定活不到下个世纪了。 窗外刮着让人心灰意冷的寒风。气温骤降。在这个被流传得有意义的一天里，我待在屋里，继续思索。 人活着，如果没有理想。真是一件幸福的事情。 伤感、抑郁、绝望、悲哀、苦闷、哀愁，这些都是人类用来形容自己内心的词汇，而当说到一头猪的时候，却可以用没心没肺来形容，说到一只猫可以用单纯可爱来形容。由此可以看出，地球上最痛苦的生物莫过于人类，我常陷入痛苦中不能自拔。 2001年1月4日星期四晴 幻想的火花燃烧着，没有方向的眼睛寻找着，希望泯灭又重生。吃饭、睡觉、拉屎不停地循环着。生活的琐事缠绕着。风吹过城市，卷起风沙。吹在脸上。 天空一片死灰，树木枯萎，街道肮脏。 又莫名其妙地烦躁起来，真操蛋，像有什么压抑在心头，沉重，透不过来气，真想撞得头破血流。 我拒绝平庸地活着，我的梦想要在这个城市生长，可怎么也张不开翅膀。 明天又要考试了，又一学期过去了，真快啊，我都干什么了。 2001年1月14日星期日晴 考完试了，折了一门，比预想的好。 校园空了，都迫不及待地回家了，兴高采烈地，我也回家了，可我怎么就不高兴呢，我怎么什么时候都快乐不起来呢？ 我被忧伤腐蚀着，心情日益恶劣，无法收拾。 2001年2月7日星期三雪 一场大雪把北京装点得纯净，新年有了新气象。老子教导着儿子新年要有新气象，青年们换了新恋人，上班族找到了新工作，公共汽车粉刷了新油漆，小区里开设了新超市，而我还那操行，过两天又该回学校补考报名了。 2001年2月9日星期五雪 四级的分出来了，又没过，没什么可遗憾的。 没有人会一个月只背一百个单词再忘掉八十个，然后依然抱着四级必过的心态去考试。 2001年2月10日星期六晴 阳光明媚的早晨，我疲倦地醒来，不情愿地坐在补课班的教室里，与一群目光呆滞、神情恍惚的男生接受补考辅导。 教室四周陈列着各种冰冷的机械模型，它们一动不动地摆放在那里，被一届届的学生欣赏，同时也欣赏着一届届学生的悲喜。 窗外的楼群挡住了阳光，白炽灯散发的光芒无法照亮我的知识盲点，老师有意流露出的考题，也无法让我轻松，补考过了又能怎样呢，我的青春为什么这么没劲？ 我是第二次补考这门课了，对于补考我并非乐此不疲，而是没有办法。 明天，就该补考报名了，这是学校的一大盛会。届时各路英雄将云集在此。入校以来，每逢该盛会，我是必参加的，也算元老级的人物了，我相信，凭现在的校风，此盛况将一届一届延续下去。 2001年2月19日星期一晴 开学了。 这句话已经出现过多次了，这说明我意识到新学期要改过自新。我也改变了，然而我总是在开始不久——顶多三天，便原形毕露。我觉得还是真实点儿好。 现在，我坐在教室里，老师在上面讲课，我在下面憧憬自己的未来。本想忆苦思甜，结果光想到了苦，想不起甜。我悲伤着自己一塌糊涂的考试成绩，郁闷着自己无奈的青春。 新课本摆在桌上。里面装着我永远学不懂的知识，发我书干吗啊，浪费！ 头两天的补考还是没过，这已经是我第二次补考了，还剩最后一次机会。明年，在我毕业前夕，我将同比我小两届的孩子们一同出现在考场上。如果他们知道我的身份，会不会崇拜我呢？ damn it.这课上得有什么意义，没有脑子，没有笔记，就一个空荡的身体在这坐着。想睡觉想拉屎想下课想他妈快点儿毕业。 我在颓丧中可以重生，我在寂寞中可以成长，我在睡眠中可以发育，我在上课时可以看小说，我在考试时可以作弊，我在不及格时可以郁闷，我在郁闷后可以补考。 2001年2月21日星期三晴 又一首歌： 我看见那个遥远的地方 阳光中充满无尽的幻想 从忧伤到希望 幸福就是你温暖的目光 忘记那些无用的悲伤 让孤独迷失在身后 曙光正悄悄绽放 大地洒下一片阳光 尽管我依然在流浪 没人能够阻止我尽情欢畅 我要向理想出发张开翅膀 那里弥漫着花的芬芳 那里洋溢着鸟儿的歌唱 不必在意路上青春的忧伤 2001年3月15日星期四晴 多日的大风，吹干净了城市，天空湛蓝。我没想到天空能这么蓝。其实。它本该就是这样儿。 久未动笔，并不是我不想写。而是要写的东西太多了，我的思绪繁乱，无从下手。 今天下手，是因为实在找不到更合适的事情干了。 我终于知道性欲能带来什么了，若不解决，就压抑身体，于是一拨人开始抽烟喝酒，一拨人开始努力学习。 2001年3月19日星期一晴 昨天我在街上好像看见方芳了，擦肩而过，应该是她。 她的变化让我震惊。 原来光滑如镜的脸上有了雀斑，目光不再那么明亮了，似乎也不像以前那么快乐了，撅着嘴，蹦着脸，一点儿都不可爱了。 但她的身材还是娇小的，气质还是独特的。 当她从我面前走过时，我转过头一直目送了她很远，没有叫她，我觉得这样挺好的，不知道她现在还唱不唱歌，看着她的背影，我为她唱了一首歌：我是一个粉刷匠，粉刷本领强，我要把那新房子刷得白又亮，刷完房顶又刷墙，刷子飞舞忙，我要把那新房子刷得很漂亮…… 2001年3月21日星期三晴 阳光明媚的早晨，模糊的意识里潜藏着疲倦与悲伤，我躺在床上继续忧伤。室友们都去上课了，在教室里接受高等教育，我在宿舍自我教育。同样一个早晨，在我们身上发生着不同的事情。 我替自己一声叹息，叹息失败的生活，叹息不曾凋零但依然不会开放的理想，叹息年少痴狂，叹息青春蹉跎，唉！ 春天突如其来，我毫无防备。柳树发芽了，杨树长满毛毛虫似的东西，地上出现了一层绿色，白色的玉兰花骨朵儿含羞待放，桃花不甘示弱地展示着它粉红色的妖艳。 又是一年春来到，生活会发生改变吗？ 2001年3月23日星期五晴 现在，北京时间八点二十分，我坐在偌大的教室里，空空荡荡，同学们都在忙于睡觉和自己的事情，这种本系的专业课上不上无所谓，别人都不上的课我愿意上。 站在讲台上