Chapter 17 Chapter 16 Youth is a Hasty Book

When the phone rang, Mu Xin had just fallen asleep. She was in a drowsy sleep. When she heard the ringing, she thought it was too loud, so she pulled the quilt over her head to cover her ears. into a ball. Zhu Hangsheng reached for the phone, glanced at it, and handed it to Mu Xin: "Your." Mu Xin didn't even have the strength to raise her eyelids, so she groaned, "Who is it?" Chu Hangsheng looked at the screen carefully again: "Hao Huinan." "What's the matter with her, turn off the phone, she's so sleepy..." Mu Xin stretched out her hand and burned two fists on Chu Hangsheng's chest irritably, "You really hate me, I slept well."

"It's not that I forgot to turn off the phone." Chu Hangsheng turned off the phone, muttered, lowered his head and kissed Mu Xin's shoulder exposed outside the quilt, and covered her with the quilt, but she kicked her twice. I was complained again: "I hate it, I don't even have the energy to turn over." Chu Hang smiled silently, hugged Mu Xin in his arms again, and fell into a deep sleep. Originally, this was just a small episode - if nothing happened in the world, no one would remember this episode.However, this episode, after all, became a thorn in Mu Xi's heart for a long time afterwards.

Waking up the next morning, Mu Xin yawned and turned on the phone with heavy eyelids.It's just that I didn't expect that countless text messages flooded in as soon as I turned it on: the mobile full-time reminder. In the night just passed, Hao Huinan called Mu Xin's mobile phone 13 times and left four messages. The first one is: Is the phone dead? Article 2: Call back quickly. Article 3: I have something urgent, where are you? Article 4: Fuck you, have you fallen asleep?After seeing the text message, go to the emergency room of the People's Hospital! The last line almost made Mu Xin gasp in shock, she woke up all of a sudden, hurriedly called back, and after two or three rings, she heard Hao Huinan's anxious voice: "Why did you answer the phone!"

Mu Xin was also anxious: "I'm sorry, I really fell asleep, where are you, are you okay?" Unexpectedly, Hao Huinan's voice suddenly fell, and the heaviness in the words made Mu Xin's heart sink: "I'm fine, it's Zhang Le... and Yang Qian, who was injured in a case, can you come over now?" ?” Mu Xin suffocated: "What happened to them?" "I didn't understand on the phone, is it convenient for you to come over now?" Hao Huinan tried to keep her tone steady, "Come here first, I'll wait for you at the gate." After she finished speaking, she hung up the phone. Mu Xi was stunned for two seconds, then jumped up suddenly, grabbed his coat and rushed out the door.

Chu Hangsheng hurried out of the kitchen and grabbed her in surprise: "Where are you going?" Mu Xin looked back with a pale face: "Zhang Le, and Yang Qian were injured in the case and are now in the hospital...I have to go and see." Chu Hangsheng was also taken aback, but he quickly came back to his senses, turned around and took the car keys: "Let's go, I'll see you off!" Speeding all the way. Because it was the weekend, the viaduct and the outer ring road were unimpeded, and it took the two of them less than twenty minutes to arrive at Xiushan People's Hospital.Mu Xin jumped out of the car, rushed into the building without even closing the door, bumped into Hao Huinan who came to pick her up, and was stopped.

"Mu Xi, listen to me, I know you're not a cruel person, I know you don't want Yang Qian to get hurt, but you have to be calm, you have to be calm, you know?" Hao Huinan tightly grabbed Mu Xi's arm and stared at him. Looking into her eyes, "You and Yang Qian are divorced, right? Everyone in the Public Security Bureau knows, so you must stay calm, can you do it?" "What's wrong with him?" Mu Xi's hand started to tremble a little, she held Hao Huinan's hand behind her back, her palm covered with cold sweat, "What's wrong with Yang Qian?"

Hao Huinan couldn't bear to look at her, swallowed what she wanted to say, just looked at Chu Hang's voice behind her: "Brother Chu, there are too many people above, why not...you wait here for us first? I'll call you later." Chu Hang nodded, gave Mu Xin an encouraging look, turned around and sat back in the car.Hao Huinan turned her head to look at Mu Xin, shook Mu Xin's hand vigorously, wanted to say something, but didn't know how to speak, so she turned around and said, "Come with me." Mu Xin didn't ignore Hao Huinan's slightly swollen eyelids and bloodshot eyes, but she didn't want to think of the bad, but followed Hao Huinan's footsteps closely, praying as she walked: Yang Suan, nothing will happen to you, you will definitely not something...

All the way to that door—when Mu Xin saw the corridor full of colleagues, she was stunned. Everyone was silent: they stood upright with their heads bowed, some held police caps in their hands, and some were wiping tears.In the quiet corridor, Mu Xin could only hear his own heavy footsteps.She started to shrink back, she even pulled Hao Huinan's hand back, Hao Huinan turned to look at her, but Mu Xin was horrified to find that Hao Huinan's eyes were full of tears. Mu Xin's heart sank to the bottom. The door finally opened slowly in front of Mu Xin, and Mu Xin saw Yang Qian lying there at a glance - his expression was very calm, there was no trace of blood on his face, his eyes were closed tightly, as if he was asleep.

Mu Xin walked over step by step until she reached his side and held his hand. However, she found desperately that those hands that were always warm, at this moment, had no warmth at all! Mu Xin's hands finally trembled uncontrollably, her tears fell down, hitting the quilt and pillow, she wiped her tears in a panic, wiped her hands on her clothes, and tried to Go and pat Yang Qian's face.She really wanted to wake him up, she wanted to tell Yang Qian, don't scare people, she wanted to scold him for joking regardless of time and place... But she suddenly found that she could no longer make any sound.

Her whole body trembled violently, and she tried to open her mouth to speak, but she could only gasp for breath.She tried to clear her throat, but before she could cough, the tears and heart-piercing pain suppressed her crying.She had no choice but to tightly strangle the tiger's mouth with one hand, and when the tingling pain was transmitted along the nerve endings to her only eye that still had feeling, she finally let out a suppressed cry—that cry Low and hoarse, like the whine of a trapped animal when it has nowhere to go! It was around 6pm on Friday when the tragedy happened. Mu Xin is enjoying a peaceful dinner with Chu Hangsheng.When Yang Qian and Zhang Le came back from handling the case, when they passed by Dingwa, it was Zhang Le who suggested that they stop by Ding Suhua's nephew's house to have a look.

"Isn't that kid who is speeding, robbing and murdering a recidivist? He confessed that when he served his sentence last time, he had heard about Ding Suhua's son. The word-of-mouth on the road has always been good. It’s just that I haven’t contacted him since he was released from prison,” Zhang Le pondered, “I always feel that people like this who have strong anti-reconnaissance capabilities may think that the most dangerous place is the safest place, maybe He will go to his cousin, and if he can do the work of his cousin, there may be clues." "Then go and have a look," Yang Qian turned the steering wheel, and the car drove straight to Dadingwa, "Just drop by. Anyway, I don't miss visits on weekdays, and one more is not too much." Zhang Le smiled, looked down at his watch, and joked: "It's time to get off work, you said we are so dedicated, we should apply to the director for overtime pay!" "Don't talk about it, it's good if you don't pay the money, and I still want to get the money." Yang Qian replied, stepping on the gas pedal, the car sped out, and Zhang Le could still be heard yelling "Be careful, I hit my head " It was still dark when the two arrived at Dingwa. Zhang Le found Ding Suhua's nephew's house by familiar means. It was a small courtyard that was not too new. The Spring Festival couplets at the gate were bright red. It seemed that they were newly posted during the Chinese New Year. . Zhang Le raised his hand and knocked on the door: "Is anyone at home?" no answer. Zhang Le knocked on the door again: "Ding Jianqiang, open the door, I am your Brother Zhang!" Still no answer. "Isn't you at home?" Zhang Le said while turning his head to look at Yang Qian, only to see that Yang Qian had already approached and reached out to push the door, but no one expected that the moment the door opened, several "bang bang" gunshots rang out. , Yang Qian fell down with a "plop"! Zhang Le retreated instinctively, but the sound of starting a car was already heard in the backyard. He wanted to chase after him, but Yang Qian fell at his feet.He hesitated for a second, but still ran to the backyard.During this time, the opponent fired two more shots, one of which wounded Zhang Le's shoulder.He gritted his teeth and chased after him until he saw the main features of the escaped vehicle and the vague license plate number, grabbed the phone and called the police, then ran back to the gate, carried Yang Qian into the car, and ran all the way to the hospital. However, it is still too late. The bullet hurt the vitals, and the rescue went on for a long time, but it still failed—in the last few minutes of Yang Qian's life, Zhang Le will always remember how he held Zhang Le's hand tightly and looked at him with tears in his eyes. He tried his best to squeeze out the name: "Mu Xin—" At that moment, Zhang Le's heart ached as if he had been crushed hard: that was his colleague, comrade-in-arms, brother, the person who drank mutton soup with him yesterday, and he was about to be taken away by death today!Zhang Le's tears were about to fall uncontrollably. He took out his phone and wanted to call Mu Xin, but he happened to see Hao Huinan and Yang Qian's mother rushing over.Without even thinking about it, he handed over the task of contacting Mu Xin to Hao Huinan, and turned around to help Xiao Yuhua into the house. However, until Xiao Yuhua let out the most horrific cry, until the doctor came out and announced his death in pain, Mu Xin's phone was not connected! At the corner of the silent corridor, Zhang Le with one arm hanging choked up and asked Mu Xin: "Sister Mu, why don't you answer the phone, why don't you answer the phone?" Mu Xin couldn't cry for a long time. She fell down and sat on the cold ground, covering her face with her hands, but what flew around in front of her eyes were all the imaginary expression of Yang Qian when he was dying, and the expression he made with the last strength in his life. In his voice, he said: Mu Xin, Mu Xin, Mu Xin... Big tears poured out from between her fingers. Mu Xin cried until she could hardly breathe. She didn't know how long she cried before she grabbed hold of the handrail of the stairs and stood up. Numbly opened the door of the safe passage.When I looked up, I just saw a cart passing by in the corridor; the people in the cart were covered by a white cloth, followed by Mu Xin's familiar colleagues and Xiao Yuhua who was supported by others. Mu Xin finally broke down again the moment she saw Yang Qian's body! At that moment, she didn't care about Xiao Yuhua who regarded her as an enemy, she just rushed straight to the white cloth, tightly hugged the body she was so familiar with but could no longer breathe under the white cloth, and cried loudly! That cry was shrill and desperate, it was the most unscrupulous cry in Mu Xin's life, the self-proclaimed calm, it was the last time she could hold those hands and fall into that embrace, but, Yang Qian, he again I can't feel it either... However, Xiao Yuhua didn't give her many chances to cry, because when Xiao Yuhua, who was also somewhat delirious, finally saw that the woman in front of her was Mu Xin, she completely exploded! She didn't waste a second, and rushed to Mu Xin, "slap" was just a slap!Mu Xin was stunned by the beating. She raised her head with tears in her eyes, just in time to see several colleagues pulling Xiao Yuhua back in alarm, but Xiao Yuhua screamed piteously: "You bitch, you just want him to die! You just want him to die!" Let him die! You got your wish, you finally got your wish, right! You bitch, you must die!" Her scream echoed in the quiet corridor, piercing and frightening.Mu Xin opened his mouth to say something, but Xiao Yuhua, who was already going crazy, still tried his best to break away from the pull of the people around him, rushed forward, and slapped Mu Xin again! Mu Xin started to ring in her ears, but she couldn't fight back, couldn't bear to fight back, and didn't have the strength to fight back.She just stood there quietly, tears fell one by one on the white cloth covering Yang Qian, in Xiao Yuhua's eyes, it was just the expression of injustice, and it was the conviction of Mu Xin's "viciousness" - only Seeing Xiao Yuhua take out a mobile phone with trembling hands, tremblingly pressed to the text message interface, then raised the small mobile phone screen in front of Mu Xin, fixedly stared at Mu Xin's eyes, and squeezed out words from between his teeth: "You wanted him to die, didn't you? You hate him, you hate him for divorcing you, so you send a text message and say 'go to hell'...you just want him to die, don't you?" Mu Xin was completely stunned - what "go to hell"?When did she say "die"? On the other hand, Hao Huinan, who was standing on the side, reacted quickly, hurried forward a few steps, and supported Xiao Yuhua: "Auntie, you made a mistake, it wasn't from Mu Xin, it was..." Hao Huinan couldn't continue, a remorseful expression appeared on her face, Xiao Yuhua saw it, and hated Mu Xin even more: "She didn't post it and who sent it? This is obviously her mobile phone number! This is Qianqian's relic , It can’t be fake! Do you think others can’t see it? I tell you that God will not help you, otherwise why would I see such a text message when I opened Qianqian’s phone... He just stopped on this page , I don’t know how many times I watched it. Do you think he hated you before he died? Did you not know that you were cursing him until you died, and you succeeded in cursing..." "Auntie, that really wasn't a text message from Mu Xin. It was me. I know Yang Qian very well. We were joking," Hao Huinan said while letting tears well up. She knelt on the ground with a "plop" and hugged tightly. Xiao Yuhua's leg, crying and saying, "Auntie, don't blame Mu Xin, it's all my fault, I shouldn't have said these unlucky things to Yang Qian, it's really my fault..." However, these words seemed to add fuel to the flames, but it only made Xiao Yuhua stare at Mu Xin with more fire-breathing eyes - she blamed everyone on this woman she hated the most!Thinking like this, she didn't waste a minute, she just tried her best to break free from Hao Huinan's pull, rushed to Mu Xin again, and slapped her third, fourth... and even more! At that moment, Xiao Yuhua went crazy. In her eyes, there is no more this world, no Yang Qian's body, no colleagues watching. She only sees Mu Xin standing there like a puppet, letting her beat and scold her.She felt that Mu Xin had a guilty conscience and a ghost in her heart, and she could only vent her anger for her son by defeating her...In the boundless fantasy, Xiao Yuhua felt that this might be just a dream, as long as she defeated the enemy Mu Xin, her son would surely will come back to her... As for Mu Xin, who was so obediently standing and being beaten, until the world in front of her eyes finally became pitch black, she thought: How nice, she is finally free... When she woke up again, for a moment, Mu Xin thought she was in heaven. White ceiling, white walls, white bed, white pillows and quilts—if there is only white in heaven, Yang Qian, will you be lonely? Tears rolled down instantly and fell on the white pillow, leaving a light gray mark. "Xin Xin, how are you?" Seeing Mu Xin waking up, Chu Hangsheng hurried to the bedside, "Can you see me? Are you dizzy? The doctor said you have a slight concussion." He raised the wet towel in his hand, gently wiped away the tears from the corners of Mu Xin's eyes, then covered her red and swollen cheeks, and asked while applying cold, "Is it more comfortable?" Hearing his worried and gentle inquiry, Mu Xin closed her eyes in pain - at this moment, the last thing she wanted to see was him! She knew that this was blind blaming, but she really couldn't accept him dangling in front of her eyes anymore—she would never forget that when Yang Qian's life was hanging by a thread, she and Chu Hangsheng were planning a wedding night! They were about to get a marriage certificate... And this was based on the fact that Yang Qian couldn't ask for it. He called her name aloud until he closed his eyes forever.And she, in his last call, turned off the phone without hesitation. She couldn't forgive herself at all! So, after being discharged from the hospital that day, the first thing Mu Xi did was to move out of Chu Hangsheng's house.She couldn't bear to see his sad expression, but got into Zhang Le's car without looking back, and moved into Hao Huinan's dormitory. It was also there that she could finally cry aloud, and release her regrets, grievances, and misses without restraint... and Hao Huinan would silently hand out tissue after tissue with moist eyes. With tears in her eyes, Mu Xin squeezed Hao Huinan's hand: "Nannan, I was wrong, why did I turn off the phone? Why didn't I see him for the last time? He always appears when I need him, but when he The last and last time I needed me, I wasn't there! I shouldn't have thrown away everything related to him, and now I don't even have one thing to miss him... If there is a photo, a piece he gave me How nice would it be? And... I shouldn't kill that kid, that's his last flesh and blood in this world! That must be a tiger-headed little boy who looks like him and likes to play with pistols and little ones. Cars, likes to wear daddy's police cap, likes to be a policeman while playing house..." Mu Xin cried until she couldn't speak, and Hao Huinan's tears fell drop by drop. She could only hug Mu Xin tightly and kept telling her: "It's not your fault, it's not your fault. It's me, it's me. No, it's all my fault, I shouldn't be joking..." While talking, Hao Huinan couldn't help but started to cry, the two women hugged each other and cried into a ball, the more they cried, the more Mu Xin felt that there was a ball of silk stuffed in his chest, which was so painful that he couldn't relieve it. untie.She clenched her fists as she cried, until the end she felt the tingling pain when her nails were deeply embedded in her palms, but she still couldn't relieve the lingering pain in her heart against herself! Yes, Ling Chi, if there is such a punishment that can relieve her inner guilt and allow her to repay the debts she owes, Mu Xin thought, she would rather be hacked into pieces, piercing her heart! But, so what? He can't come back. Never, never come back again... A week later, Yang Qian's memorial service was held in the city funeral home. Early that morning, many citizens who had read the relevant reports came spontaneously, and gradually the whole street in front of the funeral parlor was blocked.At around 9:00 in the morning, vehicles from the Provincial Public Security Bureau, the Municipal Public Security Bureau, and various public security sub-bureaus arrived one after another. The policemen who participated in the memorial service had neat faces and serious expressions. They stood neatly in many rows on the small square before the farewell. Because he was neither a family member of a martyr nor a member of the funeral team, Mu Xin had no chance to enter the mourning hall in advance, but could only wait in line like everyone else in the small square.Few people can imagine how much mental pressure this feeling of being rejected put on Mu Xin at this time, and even fewer people know that Mu Xin is almost unable to attend such a memorial service—the deputy leader of the funeral team is a political A deputy director surnamed Wang called Mu Xin the night before. While expressing deep condolences, he did not insinuate, suggesting that if she came to the scene, if Xiao Yuhua was irritated, would she make everyone look bad and make Yang Qian feel uncomfortable? Uneasy going?Director Wang also vaguely mentioned that Yang Qian is a hero and a martyr, and many people and students will come to see him off. If the scene is not good, the provincial government and the municipal bureau will not go around the Xiushan branch... On the other side of the phone, Mu Xin bit her lower lip tightly, letting the tears roll in her eyes, but she didn't promise not to attend the farewell ceremony until the end. How could she not participate—when she knew that Yang Qian was calling her name when he was dying, no matter what others thought, no matter how embarrassing her situation in the Xiushan branch would be in the future, she would definitely go to see Yang Qian off for the last time! In the cold wind in early spring, Mu Xin could only choke silently when recalling these. At ten o'clock in the morning, the memorial service was held as scheduled.Leaders one after another went to lay wreaths one by one. They all wore white police shirts and bowed deeply in front of Yang Qian's body in blue shirts.Mu Xin couldn't help but shed tears again. She remembered that it was only a few years ago. Yang Qian joked that if one day he could wear a white police shirt that marked his identity as a "supervisor", no matter how hard he is now It's worth it too! At that time, she still laughed at him, she said, Yang Qian, don't you plan to be admitted to the High People's Court in three years?Decided to engage in public security career so soon? Yang Qian smiled unscrupulously, and answered her: Daughter-in-law, I just want to change into a luxurious version of the clothes for you to tear. The words are still in her ears, but now, she has no chance to spit on him with a blushing face. Finally, after the farewell to the bodies of the leaders was over, and the eulogy and the documents for the martyrs were read out, the teams on the square began to enter the mourning hall one by one.Mu Xin didn't know when Zhang Le came behind her, she just walked mechanically, moving a little bit with the team in front.When she walked to the door, she almost tripped because she was too dazed, but Zhang Le hastily stretched out her uninjured arm to block her, and then help her to walk feebly.She didn't have the strength to say "thank you", and she knew that what Zhang Le wanted to stand behind her at this time was not a word of thanks. He, or Hao Huinan, and all the insiders who cared for her well, all they wanted was for her to finish the farewell ceremony strong and safely, to draw a reassuring end for herself and Yang Qian. Thinking of this, Mu Xin took a deep breath, stood at the door of the mourning hall, and raised his head bravely, but the moment he saw the portrait in the middle, he burst into tears again. That was the photo on Yang Qian's police officer's certificate, and it was also one of the few photos of him in regular uniform in spring and autumn.She remembered that he once joked about it, saying that if one day he died, this only one-inch photo in police uniform could be directly used as a portrait. At that time, she smiled and scolded him with a crow's mouth, how could she have thought that it would be a prophecy! With tears in her eyes blurred, Mu Xin walked slowly and heavily into the mourning hall step by step, bowed deeply three times in front of Yang Qian's body, and then, in the short distance of dozens of steps around his body, her tears never stopped. interrupted.She had to work very hard to see Yang Qian's final appearance vaguely through the wet mist——under the bright red flag, his face was so serene. As she walked further, Mu Xin felt that Zhang Le was gradually standing beside her. She knew that Zhang Le was trying to protect her and the face of the Xiushan Public Security Bureau—if Xiao Yuhua was punished again for seeing Mu Xin Excitement, Zhang Le will drag Mu Xin out of the mourning hall even if it is delayed, so as to prevent the situation from expanding. Thinking of this, Mu Xin bit her lips tightly, closed her eyes, clenched her fists at the moment tears welled up, raised her head suddenly, and walked towards the place where Xiao Yuhua was standing. However, to Mu Xin's surprise, Xiao Yuhua's expression was blank that day, and her eyes were completely frozen. She couldn't tell who was shaking hands with her, so until Mu Xin walked out of the mourning hall, Xiao Yuhua didn't give Mu Xin anything. Extra attention! In the past, Mu Xin would have felt grateful for this moment of peace, but today, for the first time, she felt deep pain from the bottom of her heart and could not bear it. Xiao Yuhua, she used to be the person Mu Xin hated the most in this world, but at this moment, Mu Xin couldn't help thinking: How will Xiao Yuhua live alone in the future?Who can take care of her?Who is she to rely on? She is just an ordinary woman who has lost her husband and son, how can she bear it? That day was March 29th, and Mu Xin has always remembered this day since then—this day, apart from seeing Yang Qian for the last time, was also the day of the written examination for civil servants in the province.This year, Mu Xin originally applied for the Municipal Cultural Bureau.The purpose of lowering the goal is for one hit, to go back to the urban area to reunite with Chu Hangsheng, get married, and live a peaceful life. However, she still missed the exam in the end. This absence made her understand many things. As Yang Qian once said: As a grassroots civil servant, many people come with the idea of ​​"I will definitely go up, and I will eventually leave the grassroots", but in fact, even if they were in the Studying in the metropolis has longed for a higher and broader platform, but a considerable number of people will really take root here forever and settle down at the grassroots level.The reasons for this include the restriction of the selection policy, the abandonment of repeatedly failing the rankings, the laziness of being a little rich, and the interference of various factors that cannot be determined by oneself... Gradually, the place that was once thought to be a foreign country, that is, hometown. Just like Mu Xin at this moment - when opportunities pass by again and again, when Yang Qian's death brings discouragement, and her fighting spirit, ideals, and pursuits are all gone, she seems to be burdened with A heavy cross, dreaming back at midnight, all she could think of was Yang Qian's still clear face and increasingly sad voice, as well as the child she had resolutely given up but now regretted... She couldn't help falling into insomnia. In the deep well, in many dark nights, the more I struggle, the more I can't climb out. After a few days, Mu Xin was still worried about Xiao Yuhua, and went to the rented house where he used to live alone—but the building was empty, and Xiao Yuhua had long been absent.I called the landlord, and the landlord said that since Xiao Yuhua's son died, someone had come to pick her up.When she left, she was a little confused, but the person who came to pick her up helped to accept the deposit reserved before and wrote a receipt.The person who wrote the receipt was surnamed Wang, a woman in her forties. Mu Xin suddenly thought of the Political Department of the sub-bureau, and hurriedly called again, and he heard Director Wang say: "Because Yang Qian's mother was strongly stimulated and her mind is not clear, we have to ask the comrades at Yang Qian's hometown to inquire about it." For a moment. It seems that there is an uncle in his family, right? But at the end of last year, he had a stroke and couldn’t take care of himself. There are not many other relatives, and the population is quite small. The bureau bought her way and had to send her to a nursing home." Nursing home? Mu Xin felt a throbbing pain in her heart: Xiao Yuhua, who is proud and arrogant, has a pension, a pension for her son, a deposit, and a refunded house payment. How does she have to be delirious and desperate to tolerate herself in a nursing home? Life? It wasn't until she actually saw Xiao Yuhua that Mu Xin understood what Director Wang meant. By the small flower bed downstairs in the nursing home, Mu Xin saw Xiao Yuhua who was more than ten years old at a glance.She sat there quietly, not saying a word, not knowing what she was looking at.The sweater on her body looked a little thin in early spring, but no one added clothes to her.There was an old man playing chess and chatting not far behind her. She was unmoved and just sat there like a weathered stone sculpture. Mu Xin walked over, walked behind her, opened her mouth habitually and just wanted to call "Mom", thinking about what was wrong, and changed it to "Auntie", but Xiao Yuhua didn't respond. Mu Xin thought she didn't hear, so she walked closer, walked around to her side, bent slightly, and greeted cautiously: "Auntie." Xiao Yuhua seemed to hear someone calling her just now, she turned her head mechanically, looked at Mu Xin, and asked with a dull expression: "Are you looking for me?" Mu Xin was stunned. Seeing that Mu Xin didn't speak, Xiao Yuhua narrowed his eyes and carefully looked at the person standing in front of him.She looked at it for a long time, then asked hesitantly, "Are you...Xiaoxue?" Mu Xin felt a twinge of pain in her heart—up to now, the only young woman Xiao Yuhua could remember in her heart was Zhong Xiaoxue. Mu Xin didn't answer, but just looked at Xiao Yuhua with compassion in her eyes, and saw that her face gradually became angry, and gradually a smile bloomed.She dragged Mu Xin's hand and asked her gently: "Are you here to find Qianqian?" Mu Xin's heart was sour, and she didn't know what to say anymore—even though their mother-in-law and daughter-in-law used to be tit-for-tat and hated each other, but at this moment, seeing Xiao Yuhua like this, Mu Xin felt that his hatred for her was instantly wiped out.At this moment, in front of Mu Xin is only a mother, a mother who lost her son, and lost her mind because of the overwhelming blow.At this moment, Mu Xin would rather that Xiao Yuhua still had the vicious look before, at least she still had a family and a son at that time, instead of spending the rest of her life lonely and confused in the nursing home like now. She has never been so angry with Yang Qian like at this moment—Yang Qian, it's all right if you don't want a wife, how can you even leave your own mother behind?You are a hero, you died in the line of duty, have you seen what kind of life your mother is living in heaven?Why don't you have a gun when you go to visit?Why don't you have a basic sense of self-protection?The public security system often has training camps, and the action of pushing the door and entering the room has been practiced hundreds of times. Why are you negligent? Mu Xin sniffed, but heard Xiao Yuhua sigh: "You came at an unfortunate time, Qianqian is not here. I waited for him for several days, but he never came home. He hates me...he hates me for driving his wife away , but I just don't like that woman... You said why didn't you come back early, you came back early, what a good couple you two are..." Tears welled up from Mu Xin's eyes. That day, Mu Xin left the nursing home in tears.Before leaving, I went to meet the person in charge of the nursing home. Hearing that she was a colleague of the martyr, the other party shook hands enthusiastically, and then said embarrassingly: Xiao Yuhua became demented due to strong mental stimulation, and it was difficult to take care of herself.However, there are few staff in the nursing home, so it is inevitable that they will not take good care of them. Please forgive me. The other party spoke sincerely, and Mu Xin could only nod his head to express his understanding.She went down to see Xiao Yuhua's residence under the guidance of the nurse. It was a small room with not much luggage, mostly old clothes from before.Mu Xin felt more and more uncomfortable, turned around and went out to a small supermarket not far away to buy a box of milk and a few packs of soft snacks for Xiao Yuhua, and then went back to hand them to the nurse who took care of her, explaining that it was for Xiao Yuhua's extra meals, Only then did I leave. Along the way, Mu Xin was thinking about what else to buy for Xiao Yuhua—spring clothes and socks, digestible food, nutritious supplements, an FM radio for listening to the radio... At the beginning of April, the winter jasmine flowers bloomed on both sides of the road, but Mu Xin was in a mess. She also thought of the greeting messages that Chu Hangsheng would send every day—he didn't urge her to go back, but just asked her if she was eating well and how she was doing.He also said that there are many flus in spring, so she should pay attention to adding and removing clothes so as not to get sick.Sometimes he also talked about his own preparations for a business trip, or how many days of overtime in a row, and his energy was low. During this time, he would not go to see her, and asked her to take care of herself... Occasionally Mu Xin would reply with a short message or two Most of the time, I stare at the screen of the phone in a daze, feeling that every beat of the heart can squeeze out some pain. It's not that she didn't think that when everything changed and when she calmed down, she should go back to Chu Hangsheng and give him an explanation.But looking at Xiao Yuhua's appearance now, Mu Xin felt very uncomfortable. She didn't know, would there be a day when she healed her wounds?When will it be possible to truly let my guilt, regret, and remorse pass by? Mu Xin felt that her life couldn't be described as "miserable". It was also after Mu Xin bought all kinds of daily necessities for Xiao Yuhua one after another, she received the notice to go to the city police academy to participate in the promotion training.Before leaving, she stood in front of the mirror and looked at the two silver four-pointed stars on her shoulders, and inevitably remembered the first time she saw Yang Qian in police uniform.At that time, there were also two stars like this on his shoulders. But now, when the training is over, there will be an extra star on her shoulder: a combination of three stars, the scientific name is "Superintendent 1". In fact, Mu Xin would also like to thank this training - she did not expect that after four years, she would start to stand in a military posture again, run 1500 meters, line up for class, and perform actual combat exercises... The high-intensity training made her suffer from insomnia Many times, she fell into a drowsy and tired sleep as soon as she lay down on the bed. The only obstacle was in the anti-terrorism class, when Mu Xin's team was about to enter the house to arrest the "gun-carrying gangster", Mu Xin, who was standing outside the building, turned pale instantly. At that moment, she undoubtedly thought of Yang Qian again. Numerous scenes circled in Mu Xin's mind: knocking on the door, opening the door, gunshots, Yang Qian's fall, gangsters running away...the blood all over the ground, and when he was dying, he held Zhang Le's hand tightly and tried his best Shout "Mu Xin, Mu Xin, Mu Xin..." Mu Xin was on the verge of falling.Seeing that the situation was not good, the instructor in class hurriedly found someone to help Mu Xin down and sit aside.Everyone thought she had a sudden hypoglycemia, and the enthusiastic girl reported that she was brave enough to go back to the dormitory to get candy for emergency. At this time, someone suddenly handed over a pack of desserts: "Eat this first, hurry up!" A piece of soft pastry was stuffed into Mu Xin's palm in an instant. At that time, she suddenly couldn't tell whether she had a mental disorder or hypoglycemia, but under the anxious urging of everyone, she took the pastry numbly, and stuffed it instinctively. Go into your mouth, mouthful after mouthful, until you choke. It doesn't matter even if it's hard to breathe - she just feels that those snacks are like pieces of soft sponges, blocking the sadness that is about to overflow in her heart. Finally, after more than ten minutes, when her pale face gradually recovered a little color, her sight gradually became in focus.As soon as Mu Xin raised her head, she was stunned the moment she saw the person in front of her. The other party squatted in front of her, smiled, and asked her in a calm and warm tone: "Are you okay?" "Chief Gu." Mu Xin said hello awkwardly, trying to laugh, but couldn't. Gu Qing patted Mu Xin on the shoulder, took advantage of the opportunity to sit beside her, and accompanied her to look at the students who were doing anti-terrorism training not far away, and seemed to explain to her: "I am also here to participate in the promotion training, to be promoted to the second-level police inspector .Reporting for duty today, I didn’t expect to meet you just after entering the door. Fortunately, I have some desserts for extra meals.” 穆忻努力笑一笑，一边捏紧手里剩下的半块点心，渐渐感觉到有碎屑落在草丛里，手上沾满了油渍，黏糊糊的并不好受，却又奇怪的不想松手。 谷清侧头看看穆忻，终于忍不住叹口气，过会儿才说：“其实，每次看见你，我都觉得好像看见了年轻时的那个自己。” 穆忻愣愣地看着谷清，但谷清只是看着远处，好像自言自语：“那时候，我也是有想法，有干劲，觉得未来有无数可能。可是等到真的来了这儿，才发现想象和现实完全不是一回事。也不是没想过要离开，可那时候机会不好等，后来结婚了，也就不想等了。” 她扭头看看穆忻，笑一笑：“其实人总是要长大得，结了婚，有了孩子，心性都会变。好像我年轻的时候也是很洒脱，很张扬的，和男生女生打成一片，人缘好，够活跃。前几年我们毕业十周年的时候再回大学里聚会，不用别人说，我也能感觉到自己比以痛沉稳多了。” “我想，我也变了吧。”穆忻犹豫着说。 “总会变的，”谷清感喟，“一眨眼，我干这行居然有十四年。刚来的时候，怎么都不适应，觉得这里陌生、这里嘈杂、这里的人与事都与我难以融入。可是十四年过去，有些想觉反而一下子说不清楚了，应该是一点理解，一点认同，再加一点游刃有余吧……不过说起来也奇怪，我第一次见你时，就觉得秀山留不住你。” 谷清笑得温和，伹这温和却让穆忻吃惊，“别害怕，我没别的意思，毕竞我也是从你这时候过来的，也经历过从一无所知到熟门熟路的过程。现在回想起来仍然觉得是一个艰难的磨合期，不过走过来了也就有了很多的心得，”谷清看穆忻一眼，“比如说虽然在基层政府机关里女人能拥有的机会少得可怜，可是既然所有机关都是要配备女性领导干部的，所以你只要做到女人里的最优秀，就未必没有机会。” 穆忻瞪大眼睛看着谷清，似乎并没想到她会说达么多推心置腹的话。 过一会儿，穆忻才苦涩地笑一下：“机会吗……我一直以为往前走总会有机会，可是从没想到，有些路走着走着就是绝路。现在回头看看，每一步都是因果报应，毎一步都后悔，却再也没法重来了。” “为什么要后悔呢，”谷清摇头，“其实挑职业就像挑爱人一样，既然没有十全十美的男人给你嫁，同祥不会有十全十美的人生道路绝你选。再说了，有些事，明知坚持不下去，放手未必不是一种解脱。而另外一些亊，妥协才能成全。所以就不能一概而论，对吧？” Mu Xin was stunned. 好像，还真有些道理……就如同长久以来她—直纠结在“选这条路值不值得，曾经是否错了”窠臼里，却忘记了，如果当初选择了另外的路走，今日来必就没有遗憾和后悔。既然没有十全十美的生活，为什么要用这些无聊的问题难为自己？ 见穆忻发愣，谷清笑了，她站起身，拍拍自己衣服上的尘土：“有些坎儿，你得自己迈过去，要记住，姑娘，你还年轻，前面的路长着呢。我也不想说什么'苦尽方能甘来'的话，因为事实上，说不准将来还有什么苦楚在等着你。你与其花时间为已经无法挽回的事情难过，倒不如想想以后再跌倒了的时候，怎么自己爬起来做成功女人或许不容易，伹若想做个内心坚强的女人，只要你肯，也并不难。你得知道，你不是给你自己活着的。有很多人在乎你——无论在哪个世界里的人，他们—定都想看见你好好的生活。” 然后她拍拍穆忻的肩膀，挥手吿别：“不多说了，我得赶紧报到去，明天开始，咱就能经常在训练场上碰面了。” 说完她笑一笑，转身拎起包走向设在综合楼门口的晋督培训班报到处。直到她走远了，穆析还恍然坐在原地，怔怔看着谷清背影消失的方向。 那一刻，她似乎感觉到有什么，慢慢地，在她以为已经完全干涸的心底缓缓流淌。 也是从那天起，穆忻开始用从未有过的认真参加培训：她上课认真听讲，下课则是去警校深处那个不算大的小图书馆里看书。她再也没有抱怨过每天辛苦的1500米晨跑，甚至还咬紧牙关主动提出在反恐课上做演练——当她终于持枪冲进那扇代表噩梦的小门后，多么奇怪，那个晚上，她居然没有从梦中惊醒。 于是此后的日子便越发安宁了：她渐渐开始听得懂那些法律与行政管理课程，能和老师一起探讨问题，能就某一个案例提出自己的质疑。她听了一场知名法医的讲座，第一次惊讶地发现，原来那些犯罪的破绽不是不存在，而是我们常常被自己的眼睛欺骗。 渐渐，在这远离市区喧嚣，也远离派出所吵闹的校园里，穆忻依稀明白：有些蜕变其实早就发生，但总需要一个契机，才能被当事人自己清楚地感知。 她很感谢谷清。 然而谷清是个足够聪明的女人——她可以推心置腹化解穆忻心里的结，却不愿意走得过近以致让人多疑。所以整个培训期间，穆忻和谷清再没有坐在一起说过那么多的话。但穆忻脸上渐渐放松的表情和偶尔流露出的笑容，想必谷清也看到了。有时候在校园里擦肩而过，她们会挥挥手，用微笑代表寒暄。并不多话，但彼此都觉得满足。 关心人、被人关心，原来是同样温暖的两件事。 “三二一”袭警案全面告破在杨谦牺牲一个月后——虽然袭警主犯案发后不久就由交警和特警部门联手击毙，伹从犯驾车逃逸后通过不断地换车藏匿踪迹，直到四月下旬才被安徽警方抓获归案。审讯中，之前所涉及的一系列故意杀人案线索终于浮出水面，甚至还扯出了一串制假案。 紧接着，就在穆忻的晋衔培训结束前一天，更大的余震传来——制假案扯出了建国后全市最大的涉黑案，G市公安系统一夜之间有两位分局局长，一位刑警大队长被双规，还有一位市局督察大队长则在当天下午的一次电视电话会议上被市纪委的工作人员现场带走，这个人便是陆炳堂。 得知这个消息时穆忻正在准备参加800米长跑测试，她拿着手机，只听见里面传来张乐好像打了鸡血一样的声音：“穆姐，你听说了吗？期蝶效应啊！” “有话快说，轮到我考800米了！”穆忻抬头看看不远处正在往起跑线集合的人群，不客气地打断张乐。 “陆炳堂被抓了，”张乐语速极快地复述了他刚刚从市局熟人处得知的政治八卦，“你说这事儿是不是挺玄幻的？前天市局督察来我们所检査工作，晚上我还和他一起喝酒来着，没想到这才过了两天，人就进去了……” 张乐喋喋不休，不远处已经有人喊穆忻“集合啦，快过来”，穆忻愣一下才晓得向远处的人挥挥手，继而再次打断张乐：“我先去考试了，晚点再跟你联系。” 说完她挂断电话，快步走向起跑线，然而直到发令枪响，她和同组的考生们一起跑完第一圈400米后，她的思绪仍然被这个巨大的消息所震撼，以至于她一直都在走神的状态下机械地追随着前面那人的步伐，甚至没有发现自己身后已经甩下—个又一个体力不支的人。 直到她以该组第三名的成绩到达终点时，当肌肉的酸痛和喉咙里涌出的咸腥气终于唤醒她迟滞的知觉，她才一边喘着粗气停下脚步，一边心有余悸地想——张乐说的，是真的吧？ 她悬真的心有余悸，因为就在不久之前，陆炳堂曾以市局督察大队长的身份来警校做讲座。站在讲台上的他一眼就看见了坐在第一排的穆忻，所以待讲座结束后，他站在讲台边，用一种领导关怀下属的语气和再自然不过的姿态，轻而易举就拦住了正准备撤退的穆忻。 他的语气还是那么和蔼：“小穆，好久不见，最近还好吧？” 穆忻犹豫―下，还是硬着头皮停住脚步，在身后鱼贯而出的人们或好奇或探寻的目光中故作镇定地答：“谢谢您惦记，我还好，只是调到派出所以后去市局的机会也少了，所以一直没有见着您。” 她的语气毕恭毕敬，像是全然忘记了之前在酒吧里发生过的一切。 “我们最近想调些人来帮忙，过几天我跟你们局长说一声，你过来锻炼一下吧，”陆炳堂也好像什么都不记得一样地打官腔，“其实你上次的表现是很不错的，指挥中心那边本来想留你，后来听说你家有些急事，你就回秀山了。” 穆忻忍不住在心里吐口血，对陆炳堂睁眼说瞎话的本领越发钦佩——恐怕全市局都知道“家里有些急事”是多么丢人现眼的“急事”吧？难为他还能说的这么冠冕堂皇。 “就这样吧，你准备一下，这几天发函给你们分局。”陆炳堂挥挥手准备离开。 “陆大队，”穆忻急忙喊住他，“我们所的工作也挺忙的，我……” 却没等说完就被陆炳堂打断，他似笑非笑：“小穆，你要知道借调时表现好的话就可以留在市局，不用一辈子蹲在那个小派出所里，多少人都盼不来的机会，你还往外推？” 他没再给穆忻说话的机会，摆摆手就走远了，穆忻苦不堪言地看着他的背影，不知道下一步要怎么办。 但现在想来，那居然就是她最后一次见陆炳堂——她还记的，那天，他穿着白色的春秋执勤服，肩膀上的三级警监标志闪闪发光。她甚至记起了那辆熠熠发光的陆虎，以及暴雨那天救人性命的那双大手……她不知道此时此刻的自己，是该庆幸化险为夷，还是要感慨人心难测？ 想到这了，她如梦初醒般抬头看向天空，春日的阳光温暖明媚，云彩好像棉絮一样浮在空中，四周是柳枝抽芽的芳香，一切的一切都生机勃勃。她的眼眶突然有些湿润，她在心里说杨谦你看见了吗？这是你的一条命换来的警界地震，是我当初为了保护你而不得不去周旋的那个人，如今因为你所办案件的牵连而进了监狱。他或许不能算是个彻头彻尾的坏人，可恶行终有报，这才是真正的“命”！ 春日浅浅的花香里，穆忻抱着肩，缓缓蹲在了操场边。她没有哭，只是木然地看着脚下的泥土发呆。测试早就结束了，参加测试的老师和学员都渐渐离开操场，从远处看，只有穆忻穿着蓝色的作训服一动不动蹲在那里，好像失了魂。 第二天，结业典礼后，培训终于结束，穆忻拖着行李箱走到警校门口，不出意外地看到了褚航声。 他站在车边，一直看着警校大门口的方向，直到看到穆忻出来，才疾走几步上前，接过她手里的大包小包。 一路上两人都没怎么说话，只听着调频广播里的音乐节目。过了很久，还是褚航声先开口：“培训……还好吗？” Mu Xin nodded. 褚航声用余光看到了，在心里叹口气，才说：“我妈来了。” 穆忻惊讶地扭头看着褚航声，听见他说：“她问我们什么时候结婚。” 穆忻眼里划过一丝不忍，她张张口，却没等说出话就被褚航声打断：“我实话实说了，我说你这里发生了一点变故，而我过阵子要外出学习，眼下都顾不上。” 穆忻愣愣的：“外出学习？” 褚航声“嗯”一声，补充：“大概半个月前吧，去参加了武汉大学的博士学位考试，没想到考上了，昨天报社刚批准可以脱产学习一年，明年秋天回来一边上班一边做论文。” “你怎么没跟我说？”穆忻呆呆的，还有点反应不过来。 “我给你发过短信，我说我要去考试，问你意见，你没回，”褚航声苦笑，“我猜你培训忙，或许……压力也大，不敢总是骚扰你。” 他那样谦卑的语气，居然用“骚扰”这个词，穆析心里又是一阵疼，她不知道，自己明明谁也不想伤害，可为什么总是一个又一个地不断伤害着人？ 说话间车已经到了四丁镇派出所门口，穆忻下车，接过行李。她怔怔地看着站在自己面前的褚航声，看懂了他有些期待却又有些踌躇的眼神。她嗫嚅着，却不知道该怎么说自己也一团混乱的想法——理智指使她说我们分手吧，我不知道什么时候才能完全恢复，我不能拖累你；然而私心却指使她说求求你，给我时间，或许可能很久，但就这样放弃我不甘心、马上结婚又不忍心……我只是，需要时间。 好在，褚航声替她说了：“你被心，我妈那里我都交代好了，她不会强迫你去做你没准备好的事。我不知道你要恢复多久，也不知道我能等多久，但一年总是没问题的。其实之前我也犹豫了很久，拿不准现在是应该站在你身边陪着你，还是暂时离开，让你梳理好自己的思路，明确以后的想法。我只能自作主张，但愿再回来的时候，这个东西还在。” 他一边说一边把一个红色的小绒盒放在穆忻手心里，目光坦诚地注视着她：“我不是要给你压力，只不过这个既然是给你准备的，就算你以后再也不想戴，也得由你扔掉。” 穆忻眼眶一酸，低头打开那个椭圆形的红色小盒子：精致的彩金女戒——是对戒中的一只，也是他曾经说过要在结婚登记那天拿来郑重佩戴的“注册商标”，在阳光下散发夺目光泽。却不料，曾经心心念念想要佩戴它们的人，已心境不再。 那天以后，褚航声果然再没有跟穆忻联系。她重新回到安静、平常的生活中，好像杨谦没有出现过，褚航声也没有出现过，以前所有的伤痛，都不过只是一场梦。 只有在周末，去养老院看肖玉华的时候，穆忻才会觉得，现实就是现实，它不可预料的发生，深深刻下伤痕，让你无法逃避、必须面对。只不过，随着时间的流逝，泪水终究会风干成一块记忆的化石，而我们能攥紧了不遗失的，也不过手心里的这个“现在”。 忙碌的工作中，伴随着渐渐平静下来的心情，令穆忻的脸上终于有了久违的笑容。看在郝慧楠和张乐眼里，松口气的同时，只觉百感交集。 真正意义上的转折出现在国庆节后——十月中旬，市委组织部发布考试通知，指明全市范围内1980年以后出生、副科或正科满一定年限的公务员可以参加共计三十五个副处级岗位的甄选考试，噱头是“提把八零后副处级干部”。考试在十月底举行，能够用来复习的时间基本没有，或者说考的就是日常素养，打的就是无准备之仗。 对此，穆忻深知强手如云，所以从一开始就没抱任何希望。然而越没有压力就越容易超长发挥，当鄙视为成绩公布，穆忻以第二十五名的成绩进入面试范围时，她突然觉得自己好像是回到了多年前刚参加完公务员考试并得知自己考取后的那种悲喜莫辩的心情。 唯一不同的是，那时候，她的身边有杨谦，他那么朝气蓬勃地拽着她一起走。而如今，她只有她自己。 但让所有人大跌眼镜的是——一周后，穆忻居然连面试也通过了，只待政审结束就可以去团委宣传部任副部长！ 秀山分居一片震惊。 所有人都在问：穆忻？是杨谦的前妻吗？就是那个把婆婆逼疯了的女孩子？果然有些手腕，居然能考上副处级？没有背景吗，真的不是某某领导的亲戚吗？不是因为沾了杨谦的光？她以前学什么的？学艺术的怎么可能有这么强的实力打败那么多考生？ 穆忻苦笑——我说我没背景，你们信吗？ 当然不信。 这不就结了……穆忻想，嘴长在别人脑袋上，爱说什么就说什么吧，她已经懒得解释了。 她只是在一夜之间突生对这身警服的依恋：夜深人静的时候，她站在自己小小的宿舍里，仔仔细细打量这身衣裳，还有左胸前那个闪闪发亮的警号。这是她毕生不会忘怀的一段经历，是她人生路途上无数拐点的集合。她在这里体会过爱情的甜蜜、婚礼的琐碎、职业的历练、亲情的起伏，有过满足与欣慰，当然也有煎熬与伤害，但如今，她能记住的，都是好的。 她不是没有失望过，但她仍然愿意相信邪不压正。 她仍然愿意相信，命运中哪怕充斥着90%的悲剧，却仍然有10%的契机可以将你拯救——就像她曾经一次次参加考试，做梦都想离开秀山，然而总是失败，那时她并没有想到，总有些机会在柳暗花明处。 只要你真的有准备。 因为馅饼的确不会砸在毫无准备的人头上。 也是去政治处上交自己的警衔标志、警号、警官证的那天，穆忻再一次感到内心深处涌起强烈的不舍：这些以前看做是束缚的标志，因为四年的朝夕相伴，个中感情，难以言说。她不知道要怎样表达自己夹杂着雀跃、憧憬与留恋的矛盾心情，只能最后用手抚摸一下那铮亮的四角里，转身离去。只是当她走出分局大门后，忍不住回头再看一眼那枚闪亮的警徽，她的心脏好像瞬间被一只手攒紧，让她必须深呼吸几口冰冷的空气，才能压住眼底那些许的潮意。 她又想起了值夜班接警被醉汉咒骂的时光，想起在派出所里因为对方手续不全不能办理业务却反被对方指责的时光，想起因为业务不熟练而被段修才奚落批评的时光，想起要努力和同事们打成一片的过往种种……突然恍悟这一切对自己的改变：她不再是大学里那个口无遮拦的小女孩了，她渐渐学会一忍再忍、百忍成钢，也开始习惯站在别人的角度上理解问题，开始学会用对方能够接受的方式交流沟通，开始理解陌生人的艰辛与麻烦背后的不得已。 以及，她终于明白，当她狠下心把自己的清髙、自负甚至尊严踩在脚下时，从此，她再不畏惧任何形式的刁难与践踏了。 也或许，这就是职场的规则与每—个新人的成长吧——跟一份稳定又貌似体面的工作相比，尊产之类大可以往后放。日子还长，人总要学会弯腰，才有机会把散了一地的“自我”慢慢捡回来。 那天，离开分局后，穆忻像被什么驱使一样去了养老院。 肖玉华还是那样，一样穿着穆忻给她买的毛衣，拉着穆忻的手说：“你为什么不早点回来呢？” 穆忻心里发酸，咬住嘴唇没有说话。 肖玉华叹息：“谦谦好久没来了。” 穆忻再也忍不住，在照顾肖玉华的护理人员，停下步子打招呼，对方还感叹：“你们单位的人真是长情，每个礼拜都来看她。” 穆折的眼泪险些再次决堤—她甚至都没法说，这位老人，曾是她的婆婆，她们水火不容那么久，并不是为了今天这样凄凉的会面。 泪眼朦胧地走出养老院，大雪纷飞中刚好有公交车驶来，穆忻上去找了座位坐下，一路看着窗外发呆。也不知道走了多久，直到看见了市区里的璀灿灯火，穆忻才蓦然反应过来：自己居然坐错了车。 她急慌谎地下车，结果一抬头就看见不远处的市局大门，以及那旁边的省报宿舍楼。穆忻心里好像有一个小鼓槌在拼命地敲，她不由自主地往前走两步，仰头寻找褚航声家的阳台窗户，然而恰在这时，一个从前面街角转过的身影突然吸引了她的视线——也是挺拔的个子，步伐匆匆，手里捏一个文件袋，顶风冒雪地往前走。穆忻突然就愣了，那一刻，她真的以为那是杨谦，是跟他一样的打扮、一样的走姿是杨谦吧……是杨谦吗？ 只是一瞬间，穆忻突然失去理智地往前跑，像是要追上那个稍纵即逝的身影，那个杨谦还活着的梦……结冰的路面上，她几次险些摔倒，却还是奔跑着追了整整两条街，直到那个模糊的背影完全隐没在人群中，再也看不见。 空阔的街道上，穆忻收住脚步，怔怔地站在原地。她迷茫地抬起头看看四周，才发现居然跑到了一条全然陌生的街道上。雪还在下，行人们低着头匆匆走过，身边有间咖啡馆，整扇落地玻璃璃上写着大大的“Merry Christmas & Happy New Year”，旁边音像店里的扩音喇叭播放着一首忧伤的歌：“你会不会忽然的出现在街角的咖啡店。我会带着笑脸回首寒暄，和你坐着聊聊天。我多么想和你见一面，看看你最近改变。不再去说从前，只是寒暄，对你说一句，只是一句，好久不见……” 突然间，毫无征兆的，穆忻泪如雨下…… 也是那天，傍晚的时候，穆忻到了烈士陵园。 沿台阶而上时，她才想起自己连一束花都没有给杨谦带，她停住脚步犹豫一下，抬头看看前方一一重停了，清晰的视野中她一眼就看见不远处塞砖上那张熟悉的照片，还有墓碑顶部覆盖着的那层薄薄的雪。 她终于还是是缓缓走向杨谦的慕薅，走到跟前，蹲下身，一边伸手拂去四周的雪花，一边低声说