Chapter 10 Chapter Nine If Time Could Turn Back

When Chu Hangsheng saw Mu Xin again, he did not expect such a scene. The cries of the bereaved loved ones were heard everywhere at the entrance of the hospital—thirty-four people lost their lives in the city during the three-hour torrential rain, seven of them in Xiushan.Those who were alive the day before, perhaps just to cross a road or pick up a bag during the rainstorm, were swept away to another world by a wave. Chu Hangsheng came here with enthusiastic people who were brave enough to do justice. He took a trainee reporter to interview nearby. He saw a teenage boy injured by a big tree knocked down by the flood. He swam over and dragged the child out. , I happened to meet an enthusiastic car owner who stopped and walked countless times before arriving at the People's Hospital before dawn.He knew that his image was also in a mess: with his trouser legs rolled up, covered in mud, he stood like a homeless man in the hospital lobby.He looked around for the bathroom, wanting to do a simple freshen up, but he didn't expect to see Mu Xin who was being pushed at the door of the mortuary not far away.He didn't know the person who pushed her, only saw an old lady with disheveled hair, crying and screaming, slapping Mu Xin's face one after another.He knew the person who was trying to stop her. He was Mu Xin's husband, Yang Qian. He only heard him yelling "Mom, calm down, calm down"... Chu Hang suddenly realized: Is that person Mu Xin's mother-in-law?He remembered meeting him before, she seemed to be a middle-aged woman with a good temperament, but how could she become so hoarse and instantly aged?

He didn't have time to think about it, because Xiao Yuhua had already taken off a shoe and threw it at Mu Xin.Chu Hangsheng rushed over in two steps in three steps, just in time to catch the muddy shoe, and then pulled Mu Xin into his arms. He stretched out his hand to block Xiao Yuhua's slap, and hurriedly greeted: "Hello, Auntie, I'm Mu Xin's brother, I met you last time." "What's the matter!" Xiao Yuhua's eyes were red, "Your good sister, she forced her father-in-law to death! Do you know? She forced my wife to death! I am alone now, alone It's gone!"

Yang Qian also had tears in his eyes, and he still held Xiao Yuhua tightly: "Mom, you still have me." "What's the use of you? You're not partial to this poisonous woman! You have the ability to beat her for me, you beat her for me! Let me tell you, if you don't beat her today, don't plan to burn your father ! If you don’t want her anymore, I’ll be here with him every day, and I’ll see if he’s going to die with regret! He’ll die with regret!” Chu Hang was dumbfounded, because of Xiao Yuhua's accusation, and also because of her almost crazy demeanor.But he couldn't let go, because he felt Mu Xin trembling in his arms, almost unable to stand up.She clung to his arm like a piece of driftwood in a flood.

"Brother, take her away first." Yang Qian took a deep breath, "Let's call." Chu Hang nodded, turned around and dragged Mu Xin out of the hospital.He ran into Zhang Le, who had heard the news, and looked at Chu Hangsheng and the pale Mu Xin in surprise. Seeing Chu Hangsheng glance behind him, Zhang Le didn't speak, just nodded, and went straight to Yang Qian and Xiao Yuhua.Mu Xin was numb, and didn't know how to say hello, but just followed Chu Hangsheng's footsteps and walked out. Thinking about it many years later, she felt that in her life, even when she lost her father, she was never like that moment. , suspected to be a walking dead.

Afterwards, Mu Xin had a high fever for three whole days at Xuanhangsheng's house. During the three days, she fantasized countless times that she could burn a little more when her muscles were aching and the fire was burning. It would be better to lose consciousness and be in a coma, because if that was the case, she would not be staring at the door and listening to the fire every day. The phone rings, anxious to the point of auditory hallucinations.How much she looked forward to Yang Qian coming to visit her, to pick her up, even if it was just to make a phone call and ask where she was and how she was... But, no.

When she was the most disheartened, it was not that she hadn't thought that it was better to die than to live. But the sound of Xuanhang refused. When she didn’t eat, he called the nurse from the community hospital to give her glucose; He kept watch by her side at night, and said where he had been, what people who were in pain and the end of life he had seen in the years when they hadn't met... He never commented on her life, nor did he ask what happened that day, He just used the roads he traveled more than her and the stories he saw more to tell her that there would never be any kind of misfortune, and he dared to say that he was the most miserable kind in the world.

He persuaded her: "Xin Xin, there are always misunderstandings of one kind or another in the life of a couple. If the needle points to the wheat, maybe it will never be undone; if you take a step back first, maybe the sea and the sky will be brighter. All the couples who have come to a dead end, among them Quite a few people just choose tit-for-tat when they should step back and calm down. So, if you want to save your relationship, you might as well give him some time to calm down and think about it. He should understand you What kind of person, if you think clearly, it will be solved naturally."

Mu Xin didn't speak, just looked at him blankly.After a long time, Xuan Hangsheng sighed, put down the porridge bowl in his hand, turned and left the room.Just when he was about to walk to the door of the room, he heard Mu Xin ask: "After the divorce, have you ever regretted it?" Xuan Hangsheng stood by the door with his back to Mu Xin, the light of the living room cast a faint circle around him, Mu Xin watched his back, and repeated: "Have you ever regretted it?" "How should I put it, when I was lonely, I didn't regret it. But even if I didn't let go at that time, so what? Some days can be saved, but others are irreversible. At that time, if If you still don't let go, you just can't make it with yourself." He turned his back to her, his voice was low, and he didn't turn his head.

"Do you love her?" "When deciding to get married, it must be love, otherwise no one will have the courage to go to this step. The so-called marriage is love to the point of being courageous, and being willing not to regret it. However, no matter how prudent we are and how seriously we are responsible for marriage, we cannot There are always some people you can't keep no matter how hard you try to keep them," Chu Hang sighed, "But Xin Xin, you are different from me, obviously you still have feelings for each other." "Emotions?" Mu Xin smiled wryly, "For three days, I've been thinking whether the love and care he promised is still there. Yes, I dare not deny it rashly until now, but I have Impossible not to doubt."

"The person who tied the bell is needed to untie the bell. It's useless to ask anyone except himself." Xuan Hangsheng finally turned around and looked at Mu Xin calmly. The failure lies in their own speculation. People's thoughts are stronger than they imagined. Many questions are obviously non-existent. If you speculate a lot, you will believe it is true. Why don't you give yourself time and space to speculate, and hurry up to ask for an answer. " "It would be great if we could turn back time," Mu Xin sighed, "Forget it, I'd better go to work. Let's just separate and calm down...Anyway, it's impossible to be open and honest when we meet now."

"Drink some porridge, you are too weak to go to work now." Xuan Hang pointed to the porridge bowl, closed the door and left.Mu Xin looked at the closed door, a little dazed. She thought: Yang Chenglin should have been cremated, right?Where are his ashes buried?Will she still have time to worship him?Such an old man eagerly looking forward to his children to live a good life, did he ever think that there will be such a situation today? When Hao Huinan came all the way, Zhang Le was still following behind him. "You——" Mu Xin looked at the two people in front of her a little bit tongue-tied, but didn't know what to say next. "We have nothing to do. He went to the city bureau to do business, and I hitched a ride. Hey, where's your brother? He went to work?" Seeing Mu Xin nodding, Hao Huinan became annoyed, "What's wrong with you? Being tortured like this by an old lady?" "She's self-destructing, can't you see that?" Zhang Le dropped the two watermelons he was carrying, and when he looked up, Hao Huinan glared at him, and immediately stretched out his hand in surrender, "It's like I didn't say anything." "It's because I've been too busy recently, so I didn't have time to contact you. Who knew such a big thing would happen." Hao Huinan turned to look at Mu Xin and said. Mu Xin smiled and cut off the conversation: "What have you been up to lately?" Hao Huinan glanced at her, sighed, and changed the subject: "What else can the head of a village do, let's generate income and get rich." "On the project?" "I also have to thank our new secretary. He looks like a very ordinary person, but he didn't expect to be a human being..." Hao Huinan admired. "Is she boasting?" Mu Xin looked at Zhang Le wonderingly. Zhang Le waved his hand: "Just get used to it." "Then what 'personnel' is he doing?" Mu Xin looked at Hao Huinan and asked. "Give money, give projects, is there anything more affordable than this these days? Let's talk about our village. Most of the men have gone out to work, and the rest except women are old, weak, sick and disabled. Especially the women of various families , and they have to do farm work and take care of the whole family. After a little understanding, they know that their employment intention is nothing more than "making money without leaving the house". In my opinion, the women in our village are motivated, but they lack projects. And according to my observation, as the number of school-age children decreases, the primary school in our village has been closed for a long time, and the school building is not bad. Waste, as long as there is a project, we can free up the abandoned school building and use it as a factory. If you are willing to support me, let's try it, maybe there will be surprises?" "You are real." Mu Xin had to express her approval. "I'm in my position, I'm planning my own politics. Since I'm the village head, I don't have to be so polite like "Lectures of Hundred Schools". I blackmail when I should blackmail, and spoil when I should." Hao Huinan also laughed, "In the end we The new secretary really asked us to contact us for a project to package fans. The factory is responsible for the painting, disinfection and quarantine of the school building, free training, and as soon as possible. , the first month’s wages were paid, and the family didn’t delay in being filial to the elderly and raising their children, and they even added hundreds of dollars to their income.” "It's really courageous." Mu Xin continued to praise. "You haven't seen those by-products yet - we have developed a learning system, and the women in the factory are concentrated in two classes every month to learn how to read and read some articles on health science to them. It seems that The effect is not bad." Hao Huinan was very proud. "You are really thoughtful," Mu Xin looked at her with admiration this time, "But they just go to the class honestly?" "Fine if you don't go," Hao Huinan waved his hand, "Five yuan for one absenteeism, ten yuan for false leave!" "Why do I feel that whoever marries her will be under a lot of pressure," Zhang Le finally spoke with a sad face, "She is really good at governing people." "Everyone said it was 'in their position, seek their own government'," Mu Xin spoke for Hao Huinan, "When you are not married, you use the standards of the village chief to strictly demand yourself, and after you get married, you use the standards of a daughter-in-law to revise yourself , can it be the same?" "Whatever it is, what does it have to do with him?" Hao Huinan looked at Zhang Le wonderingly, "Why are you still here?" "Didn't Zhao Xuhui be thrown at the gate of the Municipal Bureau on the way just now? He is enough for him alone. I want to come and see Sister Mu sincerely." Zhang Le looked at Mu Xin flatteringly and smiled, "Sister Mu, do you think so? Can you feel my sincerity?" Mu Xin stroked her forehead and sighed helplessly: "Yes, I feel that you are very sincere." Hearing this, Zhang Le smiled triumphantly, Hao Huinan looked at him sincerely and sighed: "I can only feel that you are so shameless!" Mu Xin finally couldn't help laughing out loud, she felt dazed when she laughed - for so many days, she always thought that she would never laugh again in this life. Of course, after a long time, Mu Xin knew that when we were young, we liked to talk about "a lifetime", but later found that a lifetime is much longer than we imagined.Therefore, all those fantasies related to "a lifetime" are just because, at that time, we were just starting to walk on this road called "a lifetime". For example, some bloody plots, you once thought, only appeared in novels. Or it should be explained that Mu Xin did not expect Xiao Yuhua to regroup and go into battle so quickly—but three days later, just after Yang Chenglin was cremated, Xiao Yuhua appeared at the gate of the Municipal Public Security Bureau. Of course, this is not a rare thing. After all, there are often some petitioners gathered at the gate of the Public Security Bureau, so the Municipal Bureau has set every Wednesday as the day for the director to receive visits. On this day, there are grievances and complaints.It's just that no one expected that the person who received the interview on this day happened to be the deputy director in charge of the command center, and the person who came to petition was Xiao Yuhua, who had been crying all the time. The deputy director was completely shocked that morning. I saw Xiao Yuhua enter the room sobbing at the beginning, and after shouting the three words "wronged" at the top of his voice, he began to cry loudly. The director hastily ordered the policeman who was recorded next to him to hand over a tissue: "Ma'am, please speak slowly, what happened?" "You are wronged! Leader, you have to decide for our common people! You policemen forced your old father-in-law to death! What do you call this... woo woo woo..." "Tell me in detail, what's going on?" "My daughter-in-law is a policeman from the Xiushan Sub-bureau. You borrowed it to help me," Xiao Yuhua wiped away tears and stared at the deputy director with red eyes. I don’t pay a penny, but I paid them 200,000 yuan as a down payment! 200,000 yuan, Director, how long does it take for an old lady like me to save? I just want her to pay some money too. Contribute your strength, how could they know that they are addicted to gnawing on the old! She ran away from home without paying or talking about it! My wife came out to persuade her to go home on the day it rained heavily, thinking that a family is still a family after all. Live an ordinary life, but who knows that she just made my wife so angry that he had a cerebral hemorrhage, and if he said nothing, he would be gone!" Xiao Yuhua's cry was so shrill that it almost pierced through the room: "My dear! Why did you just abandon me like this! My dear, do you know what kind of life I live? My dear..." The director's head is as big as a bucket. There was no need for suspense, and the result was quick and easy—after 24 hours, Mu Xin packed up and left the city bureau to report back to the branch bureau. When the door of the section chief's room opened, it was Gu Qing's face that hesitated to speak.Mu Xin, who thought his heart was numb, couldn't help but be touched slightly by the expression of those who tried to change but didn't know what to face, and said after a while: "I'm sorry, section chief, I'm back. " Gu Qing sighed deeply. "Where do you live?" This is the most urgent question that Gu Qing can think of. In one day, what happened at Mu Xin's house flew all over the branch like refreshments after dinner, making the original sense of existence extremely weak, and the scope of activities did not exceed the command Mu Xin on the floor of the center instantly became a celebrity - driving her father-in-law to death and her mother-in-law crazy. Such a daughter-in-law was not noticed by everyone before. How many gossip lovers made mistakes? Home, probably can't go back... "Or, let's stay in the duty room first." Gu Qing thought for a while, feeling a little unbearable, "It's just that there is no air conditioner in that room, and now Qiuhu is coming soon." "It's okay, it's good to have a place to live," Mu Xin smiled, trying to ridicule herself, but she didn't say anything, and said after a while, "Should I still receive the police according to the original duty schedule?" Gu Qing hesitated for a moment, and finally decided to send Mu Xin out to hide from the limelight: "You can go to the Organization Department of the District Committee to help sort out the files. There is a shortage of people there. You have only been here for a short time and your political consciousness is high. I'm not afraid that you will do anything illegal. You have to know that files are confidential, so be cautious and careful." Mu Xin nodded. She won't have any objections—not to mention that obeying orders is a bounden duty, but in the current situation, what else can she ask for? The next day, Mu Xin reported to the Organization Department of the district committee. However, the district committee building hundreds of meters away was still so quiet. Mu Xin was in a daze when she was standing in the lobby waiting for the elevator. The sudden fall from the sky made her feel that in this faraway place, she would have someone to rely on after all.At that time, no matter how much she hated this place, no matter how much she feared this kind of life, she was not alone because of the existence of this person. It's only been a few months, now, where is the person who said that she can no longer be alone?Are you working on a case, or are you trying to appease his neurotic mother?When he promised and married her, when he said "There is still me", did he ever think that there would be today? It's only been a few months, and she never knew that someone else would have such destructive power to her marriage. Home, isn't it the home of two people?Why are so many people involved? Shouldn't marriage be simple and plain?Why become ups and downs? Why is it that everyone else is happy and happy, but I am the only one who is miserable and chaotic? How can I be so unlucky? ... Mu Xin didn't even think about it until she stood at the door of the Archives Section of the Organization Department. But she finally made it clear: her life has become a hard screw in the state machine since she chose to enter this line of work. Apart from obeying orders, there is very little room for resistance.This seems to echo her marriage from afar—you can obey, you can submit, you can't resist, and you have no way to appeal. In the morning, Mu Xin was assigned a job to make a catalog of the sorted files. The advantage of this task was that there was no need to constantly flip through the yellowed file pages, which reduced the close contact with bacteria; Typing constantly in front of the computer, my eyes, neck and spine are tired, and I have to learn how cactus absorbs radiation. This kind of life, Mu Xin thought, was exhausting to her. It's really exhausting - from 8:30 in the morning to 12:00 noon, and from 1:00 in the afternoon to 5:00 in the afternoon, except typing is typing.Because in the office, except for Mu Xin, there are only male police officers seconded from various police stations to help, so few people talk to each other. The only constant echoes in the room are the "click" sound of typing on the keyboard and the "swish swish" when cutting the form. "Voice.After a long time, the whole person feels lack of vitality.When I return to the dormitory after get off work every day, I don’t want to do anything, watch or listen to anything except lying down and closing my eyes... At this time, Mu Xin will feel more and more lost: this kind of robot-like life, but what she wants? It was a few days later when Yang Qian reappeared, Mu Xin had just returned to the dormitory after sorting out the files for a day, and the late summer heat made the inside and outside of the room sticky.She was about to go to the bathroom in the backyard to take a bath, when she opened the door and saw Yang Qian, she thought she was dazzled. Mu Xin couldn't tell the difference between joy and sorrow: He hadn't heard from him for more than ten days, how much did he have to hate himself to show up until now? "Let's talk." Yang Qian said, with a calm expression and no ups and downs in his tone. Mu Xin didn't speak, just opened the door to let him in, put down the washbasin in her hand, and sat back to her bed quietly. "I've thought a lot these days," Yang Qian sighed, and sat down on the side of the single bed opposite, "I don't think we should make such a mess at all. After all, we have feelings, you say What about Mu Xin?" Mu Xin looked up at Yang Qian, and suddenly felt that this person in front of him was so strange—we have feelings—who would talk like that?Before it's time to say goodbye, who will talk about their feelings and keep talking about them in remembrance? However, no matter how unfamiliar they are, she still finds it hard to believe that they have really reached a precarious step. She thinks it shouldn't be - it's only been a few months, she shouldn't be such a cowardly person, and Yang Qian shouldn't be such a person .They should have the courage to improve their relationship with each other, and they should be able to accommodate and tolerate each other.They should be able to live well and live together for a lifetime, shouldn't they? "I observed my mother for a while, and I found that she was hit suddenly, and her nerves were a little deranged. In fact, she is very good, really, have I told you before? There is a little girl in our elementary school without a father. , living with her mother, the family conditions are not good, sometimes my mother let her come to my house for dinner. Every time after eating, I push the rice bowl to play, the little girl also knows how to wash the dishes, my mother likes it very much She always patted her head and said that the children of the poor would be the head of the family early, and that if I was half as sensible as I was, she would be satisfied. Children who are all the same age, how can her son know how to wash dishes..." Mu Xin didn't say a word, she felt that different standpoints and different understandings——Yang Qian, you have both parents, and you are a careless boy, so you will naturally feel that this is your mother's compassion and kindness, but have you ever thought about it, "The child of the poor Be in charge early", what does it feel like to hear this sentence in the heart of a little girl?Who wants to be called poor by others?Furthermore, if you say in front of a girl that your son can't wash dishes, is that a feeling of disappointment or a show of happiness? "So I thought about it and thought it was necessary to divert her attention. She is just too busy, you know? I need to find something for her to do," Yang Qian continued, "Shall we have a baby? " "Ah?" Mu Xin was stunned—it's the current situation where fire and water are incompatible, and she still wants to have a child? "Let's have a baby, Mu Xin. She won't be so resentful if she has a baby to play with her. After all, she and my dad have been looking forward to this day for a long time..." Yang Qian's voice Lowering down, the eyelids also drooped, looking at the floor, Mu Xin suddenly felt a soft bump in his heart. Indeed, I have been looking forward to it for a long time—during the short time I spent with Yang Chenglin, sometimes the old man would laugh out loud when he watched the commercials selling diapers on TV, pointing to the fat baby in it for Mu Xin to see... But, who is he? Did not wait for that day. But sentimentality is sentimental, anyway, Mu Xin still has reason, and asked: "Do you really think that a child can improve the relationship between us? Your mother hates me to the bone, will she tell the child in the future, 'Your mother is The murderer of your grandfather'?" Yang Qian was also stunned, and answered after a while: "The child must have been brought up by us, the old man is just helping." Mu Xin was silent for a while, then asked: "Then what do you think? You hate me too? Do you doubt me too?" "Then what about you, Mu Xin," Yang Qian finally breathed out, asking a question he had been thinking about for a long time but didn't know how to ask, "Can you tell me what happened that day?" "What happened?" Mu Xin couldn't help laughing, "I said it a long time ago, your father came to me that day and said that your mother is a good person, and you are also a good person, let me be more accommodating and live a good life. I agreed, and I plan to Continue to endure, but I didn't expect that your mother would not give me a chance to endure. It's only been a few months, Yang Qian? Your mother has only lived with us for a few months? The world is in chaos, I don't know how it will become This way. I know that patience is needed in marriage, and many hurdles may not be difficult to overcome, but how can I bear this situation? After much deliberation, the only explanation is that your mother never recognized me, and she counts my problems every day. Disadvantages, such as my family being poor, not beautiful enough, and having no background... She regrets every day that you didn't form a good relationship with your childhood sweetheart and help each other, and she feels angry when she thinks of my existence. She saves all of these, Before seeing me, she had been saving like this, and after coming to our house, she finally found an opportunity to explode, that's all!" "Nonsense!" Yang Qian was also angry, "My mother is not that kind of person. Although she is a little narrow-minded, my father and I know this, but she is not such a wicked person. Mu Xin, you say that about your own mother-in-law, Do you think it's fair? She's old, she's already angry, and she's not pleasing to anyone when she catches up with menopause. She just can't suppress her sharp mouth. Does it make you understand her from such a bad-hearted perspective? Dare I know this isn't you My dear mother! Your mother is good to me, but after she remarried, she would rather be busy raising grandchildren for her later husband’s family, and she didn’t support our family with a penny. Do you think your mother will spend the money you sent home? Did you use it for your own medical treatment? I’m not ashamed to tell you, last time your mother called and said that your stepfather’s grandson is going to kindergarten, and you have to pay sponsorship fees to enter the kindergarten. You are short of money. I paid 2,000 yuan to send it to her directly! I don’t think it’s a big deal, and I forgot to tell you about it later, but I’m also wondering, why didn’t your mother mention it to you again? See your reaction , you really don’t know, then I’m interested—could your mother call for help when you’re not at home? Just to see if I’m a stingy son-in-law?” "You spitting blood!" Mu Xin trembled with anger, "No matter how poor our family is, we are not begging for food!" "I didn't say that your family is a beggar, I'm just discussing the matter. You and my mother are now tit for tat, so naturally you can't listen to what I said. But Mu Xin, ask yourself, during the time when my mother came to our house, I Is it true that I have never been too partial to her? I always have to consider that you are my wife and what your feelings are. I am just one-sided. If you ask me to completely stand by your side, it will be too difficult, and I will also Can't do it." "Come on, Yang Qian, don't talk about it," Mu Xin felt his hands shaking violently, "You go back, and let me be alone for a while." "Mu Xin, it's not a short time since we all calmed down. Look at how many people in the bureau are waiting to watch the fun. It's not an option for you to live here." Yang Qian frowned, "Go home." "Home? Is that still my home?" Mu Xin smiled wryly, "And the troubles have come to this day, Yang Qian, who do you think is responsible? You can't just say 'harmony' and completely ignore your position. Your mother is here The City Bureau went to make a fuss, vowing to make me unable to stay anywhere. She is almost successful, and I have been sent out by Section Chief Gu to avoid the limelight. What do you want me to do? What else can I do? Go home... ...To put it lightly, if I quarrel with your mother again, I will die." Mu Xin clutched her heart tightly, and vaguely felt pain there again. Together with the shoulder blade, it seemed that there was a screwdriver twisting desperately inside, as if trying to drill a hole out of a cavity of flesh and blood. Yang Qian didn't notice this, he was only anxious: "I said that if there is a problem, we must find a way to solve it, and we can't break it! How long have we been married? Isn't it good when we are in love? Why do you think about it as soon as you get married? One beat and two break up?" "Yang Qian, who told you that I want to break up?" Mu Xin looked at Yang Qian suspiciously, "I never said the word 'divorce' from the beginning to the end, Yang Qian, please don't tell me, This is a scene you have simulated 11 million times, you must not tell me, because you have thought about it too many times, so you have faked it, thinking that this is what I said, or what I will do .” Yang Qian was dumb, he opened his mouth, but didn't think about what to say for a while.In Mu Xin's eyes, his expression only brought deep disappointment, and the emotions were overwhelming, like a tsunami buried the last vitality deep in her heart-but, even so, she was still reluctant to show the most decisive and cruelest Words are spoken. She just waved her hand: "you go, let me have a rest, I'm tired." Her face was ashen, Yang Qian saw it, took a step forward, but didn't dare to touch her.She lay down back on the bed, only feeling that her heart seemed to be squeezed into a ball, and she wanted to suffocate.She closed her eyes, sighed exhaustedly, and faintly heard the door knocking, tears slipped out of the corners of her eyes. She was real, cornered. I don't know how long it has passed, and when I woke up again, I only felt that there was someone beside me in a daze.When he opened his eyes, Xu Shi was a little frightened, and there was a burst of soreness and pain on his forehead. "Are you awake?" Chu Hangsheng sat beside another bed not far away, pointing to the lunch box on the table, "I brought you some specialty dishes from our work canteen, but it's a little cold, do you have a microwave?" Mu Xin was stunned and still a little bit unable to react.She wanted to sit up, Chu Hangsheng quickly took two steps forward, and brought her a pillow at the end of the bed. Mu Xin asked: "When did you come?" "It didn't take long, I came up after asking all the way, I knocked on the door, and saw that you didn't lock the door, so I came in by myself." Chu Hang smiled, as if wanting to ease the atmosphere, turned around and took out a bottle of wine from his bag, "It's the holiday, what's the matter?" You have to celebrate too." "Holidays?" After sorting out the files for several days, Mu Xin had already lost his sensitivity to time. He took out a wine bottle and took out a few small paper boxes with the words "Mooncake" printed on it before he realized, "Mid-Autumn Festival Yet?" "Are you so confused? No wonder you haven't contacted me since you came back. I thought that you would tell me about your recent situation anyway, but now it seems that if I didn't come by myself today, you would just sleep to death in this room." In the dormitory, you won’t remember who I am, will you?” While joking, Chu Hangsheng used a corkscrew to carefully uncork the wine bottle.The moment it was unplugged, there was a faint smell of red wine in the room.Chu Hangsheng took out two paper cups, filled them with red wine, and handed her a cup: "Let's just make it." Mu Xin smiled wryly: "You really just let it go... just don't heat the dishes, it's not too cold today, so let's just eat it. It's a holiday... but it's just a thought." She looked down at the paper cup with the logo of the provincial newspaper in her hand, took a sip of the wine, and the rich oak aroma rose up, making Mu Xin's head full of oak residue.Coupled with the papery atmosphere of the paper cups, this down-and-out festival has a different flavor. Chu Hangsheng arranged the lunch boxes one by one: braised pork ribs, stewed chicken with mushrooms, cashew nuts and celery, mixed cabbage hearts, and put a plastic bag next to it, which contained two triangular pasta products. Chu Hangsheng explained that this was "candy with the characteristics of the provincial newspaper Bag". Curious, Mu Xin took one and took a bite, but there was no sugar; biting again, there was still no sugar. Seeing Chu Hang laughing, Mu Xin finally smiled, "Don't tell me that when you took the third bite, you accidentally realized that you bit too much." "Try it." Chu Hang raised his chin in a raised voice, and pointed at the sugar bag in Mu Xin's hand that had a big crescent gap. Mu Xin took another bite, and finally sticky sugar juice gushed out—it turned out that it was a triangular sugar bag with a huge belly. The first two bites missed the sugar juice, and the third bite must have been vicious, so he was caught, like Mu Xin scrambling to hide to prevent the sugar juice from dripping on his clothes. Chu Hang's voice seemed to be filled with joy, and he didn't know if it was because of Mu Xin's embarrassment, or because he finally managed to divert her attention, so he was self-satisfied.While handing Mu Xin a facial tissue, he laughed and said, "Look, this is a surprise sugar bag, telling you that there will be a turnaround at any time, and there will be a bright future." Mu Xin paused, wondering if he was implying something, just smiled and commented while wiping his hands: "It's delicious." After eating a mouthful of syrup, I only feel more sour when I drink red wine.But the smell of brown sugar mixed with the smell of red wine turned out to be a wonderful fragrance.Mu Xin felt that the taste of the red wine was becoming more and more mellow, and unconsciously drank half of the bottle, until Chu Hang smacked his tongue: "Your drinking capacity is really amazing." Mu Xin laughed at herself: "After entering the police, no, it's at the grassroots level. Are there any women who can't drink? Here, there is only a distinction between men and women, not men and women." Chu Hang was silent for a moment, then took a sip of wine after a while and said, "Let's go then. If you don't like it, you'll feel aggrieved if you stay there. But there's still one year left, so bear with it. If you have three years of experience at the grassroots level, you can join the organization department. Exam." "You know how difficult it is," Mu Xin sighed, and continued to drink, "Choose one out of a hundred, it seems that the proportion is not too tragic, but the problem is that all of them have passed the civil service examination and successfully promoted, and they are all civil servants. They all have experience at the grassroots level, and many of them specialize in writing materials at the grassroots level. But look at me again. I have been studying in the police academy for two years, answering the phone and organizing files. When have I ever done anything meaningful? Oh no, when I was helping the Municipal Bureau, I also wanted to sharpen my pen, but I was deported within two months. My mother-in-law...that is a wonderful flower." Chu Hangsheng touched Mu Xin's cup with the paper cup in his hand: "Actually, what you are doing is also meaningful. The reason why you think it is meaningless is because it does not require the professional knowledge you have learned before, but when you think about it , If you are in a dangerous situation, do you think that the most meaningful phone number is 110? At that time, when you hear the voice coming from inside, you will think that it is the voice of an angel." Mu Xin froze for a moment, then smiled after a while: "It seems to be true." "Then don't think about the past. Previous experience is the capital of academic qualifications or the training of learning ability, but it is not the basis for supporting the family in the present. People, the most important thing is to see the present," he said while turning the bag behind him. ，拿出两本红皮书，“闲着没事儿看看吧，总不能真的到了考试时再复习，临时抱佛脚太被动。” 穆忻定睛一看，竟是《行政能力测试》和《申论》。 她若有所思又有些感动地看着褚航声，低声说声“谢谢”，然后一仰头，把杯里的酒一口灌下去。红酒并不辛辣，但不知为什么，似乎有酒精窜到鼻子里，激起眼底浅浅的水花。 冬天到来的时候，穆忻终于结束在组织部帮忙的日子，回到分局，等待时过境迁后的再次分配。这次恰逢谷清出差，段修才皱着眉头看手里的值班表，说：“市局刚好在轮训，咱们科所有人都要参加。这阵子缺人，你也排进来一起轮值吧。每次去两个培训的，台子上留六个人。眼前的值班顺序全部打乱，基本上每24小时一个班，然后只能休一天，有意见吗？” 穆忻摇头，没说话。 段修才拿出笔改了几个地方，把值班表递给穆忻：“对照着值班吧。” 穆忻接过来，看见自己的值班时间是从当晚七点开始，到次日晚上七点结束。孟悦悦已经去了培训基地，所以穆忻的搭档换成了科里除她以外唯一的副主任科员石晓峰。 只有三十三岁的石晓峰，已经从警十五年。 这是穆忻晚上值班的时候才知道的。石晓峰是个健谈的人，第一次搭档值班就一边接着报警电话，一边从自己在警校读中专时的经历开始讲起，好像一场个人报告会。 他讲自己如何在高中的班上考倒数几名，成绩不好，毕业考不上大学，只能考中专。体能不错，就考上了警校。十八岁毕业，进派出所当民警，九十年代初市里有了巡警，他又进了巡警大队。后来市局要搞“110”“119”“120”的三台合一，警力不足，他就被调进了指挥中心。到这时他已经干了十几年的警察，而当年在巡警大队手把手带过他的队长已经是分局副局长。蒙副局长器重，他在从警第十五年的头上，终于有机会从普通科员提拔为副主任科员。听着虽然是虚职，但要知道在僧多粥少的公安分局，别说“副科长”，就一个“副主任科员”的虚职也是可以打破头的…… 石晓峰舒口气感叹：“前阵子我们小学同学聚会，我们班当初总考第一名的那哥们儿也来参加了。当初都是我抄他的作业，而且他也是我们班里唯一一个考上大学的。可是现在又怎样呢，还不是在批发市场卖文具？后来喝酒喝热闹了，他还跟我说'没想到，这些人里面，还属你混得最好'。我一想，可不是嘛。” 他的那句“可不是嘛”，带着一点自豪，一点得意，一点扬眉吐气的畅快，让穆忻说不清楚心里的滋味。 不过好在石晓峰已经自顾自往下讲：“咱局以前，在你对象杨谦进来之前，也进过一个研究生，还是省大的呢。” 这次穆忻倒是有些好奇了：“是吗，我怎么没有听说过？” “谁会给你说这个，不知道的还以为在咒你，也就我这胆大的敢说，还得知道妹妹你不是那种多心的人。”石晓峰笑呵呵的，穆忻顺势接过他扣过来的大帽子，只笑一笑，不再答话。 “那研究生来咱局后分在治安大队，来了没多久就辞职了，说是宁愿去他们老家一个没听说过的民办高校当老师，也不要当警察了，”石晓峰摇摇头，“这不是脑子不好吗？” “为什么辞职？” “说是嫌不自由，”石晓峰撇撇嘴，“还说他老婆在外企，赚得比他多，时间久了很没面子。当警察的晚上要值夜班，放假时间也不规律，又分在个穷山沟里——那时咱不还是县城吗？唉，反正一肚子牢骚。” 穆忻默然，心想：其实，自己也是这么嫌弃杨谦的吧？ “结果就是巧，前几天我去科技市场，遇见他了，你猜怎么着？”石晓峰看穆忻，当然也没指望她说什么，接着自问自答，“民办高校倒闭啦！他失业了，没办法，就去哪个培训学校教小孩电脑，哦对，他好像是计算机专业毕业的。” “计算机专业毕业？”穆忻叹口气，“如果咱单位把人家安排在网监或者技术侦察也算是发挥所长，治安大队……每个月统共也就需要他做一次数据整理的EXCEL表格吧？” “你是说大材小用？嘁，其实他有什么才？好不容易写篇公安简报，开篇第一句就是'在一个伸手不见五指的黑夜'，哎你别笑啊，后面还有一句是'犯罪嫌疑人摆出一副死猪不怕开水烫的架势，誓与民警共存亡'……” “还行，没写'在一个伸手不见黑夜的五指'。”穆忻点头。 “所以我就说，1念书有什么用？你没见现在社会上多少一毕业就失业的！现在的大学不行！教育理念、老师水平什么的，都不行！”石晓峰一边说一边摆手，痛心疾首。 穆忻言辞恳切：“其实我也后悔了，多念三年书，现在看来也用不上，公安这个活儿，就是要有丰富的经验，你说是吧，哥？” “你是明白人。”石晓峰赞叹，看穆忻的眼神再不像初始时那么探究，反倒多了些难兄难弟般的认同。 穆忻转回头去，一边看着电脑一边在心里苦笑。 你看，她现在学会了“踩”自己，往泥里踩，毫不留情。她已经记不清自己跟不同部门、不同年龄段的多少人表过忠心——学历算什么？读书有啥用？没有办案经验、酒量也不好、胆子也小、花拳绣腿，解决了“副科”是沾国家政策的光，其实国家政策也不科学，凭什么给一个新兵蛋子这么好的待遇呀？我本人都觉得汗颜。这辈子估计也就在副科岗位上老死了，毕竟是女同志嘛，一辈子也出不了什么成果，全靠哥哥们有朝一日混出头来多提拔…… 这些话说多了，穆忻觉得自己渐渐也真把这些话说出了惯性。有时候她也分不清哪些是拍马屁、哪些是顺水推舟，她只知道自己必须融入这个对她而言仍然有些陌生的群体。毕竟，这里极有可能是她要呆一辈子的地方，单是为了自保，有些话她必须要学会说，有些事她也必须要学会做。 不过好在，有些事她看透了，知道以自己的年纪而言，高层次的“勾心斗角”轮不着她；又以自己的毫无野心而言，低层次的“指桑骂槐”伤不着她。她只是脸皮比以前厚了一些，在大庭广众之下愈发百毒不侵而已。至于背人处那些没有平台施展专长的空虚、没有挚友分担牢骚也不敢随便发牢骚的抑郁，以及那些明明没有共同语言却不得不拼命找话题与中年欧巴桑们聊天的憋闷时光……她或许也曾经哭过，但后来，连哭都懒得哭了。 她想，自己要么是更强大了，要么就是更麻木了。 杨谦第二次出现在穆忻宿舍的时候，窗外已经开始飘雪花。在看不到杨谦的这段日子里，穆忻才发现原来公安分局也是个很大的单位——不过几百个民警，但因为办公地点分散在全区不同区域，许多人彼此之间并不认识；许多消息，除非有心，否则也无法获得。就好像事情闹到今天这样，除非是专门想要挑拨离间或是探听八卦的人，其他人也并不会在穆忻面前有意提起“杨谦”这个名字。 于是，穆忻渐渐对“行政机关”里面的人群有了更丰富立体的理解——他们并不像外界所说的每天都忙着尔虞我诈、欺世盗名，其实他们也是普通人，也是下班要路过菜市场买小青菜，并对农副产品疯长的物价和许久不见涨的工资痛心疾首；他们生活在一个时刻需要与人打交道的环境里，善于察言观色，所以总有人愈发擅长溜须拍马，但更多人不过是更晓得在什么地方说什么话而已。简言之，除了少数人越发“小人”以外，绝大多数人，倒是越发提高了情商。 毕竟，就算这是个培养“官僚”的环境，但也不是每个人都有机会成为“官僚”的。 很好，穆忻想，对于她这样的状况而言，大家当面选择的缄默与避讳，是对她最好的成全，至于背后会怎样说，则耳不闻为净了。那天穆忻因为帮人代班的缘故刚值完一个48小时的班——48小时里她没闲着地接派警，中间只能偶尔趴在值班台上眯一觉，这会儿身心俱疲，看人都有重影。 所以，杨谦的再次出现，对穆忻而言，有点像是小小使劲揉揉眼，再敲敲昏沉沉的头，只觉有些头疼起来的惊吓。 “回家吧。”杨谦靠在门口，开门见山，语气疲惫。他的眉头皱出“川”字形，脸色灰暗，不知道又是多少天没好好睡。 穆忻心一软，没反驳他，只是沉默着打开宿舍门，把杨谦让进去。中间有几个同事路过，看见这俩人在一起，只递过来一个招呼式的微笑，随即走远了。穆忻也并不在乎别人会怎样想，反正家家都有本难念的经，谁家也不比谁家好多少。 “回家吧，”杨谦进屋，转身关上门，脱掉身上有点被雪洇湿的外套，坐到床边，“我妈最近已经平静得差不多了，咱也不提以前的事了，回去好好过日子。” 穆忻心里酸酸的，不知道该说什么，只好找出一只纸杯，给杨谦倒杯水。然而递杯子过去的时候杨谦突然抓住她的手，温水洒出来，浇到穆忻手上，她忍不住低呼一声，却被杨谦猛地拽到怀里——再次窝到他颈边熟悉的位置时，穆忻差点掉出泪来。 这样熟悉的怀抱，久违了。 穆忻抬头，看见杨谦周身的一路风尘，知道他是从远处刚办案回来，便伸手摸摸他的脸颊，却感觉到他紧了紧自己的胳膊，把她更使劲地固定在自己怀里。他低头，在她颈边轻柔地亲吻，穆忻的眼眶又酸了，她吸吸鼻子，被杨谦听到，他索性轻轻拨开她身上毛衣的领口，在锁骨上反复吮吸，渐渐，呼吸就急促起来。 穆忻抬头看看尚未拉上窗帘的窗户，企图挣扎出杨谦的怀抱，却被杨谦再拽回去，直接摁倒在床上。 穆忻急了：“没拉窗帘！” 杨谦瞥一眼因为外冷内热而罩满了雾气的玻璃，低声答：“都模糊成这样了，谁能看见里面我佩服他！” 穆忻脸都红了：“别闹，这是宿舍，一会儿有人进来怎么办？” “结婚的都回家了，没结婚的都出去度周末了，谁跟咱似的牛郎织女……”杨谦没等穆忻回话便直接吻上她的唇，穆忻“呜呜”地发不出声音来，只好用手抵住杨谦的胸。但屋里的暖气太卖力，温度渐渐升上来，推三阻四倒像欲拒还迎。 杨谦的手一路探进穆忻的衣服深处，手掌和细腻皮肤贴在一起的时候他舒口气，感觉到这时一切才终于回到正轨。他的手掌沿蜿蜒的腰线上行，准确捉住不远处软绵绵、暖融融的一团，一切都那么熟悉——这个身体，这个人，皮肤的温度，每一颗小痣的位置……他不知道，是他确切地想通过这样的亲近获取安全感，还是本能的饥渴——因为习惯了的人突然撤离，而由空虚导致的饥渴。 他迫不及待的把面前碍事的毛衣推高，皮肤的香气呼啦一下子涌出来，他低头，把脸埋在面前柔软白腻的胸房之间，深深吸口气。他的胡茬扎在穆忻皮肤上，痒，以及微微的疼。穆忻推推他的脸，可是推不开，又担心有人闯进来，全身的肌肉都紧张地绷着。她一只手紧紧攥住衣襟，准备随时往下拉，另一只手却下意识地抚上杨谦的头发，抚几下，再一路下行，渐渐，也钻进他的衣领里去。 她不知道，她手心微微的湿意，在杨谦后颈上，点了一把火。 杨谦片刻不停，微微抬头，一口咬住面前高耸的那一处，穆忻“呀”地叫一声，手下使劲捏杨谦脖子处的皮肤以示报复。杨谦置之不理，只是自顾自吮咬得欢快。微弱的电流沿神经末梢飞速流窜，在越来越暗的屋子里噼噼啪啪地点燃。不知何时，穆忻觉得身上倏地一凉，紧接着是微烫的靠拢。杨谦的身上好像在冒火，他再也憋不住，挺身进入穆忻体内。当熟门熟路的湿热感紧紧缠绕上来的瞬间，杨谦深深喘口气。他抬头，看见穆忻迷蒙的眼神，不再针锋相对，也不再咄咄逼人，只是柔和娇弱的看着他的脸，又好像是在看远处。 杨谦低头，像以前无数次那样，吻她的眼睛、鼻尖、脸颊、嘴唇、脖颈、胸脯、耳垂……年轻的身体在窗外透进的微弱光影中起伏，连同女子娇羞的呼吸声，相互应和。当麻而痒的电网终于铺遍全身，当身体深处轰然炸出炫目火光，穆忻觉得，有什么东西，似乎凝固了。 没有更好，但也没有更坏——床头打架床尾和，原来真是这样。 眼泪终于从眼角坠落。 穆忻把脸埋进杨谦颈窝，然后感觉到杨谦的手轻轻拂过她的脸颊。 她听见他说：“回家吧，老婆。” 她没有点头，也没有抬头，她只是一下又一下轻抚他的后背。她不敢说自己已经看见悲观的轻雾四处飘散，她不知道未来的路通往何处，她甚至不知道将来会不会再次无路可走，但她想试试。 就让她，再试一试。