Chapter 19 Chapter 19 Past Events

In the morning, when I approached my father's ward, I heard chatter and laughter inside, and when I opened the door, I saw Song Yi and Malatang were there.Malatang looked at me nervously, and called timidly, "Manman." I smiled and said, "Why did you come so early? Isn't this intentional to set off my laziness in front of my dad?" Malatang's expression relaxed, but the embarrassment between his brows and eyes still remained. Dad saw that I was wearing a mask and asked worriedly, "Are you catching a cold?" I hurriedly said: "No." Just as I took off the mask slowly and embarrassedly, the door of the ward was pushed open, and a pot of delicate and beautiful apricot blossoms came into view.The flowers bloom so densely that people behind the flowers can't see clearly. They can only see the beautiful flowers of "Words are not true white, words are not as red as red", which makes people feel that spring has come.

With such a large pot of vibrant flowers in the ward, the smell of disinfectant faded unconsciously.Lu Licheng greeted his father while wiping his hands, and asked me naturally: "Does the scratch on the face still hurt? After choosing for a long time, I still haven't asked for the pot. I feel like I have been beaten." Malatang's face was red and white for a while.I immediately shook my head: "It doesn't hurt anymore, it looks scary, but it's actually very shallow." Dad said distressedly: "This girl, you can hurt yourself even if you pick a flower!"

I smiled: "It will be fine soon." After I waited for my father to have breakfast, the nurse came to push my father to go to treatment. As soon as they left, the room immediately became quiet. Malatang walked up to me and said in a low voice, "I'm sorry! I don't know about your family. I've been like a lunatic for a while. I saw Song Yi's message saying that I should go back to Beijing in a hurry, so I should hurry back as soon as possible. Beijing, I didn't think about what the urgent matter was, but I felt as if I was abandoned by someone, and I drank some wine on the plane, so I saw you..."

I interrupted her: "It was my fault first, if..." If I hadn't deliberately avoided you, I should have called you earlier, then there would be no misunderstanding later, but how could I not avoid you ?I can't face you and Song Yi at the same time.This is a knot that I don't know how to untie. I smiled wryly and shook Malatang's hand: "It doesn't matter." Malatang looked at me, hesitated to speak, and finally shook my hand, which seemed to settle the suspicion.However, I know that the gap between us is growing.If she is still my Malatang, she should point to my nose and ask me why I didn’t tell her so many things happened, she will ask me with a cold face if I am her sister, and she will hold me with a smile Let me slap her back.She would curse at me, and then cry with me.

But she didn't, she just said politely: "I have already talked to my mother, she said she will help me contact the best cancer specialist in Beijing." "thanks." The atmosphere in the ward was quiet and weird, and I said cautiously: "My dad's treatment will take a long time, so go and do your own things! I might have to go out later." Song Yi and Malatang got up to say goodbye, Malatang stood at the door and looked at me, never leaving, but never speaking, I felt so sad that I wanted to cry, I really wanted to hug her and said: "We are the same as before, okay? I would rather be scolded and scolded by you." But she couldn't say anything, and could only look at her silently. Finally, she smiled and said, "I'll come see you and uncle tomorrow."

Song Yi looked at Lu Licheng and me, the blackness in his eyes became heavier and heavier, he lowered his head, and left with Malatang. Seeing them walking away, Lu Licheng asked me, "What do you need to do? Do you need me to see you off?" "I received a call from the agent in the morning. Someone came to see the house. It's very convenient for me to go back by subway, so I don't bother you." He nodded and said nothing. I pointed to his flowers: "Thank you." He laughed: "Don't say 'thank you', I'm thinking of you 'going through fire and water for me in the future'!"

I was embarrassed by his smile. Not long after I said this, I lost my temper at him last night. Seeing my blushing, he stopped teasing me: "Then I'll go back first." "Ok." Help dad clean up the ward, say hello to the nurse, go home and take someone to see the house. The person who came to see the house was a middle-aged woman, who seemed to be helping her daughter buy a house. I don’t know if she really looked down on the house, or she kept talking about the shortcomings of the house in order to keep the price down. How was it decorated back then?The house is already small, why make the bathroom so big?Why install such a big bathtub?Why not just make it a shower?The bathtub color and style are also ugly.

I kept a blank face and listened silently.My father and I chose this bathtub together. The father and daughter traveled all over Beijing to find this favorite bathtub.After a tiring day, taking a hot bath here is so comfortable that people don't want to get up. Although this makes the room size smaller, I think it's worth it. She started to criticize my wallpaper again, why is only one wall covered with wallpaper?Why black and white?What exactly is this drawing?nondescript!If she bought a house, she would have to redo the entire wall... The agent became uneasy and smiled at me apologetically over and over again, but I just listened blankly.Thinking about it, a long time ago, on a sunny weekend, my mother and I painted the walls and pasted the wallpaper here. The two of us wore a small hat made of newspaper on our heads. I sang "I am a Painter, I'm good at painting, I want to paint the new house beautifully. Paint the roof and paint the walls..."

A voice at the door said coldly: "Chinese ink painting is black and white, and what you seek is the spirit, not the shape. If you don't know how to appreciate it, leave as soon as possible." The woman was furious and glared at the person at the door, but she saw that the woman at the door was wearing Chanel women's clothing and carrying the latest LV leather bag in her hand. She had a cold demeanor and sharp eyes. Selling a house, is selling a house still intolerant of criticism?" Before I could speak, the eldest sister smiled and said, "I want to sell it, but I don't intend to sell it to you. Please go!" The eldest sister made a gesture of invitation at the door. As soon as it was touched, it immediately wilted, and finally walked away while muttering.

I could only say "I'm sorry" to the intermediary, and the intermediary comforted me in a low voice: "I will introduce a good buyer next time." After appeasing me, he hurried to chase after the middle-aged woman to appease another client. The eldest sister slammed the door with a "bang": "Do you have to sell the house?" "Well, I probably won't be working for a long time." "That's right, in our business, when you're busy, you can work twelve hours a day. If you go to work, you won't even have enough time to rest for yourself, let alone go to the hospital. If you sell it, sell it! If you don't go to the old one, If you don’t get new ones, you’ll buy them later. But you sold your house, where do you live?”

"I'm renting a house." The eldest sister sat on my computer chair: "Su Man, I have something to discuss with you. You have seen my house. There are plenty of rooms. I live alone. You move here and share with me." "No, really no need." The eldest sister said angrily: "Don't refuse in a hurry, just listen to me and finish what I have to say, the rent is 1,500 a month. Don't think the rent is cheap, I haven't finished my terms yet, as long as you cook at home, you have to pay for it." Make one for me. I’m really tired of eating in restaurants, and I’m worried about hiring a nanny, who knows if she’ll spit in the dish.” I was silent and didn't speak, and the elder sister said again: "Su Man, move here! Maybe I really mean to help you, but you will help me too. We are mutually beneficial. Sometimes, when you come home from get off work, the house is empty. It is so quiet that I can hear the echo of my walking. I have long considered finding someone to live with, at least I can talk a few words when I go home. But my identity is there. If I find someone to share the rent, then Didn’t it become a joke of the entire company? Besides, I don’t dare to just find someone to live in. It’s easy to ask God to send God away! There are a lot of documents in my study that must not be leaked. If you move here, all my worries No more, I have solved my own problems, and gained a good reputation for helping others, and I can count it as one stone." I was moved by what my elder sister said. After all, selling a house is a must, and renting a house has also become a must, but renting a house that suits my heart is very difficult. The eldest sister was a little angry: "Su Man, I've already talked about this, what are you still pretending? Do you agree or not?" "Okay! When I'm cooking, it's okay to make you a side. However, I have to move all the furniture in this room." The eldest sister frowned and looked around my room, and said with a sad face: "Okay!" But things like wallpaper, bathtub, and washbasin cannot be moved away, but I will always carry the memory of them in my heart. After discussing with my eldest sister about moving, she said that I would be able to take care of my father with peace of mind.She is in charge of the moving, and ensures that all my needles and threads will be safely transported to her house. The next day, I was staying with my father in the hospital when Lu Licheng suddenly appeared, grabbed me aside, and asked angrily, "I just went to your house and saw a bunch of people moving things. Your house has already been sold? You Where do you live now?" I said: "It hasn't been sold yet. I'm moving to my eldest sister... Lin Qing, my former boss's house. Last time I took someone to see the house and found that my heart was not strong enough, and it took too much time." , So I simply don’t see it, I decided to hand over the keys to the agent after I move out, let them see, and I’ll just sign the contract later.” Before Lu Licheng could speak, Song Yi, who had just arrived, asked in surprise, "Are you going to sell the house?" I hurriedly made a soft gesture to him, signaling him not to let my father know: "Why are you all making such a fuss, that house is so small, I don't sell it now, and I will sell it in the future." Lu Licheng said to Song Yi: "I have no ability to persuade her, let's see what you can do." After finishing speaking, he left Song Yi and me and walked over to talk to my father. I also wanted to leave immediately, but Song Yi stopped me. Me: "Manman." I said softly, "Please call me Miss Su, or Su Man from now on." His hand stiffened and he let go of me, and I ran to my father immediately.Dad looked at Song Yi in the distance, and then at Lu Licheng nearby, with worry in his eyes. The three of us played billiards with our father. Malatang's company had already started work, so we came here after get off work. After we came, we also joined the battle. The key to playing this chess is to go as fast as possible and let others go as slow as possible.Five people played, and the chessboard was in a mess, almost full of chess pieces, and it was impossible to move.Dad is the same as before, trying to be as fast as possible, but he won't hurt me. Sometimes after he finishes dancing, he will give me a way and let me take a few steps. Song Yi is obviously making way for Malatang, seeing that Malatang's chess is about to be blocked, he always prefers to take a few less steps by himself and leave a way to survive.But he will not block my way, sometimes he can hurt me and make me go the slowest, but he will avoid it, pretending not to see that move. I didn't want to accept his favor, I pretended not to notice the way he gave way to, and I didn't go at all, I would rather make a new way by myself. Lu Licheng has no worries at all, taking advantage of the scruples of us people to build bridges and roads for himself, see empty checkers, see people harm others, and count him as the fastest walker. The five entangled for a long time before finally deciding the winner. Lu Licheng was first, his father was second, Malatang was third, I was fourth, and Song Yi was fifth. After playing chess, my father looked tired, and they all left one after another.I put my father to sleep, I thought he was already asleep, but my father suddenly asked: "Is Song Yi Xu Lianshuang's boyfriend?" "Ok." "How long?" "When I was in America." I want to explain a few more sentences, but I really don't know what to explain. My father didn't speak any more, and I sat for a long time, seeing that he had really fallen asleep, before I packed my things and went back to my eldest sister. Song Yi and Lu Licheng have already started work. I thought the days would be quieter, and I didn't want to get a call when I got up together in the morning. "Excuse me, is this Miss Su Man?" "I'm." "My surname is Wang. I'm Xu Lianshuang's mother. You can call me Aunt Wang." I immediately said: "Aunt Wang, hello." "Take the liberty to call you. That's it. Lian Shuang told me about you. I should have contacted you a long time ago, but Professor Chen, the best expert in this field, is having a meeting abroad, so I have been waiting until today. After a while, Professor Chen I will go to the hospital with a few experts to see your father, is it convenient for you?" "Convenience! Convenience! It's just..." I began to hesitate, how should I tell Dr. Zhang, is it too disrespectful for me to do this? "You don't have to worry. Professor Chen is Dr. Zhang's uncle. Dr. Zhang won't mind if Professor Chen goes to diagnose your father. My friend has already called the dean, and he welcomes him very much. It is a rare opportunity to exchange medical skills, after all, the experts who went this time seldom consulted together." Malatang's mother turned out to be such an exquisite lady, my worries were all gone, and I was only grateful: "Auntie, thank you!" "You're welcome, I'll see you at the hospital later." I ate something hastily and rushed to the hospital.Not long after, a middle-aged woman accompanied a gray-haired professor into the ward, and the dean and Dr. Zhang, who had already been waiting in the ward, stood up.I saw that the atmosphere was harmonious, and I put my heart down, and then I had the time to say hello to the woman next to me: "Are you Aunt Wang?" "Yes, Su Man?" "I'm." "Let's go out and sit, the doctors and nurses will take good care of your father." "OK." She led me to the downstairs of the hospital. The two ordered two cups of tea and sat down to drink.She is really a beautiful woman, Mala Tang is already very beautiful, but compared with her, she is still a bit inferior, it is not the facial features, but the charm. "Auntie, you are so beautiful!" "Ah? Really? Thank you." She laughed. "Actually, I already knew you. Thanks to you for taking care of Lian Shuang these years." "No! In fact, she has been taking care of me." She lightly touched the teacup with her palm, smiling silently, and I also silently waited for her next words.It is unlikely that she made a special trip to the hospital just to accompany Professor Chen to visit my father. "You are Lian Shuang's best friend and only friend. I have a few words to ask you." "Auntie, please tell me." "How much does Lian Shuang... like... Song Yi?" Her tone was very difficult. She didn't know whether the word "like" was a little sensitive to her, or the name "Song Yi" was unbearably heavy for her. I was stunned for a moment and replied: "I like it very much, very much." There was sadness in her eyes, but she still restrained herself very well, and asked with a smile: "Why doesn't she like Lu Licheng? Both her father and I have a good impression of Lu Licheng, and Lian Shuang treated him very well before. I asked her, she I also said that I like it, why did you suddenly date Song Yi?" I didn't know how to answer her, she smiled and said: "I know these questions, I should ask my daughter directly, but..." She lowered her eyes to hide the sadness in her eyes, "She rarely talks to me Every time I try to talk to her, she gets impatient. If I talk too much, we fight and I'm a very failed mother." I thought for a while and said, "Lian Shuang liked Song Yi before, she said she fell in love with him five or six years ago, not suddenly." "What?" Aunt Wang turned pale, "Impossible! She couldn't see anyone six years ago!" "She said that she had never met Song Yi, she had only heard Song Yi's voice, but she just fell in love with this voice." Aunt Wang stared straight at me with disbelief in her eyes. Her expression made people feel the grief and helplessness in her heart.I tried my best to calmly say: "She likes Song Yi very much, and Song Yi also likes her very much. However, she told me that both you and uncle like Lu Licheng, so she has been keeping it from you. Auntie, try to help them!" "Song Yi likes Lian Shuang? Song Yi likes Lian Shuang?" Aunt Wang sneered sadly, "He's a liar!" Aunt Wang tried to restrain herself, but her hands were shaking, "I won't agree! Her father Not to agree! She absolutely can't be with Song Yi. It's not enough for Song Yi to harm one of our daughters, should he harm the other?" From her appearance to just now, she has been very measured in her words and actions, but now she has lost her composure to this point, and I was so shocked by her words that I couldn't figure out what she said for a long time. "Auntie, you... you said... Mala Tang... Lian Shuang has a sister?" Seeing my appearance, Aunt Wang asked sadly, "Did Lian Shuang never tell you that she has a sister?" I shook my head: "When I first met her, she asked me if I had siblings? I said no, I was the only child, and she said she did too." The aunt said softly: "Forgive her, okay? She didn't mean to lie to you. From the bottom of her heart, maybe she really always thought that she was the only one, and it was all my fault. " I can't digest the information in my head, but I can't let a mother apologize to me so humbly, and can only promise indiscriminately: "I don't blame her." "Thank you! Lian Shuang has been with you in the past few years, and I have never been happier than before. She has become cheerful and positive. Although her father and I are embarrassed to thank you in person, we are always grateful to you. Now, I I want to ask you one more thing, I hope you can agree." "What's up?" "Lian Shuang's father doesn't know about them now, and he will definitely be furious when he finds out. We will never let Lian Shuang and Song Yi be together. At that time, Lian Shuang's relationship with us will be more tense, and it may cause trouble. You can enlighten her more." "I don't understand, why can't I be with Song Yi? Auntie, I have known Song Yi for many years, and I can guarantee with my life that Song Yi is a good person." My emotions also fluctuated, and my voice was a little out of control. "Absolutely impossible!" She shook her head resolutely, "Lian Shuang's father will never forgive him! Song Yi is definitely not with Lian Shuang because he likes Lian Shuang, he is only for himself, this girl Lian Shuang is too naive Already!" Her attitude was very decisive, no matter what I said, she refused to say more, she just asked me to spend more time with Lian Shuang and explain her more.I was worried about my father and thought that the results of the consultation with several experts should come out, so I could only say goodbye to her. Back in the ward, my father hadn't come back yet. After waiting for another hour, the nurse pushed my father in.Probably because the lineup of doctors frightened her today. Although she doesn't know who I am, at least she must be able to invite so many national masters to gather together. Therefore, she is very kind and considerate to me and my father. She accepted all her kindness and thoughtfulness, acting as if I was indeed someone, and the nurse became even more cautious. Hospitalization is an ordeal, not only physically, but also mentally.I have experienced this deeply five years ago, and now I only hope that no matter what method is used, my father will receive the greatest respect and care when he is hospitalized in the future.As for the favors owed, I am willing to do my best to repay. Professor Chen and Dr. Zhang analyzed my father's condition in detail. Professor Chen formulated a new medical plan, and he added some new medicines. Some medicines have not been approved for import in China, but he can prescribe them to me in the name of medical research. Father. I signed the consent form without hesitation, after all, this was the first hope I had heard in days. Back in the ward, my father was in good spirits, and I was also in a good mood. A nurse came to bring us hot water. I used to call them myself. Before she left, she politely said that she could call them anytime she needed help. My father smiled and said to me: "My family's vines are promising, and my father will follow suit." I shook his arm and said, "Your vines are blooming and everyone loves her. Friends are willing to help her." Dad stroked my head and smiled, and after a while, worry appeared in his eyes again, "Manman, you... Song Yi..." He finally couldn't bear to continue, sighed softly, and changed the subject, "Young man Lu Licheng It looks good, thanks to his help during this time." I smiled, hugged his arm, squeezed to him, and lay down with him: "Dad, tell me a story! I want to hear the story of your youth, and how did you know... Mom's. "I hesitated, and spit out the mother I hadn't mentioned in front of my father for a long time. Dad smiled, eyes narrowed: "It's been a long time, your mother..." Dad glanced at me and sighed, "You are really not as handsome as your mother, your forehead is like your father's, not good-looking!" I moaned and refused to agree: "I asked you to tell me how you met your mother. Why do you speak ill of me? If you want to speak ill of me again, I will be angry." "Okay, okay! Let me tell you. At that time, I was a truck driver and I didn't pull people. That day, your mother was in a hurry and was going to the city. She heard that I was going to the city to pick up goods, so she came to ask me to take the goods. She took a ride. I didn't pay attention to what she looked like at the beginning, but I remembered that her two braids were swinging back and forth, making my eyes dazzled. Her hair was really fragrant, and there was a fragrance of Sophora japonica in the carriage... " The father's smile was not as forced as usual, and his happiness was very real, as if he had returned to that winter afternoon when he was nervously leading a young girl along the road, and the fragrance of her hair could be smelled in the carriage.He couldn't hear what she said at all, he only heard his own heart beating like it was about to jump out of his chest... I leaned on my father's shoulder and smiled happily.They were once so happy, and this happiness, as long as there is memory, will not go far.Song Yi is right, for his father, he is willing to talk about his mother, because that is his joy and happiness, she has never left, and she will always live in his heart. My daily life is monotonous and busy. I get up in the morning to make breakfast for my father, and then go to the hospital to accompany my father.While he was being treated, I took the dirty clothes home to wash, cooked lunch, went to the hospital to see my father, had lunch with him, chatted, played chess, took a walk with him, and then had dinner together. We talked a lot together. My father told me about his childhood, every little thing about him and my mother, and stories about my grandparents. I often lost track of the time and the nurse was coming to catch up. I go. My father's body was getting worse and worse from the chemotherapy, and his hair gradually fell out. When the side effects were severe, he curled up in pain, but I couldn't do anything, I could only stand by and watch my father's pain.Often when he was in pain, I rushed to the bathroom, hid and cried a lot.After crying, I went back to be with my father and let him tell me stories. With my savings almost gone, I called the agent and asked how the house was doing.The intermediary said excitedly: "Don't worry. Now two of you are interested in your house. I'm raising the price with both sides. It's already 60,000 more than we expected." I don't understand: "What's going on?" "At the beginning, a woman came to see the house. She said she was buying it for investment. She saw that the location was easy to rent out, and she said that the house was well maintained. She agreed to the price of 600,000 yuan. We were about to sign a contract. Another The old lady who inspected the house looks very rich, and she also likes your house, especially the paintings on the wall. I heard that someone wants to buy it, so I added 10,000, and we will talk to the original house. , that one added 20,000, we told the old lady again, the old lady added another 30,000 in one breath, now it is 660,000, we are planning to call the other one to see if she will increase the price or give up .” I calculated in my heart, and after excluding the money I owed to the bank and the handling fees to the intermediary, I would probably have a net loss of 300,000 yuan, which was already higher than my expectation. "I'm really bothering you, I'm in a hurry to use the money now, please try to sell it for me before next week." "Okay, no problem, we will help you get the best price." "Thank you!" I really don't have to worry about this, the intermediary takes a commission proportionally, the better the price, the more they get. The eldest sister was drinking the soup I left for her in the kitchen. When she heard the conversation between me and the agent, she looked relieved and said in a low voice, "It's okay, it's okay! Although I'm in a hurry to sell, the price is not bad." I said: "Dad helped me choose that house back then. I wanted to buy another house that was cheaper, but my father said that the location is good. Although it is a little more expensive, it will be easy to sell in the future. , but with a good eye." The eldest sister sat beside me with a bowl: "Su Man, have you seen Song Yi these days?" "Occasionally, he would visit my dad after get off work and play chess with my dad." "How is he?" I looked at the elder sister incomprehensibly: "Shouldn't he be fine?" The eldest sister nodded: "He should have a hard time recently." "why?" "I didn't understand it either. It seems that he didn't handle his domestic relationships well. The top leaders of several big companies didn't like him very much. All the customers he was in charge of were handed over to Lu Licheng. Others A lot of customers have also gone away, and now he is still running several branches of foreign companies in China, but the business volume is very small. I heard that he has been dismissed. This has a great impact on MG. There are rumors that Well, the old men in New York are very disappointed with him. Maybe Song Yi will leave MG. But with his appearance, no matter how good his business ability is, if he can't keep customers, no investment bank in China will dare to take him. Maybe, he I can only return to the United States." The eldest sister was confused, "I don't understand now, whether Song Yi is too weak or Lu Licheng is too strong, how did the situation suddenly become clear? I was expecting them to fight for 300 rounds! It's so abnormal ! When you saw Song Yi, he didn't look strange at all?" I shook my head, I didn't look at him carefully at all, and I really didn't know if there was anything unusual about him.What's more, his thoughts are always hidden very deep, even if there is something strange, I can't see it. "Where's Lu Licheng? I went to the hospital to pick you up once, and saw that he was also in the hospital. He shouldn't have gone there more than that time, right?" I thought about it and shook my head: "He is the same as before, nothing special." The eldest sister cooed and said, "Su Man, you seem to be very lucky in love. I confess honestly, which one do you like?" "Crazy! When Song Yi came to visit my father, he always came with Malatang. Lu Licheng also had other reasons. Besides, you have already visited my father, so you can't allow Lu Licheng and me to be friends and also visit my father." ?” The eldest sister completely ignored other words, and only asked in shock: "Song Yi and Xu Lianshuang are together?" I nod. The eldest sister almost jumped up from the sofa: "That...that's impossible! Xu Lianshuang..." She looked at me and closed her mouth. I said: "I already know that Xu Lianshuang's father is Xu Zhongjin." The eldest sister can finally vomit quickly: "Yes! You finally know! Song Yi has such a towering tree, how can he not manage customer relations well? No need to do it, customers will flatter him." "This big tree doesn't like Song Yi very much. I think he is forcing Song Yi to leave China. Song Yi's life will become more and more difficult in the future." The eldest sister was dumbfounded, and began to fight for Song Yi again: "What's wrong with Song Yi? Our Tsinghua school grass-level figures must be good-looking, talented, and virtuous! Xu Lianshuang from his family has no growth He has two more eyes than others, so why does he bully people like this?" "I thought you were going to Licheng Lu." The eldest sister said with embarrassment: "I am Xiang Lu Licheng. I am a turkey like Lu Licheng. I achieved success through my own hard work step by step. However, because of the unfair employment strategies of these foreign companies, we cannot climb to the top of the pyramid. I Of course, towards him, I wish he could drive Song Yi away. But, after all, Song Yi, Lu Licheng and I are all people who conquer the world with our hands, no more privileged than Xu Lianshuang. All of our hard work is because someone doesn't I like you, but you say that you will be destroyed if you are destroyed, I feel depressed in my heart! I feel uncomfortable! I feel so unfair!" I don't say anything, what is fair in this world?Why did mom die?Why is Dad sick?Why does the person I love love someone else?It seems that in this world, happiness, success, and happiness have never had anything to do with fairness. "Su Man, say something!" I stood up and walked to my room: "I want to call Malatang." After dialing this once very familiar but now somewhat unfamiliar number, Malatang answered the phone as soon as it rang. "Cranberry?" "Well, how are you now?" "I'm very good." The two of them were silent, they didn't know what to say, but they didn't say to hang up the phone, the time passed by in silence, and finally, Malatang said: "I'm hanging up." I said: "OK." I hung up the phone, but my heart felt as if it was about to explode. I turned on the computer, logged into QQ, and she was there. I didn't want to pretend to be polite anymore, and said straight to the point: "The last time I saw your mother, your mother said you have a sister." Malatang was shocked for a long time before replying to me: "In my heart, only you are my sister." "Where is your sister?" "She's not my sister, her name is Xu Qiu." "Alright, where is Xu Qiu now?" "She's dead." This time it was my turn to reply after being shocked for a long time: "How did you die?" "She went to the United States after graduating from university and stayed in the United States to work. I didn't care about the details. I only know that she went to play in Yellowstone Park with her friends. They crossed the line and overtook another car and collided head-on with the opposite car. She died after rescue efforts failed. " All the details and all the questions are connected together at this moment, and I finally vaguely understand the cause and effect, the sadness that can never be melted in Song Yi's eyes, the unconcealable hatred in Malatang's mother's eyes, and Song Yi. Why can Yi understand Dad's thoughts so well. "Where's your friend hanging out with your sister?" "I don't know, I don't care. I don't care about anything about her. Maybe you think I'm cold-blooded, but that's what I am. When she was alive, I hated her. After she died, I can only say that I I don't hate her anymore, but I will never forgive her for what she did to me and my mother, the pain she caused me, I need to forget it for the rest of my life, how do you ask me to forgive her?" "Can you tell me about your childhood? I want to know." "What did my mother tell you?" "She didn't say anything, she just said that you don't have a sister in your heart, it's all her fault." Malatang made a laughing emoji, I didn't know how to comfort her, so I could only send her a hug. She wrote: "Well, let me tell you, I thought these things were buried forever, and I didn't expect to see them again one day." "I invite you to drink, the old place in the old bar." I seem to be able to see Malatang's dazed expression, how long has it been since we visited our old place? She entered the word "good", and her profile picture quickly darkened.I also immediately put on my clothes, picked up my handbag and went out. The owner of the bar saw me and Malatang, and before we could speak, he had already poured us two glasses of wine: "I treat you to celebrate the reunion of old friends, and to celebrate that you are still there. You haven't come for so long, I thought you came from a sea of ​​people, Disappeared in the crowd again." Malatang and I toasted, touched each other lightly, and smiled at each other after gulping it down.The boss put the mixed wine and ice cubes in front of us and walked away quietly. Malatang and I didn't use ice cubes, we just drank one small cup after another, one cup for you, one cup for me, pouring it down like pouring water, and Malatang started talking only after he was three minutes drunk. "My mother is not my father's first wife. Xu Qiu is the daughter of my father and his ex-wife. Because she was born in Autumn, her name is Xu Qiu. When Xu Qiu was three years old, her mother died. Two years later, my mother was pregnant with her. I married my father, and I was born not long after. I heard that because I was born in summer, I should have been called Xu Xia, but Xu Qiu didn't like it. She said that summer is earlier than autumn. My father thought of a new name for me. It was named Lian Shuang. As soon as I was sensible, Xu Qiu told me her mother’s small characters ‘Shuang’, Lian Shuang, Lian Shuang, thanks to my dad for being able to figure it out, and thanks to my mother for being able to accept it!” Malatang sneered: "Xu Qiu's mother is a beauty, a different type of beauty from my mother. Her mother is really beautiful, but her mother's facial features are actually ordinary." She rummaged through her bag for a while, and threw a photo to me. The woman in the photo is wearing a black dress and a wide straw hat, standing in front of a cathedral. Because it is a full-body photo, and the photo has been rubbed, it is difficult to see the woman's facial features clearly, but the eye-catching eye-catching makes people immediately understand that this is a cathedral. A remarkable woman. "This is a photo of Xu Qiu, with the Notre Dame Cathedral in the background. Her mother is very similar to her. In other people's words, she is a very, very temperamental woman. Her mother and father are college classmates. I heard that her grades are better than her father's, and she is better than her father. Joined the party early, and was also the party introducer of my father. Their department specializes in producing strong women, and now XX is their senior sister. I heard that Xu Qiu's mother had a very good relationship with her back then." Mala Tang reported to a Chinese Familiar name. "My mother never went to college, let alone stayed abroad. She started working after graduating from junior high school. Because she was honest, reliable, and good-looking, she worked as a secretary all the way and worked under my father. Not as high as now. After Xu Qiu's mother passed away, my mother was the first to marry my father amidst the envy and envy of everyone. But I am afraid that only she knows the bitterness after the glory. My father is always infatuated. He still has a picture of his ex-wife hanging in his study, and he named me Lian Shuang. During the holidays, no matter how windy or snowy, cloudy or sunny, he will visit his ex-wife’s grave. No matter how many times we move, our family will always be There is another woman. I have been thinking about it for a few years. If God gives my mother another chance, will she marry my father? But now I don’t even have the interest to think about it. I think My mother is enjoying herself, maybe she didn't care all the time, she only cares that my father can let her live the life she wants to live." Malatang raised his neck and poured a glass of wine: "Xu Qiu is a very special girl. She inherited her mother's intelligence and beauty, and her father's scheming. It can be said that she is the perfect match between the two of them." Crystallization. When I tell others, no one will believe it. When I was three years old, she would say to me: "Xu Lianshuang, do you know? My father doesn't like your mother at all, he always loves me妈妈，你妈妈只不过就是我们家的保姆而已。'我妈妈的确也就是一个保姆，她照顾她爸爸的衣食起居，照顾许秋的衣食起居，所有人都盯着她看，等着看她这个后母的笑话，所以妈妈每一个举动、每一句话都小心翼翼，可怜兮兮地讨好许秋。人家都是可怜有后母的孩子，却不知道许秋根本不是灰姑娘，她其实是那个恶毒的后母，我妈妈才是那个受尽欺凌的灰姑娘。没有人的时候，她对妈妈呼来喝去，把我妈妈完全当佣人，可只要有人在场，她就装文静、扮乖巧，她永远都是那个善良的、等待别人同情赞美的女孩。没人的时候，她打我，她甚至故意当着我妈妈的面挑我的错，可我妈妈不说她，反倒说我不该去打扰姐姐，应该让着姐姐。她用圆规针刺我，把大头针放在我床上，把我第二天要交的作业扔掉。” 麻辣烫看向我：“蔓蔓，你知道吗？有一段时间，我一看见她，身体就会发抖，而我妈妈……我妈妈她总是说我要让着姐姐，我已经躲到墙角里，甚至听到她说话的声音，我就主动消失，可她仍然不放过我，我真的不知道我还能如何让她。” “你为什么不告诉你爸爸？” “我爸爸？”麻辣烫冷笑，“在许秋去世之前，我想他大多时候都想不起他还有一个女儿。对他来说，许秋才配做许仲晋的女儿，才是他爱的结晶，我只是他没有控制好自己男人欲望的副产物。” 麻辣烫淡淡地笑着，可让人觉得她似乎在流泪：“许秋在很小的时候，已经知道如何吸引爸爸的全部注意力，她从不允许爸爸多看我一眼。有一次我要文艺汇演，我和爸爸说老师希望家长能去，爸爸答应了，可是第二天许秋就生病了，爸爸要陪伴她，而我妈妈要照顾他们。所以，在学校的文艺汇演上，别的小朋友都被家长前簇后拥，只有我是孤零零的一个人，很长一段时间，学校的几个老师都以为我是孤儿。还有一次，妈妈的朋友送我一辆自行车，我就央求爸爸教我，爸爸答应了，许秋说她要一块儿去，然后许秋摔断了腿，并且得了'自行车恐惧症'，爸爸把所有视线范围内的自行车都送了人。蔓蔓，你能相信吗？许秋从自行车上摔下去的时候，我真的看到她在冲我笑，眼中全是蔑视，可是连我自己都怀疑是自己眼花了。这样的例子太多，多得我可以和你说三天三夜。” 麻辣烫向我举了举酒杯：“干杯！”我立即举起酒杯，陪她喝了一满杯，“许秋从小到大没考过第二名，她把压岁钱省下来，捐给希望工程。她主动给差学生补课，她能歌善舞、能说会道，她是老师眼中最好的学生，父亲眼中最优秀的女儿。而我呢？我沉默寡言，总是躲在阴暗的角落里，学习成绩差，我的大学是爸爸动用了关系才能上的，虽然这对爸爸不算什么，可是我知道他觉得很丢人。许秋在所有人眼中几乎是个完美的人，只有我知道，她是恶魔，可我不能告诉任何人她是恶魔。如果我告诉别人，别人就会觉得我是嫉妒中伤她，我才是邪恶的魔鬼，竟然伤害那么善良纯洁的许秋，就连我妈妈都不相信我。她一厢情愿、可怜兮兮地巴结着许秋、讨好着父亲，从不肯相信许秋看她就如看一个佣人！很多时候，我常常怀疑自己是不是得了被害妄想症，其实许秋从来没有对我不好，所有的一切都是我幻想出来的。我天天晚上失眠做噩梦，我曾经看过一段时间的心理医生，却一点用都没有。可等许秋大学毕业出国后，她走的第一个晚上，我一觉睡到第二天十二点，我终于确定我没有病，我只是怕她，怕得日日不能安睡。蔓蔓，我不管别人是否觉得我冷血，我只知道她让我没有了妈妈，没有了爸爸，让我失去了整个童年和少年，我至今仍会梦见她，从噩梦中哭醒。我要用一生去遗忘她给我的伤害，我要很努力才可以摆脱噩梦，让自己做一个自信快乐的人。我不能原谅她，不管她是生是死！” 麻辣烫盯着我：“蔓蔓，你相信我说的话吗？” 我重重地点头：“我相信！” “中国人都喜欢说人死万事空，你会介意我不原谅许秋吗？” “不！但是我希望你最终会遗忘她，没有刻意的遗忘，无所谓原谅不原谅，只是压根儿想不起这个人！” 麻辣烫轻轻地抱住我，头贴着我的脖子，我感觉有湿湿的液体流淌在我的肌肤上，我搂着她，默默地喝着酒。 我虽然知道麻辣烫有一个异样张扬热烈的灵魂，但是我从来不知道她为了这份张扬、热烈需要克服多大的心理阴影，又需要付出多少的努力。 麻辣烫一直伏在我肩头，我的半个肩膀都已经湿淋淋，她似乎要把她童年、少年的委屈和痛苦都哭出来。我一杯一杯地喝着酒，想着她小时候，躲在角落里，看许秋和爸爸谈笑。无论她如何努力，爸爸都看不到她，她只能转身去找妈妈，却发现连妈妈也看不见她，她只能一步步退回自己的小黑屋，小黑屋里还有许秋给她备好的钉子，随时等着扎她。想到我小时候，妈妈给我做衣服，按照最时新的样式做，做好后，所有人都以为是买的，她自己舍不得买蕾丝睡衣，可舍得给我买蕾丝裙子。爸爸给我用破轮胎做橡皮筋，我有了一条全班最酷的橡皮筋，每次下课，我都大喊“谁要跳皮筋”，所有女生都围着我嚷“我玩”，我得意快乐地笑着。可这么爱我的人竟然一个已经去世，一个正在被病魔折磨。 不知道是怜惜她，还是怜惜自己。不知不觉中，我也开始掉眼泪，两个人抱着头，泪水哗啦哗啦地往下掉。 哭了很久后，我问出了心中的另一个疑问。 “麻辣烫，你能给我讲一下你是怎么第一次见到宋翊的吗？” 麻辣烫已经有七分醉，听我提到宋翊，她笑了：“五年前，不对，已经快六年了。六年前，我的肾脏出了问题，只能等待器官移植，却一直没有等到合适的器官。爸爸年轻的时候，在西藏工作受过伤，不能捐献器官。妈妈想给我一个肾，可医生说她身体不好，手术危险太大，我也坚决不同意，我和妈妈的关系就是在这个时候缓和了一点。后来我的肾脏渐渐衰竭，血压上升，压迫视网膜，我的视力逐渐弱化，到后来近乎完全失明，却仍然没有合适的肾脏。妈妈再次提出她要给我一个肾，爸爸没有办法，只能带我们去美国，看美国的医疗技术能否进行安全的手术。美国的医生检查完妈妈的身体后，也反对进行手术，本来已经绝望，没想到，我运气很好，在美国，我等到了合适的肾脏。” “你就是那段时间遇见宋翊的？” “嗯！那段时间，我非常悲观和绝望，我不明白老天让我来世上一趟究竟是什么用意，我从没有快乐过，本以为许秋离开中国，我获得了新生，可老天又让我生病，似乎老天就是要不停地折磨我。我总是一个人坐在自己的黑暗中，和谁都不说话。我有整整三个月，一句话不说，不管妈妈如何哭求我，我都不说话。后来，有一天，我听到一个人在哭。我从没听过一个男人能哭得那么伤心，哭得我都想和他一起哭，我终于从自己的黑暗中探出了一个触角，我问他：'你为什么哭？'他居然听得懂中文，停止了哭声，似乎很惊讶角落里除了他还躲着一个人，大概他看到我眼睛上的纱布，就问我：'你的眼睛怎么了？'我告诉他：'因为我上辈子做错了事情，上帝要惩罚我，所以让我变成瞎子。'他说：'不是的，上帝只是为了让你今后的色彩比别人更绚烂，所以现在给你黑暗。'后来我又在那个秘密角落里碰见过他，他给我读书，陪我说话，他给我的黑暗世界中投入最灿烂的阳光。他真是我的天使，就在我遇到他的第三天，医生告诉我有了合适的肾脏，我激动地要护士推我到秘密角落，想把好消息第一个告诉他，可我却再没见过他。我问妈妈和护士，没有一个人说见过这样一个人，他就好像是我幻想出来的天使，牵着我的手走过最黑暗的日子，等我见到阳光时，他却消失在阳光下。” 麻辣烫唇齿不清地问我：“你说，我怎么可能不爱守护自己的天使？” 麻辣烫终于醉晕过去，我也浑身发软，给大姐打电话，请她来接我们。 大姐和老板两个人才把麻辣烫和我塞进车里，麻辣烫醉梦里又是笑、又是哭，一时叫妈妈，一时又叫爸爸，一会儿叫我的名字，一会儿叫陆励成的名字，一会儿又叫宋翊的名字。 我突然拍车门，大叫：“我要下车。” 大姐气结：“你还想干什么？” 我摇摇晃晃地爬下车，招手拦计程车：“我要去见一个人。” 大姐要拉，没拉住，我已经钻进计程车，报上了地址。The eldest sister had no choice but to give the driver a one hundred yuan ticket and asked him to take me to my destination. I walked top-heavy, and when I reached the door, I slammed on the door and slid down.宋翊一开门，我就整个人趴到了地板上。 他忙把我抱进去，放到沙发上，又想给我去泡茶，我拽住他：“宋翊，你究竟爱不爱麻辣烫？” 他淡淡说：“你喝醉了！我去给你倒杯茶。” 他想起身，我一把圈住他的腰，阻止他离开：“我很清醒，从没有过的清醒。你告诉我，你究竟爱的是麻辣烫，还是爱她体内许秋的肾脏？” 他本来正在拉开我的手，闻言，身体剧烈一震，脸色刹那间就苍白得一点血色都没有。好一会儿后，他才失魂落魄地问：“她知道了？” 我想哭，却哭不出来，只能笑：“没有！你们都瞒得如此辛苦，我怎么敢让她知道？” 他缓缓地弯下身子，坐在了地板上。我躺在沙发上，恰好能看见他的脸，他的眼睛中全是哀伤，沉重得似乎下一刻就会压垮他，而他眼中那个小小的我，何时已经泪流满面？Am I not laughing all the time? 我去遮他的眼睛：“不要这样看着我，我没有怪你，我永远不会怪你。” 他把我的手按在了他的脸上，掌心里一片冰凉，他的声音从我的指缝间传出，低沉得我要凝神，才能捕捉到。 “我到美国后，在一次朋友聚会上认识了许秋。她太光彩照人，没有人能无视她，她对我似乎也青眼有加，我约她，她没有拒绝。所以，我们就开始约会，水到渠成地成为了男女朋友，周围所有的同学朋友都祝福我们，说我们是男才女貌、男貌女才，天造地设的一对。许秋比我早毕业，早工作，她的性格很好强，工作上肯定压力很大，有时候脾气会有点暴躁，我那个时候年轻气盛，不但帮不上她，还不能包容她，常常和她吵架。后来，我们决定远离都市，好好谈一谈，我们坐飞机到盐湖城，然后从那里租车去黄石公园，我的原意是想借着山水，两个人好好沟通一下，可不知道为什么，我们又吵了起来，越吵越凶，她气得大叫：'我们分手！'当时我们前面有一辆房车，开得很慢，我心头憋着火，看是虚黄线，允许越道超车，就猛踩油门，开到了对面车道上，想要超车。我不记得她当时说了什么话，只记得我也非常生气，就冲她大叫：'你想分手，那我们就分手！我也永不想再见你！'听到她的惊叫声，我看到一辆吉普车飞速地开向我们，我剧烈地打方向盘，可是已经晚了，和吉普车相撞后，我只感觉车在不停地翻滚，然后我就失去知觉。等我再醒来的时候，我的腿骨折断，她却仍在重危病房。我不停地向上帝祈求，希望他能原谅我，可他还是带走了许秋。许秋的爸爸在许秋弥留的三天内，头发足足白了一圈，许秋去世的时候，他差点要当场杀了我。他不停地骂我是凶手，质问老天为什么带走的不是我，而是许秋。他不知道，我真的宁可撞死的是我，我宁愿活着的是许秋。” 难怪他会如此理解我的父亲，原来他们有类似的经历，我当时就该想到的，这世界没有无缘无故的理解。 There is a wet liquid in my palm, dripping coldly along my fingers. “我总是想着车祸前，我对她说的最后一句话竟然是：'那好，我们就分手！我也永不想再见你。'如果这世上有时光倒流，我愿意下十八层地狱，去挽回我所说过的话。” 我不知道能说什么，我只知道自己的心很痛、很痛，他的泪水似乎全变成了尖锐的刺，刺在我心上。 “你爱麻辣烫吗？” 他回答不出来。 我又问：“那你爱我吗？” 他转过了头，眼睛看着别处，清晰地说：“我爱许秋。” 我的身子无法克制地抖着。 他站起来，拉远了和我的距离，就如在我和他之间划下天堑：“我送你回去。” “不用，我自己能来就能回去。”我歪歪扭扭地走到门口，拉开了门，却又转身看向他，“麻辣烫值得一个男人全身心爱她，而不是一个人赎罪和自我惩罚的工具。” 我晕晕乎乎地走出大厦，一出大厦，我的眼泪就如决堤的河水一般，开始疯狂地坠落。If the person I love loves a living person, I can be more beautiful than her, more gentle than her, and more considerate than her, but who can tell me, if the person I love loves a dead person, what should I do? How to fight for it? 死亡将美丽凝固，将丑陋淡化，将内疚扩大，将瞬时变成永恒。不管麻辣烫的母亲有多美丽温柔，麻辣烫的父亲仍然用一生去怀念亡妻。In front of Xu Qiu's solidified beauty, I am as humble as nothing. I cried as I walked, and I cried as I walked. 深夜的街头并不安全，三个喝醉的人经过我身边时，拦住了我，“小姐，不要一个人喝酒呀！和我们一起去喝一杯。” 我低着头，想绕过他们，他们却几个人散开，将我围起来：“哭什么？我请你去喝酒，要哭哥把肩膀借给你。”男子一边说，一边来拉我，我哭叫起来：“放开我，不然我报警了。” 他们哄笑：“警察叔叔要来了，我们好怕呀！” “放开她！”宋翊的声音突然响起，他竟然一直跟在我身后。 三个男的看宋翊衣冠楚楚的样子，大笑起来：“就你小子还想替人出头？都不够我们一个打的。”一边说着，一边把我又往他们身边拽。 拽我的人还没反应过来，“砰”的一记上勾拳，结结实实地打在他下巴上，他踉跄着向后退去，宋翊没等另外两个人反应过来，回身就连着一脚一拳踢打在另一个人小腹上，那人痛得弯下了腰，蹲在地上起不来。第三个人此时才摆好打架的姿势，怒吼了一声“操你妈的”冲上来。 我捡起他们丢在地上的啤酒瓶，他刚冲到宋翊面前，我一啤酒瓶子砸到他后脑勺上，他摇摇晃晃了两下，脸上的表情很戏剧化，不能相信地瞪着我们：“你丫的够狠……”昏倒在地上。 起先被打到脸的人，已经缓过劲来，正想和同伴前后夹击宋翊，同伴却突然被我砸昏，他落了空。宋翊回头，甩了甩手，看着他问：“还要打吗？”做了个邀请的姿势。 他连连后退：“不打了，不打了！” 宋翊拽住我的胳膊就走，走了一会儿，我才反应过来，我手上还有半个玻璃瓶子，左右看看，没有垃圾筒，只好仍拿在手里。 他不说话，一直大步往前走，我也不知道说什么，只能跟着他走。走了很久后，我小声说：“我走不动了。” 他好像没有听见，仍然走着，我坚持了一会儿，大声说：“我走不动了。” 他仍然不理会我，我吼出来：“我走不动了！” 他终于停住脚步，看向我，我毫不示弱地回瞪着他，别以为你帮我打了一次架，我就欠了你人情。 他招手拦计程车，所有的车远远看见我们时，逐渐放慢速度，等到近处，看清楚我们时，却忽地一下加快速度，跑掉了，明显就是拒载我们。 宋翊和我，一个文质彬彬，一个弱质纤纤，怎么看都不会是被拒载的对象呀！宋翊突然盯着我的手问：“你拿着半个破瓶子做什么？还想打架吗？” 我反应过来，可怜兮兮地说：“没有垃圾筒。” 他呆了一下，爆笑出来：“你砸人的时候，可不像个好市民。” 他拿过我手中的破瓶子，打量了一下四周想扔，可看路面干净，没能下手，就又塞回给我：“你还是拿着吧！” 我没忍住，也笑了出来，把手背到身后，藏起瓶子。 两个人上了计程车，还在一直笑。我说：“你打人可真够狠的，说出手就出手，一声招呼都不打，还专往人薄弱部位招呼。” 他抿着唇角笑：“你也没客气，前一秒还哭得梨花带雨，一转眼就抡着啤酒瓶往人脑袋上招呼。” 我们相对大笑，可笑着笑着就笑不出来，彼此都移开了目光，看向窗外。计程车上的玻璃一层水汽，我无意识地写着字，等惊觉时，发现全是宋翊的名字。霓虹闪烁中，无数个他的名字忽明忽暗、忽清楚忽黯淡。我的泪，又盈上了睫毛。我努力地眨眼睛，将眼泪眨掉，又伸手去抹他的名字，一个一个都涂掉。玻璃渐渐干净透明，可我知道他刻在我心上的名字，我没有任何办法擦去。 等擦干净所有他的名字，侧头时，却发现他的目光正从干净的玻璃窗上缓缓移到我脸上，他的眼睛深黑得靛蓝，如荒野中燃烧着的火焰，烧着他、也烧着我。他忍不住地俯过身子，我急促地喘着气，也向他靠近，明知道投身火焰是焚身之痛也顾不得了。 计程车突然停住，我们俩的身子都是一震，他的脑袋猛地一偏，唇轻轻落在我的额头：“对不起！” 我紧紧地抱住他，明白他这声“对不起”是拒绝、也是告别，眼泪终于没忍住地再次滑落，他也紧紧地拥着我，胸膛急剧地起伏着，可一瞬后，他用力推开了我。 我缓缓将手从他手中抽离，他的手渐渐松开，却在最后一瞬，又握住我的指尖。可没等我反应过来，他又放开，替我打开车门：“我不送你上去了。” 我挺直背脊，不敢回头地走着，一进大厦门，愣住了。 大姐的这栋大厦，一楼的一角摆着几组沙发，有自动咖啡售卖机，旁边是小喷泉和高大的绿色盆栽，是一个很不错的说话聊天的地方。此时，陆励成和大姐正坐在沙发上喝咖啡，外面的路灯亮过室内的幽暗灯光，从他们坐的位置，恰能清楚看到外面。 The eldest sister's expression was shocked, she kept staring at me, but Lu Licheng was smoking lightly, his expression could not be seen clearly in the lingering smoke. I walked over and sat across from them. 大姐问：“你醉糊涂了，对吗？” “现在是清醒的。” 大姐不知道能说什么，只用眼神表示着不赞同。 陆励成的声音冷冷地从烟雾中飞出来：“你脸上的伤才好不久，不要好了伤疤忘了疼。” 我现在心内只有悲哀和绝望，对他的嘲讽没有任何感觉。