Chapter 42 Chapter Forty-Two

When I finished telling the story, the deepest night had passed, and the sky outside the window gradually began to brighten. In a trance, eighteen years seemed like one night. In my burning throat, those long thoughts were ignited by alcohol. In the foggy and red lights, there is no end. I nudged Imaoyoshi's arm. He was staring out the window in a daze. I saw his drooping eyelids and loose bags under his eyes so close. They were so weak and comically closed that I couldn't tell the difference Whether he fell asleep or fell asleep, maybe everyone's story is only remembered by himself, and in the ears of others, no matter how long the love is deep and deep, maybe it is just a little sympathy, a joke.

"Don't tear me down for all I need make my heart a better place give me something I can believe..." The voice of the resident female singer seemed to have been playing all night, and it seemed that it had just sounded. Only then did I notice that the female singer with thick and long hair like seaweed on the bar bandstand was singing an English song that I was very familiar with. The melody, but I can't remember the name of the song, after a night of memories, my head is like being hollowed out, that dehydration-like, dry and uncomfortable feeling makes me endlessly fill my stomach with brandy .

I resisted the urge to go up and ask for the title of the song. Eighteen years of memory came back, and I seemed to have aged eighteen years in this night. What is the difference between knowing and not knowing?There is no pain, no regrets, no patience and intolerance in this life. There is only dull numbness in the empty heart. But Imyoyoshi's words made me feel like I was being stabbed by a needle. He said: "Then why are you sitting here? Why are you..." He raised his head, it turned out that he was not asleep, his old and pale eyes reflected lights that I had never seen before, and he said: "People The most precious wealth is nothing more than being alive, you are all still alive, what else is there to despair?"

For a moment, it seemed as if all the lights were spinning, and I remembered the mistakes I had made, the things I had avoided, and what the depth of field had paid for me——Ima Liangyi, the former fake master, and now the down-and-out old man, he Sitting in front of me, he told me that life is the most precious wealth, and Jing Shen almost lost his life because of me. At the last moment, I still think about those loves, those guilts, and all kinds of things that dare not face him. I didn't even have the guts to accompany him to the hospital, and looking at him again, I almost ran away from him.

Imyoshi finally stood up, walked by my side, and walked out slowly and like a fugue. The last thing I heard was his hypnotic and extremely intoxicating voice on the major radio broadcasts. Say, "He that lives, do not be weak." I thought at the time that he had lied to people all his life, and finally he had said something human. His fugue-like back floated out of the glass door of the bar as if in a trance, and he disappeared in the mist and rain at dawn. Mouth, tell me that life is hope, I don't think he will lie to me this time. But I didn't know at the time that this master, who taught me not to be weak and gave me hope, became desperate first.

"Don't break me down I want to believe that this is for real save me from my fear..." The hoarse voice of the female singer has been hovering in my mind until I paid the bill and stepped out of the bar dizzy and ready to take a car to find the depth of field. It seemed that the thick long hair was still stirring in the melody. It was about 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning, and there was still a thin rain and mist in the air. I just walked out of the bar a few steps, and the fresh air poured into my stomach, which made me wake up a lot. Of course, this kind of hangover It was hard to wake up, I could only walk slowly while leaning on the wall, the melody in my head was lingering, and the pain seemed to be split at any time.

I maintained this state, and walked past a row of closed storefronts. When I reached the intersection, I was exhausted and couldn’t hold on anymore. Thinking about how far I was from the clinic, a drunk like me must have had a car accident, as is often the case in novels. There is an episode of amnesia after a car accident. I am a person who is lucky to be alive and just regained my memory a day ago. So I took out my wallet and prepared to take a taxi. It’s not easy to hail a taxi at dawn. I waited for a long time to get one, but when I touched the door, I remembered that all the money in the bar was used to pay the bill— ——That bastard Imayoshi left silently, without even saying hello, and I didn't realize until the last time I was about to leave that I was responsible for all the drinks he drank.

Fortunately, I thought he had come to his senses and started a new life, but in the end he was fooled by him, and he can really drink, better than me. When I took out all the big bills in Zhu Huan's wallet, I really hated him. Gritting my teeth, now, with the few coins left in my wallet, I don't even have money for a taxi. Just when I wanted to cry without tears, the driver uttered an authentic Northeast swearword and left in a hurry. I stared blankly at the direction where the rear of the car disappeared for a long time, until the wind mixed with a gust of cold rain blew into my open neckline , in front of the closed tea-colored glass of a coffee shop, I saw my distraught appearance, on the clothes that were dry and wet, wet and dry, dots of bright red smudged like prints, who would have thought that it was so beautiful The print is a man's blood.

Suddenly there was a strange and uncomfortable taste in my throat. I finally supported the wall and started to vomit. The smell of alcohol all night was filled with the cold wind in the early morning. I even vomited gall water, tears and snot poured out like a sluice, the pool of filth gave off a disgusting smell, but what I hate more is my past. Charlotte, you love him, but you don't say you love him, you bully him again and again, hurt him and humiliate him, Bai Jie is right, you are not worthy of him, you are just a lowly woman who doesn't deserve pity. Compared with the poor man, you are a more hateful person. At the end when he was wounded and bled for you, you still dare not face him, and you dare not even face yourself.

——For a moment, the sour smell that filled my nasal cavity made me loathe myself extremely. Whether it was the person or the past, I hardly had anything worthy of his forgiveness. I remembered that night he tried hard to persuade me to leave Chen Shujun, and I When Chen Shujun kicked him in the stomach, and when his fallen figure disappeared out of the car window, I lied to him and lied to him. I thought I had found love, and I thought of the hideous wounds on his arms. I really want to bang my head against the wall. Charlotte, Charlotte... In the dream when I lost my memory, I can always hear the sound of the tide hitting the shore, and the distant call from the end of the sea, such a gentle voice, I think I will never hear it again , Depth of Field, I may not be able to repay you even if I spend my whole life.

Not to mention, the love I expected. When I finally took a breath, the car horn sounded behind me. I looked over dizzily and saw a small red car parked on the side of the road. Very familiar. I scratched my hair, er, isn't this the old Ren's second-hand Xiali?Just then the car door opened, and the outline of the man who came out was very similar to that of Lao Ren. I lost my glasses and now I see everything as if I had put a blur filter on it. When he approached, I heard a familiar voice. The joking "Miss Charlotte" came to my ears, and I saw his face clearly. "Old Ren, what a coincidence." I threw up and was caught by him. It was really embarrassing, but it happened to be his free ride. I have never been to his home, I only know the address, and I think this is really the only way for him to go to work, but due to the successive crackdowns, the sales of magazines have plummeted recently, and Lao Ren has to work harder Work. But I didn't expect that his hard work would reach this level. At this time, it was only after 5 o'clock in the morning at most, and he was about to go to the company...I slept until 5 o'clock in the evening and didn't get up. The person who dragged the manuscript looked at the toe of his shoe, and I was even more ashamed. It turned out that I was not only sorry for the past, but also for the present. The depth of field gave me life, and the old man gave me a job. How can it be? "Lolo, have you been drinking? What happened to you? Oh my God!" Lao Ren's voice, which was originally joking, suddenly became serious. A pair of big hands grabbed my shoulders and twisted back, forcing me to raise my head to face the situation. He, and what I saw, were a pair of eyes with obvious dark circles, and shock replaced fatigue. "Oh my god..." Ren Jiahai stared hard, opened his mouth but didn't close it, and said after a while, "Lolo, you're covered in blood? Oh my god, why did you become like this? What happened to you? No wonder I couldn't get through to you yesterday, what happened to you..." I bowed my head, not knowing what to say. He took off his cheap knockoff suit and put it all over me. He sighed and said, "It's good that you're fine. Hey, go to the car quickly, and don't get caught in the rain." I silently followed behind him, let him open the car door silently, and sat silently on the co-pilot seat. I remembered that I was also sitting in this position a day ago, in Chen Shujun’s luxury sports car, the closest to heaven , is hell. Lao Ren put his hand on my shoulder and patted my back gently. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t cry anymore. It seemed that all the cells in my body had been dried up in this day and night. It was the first time in my life that I felt There will also be plenty of warmth in this dilapidated second-hand Xiali car. "Are you going home?" Ren Jiahai asked me. "I'm going to the hospital, just turn right at the three traffic lights behind the front road, old Ren, can you give me a ride? I don't have money..." Before he finished speaking, Lao Ren stepped on the accelerator without hesitation, and the car drove out vigorously. He didn't ask any questions, and his expression showed no hesitation, just like a model husband who sent his pregnant wife to the hospital for a routine prenatal checkup. Ren Jiahai used to joke in magazines that his biggest dream in life was to buy a BMW, marry a wife, drive his BMW every week, and take his wife to the hospital for prenatal checkups... For this reason, he has been called They despised the lack of ambition, but he laughed it off every time, and then continued to instill in the members the role of a model husband. He said that his dream is the driving force for his struggle, in this imperial capital where countless hopes turn into despair every day. He said that he works from morning to night and works hard. He doesn't earn much, but one day he will be able to afford a BMW. Xiali drove halfway across the street and stopped on the side of the road again. Because I suddenly asked him: "Old Ren, do you think people are alive, as long as they keep working hard, their dreams will come true?" He lit a cigarette: "At least if you don't work hard, you will have nothing, BMW will not have it, and Xiali will not have it." I was silent, what Lao Ren said is right, I grew up in this kind of teaching, there is nothing wrong with that, when we are young, we always believe that we can get everything by working hard, but when we grow up, we realize that the world is far more than black and white Two colors, we are lost in the colorful world of mortals, we know that there is another group of people in this world, they stand far above our heads when they are born, in front of their huge and intertwined family power, even the law is a joke , They drove, they hit people, they killed, they were innocent, they were able to live in the world, and their squandering was enough to make us, ordinary people, struggle for a lifetime. Youth let us know how to grow up, but also see despair. And in the next second, I was tightly bound by a pair of hands. It was Ren Jiahai. Unexpectedly, but also expected, he took off his seat belt and hugged me tightly on my side. This one who gave me a job, The man who allowed me to gain a foothold in the capital during the five years of desolation, his warm embrace faintly smelled of tobacco. He once said that in the capital, if there is an opportunity, we can see hope. You have to fight hard, he said, Luo Luo, work hard, I will give you an extra fee, we will become popular, and you will not lose a share. I have been working as the chief artist of "Beauty Times" until now, but unfortunately, we have no backstage and no popularity, and we are even teetering in the wind and rain, facing the danger of stopping the publication at any time. In other words, I gave up many opportunities to change jobs. Maybe it was because of gratitude or nostalgia. I was willing to follow Ren Jiahai. Even if it really came to the last day, I believed that he would not be defeated. I once said, Lao Ren, I want to be your painter forever.