Chapter 79 Outer part

When I got to the hospital, Malatang was in the emergency room. She suddenly suffocated because of kidney failure, which affected other organs. Aunt Wang cried and fell into Uncle Xu's arms, begging the doctor to allow her to donate one of her kidneys.Song Xiang stared at the door of the emergency room, his face pale, like a dying person. Finally, the doctor came out and said to Uncle Xu: "The patient's condition is temporarily stable, but the kidney is failing too fast. If the transplant operation is not performed immediately, I'm afraid the next time..." His words were interrupted by Aunt Wang's sudden fainting, and the doctors and nurses who had just walked out of the emergency room entered the emergency room again, busy trying to rescue Aunt Wang.

Wife and daughter entered the emergency room one after another. Uncle Xu finally couldn't hold on anymore and his body was shaking. I immediately helped him sit on the chair, and he asked me, "Have you finished watching?" "I've finished reading it. I want to stay alone with Malatang for a while. I will return the diary to you later." Uncle Xu nodded weakly. I walked into the ward, locked the door, and sat in front of the Mala Tang bed. Without opening her eyes, she asked weakly, "Manman?" I said yes." She said: "I'm sorry, I tried my best, but the cells in my body don't listen to me."

"You didn't try your best! You just didn't take the initiative to look for death, but you didn't take the initiative to look for life. You must have felt in your heart that you couldn't escape Xu Qiu's shadow no matter what, so you gave up at all. Inferiority, cowardice, avoidance. You obviously don’t want to paint because you think you’re ugly, but you don’t admit it, you say you don’t like painting anymore; you obviously gave up because you can’t dance well, But you say it's because you don't like that teacher. Every time you give up, you have an excuse, and you never admit that the reason is only yourself."

Mala Tang yelled: "No, it's because of Xu Qiu!" "That's right! Xu Qiu has become an excuse for all your failures again. It can be said that you can't draw because of Xu Qiu, that you can't dance is because of Xu Qiu, that you can't get into college is because of Xu Qiu, you Unhappiness is caused by Xu Qiu, Song Xiang does not love you, it is also caused by Xu Qiu. How did Xu Qiu hurt you? Did she take the brush away from your hand? She asked your dance teacher not to teach Did you? Did she ask you not to listen in class? In the final analysis, she is only an external cause, and you are the internal cause! All choices are made by yourself. External factors can affect internal factors, but they can never make decisions for internal factors. Now you are tired You are disappointed, you are tired, and you plan to give up again, and the reason is Xu Qiu again!"

Malatang cried and said: "I don't want to hear you talk, you go out!" I ignored her, opened the diary, and began to read aloud, starting from Xu Qiu's participation in the wedding of his father and that woman. "That woman's belly is slightly protruding. My aunt said that because there was a person living in her belly, and that my father had to marry that woman because of this person. I don't understand..." Malatang's crying gradually subsided, and Xu Qiu's diary brought her back to her childhood, examining herself and Xu Qiu from another angle.

When she heard Xu Qiu push her down and run away, she cried on the ground, but Xu Qiu was facing the wind, crying silently, and she frowned in disbelief. When she heard Xu Qiu's unhappiness and anxiety after teasing her in front of the whole school, she was puzzled, and murmured to herself: "I thought she was lucky, she was very happy. Since she is not happy, why did she tease me? " When she heard that every time she gave up, she said it on her own initiative, she remained silent. ... I flipped through the diary page by page until Xu Qiu went abroad, and I said, "Xu Qiu's subsequent diary has little to do with you, but I want to read it to you, not because of Song Xiang, but because of Xu Qiu. "

Malatang was silent, and I began to read to her.In order to make it easier for her to understand, I replaced the vague "he" in the diary with Song Xiang and K. "...Dancing and flying, my tears flowed down my cheeks. I knew that I was about to lose Song Xiang—my light. From then on, I will dance with the darkness forever." Outside the room, it was completely dark.Many people have knocked on the door, and I have not responded to all of them. Malatang lay silently, I looked down at Xu Qiu's diary and said: "Xu Qiu lived a very sober life, although she understated it, we can all imagine that K did many things to her, not only opening the gate of hell for her, He still held her hand, pushed and pulled, coaxed and coaxed her in, and led her in. But from the beginning to the end, she didn't feel that K was responsible for everything, because she knew that K was only the external cause, and she herself was the internal cause of all actions. Of course , she is an adult and can be responsible for herself, but sometimes her young age cannot be explained as the reason. For example, some children have a good family background and their parents carefully create learning conditions for him, but he does not study hard. Some children's parents play mahjong all day long. , but he was able to sit first in his homework amidst the sound of mahjong. Xu Qiu's existence forced you to be precocious, and you have other choices in many cases, but the choice you make is to give up! We have all heard of Ai Yin The story of Stan’s small bench, facing the ridicule of the whole class, he can calmly say 'I am doing better now than the last one', why can't you say to Xu Qiu, 'I am indeed not doing well now, but I The next time will be better than now'. Maybe I am too harsh to say this, but I want you to understand that Xu Qiu is always the external cause, and you are the internal cause. It is you who chose to give up everything!"

Malatang suddenly said: "You said she drew a sketch for me, I want to see it." I turned the desk lamp to the brightest and put the painting in front of her eyes, and she watched it intently.The little girl in the painting is wearing a small floral dress, and is drawing with a crayon. The drawing board is a task of drawing, but the little girl's technique is still very rough, so the face of the character is very cartoon. When Xu Qiu drew this sketch back then, she must have been unusually careful. The little florals on the skirt and the person the little girl was drawing were all outlined in one stroke, and she could even imitate the little girl's brushwork to draw the tasks in the sketchpad .

Malatang said in a low voice: "I was painting her, I thought she didn't know, but she did." "She has an extremely lonely soul. She longs for warmth, but hurts everyone who brings her warmth." Someone was knocking on the people in the ward again, I didn't care, and said to Malatang: "This diary was given to me by your father. He already knew everything you experienced after Xu Qiu died. You have noticed his love for so many years. Has it changed? Have you noticed his concern for you? You haven't!" Malatang looked at me blankly. I squatted beside her, held her hand, and said very forcefully: "Your mother also entered the emergency room because of you. I can't imagine what would happen to her if you...you died? Maybe it's better to put her Give you a kidney transplant and let her die right away. Your father still looks strong because he believes in you. He believes that Xu Zhongjin’s daughter is not someone who ignores her family and gives up lightly. But if you really do this Yes, I tell him... he will collapse, and a strong man will fall more painfully when he collapses."

There were tears in Malatang's eyes, and I said, "I can't comment on the grievances between Xu Qiu and you, nor can I ask you to forgive her, but, do you know? When she was sober before she died, she took the initiative to treat her. Your dad said 'give my kidney to the little girl', I don't ask her out of atonement, nor regretting what I did. She doesn't care about this, she is just very simple, but she has to admit that you are her sister , she is your sister." Malatang's tears rolled down and dripped on the painting; my tears also rolled down and dripped on her injury.

"Ma La Tang, if you die, I will never forgive Song Xiang! But in this world, the person I don't want to hate is him. If you really regard me as a sister, please don't make me suffer!" I stood up and walked outside.Outside the door, Uncle Xu stared at me, his eyes full of anxious hope, I returned the diary to him, "I have tried my best, the final choice is for her to make by herself." Uncle Xu wanted to say something, but I had no police power to listen. I quickly ran out of the hospital, stopped a taxi, and told the driver to go to Fangshan. There are always many stories in old houses.There are unexpected discoveries in every drawer and every corner, small balls played with, broken hairpins, sachets made when I was a child... I turned off my phone, unplugged my landline, and disconnected from the internet. While sorting out the unfinished photo albums, I tidyed up the room and put away the things my parents left behind. I go to the vegetable market every morning, and the vegetables I buy for ten yuan are enough for me to eat for a day.I bought this cookbook and followed it all day long, trying out all kinds of weird dishes and not being afraid to take the time.Sitting on the bed at night and watching TV, watching idol dramas from the news broadcast, I didn't feel bored at all. During the day, everything is fine and quiet, but at night I often wake up from nightmares. A week later, when I came back from grocery shopping, I saw a black "Wrangler" parked downstairs.My legs were a little weak, and I didn't know whether to go up or escape.I sat on the ground and stared at the toes of my shoes, unable to make a decision. "Su Man, we've been waiting for you up there for two hours, and you're downstairs basking in the sun? Don't say you don't know my car anymore." "I don't know who among us she doesn't want to see? Song Xiang, should you disappear on your own initiative?" The sound of Malatang!I jumped up, she was sitting on the wheelchair smiling at me, Lu Licheng was standing beside her, Song Xiang was pushing the wheelchair.The sun was shining on them, and the day was bright. Malatang narrowed his eyes and said, "Take care of the patient, come over here, I can't see you clearly." I hurried up to her, she laughed, I laughed too, and after a while, we hugged each other tightly. She said: "Two major crimes: 1. When I was sick, you dared to teach me a lesson. 2. You didn't come to see me in the hospital. Tell me, how will you punish me?" "You can be punished in any way." Malatang giggled, "You said it! After I punish you, you will call me every week to report on your life." I looked at her in confusion, and Lu Licheng explained: "Her life was saved, but her kidney was damaged and needs treatment and recovery. Aunt Wang plans to accompany her to Switzerland for treatment." "If everything is healed, can the eyes be completely restored?" "Maybe, maybe not, but is that important? It happens to be able to wear contact lenses of different colors every day, seven days a week." Malatang curled up her orchid fingers, acting like a witch who looks at smoke and turns all living beings upside down. I laughed and my Mala Tang really came back.When I looked up, my eyes met Song Xiang, and I quickly avoided it. At the airport, everyone was waiting for me and Malatang, she held me back and kept talking, I could only say one thing to her, and I nodded.Finally, she shut up, and I smiled and asked, "Miss, can I get on the plane?" She stared at me and said suddenly: "The day after you finished reading Xu Qiu's diary to me, I asked Song Xiang to visit me in the ward." I couldn't laugh a bit, so I stopped laughing. She said: "I told him the story of my father and mother, and I told him that I was a petty and selfish woman who would never make the mistakes my mother made, and would never live with another woman dying. So, no matter whether he likes me or not, I have to break up with him. Song Xiang agrees to break up." Malatang was silent for a while, "Before he walked out of the room, I asked him if he ever liked me a little bit, originally I didn't expect him to answer. I didn't expect him to tell me very clearly that he couldn't refuse me because I had eyes similar to Xu Qiu's; he doted on me omnipotently because he didn't do anything to Xu Qiu back then. Yes. He is using a good way to make up for what he owes Xu Qiu." Malatang smiled, "He didn't even care that I was still sick, so he gave such a cruel answer. At that time, I hated him a little and told him to get out. But then I figured it out, this answer is true for me. Best answer, because I can forget about him without any worries." Malatang pinched my shoulder lightly, "I fell in love with him out of gratitude and helplessness. It wasn't him who fell in love with him, but someone who would hold my hand and treat me tenderly no matter who I was. The person who led me out of the darkness. He was kind to me, but I tortured him. At that time, I even felt that it was his fault, and I was faintly disappointed in him. Only now do I know that I didn’t understand him at all, and I didn’t really cherish him. " I asked, "Did you tell him about Xu Qiu?" Malatang shook his head, and handed me a stack of photocopied documents, which turned out to be Xu Qiu's diary after he arrived in New York. "No! I think the decision is in your hands. In fact, he is not a good lover. He is your only one, but you will not be his only one. However, love is inherently unfair, who told you that it is impossible Forget about him? Will you show him?" I asked Malatang back: "He firmly believes that Xu Qiu loves him, believes in Xu Qiu's beauty, and also believes that he has failed Xu Qiu because he was young and energetic and did not know how to tolerate the other party's shortcomings. If I tell him, everything he believes is false , is equivalent to breaking all the good things he believed in, is this right? If, I mean, if one day I die, although you will suffer when you think of me, you will also feel that you have such a good friend And feel happy. But suddenly there is a person who jumps out and tells you: "Ma La Tang, Su Man is not what you think. She is actually very bad. Not only does she not regard you as a sister in her heart, she has even betrayed you thing.' What would you think? Would you appreciate the man who told you the truth?" Malatang thought for a while, then shook his head, "I won't, maybe I will hate him for being troublesome." There was compassion in her eyes, "Manman, you really love him so badly, don't you?" I said lightly: "Whether he loves me or not has no conflict with whether he loves Xu Qiu. One of us is the past and the other is the present. Even if I break Xu Qiu's position in his heart, it doesn't mean that he can love me." Me. If he loves me, he will take the initiative to move forward, but he has no intention of forgetting the past at all, so..." I returned the copy of the diary to Malatang. Malatang put them away, "If my father didn't want to save me, he would never admit to others that Xu Qiu is a child with mental illness. Parents are partial, in his eyes, no matter what his daughter does Even if Song Xiang didn’t do anything, he couldn’t be forgiven, otherwise he wouldn’t know what happened to Xu Qiu in New York, but still hate Song Xiang. I suspect that the only reason he kept Xu Qiu’s diary is because Me. Now that I have read it, Xu Qiu's diary has probably been destroyed, so I will keep it for you, and I only hope that Song Xiang is worthy of your love for him." Aunt Wang called: "Xiao Lian, Man Man, you must register." Uncle Xu said with a smile: "These two children, communication is so developed now, when will there be no chance to chat? I have to rush to finish the conversation at the airport." I stood up, pushed Mala Tang towards Aunt Wang.Aunt Wang took Malatang from me and pushed her towards the boarding gate. Malatang turned his head and waved goodbye to Lu Licheng and Song Xiang, then blew a kiss to Uncle Xu, and shouted loudly, "Daddy, goodbye! Mommy and I will miss you." "This girl is so old, she's still crazy!" Uncle Xu seemed to scold, but in fact he was satisfied. When they were no longer visible, Uncle Xu looked at me and said flatly, "Xiaoqiu has been in a coma since the car accident and died, without saying a word." I smiled and said, "I was in a coma for three days and three nights. Only Uncle Xu knows if I woke up for a short time." Uncle Xu sighed softly, "I think Xiaoqiu is willing." I nodded, "Of course! She is Malatang's older sister after all." The dead are gone, as long as the living can be reconciled, what does it matter what kind of thinking? Uncle Xu shook hands with me and said goodbye, "Thank you! Xiao Lian told me that after your father passed away, you have been out of work. If you want to find a job and need help, you can call me anytime." Although I didn't plan to look for a job, I didn't refuse and accepted his kindness with a smile.I will not deliberately flatter and flatter, but if it can help me, I will not refuse it arrogantly. Who told me to beg for a bowl of food in the world of mortals? Lu Licheng, Song Xiang, and I walked out of the airport side by side.Lu Licheng proposed to have dinner together, neither Song Xiang nor I objected. We found a small restaurant on College Road. The decoration is not exquisite, but it is still clean. I said, "I'll treat you to this meal. Thank you two old bosses for taking care of me. It's also a farewell drink." Lu Licheng was a little surprised and said: "The news spread so quickly? Song Xiang just handed in his resignation letter, and it has spread outside?" I was stunned and looked at Song Xiang, who explained: "I just submitted my resignation letter to Mike and intend to accept CS's invitation in London." "Oh, that's very good! I heard that the scenery of the English Channel is very beautiful." I smiled and lowered my head, and said flatly, "I didn't know Song Xiang was leaving. My farewell wine was originally meant for myself." Song Xiang looked at me silently, and Lu Licheng asked, "What trace?" "When my father just passed away, I applied through a classmate to teach in remote mountainous areas, and it has been approved. I will leave in a few days." "How long? Where?" "Maybe one year, maybe two years, depending on my mood!" "Where?" Lu Licheng asked again, but I couldn't avoid it, so I could only answer: "I don't want to tell anyone." Silence permeates us like suffocation. Lu Licheng lit a cigarette, took a few puffs, and said with a smile, "You don't plan to contact us anymore?" I said politely: "The mountainous area is remote, and the communication will be relatively backward." Song Xiang didn't say a word, just filled himself with wine and drank it down. I filled myself and Lu Licheng with wine, raised my glasses, "Thank you two old bosses for taking care of me in the past." The three of them clinked glasses and made a loud crash. The guests at the table next to me didn't know which school's old classmates were gathering, and when the wine was hot, they sang in unison: The wind and the rain also go There have been tears and faults remember what to hold on to Only after I have loved you will I understand will be lonely and will look back I have a dream and always have you in my heart Friends will be together forever those days are no more ... Thinking of the tense scene that year, I actually have a little nostalgia.They both smiled and shook their heads when they heard the singing. I poured a glass of wine and respected Lu Licheng, "Congratulations, your wish has finally come true." Lu Licheng smiled, but that smile did not seem to show joy. He took the cigarette in one hand and the wine glass in the other, and poured it directly with his neck up. I poured another glass of wine and toasted Song Xiang, "Bon voyage." Song Xiang didn't look at me, lowered his head, and drank in one gulp. Lu Licheng and Song Xiang seemed to be in a competition who would get drunk first, one drank faster than the other, and the two quickly tore off their masks, revealing their true nature.Lu Licheng patted Song Xiang on the shoulder and said, "Back then I wished I could kick you out of MG, but now I am very reluctant to let you go." Song Xiang immediately said sincerely: "Actually, I don't want to leave either, or you can get Mike for me and tell me that you want to reply to the resignation letter?" Lu Licheng was stunned, Song Xiang and I both laughed.Lu Licheng realized that Song Xiang was teasing him, and slapped him hard on the shoulder, "I'm really not used to you making jokes, it scared me, if you really want to stay, I'm afraid I'll have to think about it and kick you away. " Song Xiang shook his head and smiled, "To be honest, you are the toughest opponent I have ever met." Lu Licheng was overjoyed and clinked glasses with Song Xiang, "Really? I took it as a compliment. It's a pity that you are not in shape, and this game will not be enjoyable after all! When you recover in the future, we will have another real match." The two looked at each other and smiled, and Lu Licheng asked, "I want to ask you something, how sure are you of your last three-pointer during our basketball game?" Song Xiang drank with a smile, but Lu Licheng refused to give up, and kept asking questions while drinking. I watched them quietly, feeling empty and sad in my heart. The past is still vivid, but we have to wave goodbye to each other. I once hoped that this was the way home, but in the end, life told us: We are all just passing by each other, and the journey is still going on. We can only say "Treasure" and continue on our own journeys. As time goes by, maybe we will forget each other, maybe we will remember each other, but the day of drinking and talking like this tonight will never happen again. I told Lu Licheng and Song Xiang that I would leave Beijing next week, but actually I planned to leave this week. Ever since I fell in love with Song Xiang, I could only stand aside, helplessly watching his departure and return, and I was always in the chosen position.This time, I chose to take the initiative to leave him. After packing up my clothes and taking my laptop, I left two handwritten letters in the mailbox on the day I left Beijing by train. Lu Licheng: I have already left Beijing, and I didn't tell you, because I didn't want you to persuade me to stay, and I didn't want to see you off.In this year, I have experienced too many partings!I feel that I owe you a lot, but I have too little ability to repay you. I can only express my gratitude in my own way. I wish you good health and success in your career! Su Man In fact, I knew his career would go well.Song Xiang had already voluntarily left, and Malatang told me that her father decided to hand over the listing of XX to MG.Lu Li made great contributions to MG's acquisition of this super large customer. His customer relationship network in the Chinese market cannot be ignored by the old men at the MG headquarters, so the position must belong to Lu Licheng. Song Xiang: When I was packing my luggage last night, I found an old DVD of "Titanic".The pirated discs I watched in Tsinghua back then, except for the song "MYHEARTWILLGOON", the story has been blurred.I had nothing to do, so I packed my things while watching the disc.But watching and watching, I started to stop packing things and concentrate on this story, and all the memories about the film gradually emerged. Rose was already on the lifeboat. We all know the ending of the story and the people on this lifeboat will be saved in the end, but she didn't choose to leave. She jumped back to the big boat at the last moment and chose to face death with Jack.The ending of the story is that Jack led her to find a piece of wreckage floating on the water after going through twists and turns.But, unfortunately, the wreckage can only support the weight of one person, so Jack let Rose stay on it, and chose to soak in the sea.When the rescue ship found them, Jack had been frozen to death, and Rose survived alone.I remember a classmate saw Rose jumping out of the lifeboat and running towards the big ship when she watched it for the second time. She yelled and said that Rose was too stupid. On the wreckage, instead of freezing to death, they both survived. After writing so much, I am beginning to be confused about what I want to express?I suddenly wondered last night why Rose didn't blame her choice from the beginning to the end?As the person involved, didn't she ever think that if she had stayed on the lifeboat safely, Jack wouldn't have frozen to death just to give her the chance of survival?Wouldn't she lose her voice in pain for countless nights because of self-blame? I think she must have thought about it.Losing her lover, she must have thought more than us onlookers.Life is destined not to be a smooth road, and each face that is no longer young bears the scars of time, but they will still choose to move forward bravely and pursue light and happiness. At that time, I thought "Titanic" was a very commercial and vulgar film.Now, I think that I was too simple back then. This film is actually about the strength and courage of human nature. , I have left Beijing and cannot go to the airport to see you off, so I wish you a smooth journey in this letter.No matter where you are, no matter what kind of life you choose, I just hope you can see sunshine and hope. Su Man