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Chapter 2 perish

one He's been feeling pitifully lonely lately. His precocious disposition pushed him into a situation where he was incompatible with the world, and the barrier between the world and him was built higher and higher. The weather is getting cooler day by day, and it has been almost half a month since his school started.That day was the 22nd of September. The sky is clear and clear, the sky is cloudless, and the always new bright sun is still on her track, walking there one step at a time.The breeze blowing from the south, like the nectar of sobering up wine, carries a kind of aroma, blowing upwards in waves.In the middle of the yellow and unripe rice fields, on the country road that bends like a white line, he holds a six-inch collection of Wordsworth's poems in his hand alone, and walks slowly alone.In this great plain, there is no one around; there are two distant barking sounds coming from nowhere.The melodious sound reached his eardrums.He took his eyes off the book and looked towards the place where the dogs were barking like a dream, but he saw a clump of miscellaneous trees and a few houses, and on the roof tiles like fish scales, there was a thin layer of mirage, like a veil. Like, floating there. "Oh, you serene gossamer! You beautiful gossamer!"

With a cry like this, two lines of clear tears welled up in his eyes, and he himself didn't know why. After staring blankly for a long time, he suddenly felt a burst of purple breath blowing from his back, and with a whistling sound, a sprig of grass beside the road broke his dream. He turned his head and saw that The twigs of grass were still swaying, and a gentle breeze with the breath of violets, Wen slightly hummed on his pale face.In this peaceful early autumn world, in this clear and transparent ether, his body felt soft as if intoxicated.He seemed to be sleeping in the arms of a loving mother.He seemed to be dreaming of the Peach Blossom Spring.He seemed to be on the coast of southern Europe, lying on his lover's lap, taking a nap there.

He looked around and felt that the surrounding plants were smiling at him.Looking at the sky, I feel the long and endless nature, nodding slightly there.He looked at the sky without moving for a while, and he felt that in the sky, there was a group of little gods dancing there with wings on their backs and bows and arrows on their shoulders.He felt very happy.Unknowingly, he opened his mouth and said to himself: "Here is your refuge. There are the ordinary philistines of the world envious of you, laughing at you, and fooling you; only this nature, this ever-new sky, this late summer breeze, this early autumn breeze Qingqi, you are still your friend, your loving mother, and your lover. You don’t need to go to the world to spend time with those frivolous men and women. You will die in the arms of nature and in this simple country. .”

After saying this again, he felt sorry for his family, as if there were thousands of grievances lying in his chest, and he couldn't express it.With a pair of clear tears, his eyes saw the book in his hand again. Behold her, single in the field, You solitary Highland Lass! Reaping and singing by herself; Stop here, or gently pass! Alone she cuts and binds the grain, And sings a melancholy strain; O, listen! for the vale profound Is over flowing with the sound. After reading this section, he suddenly turned over another page, and saw the third section out of his head. Will no one tell me what she sings?----

Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow For old, unhappy, far-off things, And battle long ago: Or is it some more humble lay, Familiar matter of today? Some natural sorrow, loss, or pain, That has been, and may be again? This is also a habit he has recently. When reading books, there is no order.Big books with hundreds of pages, not to mention booklets with dozens of pages, such as Emerson's "On Nature", Thoreau's "Ex- "cursion") and the like, and I haven't completely read an article from beginning to end.When he first opened a book to read, he read four lines and five lines or a page or two. Every time he was moved by that book, he wished he could swallow that book in one go. After reading three or four pages, he felt pity again, and he seemed to say in his heart:

"For a wonderful book like this, you shouldn't finish reading it in one breath, but keep chewing carefully. After reading it all at once, my longing will have to disappear, and I will not be good at that time." Hope, no dream, how to make it?" Although he had such thoughts in his mind, in fact, he was already a little bored in his heart. At this time, he always put the book aside and didn't read any more.After a few days or hours, he reads another book with the same enthusiasm as when he first read that book; A book had to be forgotten by him. After reading the two verses of Welchworth's poem with amplified voice, he suddenly wanted to translate this poem into Chinese.

"The lonely plateau rice harvester" he thought about it, the only way to translate the title of "The solitary Highlandreaper". "Look at that girl, she's alone in the field, Look at that plateau girl over there, she's alone! While she was harvesting rice, she sang endlessly; She stopped for a while, and then passed by again, with a light body and delicate scenery! She mowed alone, and tied up the rice again, The folk songs she sang were quite sad; Listen! Listen!This valley is deep, All filled with the voiceless voice of her singing. Can someone say no, what is she singing about?

or her thousand nonsense Is singing the lament of the previous generation, Or the wars of the previous dynasty, with thousands of soldiers and horses; or some folk songs Is it the current gossip? Or some natural mourning, inevitable mourning, natural sorrow. Although these things are reminiscences of the past, there will be accusations in the future. " After he translated it in one breath, he suddenly felt bored again, so he mocked and scolded himself: "What the hell is that, but isn't it as dull as the hymns in church? "British poetry is British poetry, and Chinese poetry is Chinese poetry, so why bother to translate it back and forth!"

After saying this, he smiled slightly without knowing it.Looking around, the sun has already slanted; on the other side of the great plain, on the western horizon, there is a high mountain floating there. A color that is neither purple nor red. When he was staring there in a daze, he coughed loudly, and suddenly a farmer came behind him.Looking back, he changed the smile on his face into a melancholy expression, as if he was afraid of being seen by others. two His depression was getting worse. He felt that the textbooks in school were tasteless and not interesting at all.When the weather is clear, he takes a favorite literature book and runs to the deserted mountainside and waterside to crave the deep taste of loneliness.In the moment of silence, where the sky and water mirror each other, he looks at the vegetation, insects, fish, white clouds and blue sky, and he feels that he is a sage who is lonely and proud of the world, a hermit who is detached and independent.Sometimes when he met a farmer in the mountains, he took himself as Zaratustra, and told the farmer what Zaratustra said in his heart.His Megalomania has also become proportional to his Hypochondria, increasing day by day.There were times when he skipped school for four or five days in a row to attend lectures.

Sometimes when he went to school, he always felt that everyone was staring at him there.He avoided to avoid his classmates, but no matter where he went, his classmates' eyes always seemed to shoot maliciously on his back. In class, although he sat in the middle of the class, he always felt very lonely; the loneliness he felt in the crowd was much better than the loneliness he felt in a deserted place. Loneliness is even more uncomfortable.Look at his classmates, all of them are happily listening to the teacher's lectures, but he is the only one who sits in the lecture hall physically, but his mind is like flying clouds, dreaming endlessly there.

Finally, the bell for the end of get out of class rang!After Mr. retreated, his classmates were joking, joking, and chatting, all of them were having fun there like sparrows in spring; he was the only one with frowning eyebrows, and the base of his tongue seemed to be hammered by a huge boulder. He didn't make a sound.He also very much hoped that his classmates would gossip about him, but his classmates all went to have fun by themselves, and when they saw his sad face, none of them would run away without hugging their heads, so he became even more worried. blamed his classmates. "They are all Japanese, they are all my enemies, and one day I will avenge them, and I will always avenge them. When he was sad and angry, he always thought like this, but when he was quiet, he had to scold himself and say: "They are all Japanese, of course they have no sympathy for you, because you want their sympathy, so you blame them, isn't this your own fault?" Some troublesome fellow among his classmates sometimes came to joke with him. Although he was very grateful in his heart and wanted to have a few words of heart-to-heart talk with that person, he couldn't get any words out of his mouth; so there were several explanations. Those he cared about had to be alienated from him. When his Japanese classmates were laughing, he always suspected that they were laughing at him, and he blushed instantly.When they were chatting, if anyone happened to glance at him, he would suddenly blush again, thinking they were talking about him.The distance between him and his classmates was getting farther and farther day by day. His classmates thought he was a lonely person, so no one dared to come close to him. One day after class, he packed his schoolbag and returned to his hotel. Three Japanese students were traveling with him.When he was about to arrive at the hotel where he was lodging, two female students in red dresses suddenly appeared in front of him.In this area outside the city, no female students have ever seen it, so when he saw these two women, his breath tightened.When the four of them passed by the two women, his three Japanese classmates asked them, "Where are you going?" The two female students replied in a coquettish voice: "have no idea!" "have no idea!" The three Japanese students all laughed loudly, as if they were very proud; he was the only one who seemed as if he had talked to them, and hurried back to the hotel in embarrassment.Entering his own room, he threw his schoolbag on the mat, and he lay down on the mat.His chest was still jumping around, with one hand resting on his head and the other on his chest, he mocked and scolded himself: "You coward! "Since you are shy, why do you regret it? "Since you have to regret it, why didn't you have the courage at that time? Don't say a word to them. "Oh, coward, coward!" Speaking of this, he suddenly remembered the eye movements of the two female students just now.Those two pairs of lively eyes! There was indeed a sense of surprise in those two pairs of eyes.However, after thinking about it more carefully, he suddenly cried out and said: Stupid!Although they are interesting, what does it have to do with you?Aren't the glances they sent only for the three Japanese?well!well!They already knew that I was from China, otherwise why didn't they come to see me!Vengeance, revenge, I will always avenge them. " Speaking of this, a few cold tears suddenly rolled down his fiery cheeks.He was heartbroken to the core.That night, he wrote in his diary: "Why do I want to come to Japan, why do I want to learn. Now that I have come to Japan, I will naturally have to be insulted by the Japanese. China, China! Why don't you become rich and powerful, I can't bear it anymore. "Isn't there beautiful mountains and rivers in my hometown, and beautiful women like flowers in my hometown? Why do I want to come to this island country in the East China Sea! "It's all right to come to Japan. Why do I have to go to this damn high school again? Don't the people they keep for five months and go back to study enjoy prosperity and happiness there? These five or six years have taught me how to endure I can get over it. I have endured all kinds of hardships and accumulated more than ten years of knowledge. When I go back to China, am I sure to be stronger than the foreign students they come to mess around with? "I live a hundred years. When I was young, I only had seven or eight years. I had to spend the purest and most beautiful seven or eight years in this ruthless island country. Unfortunately, I am already twenty-one this year. "Twenty-one-year-old haggard! "Twenty-one-year-old ashes! "I might as well have changed to minerals, I probably don't have a flowering day. "I don't want knowledge, I don't want reputation, I just want a 'heart' that comforts me and understands me. A warm heart! Sympathy born from this heart! Love that comes from compassion! "All I ask is love! "If there is a beauty who can understand my pain, if she wants me to die, I will. "If there is a woman, whether she is beautiful or ugly, who can love me sincerely, I am willing to die for her. "All I ask for is heterosexual love! "Heaven, God, I don't want knowledge, I don't want fame, and I don't want those useless money. If you can give me an 'Ifu' in the Garden of Eden, and make her body and soul all mine, I will I am satisfied." three His hometown is a small city on the Fuchun River, and the water journey to Hangzhou is only eighty or ninety miles away.This river originated in Anhui and flows through the whole of Zhejiang. The shape of the river is tortuous and the scenery is always new. A poet in the Tang Dynasty praised this river as "a river like a picture".When he was fourteen years old, he asked a gentleman to write these four characters and posted them in his study, because the small window of his study faced the river.Although the structure of this study is not large, the wind and rain are dark and bright, and the scenery of spring and autumn day and night is still comparable to the Tengwang Pavilion.After more than a dozen springs and autumns in this small study, he followed his elder brother to study in Japan. He lost his father when he was three years old, and his family was in dire straits at that time.With great difficulty, his elder brother graduated from W University in Japan, returned to Beijing, passed the Jinshi examination, and was assigned to work in the Ministry of Justice. In less than two years, the revolution in Wuchang started.At that time, he had already graduated from the county primary school, and was changing to a secondary school there.Everyone in his family blamed him for his impermanence, saying that his mind was too active; however, speaking from his own point of view, he thought that he was different from other students and could not study with them step by step.So after he entered the K House Middle School, he suddenly transferred to the H House Middle School in the first half of the year. After living in the H House Middle School for three months, the revolution started. After the suspension of H Mansion Middle School, he still had no choice but to return to his small study.The following spring, when he was seventeen, he entered the preparatory class for the university.This university is located outside Hangzhou, and was originally founded with donations from the Presbyterian Church of the United States, so the school is infiltrated with a kind of despotism, and the freedom of the students is almost as small as the eye of a needle.There is a prayer meeting on Wednesday night. Not only are you not allowed to go out to play on Sunday, but you are also not allowed to read other books at home. Apart from singing hymns and praying, you are only allowed to read the old and new testaments.Every morning from nine o'clock to nine twenty, you must go to church, and if you don't go to church, points will be deducted and demerits will be recorded.Although he loves the mountains and rivers near the school very much, there is always a sense of rebellion in his heart, because he is a person who loves freedom, and he is not willing to obey those superstitious controls.In the first half of the stay, the cook in the university, relying on the headmaster's influence, actually beat up the students.Some of the students were dissatisfied, so they told the principal, but the principal said that the students were not.Seeing the situation, he found it really unreasonable, so he immediately resigned and went home to the small study. It was already the beginning of June. He lived at home for more than three months, and when the autumn wind blew on the Fuchun River and the green trees on both sides were about to wither, he took a sailboat and went down the Fuchun River to Hangzhou.Fortunately, W Middle School in Shipailou was recruiting students there at that time, so he went in to see the principal M, and told M and his wife about his experience, and M allowed him to be admitted to the highest class.This Middle School W was originally a missionary school, and the principal, Mrs. M, was also a confused American missionary teacher; he saw that the content of this school was inferior to that of University H.I had a fight with a very despicable dean—it turned out that this gentleman was a graduate of H University—and he came out in the spring of the second year.After leaving W Middle School, he looked at the schools in Hangzhou, but they couldn't meet his expectations, so he decided not to go to other schools. It was at this time that his elder brother was also ostracized in Beijing.It turned out that his eldest brother was very upright, he handled affairs in the ministry, he was stern and selfless, and he was more knowledgeable than the general figures in the ministry, so everyone in the ministry feared him.One day, a personal secretary of a certain minister came to ask him for a position, but he refused, so the deputy minister had a quarrel with him, and after a few days he resigned from the ministry and changed his job to the judiciary. The sheriff went.His second brother was an officer in the Shaoxing army at that time. This second brother had a deep military habit, spent money like water, and liked to make friends with young men.The three brothers couldn't do what they wanted at this time, so the idlers in that small town said that their feng shui was broken. After he returned home, he lived in seclusion in his small study day and night.The books collected by his father, grandfather and elder brother became his good teachers and helpful friends.In his diary, he remembered poems day by day.Sometimes he also writes novels with gorgeous prose, in which he regards himself as a passionate warrior, and the two daughters of a widow in a neighboring family as the descendants of nobles, and the people of his hometown. Scenery, all compiled into pastoral scenes; when he is interested, he also translates his own novels into simple foreign languages; It was at this time that the cultivation was successful.After living at home for half a year, in mid-July, he received a letter from his elder brother saying: "There is a recent intention in the court to send me to Japan to investigate judicial affairs. I have promised the president to go east. I will see an order for this matter in the near future. Before going to Japan, I plan to go back to stay for a while. It is definitely not the best policy for the third brother to stay at home. This time I will go to Japan with Iraq." After he received this letter, he hoped that his elder brother would come south day by day, and it was not until the end of September that his brother and sister-in-law arrived home from Beijing.After staying for a month, he went to Japan with his eldest brother and sister-in-law. After arriving in Japan, his Dreams of the romantic age hadn't awakened yet, and half a year later, he was admitted to Tokyo Daiichi High School.It was the autumn of his nineteenth year. When the first high school was about to start, his elder brother received an order from the dean to go back.His elder brother entrusted him with a Japanese family. A few days later, his elder brother's sister-in-law and his newborn niece went back to China.There is a preparatory class in Tokyo's first high school, which is specially designed for Chinese students.One year of preparation in this preparatory course, and after graduation, you can enter the main courses of higher schools in various places and study with Japanese students.When he was admitted to the preparatory department, he originally filled in the liberal arts. Later, when he graduated from the preparatory department, his elder brother decided to change him to the medical department. He had no idea at the time, so he listened to his elder brother and changed the liberal arts up. After graduating from the preparatory school, he heard that the high school in N city was the newest and that N city was the place where Japanese beauties were produced, so he asked to go to the high school in N city. Four On the night of August 29, when he was 20 years old, he took a night train from Tokyo Central Station to N City alone. That day was about the third and fourth day of the lunar calendar, and the velvety blue and purple sky was full of stars.The half-scarred crescent moon hangs obliquely on the western corner of the sky, but it looks like a fairy's crescent eyebrows, without the appearance of Cuidai.He leaned against the window of the third-class car alone, silently counting the lights of other people's houses outside the window.The train went in the dark night atmosphere one by one, and the stars and lights of the metropolis dimmed little by little. Thousands of sorrows suddenly felt in his chest, and his eyes suddenly felt hot up. "Sentimental, too sentimental!" With such a cry, he wiped his eyes, and he laughed to himself instead. "You don't have a lover in Tokyo, and you don't have a brother or confidant living in Tokyo. Who are you shedding your tears for? Either it's the sadness about your past life, or the lingering affection for your life in the past two years. But don't you usually say that you don't love Tokyo? "Alas, living alone for a year is ruthless. "Huang Ying has known each other for a long time, and wants to stop crying four or five times!" After thinking wildly for a while, he suddenly thought of the Puritans who went to the New World for the first time. "Those exiles under the cross, when they left the coast of their hometown, were probably full of tragedy, just like me." After the train passed Yokohama, his feelings gradually calmed down.After sitting blankly for a while, he took out a postcard, put it on Heine's poetry collection, and wrote a poem in pencil to send to his friends in Tokyo. At the beginning of the willow shoots on the moon of Emei, and farewell to the former residence at the end of the world, The flag pavilions on the four walls compete for gambling wine, the lights on the six streets follow the cars far away, Luanli was young without many tears, Li's family was poor with only old books, In the evening, the reed roots and autumn waters grow long, and I rely on you to find Pisces in Nanpu. After sitting quietly in the dim electric light for a while, he opened Heine's poetry collection again. "Ledet wohl, ihr glatten Saale, Glatte Herren, glatte Frauen! Aufdie Berge will ich steigen, Lachend auf euch niederschauen!" Heines《Harzreise》 "Frivolous world, heartless man and woman, Look at the faint green hills, I want to ride the wind and fly away, stay and stay I will smile to see where you end up from that extreme peak. " The monotonous sound of the wheels flew to his eardrum one after another, and within thirty minutes he was lured into a dreamy fairyland by the hypnotic sound of the wheels. At five o'clock in the morning, the sky gradually brightened.Looking out of the car window, he saw a sliver of blue sky still surrounded by night.Probe out to look, a layer of mist, shrouded a natural painting, he thought to himself: "It turns out that today is the fine weather in Qingqiu, my blessing is really not thin." After an hour , the train arrives at the parking lot in City N. After getting off the train, he met a Japanese student at the station; he saw that the student's cap also had two white lines, and he knew that he was also a student of a high school.He stepped forward, took off his hat to the student, and asked him: "Where is No. X High School?" The student replied; "Let's go all the way." He ran out of the train station with the student, and took a tram in front of the train station. It was still very early, and the shops in N City hadn't woken up yet.He took the tram with the Japanese student, passed through a few deserted streets, and got off in front of Crane Dance Park.He asked the Japanese student: "Is the school still far away?" "There are still two miles to go." When he walked through the park and walked to the narrow road among the rice fields, he saw that the sun had risen, and the dewdrops on the rice were still hanging there like pearls.There is a clump of woods in front, and in the shade of the woods, a few rafters of farmhouses can be seen sparsely.Two or three chimney-pipes jutted above the farmhouse, floating faintly in the morning air.Wisps of green smoke floated there like incense, and he knew that the peasant family had already cooked breakfast there. Go to a hotel near the school and ask, the few pieces of luggage he sent a week ago have already arrived there.It turned out that the family used to live with Chinese students studying abroad, so the owner treated him very kindly.After staying in that hotel, he felt that there were many joys waiting for him in the future. His hopes for the future had to be mocked on the night of the first day by the reality of the present.It turned out that his hometown was also a small town.After arriving in Tokyo, among the crowds of people, although he often felt lonely, the urban life in Tokyo did not conflict with his childhood habits.Now that he has arrived in the countryside of City N, his hotel is an isolated family with no neighbors on all sides. Outside the door on the left is a long avenue, with rice fields in the front and back, and a pool of water in the west. Classes hadn't started yet, and other students hadn't arrived yet, so he was the only guest living in this spacious hotel.During the day, he could pass by, but at night, when he opened the window, he saw dark shadows all around him, and because the city of N was surrounded by a large plain, he could see the sky, and there was no shelter on all sides. There is a little light in the room, flickering and flickering, and it is a little ghostly.In the ceiling, there are many insects and rats, scrambling for food there.There are a few sycamore trees outside the window, and the leaves are rustling in the breeze. Because he lives on the second floor, the sound of the leaves of the sycamore trees is close to his ears.He felt frightened and almost cried.Never has he been more nostalgic for the city than that night. The school started, and his friends gradually increased.His temperament, which is very sensitive, also blends with the sky, the earth, the jungle and the wild water.In less than half a year, he has become a darling of nature, and he cannot be separated from the natural wildness for a moment.His school is outside the city of N. As I said just now, the vicinity of the city is a large plain, so the horizons on all sides are very broad.At that time, Japan's industry was not yet very developed, and the population had not increased as much as it is now, so the vicinity of his school was mostly jungle clearings, small mounds and low hills.Except for a few stationery stores and restaurants that do business with students, there are no residents nearby.In the wilderness of the world, there are only a few hotels for students, scattered in the middle of the wheat fields and melons like the shadows of stars in the dawn.After dinner, it is very happy to wear a black cloth mandou (cloak), take a book you like to read, and take a walk in the midst of the late sunset.His pastoral interest was probably developed in the middle of this Idyllic Wanderings. He felt even more uncomfortable when life was less competitive and free and easy, just like in the Middle Ages.The school textbooks also gradually became disgusted. He read and reread French naturalistic novels and the few famous Chinese pornographic novels, and he almost memorized them by heart. Sometimes when he suddenly comes up with a good poem, he himself likes it very much, thinking that his brain power has not been damaged yet.At that time, he always swore to himself: "My brain power is still capable, and I can still write such poems. I will never commit crimes again. The facts of the past are helpless, and I will never commit crimes again. If I start a new life from now on, my brain power will still be very good.” However, when the time came, he forgot his oath again. Every Thursday and Friday, or on the 26th and 7th of each month, he simply had fun with all his heart.He thought in his heart, since next Monday or the beginning of next month, I will never sin again.Sometimes it happens to be Saturday or the night of the end of the month, and he goes to shave his head and take a bath, thinking that this is a sign of reformation, but after a few days he has to eat chicken and milk again. His self-blame and fear did not keep him at ease for a day, and his depression became more severe from then on.This state lasted for a month or two, and his school had a summer vacation. During the two months of summer vacation, he suffered from more distress than usual; When he got taller, his blue-gray eye sockets became bigger, and his flexible pupils became like the eyes of a dead fish. Fives Autumn is here again.The vast sky is getting higher day by day.The rice fields next to his hotel are all golden.The cool breeze of day and night pierces people's hearts like a knife. It seems that the good days of autumn and winter are not far away. One afternoon a week ago, he took a book of Wordsworth's poems and strolled along the farm road for half a day.Since that day, his cyclical depression has not left him.The two female students I met on the road a few days ago often lived in a quiet and elegant place where the atmosphere was pure, where he didn't get along with the villains, and his life was like a dream.It has been more than half a year since he arrived in N City. The south wind blows day and night, the grass gradually turns green, and the ears of wheat in the wheat field near the hotel also grow inch by inch.Plants, trees, insects and fish have all grown up, and the depression passed down from his ancestors has also increased day by day, and the crimes he committed in bed every morning have also added up time after time. He was originally a person who loved nobleness and cleanliness, but when this evil thought occurred, his intellect was useless and his conscience was paralyzed. , can't take care of everything.After he commits a crime, he regrets it deeply and says through gritted teeth that he will never do it again, but by the time of the next day, all kinds of fantasies come vividly before his eyes again.The remnants of "Yifu" that he usually sees are all naked to seduce him.The figure of a middle-aged woman, in his mind, provokes his emotions more than that of a virgin.He suffered a lot, fought hard, and finally had to be their prisoner.This once became twice, and after two times, it became a habit.After he committed a crime, every time he went to the library to look up medical books, the medical books all said that this kind of crime was the most harmful to the body.Since then, his fear has increased day by day.One day he did not know where he got the news. It seemed to be a book saying that Gogol, the founder of modern Russian literature, also suffered from this disease. My heart was relieved, because the author of "Dead Soul" is also the same as him.However, this was nothing more than his family's comfort to himself, and there was always a very worry in his chest. Because he loves cleanliness very much, he always takes a bath once a day, and because he loves his body very much, he always eats some raw chicken and milk every day; however, when he takes a bath or eats milk and chicken, He always felt very ashamed, because it was all evidence of his crime. He felt that his body was getting weaker day by day, and his memory was also weakening day by day. He gradually developed a kind of fear of seeing people. When he saw a woman, his mind would not calm him down. What happened that day, he still had to blush all by himself. No matter where he goes recently, he always feels restless.When he went to school, he felt that his Japanese classmates seemed to reject him there.He may not have visited some of his Chinese classmates for a long time, because he felt empty in his heart when he came back from the visits.Because several of his Chinese classmates couldn't understand his psychology.When he went to search, he always wanted to get some sympathy back, but when he got there, after talking a few words, he had to regret that he made a mistake in the search.Sometimes he talks speculatively with his friends, and he takes up the enthusiasm for a while, and tells his friends about his internal and external life. However, on the way home, he regrets his slip of the tongue, and the reproach in his heart is worse than that of visiting friends. Time, even more powerful.Several of his Chinese friends therefore said that he was suffering from a mental illness.After hearing this, he felt a revenge towards those Chinese classmates as well as the Japanese students.He became estranged from several of his Chinese classmates day by day.Later, even on the road or when they met at school, he and his Chinese classmates did not nod their heads.Of course, he would not attend the meeting of Chinese students studying abroad.Therefore, he and several of his compatriots have become enemies of two families. Among his Chinese classmates, there is also a very strange person, because his own marriage is somewhat morally sinful, so he likes to talk about other people's scandals to cover up his own badness, saying that he is crazy, and he is also this classmate Said. After he separated from each other, he was so lonely that he was almost dying. Fortunately, in the hotel where he lived, there was a daughter of the owner who could draw his heart, otherwise he would really have to commit suicide.The daughter of the owner of his hotel is seventeen years old this year. She has a square face and big eyes. When she smiles, she has two dimples on her face and a gold tooth in her mouth. I think her own smile is very cute, so she usually laughs there. Although he loves her very much in his heart, when she brings him food or spreads his quilt, he always pretends to be irresistible.Although he wanted to say a few words to her in his heart, but when he saw her, he couldn't speak.When she came into his room, his breathing was so short that he couldn't breathe out.He couldn't bear to suffer in her presence, so lately when she came into his room he had to run out of the room.However, his longing for her grew stronger day by day.One Saturday night, the students in the hotel all went to N City to have fun.他因为经济困难,所以吃了晚饭,上西面池上去走了一回,就回到旅舍里来枯坐。 回家来坐了一会,他觉得那空旷的二层楼上,只有他一个人在家。静悄悄的坐了半晌,坐得不耐烦起来的时候,他又想跑出外面去。然而要跑出外面去,不得不由主人的房门口经过,因为主人和他女儿的房,就在大门的边上。他记得刚才进来的时候,主人和他的女儿正在那里吃饭。他一想到经过她面前的时候的苦楚,就把跑出外面去的心思丢了。 拿出了一本G.Gissing的小说来读了三四页之后,静寂的空气里,忽然传了几声沙沙的泼水声音过来。他静静儿的听了一听,呼吸又一霎时的急了起来,面色也涨红了。迟疑了一会,他就轻轻的开了房门,拖鞋也不拖,幽脚幽手的走下扶梯去。轻轻的开了便所的门,他尽兀自的站在便所的玻璃窗口偷看。原来他旅馆里的浴室,就在便所的间壁,从便所的玻琉窗看去,浴室里的动静了了可看。他起初以为看一看就可以走的,然而到了一看之后,他竟同被钉子钉住的一样,动也不能动了。 那一双雪样的乳峰! 那一双肥白的大腿! 这全身的曲线! 呼气也不呼,仔仔细细的看了一会,他面上的筋肉,都发起痉挛来了。愈看愈颤得厉害,他那发颤的前额部竟同玻琉窗冲击了一下。被蒸气包住的那赤裸裸的“伊扶”便发了娇声问说: “是谁呀?……” 他一声也不响,急忙跳出了便所,就三脚两步的跑上楼上去了。 他跑到了房里,面上同火烧的一样,口也干渴了。一边他自家打自家的嘴巴,一边就把他的被窝拿出来睡了。他在被窝里翻来覆去,总睡不着,便立起了两耳,听起楼下的动静来。他听听泼水的声音也息了,浴室的门开了之后,他听见她的脚步声好像是走上楼来的样子。用被包着了头,他心里的耳朵明明告诉他说: “她已经立在门外了。” 他觉得全身的血液,都在往上奔注的样子。心里怕得非常,羞得非常,也喜欢得非常。然而若有人问他,他无论如何,总不肯承认说,这时候他是喜欢的。 他屏住了气息,尖着了两耳听了一会,觉得门外并无动静,又故意喀嗽了一声,门外亦无声响。他正在那里疑惑的时候,忽听见她的声音,在楼下同她的父亲在那里说话。他手里捏了一把冷汗,拚命想听出她的话来,然而无论如何总听不清楚。停了一会,她的父亲高声笑了起来,他把被蒙头的一罩,咬紧了牙齿说: “她告诉了他了!她告诉了他了!”这一天的晚上他一睡也不曾睡着。第二天的早晨,天亮的时候,他就惊心吊胆的走下楼来。洗了手面,刷了牙,趁主人和他的女儿还没有起来之先,他就同逃也似的出了那个旅馆,跑到外面来。 官道上的沙尘,染了朝露,还未曾干着。太阳已经起来了。他不问皂白,便一直的往东走去,远远有一个农夫,拖了一车野菜慢慢的走来。那农夫同他擦过的时候,忽然对他说: "Good morning!" 他倒惊了一跳,那清瘦的脸上,又起了一层红潮,胸前又乱跳起来,他心里想: “难道这农夫也知道了么?” 无头无脑的跑了好久,他回转头来看看他的学校,已经远得很了,举头看看,太阳也升高了。他摸摸表看,那银饼大的表,也不在身边。从太阳的角度看起来,大约已经是九点钟前后的样子。他虽然觉得饥饿得很,然而无论如何,总不愿意再回到那旅馆里去,同主人和他的女儿相见。想去买些零食充一充饥,然而他摸摸自家的袋看,袋里只剩了一角二分钱在那里。他到一家乡下的杂货店内,尽那一角二分钱,买了些零碎的食物,想去寻一处无人看见的地方去吃。走到了一处两路交叉的十字路口,他朝南的一望,只见与他的去路横交的那一条自北趋南的路上,行人稀少得很。那一条路是向南的斜低下去的,两面更有高壁在那里,他知道这路是从一条小山中开辟出来的。他刚才走来的那条大道,便是这山的岭脊,十字路当作了中心,与岭脊上的那条大道相交的横路,是两边低斜下去的。在十字路口迟疑了一会,他就取了那一条向南斜下的路走去。走尽了两面的高壁,他的去路就穿入大平原去,直通到彼岸的市内。平原的彼岸有一簇深林,划在碧空的心里,他心里想: “这大约就是A神宫了。” 他走尽了两面的高壁,向左手斜面上一望,见沿高壁的那山面上有一道女墙,围住着几间茅舍,茅舍的门上悬着了“香雪海”三字的一方匾额。他离开了正路,走上几步,到那女墙的门前,顺手的向门一推,那两扇柴门竟自开了。他就随随便便的踏了进去。门内有一条曲径,自门口通过了斜面,直达到山上去的。曲径的两旁,有许多老苍的梅树种在那里,他知道这就是梅林了。顺了那一条曲径,往北的从斜面上走到山顶的时候,一片同图画似的平地,展开在他的眼前。这园自从山脚上起,跨有朝南的半山斜面,同顶上的一块平地,布置得非常幽雅。 山顶平地的西面是千仞的绝壁,与隔岸的绝壁相对峙,两壁的中间,便是他刚走过的那一条自北趋南的通路。背临着了那绝壁,有一间楼屋,几间平屋造在那里。因为这几间屋,门窗都闭在那里,他所以知道这定是为梅花开日,卖酒食用的。楼屋的前面,有一块草地,草地中间,有几方白石,围成了一个花园,圈子里,卧着一枝老梅,那草地的南尽头,山顶的平正要向南斜下去的地方,有一块石碑立在那里,系记这梅林的历史的。他在碑前的草地上坐下之后,就把买来的零食拿出来吃了。 吃了之后,他兀兀的在草地上坐了一会。四面并无人声,远远的树枝上,时有一声两声的鸟鸣声飞来。他仰起头来看看澄清的碧落,同那皎洁的日轮,觉得四面的树枝房屋,小草飞禽,都一样的在和平的太阳光里,受大自然的化育。他那昨天晚上的犯罪的记忆,正同远海的帆影一般,不知消失到那里去了。 这梅林的平地上和斜面上,叉来叉去的曲径很多。他站起来走来走去的走了一会,方晓得斜面上梅树的中间,更有一间平屋造在那里。从这一间房屋往东的走去几步,有眼古井,埋在松叶堆中。他摇摇井上的唧筒看,呷呷的响了几声,却抽不起水来。He thought to himself: “这园大约只有梅花开的时候,开放一下,平时总没有人住的。” 到这时他又自言自语的说: “既然空在这里,我何妨去向园主人去借住借住。”想定了主意,他就跑下山来,打算去寻园主人去。他将走到门口的时候,却好遇见了一个五十来岁的农夫走进园来。他对那农夫道歉之后,就问他说: “这园是谁的,你可知道?” “这园是我经管的。”“你住在什么地方的?”“我住在路的那面。” 一边这样的说,一边那农民指着通路西边的一间小屋给他看。他向西一看,果然在西边的高壁尽头的地方,有一间小屋在那里。他点了点头,又问说: “你可以把园内的那间楼屋租给我住住么?” “可是可以的,你只一个人么?” “我只一个人。” “那你可不必搬来的。” “这是什么缘故呢?” “你们学校里的学生,已经有几次搬来过了,大约都因为冷静不过,住不上十天,就搬走的。” “我可同别人不同,你但能租给我,我是不怕冷静的。” “这样那里有不租的道理,你想什么时候搬来?” “就是今天午后罢。” “可以的,可以的。” “请你就替我扫一扫干净,免得搬来之后着忙。” “可以可以。再会!” "Goodbye!" six 搬进了山上梅园之后,他的忧郁症又变起形状来了。 他同他的北京的长兄,为了一些儿细事,竟生起龃龉来。他发了一封长长的信,寄到北京,同他的长兄绝了交。 那一封信发出之后,他呆呆的在楼前草地上想了许多时候。他自家想想看,他便是世界上最不幸的人了。其实这一次的决裂,是发始于他的。同室操戈,事更甚于他姓之相争,自此之后,他恨他的长兄竟同蛇蝎一样,他被他人欺侮的时候,每把他长兄拿出来作比: “自家的弟兄,尚且如此,何况他人呢!” 他每达到这一个结论的时候,必尽把他长兄待他苛刻的事情,细细回想出来。把各种过去的事迹,列举出来之后,就把他长兄判决是一个恶人,他自家是一个善人。他又把自家的好处列举出来,把他所受的苦处,夸大的细数起来。他证明得自家是一个世界上最苦的人的时候,他的眼泪就同瀑布似的流下来。他在那里哭的时候,空中好像有一种柔和的声音在对他说: “啊呀,哭的是你么?那真是冤屈了你了。像你这样的善人,受世人的那样的虐待,这可真是冤屈了你了。罢了罢了,这也是天命,你别再哭了,怕伤害了你的身体!” 他心里一听到这一种声音,就舒畅起来。他觉得悲苦的中间,也有无穷的甘味在那里。 他因为想复他长兄的仇,所以就把所学的医科丢弃了,改入文科里去,他的意思,以为医科是他长兄要他改的,仍旧改回文科,就是对他长兄宣战的一种明示。并且他由医科改入文科,在高等学校须迟卒业一年。他心里想,迟卒业一年,就是早死一岁,你若因此迟了一年,就到死可以对你长兄含一种敌意。因为他恐怕一二年之后,他们兄弟两人的感情,仍旧要和好起来;所以这一次的转科,便是帮他永久敌视他长兄的一个手段。 气候渐渐儿的寒冷起来,他搬上山来之后,已经有一个月了,几日来天气阴郁,灰色的层云,天天挂在空中。寒冷的北风吹来的时候,梅林的树叶,每息索息索的飞掉下来。初搬来的时候,他卖了些旧书,买了许多烩饭的器具,自家烧了一个月饭,因为天冷了,他也懒得烧了。他每天的伙食,就一切包给了山脚下的园丁家包办,所以他近来只同退院的闲僧一样,除了怨人骂己之外,更没有别的事情了。 有一天早晨,他侵早的起来,把朝东的窗门开了之后,他看见前面的地平线上有几缕红云,在那里浮荡。东天半角,反照出一种银红的灰色。因为昨天下了一天微雨,所以他看了这清新的旭日,比平日更添了几分欢喜。他走到山的斜面上,从那古井里汲了水,洗了手面之后,觉得满身的气力,一霎时都回复了转来的样子。他便跑上楼去,拿了一本黄仲则的诗集下来,一边高声朗读,一边尽在那梅林的曲径里,跑来跑去的跑圈子。不多一会,太阳起来了。 从他住的山顶向南方看去,眼下看得出一大平原。平原里的稻田,都尚未收割起。金黄的谷色,以绀碧的天空作了背景,反映着一天太阳的晨光,那风景正同看密来(Millet)的田园清画一般。他觉得自家好像已经变了几千年前的原始基督教徒的样子,对了这自然的默示,他不觉笑起自家的气量狭小起来。 “赦饶了!赦饶了!你们世人得罪于我的地方,我都饶赦了你们罢,来,你们来,都来同我讲和罢!”手里拿着了那一本诗集,眼里浮着了两泓清泪,正对了那平原的秋色,呆呆的立在那里想这些事情的时候,他忽听见他的近边,有两人在那里低声的说: “今晚上你一定要来的哩!” 这分明是男子的声音。 “我是非常想来的,但是恐怕……” 他听了这娇滴滴的女子的声音之后,好像是被电气贯穿了的样子,觉得自家的血液循环都停止了。原来他的身边有一丛长大的苇草生在那里,他立在苇草的右面,那一对男女,大约是在苇草的左面,所以他们两个还不晓得隔着苇草,有人站在那里。The man said again: “你心真好,请你今晚上来罢,我们到如今还没在被窝里睡过觉。” "..." 他忽然听见两人的嘴唇,灼灼的好像在那里吮吸的样子。 他同偷了食的野狗一样,就惊心吊胆的把身子屈倒去听了。“你去死罢,你去死罢,你怎么会下流到这样的地步!” 他心里虽然如此的在那里痛骂自己,然而他那一双尖着的耳朵,却一言半语也不愿意遗漏,用了全副精神在那里听着。 地上的落叶索息索息的响了一下。 解衣带的声音。 男人嘶嘶的吐了几口气。 舌尖吮吸的声音。 女人半轻半重,断断续续的说: “你!……你!……你快……快○○罢。……别……别……别被人……被人看见了。” 他的面色,一霎时的变了灰色了。他的眼睛同火也似的红了起来。他的上腭骨同下腭骨呷呷的发起颤来。他再也站不住了。他想跑开去,但是他的两只脚,总不听他的话。他苦闷了一场,听听两人出去了之后,就同落水的猫狗一样,回到楼上房里去,拿出被窝来睡了。 seven 他饭也不吃,一直在被窝里睡到午后四点钟的时候才起来。那时候夕阳洒满了远近。平原的彼岸的树林里,有一带苍烟,悠悠扬扬的笼罩在那里。他踉踉跄跄的走下了山,上了那一条自北趋南的大道,穿过了那平原,无头无绪的尽是向南的走去。走尽了平原,他已经到了神宫前的电车停留处了。那时候却好从南面有一乘电车到来,他不知不觉就跳了上去,既不知道他究章为什么要乘电车,也不知道这电车是往什么地方去的。 走了十五六分钟,电车停了,运车的教他换车,他就换了一乘车。走了二三十分钟,电车又停了,他听见说是终点了,他就走了下来。他的前面就是筑港了。 前面一片汪洋的大海,横在午后的太阳光里,在那里微笑。超海而南有一条青山,隐隐的浮在透明的空气里,西边是一脉长堤,直驰到海湾的心里去。堤外有一处灯台,同巨人似的,立在那里。几艘空船和几只舢板,轻轻的在系着的地方浮荡。海中近岸的地方,有许多浮标,饱受了斜阳,红红的浮在那里。远处风来,带着几句单调的话声,既听不清楚是什么话,也不知道是从那里来的。 他在岸边上走来走去走了一会,忽听见那一边传过了一阵击磬的声来。他跑过去一看,原来是为唤渡船而发的。他立了一会,看有一只小火轮从对岸过来了。跟着了一个四五十岁的工人,他也进了那只小火轮去坐下了。 渡到东岸之后,上前走了几步,他看见靠岸有一家大庄子在那里。大门开得很大,庭内的假山花草,布置得楚楚可爱。他不问是非,就踱了进去。走不上几步,他忽听得前面家中有女人的娇声叫他说: “请进来呀!” 他不觉惊了一下,就呆呆的站住了。He thought to himself: “这大约就是卖酒食的人家,但是我听见说,这样的地方,总有妓女在那里的。” 一想到这里,他的精神就抖擞起来,好像是一桶冷水浇上身来的样子。他的面色立时变了。要想进去又不能进去,要想出来又不得出来;可怜他那同兔儿似的小胆,同猿猴似的淫心,竟把他陷到一个大大的难境里去了。 “进来吓!请进来吓!” 里面又娇滴滴的叫了起来,带着笑声。 “可恶东西,你们竟敢欺我胆小么?” 这样的怒了一下,他的面色更同火也似的烧了起来。咬紧了牙齿,把脚在地上轻轻的蹬了一蹬,他就捏了两个拳头,向前进去,好像是对了那几个年轻的侍女宣战的样子。但是他那青一阵红一阵的面色,和他的面上的微微儿在那里震动的筋肉,总隐藏不过。他走到那几个侍女的面前的时候,几乎要同小孩似的哭出来了。 “请上来!” “请上来!” 他硬了头皮,跟了一个十七八岁的侍女走上楼去,那时候他的精神已经有些镇静下来了。走了几步,经过一条暗暗的夹道的时候,一阵恼人的花粉香气,同日本女人特有的一种肉的香味,和头发上的香油气息合作了一处,哼的扑上他的鼻孔来。他立刻觉得头晕起来,眼睛里看见了几颗火星,向后边跌也似的退了一步。他再定睛一看,只见他的前面黑暗暗的中间,有一长圆形的女人的粉面,堆着了微笑,在那里问他说:“ you!你还是上靠海的地方呢?还是怎样? " 他觉得女人口里吐出来的气息,也热和和的哼上他的面来。他不知不觉把这气息深深的吸了一口。他的意识,感觉到他这行为的时候,他的面色又立刻红了起来。他不得已只能含含糊糊的答应她说: “上靠海的房间里去。” 进了一间靠海的小房间,那侍女便问他要什么菜。他就回答说: “随便拿几样来罢。” “酒要不要?” “要的。” 那侍女出去之后,他就站起来推开了纸窗,从外边放了一阵空气进来。因为房里的空气,沉浊得很,他刚才在夹道中闻过的那一阵女人的香味,还剩在那里,他实在是被这一阵气味压迫不过了。 一湾大海,静静的浮在他的面前。外边好像是起了微风的样子,一片一片地海浪,受了阳光的返照,同金鱼的鱼鳞似的,在那里微动。他立在窗前看了一会,低声的吟了一句诗出来: “夕阳红上海边楼。” 他向西的一望,见太阳离西南的地平线只有一丈多高了。呆呆的看了一会,他的心想怎么也离不开刚才的那个侍女。她的口里的头上的面上的和身体上的那一种香味,怎么也不容他的心思去想别的东西。他才知道他想吟诗的心是假的,想女人的肉体的心是真的了。 停了一会,那侍女把酒菜搬了进来,跪坐在他的面前,亲亲热热的替他上酒。他心里想仔仔细细的看她一看,把他的心里的苦闷都告诉了她,然而他的眼睛怎么也不敢平视她一眼,他的舌根怎么也不能摇动一摇动。他不过同哑子一样,偷看看她那搁在膝上一双纤嫩的白手,同衣缝里露出来的一条粉红的围裙角。 原来日本的妇人都不穿裤子,身上贴肉只围着一条短短的围裙。外边就是一件长袖的衣服,衣服上也没有钮扣,腰里只缚着一条一尺多宽的带子,后面结着一个方结。她们走路的时候,前面的衣服每一步一步的掀开来,所以红色的围裙,同肥白的腿肉,每能偷看。这是日本女子特别的美处;他在路上遇见女子的时候,注意的就是这些地方。他切齿的痛骂自己,畜生!Thief!卑怯的人!也便是这个时候。 他看了那侍女的围裙角,心头便乱跳起来。愈想同她说话,但愈觉得讲不出话来。大约那侍女是看得不耐烦起来了,便轻轻的问他说: “你府上是什么地方?” 一听了这一句话,他那清瘦苍白的面上,又起了一层红色;含含糊糊的回答了一声,他呐呐的总说不出清晰的回话来。可怜他又站在断头台上了。 原来日本人轻视中国人,同我们轻视猪狗一样。日本人都叫中国人作“支那人”,这“支那人”三字,在日本,比我们骂人的“贱贼”还更难听,如今在一个如花的少女前头,他不得不自认说:“我是支那人”了。 “中国呀中国,你怎么不强大起来!” 他全身发起抖来,他的眼泪又快滚下来了。 那侍女看他发颤发得厉害,就想让他一个人在那里喝酒,好教他把精神安镇安镇,所以对他说: “酒就快没有了,我再去拿一瓶来罢?” 停了一会他听得那侍女的脚步声又走上楼来。他以为她是上他这里来的,所以就把衣服整了一整,姿势改了一改。但是他被她欺骗了。她原来是领了两三个另外的客人,上间壁的那一间房间里去的。那两三个客人都在那里对那侍女取笑,那侍女也娇滴滴的说: “别胡闹了,间壁还有客人在那里。” 他听了就立刻发起怒来。他心里骂他们说: “狗才!俗物!你们都敢来欺侮我么?复仇复仇,我总要复你们的仇。世间那里有真心的女子!那侍女的负心东西,你竟敢把我丢了么?罢了罢了,我再也不爱女人了,我再也不爱女人了。我就爱我的祖国,我就把我的祖国当作了情人罢。” 他马上就想跑回去发愤用功。但是他的心里,却很羡慕那间壁的几个俗物。他的心里,还有一处地方在那里盼望那个侍女再回到他这里来。 他按住了怒,默默的喝干了几杯酒,觉得身上热起来。打开了窗门,他看太阳就快要下山去了。又连饮了几杯,他觉得他面前的海景都朦胧起来。西面堤外的灯台的黑影,长大了许多。一层茫茫的薄雾,把海天融混作了一处。在这一层浑沌不明的薄纱影里,西方的将落不落的太阳,好象在那里惜别的样子。他看了一会,不知道是什么缘故,只觉得好笑。呵呵的笑了一回,他用手擦擦自家那火热的双颊,便自言自语的说: “醉了醉了!” 那侍女果然进来了。见他红了脸,立在窗口在那里痴笑,便问他说: “窗开了这样大,你不冷的么?” “不冷不冷,这样好的落照,谁舍得不看呢?” “你真是一个诗人呀!酒拿来了。” “诗人!我本来是一个诗人。你去把纸笔拿了来,我马上写首诗给你看看。” 那侍女出去了之后,他自家觉得奇怪起来。他心里想:“我怎么会变了这样大胆的?” 痛饮了几杯新拿来的热酒,他更觉得快活起来,又禁不得呵呵笑了一阵。他听见间壁房间里的那几个俗物,高声的唱起日本歌来,他也放大了嗓子唱着说: “醉拍阑干酒意寒,江湖寥落又冬残, 剧怜鹦鹉中州骨,未拜长沙太傅宫, 一饭千金图报易,几人五噫出关难, 茫茫烟水回头望,也为神州泪暗弹。 " 高声的念了几遍,他就在席上醉倒了。 Eight 一醉醒来,他看看自家睡在一条红绸的被里,被上有一种奇怪的香气。这一间房间也不很大,但已不是白天的那一间房间了。房中挂着一盏十烛光的电灯,枕头边上摆着了一壶茶,两只杯子。他倒了二三杯茶,喝了之后,就踉踉跄跄的走到房外去。他开了门,却好白天的那侍女也跑过来了。她问他说: “你!你醒了么?” 他点了一点头,笑微微的回答说: “醒了。便所是在什么地方的?” “我领你去罢。”
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