Chapter 2 two

Some people said she was beautiful, and that was fifteen years ago.From the age of fourteen or fifteen, she had felt a little secret pleasure in this kind of praise.At the age of sixteen, she transferred to a senior high school to study, and when she was able to apply powder in front of a big mirror, she already felt that beauty made her happy, and it could also give her a little trouble.Whenever there are guests in the school or a meeting needs to be decorated with beautiful girls as ceremonies, she must be present, a little scared and a little disturbed, but on the other hand she is really willing to appear in public and accept the praise of most people with a little flattery.She has a gentle personality, perfect eyebrows, hair, and siblings, and the result is naturally a common destiny for beautiful and self-conscious girls, and has attracted the attention of many people.When she was at school, a middle-aged teacher had a problem because of her, and she was dismissed from her post.This was the first time that she understood the incomprehensibility of human relationships.The second is to get a girlfriend with a man at school, and then when the holidays come, you become a guest in the girlfriend's house, and you get all kinds of attention from the girlfriend, which is just like the love you can get from a lover.After the death of his parents, he became a guest at his girlfriend's house for a long time.

At the age of twenty, another man joined in his life, a sophomore in college. He was not very smart, but his personality was strong and self-respecting, capable of loving but not very good at loving.Not long after, I received two points of concern at another opportunity, from the two brothers.A year later, another American student came here. He was teaching at a famous local university. He was honest and loyal.After a while a new friend came along, older, of some social standing, witty and earnest, but engaged to someone else.As a result, these various friendships have naturally undergone some changes in her life, and many problems have arisen.

Love and resentment, joy and disappointment, all situations occur gradually one by one as seen in ordinary society and as described in novels.Since everyone has become the protagonist of a small group in this society, she has experienced some new things under a new emotion.Mild jealousies, divided concerns, unsettling legends, and the inevitable emotional entanglements, funny or crude impressions that are inevitable in this complex situation.In the past three years, she has received a new life education, and her life has also gained a little depth.The young people who came to her had their own agendas, they were too young, their ability to control their emotions was limited, and their emotions were particularly strong. In the end, they naturally left her one by one according to their reasons.The first was the college student, who walked away because of uncontrollable enthusiasm and jealous slander.Secondly, the two brothers are not the same, she wants to make a choice, her personality is weak, and the situation is impossible, so she cut off the relationship together.American students want to get married every time they see each other. If the marriage is not successful, they think that the whole thing is a failure and their life will collapse. However, they use a simple way to marry another mediocre woman. After subtracting her difficulties, they can be regarded as saved. his own failure.

The young boys walked away one after another. For her, although the trouble was reduced, of course, some emotions were accumulated. She felt that life was empty and boring, which must be the phenomenon that a slightly nervous girl should have.But it also increased her knowledge a little. "Love", the same word, has different interpretations for men and women, and I feel that men inevitably contain some terrible selfish ideas about this term.Fortunately, the "friendship" of the older friend, because of the selflessness, is expanding her fantasy of existence at this time, giving her a chance to raise her self-confidence and self-esteem in life.And read some books, books and friendship at the same time make life regain a kind of stability.She also knew that this friendship was unusual, but she saw that it was impossible, so she carefully restrained herself, reducing her fantasy to almost a "zero".Although becoming a zero, restricting the scope of desire with politeness, I realize in my heart that life is not in vain.She then experienced some things from this cautious and sincere friendship.

Another kind of divided concern, artificial indifference, and the resulting slight sorrow of gains and losses. Everything turns from the concrete to the symbolic, a real education that cultivates her emotions and frustrates her emotions.Although life felt a bit depressing, it was still compatible with the environment at that time. However, since fantasy and reality are at odds, she gradually feels the need to struggle, but her temperament and habits bind her to her original life, and she cannot struggle.She was a little helpless, a little do not know what to do.Just thought, this is "fate".

Use fate to talk about self-explanation, but I am really unwilling to bow to this fate in the long run. War changes everything. The world order is destroyed by stubborn hearts and hard steel. Of course, individuals will be affected by it.Because of this, most people completely changed their lives, and because of this, she solved a seemingly helpless problem. When the war came, the only old friend also left. She thought, "This is good, everything is over, and life can start again." Because I am a little older, I have a deeper heart, and I understand that I may not be able to use my own personality to save myself for a certain matter, but it seems that I need such a natural and concise ending.However, despite the vastness of China, there are still many opportunities for people to meet in this vast world.Many things were not expected in advance, and those that will come will still come.When these things come together in her life, they become her new destiny.

The war shortened the Chinese people's concept of space, and thousands of people ventured across the sea to inland and moved to a strange place. Like many people, she first thought that the war would be over soon, and decided that it was better to stay still.Later, seeing that the end of the war was nowhere in sight, and there was no hope of staying in the original place, I tried to go to the inland.The old classmate used to have a family in the north, and his life was very stable and orderly, so of course he didn't agree to leave.Later, seeing that he couldn't sustain it, he went on the road with him.People are needed for various affairs in the interior, so soon after arriving in XX, both of them got a job in a cultural institution.When I first came here, I was like many others, living a simple and dull life.But it didn't take long for things to change.Many old classmates have come to this new place, and because of other opportunities, I have made some new friends, and life seems lively and lively.

Life has undergone new changes, and it is combining with the hospitable nature of her old classmate, which is not quite in line with her ideals. All "facts" They all conflict with "ideals", and she is a little afraid.As she grows older, from the accumulation of age and experience, she seems to have a more serious temperament, and her life needs to be quieter.But the new life made her restless both physically and mentally.She would like to have some time to read, or to think about and digest all kinds of human affairs in the seven years since she was eighteen, and her daily life is just the opposite.

She is also a little ideal, she has a self-sufficient ideal outside of love or friendship, but in fact, there are only some troubles in daily life as usual.Although this trouble is new, it is actually old, and it has something to do with my temperament.Weak in character.Without the ability to choose independently, if you want to be a good person in everything, it is easy to be misunderstood and cause trouble.The biggest weakness is the desire to be a good person, which is mixed with the beauty self-consciousness that needs people's admiration and admiration, so in this respect, the emotional passivity is particularly increased.

Some young men and women have joined old classmates and new colleagues. Friendship or love has regained its place in the daily thinking of life.With such a pile of facts on the one hand, the faint ideals on the other, the new and the old on the one hand, living such a complicated and tiring life, she naturally felt very tired physically and mentally. The word "war" has a new meaning in her personal life. She seems to spend every day in the war of love and loss, and naturally she can't handle it for a long time.I already seem to know "friendship" and "love" very well, but now I am confused.On the one hand, we have to admit the habit, that is, the habit of getting along with old classmates, and on the other hand, we have to deny the present, that is, the present with no future.She didn't know how to save herself.Physiologically, a woman can neither make her thinking go deeper and more abstract, so she must endure, endure, and think, "Why don't I commit suicide?" "How good it is that I can forget everything!" In fact, I can't forget everything.

Fortunately, the old friend is still close, but it is also painful.Because of her age, she needs to reinterpret "friendship" and think about it from various aspects, and her point of view has a small error.It seemed as if she had got all she needed, but in fact she felt that what she got was a very insignificant portion.She understood that due to a certain weakness in temperament, being known too much by friends destroyed the "poetry" and "fire" in friendship.This creates an emotional state where he is not only unable to help her and encourage her to be a better person, but because of the prevailing irrelevant legends and other taboos, it seems that he is farther away from her mentally. Not a big connector.The upright and self-respecting friend who left her in a fit of anger in the past, although she regained some trust and a little hope from the correspondence, the letters always hope that she can start a new life and don't talk about other things.It means that she still has doubts about whether she can "be a human again".Suspicion and jealousy have not changed because they have been separated by seven thousand miles for six years. It was evident that this person would be of great help to her if he would come and see her.But that person was unable to act according to her wish because of anger or other matters.As for the two brothers, each has graduated from college, and each works thousands of miles away.My brother often writes letters, and I can see in the letters that he is very concerned. I hope that time will help him and change some people's attitudes.In fact, she put her hope and interest in the letter to her brother.The younger brother understood this matter and understood her temperament, so he kept a polite distance in the letter as usual.She needs to shorten this intentional distance a little bit, which is unthinkable.By another chance, a stranger came, a mid-level civil servant, who was thinking of proposing himself as a marriage proposal.Although she needs a family, but people are strangers and their lives are so far away, I really don't know where to start with this issue.Another friend, a student of engineering, came to her, and after giving Huatong cakes a dozen times, she was not very familiar with her, so she wanted to change the relationship in the same way. The two incidents and other similar issues created a special emotion among the ten-year-old classmates who lived together. Susceptible because of jealousy, they always thought that everyone was dividing or cooperating, and they were all planning something.She thought that if she was not on good terms with this one, she was planning to marry that one. The object of hostility changes with time, so she is also moody.The exclusive emotion has been lost, and love has become hate.All the phantasies, all the capricious acts that a woman is capable of in similar circumstances, occur one after the other.Because of this, she didn't understand that it just caused the person around her to have a strange state of mind, making her think that everyone was very harsh on her.Because of doubts and fears, I also think that this one must be heard by friends, and I believe it is true, and that one must be heard by friends, and I think it is true or the other.All my small mistakes in the past, dealing with misbehavior carefully, and leaving some stories behind, may be magnified by old classmates in front of others.This "possibility" disturbed her so much that she seemed to want to escape but there was no escape.This bizarre state of mind makes her very much in need of someone, and she needs to have such a person in a convenient situation. It doesn't matter if it is a little bit worse in all aspects, as long as she can trust, she can fill her own emptiness. As a result, an ordinary college student came into life.He is extremely ordinary, with clean clothes and a simple mind, but his appearance seems to be very honest and completely reliable.Just because people are useless, they are also harmless, which just happened to produce a little new friendship in her life.The result is naturally more trouble!First of all, because of the jealousy imposed on me by my classmates, I have a loyal and reliable friend who seems to be able to protect my emotional stability by my side, so naturally everything feels good.Then there was the weakness of character, which unknowingly gave this college student too many opportunities for intimacy that he shouldn't have.For a relatively long period of time, it was found that college students had no special skills to show for themselves, and their life concepts and what they had learned were surprisingly vulgar. If they continued to mix like this, the past with old friends gave her a little bit of the need to be an ideal person. increasingly distant.And what's more frightening is that habit transfers people, and many things can't be chosen by oneself.Although the old classmates controlled her in everything in the past, they also helped the growth of her fantasy.At present, this college student has gradually changed from the air of a loyal servant who is at his disposal, to the air of an independent master.College students, like many ordinary college students, have no purpose in life, no ideals, and no interest in reading. When they have nothing to do, they can only watch movies, and they have to go if they want to.Something about the future might be present, making her a little scared.I feel that this person's troubles in the future may be more powerful than the jealousy and discouragement of the old lover seven years ago, and the hysteria of the old classmate.Her new awakening made her wonder what to do with this life.If you want to get rid of this person, you can't get rid of it because of habit.Especially the old classmate's jealousy helped the college student invisibly, so she had to gain more trust from the college student and stabilize her emotions. So she lived in this helpless situation, accepting all the programs that must come, as if she had no independent ability to change this environment.In the midst of pain and weariness, a little new strength was needed to summon up her human spirit.In terms of friends, when I couldn't get what I needed, I ended up going with the college student as usual, eating, drinking, talking and laughing, accepting a little meaningless compliments and inappropriate courtesies. Of course this is impossible!It is precisely because although some new habits in life are not very good for a while, there are still many other impressions and fantasies in my emotions.These impressions and fantasies are all as beautiful and sublime as poetry, but when compared with the current facts, she cannot help feeling disgusted with the present.Looking at the "past" and "future", they seem to be far away, leaving only one person in the present.When an old classmate has a fit, scolding the college student as a vulgar and useless model can also arouse her rebellious emotions, generate conceit and self-esteem, and be more tolerant of college students.But when her old classmate kept silent, didn't mention anything, and listened to her playing with college students until midnight, she ignored her, and rationality gained power in her life, she felt a little ashamed. However, since she is a woman, the environment is limited and her habits are not easy to change, she still can only think about it, "I'm dead", of course I won't die, and think "I want to go", where is she going alone?I also thought "I want to be alone so that I can save myself", but I can't live without one person. There are people who live with each other, and people who work with each other every day and walk with them. Working on the desk, returning to the residence, maybe the college students have been waiting for a long time.This world seems to be already full of people, but they hinder each other and restrain each other. Being alone is simply an impossible dream!It is impossible to do it alone, the old classmates misunderstood a lot, and they all blamed her. I just felt that this was not possible, and that was not right, so the emotions of resistance and complaints against the old classmates grew accordingly.The first moment of shame was gone.So I went to bed silently, thinking silently, "Life is just like this". Naturally, I lost a lot of my spirit of rebirth without knowing it. Because although the current life is not happy at all, it does not seem to be very bitter.As the days go on, if you don't think deeply, although you don't see much progress, you can be said to be very happy!