Chapter 11 Sunlight

Thinking of my childhood, I think of a slender peony with a large flower, under the sunshine in spring, with bright red petals and golden stamens.I am that peony.Occasionally I feel a little sad, but it's like a morning glow. Although not as bright as the sun, it is still red after all.I don't really remember cloudy days when I was young; yes, it did rain sometimes, but my impression of rain is that beautiful rainbow, dragonflies flying around on the pond, and flowers with water droplets .I have known my delicacy and beauty since I was a child.Since I was a child, I was smarter than other children because I had the opportunity to learn things.If I say I know more than others, that's not necessarily the case; I don't need to learn anything.But I am shrewd, probably because many people do things for me; I open my mouth and things are done.In this way, my wisdom is how to order others and judge how others are doing: good or bad.So I'm shrewd.Others are lower than me, so they are under my orders; others are stupid than me, so they can't always satisfy my wishes.The superior position makes me shrewd.But I don't want to admit the superiority of my position, and I'm always confident that I'm shrewd.Therefore, not only am I in the sun, but I consider myself a bright, warm little sun; I myself shine.

My parents and brothers, if compared to others, are very shrewd and decent.But compared with me, they are not the most shrewd and decent.My parents only have me as a daughter, and my brothers only have me as a sister. I am naturally precious.Even my parents have to listen to me.I am always right.If I stumble on flat ground, they will scramble to beat the ground; if I say that the apple bit my lip, they will scold the apple in unison.I do not thank them, they should obey me.Everything in the world should obey Me. The childhood in my memory is a piece of sunlight, shining on colors that have not been arranged, like a piece of flowers of various colors in the wind, swaying complexly and colorfully.I also remember that I once suffered from a small illness, but the illness made me more delicate, adding many sweet and small sorrows, and unexpected love and affection.I still remember now the clear cubes of rock sugar, which reduced the bitterness of the concoction to almost lovely.When I was sick, I was an early flower in the greenhouse. Although a little weaker, it was more beautiful and gratifying.

Going to school is a big change, but the love of my parents and the protection of my teachers made me only remember my victory and forget the little pain.In the lower class, I already felt my own superiority.I am not afraid of strangers, I dare to sing and dance to strangers.My attire is always the prettiest.My grades are also the best; if I can't do something, someone will do it for me when I get home, and the highest score is mine.Because of the training in these schools, I have also gained reputation and glory among relatives and friends. I often go to draw yarn for the bride or carry flower baskets. I will watch my toes walk slowly and feel that my cheeks must It is as red as a crabapple flower with two petals.My toys, my school supplies, all testify to my wealth.I am very proud, but sometimes I am very generous. I will give something to whomever I love.When I was angry, I just tore up and broke my things to let everyone know my temper.

After entering high school, I began to feel my value.I'm powerful, I'm beautiful, I can talk, and I've secretly heard people talking about me, saying that I'm smart and exposed, and that my nostrils are turned up a little bit.I looked in the mirror and yes, they were right.But that doesn't diminish my beauty.As for being smart, I like that.My nostrils stick up a bit, not only a fact but a fact I'm proud of.I find my nostrils lovely, they turn up a little, as if to despise everything, and all challenges; the most powerful words in my heart come out a little from the nostrils first; when I say those words, my lips Slip down a little, drop the tip of the nose, like the sweet self-love of flowers in the evening.I don't pay much attention to homework; my school didn't pay much attention to homework.Besides, homework doesn't have much to do with me. My classmates and I are daughters of wealthy families. We don't care about clothes and grooming, so we don't have time to care about homework.Poor and gentlemen and workmen in schools!We cannot be under the leadership of our fellow workers any more than we can be under the direction of gentlemen.The gentlemen also know that they should not control the students.Besides, our reputation is not damaged because of this; we are the best in dancing, singing, and drama, and we are the first in every competition.Even hand-painting is our best. The materials we can afford are not available to students from other schools.We can't say that we love the school and the gentlemen, but we don't hate it and them. Our glory is often inseparable from the school.

In high school, my life was not full of sunshine.Sometimes I quarrel very badly with my classmates.Although most of the victories belonged to me, but during the battle, it took all my heart and soul.We often have opinions and divide into parties because of the style of clothing and hair, or other small things.I am always the leader.I have to plan carefully because I'm the leader.I was born to be a leader. Most of my classmates seem to be made of wood, they can only obey, they have no idea; I am their brain. In the year of graduation, my classmates and I all regarded ourselves as big girls.We love school very much.Not interested in homework, but we love the freedom in school.We were in a group of three, or in a group of two, huddled together, fully free to talk about things that we didn't quite understand but wanted to understand.We cannot find this kind of talk and joy in another place, we no longer associate with schoolchildren, and what we know and what we think we know makes us feel like women in novels.We don't know anything, and we don't want to know anything; we only like people and things in novels.We exchanged knowledge and made everyone enter a kind of dream state.We know many chivalrous women, many hot girls, many unruly chicks.But what we like most is the kind of thoughtful and infatuated woman, like Lin Daiyu.We all like to be smart enough to say something biting and sentimental.We call our classroom "Grand View Garden".Yes, we watch the movies too, but the action in the movies is too rough and not as lingering as we would like it to be.Since we are all daughters of rich families, we also whispered what we saw in the family, about men and women.These things, just like in the movies, can satisfy our momentary curiosity without much taste.We don't want to do what those aunts and wives do. We all consider ourselves true lovers, with ideals and infatuations; although we don't know anything.After all, our half-pure, half-dirty minds make us willing to listen to bad things in order to keep ourselves delicate and wise.We are a group of fourteen or fifteen-year-old flowers.

When I first entered middle school, my classmates and I changed from a big girl to a little girl; the senior classmates looked down on us.They not only look down on us, but also deliberately tease us.They often capture us and make us their dear. College students pretend to be men.This, makes us ashamed, but not without fun.This makes me feel some fake, but at the same time tasteful, love affair.We are like flowers moved from a pot to the ground. Although the change of environment makes us feel uneasy, we are also absorbing new and stronger nourishment; pity.During this period, we began to have a taste for movies; seeing the long kisses of men and women, we seemed to understand something.

In the second and third grades, we are not so honest.I can literally say that these two years have been my golden age.The senior students are not as courageous as us, and the lower grades can't make a fuss if we stand in front of them; only we, since we have learned many bad tricks from the senior students, are not as afraid of the teacher as the new students.We do whatever we want.Senior students will think, but we don't have to think; as soon as our face turns red, the action follows, spitting out like a mouthful of blood.We are rough, petty, embarrassing, googling all day long, laughing inappropriately, and crying inappropriately.I'm very angry, and I don't like anyone.If I don't like to do it, I will do it well, and if I don't like to do it, I won't do it at all. There is no reason, and I don't even bother to explain.In this way, the greater my temper, the greater my courage.I am not afraid of male students chasing me.My classmates and I all had male students who were chasing after us.And be proud of it.But the boys couldn't catch up with us. They just made our hearts beat, made us talk to each other, and made us movie freaks.When I had the opportunity to actually meet a man—a relative or a friend of the family—I stuck out my tongue or cocked my shoulders and couldn't say anything.Not to mention communication.Afterwards, I felt discouraged and unseemly, but there was nothing I could do.People have to grow up slowly, I understand now.But, anyway, it was a golden age; the days went by in a muddle-headed way, without worry at all, like a huge tropical tree, always blooming, and spring all year round.

Speaking of my cleverness, well, the tip of my nose is still turned up a little bit; as for homework, although it can't be regarded as the worst, at best it is only a C grade.When I was a child, I wanted people to say that I was smart; when I entered middle school, especially in the second and third grades, I hated being praised.Naturally, I haven't completely lost my desire to be competitive, but it's not in my homework; therefore, I feel disgusted with the teacher's praise; some students seek excellence in homework and get honors, I hate such people.In my heart, I still think I'm smart; I think I don't bother to show my smartness, so I don't get high grades; those who can show their talents in homework are just more effort, it doesn't count what.I'm not so stupid to use my time. What's the use of performing a few more questions and writing more articles?My parents did not rely on my knowledge to have a living.What's more, my beauty is already well-known. Newspapers often have pictures of me, and they call me a high-achieving student and a lady of everyone.What does it matter whether you study hard or not?I am a kite, high in the spring clouds, everyone looks up at me, I only need to shake, and play in the spring breeze is enough.I have sunshine all around me.

But in the senior year, I am not so wild and dull.I seem to have begun to feel that I have a fixed personality, although it is not as fixed as I imagined, but I feel that I am more stable, and I seem to have a heavy air in my body.I think this is partly due to my family and partly due to my own development.My family was rich and proud, and didn't allow me to be a mischievous one; as for myself, I developed something subtle, both physically and mentally, that made me feel sorry for myself.I should naturally respect myself.Because of my self-respect, sometimes I even look a little pathetic and shy because of minor physical or mental ailments.I seem to be cultivating a kind of beauty, so that others can pity me and respect my beauty.I feel my dignity and wish to show my frailty.In fact, my body is very good.Because of my good health, I imagined those postures and frailties that I don't have.I seem to want to absorb all the moving expressions of women into my body.Women's requirements for beauty, at least that's what I think, is to get everything, or nothing at all.Because of this absolute requirement, we can expand our little beauty into a beautiful world.We search obsessively to discover the power and loveliness contained in this little bit of beauty.Needless to say, discovering yourself and appreciating yourself in this way has a purpose unconsciously, to be seen by others.I always try to avoid men at this time of year.I know my beauty, and I can't give it to anyone easily, I am valuable.I am very proud and have high ideals.Copying it in shadows, I thought that if I belonged to any man, he must be a rare and beautiful man in the world, and he would take me to heaven.

Because my family is rich, I have to double my self-esteem and pride.If I have money, I am naturally proud; the unseemly things that happen because of having a lot of money make me even more proud.At this time, many unsightly things happened at home, and I had to pretend that we were innocent; money can’t buy morality, so I had to pretend to be a good person.People in my family bought other women's women with money, and hoped that I would turn their backs on them.Other people's daughters can be ruined in their hands, and their daughters—I—can be pure and save face for them.My father, brother, all brought in women, and I can see all their messes.This makes me despise them and it makes them value me more, they can mess around, I must be chaste.I am their hope.This made me sober up, and I couldn't be as romping as I was before.

But when I was sober, sometimes my physical stimulation and inner aversion to my father and brother made me think of romance.Why should I guard myself like a jade for them?My face is beautiful, my body is beautiful, I have youth, and I should be in the arms of a lover.I haven't thought about marriage and other big problems. I just want to release a little bit of youth, like flowers don't always wrap themselves in fragrance, but spread far away with the wind.In the season of thinking like this, the sky in my heart is so blue that it is almost emerald green, and I am a piece of peach-red glow in this blue-green sky.But when I got home, all I saw was darkness.I cannot but admit that I am superior to them, and that makes it all the more difficult for me to dispose of myself.Even if I want physical pleasure, I am more ideal than them.Therefore, I can neither completely agree with them, but also hate that I can't actually get something.I seem to be in the twilight, neither day nor night.I lost all the sunshine I had since childhood. I really want to study, but I can't settle down.Occasionally, when I think about the future, I am a little scared: what will I do?If one day I had a falling out with my family, what would I live on?Analyzing myself carefully, I have nothing but beauty.But on second thought, I won't break with my family; even if it was inevitable, I don't need to think about it now.Now, I am the daughter of a rich family; I will not be trapped in poverty in the future.I rejoice in my destiny, predicting the smooth sailing of the future with the happiness of the past.In my hands there will be no bad future, because I have all the happiness in the present.Why worry? Worrying is a sign of weakness.My future is to conquer, just as I have stood in the sun since I was a child, and my beauty will always attract the sun.At this time, I heard some disturbing news: my family has proposed marriage to me. I'm only nineteen!Getting married didn't scare me; because I always thought I was a big enough girl to protect myself.But when this seemed to be a real thing, I thought of my age, and I was a little scared.I should not have married so early.Even if marriage is a must, I must leave it to myself to find the ideal hero; which of my schoolmates does not think so, and I am the wisest of them all.However, I also secretly heard that the person mentioned in the family was very respectable, rich, and powerful; I was a little happier.It's not that I want to be hired out casually by my family, I just feel my value - no matter what, if I get married, I will marry a rich man, just like my brother.I'm used to living a comfortable life, I can't marry a poor man.I must continue to live in the sun.Thinking about it this way, I imagined that I have become a young mistress with everything, money, status, clothes, and servants. This may be interesting.It makes me a little shy, but it also has a taste, a faint rather than unsweet taste. This is just a momentary imagination.When I thought about it, I decided that I couldn't ruin myself like this; I had to taste a little love first.I am a lady, but in love I can put "miss" aside.I suddenly wanted to be free, and freedom must first be equal.If I love someone, even if he is a beggar.It's an ideal; very noble, I think.But, can I love a beggar?cannot!Let’s not mention beggars first, let’s just take an ordinary person, a petty official, or a teacher, can he support me?I don't know anything else, I know I won't suffer.I was born a flower, and flowers don't work and shouldn't work.Flowers only marry the gorgeous spring.I am a flower, so I must have the fragrance and beauty of flowers, I must dress gorgeously, dress up attractively, have money to spend casually, and love.It's not ambition, that's what I was born with, and it should be enjoyed.I cannot think of any good in love if there is love and nothing else.I have been shrewd since I was a child, and now I need to think more shrewdly.I really thought about it, and I even had a headache when I thought about it. My restlessness leads me to action.I can't be married off peacefully like a country girl.I can not.But on the other hand, it seems that I should settle down.My parents proposed marriage to me so early, probably because they were afraid that I would lose their face by being dishonest.They wanted to take advantage of me and sent them out in full, which fulfilled their dignity and saved them from being burdensome.As a parent, this might be a good idea, but I can't stand it; I'm a human being, and I've been delicate since childhood; I still have to do something, something amazing, romantic, and not bad .Speaking of Guiqi①, I am a "new" woman, and I have my value! Here's your chance!I went to be a bridesmaid for a classmate, and at the same time I thought the best man seemed cute.Even if he's not cute, he should be cute in this situation.Watching other people get married is the most exciting thing: the new couple, the best man and the bridesmaids, are all in a ball of joy, showing the most rose-like color in life, and all in the fragrance of flowers.Love, at such a time, blows out like the wind and blows back, everyone is rippling.I think I should fall in love, if this scene is in the wind of love.I, to be honest, am more beautiful than all the women in the room.It would be a shame if a loving encounter happened here without me.The man in the audience is the best man, who is beautiful. If I want to conquer, he has to be him.Of course, it's just circumstances that make me think so, and I'm still unwilling to take any action; a lady is a lady after all.Although I should go and get what I want, but for love, it is best to maintain my status as a young lady.When he saw me, I lost my mind.There is no need to think about it anymore, he looked at mine first, and I finally did not lose my identity.Besides, I've long thought he should look at me.He may have understood my intention long ago, and he had to do it; since he did what I wanted, there is no need to deny himself. After the incident, I walked very smoothly.My breasts never stand out like this before, and I don't know why I keep laughing; I'm as light as a feather.When I want to laugh, I vaguely see a piece of green sea, and some small waves are blown by the spring breeze.I am a small boat on this green wave, with snow-white sails, floating slowly in the sun until I reach the island full of peach blossoms.I can't think of any more specific realm and facts, I just feel that I am playing in the sea of ​​spring.I don't miss him very much, he's just an inspiration.I haven't thought of any benefits to him, I just feel that my first victory, I can start to send out my fragrance, I start to see a new realm, know a bigger universe, landscapes, flowers and trees are all controlled by me Get bright colors and a laughing breeze.I have strength, my limbs have elasticity, I forgot how smart and powerful I am, and I am as gentle as a ball of catkins.If I can't see him again, I don't think I will miss him, but I will never forget this little happiness, as hard to forget as the first spring rain.With this spring rain, everything will have its own ideas, and I will create a perfect spring.My heart has opened a flower path, and after the peach blossoms, there are still redbuds. However, he came to me.This destroyed my dream, and I landed on the dust, like a butterfly with a wounded wing.I can't help but take out my means on the ground.I ignored him, I have my identity.I rejected him without hesitation.After he was ashamed and forced to smile and walked away, I lowered my head and walked slowly, and I could clearly see the beauty of my whole body, even my back.I am so beautiful, I feel that I am a statue of a goddess standing on a high place, only allowed to be worshiped, not allowed to touch.I have the beauty of a goddess, as well as the wisdom and dignity of a goddess. After a while, I hoped that he would come back again: it was not that I was looking forward to him and thinking about him; he should come back to show his piety. Goddesses can sometimes accept the love of ordinary people, as long as he is devout.Sure enough, not long after, he came again.This softened my heart a little.But I can't just give him something so easily. I have been shrewd since I was a child, and I can't just act on impulse.I have to knead him like a candy bar; I can wrap it around my little finger to give him a hundredth or two of what he asks for.Love is a game where I can make up my mind.I kind of love him because he supplies me with the stuff I need to make games.I always let him smell my fragrance, and this fragrance separates him and me like a thick layer of fog. I am like a little sun behind the fog, shining slightly, and can make the surroundings into a circle of blush, but he feels Can't see my heat, can't see me clearly.I am very happy, I feel my youthful sophistication, like a small spring mountain, enjoying the spring rain and dew, but solid and unable to move.I am confident that I have experience with men, and it seems that wherever I am put, I can also have a way.I have nothing to fear, I don't think about Lin Daiyu anymore, women like Daiyu are dead. So I became more and more daring.My ideal is to become that redheaded girl in the movie, passionate and fierce, who can make people hold hands and give him a mouth when he wants to kiss.I don't care if he invites me to a movie, treats me to dinner, or gives me some gifts.I have money myself.What I want is incense, I am a goddess.Of course I sometimes wish for a kiss, but my love should be another kind, a kind of love without kisses, I am not an ordinary woman.He gave me love, and I'm only grateful for that; there should be a group of young men like him under my feet; how beautiful my feet are! My marriage is still going on at home.I laughed at them secretly, without saying a word.I am waiting.I'll give them a first-hand look when it's settled.Yes, I need to prepare more people, so that I can choose one to hold on to if I fall out with my family.I became the most enviable person among my classmates, because I dared to associate with many men.Those classmates who only have one lover cry from time to time, crying their eyes like peaches.They have only one lover, and let his temperament bully, how can they not cry.I don't cry because I am prepared.I look down on them, they have lost their identity as young ladies.They call crying and crying the sugarcane of love, and I don't eat this kind of sugarcane. I can't talk to them.They have no brains.They are often deceived by men.Go back to the dormitory and cry all day, they can't arouse my sympathy, they should be deceived!I swim in the sea of ​​love, and they jump in with their eyes closed.These poor things. After graduating from high school, I asked my family to allow me to enter university.I don't want to study, I just want to play outside more. Originally, there is a mother who does laundry, a tailor who makes clothes, a cook who cooks, a teacher who teaches, and a car when I go out. What should I do with my skills?I have to go to school, because other girls have entered college, and I can't fall behind; I still want to go abroad.The school didn't impress me much, I just remember the sound of my high heels on the cement road or the floor, clicking and clicking, which was very pleasant.My dormitory is very luxurious, and there are a dozen pairs of shoes piled up under the bed. I never tidy them up, just pile them up like that.The more chaotic the room, the more luxurious it appears.I dressed up and came out, jumping out of the water like a frog. No one would have guessed that there was mud under the water.My eyebrows are drawn for more than half an hour, how can I have time to clean up the house?On a rainy day, I got some mud on my shoes, so I went to visit the classmate who was easy to clean and left the mud in her room.They dare not mess with me.Soon after I enrolled I was crowned the queen of the school.Those who look as beautiful as me have failed, they have no brains, no means; I have.All the boyfriends I made in middle school broke up, even the best man.My status is higher, and my experience is more. Since I am a queen, I must at least have an emperor as my lover.The men I rejected sometimes wrote me letters, saying that they often cried because they missed me; let it go, what can I do?They said I was cruel, so how could I be cruel?I have my identity, ideal, and beauty.Love is like life, the more experience you have, the better you are, the wise love is rational, the love that captivates the heart - I can see from the experience of others - is a tragedy.I can't do that.After becoming a queen, I have made many, many new friends.I teased them and mocked them, and they were as docile and honest as sheep.This almost drives me to despair, I can't find anything to conquer, they surrender forever, without any will or strength to fight.Who says men are tough?I haven't seen one yet. My ways make me proud, but compared with others, I am a little jealous: I feel empty.Other female students often cry very sadly because of the ups and downs of love, or feel proud of the success of love. They cry and laugh, but I don't.On the one hand, I am confident that I am better than them, on the other hand, I hope that I should also show some real feelings.But I can't show it, I can only pretend, all my actions are controlled by that "Miss", I lost myself.Talking, I twist my tongue; walking, I twist my body; laughing, only sound.I am used to being a lady, everything has a certain formula, I can't find where I am.Therefore, I also want to be a little warmer and a little stupid, so that I can really cry and laugh.But unsuccessful.I have nothing to cry about, I have everything I need; and I'm not going to be ecstatic, I'm not a three-year-old kid who can be coaxed to jump around and laugh.When I look at my parents, most of their sorrows and joys are fake, and they only use a few appropriate words to express their emotions in their speech, and they are not really emotional.With money, there is nothing sad in the world; desires are easy to satisfy, and ecstasy is impossible; they smile to express their extraordinary bearing and grace.But I am a young girl myself, and it seems I ought at least once in a while to be stupid, I'm too commonplace.In this way, I started to make trouble with my classmates. Who told them to cry and laugh but I didn't?I try to seduce their "friends" and wrestle with them, hoping to set my emotions in motion by failure or success.As a result, the female classmates really hated me, but I still didn't feel any major stimulation.I am too smart, enlightened, it must be like this; but when will I be able to open my heart and feel a little real taste? I'm almost in a hurry, I think I have to close my eyes and jump into the water, don't think about it carefully, just jump down and talk.Hmph, at this time of year, for some reason, men can no longer fall into my trap.They are perfunctory with me, they don't go further to make me taste the truth, they are afraid of me.I'm really anxious, I want to cry; but why cry for no reason?The female students cry for a reason.How can I cry for nothing?Besides, if I do cry, I'm afraid I won't get sympathy, but only make them laugh secretly.I can't lose face.I really want to stop studying, and stop dealing with this group of poor classmates. During this period, I was engaged to be married at home.I really have to think about it.I am a lady—I began to think—what is the future of a lady?Asking me this way has written off many boyfriends from my heart.None of these boyfriends can sustain the future I—Miss—hope for.My future must be similar to the present, preferably better than the present.The person I am looking for in the family has this ability; my future, if I am willing to marry him, is very safe.But what about love?This can be a bit tricky.Those poor female students are not as good as me in many things, but they may be able to boast to me in love; how can I lose to them in this point?If they knew that my marriage was a given in the family, how could they despise me?This is really difficult!Since there is no best solution, I have to take a step back and think: If there is a man who can give me love and guarantee the future, although he is not very satisfied, should I marry him immediately?This sacrifices a lady's status and due enjoyment, but love is more than enough to make up for it; when it comes to being neat, I am a new-style lady.Yes, it can be done.But, how to deal with the family?Struggle, yes, struggle! I started to struggle, how tough I am, so tough that I feel sorry for myself.The people in the family are also very tough. I really didn't expect them to be like this.Their attitude made me doubt my identity. They have always been afraid of me. Why are they so resolute in this matter alone?Probably they didn't take me seriously, let me do small things, but let them make up their minds about big things.This really pissed me off.Ah, I see something, I'm not as valuable as I thought.My sun has lost its light, and suddenly the sky is dim and the earth is dark. What to do!I am both a lady and a "new" lady, and it is too difficult to arrange.I seemed to be trapped in a sandwich wall, unable to turn around.Status is necessary, love is also necessary, and neither will work.Even if I were willing to give up one thing, which one should I give up?I have lived such a big life, and I have never been in such a hurry.I can't just plan for me, I have to plan for "Miss", I am not an ordinary woman.For abandoning my identity, I am sorry for myself.I have to be brave, but I can't pretend to be crazy, I can't put myself in a dangerous place.Those boyfriends all say they love me, but which one can satisfy what I should want, what I must want?Most of them are students, and they themselves are not allowed to know what their future will be like; there are one or two very beautiful teaching assistants who are also good to me, can I have a small teaching assistant?Even if they are professors, aren't professors a bunch of poor people?I should, must, be worthy of myself, and put myself in the highest and most beautiful place. After struggling for many days, I automatically ceased fighting.The people mentioned at home are in line with my noble ideals of self-esteem.Except for a little love, everything else is suitable.Love, come to think of it, how much is it worth per catty?I simply didn't go to school. I was afraid that my classmates would laugh at me, so I just avoided them.They have love, and love drags them into the mud!I'm not that stupid.At home, I am very happy, and my parents are very kind to me.I started preparing the wedding dress.When it's done, I'll secretly put it on and have a look. The diamond ring and breast beads are indeed enough to overwhelm everything!I am proud and fortunately I am alert and able to turn the rudder when the wind blows, making myself the most enviable bride and able to suppress all women.If I just married a poor man just for that little love, put a bouquet of paper flowers on my head, put a copper ring on my finger, and threw the veil on the ground for more than a foot, I would be ashamed no matter how I lived died! Of course, I still can't completely forget that unhelpful and pleasant word-love.But there was no way to turn the corner again.I had no choice but to take this as a kind of sacrifice. I haven't sacrificed anything since I was a child, so I should pick something that is of little use and throw it out.Besides, there are other ways to maintain my "newness". As long as I have money, my clothes, shoes and socks, and the style of my hair are all enough to be the leader of the new women.As long as I have money, I can dance, socialize, and go to the most civilized and lively places.Money makes people interesting in life, status, and practical benefits.I imagine the liveliness and dignity of marriage, the entertainment and happiness after marriage, my life is under the sun, and there will never be a small dark cloud.I even became a little superstitious, thinking that my parents read the constitution and chose a wedding date with good intentions. Although the wedding ceremony is a new style, there is nothing to object to when choosing an auspicious date.They are doing everything they can to make me happy.I have prepared a red jacket, which I can wear inside during the wedding, so as not to look too plain. I have to admit that I am shrewd, I was right!My husband is a man of the highest rank, wealth, respectability, and morality.He is shrewd, but he refuses to marry freely.He is young and old, his career is new, his thinking is new, but he is willing to keep the old morality.His marriage must go through the orders of his parents and the words of the matchmaker. He wants to set a good example for the mischievous young people and restore the moral degradation of the entire society.He is the Confucius and Mencius of the twentieth century. Our wedding photos were published in various newspapers, and almost all of them commented that we are a pair of angels who saved the decadence!I am a little shy in conscience, I have thought about fighting!Ever asked for the freedom of love!Fortunately, I changed so quickly, otherwise... My happiness has increased my beauty, and I feel a new fragrance emanating from my whole body. I have gained weight, but I am more flexible and generous. I am like a colorful phoenix!可是我并不专为自己的美丽而欣喜，丈夫的光荣也在我身上反映出去，到处我是最体面最有身分最被羡慕的太太。我随便说什么都有人爱听。在作小姐的时候，我的尊傲没有这么足；小姐是一股清泉，太太是一座开满了桃李的山。山是更稳固的，更大样的，更显明的，更有一定的形式与色彩的。我是一座春山，丈夫是阳光，射到山坡上，我腮上的桃花向阳光发笑，那些阳光是我一个人的。 可是我也必得说出来。我的快乐是对于我的光荣的欣赏，我象一朵阳光下的花，花知道什么是快乐吗？除了这点光荣，我必得说，我并没有从心里头感到什么可快活的。我的快活都在我见客人的时候，出门的时候，象只挂着帆，顺风而下的轻舟，在晴天碧海的中间儿。赶到我独自坐定的时候，我觉到点空虚，近于悲哀。我只好不常独自坐定，我把帆老挂起来，有阵风儿我便出去。我必须这样，免得万一我有点不满意的念头。我必须使人知道我快乐，好使人家羡慕我。还有呢，我必须谨慎一点，因为我的丈夫是讲道德的人，我不能得罪他而把他给我的光荣糟蹋了。我的光荣与身分值得用心看守着，可是因此我的快活有时候成为会变动的，象忽晴忽阴的天气，冷暖不定。不过，无论怎么说吧，我必须努力向前；后悔是没意思的，我顶好利用着风力把我的一生光美的度过去；我一开首总算已遇到顺风了，往前走就是了。 以前的事象离我很远了，我没想到能把它们这么快就忘掉。自从结婚那一天我仿佛忽然入了另一个世界，就象在个新地方酣睡似的，猛一睁眼，什么都是新的。及至过了相当时期，我又逐渐的把它们想起来，一个一个的，零散的，象拾起一些散在地上的珠子。赶到我把这些珠子又串起来，它们给我一些形容不出的情感，我不能再把这串珠子挂在项上，拿不出手来了。是的，我的丈夫的道德使我换了一对眼睛，用我这对新眼睛看，我几乎有点后悔从前是那样的狂放了。我纳闷，为什么他——一个社会上的柱石——要娶我呢？难道他不晓得我的行为吗？是，我知道，我的身分家庭足以配得上他，可是他不能不知道在学校里我是个浪漫皇后吧？我不肯问他，不问又难受。我并不怕他，我只是要明白明白。说真的，我不甚明白，他待我很好，可是我不甚明白他。他是个太阳，给我光明，而不使我摸到他。我在人群中，比在他面前更认识他；人们尊敬我，因为他们尊敬他；及至我俩坐在一处，没人提醒我或他的身分，我觉得很渺茫。在报纸上我常见到他的姓名，这个姓名最可爱；坐在他面前，我有时候忘了他是谁。他很客气，有礼貌，每每使我想到他是我的教师或什么保护人，而不是我的丈夫。在这种时节，似有一小片黑云掩住了太阳。 阳光要是常被掩住，春天也可以很阴惨。久而久之，我的快活的热度低降下来。是的，我得到了光荣，身分，丈夫；丈夫，我怎能只要个丈夫呢？我不是应当要个男子么？一个男子，哪怕是个顶粗莽的，打我骂我的男子呢，能把我压碎了，吻死的男子呢！我的丈夫只是个丈夫，他衣冠齐楚，谈吐风雅，是个最体面的杨四郎，或任何戏台上的穿绣袍的角色。他的行止言谈都是戏文儿。我这是一辈子的事呀！可是我不能马上改变态度，“太太”的地位是不好意思随便扔弃了的。不扔弃了吧，我又觉得空虚，生命是多么不易安排的东西呢！当我回到母家，大家是那么恭维我，我简直张不开口说什么。他们为我骄傲，我不能鼻一把泪一把象个受气的媳妇诉委屈，自己泄气。在娘家的时候我是小姐，现在我是姑奶奶，作小姐的时候我厉害，作姑奶奶的更得撑起架子。我母亲待我象个客人，我张不开口说什么。在我丈夫的家里呢，我更不能向谁说什么，我不能和女仆们谈心，我是太太。我什么也别说了，说出去只招人笑话；我的苦处须自己负着。是呀，我满可以冒险去把爱找到，但是我怎么对我母家与我的丈夫呢？我并不为他们生活着，可是我所有的光荣是他们给我的，因为他们给我光荣，我当初才服从他们，现在再反悔似乎不大合适吧？只有一条路给我留着呢，好好的作太太，不要想别的了。这是永远有阳光的一条路。 人到底是肉作的。我年轻，我美，我闲在，我应当把自己放在血肉的浓艳的香腻的旋风里，不能呆呆对着镜子，看着自己消灭在冰天雪地里。我应当从各方面丰富自己，我不是个尼姑。这么一想我管不了许多了。况且我若是能小心一点呢——我是有聪明的——或者一切都能得到，而出不了毛病。丈夫给我支持着身分，我自己再找到他所不能给我的，我便是个十全的女子了，这一辈子总算值得！小姐，太太，浪漫，享受，都是我的，都应当是我的；我不再迟疑了，再迟疑便对不起自己。我不害怕，我这是种冒险，牺牲；我怕什么呢？即使出了毛病，也是我吃亏，把我的身分降低，与父母丈夫都无关。自然，我不甘心丢失了身分，但是事情还没作，怎见得结果必定是坏的呢？精明而至于过虑便是愚蠢。饥鹰是不择食的。 我的海上又飘着花瓣了，点点星星暗示着远地的春光。象一只早春的蝴蝶，我顾盼着，寻求着，一些渺茫而又确定的花朵。这使我又想到作学生的时候的自由，愿意重述那种种小风流勾当。可是这次我更热烈一些，我已经在别方面成功，只缺这一样完成我的幸福。这必须得到，不准再落个空。我明白了点肉体需要什么，希望大量的增加，把一朵花完全打开，即使是个雹子也好，假如不能再细腻温柔一些，一朵花在暗中谢了是最可怜的。同时呢，我的身分也使我这次的寻求异于往日的，我须找到个地位比我的丈夫还高的，要快活便得登峰造极，我的爱须在水晶的宫殿里，花儿都是珊瑚。私事儿要作得最光荣，因为我不是平常人。 我预料着这不是什么难事，果然不是什么难事，我有眼光。一个粗莽的，俊美的，象团炸药样的贵人，被我捉住。他要我的一切，他要把我炸碎而后再收拾好，以便重新炸碎。我所缺乏的，一次就全补上了；可是我还需要第二次。我真哭真笑了，他野得象只老虎，使我不能安静。我必须全身颤动着，不论是跟他玩耍，还是与他争闹，我有时候完全把自己忘掉，完全焚烧在烈火里，然后我清醒过来，回味着创痛的甜美，象老兵谈战那样。他能一下子把我掷在天外，一下子又拉回我来贴着他的身。我晕在爱里，迷忽的在生命与死亡之间，梦似的看见全世界都是红花。我这才明白了什么是爱，爱是肉体的，野蛮的，力的，生死之间的。 这个实在的，可捉摸的爱，使我甚至于敢公开的向我的丈夫挑战了。我知道他的眼睛是尖的，我不怕，在他鼻子底下漂漂亮亮的走出去，去会我的爱人。我感谢他给我的身分，可是我不能不自己找到他所不能给的。我希望点吵闹，把生命更弄得火炽一些；我确是快乐得有点发疯了。奇怪，奇怪，他一声也不出。他仿佛暗示给我——“你作对了！”多么奇怪呢！他是讲道德的人呀！他这个办法减少了好多我的热烈；不吵不闹是多么没趣味呢！不久我就明白了，他升了官，那个贵人的力量。我明白了，他有道德，而缺乏最高的地位，正象我有身分而缺乏恋爱。因为我对自己的充实，而同时也充实了他，他不便言语。我的心反倒凉了，我没希望这个，简直没想到过这个。啊，我明白了，怨不得他这么有道德而娶我这个“皇后”呢，他早就有计划！我软倒在地上，这个真伤了我的心，我原来是个傀儡。我想脱身也不行了，我本打算偷偷的玩一会儿，敢情我得长期的伺候两个男子了。是呀，假如我愿意，我多有些男朋友岂不是可喜的事。我可不能听从别人的指挥。不能象妓女似的那么干，丈夫应当养着妻子，使妻子快乐；不应当利用妻子获得利禄——这不成体统，不是官派儿！ 我可是想不出好办法来。设若我去质问丈夫，他满可以说，“我待你不错，你也得帮助我。”再急了，他简直可以说，“干吗当初嫁给我呢？”我辩论不过他。我断绝了那个贵人吧，也不行，贵人是我所喜爱的，我不能因要和丈夫赌气而把我的快乐打断。况且我即使冷淡了他，他很可以找上前来，向我索要他对我丈夫的恩惠的报酬。我已落在陷坑里了。我只好闭着眼混吧。好在呢，我的身分在外表上还是那么高贵，身体上呢，也得到满意的娱乐，算了吧。我只是不满意我的丈夫，他太小看我，把我当作个礼物送出去，我可是想不出办法惩治他。这点不满意，继而一想，可也许能给我更大的自由。我这么想了：他既是仗着我满足他的志愿，而我又没向他反抗，大概他也得明白以后我的行动是自由的了，他不能再管束我。这无论怎说，是公平的吧。好了，我没法惩治他，也不便惩治他了，我自由行动就是了。焉知我自由行动的结果不叫他再高升一步呢！我笑了，这倒是个办法，我又在晴美的阳光中生活着了。 没看见过榕树，可是见过榕树的图。若是那个图是正确的，我想我现在就是株榕树，每一个枝儿都能生根，变成另一株树，而不和老本完全分离开。我是位太太，可是我有许多的枝干，在别处生了根，我自己成了个爱之林。我的丈夫有时候到外面去演讲，提倡道德，我也坐在台上；他讲他的道德，我想我的计划。我觉得这非常的有趣。社会上都知道我的浪漫，可是这并不妨碍他们管我的丈夫叫作道德家。他们尊敬我的丈夫，同时也羡慕我，只要有身分与金钱，干什么也是好的；世界上没有什么对不对，我看出来了。 要是老这么下去，我想倒不错。可是事实老不和理想一致，好象不许人有理想似的。这使我恨这个世界，这个不许我有理想的世界。我的丈夫娶了姨太太。一个讲道德的人可以娶姨太太，嫖窑子；只要不自由恋爱与离婚就不违犯道德律。我早看明白了这个，所以并不因为这点事恨他。我所不放心的是我觉到一阵风，这阵风不好。我觉到我是往下坡路走了。怎么说呢，我想他绝不是为娶小而娶小，他必定另有作用。我已不是他升官发财的唯一工具了。他找来个生力军。假如这个女的能替他谋到更高的差事，我算完了事。我没法跟他吵，他办的名正言顺，娶妾是最正当不过的事。设若我跟他闹，他满可以翻脸无情，剥夺我的自由，他既是已不完全仗着我了。我自幼就想征服世界，啊，我的力量不过如是而已！我看得很清楚，所以不必去招瘪子吃①；我不管他，他也别管我，这是顶好的办法。家里坐不住，我出去消遣好了。 哼，我不能不信命运。在外边，我也碰了；我最爱的那个贵人不见我了。他另找到了爱人。这比我的丈夫娶妾给我的打击还大。我原来连一个男人也抓不住呀！这几年我相信我和男子要什么都能得到，我是顶聪明的女子。身分，地位，爱情，金钱，享受，都是我的；啊，现在，现在，这些都顺着手缝往下溜呢！我是老了么？不，我相信我还是很漂亮；服装打扮我也还是时尚的领导者。那么，是我的手段不够？不能呀，设若我的手段不高明，以前怎能有那样的成功呢？我的运气！太阳也有被黑云遮住的时候呀。是，我不要灰心，我将慢慢熬着，把这一步恶运走过去再讲。我不承认失败；只要我不慌，我的心老清楚，自会有办法。 但是，我到底还是作下了最愚蠢的事！在我独自思索的时候，我大概是动了点气。我想到了一篇电影：一个贵家的女郎，经过多少情海的风波，最后嫁了个乡村的平民，而得到顶高的快乐。村外有些小山，山上满是羽样的树叶，随风摆动。他们的小家庭面着山，门外有架蔓玫瑰，她在玫瑰架下作活，身旁坐着个长毛白猫，头儿随着她的手来回的动。他在山前耕作，她有时候放下手中的针线，立起来看看他。他工作回来，她已给预备好顶简单而清净的饭食，猫儿坐在桌上希冀着一点牛奶或肉屑。他们不多说话，可是眼神表现着深情……我忽然想到这个故事，而且借着气劲而想我自己也可以抛弃这一切劳心的事儿，华丽的衣服，而到那个山村去过那简单而甜美的生活。我明知这只是个无聊的故事，可是在生气的时候我信以为真有其事了。我想，只要我能遇到那个多情的少年，我一定不顾一切的跟了他去。这个，使我从记忆中掘出许多旧日的朋友来：他们都干什么呢？我甚至于想起那第一个爱人，那个伴郎，他作什么了？这些人好象已离开许多许多年了，当我想起他们来，他们都有极新鲜的面貌，象一群小孩，象春后的花草，我不由的想再见着他们，他们必至少能打开我的寂寞与悲哀，必能给生命一个新的转变。我想他们，好象想起幼年所喜吃的一件食物，如若能得到它，我必定能把青春再唤回来一些。想到这儿，我没再思索一下，便出去找他们了，即使找不到他们，找个与他们相似的也行；我要尝尝生命的另一方面，可以说是生命的素淡方面吧，我已吃腻了山珍海味。 我找到一个旧日的同学，虽然不是乡村的少年，可已经合乎我的理想了。他有个入钱不多的职业，他温柔，和蔼，亲热，绝不象我日常所接触的男人。他领我入了另一世界，象是厌恶了跳舞场，而逛一回植物园那样新鲜有趣。他很小心，不敢和我太亲热了；同时我看出来，他也有点得意，好象穷人拾着一两块钱似的。我呢，也不愿太和他亲近了，只是拿他当一碟儿素菜，换换口味。可是，呕，我的愚蠢！这被我的丈夫看见了！他拿出我以为他绝不会的厉害来。我给他丢了脸，他说！我明白他的意思：我们阔人尽管乱七八糟，可是得有个范围；同等的人彼此可以交往，这个圈必得划清楚了！我犯了不可赦的罪过。 我失去了自由。遇到必须出头的时候，他把我带出去；用不着我的时候，他把我关在屋里。在大众面前，我还是太太；没人看着的时节，我是个囚犯。我开始学会了哭，以前没想到过我也会有哭的机会。可是哭有什么用呢！我得想主意。主意多了，最好的似乎是逃跑：放下一切，到村间或小城市去享受，象那个电影中玫瑰架下的女郎。可是，再一想，我怎能到那里去享受呢？我什么也不会呀！没有仆人，我连饭也吃不上，叫我逃跑，我也跑不了啊！ 有了，离婚！离婚，和他要供给，那就没有可怕的了。脱离了他，而手中有钱，我的将来完全在自己的手中，爱怎着便可以怎着。想到这里，我马上办起来，看守我的仆人受了贿赂，给我找来律师。呕，我的胡涂！状子递上去了，报纸上宣扬起来，我的丈夫登时从最高的地方堕下来。他是提倡旧道德的人呀，我怎会忘了呢？离婚；呕！别的都不能打倒他，只有离婚！只有离婚！他所认识的贵人们，马上变了态度，不认识了他，也不认识了我。和我有过关系的人，一点也不责备我与他们的关系，现在恨起我来，我什么不可以作，单单必得离婚呢？我的母家与我断绝了关系。官司没有打，我的丈夫变成了个平民，官司也无须再打了，我丢了一切。假如我没有这一个举动，失了自由，而到底失不了身分啊，现在我什么也没有了。 事情还不止于此呢。我的丈夫倒下来，墙倒人推，大家开始控告他的劣迹了。贵人们看着他冷笑，没人来帮忙。我们的财产，到诉讼完结以后，已剩了不多。我还是不到三十岁的人哪，后半辈子怎么过呢？太阳不会再照着我了！我这样聪明，这样努力，结果竟会是这样，谁能相信呢！谁能想到呢！坐定了，我如同看着另一个人的样子，把我自己简略的，从实的，客观的，描写下来。有志的女郎们呀，看了我，你将知道怎样维持住你的身分，你宁可失了自由，也别弃掉你的身分。自由不会给你饭吃，控告了你的丈夫便是拆了你的粮库！我的将来只有回想过去的光荣，我失去了明天的阳光！