Chapter 10 crescent moon

Yes, I saw the crescent moon again, a pale golden hook with a little chill.How many times have I seen the same crescent moon as this one now; how many times.It carries all kinds of emotions and different scenes. When I sit down and look at it, it hangs obliquely on the blue clouds in my memory again and again.It wakes up my memory like a night wind breaking a sleepy flower. For the first time, Crescent Moon was indeed carrying a cold air.It was sour and bitter in my cloud for the first time, and its faint golden light shone on my tears.I was only seven years old then, a little girl in a short red padded jacket.Wearing a little hat my mother sewed for me, blue cloth with little flowers printed on it, I remember.I leaned against the door stack of that hut and looked at the crescent moon.The room smelled of medicine, smoke, mother's tears, and father's illness; I was alone on the steps looking at the crescent moon, no one greeted me, no one bothered to make me dinner.I know the misery in the room, because everyone talks about my father's illness... But I feel my misery even more. I am cold and hungry, and no one cares about me.I kept standing until the crescent moon fell.There's nothing left, and I can't stop crying.But my crying was suppressed by my mother; Dad, I was silent, and a white cloth was covered on my face.I want to lift the white cloth and look at Dad again, but I dare not.There was only so little space in the house, and it was all taken by Dad.My mother put on white clothes, and my red jacket was also covered with a white robe without a hem. I remember, because I kept tearing the white silk on the hem.Everyone was very busy, yelling loudly, and crying a lot, but there were not many things, and it seemed that it was not worth shouting: Dad was put into such a coffin with four thin boards, and there were seams everywhere.Then, five or six people carried him away.Mom and I were crying in the back.I remember dad, and his wooden box.That wooden box ended everything about Dad: Whenever I think of Dad, I think that I can't see him unless I open that wooden box.However, the wooden box was buried deep in the ground. I knew where it was buried outside the city, but it was like a raindrop falling on the ground, and it seemed that I would never find it.

Mom and I were still in our white robes, and I saw the crescent moon again.It was a cold day, and my mother took me out of the city to see my father's grave.Mom was holding a very thin roll of paper.My mother was very kind to me that day, she gave me a ride when I couldn't walk, and bought me some fried chestnuts at the gate of the city.Everything is cold, but these chestnuts are warm; I am reluctant to eat them, and warm my hands with them.I can't remember how far I walked, but it must be very far away.On the day of Dad's funeral, I didn't seem to feel so far away, or it was because there were so many people; this time it was just our mother and son, Mom didn't talk, and I couldn't be bothered to make a sound, everything was quiet; those yellow dirt roads were so quiet. boss.The days are short, and I remember that tomb: a small pile of soil, and some high mounds in the distance, and the sun is slanting on the loess mounds.My mother didn't seem to care about me anymore, she put me aside, hugged the grave and cried.I sat next to the grave mound, fiddling with the few chestnuts in my hand.Mom cried for a while and burned the bit of paper. Some paper ashes rolled into one or two swirls in front of my eyes, and then fell lazily on the ground; the wind was small, but it was cold enough.Mom started crying again.I miss Dad too, but I don't want to cry for him; I cry for my mother so pitifully that I also shed tears.I went over and took my mother's hand: "Mom, don't cry! Don't cry!" Mom cried even more.She took me in her arms.As soon as the sun went down, there was no one around, only our mother and son.Mom seemed to be a little scared too, with tears in her eyes, she pulled me away and walked away. She looked back, and I turned around too: Dad's grave can no longer be distinguished; Grave mounds, in small piles, are placed all the way to the bottom of the mound.Mom sighed.We walked slowly, and before we reached the city gate, I saw Crescent Moon.It was pitch black outside, there was no sound, only Crescent Moon emitted a cold light.I'm tired, my mother picked me up.I don't know how to get into the city, I just remember that there is a crescent moon in the sky in a daze.

Just eight years old, I have learned to be things.I know that if we don't get the money, my mother and I won't have dinner; because my mother has some ideas and won't ask me to go.I must know that every time she handed me a small bag, there would be no trace of porridge in the pot.Our pots are sometimes as clean as decent widows.This day, what I hold is a mirror.Only this thing seemed unnecessary, although mother had to use it every day.It was spring, and our cotton padded clothes were put into the pawn shop as soon as we took them off.I take this mirror, I know how to be careful, be careful and go fast, the pawnshops are always there early.I'm afraid of the big red door of the pawn shop, the big tall long counter.As soon as I saw that door, my heart skipped a beat.But I have to go in, it seems to be climbing in, the high threshold is so high.I had to exhaust my strength, handed over my things, and shouted: "Dangdang!" After I got the money and the pawn ticket, I knew how to handle it carefully, and went home quickly, knowing that my mother was worried.But this time, the pawnshop doesn't want this mirror and told me to add another one.I know what "number one" is.Holding the mirror to my chest, I ran home desperately.Mom cried; she couldn't find the second thing.I was used to living in that hut, and I always thought I had a lot of things; it wasn't until I helped my mother find suitable clothes that I realized in my heart that we had very little, very little.Mom didn't ask me to go.But "Mom, what shall we eat?" My mother cried and handed me the silver hairpin on her head-only this one thing is silver.I know, she unplugged it several times, but she refused to hand it over to me.This is a piece of jewelry given by my grandma when my mother went out.Now, she gave me this last piece of silver, and told me to put down the mirror.I hurried back to the pawn shop as fast as I could, and the dreadful door was firmly shut.I sat on the door pier, holding the silver hairpin.Not daring to cry loudly, I looked at the sky, ah, it was the crescent moon shining on my tears again!After crying for a long time, my mother came in the shadows, she took my hand, vomit, what a hot hand, I forgot all the sufferings, even the hunger, as long as there is this hot hand of my mother holding me just fine.I sobbed and said, "Mom! Let's go home and sleep. Come back tomorrow morning!" Mom didn't make a sound.After walking for a while: "Mom! Look at this crescent moon; it was so crooked the day Dad died. Why is she always so slanted?" Mom still didn't say a word, her hands trembling a little.

My mother washes clothes for others all day long.I always want to help my mother, but I can't get in.I had to wait for my mother, and I wouldn't go to bed until she was done.Sometimes the crescent moon has already come up, and she still washes it with a whimper.Those smelly socks, like hard cowhide, were sent by the boys in the shop.After my mother washed these "cowhide", she couldn't eat.I sat next to her and looked at the crescent moon. Bats would pass back and forth under that light, like a big water chestnut on a silver thread, and then fall into the darkness very quickly.The more I feel sorry for my mother, the more I love this crescent moon, because looking at it makes me feel better.It is more lovely in summer, it is always a little bit cold, like a strip of ice.I love the little shadow it casts on the ground, it disappears after a while; it is vague and unclear, and when the shadow disappears, the ground is very dark, the stars are also very bright, and the flowers are also very fragrant—our There are many flowers and trees in the neighborhood, and the tall acacia tree always falls to our side, like a layer of snow.

My mother's hands were scaly and told her to rub the top of her back to relieve the itching.But I dare not work her too often, her hands are rough.She is thin and often skips meals because of the smelly socks.I know mom is thinking about it, I know it.She often pushes her clothes aside, staring blankly.She talks to herself.What is she thinking?I can't guess. My mother told me not to make me feel awkward, but to call me "Dad" obediently: she found another dad for me.This is another dad, I know, because there is already a dad buried in the grave.When Mom told me, she looked away.With tears in her eyes, she said: "I can't tell you to starve to death!" Ugh, it's because I didn't starve to death that my mother found another father for me!I don't know how many things, I am a little scared, but also a little hopeful - if I don't go hungry anymore.What a coincidence, when we left our hut, there was a crescent moon in the sky again.The crescent moon this time is clearer and more terrifying than any other time; I am about to leave this hut I am used to living in.Mom took a red sedan chair, and there were a few drummers in front of her, who didn't play well at all.The sedan chair walked in front, and a man and I followed behind, and he took my hand.That terrible crescent shone a little, as if trembling in the cool wind.There was no one on the street, only some wild dogs were chasing and biting the drummers; the sedan chair was moving very fast.Where are you going?Should I carry my mother out of the city, to the cemetery?The man dragged me away, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't even cry.The man's palms were sweating, and it was as cold as a fish. I wanted to call "Mom", but I didn't dare.After a while, the crescent moon was like a big eye slit about to close, and the sedan chair entered an alley.

I don't seem to have seen the crescent moon again for three or four years.The new dad is very kind to us, he has two houses, he and mom live in the inner room, and I sleep on the bunk outside.I wanted to sleep with my mother at first, but after a few days, I fell in love with "my" cabin.The room has white walls, a long table, and a chair.This seems to be all mine.My quilt is also thicker and warmer than before.My mother also gradually gained weight, her face turned red, and the scales on her hands slowly fell off.I haven't been to Dangdang for a long time.My new dad told me to go to school.Sometimes he still plays with me for a while.I don't know why I don't like calling him "Dad", although I know he is cute.He seems to know this too, he often smiles at me like that; when he smiles he has beautiful eyes.But my mother secretly told me to call me Dad, and I didn't want to be very awkward.I understand in my heart that my mother and I have food and drink now, all because of this father, I understand.Yes, in the past three or four years, I can't remember seeing a crescent moon; maybe I have seen it and don't remember much.I will never forget the crescent moon when my father died, and the crescent moon in front of my mother's sedan chair.That little bit of light, that little bit of coldness, is always in my heart, brighter than anything else, cool and cool, like a piece of jade, and sometimes it seems like I can touch it with my hands when I think of it.

I love going to school.I always thought that there were a lot of flowers in the school, but there weren't any. It's just that when I think of school, I think of flowers, just like when I think of my father's grave, I think of the crescent moon outside the city - crescent moon in the wild wind.Mother loves flowers very much. Although she can't afford to buy one, but someone gives her one, she likes to wear it on her head very much.When I get a chance, I will fold one or two for her; wearing a fresh flower, my mother's back looks like she is still very young.Mom likes it, and so do I.I also like it in school.Maybe because of this, I think of flowers when I think of school?

When I was about to graduate from elementary school, my mother told me to go to Dangdang again.I don't know why the new dad suddenly left.Where he went, Mom didn't seem to know.Mom also told me to go to school, she thought Dad would be back soon.He did not come back for many days, not even a letter.I think it's time for Mom to wash the smelly socks again, which makes me very uncomfortable.But mom didn't plan that way.She still dresses up and loves flowers; strange!She doesn't cry, but it's funny; why?I do not understand!Several times, when I came from school, I saw her standing at the door.Not long after, I was walking on the road, and someone "hi" me: "Hi! Send a message to your mother!" "Hi! Do you sell it? Little girl!" My face was so red that it popped out. When the fire comes, lower your head as low as possible.I get it, I just can't help it.I can't ask my mother, no.She was very kind to me, and sometimes said to me very solemnly: "Study! Study!" My mother is illiterate, why is she urging me to study like this?I was suspicious; and I often thought that my mother did such a thing for me.Mom has no better way.When I was suspicious, I wished I could scold my mother.Thinking about it again, I want to hug her and beg her not to do that thing again.I hate myself for not being able to help my mother.So I also thought: what is the use of me after graduating from elementary school?I have inquired with my classmates, and some of them told me that there are several aunts who graduated last year.Some told me who was behind the door.I don't know much about these things, but from what they said, I guess it's not a good thing.They seemed to know it all, and secretly talked about things they knew were wrong--things that made them blush and smug.I am even more suspicious of my mother, whether I can do it after I graduate... Thinking about it this way, sometimes I dare not go home, I am afraid to see my mother.My mother sometimes gave me money for snacks, but I refused to spend them. I went to gymnastics hungry and often fainted.How sweet it is to watch others eat dim sum!But I have to save money, in case mother tells me to go... I can run, if I have money in my hand.When I was the richest, I had more than a dime in my hand!At these times, even in the daytime, I sometimes look up at the sky for my crescent moon.If the pain in my heart could be compared to a shape, it would be in the shape of a crescent moon.It hangs helplessly in the gray-blue sky, the light is weak, and soon it will be surrounded by darkness.

The saddest thing for me is that I slowly learned to hate my mother.But whenever I hate her, I unconsciously think of her carrying me to the grave.When I think about it, I can't hate her anymore.I must hate her.My mental image is still like that crescent moon, which can only be bright for a while, but the darkness is infinite.Men often come to my mother's room, and she no longer avoids me.Their eyes looked at me like dogs, their tongues stuck out and salivated.I am more satisfying in their eyes, I can see it.In a short period of time, I suddenly understood many things.I know that I have to protect myself, I feel that there seems to be something precious in me, I can smell something in me, which makes me shy and emotional.I have some power in me, I can protect myself, and I can destroy myself.Sometimes I'm tough and sometimes I'm soft.I don't know what to do.I would like to love my mother. At this time, I have many things that I need to ask my mother, and I need her comfort; but at this moment, I have to avoid her, I have to hate her; otherwise, I myself will not exist.When I can't sleep, I think calmly, my mother is forgiving.She has to watch our mouths.But this made me refuse to eat the food she gave me.My heart is so hot and cold, like the winter wind, after a short rest, it blows harder; I wait for my anger to rush, and I can't stop it.

Things got worse when I couldn't think of a better way.My mother asked me, "How?" If I really loved her, my mother said, I should help her.Otherwise, she can no longer control me.It wasn't like something Mom could say, but she said it.She made it very clear: "I'm getting old soon, and in two years' time, I'm going to ask people to ask for it, and no one will want it!" That's right, my mother has put on a lot of powder recently, and the creases are still showing on her face.She wants to take another step to serve a man exclusively.Her spirit is too late to serve many men.Thinking for herself, if someone wanted her at this moment—a shopkeeper of a steamed bun shop wanted her—she should leave immediately.But I'm already a big girl, and I don't follow my mother's sedan chair as easily as I did when I was a child.I had to make up my mind to set myself up.If I am willing to "help" my mother, she can stop taking this step and let me earn money instead of her.Earn money for her, I'd love to; but the way of earning it makes me tremble.What do I know, telling me to earn money like an old woman? !Mother's heart is ruthless, but money is even more ruthless.My mother didn't force me to go which way, she told me to choose by myself - to help her, or to go our own way.There are no tears in my mother's eyes, they have dried up a long time ago.what should I do?

I told the principal.The principal is a woman in her forties, fat, not very shrewd, but warm-hearted.I'm really out of ideas, otherwise how would I open my mouth to tell my mother... I have never been close to the principal.When I spoke to her, every word was like a red-hot briquette scalding my throat, and I became dumb, and it took me a long time to utter a single word.The principal is willing to help me.She can't give me money, but can only provide me with two meals and a place to live - just live in the school and the company of an old maid.She asked me to help the secretary write and write, but I don't have to do it right away, because my handwriting still needs practice.Two meals, one lodging, solved the big problem.I can not implicate my mother.This time my mother didn't even take a sedan chair, she just took a rickshaw and left in the dark.My bedding, she gave me.Before leaving, my mother struggled not to cry, but the tears from the bottom of my heart finally came up.She knows I can't go to her again, her own daughter.As for me, I even forgot how to cry, I just grinned and sobbed, tears covered my face.I was her daughter, friend, comfort.But I can't help her unless I have to do something that I would never do.Thinking about it afterwards, we, my wife and I, are like two dogs that no one cares about. Because of our mouth, we have to suffer all kinds of hardships, as if we have nothing else in us except a mouth.For this mouth we have to sell everything else.I don't hate my mother anymore, I get it.It's not my mother's fault, nor is it that I shouldn't have that mouth. It's a fault of the food. Why don't we have food?This parting overwhelmed all the pain in the past.The crescent moon that knows best how my tears flow will not come out this time, this time there is only darkness, not even the light of a firefly.Mom left like a living ghost in the dark, without even a shadow.Even if she dies immediately, I'm afraid she won't be buried with Dad. I don't even know where her future grave is.I have only one mother, friend.I am left in my world. My mother can never see each other again, love is dead in my heart, like a spring flower beaten by frost.I worked hard to practice calligraphy, so that I could help the principal copy and write some unimportant things.I must be useful, I am eating other people's food.I am not like those female students who pay attention to others all day long, what others eat, what they wear, and what they say; I always pay attention to myself, and my shadow is my friend. "I" is always on my heart because no one loves me.I love myself, I pity myself, I encourage myself, I blame myself; I know myself as if I were another person.The slightest change in me frightens me, delights me, and baffles me.I hold it in my own hands, like holding a delicate flower.I can only focus on the present, not the future, and I dare not think deeply.Chewing someone's meal, I know it's noon or night, or I can't remember the time; without hope, there is no time.I seem to be nailed to a place where there is no sun or moon.Thinking of my mother, I know that I have lived for more than ten years.For the future, I don't look forward to holidays, festivals, and New Years like my classmates; what do holidays, festivals, and years have to do with me?But my body is getting bigger and longer, I feel it.I feel that I have grown up a little more, I am more slim, and I am not at ease with myself.The older I get, the more beautiful I feel, which is a little consolation; beauty makes me elevate my status.But I have no status at all. Comfort is sweet at first and then bitter, and bitterness makes me proud at the end.Poor, but beautiful!This makes me afraid again: Mom is not ugly either. I haven't seen the crescent moon for a long time, and I dare not go to see it, although I want to.I have graduated and still live in the school.In the evening, there were only two old servants in the school, a man and a woman.They don't know what to do with me. I'm not a student, I'm not a teacher, and I'm not a servant, but I'm a servant.At night, when I was walking alone in the courtyard, Crescent Moon would often drive me into the house, and I didn't have the guts to look at it.But in the house, I will imagine what it is like, especially when there is a little wind.The breeze seemed to blow that gleam to my heart, reminding me of the past, and aggravating the present sorrow.My heart is like a bat under the moonlight. Although it is under the light, it is black. Even if black things can fly, they are still black. I have no hope.I don't cry, I just frown. I made some money: knitting something for the students, and they gave me some wages.The principal allowed me to do this.But I can't get in a lot, because they can also weave.However, they themselves were in a hurry to use it and couldn't make it, or they came to take care of me by making gloves or socks for the family members.Even so, my heart seemed to live a little bit, and I even thought: If my mother didn't take that step, I could support her.As soon as I counted my little money, I knew it was a dream, but it made me feel better.I would love to see mom.If she sees me, she'll come with me, and we'll have a way of living, I think—but not quite sure.I miss my mother, she often comes to my dreams.One day, I went on a trip outside the city with my students, and it was past four o'clock in the afternoon when I came back.In order to come back quickly, we took a trail.I saw mom!In a small alley, there was a shop selling steamed buns. There was a basket of gold ingots at the door, and a big white wooden bun was stuck in the basket.Sitting along the wall is my mother, leaning back and pulling the bellows.From a long distance, I saw the big wooden steamed bun and my mother, and I knew her back.I'm going to hug her.But I dare not, I am afraid that the students will laugh at me, they will not allow me to have such a mother.As we got closer and closer, I lowered my head and glanced at her through my tears, but she didn't see me.A group of us walked past her, but she didn't seem to see anything, and concentrated on pulling her bellows.After walking a long way, I looked back, and she was still pulling there.I couldn't see her face clearly, only her hair was loose on her forehead.I remember the name of this small alley. As if a bug was biting me in my heart, I wanted to see my mother, but I couldn't be quiet until I saw her.At this time, the school changed its principal.The fat headmaster told me I had to make up my mind that she would have my food and shelter for a day when she was here, but she couldn't guarantee that the new headmistress would do the same.I counted my money, and it was two and seventy cents.These few dollars won't starve me for the next few days, but where am I going?I dare not sit there and worry, I have to think.Finding my mother was my first thought.But can she take me in?If she couldn't take me in and I went to find her, even if it didn't cause a quarrel between her and the steamed bun seller, she must be very sad.I have to think about her, she is my mother, but not my mother, there is a barrier made of poverty between us, mother and daughter.After much deliberation, I refused to go to her.I should bear my own suffering.But how do you bear your own suffering?I can't remember.I feel the world is small, there is no place for me and my little bedroll.I am not as good as a dog, who has a place to lie down and sleep; I am not allowed to lie down in the street.Yes, I am a human, and a human can be inferior to a dog.If I hold my face and don't leave, how can I know that the new principal won't kick me out?I can't wait for people to push it out.It's spring.I only see the flowers blooming and the leaves turning green, but I don't feel any warmth.Red flowers are just red flowers, green leaves are just green leaves, I see some different colors, just a little color; these colors have no meaning, spring is a cool dead thing in my heart.I refused to cry, but the tears flowed down by themselves. I'm out looking for something.I don't look for my mother, I don't depend on anyone, I want to earn my own food.After walking for two full days, I went out with hope and returned with dust and tears.I have nothing to do.Only then did I really understand my mother, and I really forgave my mother.Mom also washed stinky socks, I can't even do that.There is only one way mother walks.The skills and morals taught to me in school are all jokes, and they are all fun when I am full and have nothing to do.My classmates forbade me to have such a mother, they laughed at the secret door; yes, they had to see it this way, they had food to eat.I'm about to make up my mind: as long as someone gives me food, I'll do anything; my mother is admirable.I'm not going to die, though I've thought about it; no, I'm going to live.I'm young, I'm good-looking, and I want to live.Shame is not of my making. Thinking about it this way, I seem to have found something.I dare to walk in the courtyard, a spring crescent hangs in the sky.I see its beauty.The sky was dark blue without a cloud.The crescent moon is clear and gentle, sending some soft light to the willow branches.There is a slight breeze in the courtyard, carrying the fragrance of flowers from the south, and blowing the shadows of willow branches to the corners where there is light, and then to places where there is no light; the light is not strong, the shadows are not heavy, and the wind blows slightly Gentle, everything is a little sleepy, but it has to move softly.Under the crescent moon and above the willow twigs, there is a pair of stars like the eyes of a smiling fairy, teasing the crooked crescent moon and the lightly swinging willow branches.There is a tree on the other side of the wall, which is full of white flowers. The twilight of the moon illuminates half of this ball of snow into bright white and half with a little gray shadow, showing an unimaginable purity.This crescent is the beginning of hope, I said to myself. I went to find the fat principal again, but she was not at home.A young man let me in.He is decent and kind.I've always been afraid of men, but this young man doesn't make me afraid of him.He asked me to say something, but I was embarrassed not to say it; when he smiled like that, my heart softened.I told him that I wanted to find the principal, and he was very enthusiastic and promised to help me.That night, he sent me two dollars, which I refused to accept, saying it was from his aunt, the Fat Headmaster.He also said that his aunt had already found a place for me to live in, and I could move there the next day.I want to doubt, but dare not.His smiling face seemed to reach my heart.I feel like I'm sorry for being suspicious, he's so sweet and gentle. His smiling lips are on my face, and from his hair I look at the crescent moon that is also smiling.The spring breeze seems to be drunk, and it blows through the spring clouds, revealing the crescent moon and a pair or two of spring stars.The willow branches on the river bank are swaying lightly, the spring frogs are singing love songs, and the fragrance of tender cattails is scattered in the heating of the Spring Festival Gala.I listened to the water flow, which seemed to give some vitality to the young cattails, and I imagined the cattails growing briskly higher.Small dandelions grow in damp and warm ground.Everything is melting the power of spring, and then releasing some fragrance.I forgot myself, I lost myself, as if I was in the twilight of the spring breeze and the moon.Yue'er was suddenly covered by clouds, and I thought of myself.I lost that crescent moon, and I also lost myself, I am the same as my mother! I regret it, I masturbate, I want to cry, I like it, I don't know how.I want to run away and never see him again; I miss him again, and I'm lonely.Two huts, only me, and he comes every night.He is always handsome, always so gentle.He provided me with food and drink, and made me some new clothes.Putting on new clothes, I see my beauty for myself.But I also hated these clothes, and couldn't bear to take them off.I dare not think, and I am too lazy to think, I am in a daze, and there are always two spots of red on my cheeks.I am too lazy to dress up, but I have to dress up. I am too idle, so I have to find something to do.When dressing up, I love myself; when I'm done dressing up, I hate myself.My tears come down easily, but I try not to cry, my eyes are so moist and lovely all day long.Sometimes I kiss him like crazy, and then push him away, and even scold him; he always laughs. I knew earlier that I had no hope; a little cloud could cover the crescent moon, and my future was dark.Sure enough, it didn't take long for spring to become summer, and my spring dream came to an end.One day, just after noon, a young woman came.She is very beautiful, but she is not exquisite, like a magnet.She cried when she entered the house.Don't ask, I already understand.Looking at her, she doesn't want to quarrel with me, and I'm not prepared to conflict with her.She is honest.She cried, but took my hand: "He lied to us both!" she said.I thought she was just a "lover" too.No, she is his wife.She didn't quarrel with me, but kept saying: "You let him go!" I don't know what to do, I feel sorry for this young woman.I said yes to her.she laughed.Looking at her like this, I thought she was short-sighted, she seemed to know nothing but wanted her husband. I walked on the street for a long time.It's easy to agree to that young woman, but what should I do?I don't want to take the things he gave me; since I want to leave him, I will make a clean break.But, let go of that little thing, what else do I have?Where am I going?How can I have food that day?Well, I need those things, can't.I moved away secretly.I don't regret it, I just feel empty, as helpless as a cloud.Moved into a cabin, I slept through the day. I know how to be frugal. I have learned that money is good since I was a child.I still have that little money in hand, so I want to find a job right away.In this way, although I don't want anything, or there will be no danger.Things are not easy to find because I am a year or two older.I was adamant that it didn't help, it just felt like it should be.Why is it so difficult for women to earn money!Mother was right. There is only one way for a woman to go, and that is the way her mother walked.I don't want to go that way right away, but I know it's waiting for me not far away.The more I struggled, the more scared I became.My hope is the light of the first moon, soon to be gone.A week or two passed, and the hope dwindled.In the end, I went to be reviewed in a small restaurant with a line of young girls.A very small restaurant, but a big owner; our group is not ugly, all girls graduated from high school, waiting for the emperor's reward, waiting for the boss who looks like a broken tower to choose.He picked me.I don't thank him, but it was a bit fun at the time.The group of girls seemed to envy me, some walked away with tears in their eyes, and some scolded "Damn!" Women are so worthless! I became the second waitress at the diner.I am not good at arranging dishes, serving dishes, calculating accounts, and reporting the names of dishes.I am a little scared.But "Number One" told me not to worry, and she wouldn't either.She said, Xiaoshun takes care of everything; we as hostesses only need to pour tea for the guests, pass the towels, and collect the bills; don't care about anything else.strangeness! The cuffs of "Number One" were rolled up high, and there was not a single stain on the white lining of the cuffs.There is a white silk handkerchief on her wrist, embroidered with "Sister, I Love You".She powdered her face all day long, and her lips were smeared with blood.When lighting cigarettes for guests, she leaned her knees on other people's laps; she also poured wine for guests, and sometimes she took a sip herself.For some guests, she served them very attentively; for others, she didn't even pay attention to them, she would close her eyelids and pretend she didn't see them.She didn't entertain, so I had to go.I am afraid of men.My little experience made me understand a little bit, what to love or not, men are scary anyway.Especially the men who eat in restaurants, they pretend to be loyal and give up their seats like fighting; they try their best to guess punches and drink;I bowed my head and handed tea and hand towels, my face was hot.The guests deliberately chatted with me to make me laugh; I was not in the mood to joke.It was over nine o'clock in the evening, and I was very tired.When I got to my hut, I didn't even take off my clothes, and I slept until dawn.When I woke up, I felt a little happier. Now I am self-reliant and use my hard work to earn food for myself.I go to work very early. "No. 1" didn't come until after nine o'clock, and I had been there for more than two o'clock.She looked down on me, but she taught me not entirely maliciously: "You don't have to come so early, who comes to eat at eight o'clock? Tell you, despondent, don't stretch your face so long; you are a waitress, you are not allowed here Funeral fun. Keep your head down, no one pays for the wine; why are you here? Isn’t it to earn money? Your collar is too short, we all have to increase the collar in this business, silk handkerchiefs, people recognize this!” I I know she means it well, and I also know that if I refuse to laugh, she will suffer too, and she will get less money for the drinks; the small bill is shared equally by everyone.It's not that I look down on her, on the one hand, I really admire her, she is to make money.This is what women have to do to earn money, there is no other way.However, I refuse to learn from her.I seem to see it very clearly: one day, I have to be more enlightened than her in order to earn a living.But that's when the end of the mountain is reached; the "last resort" is always waiting for our women there, and I can only tell it to wait a few more days.It makes me gnash my teeth, it makes me angry, but the fate of women is not in their hands.After working for another three days, the big shopkeeper issued a warning: Try me for two more days, if I am willing to work longer, I have to do as "No. 1". "No. 1" was half mocking, half persuading: "Someone has already asked about you, why are you hiding a good one and pretending to be a fool? None of us don't know what's going on? Some waitresses marry bank managers; you should be ours." What about the lowly ones? Get out of your way, let’s take a fucking bus for a few days!” This, pissed me off, and I asked her, “When are you taking the bus?” She curled her red lips so that they were about to fall off. ：“不用你耍嘴皮子，干什么说什么；天生下来的香屁股，还不会干这个呢！”我干不了，拿了一块另五分钱，我回了家。 最后的黑影又向我迈了一步。为躲它，就更走近了它。我不后悔丢了那个事，可我也真怕那个黑影。把自己卖给一个人，我会。自从那回事儿，我很明白了些男女之间的关系。女人把自己放松一些，男人闻着味儿就来了。他所要的是肉，他发散了兽力，你便暂时有吃有穿；然后他也许打你骂你，或者停止了你的供给。女人就这么卖了自己，有时候还很得意，我曾经觉到得意。在得意的时候说的净是一些天上的话；过了会儿，你觉得身上的疼痛与丧气。不过，卖给一个男人，还可以说些天上的话；卖给大家，连这些也没法说了，妈妈就没说过这样的话。怕的程度不同，我没法接受“第一号”的劝告；“一个”男人到底使我少怕一点。可是，我并不想卖我自己。我并不需要男人，我还不到二十岁。我当初以为跟男人在一块儿必定有趣，谁知道到了一块他就要求那个我所害怕的事。是的，那时候我象把自己交给了春风，任凭人家摆布；过后一想，他是利用我的无知，畅快他自己。他的甜言蜜语使我走入梦里；醒过来，不过是一个梦，一些空虚；我得到的是两顿饭，几件衣服。我不想再这样挣饭吃，饭是实在的，实在地去挣好了。可是，若真挣不上饭吃，女人得承认自己是女人，得卖肉！一个多月，我找不到事作。 我遇见几个同学，有的升入了中学，有的在家里作姑娘。我不愿理她们，可是一说起话儿来，我觉得我比她们精明。原先，在学校的时候，我比她们傻；现在，“她们”显着呆傻了。她们似乎还都作梦呢。她们都打扮得很好，象铺子里的货物。她们的眼溜着年轻的男人，心里好象作着爱情的诗。我笑她们。是的，我必定得原谅她们，她们有饭吃，吃饱了当然只好想爱情，男女彼此织成了网，互相捕捉；有钱的，网大一些，捉住几个，然后从容地选择一个。我没有钱，我连个结网的屋角都找不到。我得直接地捉人，或是被捉，我比她们明白一些，实际一些。 有一天，我碰见那个小媳妇，象磁人似的那个。她拉住了我，倒好象我是她的亲人似的。她有点颠三倒四的样儿。 “你是好人！你是好人！我后悔了，”她很诚恳地说，“我后悔了！我叫你放了他，哼，还不如在你手里呢！他又弄了别人，更好了，一去不回头了！”由探问中，我知道她和他也是由恋爱而结的婚，她似乎还很爱他。他又跑了。我可怜这个小妇人，她也是还作着梦，还相信恋爱神圣。我问她现在的情形，她说她得找到他，她得从一而终。要是找不到他呢？I asked.她咬上了嘴唇，她有公婆，娘家还有父母，她没有自由，她甚至于羡慕我，我没有人管着。还有人羡慕我，我真要笑了！我有自由，笑话！她有饭吃，我有自由；她没自由，我没饭吃，我俩都是女人。 自从遇上那个小磁人，我不想把自己专卖给一个男人了，我决定玩玩了；换句话说，我要“浪漫”地挣饭吃了。我不再为谁负着什么道德责任，我饿。浪漫足以治饿，正如同吃饱了才浪漫，这是个圆圈，从哪儿走都可以。那些女同学与小磁人都跟我差不多，她们比我多着一点梦想，我比她们更直爽，肚子饿是最大的真理。是的，我开始卖了。把我所有的一点东西都折卖了，作了一身新行头，我的确不难看。我上了市。 我想我要玩玩，浪漫。啊，我错了。我还是不大明白世故。男人并不象我想的那么容易勾引。我要勾引文明一些的人，要至多只赔上一两个吻。哈哈，人家不上那个当，人家要初次见面便得到便宜。还有呢，人家只请我看电影，或逛逛大街，吃杯冰激凌；我还是饿着肚子回家。所谓文明人，懂得问我在哪儿毕业，家里作什么事。那个态度使我看明白，他若是要你，你得给他相当的好处；你若是没有好处可贡献呢，人家只用一角钱的冰激凌换你一个吻。要卖，得痛痛快快地。我明白了这个。小磁人们不明白这个。我和妈妈明白，我很想妈了。 据说有些女人是可以浪漫地挣饭吃，我缺乏资本；也就不必再这样想了。我有了买卖。可是我的房东不许我再住下去，他是讲体面的人。我连瞧他也没瞧，就搬了家，又搬回我妈妈和新爸爸曾经住过的那两间房。这里的人不讲体面，可也更真诚可爱。搬了家以后，我的买卖很不错。连文明人也来了。文明人知道了我是卖，他们是买，就肯来了；这样，他们不吃亏，也不丢身分。初干的时候，我很害怕，因为我还不到二十岁。及至作过了几天，我也就不怕了。多喒他们象了一摊泥，他们才觉得上了算，他们满意，还替我作义务的宣传。干过了几个月，我明白的事情更多了，差不多每一见面，我就能断定他是怎样的人。有的很有钱，这样的人一开口总是问我的身价，表示他买得起我。他也很嫉妒，总想包了我；逛暗娼他也想独占，因为他有钱。对这样的人，我不大招待。他闹脾气，我不怕，我告诉他，我可以找上他的门去，报告给他的太太。在小学里念了几年书，到底是没白念，他唬不住我。“教育”是有用的，我相信了。有的人呢，来的时候，手里就攥着一块钱，唯恐上了当。对这种人，我跟他细讲条件，他就乖乖地回家去拿钱，很有意思。最可恨的是那些油子，不但不肯花钱，反倒要占点便宜走，什么半盒烟卷呀，什么一小瓶雪花膏呀，他们随手拿去。这种人还是得罪不的，他们在地面上很熟，得罪了他们，他们会叫巡警跟我捣乱。我不得罪他们，我喂着他们；乃至我认识了警官，才一个个的收拾他们。世界就是狼吞虎咽的世界，谁坏谁就占便宜。顶可怜的是那象学生样儿的，袋里装着一块钱，和几十铜子，叮当地直响，鼻子上出着汗。我可怜他们，可是也照常卖给他们。我有什么办法呢！还有老头子呢，都是些规矩人，或者家中已然儿孙成群。对他们，我不知道怎样好；但是我知道他们有钱，想在死前买些快乐，我只好供给他们所需要的。这些经验叫我认识了“钱”与“人”。钱比人更厉害一些，人若是兽，钱就是兽的胆子。 我发现了我身上有了病。这叫我非常的苦痛，我觉得已经不必活下去了。我休息了，我到街上去走；无目的，乱走。我想去看看妈，她必能给我一些安慰，我想象着自己已是快死的人了。我绕到那个小巷，希望见着妈妈；我想起她在门外拉风箱的样子。馒头铺已经关了门。打听，没人知道搬到哪里去。这使我更坚决了，我非找到妈妈不可。在街上丧胆游魂地走了几天，没有一点用。我疑心她是死了，或是和馒头铺的掌柜的搬到别处去，也许在千里以外。这么一想，我哭起来。我穿好了衣裳，擦上了脂粉，在床上躺着，等死。我相信我会不久就死去的。可是我没死。门外又敲门了，找我的。好吧，我伺候他，我把病尽力地传给他。我不觉得这对不起人，这根本不是我的过错。我又痛快了些，我吸烟，我喝酒，我好象已是三四十岁的人了。我的眼圈发青，手心发热，我不再管；有钱才能活着，先吃饱再说别的吧。我吃得并不错，谁肯吃坏的呢！我必须给自己一点好吃食，一些好衣裳，这样才稍微对得起自己一点。 一天早晨，大概有十点来钟吧，我正披着件长袍在屋中坐着，我听见院中有点脚步声。我十点来钟起来，有时候到十二点才想穿好衣裳，我近来非常的懒，能披着件衣服呆坐一两个钟头。我想不起什么，也不愿想什么，就那么独自呆坐。那点脚步声，向我的门外来了，很轻很慢。不久，我看见一对眼睛，从门上那块小玻璃向里面看呢。看了一会儿，躲开了；我懒得动，还在那儿坐着。待了一会儿，那对眼睛又来了。我再也坐不住，我轻轻的开了门。 "mom!" 我们母女怎么进了屋，我说不上来。哭了多久，也不大记得。妈妈已老得不象样儿了。她的掌柜的回了老家，没告诉她，偷偷地走了，没给她留下一个钱。她把那点东西变卖了，辞退了房，搬到一个大杂院里去。她已找了我半个多月。最后，她想到上这儿来，并没希望找到我，只是碰碰看，可是竟自找到了我。她不敢认我了，要不是我叫她，她也许就又走了。哭完了，我发狂似的笑起来：她找到了女儿，女儿已是个暗娼！她养着我的时候，她得那样；现在轮到我养着她了，我得那样！女人的职业是世袭的，是专门的！ 我希望妈妈给我点安慰。我知道安慰不过是点空话，可是我还希望来自妈妈的口中。妈妈都往往会骗人，我们把妈妈的诓骗叫作安慰。我的妈妈连这个都忘了。她是饿怕了，我不怪她。她开始检点我的东西，问我的进项与花费，似乎一点也不以这种生意为奇怪。我告诉她，我有了病，希望她劝我休息几天。没有；她只说出去给我买药。“我们老干这个吗？”我问她。她没言语。可是从另一方面看，她确是想保护我，心疼我。她给我作饭，问我身上怎样，还常常偷看我，象妈妈看睡着了的小孩那样。只是有一层她不肯说，就是叫我不用再干这行了。我心中很明白——虽然有一点不满意她——除了干这个，还想不到第二个事情作。我们母女得吃得穿——这个决定了一切。什么母女不母女，什么体面不体面，钱是无情的。 妈妈想照应我，可是她得听着看着人家蹂躏我。我想好好对待她，可是我觉得她有时候讨厌。她什么都要管管，特别是对于钱。她的眼已失去年轻时的光泽，不过看见了钱还能发点光。对于客人，她就自居为仆人，可是当客人给少了钱的时候，她张嘴就骂。这有时候使我很为难。不错，既干这个还不是为钱吗？可是干这个的也似乎不必骂人。我有时候也会慢待人，可是我有我的办法，使客人急不得恼不得。妈妈的方法太笨了，很容易得罪人。看在钱的面上，我们不应当得罪人。我的方法或者出于我还年轻，还幼稚；妈妈便不顾一切的单单站在钱上了，她应当如此，她比我大着好些岁。恐怕再过几年我也就这样了，人老心也跟着老，渐渐老得和钱一样的硬。是的，妈妈不客气。她有时候劈手就抢客人的皮夹，有时候留下人家的帽子或值钱一点的手套与手杖。我很怕闹出事来，可是妈妈说的好：“能多弄一个是一个，咱们是拿十年当作一年活着的，等七老八十还有人要咱们吗？”有时候，客人喝醉了，她便把他架出去，找个僻静地方叫他坐下，连他的鞋都拿回来。说也奇怪，这种人倒没有来找账的，想是已人事不知，说不定也许病一大场。或者事过之后，想过滋味，也就不便再来闹了，我们不怕丢人，他们怕。 妈妈是说对了：我们是拿十年当一年活着。干了二三年，我觉出自己是变了。我的皮肤粗糙了，我的嘴唇老是焦的，我的眼睛里老灰渌渌的带着血丝。我起来的很晚，还觉得精神不够。我觉出这个来，客人们更不是瞎子，熟客渐渐少起来。对于生客，我更努力的伺候，可是也更厌恶他们，有时候我管不住自己的脾气。我暴躁，我胡说，我已经不是我自己了。我的嘴不由的老胡说，似乎是惯了。这样，那些文明人已不多照顾我，因为我丢了那点“小鸟依人”——他们唯一的诗句——的身段与气味。我得和野鸡学了。我打扮得简直不象个人，这才招得动那不文明的人。我的嘴擦得象个红血瓢，我用力咬他们，他们觉得痛快。有时候我似乎已看见我的死，接进一块钱，我仿佛死了一点。钱是延长生命的，我的挣法适得其反。我看着自己死，等着自己死。这么一想，便把别的思想全止住了。不必想了，一天一天地活下去就是了，我的妈妈是我的影子，我至好不过将来变成她那样，卖了一辈子肉，剩下的只是一些白头发与抽皱的黑皮。这就是生命。 我勉强地笑，勉强地疯狂，我的痛苦不是落几个泪所能减除的。我这样的生命是没什么可惜的，可是它到底是个生命，我不愿撒手。况且我所作的并不是我自己的过错。死假如可怕，那只因为活着是可爱的。我决不是怕死的痛苦，我的痛苦久已胜过了死。我爱活着，而不应当这样活着。我想象着一种理想的生活，象作着梦似的；这个梦一会儿就过去了，实际的生活使我更觉得难过。这个世界不是个梦，是真的地狱。妈妈看出我的难过来，她劝我嫁人。嫁人，我有了饭吃，她可以弄一笔养老金。我是她的希望。我嫁谁呢？ 因为接触的男子很多了，我根本已忘了什么是爱。我爱的是我自己，及至我已爱不了自己，我爱别人干什么呢？但是打算出嫁，我得假装说我爱，说我愿意跟他一辈子。我对好几个人都这样说了，还起了誓；没人接受。在钱的管领下，人都很精明。嫖不如偷，对，偷省钱。我要是不要钱，管保人人说爱我。 正在这个期间，巡警把我抓了去。我们城里的新官儿非常地讲道德，要扫清了暗门子。正式的妓女倒还照旧作生意，因为她们纳捐；纳捐的便是名正言顺的，道德的。抓了去，他们把我放在了感化院，有人教给我作工。洗、做、烹调、编织，我都会；要是这些本事能挣饭吃，我早就不干那个苦事了。我跟他们这样讲，他们不信，他们说我没出息，没道德。他们教给我工作，还告诉我必须爱我的工作。假如我爱工作，将来必定能自食其力，或是嫁个人。他们很乐观。我可没这个信心。他们最好的成绩，是已经有十几多个女的，经过他们感化而嫁了人。到这儿来领女人的，只须花两块钱的手续费和找一个妥实的铺保就够了。这是个便宜。从男人方面看；据我想，这是个笑话。我干脆就不受这个感化。当一个大官儿来检阅我们的时候，我唾了他一脸唾沫。他们还不肯放了我，我是带危险性的东西。可是他们也不肯再感化我。我换了地方，到了狱中。 狱里是个好地方，它使人坚信人类的没有起色；在我作梦的时候都见不到这样丑恶的玩艺。自从我一进来，我就不再想出去，在我的经验中，世界比这儿并强不了许多。我不愿死，假若从这儿出去而能有个较好的地方；事实上既不这样，死在哪儿不一样呢。在这里，在这里，我又看见了我的好朋友，月牙儿！多久没见着它了！妈妈干什么呢？我想起来一切。