Chapter 4 sad

If I could, I would write down my regrets and sorrows, for Zijun and myself. The shabby house in the guild hall [2] that was forgotten in a remote place was so silent and empty.How time flies, I love Zijun, escaped from this silence and emptiness by relying on her, it has been a full year.It was so unfortunate that when I came back, this room was the only one that was empty.It is still the same broken window, the half-dead locust tree and old wisteria outside the window, the square table in front of the window, the ruined wall, and the plank bed next to the wall.Lying on the bed alone in the middle of the night, just like before I lived with Zijun, all the time in the past year has been wiped out, nothing has happened, I have never moved out of this dilapidated house, and founded a hopeful company in Jizhao Hutong small family.

not only.A year ago, this silence and emptiness was not like this, and it was often filled with anticipation; looking forward to Zijun's arrival.In the long-awaited anxiety, the sound of the high soles of the leather shoes touching the brick road made me suddenly come alive!Then I saw a pale round face with dimples, pale and thin arms, a cloth striped shirt, and a black skirt.She brought the new leaves of the half-dead locust tree outside the window, so that I could see that there were also rooms of purple and white wisteria flowers hanging on the old iron-like trunks. But now, only the silence and emptiness remain, but Zijun will never come again, and forever, forever! ...

When Zijun was not in my shabby house, I couldn't see anything.In the midst of boredom, I grabbed a book by chance, whether it was science or literature, everything was the same anyway; I read on, and suddenly I felt that I had turned over ten pages, but I couldn’t remember everything in the book. things to say.It's just that the ears are very sharp, as if hearing all the footsteps coming and going outside the gate, from which there is Zijun, and he is gradually approaching, but, often gradually fades away, and finally disappears in the clutter of other footsteps bingo.I hate the son of the long class who wears cloth-soled shoes that doesn't sound like Zijun's shoes, and I hate the little cream-applied thing in the neighboring yard who often wears new leather shoes that sounds too much like Zijun's shoes!

Could it be that she overturned the car?Could it be that she was hit by a tram? ... I was about to take off my hat to see her, but her uncle scolded me to my face. Suddenly, the sound of her shoes approached, one step at a time, and when she went out to meet her, she had already passed under the wisteria shed, with a dimpled smile on her face.She probably didn't get angry at her uncle's house; my heart calmed down, and after I looked at each other silently for a while, the dilapidated house gradually filled with my voice, talking about family autocracy, breaking old habits, and talking about equality between men and women , talk about Ibsen, talk about Tagore, talk about Shelley [4].......She always smiled and nodded, her eyes filled with childish curiosity.Nailed to the wall was a brass bust of Shelley, cut out of a magazine, the finest of his portraits.When I pointed it out to her, she only glanced at it briefly, then lowered her head, as if embarrassed.In these places, Zijun probably hasn’t completely shaken off the shackles of old ideas—I later thought, it would be better to replace it with a commemorative portrait of Shelley drowning in the sea or Ibsen; , Now even this one does not know where to go.

"I am mine and none of them has the right to interfere with me!" This is what she said clearly, resolutely, and quietly after we had been dating for half a year and talked about her uncle who was here and her father who was at home.At that time, I had already expressed my opinions, my life experience, and my shortcomings, and I seldom concealed them; she also fully understood.These few words shocked my soul, and they still rang in my ears for many days afterwards, and I was indescribably ecstatic. Knowing that Chinese women are not as helpless as the world-weary family said, in the not-too-distant future, We will see the glorious dawn.

To send her out, as usual, we were more than ten steps away from each other; as usual, the face of the old catfish-whiskered thing was pressed against the dirty windowpane again, and even the tip of his nose was squeezed into a small plane; The little thing's face in the shining glass window, thickened with cream.She walked away proudly without turning her eyes away, without seeing it; I came back proudly. "I am my own, and none of them has the right to interfere with me!" This thorough thought was in her mind, much clearer and stronger than mine.What could a half bottle of cream and a facet on the tip of her nose be to her?

I can no longer remember how I expressed my innocent and passionate love to her at that time.Not only now, but what happened at that time is blurred afterwards, and in retrospect at night, there are only some fragments left; after living together for a month or two, even these fragments have turned into untraceable dream shadows.I only remember that in the ten days before that time, I had carefully studied the attitude expressed, arranged the order of words, and the situation if I was rejected.But it seemed to be useless for the time being. In my panic, I couldn't help but used the method I had seen in the movie.When I thought about it later, it made me feel very ashamed, but in my memory, this is the only thing left forever, and it is still like a lonely lamp in a dark room, seeing me holding her hand with tears in my eyes, and kneeling down on one leg... .

Not only my own, but also Zijun's words and actions, I didn't see clearly at that time; I only knew that she had allowed me.But I still seem to remember that her face turned blue and white, and then gradually turned crimson again--a crimson that I have never seen before, and I will never see you again; there was sadness and joy in her child-like eyes, but there was a light of surprise, although I tried my best to avoid my eyes. The line of sight seemed to fly away through the window in a panic.Yet I knew she had given me permission, not what she said or didn't say. But she remembers everything: my words are so familiar that I can recite them eloquently; my actions are like a video that I can't see hanging in front of my eyes, and the narration is very subtle and natural Not even that flick of a shallow movie that makes me stop thinking about it.In the dead of night, it was time for relative revision. I was often questioned, tested, and ordered to repeat what I said at the time, but she often had to make up and correct me, just like a junior student.

This review gradually became rarer later.But as long as I see her staring at the sky, thinking in a trance, her expression becomes softer and her smile deepens, then I know she is studying the old lessons by herself again, but I am afraid that she will see my ridiculous face. A flash of the movie.But I also know that she must see it, and she must see it. She didn't find it ridiculous, however.Even if I thought it was ridiculous, even despicable, she never thought it was ridiculous.I know this very clearly, because she loves me so passionately and so purely. The late spring of last year was the happiest and busiest time.My heart calmed down, but another part got busy with my body.We were just walking together on the road at this time, and we have been to the park a few times, most of which were looking for a place to live.I felt that when I encountered probing, ridiculing, obscene and contemptuous gazes on the road, my whole body shrank a little if I was not careful, so I had to immediately raise my pride and resistance to support it.But she is fearless, she doesn't care about these at all, she just moves forward calmly and slowly, as calm as entering a land where no one is there.

Finding a place to live is really not an easy task, most of it is rejected on excuses, and the other half is because we think it is not suitable.At first we chose harshly,—and not harshly, because it probably didn't look like a place for us to live in; later, it was only compatible with them.After looking at more than twenty places, I found a place that I could deal with temporarily, which were the two south rooms in a small house in Jizhao Hutong.He only has his wife and a girl who is less than one year old, and he hires a female worker from the country. As long as the child does not cry, he is extremely peaceful and quiet.

Our furniture is very simple, but most of the money I raised has been used up; Zijun also sold her only gold ring and earrings.I stopped her, but I still decided to sell it, so I didn't insist on it anymore; I knew that if I didn't add some shares to her, she would be uncomfortable. She had quarreled with her uncle long ago, and he was so angry that he no longer recognized her as his niece; I also broke up with a few friends who thought they were advising me, but were actually timid on my behalf, or were actually jealous.It was quiet, however.After work is over every day, although it is almost dusk, and the coachman must go so slowly, there is still time for the two of them to meet each other.We first looked at each other in silence, then we had a relaxed and intimate conversation, and then we were silent again.Everyone bowed their heads in thought, but didn't think about anything.I also gradually read through her body and soul soberly. In just three weeks, I seem to have understood her better, and I have removed many barriers that I thought I understood but now seem to be barriers, that is, the so-called real barriers. Zijun also became active day by day.But she doesn't like flowers. The two pots of small grass flowers I bought at the temple fair[5] died in the corner without watering for four days, and I didn't have the time to take care of everything.However, she loves animals, maybe she got it from the official's wife. Within a month, our family suddenly increased a lot. Four little chickens walked in the small yard with the owner's dozen or so.But they knew the appearance of the chicken, and each knew which one belonged to them.There was also a grey-and-white lapdog, which I bought from a temple fair. I remember it had the original name, but Zijun gave it another name, A Sui.I just called it A Sui, but I don't like the name. It is true that love must always renew, grow, create.When I mentioned this to Zijun, she nodded in understanding. Oh, what a peaceful and happy night it was! Tranquility and happiness must be solidified, and such tranquility and happiness will last forever.When we were in the guild hall, there were occasional conflicts of discussion and misunderstandings, but since we arrived in Jizhao Hutong, even this has disappeared; we only sat in the nostalgic story under the lamp, reminiscing about the reconciliation after the conflict at that time. The fun of rebirth. Zijun actually gained weight, and his face turned red; it's a pity that he was busy.After taking care of the housework, I don't even have time to chat, let alone study and take a walk.We used to say we'd have to hire a maid again. This made me unhappy too. When I came back in the evening, I saw that she was hiding her unhappiness. What made me especially unhappy was that she had to put on a forced smile.Fortunately, it was found out, and it was still a secret fight with the little official's wife, and the fuse was the little chickens of the two families.But why insist on not telling me?Everyone should have an independent family.Such a place is uninhabitable. My path has also been set, six days a week, from home to bureau, and from bureau to home.In the bureau, I would sit at the desk and write papers and letters; at home, I would meet her or help her light the white stove, cook rice, and steam steamed buns.I learned to cook at this time. But my food is much better than in the guild hall.Although cooking is not Zijun's specialty, she devotes all her energy to it; I have to worry about her day and night, and I have to worry about it together, which can be counted as sharing joys and sorrows.Besides, she was sweating all day long, and her short hair was sticking to her forehead; her hands were just rough like this. What's more, she also needs to feed Ah Sui, feed chickens,...all must be her work.I once warned her: I don't eat, it's fine; but don't work like this.She just glanced at me and didn't speak, but her expression seemed a little sad; I had no choice but to keep silent.Yet she worked so hard. The blow I expected came true.The night before the Double Tenth Festival, I sat blankly while she was washing the dishes.Hearing the knock on the door, when I went to open it, it was the messenger from the bureau who handed me a mimeographed note.I had expected it a little bit, and looked under the lamp, and sure enough, it was printed: According to the director of the bureau, Shi Juansheng is not required to come to the bureau for business The Secretariat will open on October 9th I had expected this when I was in the guild hall; the cream was the gambler of the director's son, so I must go to add some rumors and try to report it.It is too late for the effect to take place now.In fact, this is not a blow to me, because I have decided long ago that I can write for others, or teach reading, or even though it is laborious, I can also translate some books. Besides, the editor-in-chief of "Friends of Freedom" has seen I have been acquaintances for several times, and we still passed letters two months ago.But my heart was beating.The change of color of such a fearless Zijun made me especially sad; she also seems to be more timid lately. "What's that. Well, we're doing something new. We're..." she said. She didn't finish her sentence; somehow, the voice was just floaty to me; the lights also felt extraordinarily dim.People are ridiculous animals, and the smallest things can have a profound impact.We first looked at each other silently, gradually discussed it, and finally decided to try our best to save the existing money. While posting "small advertisements" to seek banknote writing and teaching reading, we wrote to the editor-in-chief of "Friends of Freedom", explaining that we For the current encounter, I ask him to accept my translation and give me a little help in difficult times. "Do it, let it go! Let's open a new road!" I immediately turned to the desk, pushed away the bottle of sesame oil and the saucer of vinegar, and Zijun sent the dim lamp.I first drew up advertisements; secondly, I selected books that could be translated, and I hadn’t read them since the migration, and each book was covered with dust; lastly, I wrote letters. I hesitated a lot, not knowing what to say, and when I stopped writing to contemplate, I glanced at her face in the blink of an eye, and under the dim light, it looked very sad.I really didn't expect that such a small matter could bring about such a remarkable change in a resolute and fearless Zijun.She has really become very timid lately, but it didn't start tonight.As a result, my mind was even more confused, and suddenly there was an image of a peaceful life-the silence of the dilapidated house in the hall, flashing in front of my eyes, and I just wanted to stare intently, but saw the dim light again. After a long time, the letter was completed, and it was quite a long letter; I felt very tired, as if I had become more timid recently.So we decided that advertising and sending letters will be carried out together tomorrow.Everyone straightened their waists in unison, and in silence, they seemed to feel each other's perseverance and strength, and they also saw the newly sprouted hope for the future. The blows from outside actually lifted our new spirits.Life in the bureau is like a bird in the hands of a bird dealer, with only a little millet to survive, and it will never be fat; after a long time, only its wings are paralyzed, and even if it is released from the cage, it has long been unable to fly.Now at last out of this cage, I shall soar in new open skies, before I forget the beating of my wings. Small advertisements will naturally not be effective for a while; but translating books is not an easy task. If you read it before and think you already understand it, you will encounter many difficulties when you start it, and the progress is very slow.However, I am determined to work hard. A half-new dictionary has a large black finger mark on the side in less than half a month, which proves that my work is real. The editor-in-chief of the "Friends of Liberty" once said that his publication would never bury good manuscripts. It's a pity that I don't have a quiet room, and Zijun is not as quiet and considerate as before. The room is always scattered with dishes and filled with soot, which makes people unable to do things with peace of mind. I can't afford a study myself.However, A Sui was added, and oil chickens were added.In addition, the oil chickens have grown up again, and they are more likely to become the spark of quarrel between the two families. In addition to the daily "continuous flow" of meals; Zijun's achievements seem to be completely built on this meal.After eating, raising money, raising money to eat, and feeding Ah Sui, the oily chicken; she seemed to have forgotten everything she knew before, and she didn't expect that my thoughts would often be interrupted because of this urging to eat.Even if she showed a little anger while sitting, she never changed, she still chewed without feeling anything. It took five weeks to make her understand that my work cannot be restricted by the prescribed food.After she understood it, she was probably very upset, but she didn't say anything.Sure enough, my work has been progressing relatively quickly since then, and soon I have translated a total of 50,000 words. As long as I polish it once, I can send it to "Friends of Freedom" together with the two completed essays.It still bothers me just to eat.It doesn't matter if the food is cold, but there isn't enough; sometimes there isn't even enough rice, although my appetite is much smaller than before because I sit at home and use my brain all day long.This is to feed Ah Sui first, and sometimes the mutton that even I don't eat easily these days.She said that Ah Sui was so pitifully thin that the landlady laughed at us because of it, and she couldn't bear such ridicule. So the only ones who eat my remnants are chickens.It took me a long time to realize this, but at the same time, like Huxley [6]'s thesis of "the position of human beings in the universe", I realized my position here: it is just a difference between a bulldog and a chicken. between. Later, after many times of struggle and urging, the oily chickens gradually became delicacies. We and Ah Sui both enjoyed fresh fat for more than ten days; but they were actually very thin, because they could only get a few grains of sorghum a day. .It's been much quieter since then.Only Zijun was depressed, and seemed to often feel miserable and bored, so he was reluctant to speak.I think how easy it is for people to change! But A Sui won't be able to stay anymore.We could no longer hope for letters from somewhere, and Zijun had no food to make him arch or stand upright.Winter is approaching so quickly, and the stove will become a big problem; its food intake, in fact, has long been a very heavy burden for us.So even it couldn't stay. If we planted a straw sign[7] and went to the temple market to sell it, maybe we could get a few pennies, but we can't and don't want to do it.Finally, I covered my head with a bundle, and I took him to the western suburbs to let him go. If I tried to catch up, I pushed him into a not very deep pit. Once I returned to my apartment, I felt much quieter again; but Zijun's miserable expression surprised me.It was a look he had never seen before, and it was naturally for Ah Sui.But so what?I haven't said anything about being pushed in a pit. At night, a cold element was added to her miserable look. "Strange.——Zijun, why are you like this today?" I couldn't help asking. "What?" She didn't even look at me. "Your face..." "Nothing,—nothing." I finally figured out from her words and actions that she had probably decided that I was a cruel person.In fact, it is easy for me to live alone. Although I have never been in touch with the world because of pride, and I have alienated all old acquaintances after I moved, but as long as I can fly far away, my life is very broad.Now he is enduring the oppressive pain of this life, mostly because of her, even if he lets go of Ah Sui, it is not the same.But Zijun's knowledge seems to be only superficial, so that he can't even think of this. I took an opportunity to hint these principles to her; she nodded as if she understood.However, judging from her later situation, she didn't understand, or didn't believe it. The cold weather and the cold look forced me to not settle down in my family.But where?On the avenue and in the park, although there is no icy expression, the cold wind still pricks people's skin to tears.I finally found my paradise in popular libraries. There is no need to buy a ticket; there are two iron stoves in the reading room.Even if it's just a stove burning with immortal coals, just seeing it puts it on, and one always feels warm in spirit.But there are no books to read: the old ones are stale, and the new ones are almost non-existent. Fortunately, I didn't go there to read a book.In addition, there are often a few people, up to a dozen or so, all in thin clothes, just like me, each reading each other's books as an excuse to keep warm.This is especially fitting for me.It is easy to meet acquaintances on the road and get a contemptuous glance, but there is no such accident here, because they are always around other iron stoves, or leaning against their own white stove. Although there are no books for me to read there, there is still room for me to think about it.It was only when I sat alone and looked back on the past that I felt that for half a year, I had neglected all other essentials of life just for the sake of love——blind love.The first is life.People must live, and love can be attached.It is not that there are ways of living for the strugglers in the world; I have not yet forgotten the flapping of my wings, although I am much more depressed than before.... The house and readers gradually disappeared, and I saw fishermen in the raging waves, soldiers in the trenches, dignitaries on motorcycles, speculators in foreign markets, heroes in deep mountains and dense forests, professors on the podium, and athletes in the dark And the Thief of the Night….Zijun——not nearby.She lost all her courage, and only grieved for Ah Sui, and was obsessed with cooking; but the strange thing was that she was not so thin.... It was getting colder, and the hard coals in the stove were finally burned out, and it was time to close the museum.We have to go back to Jizhao Hutong again to enjoy the cold colors.Recently, I also occasionally encountered warm expressions, but this only increased my pain.I remember that one night, Zijun's eyes flashed a childish light that I hadn't seen for a long time, and he smiled and talked to me about the situation when he was still in the guild hall, with a look of horror from time to time.I knew that my recent indifference to her had aroused her concern, so I tried my best to talk and laugh, trying to give her some comfort.However, as soon as my smile appeared on my face and my words came out, they immediately turned into emptiness, and this emptiness immediately reverberated, returning to my ears and eyes, and giving me an embarrassing and vicious sneer.Zijun seemed to feel it too, and since then she has lost her usual numb composure. Although she tried her best to hide it, she always showed a suspicious expression from time to time, but she was much gentler to me. I want to tell her clearly, but I haven't dared yet. When I was determined to speak, I saw her childish eyes, so I had to temporarily change into a forced smile.But it immediately came to mock me, and made me lose my cold composure. From then on, she began to review the past and new tests, forcing me to give many hypocritical and tender answers, and to show her the tenderness, the hypocritical draft was written in my heart.My heart is gradually filled with these drafts, and I often find it difficult to breathe.In my distress, I often think that it takes great courage to tell the truth; if you don't have this courage, and you are content with hypocrisy, then you are a person who cannot open up a new way of life.Not only this, but even this person! Zijun has a look of resentment, in the morning, a very cold morning, this is something I have never seen before, but maybe it is the look of resentment from my point of view.I was coldly annoyed and laughed to myself at the time; the thoughts she had honed and her open-minded and fearless speech were, after all, still a void, and she was not aware of this void.She has long since stopped reading any books, and she no longer knows that survival is the first step in human life, and that one must walk hand in hand or go alone on this road of survival, if only one knows how to beat the hem of a person's clothes , that is, it is difficult for soldiers to fight, so they have to perish together. I think the new hope lies only in our separation; she should give up resolutely——I also suddenly thought of her death, but immediately blamed myself and repented.Fortunately, it is morning, and there is plenty of time, so I can say my truth.It is at this time that our new path is opened. I chatted with her, deliberately brought up our past, mentioned literature and art, and then involved foreign literati and their works: "Nora", "The Woman of the Sea" [9].Shout out to Yannola for her decisiveness….It was still the words I spoke last year in the shabby room of the guild hall, but now it has become empty, passing from my mouth to my ears, and I always suspect that there is an invisible bad boy who is maliciously imitating the tongue behind my back. She still nodded in agreement to listen, and then fell silent.I also finished my words intermittently, and even the lingering sound disappeared into the void. "Yes." She was silent for a while, and then said, "But... Juansheng, I think you have changed a lot recently. But you? You——you tell me the truth." I felt that this seemed to be a blow to my head, but I immediately settled down and expressed my opinions and opinions: opening up new paths, rebuilding new lives, so as not to perish together. At the end of the day, with great determination, I added these few words: "...Besides, you can go forward without any worries. You want me to be honest; yes, people shouldn't be hypocritical. Let me be honest: because, because I don't love you anymore! But it's good for you more, because you can do things without any worries...." At the same time, I expected the arrival of a big change, but there was only silence.Her complexion suddenly turned gray and yellow, as if she had died; she came back to life in an instant, and her eyes shone with a childish sparkle.This look is cast about, like a child seeking a loving mother in hunger and thirst, but only in the air, avoiding my eyes in terror. I couldn't read any more, but fortunately it was morning, and I braved the cold wind and headed for the popular library. Saw "Friends of Liberty" there, and all my essays were published.This startled me, as if annoyed a little.I think there are still many ways to go in life——but this is still not enough. I began to visit long-lost acquaintances, but only once or twice; their houses were naturally warm, but I felt cold in my bones.At night, they curl up in a cold room that is colder than ice. The needles of ice pierced my soul and made me suffer from numb pain forever.There are still many ways to live, and I haven't forgotten the flapping of my wings, I think. ——I suddenly thought of her death, but immediately blamed myself and repented. There is often a glimpse of light in an ordinary library, and a new way of life lies ahead.She came to her senses bravely, walked out of this cold home resolutely, and--without a look of resentment.I am as light as a cloud, floating in the sky, with the blue sky above, the mountains and the sea below, high-rise buildings, battlefields, motorcycles, foreign farms, mansions, bright downtown, dark night... And, really, I have a feeling that this new face is coming. We finally survived the extremely unbearable winter, this winter in Beijing; like a dragonfly in the hands of a mischievous child, we were tied up with strings, played with and abused to our heart's content, although fortunately we did not lose our lives, the result was also Still lying on the ground, only fighting for a time sooner or later. I wrote three letters to the editor-in-chief of "Friends of Freedom" before I got a reply, and there were only two book coupons in the envelope: a two-pointed one and a triangular one.But I spent nine cents of the postage stamp just to urge me, and the hunger for a day was in vain, giving me the emptiness of having nothing to gain. However, what I thought was coming has finally arrived. This was at the turn of winter and spring, the wind was no longer so cold, and I wandered outside for a longer time; when I got home, it was probably already dark.On such a dark night, I came back listlessly as usual, and when I saw the door of the apartment, I was even more depressed as usual, so I slowed down my steps even more.But I finally walked into my own room, there was no light; when I touched a match to light it up, it was strangely lonely and empty! In my astonishment, Mrs. Guan came to the window and told me to go out. "Zijun's father came here today and took her back." She said simply. This didn't seem to be what I expected, so I stood speechless as if I had been hit in the back of the head. "Has she gone?" After a while, that's all I asked. "She went." "She—what can she say?" "I didn't say anything. I just asked me to tell you when I saw you back that she had gone." I don't believe it; but the room is strangely lonely and empty.I looked everywhere, looking for Zijun; I saw only a few pieces of dilapidated and dingy furniture, all of which looked extremely sparse, proving that they had no ability to hide anyone or anything.I turned to look for the letter or the handwriting she left, but there was nothing there; it was just salt and dried chili, flour, and half a cabbage, all gathered in one place, with dozens of copper coins beside it.This is all the living materials of the two of us, and now she solemnly leaves it to me alone, without saying a word, teaching me to use it to maintain a longer life. I seemed to be squeezed out by my surroundings, and ran to the middle of the yard, and there was darkness around me; the paper windows of the main room reflected bright lights, and they were teasing the children to push and laugh.My heart also calmed down, and I felt that under the heavy oppression, the path to escape gradually appeared: deep mountains and marshes, foreign markets, feasts under electric lights; ditches, the darkest and darkest night, the blow of a sharp knife, Silent footsteps.... Feeling a little relieved, I stretched out, thought about the travel expenses, and let out a sigh. Lying down, the imagined future that passed before my closed eyes was gone before midnight; suddenly I seemed to see a pile of food in the dark, and after that, Zijun's sallow face appeared, and his childish eyes opened , looking at me pleadingly.I must be god, there is nothing left. But my heart feels heavy.Why can't I bear it for a few days and tell her the truth in such a hurry?Now she knows that all she has in the future is the sun-like majesty of her father, the creditor of her children, and the frosty coldness of others.And then there is the void.Carrying the burden of emptiness, walking the so-called road of life in the eyes of majesty and indifference, what a terrible thing it is!What's more, the end of this road is just a tomb without even a tombstone. I should not tell the truth to Zijun, we have loved each other, I should dedicate my lies to her forever.If authenticity could be precious, it shouldn't be a heavy void in Zijun.Of course a lie is also a void, but at the end, it is no more than this heavy. I thought that by telling the truth to Zijun, she would be able to move forward resolutely without any worries, just like when we were going to live together.But I'm afraid I'm mistaken.Her bravery and fearlessness at that time was because of love. I did not have the courage to bear the burden of falsehood, but cast the burden of truth on her.After she loves me, she will bear this burden and walk the so-called road of life in the strict and cold eyes. I thought of her death....I see that I am a coward who should be cast out of the mighty, both true and false.However, from beginning to end, she still hopes that I can maintain a longer life... I want to leave Jizhao Hutong, where it is strangely empty and lonely.I think that as long as I leave here, Zijun will still be by my side; at least, it will be as if he is still in the city. One day, he will unexpectedly visit me, just like when he was living in the guild hall. However, there was no response to all requests and letters. I had no choice but to visit a family friend whom I hadn't seen for a long time.He was my uncle's childhood classmate, Bagong [11] known for his seriousness, who had lived in Beijing for a long time and made many friends. Probably because of the shabby clothes, the concierge stared at me as soon as I entered the door.It was very difficult to meet each other, and we still know each other, but they are very cold.He knows everything about our past. "Of course, you can't stay here either," he said coldly after hearing that I asked him to find work elsewhere, "but where? Zijun, you know, she is dead." I was speechless in shock. "Really?" I finally asked unconsciously. "Haha. Of course it's true. My Wang Sheng's family is in the same village as hers." "But,—how did you die?" "Who knows. He's dead anyway." I have forgotten how to say goodbye to him and go back to my apartment.I know he doesn't lie; Zijun will never come again, like last year.Although she wanted to walk the so-called road of life with the burden of emptiness in the eyes of majesty and indifference, she could no longer do so.Her fate has already decided that she will perish in the truth I gave—the loveless world! Naturally, I can't be here; but, "Where are we going?" All around is a vast emptiness, and a dead silence.I seem to see the darkness before the eyes of those who die without love, and I can hear all the voices of distress and despair. I also look forward to the arrival of new things, unnamed, unexpected.But day by day is nothing but the silence of death. I don't go out much more than before, I just sit and lie in the vast emptiness, letting this dead silence eat away at my soul.The silence of death sometimes trembles by itself, retreating by itself, so at the turn of the continuation, nameless, unexpected, and new expectations flash out. It was a gloomy morning, and the sun was still struggling to get out of the clouds; even the air was tired.I heard the sound of footsteps and snorting in my ears, which made me open my eyes.At a glance, the room is still empty; but when I saw the ground by chance, there was a small animal hovering, emaciated, half-dead, covered in dust... As soon as I looked closely, my heart stopped, and then jumped up. That's A Sui.it came back. My departure from Jizhao Hutong was not only because of the cold eyes of the homeowners and his female workers, but mostly because of this Ah Sui.But, "Where are we going?" Naturally, there are still many new ways of life. I have a vague idea of ​​them, and sometimes I see them vaguely, and feel that they are right in front of me. However, I still don't know how to take the first step to get there. After many times of thinking and comparison, only the guild hall is still compatible.It is still such a dilapidated house, such a plank bed, such half-dead locust trees and wisterias, but at that time, everything that gave me hope, joy, love, and life was gone, and there was only a void, which I exchanged for reality. the existence of the void. There are still many new ways of life, and I must step into them, because I am still alive.But I don't yet know how to take that first step.有时，仿佛看见那生路就像一条灰白的长蛇，自己蜿蜒地向我奔来，我等着，等着，看看临近，但忽然便消失在黑暗里了。 初春的夜，还是那么长。长久的枯坐中记起上午在街头所见的葬式，前面是纸人纸马，后面是唱歌一般的哭声。我现在已经知道他们的聪明了，这是多么轻松简截的事。 然而子君的葬式却又在我的眼前，是独自负着虚空的重担，在灰白的长路上前行，而又即刻消失在周围的严威和冷眼里了。 我愿意真有所谓鬼魂，真有所谓地狱，那么，即使在孽风怒吼之中，我也将寻觅子君，当面说出我的悔恨和悲哀，祈求她的饶恕；否则，地狱的毒焰将围绕我，猛烈地烧尽我的悔恨和悲哀。 我将在孽风和毒焰中拥抱子君，乞她宽容，或者使她快意……。 但是，这却更虚空于新的生路；现在所有的只是初春的夜，竟还是那么长。我活着，我总得向着新的生路跨出去，那第一步，——却不过是写下我的悔恨和悲哀，为子君，为自己。 我仍然只有唱歌一般的哭声，给子君送葬，葬在遗忘中。 我要遗忘；我为自己，并且要不再想到这用了遗忘给子君送葬。 我要向着新的生路跨进第一步去，我要将真实深深地藏在心的创伤中，默默地前行，用遗忘和说谎做我的前导……。 一九二五年十月二十一日毕。 〔1〕 本篇在收入本书前未在报刊上发表过。 〔2〕 会馆旧时都市中同乡会或同业公会设立的馆舍，供同乡或同业旅居、聚会之 〔3〕长班旧时官员的随身仆人，也用来称呼一般的"听差"。 〔4〕伊孛生（Ｈ. Ｉｂｓｅｎ，1828-1906）通译易卜生，挪威剧作家。泰戈尔（Ｒ. Ｔａｇｏｒｅ，1861-1941），印度诗人。一九二四年曾来过我国。当时他的诗作译成中文的有、等。雪莱（Ｐ. Ｂ. Ｓｈｅｌｌｅｙ，1792-1822），英国诗人。曾参加爱尔兰民族独立运动，因传播革命思想和争取婚姻自由屡遭迫害。后在海里覆舟淹死。他的《西风颂》、《云雀颂》等著名短诗，"五四"后被介绍到我国。 〔5〕 庙会又称"庙市"，旧时在节日或规定的日子，设在寺庙或其附近的集市。 〔6〕赫胥黎（Ｔ. Ｈｕｘｌｅｙ，1825-1895）英国生物学家。他的《人类在宇宙间的位置》（今译《人类在自然界的位置》），是宣传达尔文的进化论的重要著作。 〔7〕草标旧时在被卖的人身或物品上插置的草杆，作为出卖的标志。 〔8〕摩托车当时对小汽车的称呼。 〔9〕《诺拉》通译《娜拉》（又译作《推偶之家》）；《海的女人》，通译《海的夫人》。都是易卜生的著名剧作。 〔10〕书券购书用的代价券，可按券面金额到指定书店选购。旧时有的报刊用它代替现金支付稿酬。 〔11〕拔贡清代科举考试制度：在规定的年限（原定六年，后改为十二年）选拔"文行计优"的秀才，保送到京师，贡入国子监，称为"拔贡"。是贡生的一种。