My mother probably hates me. I started to have such thoughts when I entered the upper grades of elementary school. However, my mother will not abuse me like Cinderella's stepmother, and she never spoke coldly to me. In fact, in my memories, most of them are the little things I received from my mother. I have three photo albums at home, almost all of which are my photos, nearly 90% of which are taken by my parents, and only a few are taken by classmates or friends. On the third page from the front of the second photo album, there is a photo taken by the whole family when they traveled to Mount Hakodate. There are only my mother and me on it, so it can be seen that it is my father who pressed the shutter.The shooting location was in a place similar to an observatory, with beautiful red maples in the background, and the time should be mid-October.

In the photo, I am about four or five years old, wearing a hooded jacket. Judging from my expression, I seemed to feel a little cold at the time, and my mother squatted slightly and hugged me. The strange thing is that my mother’s eyes did not look at the camera but Looking slightly to the right, I once asked my mother what she was looking at at that time, and she said with some embarrassment: "At that time, I saw a bee flying around in the distance. I was afraid that it would fly over, so I wasn't in the mood to take pictures." My father said he didn't remember any bees, but my mother insisted that there were bees. Although I don't remember anything at the time, I believe there should be bees. The picture of my mother trying to protect me is the best proof. It can be seen from the expression that she is not worried about herself but her young daughter.Because of this episode, this one is my favorite of all the photos, unfortunately the album is no longer available.

My mother's love for me is delicate, natural and just right. I can feel completely at ease when I stay with her. I always thought that this kind of life would last forever. When this supposedly unending love took a shadow, I can't say, since our daily routines haven't really changed much. However, I tried to recall that when I was young, I also noticed my mother’s strange behavior several times. For example, when I accidentally raised my head while eating, I found my mother was looking at me solemnly, and I also saw my mother sitting motionless while dressing. I was in a daze in front of the stage for a long time, but at these times, as long as my mother found that I was looking at her, she would smile at me gently as usual.

It wasn't a big deal, but with a child's intuition, I gradually realized that there was something wrong with my mother's attitude, and as I grew up, my mother's condition became more and more serious. My father is a university professor and is keen on research. Even at home, he often works in the study, so there is a gap between me and him. His image in my heart is more like a manager than a father, although I can feel that he is quite spoiled. I, the uneasiness brought about by my mother's attitude, but I still can't let go. In the fifth grade, I had a deeper feeling-my mother seemed to be avoiding me.I used to stay in the kitchen and watch my mother cooking while talking about what happened at school, but once upon a time, my mother’s expression of listening to me was no longer as happy as before, and sometimes she would even tell me to leave and not disturb her cooking; When I go shopping on the street, if I say I want to go with her, she will say something like "I bought things for my father today, you will feel bored if you come with me" and so on, which makes me dismiss it. This is also an unprecedented situation.

What bothered me most, however, was that my mother stopped looking at me when she spoke to me.Even if they are facing me, their eyes are looking at other places besides me. I don't understand why my mother who was so gentle suddenly became so distant, I can't think of the reason at all. Near the end of fifth grade I knew the answer.The elementary school I attend holds parent-child talks at the end of each semester. After the fifth-grade talk, our mother and daughter, classmate Xiao Nan, and his mother walked into the coffee shop. The two mothers chatted for a while. Say: "Is Ju Zi like father or mother? More like father?"

"Ju Zi is not like Auntie at all." Xiao Nan also looked at my mother's face and said, "The eyes are not the same at all, and the nose is also very different." "Really?" I said. "Fortunately, it's not like me, otherwise it would be too pitiful." Mother replied with a smile, then she stared at me and murmured sadly: "It's really not like me at all..." At this moment, I understood what my mother was thinking. There was no smile in her eyes, and she looked at me as if she was looking at some kind of terrible creature. I came up with the answer. My mother is no longer gentle with me because I don’t look like her. As for why mother and daughter must look alike, I didn’t think much about it. Maybe I had vaguely realized that parents would be more loving and kind. Children who look like themselves.

Indeed, no one has ever said that our mother and daughter look alike, but I have never seriously thought about this issue.Every time I go back to my grandma's house, my grandma always looks at me and says, "This child is getting more and more beautiful. Who does he look like? Jinghui can give birth to such a beautiful child. It's really a good bamboo shoot." Hearing what grandma said, my mother also laughed happily.Yes, that was when I was little. From that day on, I often hid in the room and looked at myself in the mirror. I wanted to find something in common with my mother, but the more I looked at it, the more I felt that I was completely different from my mother, and the gap became wider and wider as I grew older; then I noticed another thing - I am not like my father at all.

A terrible thought gradually took possession of my heart, and I began to suspect that I was not their own.As the eldest daughter, they were considered very old parents, in other words, they probably adopted me out of childlessness. I was secretly worried, and I couldn't find anyone to discuss it with, so I could only hide in my own world and feel sorry for myself. It was at that time that the school taught about household registration. The tutor at that time was a young male teacher. He answered me with certainty: "The information in the household registration transcript is absolutely correct. If it is adopted, it will be recorded as an adopted daughter."

Two days later, I made up my mind to go to the municipal office. The lady in charge was a little surprised that I, a primary school student, had come to apply for a copy of household registration. A few minutes later, I got the copy of the household registration transcript. I wanted to go home first, but I couldn't help but read it on the spot. "Shijiaqing" and "Jinghui" are printed on the parent column, and two convincing words are printed below: "Eldest Daughter". As soon as I saw these two words, the depression in my chest suddenly dissipated. I never knew that the words "eldest daughter" could be so warm.I let go of the big stone in my heart and read the household registration transcripts again and again. It turns out that the matter is so simple, and it turns out that it is so simple to find out the truth.

Grandma once said to me: "When you were born, your mother had a dystocia. Everyone was worried. Relatives gathered in the hospital and waited for nearly eight hours. At one o'clock in the middle of the night, the snow outside was getting heavier and heavier. Everyone was discussing when they might have to go to the roof to shovel snow tomorrow. I heard you fall to the ground." Seeing the household registration transcript reminded me of these words. It turned out that what my grandmother said was true, not a story made up to deceive me. But in this way, my doubts returned to the original point, why is my appearance so different from that of my parents?Every time I look in the mirror I can't help but wonder.

When I entered the sixth grade, my mother became even more alien to me. Finally, in the winter of that year, I was sure that all this was not my illusion. My parents said they wanted me to go to a private middle school, which was a junior high school attached to a Catholic university. All students are required to live on campus. "There are no good middle schools around here. Although your parents are reluctant to let you leave home, you will come back during the holidays, and it will be better for your future to do so." The father was obviously making excuses, and the mother stayed in the kitchen washing dishes. I imagined that the two of them must have had such a discussion: it is really hard to see the child, why not send her away... Seeing that I was silent, my father quickly changed his words: "Of course, if you don't want to, Juzi, your parents won't force you. It must be very painful to be separated from your current friends. Dad just let you know that there are more choices. If you want to Going to middle school here, honestly, it doesn't matter." I thought for a while, looked at my mother's back and asked, "What does mom think?" "Hmm..." Mother didn't look back, and continued to wash the dishes, "It's not bad to go to the middle school here, but it's also great to study while living in a group life. You should encounter a lot of new things." I was sure my mother was in favor of my leaving home, so I decided on the spot. "Okay, I'm going to go to that middle school, and it should be fun to live with a group of people." I said to my father. "Really? Well, let's make that decision." Father nodded frequently, and put away the school brochure, "The days to come will be lonely." His sincere tone came from the heart. I turned to look at my mother, but she didn't say a word. During the period before entering school, my mother and I often went shopping. We bought replacement clothes, personal belongings and simple furniture. My mother chose everything for me very gently and caringly, and she would smile at me. Looking at such a mother , I suddenly felt that the estrangement between the two of us was just my carelessness, but at the same time I had this thought in my mind—she was just in a good mood, because I was leaving and I would never see her again. "Mom, will you be lonely if I go to live in school?" After shopping, we drank juice at the juice shop. Although I pretended to ask nonchalantly, I actually hesitated for a long time. "Of course it will be lonely." My mother replied immediately, but I saw a trace of hesitation in the depths of her eyes. I graduated from elementary school in March. On the 29th, I took a small bag and walked out of the house with my mother. The large luggage was sent to school in advance. We walked to the nearby station, the bus had already arrived, I got on the bus, and my mother walked around to the window. "Pay attention to your health and call home if you need anything." "Yeah." I nodded. After the bus started, my mother stayed there for a long time and watched me off.For a moment, I saw her hand that was waving towards me reach out to the corner of her eye. I guessed that she might be crying, but at that time her figure was too small for me to confirm it. The school is located on a gentle hill, and there are pastures, churches, and student dormitories on the campus.The dormitory is a wooden building, but the interior is not as old as imagined, and the air-conditioning equipment is also perfect.Junior high school students live in a four-person room with a curtain, which keeps a little bit of privacy.There are only three people living in our room. Besides me, there is a third-year senior named Haruko and a second-year senior named Suzue. Both seniors are very kind to me, which makes me feel at ease. . In this way, I started to live a life of getting up at 6:00 every day, doing gymnastics at 6:30, eating breakfast after praying at 7:00, and arriving at school at 8:00. Some of my classmates got homesick, but I was fine.The seniors in the same dormitory are very interesting. I am as happy as participating in extracurricular activities every day. Ranch work and hymn practice are also part of the schoolwork. All the courses fascinate me.Freshmen will receive a student diary. Every day before going to bed, they must write down what they have experienced that day, and hand it over to the dormitory supervisor, Sister Hosono, for review the next day. But I am often too tired from playing during the day, and fall asleep halfway through writing at night. At this time, Sister Hosono, who was not at all slender, would stare at me with her hands on her hips, and said in a very stern voice: "Be more careful in the future." It's a legend, but no one around me has ever seen her really get angry. After getting used to dormitory life, Haruko-senpai and Suzue-senpai would occasionally ask me about family matters, such as what kind of job my father does, or the appearance of my house, etc. When they heard that my father was a university professor, Suzue-senpai would ask Clasping hands as if in prayer, he said: "That's great, your father must be very smart. University teacher, ah, so exciting!" "Which subject does your father teach?" Senior Sister Chunzi asked. "I don't know too well, it seems to be related to biology and medicine." I am not very sure myself. Even though my answer was ambiguous, Suzue-senpai kept saying "That's great". Then the topic moved to the mother.At the beginning, senior sister's questions were very common, such as what kind of woman she is and what kind of cooking she is good at. Later, senior sister Suzue asked inadvertently: "Lingtang should look very similar to you, right?" Unexpectedly, I was stabbed by this unintentional question, and I was surprised even by myself.I burst into tears on the spot, Suzue-senpai was so frightened that I couldn't do anything, Haruko-senpai told me to go back to bed and rest, they seemed to think I was crying because I was homesick. The next night, I decided to tell the two seniors what was on my mind, because I didn't want them to think that I was a troublesome junior who needed to be taken care of. "She is your biological mother. There is no mother who hates her daughter." Suzue-senpai said firmly. "I hope so too, but..." I said, bowing my head. "Juzi, there are so many parents and children who don't look the same in the world." As expected of a third grader, Senior Chunzi said calmly, "It's unreasonable for Lingtang to avoid you for such a trivial matter. If Lingtang's attitude is really What’s wrong must be due to other reasons, and I think that reason absolutely, absolutely has nothing to do with you, Juzi.” "That's right, I think so too." Senior sister Suzue also nodded emphatically. "Should you go home during the summer vacation?" Sister Chunzi smiled and said, "After you go home, she will accept you gently, I assure you." I replied softly "Yeah". Later, as Sister Chunzi said, when I came home during the summer vacation, my parents seemed very happy. On the day I first got home, my father stayed in the living room and chatted with me, and during the time I went home, my father never brought home work. My mother took me to the street to buy clothes or some trinkets every day, and cooked my favorite dishes for dinner. She was very gentle to me throughout the summer vacation. But even so, I still can't let go of it. My mother's attitude made me feel that she was a bit reluctant, and even felt that she was taking care of other people's children. At the end of the summer vacation, I went back to the dormitory. As soon as Chunzi-senpai saw me, she immediately asked: "Your father and Lingtang are very gentle to you, right?" I can only answer "yes". The days of going back and forth between the classroom and the dormitory started again. I like this kind of life very much. There are sports festivals, cultural festivals and other regular activities in this season. There are new discoveries every day. Time passes between joy, anger, sorrow and joy. Although it makes me brood, thanks to the fulfillment of life, I don't have time to cranky. Time flies, and winter is coming soon. The season here is short in summer and long in winter, and it is winter vacation from the end of the year to the end of January.As soon as the winter vacation is over, for those of us first and second graders who are about to return home at the end of the year, the biggest issue is when and in what form should we hold a farewell party for our seniors. "There's no need to hold a special farewell party." Sister Chunzi said with a smile, "Anyway, you will be promoted to high school, and there will be many opportunities to meet in the future." "What should be done is what needs to be done." Senior sister Suzue said while packing her luggage for returning home: "However, it will not be too late to discuss these matters when we come back in February. I wish you two all the best during the winter vacation." She bowed as she spoke. bow. "You must be happy when you come back in February." Chunzi-senpai said to me. "Okay, I will definitely report back with a smile." I also nodded vigorously. However, I missed the appointment, because this winter, a nightmare-like tragedy happened to my family. That day was December 29th, and I don't think I will ever forget this date in my life. The happy reunion scene completely changed overnight. My parents were very excited to see me who hadn't been home for a long time.As usual, my father asked a lot of questions, how was the schoolwork, how was the dormitory life, how was the friend, how was the teacher... and so on. "Not bad." My answer was only such a short sentence. In fact, I felt a little sorry, but my father still squinted his eyes and nodded again and again, saying "that's good, that's good." My mother hasn't changed at all, and she doesn't talk much, but she takes good care of me. I can't tell whether it's because of her sincere love for her daughter, or whether she has a blueprint for a perfect mother in her heart, and she just acts according to the blueprint.However, there was an incident that left a deep impression on me at that time. I wanted to go to the kitchen to help my mother cook, but I saw my mother standing in front of the kitchen counter in a daze. Because I found something unusual on the floor at her feet. It was from her chin that the water dripped onto the wooden floor, and that's when I realized she was crying.This was the first time I saw an adult cry like this, and most importantly, her back gave off an unapproachable atmosphere. I didn't even dare to ask "Mom, what's the matter with you?" and tiptoed out of the kitchen. At the dinner table, my mother resumed her usual perfect smile, and served dishes made by herself on the table. That day, I ate Japanese dishes with seafood from the nearby port. After the meal, my mother brought out apple tea. While drinking tea, I talked about my goals and ambitions for the next year. Both my father and mother showed satisfied smiles.At least it seems to me so. Not long after, a strong drowsiness hit. At that time, I was watching TV on the sofa in the living room, and I didn’t see my father. Maybe he was in the study. My father seemed to say that he wanted to sleep just now. My mother was cleaning up the dishes in the kitchen, and I wanted to help, but she told me to just sit and rest. There is a two-hour series on TV, and there are actors I like in the drama. I really want to see the end, but my consciousness is getting more and more blurred.I looked at the clock and it was only 9:30 in the evening. Although I am used to the routine of the dormitory, it is not surprising that I feel drowsy at this time, but I always feel that something is wrong. It seems that the whole person will be sucked away. I wanted to stand up and drink a glass of water, but found that I couldn't move my body. Something seemed to be spinning in my head, and then I lost consciousness. I felt like my whole body was floating in the air, and I thought I was being hugged by someone, but I was so dazed that I couldn't tell if it was real or just a dream. I woke up with a cold touch on my cheek, and then the intense cold turned into pain. I wanted to turn over, but found that not only my cheek, but my whole body was cold, so I opened my eyes. The first thing that came into view was the night sky, with countless stars scattered in the dark sky, the surrounding scenery slowly came into view, and I found myself lying on the snow in my courtyard. I don't know why I'm here, I'm shivering and I'm wearing nothing but a sweater and jeans and no shoes. The next moment, there was a loud bang beside him. No, the simple loud noise is no longer enough to describe the explosion. As the ground shook, my body was also shaken. A ball of fire fell from the top of my head. I hugged my head and rolled up on the spot, and a hot wind passed over my back. I raised my face tremblingly, and there was an unbelievable scene in front of me. My home is burning.The home that was shrouded in the atmosphere of reunion just now is now engulfed in flames. I fled to the gate of the courtyard and looked back again. I could hardly open my eyes due to the dazzling huge flames, but the shadow swaying in the flames was indeed my house. Someone ran over shouting "Danger!", grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the yard. It was later learned that he was an old man who lived nearby.At that time, a large group of people came to help me, but I couldn't see any of them. I couldn't understand what happened. I stared blankly at the house I lived in since I was a child. The flames engulfed the whole house at an unimaginable speed. My favorite balcony collapsed, and the beige walls It was charred and black, and the windows of my room were spewing flames. I didn't realize it until I heard the fire engine honking, and for some reason, I didn't even realize it was a fire. I was crying and calling my parents, and someone beside me seemed to keep saying "don't worry, don't worry" to me, but I just kept crying until my voice became hoarse. The firefighters quickly rescued him and carried his father out in a short time.My father was lying on a stretcher, his hair and clothes were burnt, and there were bruises on his face. I ran to my father and asked without caring about his injuries, "Where's mom?" The father on the stretcher looked at me, his consciousness was very clear, and the injury did not seem to be as serious as it seemed. "Juzi?" My father moaned and said, "Your mother, she..." He only said these words, and until he was carried into the ambulance, my father didn't say anything, just stared at me sadly. The fire seemed to mock the powerlessness of human beings, and continued to burn violently. Then the police arrived and took me into the police car. I watched the firefighters put out the fire in the train, and gradually understood one thing. My house, but to prevent the fire from spreading to other houses. It was probably arranged by the police. I stayed at the neighbor’s house that night, but I just wanted to know if my mother was safe. The neighbor’s aunt kept telling me that I was fine and not to worry, but I knew it was just a verbal consolation.In this way, I spent a sleepless night. The next morning my uncle drove to pick me up. "Where are we going?" I asked, looking at my uncle in the driver's seat.My uncle likes skiing, and he usually looks young and energetic, but today he looked devastated, as if he was ten years older. "Go to the hospital to see Dad." "Where's mom?" Still staring straight ahead, the uncle said after a moment of silence, "I'll tell you about Mom when I get to the hospital." The question "Is mother dead?" was barely blurted out. I didn't close my eyes all night yesterday, thinking about this matter all over my head. Although I was mentally prepared, I still couldn't ask. On the way, we passed in front of my house that had been baptized by fire. My uncle probably drove into this road because he was not in the mood to drive.I looked carefully at the wreckage of my house, but it wasn't really a wreck anymore, because there was nothing there, just some black lumps, and the water sprinkled on the fire had frozen overnight, and now they were shining in the morning light. The father, whose head, left arm and foot are all bandaged, is in good spirits and can speak normally. He said he suffered only minor burns. After a while, my uncle left the ward. I don’t know whether he left voluntarily or my father had agreed with him in advance. Only my father and I were left in the ward. My father stared at me and said: "Your mother didn't have time to escape, she died." Perhaps because he was afraid that he would not be able to speak again if he stopped, his father spoke in a hurry, and then he seemed to let go of a big stone in his heart, and let out a light breath. I just nodded in silence, I was already mentally prepared, I had already cried all I should cry last night. However, I still couldn't suppress the emotions that kept coming up, a tear overflowed from the corner of my eye and slid down my cheek, and I started to cry loudly. Soon afterwards, the police and fire department personnel also came to the ward. From their conversations, I learned that when my mother was found at the scene of the fire, she was already a charred body. The father's testimony is roughly as follows: That day he worked in the study on the first floor until twelve o'clock in the evening. He felt thirsty and went to the kitchen to drink a glass of water. When he walked back to the living room, he noticed something was wrong. He smelled a strange smell, and immediately realized that it was gas, so Quickly opened the glass door leading to the courtyard: because he was worried about his daughter who was sleeping soundly on the sofa, he first carried her to the courtyard and then went back to the house to check the gas switch, but the switches in the living room and kitchen were both off. He thought it might be his wife using the gas stove in the bedroom on the second floor, and hurried up the stairs. When he reached the second floor, a big explosion happened. The impact of the explosion bounced him several meters away, and he rolled down the stairs. His surroundings instantly turned into a sea of ​​flames. At some point, his clothes started to burn. He got up and called his wife's name loudly, but his foot seemed to be injured, and every step he took was excruciatingly painful. Even so, he tried his best to climb up the stairs and headed for the dormitory. into the room. "Jinghui! Jump off the balcony!" He yelled, but his wife did not respond. He dragged his aching feet down the stairs. If he stayed here, he would definitely be burned to death. Now he can only pray that his wife has escaped. The first floor was also completely covered in flames, and it was only a short distance away from the outside, but he knew he couldn't get out, not to mention that he had almost lost feeling in his left foot. Desperate, he couldn't help but want to squat down and wait for death. At this moment, firefighters in fireproof suits rushed in from the other side of the flames. The mother used a gas heater in the airtight bedroom. The fire of the heater was extinguished due to incomplete combustion, causing gas to permeate the room. This is the conclusion of the police's preliminary research and judgment.The mother did not escape, and she may have lost consciousness from carbon monoxide poisoning. But the police have several doubts, the first is about the gas leakage alarm.There was an alarm on the first and second floors of the home, but both were unplugged. To this, the father replied: "It's embarrassing to say that we always unplug the alarm at home, because more and more home appliances are bought, and there are always not enough sockets..." Perhaps it is because of hearing such cases too often, the police just frowned and didn't say much. But the remaining two doubts cannot be explained.First, what was the cause of the fire?My mother didn't smoke, and it was impossible for her to smoke while she was unconscious due to gas poisoning. Second, the closed state of the bedroom.The gas heater will not burn completely, which means that the bedroom is completely sealed. Since it is completely sealed, why does the father on the first floor smell the gas? Regarding these two points, my father can only answer truthfully that he does not know. Of course, my father has no obligation to explain. It is normal for ordinary people to not understand the cause of the fire. But that night, another detective came to my father's ward. This detective had a face as rough as a rock, and I couldn't tell his age. "Little sister, can I ask you to go outside first?" The policeman's voice was creepy.As uncomfortable as it was to be seen as a hindrance, standing next to him was even more uncomfortable, so I walked out of the room in silence. When I came to the corridor, I leaned against the wall next to the door, knowing that I could hear the voice on the other side of the door clearly. "I don't understand what your wife was doing in the dormitory at that time?" After the criminal police asked the father to answer the question that he had asked many times before, he continued to ask: "It is unlikely that she was sleeping, right? Neither the husband nor the daughter Going to bed, but sleeping first by yourself is really unreasonable." "Yes, so I guess she should be taking off her makeup. She must take off her makeup every day before taking a bath." "Ah, that's how it is." I could imagine the detective nodding, "Does your wife often use a gas stove?" "Yes, every day." "Where is the gas stove in the bedroom?" "There are two beds in the room, and the gas heater is placed near the corner of the bed, just opposite to the balcony." "How long is the gas line?" "About three meters..." Then the criminal police asked in great detail about the details of the gas heater and the mother's habit of using the gas heater. These fathers have explained it during the day, but the criminal police seem to be suspicious of something. They think that asking the same question repeatedly like this can make the father reveal his flaws. , but my father didn't show any displeasure at all, and patiently gave the same answer over and over again. After almost finishing the questioning, the criminal policeman said again: "Is there anything unusual about your wife recently?" Perhaps this question was too abrupt, and my father froze for a moment. "What does abnormal mean?" "For example, is there anything you can't think of, or is there trouble in your heart?" "You mean my wife set fire to herself?" Father raised his voice. "We're just wondering if that's possible." "That's absolutely impossible." The father said firmly: "That day was the happiest reunion day for our family. My daughter usually lives in school, and it was rare to go home that day. My wife had been looking forward to it for a long time. She went out early in the morning to buy. Cooked the dishes my daughter likes, and the whole person was as excited as a child, how could such a happy person commit suicide?" Hearing my father's counterattack, the police officer fell silent, and I have no way of knowing whether the police officer nodded in agreement or looked suspicious. After being silent for a long time, the criminal policeman said softly, "You don't smoke?" "Me? Yes, no smoking." "Your wife doesn't smoke either?" "right." "Then why is there a lighter?" "what?" "A 100-yuan lighter fell next to the body." "It's impossible..., ah, wait..." The father, who had been answering fluently, was a little confused. "It shouldn't be surprising that she has a lighter at hand. Sometimes she has to burn garbage or fallen leaves." "But you shouldn't need a lighter before taking a shower, right?" "Maybe she usually puts the lighter on the dressing table?" "You're right, we also found the remains of the dresser next to the body." "That's right." Father regained his confidence, "It's just a coincidence, a pure coincidence." "maybe." I heard someone pull away the chair and leave the door in a hurry. After a while, the criminal police came out of the ward, and when they saw me, they came over smiling. "May I ask you a few questions?" I couldn't think of a reason for the refusal, so I just nodded. I answered the detective's questions in the waiting room, the same content as my father had just been asked.I thought to myself, if I told about my mother crying in the kitchen, the criminal policeman would be so happy, but of course I answered this way: my mother looked very happy when she saw me coming home from vacation... The detective showed an elusive smile, patted my shoulder and left. It seems that my father was interrogated several times later, but I don't know the details, because I was placed at my grandmother's house during that time, but the police finally came to the same conclusion as their original judgment, that this was an incomplete gas furnace. Fire caused by burning. After my father was discharged from the hospital, relatives held a simple funeral for my mother in a low-key manner. It was at the end of January in the freezing weather. I went back to the school dormitory in February, and everyone was very gentle to me. Sister Hosono specially prayed for me in the church—I hope this child will not suffer like that in the future... His father rented an apartment and began to live alone. His left foot was injured in the fire and he had some mobility problems, but he believed that at least he should take care of his own daily life, cooking, cleaning, and washing clothes without the hands of others.From then on, whenever the school was on vacation, I would not return to my old home where I was used to, but to my father’s small and dirty apartment. But I occasionally go back to the fire site, which was abandoned for a while before being converted into a parking lot when I was in high school. No matter how many years have passed, I will never forget what happened that night. Several incomprehensible doubts gradually condensed into a huge question in my heart, which was deeply imprinted in my mind. ——Why did the mother commit suicide? The analysis of the police and fire brigade is not important to me. My mother will never use the gas heater in a closed room for a long time, nor will she cut off the power to the gas leak alarm. Mother's death must have been a suicide, and she had intended to take my father and me to be buried with her.I thought of the sudden strong sleepiness that night, and couldn't help but wonder about the apple tea that my mother brought out after the meal. Who can guarantee that there are no sleeping pills in the tea?My mother planned to put my father and me to sleep, fill the whole house with gas, and set it on fire. The question is why would she do it?I don't understand this, and why did she avoid me before? The only thing I can be sure of is that my father knew all the truth, so he would hide the fact that his mother committed suicide from the police. But my father didn't mention a word to me. Even if I occasionally talked about my mother, he would just say this with a blank face: "Bury the sad things in your heart and don't mention them again." In this way, more than five years have passed.