Chapter 9 Chapter nine

John Crystal came out of the chestnut grove and stepped up the green slope in front of the house.There was a moon in the sky, and the house was bathed in moonlight, which gave a strange purity to the drawn windows.He looked down at his watch. It's already three o'clock.He took a deep breath, his face full of anxiety and uneasiness.He would no longer be, even in the distant past, a twenty-four-year-old in love.He was a shrewd, practical man in his late forties.In addition, his mind is clear and his career is smooth sailing. He had been a fool.Of course, a complete and complete fool, but he has no regrets about it!He realized now that he was the complete master.For many years he had trudged on with a burden -- and now that burden was gone.He is free.

He was free and he was himself again.For John Crystal, the Harley Street success specialist, Veronica Clay would mean nothing.All of that is in the past - because the dispute was never resolved, because he always suffered in humiliation, because he was afraid that he had "run away", so the image of Veronica never completely left he.She came out of her dream tonight and came to his side.He had accepted that dream, and now, thank God, he was freed from it forever.He's back in the present—it's three o'clock in the morning, and he's messed things up pretty badly. He stayed with Veronica for three hours.She came in like a fast escort, broke him out of that circle, and carried him off like a trophy.He now wonders what people thought at the time.

For example, what would Gerda think? And Henrietta? (But he didn't pay much attention to Henrietta. He felt that he could explain to Henrietta if necessary. But he could never explain to Gerda.) To be sure, he didn't want to lose anything. He had been a man who had taken risks in all the life he had lived.Risk for patients, risk for cures, risk for investments.There was never a singular adventure—just one that just passed the edge of safety. If Gerda guessed—if Gerda had even a hint of doubt... will she?How much did he really know about Gerda?Normally, Gerda would have believed that white was black if he had told her so.But for a thing like this...

What did he look like as he trailed Veronica's tall, triumphant frame out?What does his face show?Did they see the face of a dazed, lovesick boy?Or maybe they just noticed a man doing his ceremonial duty?He didn't know, he didn't know at all. But he was worried--worrying about the comfort and order and safety of his life.He had been mad—what madness, he thought with despair—and found solace in the thought.Surely no one would think he was that crazy? Everyone was asleep in their beds, and there was no doubt that the French window in the living room was ajar for him.He looked up again at the pure, sleeping house.It looks a little too pure.

Suddenly he was startled.He heard, or maybe he imagined he heard, the slight slam of the door. He turned his head sharply.If someone walks to the pool, follow him from there.If someone had been waiting for him and followed him back, that person might have taken an elevated path and returned to the house by the garden gate, which might have made the sound he had heard when it was gently closed. He looked up sharply at the window.Could the curtain be moving, or pulled back for someone to look out, and jump in?Henrietta's room. Henrietta!Not Henrietta, his heart screamed in a sudden pang.I can't lose Henrietta!

He wanted to suddenly throw a handful of pebbles at her window and yell at her. "Come out, my dear love. Come out to me now, and walk with me through the woods to Shaffle Heights, and listen there--listen to everything I know about myself that you You should know, too, if you don't already know." He wanted to say to Henrietta: "I'm starting over. From this day on, a new life begins. The things that broke and held me back in my life are gone. You were right this afternoon when you asked me if I was running from myself ...that's what I've been doing all these years. Because I never knew whether it was courage or cowardice that took me away from Veronica. I was afraid of myself, afraid of life, afraid of you."

If he woke Henrietta now, let her go out with him--through the woods to a place where they could watch the sun rise over the edge of the world together. "You're crazy," he said to himself, shaking.It's cold now, it's the end of September after all. "What's wrong with you?" he asked himself. "You've been acting pretty crazy all night. You're very lucky if you can get away with that!" What on earth would Gerda think if he stayed out all night? What would the Angkatells think about that? But soon it didn't bother him anymore.The members of the Angkatel family seem to regard Lucy Angkatel as Greenwich Mean Time.And for Lucy Angkatell, the unusual always seemed perfectly reasonable.

But Gerda, she wasn't an Angkatel. He's going to have to deal with Gerda, and he'd better get in there and deal with Gerda as fast as he can. What if it was Gerda who followed him this evening? It's no good assuming that people aren't doing such things.As a doctor, he knows all too well that only high-minded, sensitive, critical, respectable people do it regularly.They eavesdrop at doors, open letters, spy, spy—not because they approve of such behavior, but because they despair before the absolute necessity of human misery. Poor people, he thought, poor suffering people.John Crystal knows a lot about human suffering.He doesn't have much pity for the vulnerable, but he sympathizes with those who are in constant pain.Because he knows that people who suffer a lot are strong.

If Gerda understood— Nonsense, he said to himself, how could it be her?She went to bed early and fell asleep quickly.She has no imagination, never has. He stepped in through the French windows, pulled on a light, and closed and locked the windows.Quickly up the stairs.He stood for a moment in front of the bedroom door, put his hand on the doorknob, turned it, and walked in. The room was dark, and he could hear Gerda's even breathing.When he went in and closed the door, she moved and her voice drifted away, indistinct and sleepy. "Is that you, John?" "yes." "It's not too late, is it? What time is it?"

He said lightly: "I don't know. Sorry to wake you up. I had to go in with that woman and have a drink." He tried his best to sound tired and sleepy. Gerda muttered: "Oh? Good night, John." There was a rustling sound as she rolled over on the bed. very good!As usual, he was lucky.As usual—immediately the thought calmed him down, and he thought of how often his luck visited!Every now and again at that moment he holds his breath and says, "If this ever gets worse," things never get worse!But one day, for sure, his luck will change. He quickly undressed and climbed into bed.That kid's fortune-telling is so interesting. "Now this one is on top of your head and has control over you..." Veronica!She was controlling him all the time.

"But never again, my girl," he thought with a kind of cruel satisfaction. "All of that is over. I'm leaving you now!"