Chapter 5 Chapter Four

Who would have thought that I would spend a week in Central Park in Port Zeeland?I can explain it flawlessly to everyone, to myself, and it's not a problem.Can you understand the logic of our present inescapability? 1.Traveling too far was risky for Carmen, who still had a lot of chemotherapy drugs in her system. 2.All destinations with temperatures above 25 degrees were out of the question because of Carmen's wig. 3.Hands-on, walk-in, outings or class holidays were excluded because of Luna's age (1 year old) and Carmen's condition (none). 4.Central Park is a client of MIU, so I can claim that our vacation is also a field trip along the way.

Also, I'm going to Miami with my friends in a month, so I figured I should be able to handle a week in Port Zeeland. wrong.Port Zeeland is not good.Everything was a let down.The people here are driving me nuts, the weather is so nice, so too hot for a barbed wig, Carmen is also barbed like her wig, and even Luna won't cooperate, won't take a nap during the day, and in the afternoon I feel tired and make the whole family unable to enjoy themselves. To top it all off, Carmen has to call Dr. Shetema within three days to see if her breasts are actually going to be removed, which doesn't help the vacation.But that's how it is.

Dr. Shetema, the radiologist and Dr. Walters agreed that the blistering and necrosis of the skin on Carmen's chest was a good thing for her. It was like a forest fire. After burning all the trees, the entire forest can be rebuilt Well, they felt the same way about Carmen's boob treatment.Chemotherapy has made the tumor smaller, and I hope that the subsequent radiation therapy can further shrink the tumor and reduce the risk of surgery, so that it can be safely removed. Shetema said Carmen's large breasts were an advantage.Then with a mastectomy, there is a greater chance of eventually removing the tumor completely because it started in the nipple.

Three days later, on Thursday morning, the Schetma-Walters team with radiation therapists and surgeons announced the results. Not only the medical community in Amsterdam, but all of our friends and family are very concerned about this wide-ranging discussion about my wife's breasts.Everyone was hoping the doctor would give the green light to this surgery (no one called it a mastectomy). "What's the situation? Is there any chance they'll operate on Carmen?" "yes--" "But—that's a good sign, isn't it?" "Yeah, basically, because at first they weren't willing to take the risk and now they might be, so it should be, and that's a good sign."

"Oh, great! It's going to be nice, isn't it?" enough!God, how good it would be, at least Carmen would be relieved not to have to entertain herself with some weird jokes.Before, when I came out of the bathroom, she was lying naked on the bed with a smile on her face, and she had two small yellow stickers on her nipples, one that said "full and beautiful" and the other that said "The end is unknown." And then there is me, what a comfort I shall be! Besides her boobs, though, there's also something else that gets removed—she's become a bit less talkative, which started when Carmen lost her hair.Don't ask me why, but since she's completely bald, she doesn't feel attractive anymore.Although I keep stressing that she is just as beautiful even without hair.In fact, to celebrate her baldness, I shaved off what little pubic hair she had left from chemotherapy and told her under the covers how nice her pussy looked like.It thrilled Carmen, too—at least on the first night.

After surgery I will continue to tell her how beautiful she is and how attractive she is to me, every time she looks in the mirror. Carmen was terrified of losing her breasts, and I was terrified of losing the Carmen I knew.I was alone anxious and afraid to tell anyone.Maybe I value Carmen's breasts more than her life? Carmen and I hardly discuss the looming surgery.We all know what's going on in our minds when we're eating clams in a restaurant in Port Zeeland, when we're lying on the beach, and when we're watching "David Letterman" in our villa at night.Every minute, all we think about are breasts.While sleeping, dreams are also about breasts.We both knew the other did the same, but neither said anything.

We were in bed the night before the call to the hospital.I kissed Carmen and lay down on my side. "Do you want to turn off the lights?" "Okay, close it." "Goodnight, my love." "Good night, baby." turn off the lights. A few minutes passed. "Danny?" "Ok?" "Are you sleepy?" "No." "Oh." "What's the matter?" "What do you think they'll say tomorrow?" "I don't know, dear." "What do you want?" "Well, I hope they risk surgery."

"But you're a breast man, Dan. Soon you'll have a bald, one-breast wife." I turned over and hugged her tightly. "I hope they risk surgery, Carmen." "real?" "real." I felt a tear fall on my shoulder. "What do you want them to say tomorrow?" "I wish I could have surgery." "That's good." "But it's bad, isn't it?" "—" "Danny?" "It's—bad, dear. But I'd rather you have one breast than lose you." At noon the next day, we lay on the beach.I look at Carmen now and then, but I dare not ask her if we should call right away.

"I'm going back to the villa and calling them," she said. "Would you rather just call here?" I asked, pointing to my phone. She shook her head. "No. I want to hear what Shetma said. It's too windy here." Of course she wouldn't want to call here, idiot, I thought.Sitting on a beautiful beach surrounded by people and hearing you're about to lose your tits. "Shall we go back to the villa together?" I asked. "No. I want to go by myself. You and Luna stay here." She left the beach in a dress over a bikini. I watched her until she reached the edge of the forest and disappeared from my sight.

By the time she came back it was about forty-five minutes, and Luna and I were having so much fun, it was like waiting outside the delivery room for my wife to give birth. "Hi." Suddenly, I heard a voice behind me. "Hi!" I said, trying to read what Shetma said from the expression on her face. "They don't know yet." "They don't know yet?" "Yes. Shetema said the surgeon wanted to examine my breasts before deciding whether to take the risk." "God," I sigh, "when is he checking?" "Next week. I have an appointment with him for next Monday."

Another four days of waiting. "Well, why so long? You've been gone for forty-five minutes." "Shetma went to lunch." we will move on in a ditch without light move on again Ramses Shaffy, from Wij zullen doorgaan (Wij zullen doorgaan, 1972) The surgeon's name was Junkerman.His office is next door to Walters'.It belongs to the oncology department, and I know from Carmen's eyes that she appreciates him. "Peeper?" I whispered in her ear, and she nodded enthusiastically. "If he touches your tits, I'll show him," I whispered, and Carmen laughed. Junkerman was the kind of doctor who would have a hospital affair. He was about forty years old, with a baby face, hair down to his collar, and graying temples.Put him on a Paul Smith coat and he'd look like an ad agency accountant.He understood our situation better than Shetma and Walters, who were about 15 years his senior.He probably had a wife of Carmen's age - judging from his appearance - she must have been very beautiful.This creates a connection between us. But he's still a doctor.As soon as he opened Carmen's case file - now I can recognize it from the outside - he mistook Carmen for C?He chose his words carefully, explaining that he would perform the operation if he could be sure it would greatly improve Carmen's chances of survival. "You're a beautiful lady, after the excision—" We stared at him incomprehensibly. "—that's, uh, mastectomy, after the mastectomy, yes, there's going to be some kind of scar, about ten centimeters, where your breasts are now, horizontally."—No, we don't like that, we really No—"—then maybe we could have breast implants, but not like this." He paused for a moment, looking directly into Carmen's eyes. "It's going to be a little misshapen." Deformed?His words shocked me, but I realized he was being so direct on purpose.He wondered if Carmen was ready.Junkerman was the first doctor to understand that a breast was more than just a bump to a young woman and her husband (Carmen's bump had a lump in it). "Come check your boobs?" Carmen took off her blouse and bra and went to lie down on the narrow couch in the consulting room.Junkerman began to slowly press Carmen's chest with his hands.Carmen winks at me and I smile. "Well—" he said after a moment, "all right. Put on your clothes." He washed his hands. "The tumor is now six by two centimeters." "So--?" Carmen dared not finish her question. "I think we have to stabilize your condition before we can operate." Carmen showed no emotion, but I could tell it was a big blow.Junkerman continued: "Tumor removal can be done in the third week of October." He said, glancing at the blotter on the wall, "I'm on vacation myself, which means Dr. Walters will be Perform surgery." The name Walters and the word surgery were enough to make Carmen burst into tears. "I don't want to do this." I said coldly. "Why?" Junkerman asked, taken aback.I knew from his face that he knew nothing about it.That great bumpkin.Walters and Shetma kept it a secret. "Walters made a mistake in diagnosing my wife a year ago, and that's why we're here now, and we don't want him to be involved again." Carmen sobbed and stared at the floor.Junkermann quickly resumed his professional demeanor. "Okay. Then I'll operate on you, one week later." He said without asking any more questions. Carmen nodded and said in a barely audible voice, "That's fine—thanks." "My assistant will arrange a specific date for you." Surgery is scheduled for Thursday, October 31st. It's day four of my trip to Miami, and alas, cancer be damned, it looks like I'm giving up on my annual vacation plans. On the street I can talk what I want On the street I don't feel sad and blue On the street I'm never alone On the street I'm in the crowd I feel at home Bruce Springsteen, from Out in the Streets (The River, 1980) 26 Miami is really a paradise on earth. Yes, that's right, I'm there!Ocean Drive.Miami Beach.Florida. In the taxi, Hakan, Ramon and I couldn't help but keep turning our heads to look at the beautiful girls outside.Even Frank agreed, it was a very large candy jar, in all colours. Carmen brought up the subject herself. "You can go with your friends while it's still possible. I will have an operation later, and I will really need your care after the operation." She said.I jumped up happily.The next day I bought all the roses from the flower stand opposite the Olympic Stadium, and Carmen was so moved that she asked me if I wanted to go out for a week every month. We got off at the entrance of the hotel, which is mint green.The one next to it is pink, and the one beyond is light blue.A gray-blonde waitress wearing a white V-neck Diesel T-shirt, with a huge siren hanging, jumped over.She saw me staring at her and smiled and said, "Hi." "Hi." I replied. There was a Puerto Rican girl sitting at the reception desk.God!You can't find this kind of beauty in a hotel in Holland. "God, you've been so kind to me," Ramon stammered.The girl smiled, showed her teeth, and gave us the key.I feel exactly the same way I did twenty years ago, when I first went to Eulante del Mar in Spain. Frank figured that Ramon and I both had nightlife habits, so put us in a room.The one for us was called "The Best Whorehouse," and the one for Frank and Hakan was called "I'm Tarzan, You're Empty."The room is not big, but the decoration inside is very trendy.We went back to our rooms to take a shower and change our clothes, and half an hour later we went downstairs to meet in the lobby.Frank has reserved a table in Delano, apparently expecting you to be there on time. Also dress appropriately.I realized this when I saw Frank and Hakan.Frank was wearing a black pinstripe jacket and was proud to name it—a Japanese brand I had never heard of.He casually said he bought it on Madison Avenue in Manhattan.Hakan said it was beautiful, but he thought another brand of jacket—I hadn’t heard of it, and he happened to be wearing the same brand of shirt and shoes himself this evening—better.Apparently, I'm still the old snakeskin shoes.My white pants and purple shirt weren't in the same price bracket as Frank's, but I thought I was cool enough to test my marketability among Miami's women.Ramon was wearing a tight shirt and black leather pants, which really suited him.After dinner, under the palm trees surrounding the Delano pool, we had our first meaningful discussion. Delano, pronounced as Dirano, certainly not as Delano like me, is more expensive than Gannet Hotel.That's because it's a hotel owned by Ian Schrager, Hakan told me.His tone was full of admiration, and I didn't dare to ask him who Ian Schrager was.Delano customers include Ocean Drive realtors, advertising people, and shopping mall groups.No one laughed.Delano's food, cocktails, decor, and women are prohibitively expensive.But money doesn't matter this weekend, we've made up our minds. Can the Netherlands become European football champions? (me: yes. Ramon and Hakan: no. Frank: no idea); how is MIU now (Frank: great! me: ok); who had sex with Sharon when we were in benive (Me: Me. Ramon: Of course! Hakan: Just a blowjob. Frank: Fuck off!); Is the St. Martinsland Hotel in London more hippie than Delano (Me: No idea. Ramon: No idea .Frank: No. Hakan: Yes); Shall we take the ecstasy that Ramon brought tonight (Me: Yes! Ramon: Really? I thought you wouldn't? Eat one. Hakan: Not tonight. Frank: Of course not).Ramon gave me a pill and I was a little nervous.All my life so far, I've only drank alcohol.Carmen is against anything to do with drugs.I swallowed the pill with a sip of beer.Frank looked at me and shook his head. We went to Washington Avenue, on the Ocean Drive side.It was the biggest concentration of beach clubs and discotheques in Miami, or so Frank said, and he always knew about such things.How he knew it I have no idea, but he just knew it.We seem to be going to the Chaos Bar, where anything goes (according to Frank).Hakan muttered about making a reservation, saying he'd heard from the Delano bartender that Washington Street was outdated and that we should go to the Tantra Club, which was in another part of the city.Ramon and I waved our hands against Hakan's protest, and we were already delighted to see a lot of beautiful girls lined up outside the Chaos Bar.There was a burly man with arms crossed standing at the door of the nightclub, but Ramon and I both wanted to go in, and he even wanted to jump in line. Roxy.Formerly Roxy, Marco van Basten found solace at the club after a serious injury (third degree burns) forced him to retire from Ajax early on.Thus, like Marco, Roxy has earned prestige.I've heard a lot about Roxy but never been, I miss Roxy.Carmen had no interest in it, and neither did I, but I must admit my interest was piqued when even Frank raved about the beauty of the girls there.Ramón went three times a week, he and I went to Roxy after Leidseplein, and I went to Paradiso, dancing to black melancholy and ugly women.It's too late now, and I can only make amends from the story of Ramon and Frank. The burly man at the door saw that Ramon wanted to jump in line, and pointed to the line behind, asking us to line up obediently from the back, but I was worried that when we got there, would he let us in? Finally, when we got to the door half an hour later, we were stopped. "There are four of you?" "yes." "That's sorry, no." Ramon wanted to do it, but he dismissed the idea when he realized that he might not be able to fight.I can't laugh, I want to go in, and if I have to stand in line for another five minutes, I'm going to have a fit like Luna's storybook tiger.Next to the Chaos bar is the Liquid bar.Frank remembers that when we came in the taxi, there were only five people waiting outside, and now the line outside is like the canal outside the arena.Hold.Omg, that ecstasy pill is starting to work.Hakan tried to convince us to take a taxi to Tantra.We didn't answer and continued walking down Washington Avenue.Hakan protested every time he passed the club.Too many people, not enough people, looks like not many people, looks bad, etc.Fortunately, Frank threatened to go back if we didn't go in at the next one.Finally, I arrived at a store with no queues - Roxy. "Roxy?" "Yes, friend! In Amsterdam." "The house is huge. Every Thursday." "Every Thursday?" "Yes, I was there for five hours last week." "yes?" "Didn't Roxy burn out a while ago?" silence. "Ha, come in, you bastards." Even Ramon didn't speak.We obediently paid the entrance fee of $20 per person, which is not too expensive in Miami.A bad sign.A group of four of us could all go in which is also a bad sign. We straighten our shirt collars in the bathroom, look at our haircuts sideways, high-five each other and say "Yo!"There were nine people inside.Including ourselves. Hakam started complaining immediately, Ramon swept over to the two girls sitting at the bar, I walked over to the dance board by myself, and Frank stomped back to find the girl at the box office.There will be more people in half an hour, he came back and told us. He was right.Half an hour later there were thirteen people.Hakam started to press to get out of this miserable place, Frank said jet lag was starting to make him feel tired, it didn't bother me and Ramon, we were excited to the max. The lights at the Rave Bar went out around seven in the morning, Ramon and a girl left, and I walked back from Washington Avenue to Ocean Drive, completely drenched in sweat and grinning from ear to ear.I was excited for nearly thirty hours.I had a fantastic night, I didn't cheat and I was about $400 short.Well, never mind him.I took a can of beer from the miniature liquor cabinet, fell on the bed, and started masturbating.Fragments of me having sex with Sharon, Mulder, and Carmen alternated in my head a year earlier.Before I knew it, I fell asleep. you think i'm strong you are wrong Robbie Williams, from Strong (The Ego Has Landed, 1999) I woke up again an hour and a half later.fully awake.For me, the day starts too quickly. Ramon hasn't returned yet.I picked up the phone and dialed Thomas and Annie, who had Carmen at their house this weekend. "I'm Anne." "Hi, Annie, I'm Danny!" I exclaimed enthusiastically. "Oh, hi Dan, I've got Carmen on the phone," Annie said, less enthusiastically than I did.Did I wake her up? No, it's noon in Holland. "Hi," Carmen said.I feel like we're a little rusty but I act like I don't notice anything and say the hotels here are totally crazy with music playing all the time and even the restrooms lol I told her about Delano After dinner, about going to the club at night, I said that I am tired now.She barely responded. I asked her how she was at Thomas and Anne's, and she whispered in a tone I had never heard before, that they were at home, very cozy, and they were chatting happily.For a moment, I wondered if I had made the wrong call. Unable to take it anymore, I asked her what happened, did I say or do something wrong.I heard her ask Thomas if she could borrow their bedroom phone.There was a moment of silence.Then I heard an answer, and she came back, "I feel bad, Dan," she said, sniffling, "I found out that it's a lot harder than I thought—you're out there with a bunch of sexy women Together, they all have huge breasts, and I'm sitting here, bald, with one breast burned—" I said I really didn't know what to say, I wasn't messing around with any girls. "You talk like it's an achievement," she said angrily.I heard a sigh.Then, in a slightly calmer tone, she said, "Leave me alone for a while, it'll be all right, have fun, and say hello to Frank for me." She sounded nonchalant.I say I love her and say hello to Thomas and Annie.She was silent for a while. "I don't know if that's a good idea, Dan," she said, and hung up. Downstairs, Hakan and Frank were already eating breakfast on the terrace in their swimming trunks.I sat down too, had breakfast together, and then went to the beach.There we meet Ramon and see his enviably athletic body.With a big smile on his face, he told us that he had spent the night and morning having fun with his booty and didn't sleep a minute. On the beach, Frank was reading Wallpaper, a magazine I'd never heard of.There are a lot of things in the magazine that I recognize in his high-rise apartment.Hakan, Ramon and I were talking about the most important things in life.Should Ajax continue to stick to the 4-4-3 formation, what percentage of women are easy to bait, and what percentage of men and women are unfaithful.I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.Then Ramon brought up the topic of how often to have sex with his wife.Hakan said four times a week, Ramon said six times (Hakan said, "No, just count the number of times you have sex with your own wife!").Before it was my turn, I said I needed to take a pee, budgeted for a bath in the sea, and avoided the problem. "Danny, would you like to go for a drink?" Frank asked me when we got back to the Gannet Hotel.Ramon and Hakan are sleeping.Frank ordered two margaritas from our favorite waitress. "It's not your style to run away when it's your turn." As the waitress bent over to set down our margaritas, I watched the curve of her chest. "I didn't come all the way to Miami to talk about cancer." "I can see that. Have you called Carmen since you came here?" "This morning," I sighed, "she wasn't happy. Anne certainly wasn't." "I'm not surprised," Frank replied. "Annie thinks it's ridiculous that you go to Miami like nothing happened, and Thomas thinks the same. He can't understand why you're not worried, why you feel okay." "God!" I exclaimed, "I'm not all right!" Frank put his hands on my shoulders. "You don't have to explain to me." I had a sudden urge to vent, and I told Frank how much I couldn't stand it, that Carmen and I couldn't go out for drinks, or go out to dinner, or have sex.He nods. "Can you imagine what it's going to be like when she's had her mastectomy, Frank?" I continued. "Even if the cancer is gone, Carmen won't be the same again. I think we'll soon—" He grabbed my hand and we looked at each other and I saw tears in his eyes.We didn't talk anymore.This is Miami at its best. We clinked glasses and took a sip of our second margarita, served at the behest of our favorite waitress without asking for it. "She's beautiful, but Carmen's breasts are bigger," I said as the waitress wobbled up the stairs from the landing. "At least, she still has—" Frank drank his margarita. i will go home on monday around noon Please do not get angry The Little River band, from Home on a Monday (Diamantina Cocktail, 1977) Thanks to the folks at the Gannet Hotel we got a table at Tantra.This is a Turkish restaurant and Turkish food is very hippie in Miami, that's what we heard from the bartender at the Gannet Hotel.Hakan was very proud. Tantra looked like a great place for a night out after dinner.Roger Sanchez was telling a story, Hakan announced happily.Frank was equally enthusiastic, a man I had never heard of, I knew DJ as much as Clarence Seedorf knew penalties.Gotta admit, the food at Tantra was great and so was Roger Sanchez.All the women here are great too.The ecstasy is working, I am even more relaxed than yesterday, I tell them how good I feel, we should come out like this every year, next year we can go to Barcelona or New York.No, go to Tel Aviv, Hakan says, it's the hippest place.No, go to Rio, Ramon said.Yes, Rio, I said.And then we say we love each other and we want to share thick and thin.Then Ramon said he had a date with the girl from yesterday and was leaving.Frank glared at him.I spotted a buxom girl in a very thin black blouse, and after exchanging three pleasant glances with her, I stood up.She wears a black bra (C cup) under her black top. "Hi, what's your name?" I asked, the corny opening line. "My name is Linda, what about you?" "Dan," I replied, suddenly realizing that I had nothing to say to her, I couldn't imagine what I should say to such a little girl. "Where are you from?" she asked.Oh yes, these kinds of questions. "Amsterdam." "My sister has been there! She says Denmark is a wonderful country." "Yeah, yeah—" I agreed, ashamed of myself that they didn't hear our conversation.But I don't think anything of it, and I daresay such evening wisdom would have little place. "Where are you from?" I asked.Why am I trying to keep talking? "North Carolina. But I moved to Florida this summer. I love the weather and the beach." "Oh, yes!" I replied.what am i doing here Suddenly she grabbed my neck and kissed my lips. right.That's what I'm here to do.Now I remember.I hugged her tightly.She has a strong body.Her friend winked enviously.Passed the first pass.I really don't know if she'll get past Hakan and Frank, so I quickly push her into the corner.During this time I discovered that she had a huge butt that would take a whole weekend of rest to get around.As soon as I was out of sight, I started touching her, sliding my hands over her extremely thin black top.She broke free from my arms, saying she wasn't very slim.You're not kidding, I thought to myself, but I said I don't like skinny women and I pinched her ass. She giggled awkwardly.Then I grabbed her hand, put her palm to her mouth and started licking.When she realized my intentions, she started giggling. "You're nasty," she said, shaking her head. "Thank you." I said.it's time. "Are you married?" she asked me in the taxi on the way back to the Gannet Hotel. "No," I said, putting my wedding-ringed hand behind her, and I stuck my tongue in her mouth, afraid to lose interest.At the same time, I twisted my hand behind her back until I took the wedding ring off my finger and put it in my pants pocket. In the elevator, I unbuttoned her blouse and pulled the bra over her breasts.Linda's nipples are big and I like them.Linda is a wild woman, just what I like.She took off my pants, knelt in front of me and began to help me ###, at this moment, the elevator door opened, Frank was standing outside the elevator, Linda noticed my unnatural reaction, looked up and found Frank, Blush like a chili pepper.I hurriedly put on my pants clumsily. "Linda, Frank. Frank, Linda." "Hi, Linda," Frank said, his eyes fixed on Linda's chest. "Hi, Frank," Linda said, buttoning up her sheer blouse. "Then. That's all." I said quickly. "See you tomorrow, Frank!" Frank nodded. "Bye, Frank," Linda said. "Bye, um—" "Linda." "Bye, Linda." I walked down the corridor on Linda's arm, and I felt Frank watching us from behind.I took out my key card and opened the door, and we fucked like crazy all night long. The sound of Ramon's return woke me up, and I looked around me nervously, phew, Linda was gone.Ramon would have laughed so hard at fat Linda with me.He sat up on the bed with a thud, and Ramon was so tired that he fell asleep without feeling wet.I can not sleep.Got up, picked up the pants from the ground, and touched the left pocket.It was like getting an electric shock.The ring is gone.Right pocket, no.I started to break out in a cold sweat.No back pockets either.I lay down on the ground and searched under the bed and under the radiator.Ramon woke up and asked what I was doing.I said I was looking for contact lenses.He fell asleep again.I went to look at the pockets of my trousers again, and rummaged through them again and again.Nightstand drawers.bathroom.nowhere.Hold.Think, Danny, think.Might have lost it somewhere - the woman! Linda!That cow stole my ring!Oh my god!Oh no, Carmen— I got down on the ground again and looked at the floor.Then I got up and lay down on the bed.It's over, and Carmen will never forgive me.I suddenly wanted to kill myself, but there was no need, because Carmen would kill me anyway.I lost my wedding ring.I can't get past this. Downstairs, Hakan and Frank were already having breakfast on the terrace. "Going to bed late?" Hakan asked. "I won't be able to find you anytime soon." It's nothing compared to what I've lost, I thought. "Uh-uh-" I said, apparently Frank hadn't told us about the scene in the elevator. Frank looked at me teasingly.I really like this guy.Ramon went downstairs and told us in more detail what he and his girlfriend had been up to last night.Everyone laughed.I also joined in laughing, but I actually wanted to cry.What could be worse than this?Ramon cheated on a friend and disappeared all weekend because he would rather sleep with some slut, I cheated on my wife and took off my wedding ring for fear of losing the chance to fuck another slut. In the final hours before the airport, I listlessly followed Hakan, Frank, and Ramon as they wanted to go to the beach.We lay down on the sand.Ramon and Hakan talk about cars, Frank reads men's magazines, I look at the ocean and feel like I'm going to cry at any moment. "I'm going for a walk." Ramon nodded, Hakan continued talking, and Frank didn't look up from the magazine.Is even Frank wiser than me?Maybe yes, but that doesn't matter anymore.I do not want to talk.A hundred yards ahead, I glanced back to see if they could still see me.Sitting on the hot sand, I felt like the loneliest and most pitiful man in the world.Three days of laughing with them was almost over, the booze and ecstasy had gotten away from me, I'd been cheated on by a woman who used to make me happy, and would come home to a family war over a missing ring.I looked down and saw tears dripping from between my legs into the sand. We say goodbye at Scipore Airport.I broke out in a cold sweat in the taxi, and in ten minutes, I will be home.What should I say?Did you take it off when you went into the sea?Or was it removed when the disco went through the metal detector?The taxi got off the highway at the interchange.There are still a few minutes.Fortunately, the red light.or i could say- I get a text message.Frank cell phone. Touch the left pocket of your jacket. I touched it immediately.No.Another text message. I mean the right pocket. I quickly touched the other pocket.Got it - yes!my ring!my ring!My own lovely beautiful wonderful wedding ring. Another text message came. Found in the elevator of the Gannet Hotel.Dan, Dan—stop it.Good luck today. X. girl they screwed us over, sir they drive us crazy girls really do Raymond vant Groenewoud, from Meisjes (Nooit meer drinken, 1977) I don't know if women are really as intuitive as men sometimes fear.When I got home, Carmen didn't even casually ask me if I had been unfaithful.Instead, she apologized for being bad on the phone. I did confess.About Sharon. Sharon is the receptionist at Bonneville.Blonde, very provocative, and her tits are truly magnificent. D cup, deep cleavage.I've been dying to see those big tits in person since day one.Sharon is okay with that.Sharon never had a problem with that.Even with Ramon.Or Hakan, I just know.我又凭什么妄加评判呢？ 我够蠢的，把一个不认识的电话号码写在记事本上，那天晚上我和“一个客户出去”。一个初犯者的错误。卡门第二天就拨了这个电话，听到“我是莎朗”，就挂了，然后翻看我的备忘记事本里的电话簿，看有没有一个叫莎朗的在伯尼维工作，然后比较了两个电话。那天晚上，她破天荒第一次问我办公室哪个女孩叫莎朗？我尽力不脸红，说莎朗是那个接待台的金发碧眼的女孩。 “不会吧？”她说，把我那本记着莎朗电话的笔记本放到我鼻子跟前，“那个难看至极，巨大的乳房都要从衣服里跳出来的那个？你跟她上床了？” 我的脸通红。我不指望可以撒谎混过去。“嗯——是。” “几次？” “嗯——一次。” 克林顿式的回答。我隐瞒了在老板的办公室、咖啡馆的厕所，以及在莎朗家沙发上那几次。 卡门完全发怒了，我还感到惊讶，够天真的。难道我没有告诉卡门我经常不忠吗？哦，可能我们第一次约会的时候说过，然后我就再也没有提过，但是，难道她不知道我是怎样的人吗？弗兰克曾经告诉我这种推理并不完全合理。他的这个观点穆德也赞同。但是我的越轨行为他们绝对不会告诉卡门，包括在莎朗之后的越轨行为。 但是，过去几年来，我对托马斯也更加防备了一些，关于我每周“必做”清单上的热情拥吻，他一点也不知道，更别说经常发生的乱搞了。他确实知道我和莎朗的事，那是因为他也跟莎朗有过关系。安妮也知道莎朗一事。卡门发现这事之后，在安妮那待了好几天。 拉蒙也是个孤独恐惧者，但是他不像我，他不知道我们的不忠已经不再是一种习惯，而是变成一种瘾了。总是忙忙碌碌在做什么，姓名、电话号码、电子邮件地址。就像不承认自己有酒瘾的酒鬼一样，他们的办公室抽屉里藏着一瓶他们聊以度日的伏特加，并且遮掩着不让别人知道。和卡门一样，拉蒙的妻子对拉蒙的情况一无所知。 孤独恐惧症者对通过不忠所得到的快感上瘾。后悔和内疚这类的情感——普通人所固有的这种情感使他们不至于经常出轨——孤独恐惧症者能够不予理会。孤独恐惧症者说服自己，他（或她，但通常是他）不管怎样在外面乱搞，都不会对爱人造成伤害。“只要她没发现”，“我和别人做的时候并没有少爱她一分”，“我可以把性和爱分开”，他用这样一些借口欺骗了朋友，也欺骗了自己。孤独恐惧症者内心完全清楚，这只是逃避道义上的谴责，以继续把自己看做是个好人。 我的情况正在发生变化。那次结婚戒指事件是我沦落的最低点。我的孤独恐惧症，一直以来被我视为一种美好的、无害的、可控制的偏差，现在已经成了一种着魔。勾引女人得到的快感比女人或性都更让我上瘾。 过去几个月来的每个星期，因为我和卡门几乎每晚都待在家，所以我掰着指头数日子，盼星期五的到来。丹尼的星期五晚上外出。当星期五又来了，傍晚我们在MIU喝百威啤酒，或去餐馆吃晚饭，半夜时到挤满人的舞厅或者酒吧去挑逗女孩子。但是因为弗兰克提不起劲来，所以最近我都是跟拉蒙一起，不是因为现在他是我最好的朋友，而是因为至少他不会让我感到羞愧。 她脸颊上的泪珠她脸上的悲伤绝望的眼睛在灯光中闪烁来吧，别哭了让我吻干你的泪在我怀里你很安全相信我我们一直拥有彼此她说嘘在我的耳边轻声说以前你也说过同样的话Tr ckener Kecks,from in tranen(Met hart en ziel,1990)30“水泡几乎没有了。” 卡门对着卧室的镜子看。她托起乳房上下左右检查着。我躺在床上看着她。最重的灼伤已经在愈合了。乳房上的皮肤开始长回来了。她又好好看了看，戴上乳罩，和我一起躺在床上。明天她就要去圣卢卡斯医院，手术安排在明天。 这是最后一个晚上，我睡着妻子旁边，而她仍然有两只乳房。我们俩都不知道自己是否愿意谈这个。无论如何，我们俩谁都不想好好做一次爱以做庆祝，作为给她乳房的道别派对。卡门的头枕在我肩膀上。一会儿她大声地抽噎起来，打破了沉默。很快我就感觉到她的眼泪流到我肩膀上，自从癌症进入我们的生活，这已经发生过无数次了。我抱她抱得更紧了，我们什么也没说。 没有什么可说的。这是癌症时期的爱。 我不想散播什么亵渎神明的谣言但我认为上帝有病态的幽默感Depeche mode,from Blasphemous Rumours(Some Great Reward,1984)31在卢娜的监督和穆德的帮助下，我终于把客厅清理干净了。 “昨天怎样，最后？”穆德问。 “她躺在那，在那种浅蓝色的被单下，就像个可怜的小人儿。她睡着，但时不时会起来，一般都是起来吐。我扶起她的头，下面有一个那种小容器，你知道的，就是那种胚胎形状的蛋盒。” 穆德拥抱我。“她有没有——有没有看手术后会变成什么样子？” “没有。医生建议我们一起拆绷带，他觉得这样有利于以后的恢复。” “上帝——这不是让你很难承受吗？” I nod. “我非常担心，担心我会被我所看到的吓着，而卡门会注意到。” 我双眼潮湿地看着穆德。她紧紧地抱住我，吻了我的前额。我把头靠在她肩膀上，她抚摩我的背。“丹尼，丹尼——”她轻轻地说，“来吧，亲爱的——”过了一会儿我重新振作起来，吻了她的嘴唇。她笑了，假装生气点了一下我鼻子，拭去脸颊上泪水。 “我该走了。”我说，“你能再给卢娜一罐婴儿食物吗？” 卡门已经穿好衣服了，她坐在电视机房，穿着一件宽松的、带领的黑色无袖长衣。我立刻看出她左边和右边突出的不同，卡门发现我在看，说她在被切除的那边胸罩里塞了一只紧身袜裤和三双短袜。在她可以穿假体乳罩之前，在尽量不引人注意的基础上，这些短袜拼命想把零变成D罩杯。 手术很成功，荣克曼医生说。过一阵，伤口拆线以后，卡门就必须佩戴新的假体乳罩。荣克曼医生说她必须尽快佩戴，因为考虑到卡门乳房（我想应该是指一个）的尺寸，由于过重，脊椎可能有弯曲的风险。 乳罩有一个小袋，用尼龙搭扣固定，里面放假体。假体本身是一个肉色的矽胶，形状就像从中间断开的一滴水。当然，是，假设有像D罩杯那么大的水滴的话。假体中间有一个小点，代表乳头。这个小袋摸起来就像装满了果冻的气球。卡门最开始收拾这个的时候，我们相互丢过来扔过去，尖声大笑，就像在炎热的夏日丢水球玩一样。 在医院的一个小房间，荣克曼医生问我和卡门是否一起拆绷带，我说我们一起。 在摘下乳罩之前，卡门问我是否准备好了。 “继续吧。”我肯定地说。我几乎不敢看，但是就快发生了，然后我就看见只有一个乳房的妻子。 她解开乳罩的搭钩，让肩带挂在肩膀上。尽量不引起她主意，我深深地吸了口气。 紧张的时刻来临了。 很恐怖。在她那熟悉的、美丽的大乳房旁边，现在是一块平地，缠着一块大绷带。和我想象的平地一模一样，但是看到这在我妻子的胸部，我吓坏了。大胸很好看，但是女人的身体上只有一个大乳房看起来就像是个笑话。我看了很久，不想给卡门留下我不敢看的印象，另一方面，是因为我不必看她的眼睛。我觉得自己必须说点什么。 “我应该说什么，卡——” 无论如何，不是说我喜欢，因为是不喜欢。 “它，嗯，平的，不是吗？”她说，看着镜中的绷带。 “是，很平。” 她把绷带边上的粘胶撕开时，我站在她身旁，绷带慢慢解开了。 里面露出来了女人容忍不了的丑陋。这是我一生中见过的最畸形的东西。一条大大的伤口从左到右横过乳房，长约10或12厘米。缝针处皮肤被拉紧，不平整，有些地方有褶皱，就像小学生第一次尝试去绣花。 “伤口恢复以后这些褶皱就会消失。”卡门说，她读懂了我的心。 "..." “很丑，不是吗，丹尼？” 没有选择，只能坦诚。我迅速想找到一种表达方式，坦率而不会令她尴尬。 “它——不好看，不。” “不，它不好看，它看起来很糟糕。”她说，仍然在看自己的前乳房。 然后她看着我。从她眼睛里我可以看出来她感觉很羞辱，被癌症羞辱了。上帝，这糟透了。想要漂亮的她必定痛苦万分。想要活着的她必定丑陋无比。 这就是癌症的法则。 圣诞节到了 每个人都在狂欢 Slade,from Merry X-mas Everybody(The X-mas Party Album,1973) 和卢娜一起看了一个小时的《天线宝宝》，我简直快要发疯了，觉得自己说话都快跟里面的丁丁一样了。 现在是圣诞节的上午十点半。我看了看卧室，卡门还是熟睡。 “卢娜，我们一起洗澡好吗？” "it is good--" 我们玩跳跳虎、维尼熊，用我的腿当滑梯，直到水变凉了。我给卢娜擦干水，给她重新穿上她的晚会服。 一般我不太喜欢圣诞，但是今天我想好好过圣诞。外出享乐的日子结束了，那就让我们在家里获得快乐吧，我下了决心。我给卡门买了两瓶泡澡的温泉精油，一瓶是芳香气味，让身体和精神平静，另一瓶是青柠花精华乳。我也帮卢娜买了一张麦当娜的CD准备送给卡门。我把卢娜的头发分成两股，用橡皮筋扎起来，还绑上我们这周买的圣诞球。卢娜认为这样非常棒。 我瞟了一眼卧室，高兴地看到卡门已经不在床上了。 “我们下楼吧，去妈咪那。”我热烈地对卢娜说。 “快快的！去妈咪那，去妈咪那！” “有没有拿好给妈咪的礼物？” “拿好了！”她哝哝地说。 “记不记得给妈咪礼物时要说什么？” “圣诞快乐？” “差不多，是的。”我笑道，吻了吻卢娜，很是感动。 楼下，卡门坐在餐桌旁，穿着她的灰色长晨衣，在看报纸。她没有戴上假发，也没有穿假体乳罩。 她面前放着一小盘乳酪。 “你在吃早饭了吗？”我惊奇地问。 “是，我好饿。”卡门理所当然地说。 “怎么啦？”沉默了一小会儿她问，吃了一口乳酪。 “是，圣诞——”我说，很尴尬。 卢娜伸出小手，送给妈咪一张包装好的CD和一张画。我拿着两瓶精油，都用金黄色的礼品纸包着，上面打着红色蝴蝶结。 卡门愣了一下。“噢——我没给你们准备什么——” “没关系。”我温和地说，我在撒谎。 卢娜帮她一起打开CD，我走过去坐下，四周看。发现家里很乱，到处都是CD，杂志，报纸，还有圣卢卡斯医院的复诊卡。餐桌上有昨天剩的半个黑面包，从超市买来的两袋凉牛奶，一盒已开的牛奶和一罐花生酱。感觉可怜，我于是拿了一片黑面包，从冰箱拿了些黄油，抹在面包上，然后夹上火腿。卡门忙着拆开我送的礼物，对我的行动她也看在眼里。 “我们一起吃圣诞早餐，好吗？”她怯怯地问。 我忍不住。眼泪出卖了我。 “是——”我很失望地含糊地应了一声，嘴里塞满了不新鲜的面包，“那会很好，是——” “噢，上帝——噢，我多么愚蠢——”她结结巴巴地说，她现在完全心烦意乱，“噢——对不起，丹尼——” 我感到难过，抓起她的手，说没有那么糟。我们紧紧抱住彼此，相互安慰。卢娜高兴地看着我们。 “我有个好主意，”我说，“我打电话给弗兰克，问他今天愿不愿来这。然后我去接他，顺便去夜间商店买点好东西。今天会营业的。然后回家，我们再重新来过一遍。” 到弗兰克的高层公寓后，他吻了我三次。 “圣诞快乐，我的朋友！”他高兴地说。 “谢谢。也祝你圣诞快乐。”我回答得没有多少热情。 弗兰克仔细看我，“不好，是吗？” 看着地板，我摇头。我在他肩头大哭起来。 在车上，我把音响开得很大声。在莱茵街的一家夜间商店，我们买下了所有觉得好吃的东西。在街角的一家花店，我买了一束玫瑰。我们双手拿满了食物、饮料、鲜花，我们唱着歌走进起居室。 卡门穿着黑色裤子和一件我认为最适合她的白色无袖长衣。她化了妆，戴上了假发。她走过来拥抱我。“圣诞快乐，亲爱的。”她说，笑靥绽放。“今晚，我会在床上好好满足你的。”她轻声说。 他们说2000年到了 晚会结束了 oops Prince,from 1999(1999,1982) 我们在荷兰中部的马尔森庆祝千禧年，托马斯和安妮在组织晚会。我一点兴趣也没有。自从迈阿密之后托马斯就没有再给我打过电话，安妮打电话来我一接话她就找卡门。幸运的是，穆德和弗兰克一如既往，还有来自布雷达的几个老朋友。 当十二点的钟声响起时，我和卡门都很激动。我们拥抱彼此很久。我们不知道要为对方许什么愿。然后我走向弗兰克，和他拥抱了很久。他祝愿我新年比过去的一年更好。穆德吻了我，抚摩了一下我的脸颊，“这一年我为你骄傲，丹尼。”她低声说。 后来，托马斯过来了，他拍了拍我的肩，祝我新年快乐，问我怎么样。我怀疑地看着他。难道他真的不知道？或者他不想知道？我迟疑了一会儿。我是跟他玩躲猫猫的游戏呢，还是告诉他我们家里的情况有多糟，直接告诉他自从迈阿密回来之后他不给我打电话我真的很生气？我们已经认识三十年了。我必须让他明白我的感受。 “并不总是很好，托马斯。”我开始说。 “不，这就是生活，我想——圣诞过得好吗？” 我又试了一次，“不，不好。圣诞真的让我们很难受。比我想象的更形式化——” “是，变得一定要互相送礼物。”他迅速打断我，“我们也一样，在安妮父母家过圣诞节，在我父母家过圣诞节的次日。我总是把这些日子叫做国家无聊日，哈哈。” “嗯，实际上，我说的是别的意思。”我说。换一种方式吧。“嘿，弗兰克告诉我，你认为卡门得了癌症我不应该去迈阿密？” 他愣了一下，他紧张地四处看看。 “嗯——听着，那是——噢，糟糕，我得从油锅里拿出甜甜圈，不然，就会像恩万科?卡努一样黑了，那样就没人会喜欢，哈，听着，对不起，我——一会儿回来——”然后他就走了。我看着他的背影，手里紧紧地握着香槟酒杯，差点捏碎。我的妻子得的不是流感，一周之内就可以好的，那样生活可以像以前一样继续，她得了癌症，你这个混蛋！cancer!致命的病、秃发、乳房切除、担心会死掉。你觉得我家里的情况会怎样，你这个愚蠢的王八蛋？ 托马斯回来了，拿着甜甜圈。我拿了一个，从桌上抓起一瓶香槟，逃到外面去了。我奋力把甜甜圈朝围栏外扔去，透过窗子，我看见托马斯一脸愉快的表情在发甜甜圈。我走过去坐在一张木长椅上，望着夜空中的烟花，回想我们经历癌症的一年。 “还爱我吗？”圣诞那天晚些时候卡门问我，在她给了我圣诞礼物之后。 “我当然爱你，亲爱的。”我微笑着回答。 我在撒谎。 事实是我真的不能完全确定我是否爱她。是的，看到卡门哭泣、难受、疼痛、害怕的时候我很伤心。但这是“爱”吗？或者仅仅是同情？不，我不想让她失望。但是，这是爱吗？还是责任？ 但是我们不能分开，即使我们想这样。如果病情恶化，卡门想要在她身边的人是我，不是任何其他人。没有人像你一样了解我，她说。 我听到屋里传来王子的歌声，唱着“派对已经结束了”，我站起来告诉自己，我一向做人的原则就是：有任何不顺心的事，包括工作或感情，如果不能改变对方，那就只有改变自己。现在，正值千禧年，我却很不快乐，而这并不是改变自己就能解决的。 新年快乐，丹。 我感觉好极了 我感觉好极了 这个世界疯了 我没有 所以别在谈饥饿、癌症、暴力了 戴上帽子，歌唱吧 我感觉好极了 我感觉好极了 Hans Teeuwen,from Hard en Zielig(1995) “天哪，卡，我觉得你这样去对待真的太神奇了。”进门时我听见穆德对卡门说，“你什么都做，你这么愉快，你还像以前一样工作——” 托马斯赞同地点头。 “哦，当然你可以消沉下去，但是这样对你没什么好处，”卡门说，给了一个大家都爱听的回答，“现在真的没有什么让我烦心的。” 而今天十二点半之前她生不如死。 “你多么积极，真的让人钦佩。”托马斯说。弗兰克看着我，对我眨眼。卡门又加了一句。 “不然你又该怎样呢？你的观念越是乐观，你的生活就越是美好。” 她很乐观。 但是今天晚上，这没有用。我可以看出这个长长的夜晚让卡门筋疲力尽了。 “亲爱的，我们回去吧？”我问。 卡门很高兴，她不用自己提出来。 我把卢娜从床上抱起来，小心地放进车里，她没有醒，仍然睡着。弗兰克帮我拿东西。“高兴点，伙计，”他低声说，“她需要你。” “究竟为什么你在跟别人谈论的时候要装作很好？”车到拐角处之前我愤怒地问她。“现在他们全都坐在那钦佩地谈论你。你一向都是多么乐观，从不抱怨诉苦。你肯定了解你自己，但他们最终是我们的朋友，他们应该知道一天中四分之三的时间你一点都不好。他妈的！” 她什么也没说，我还要继续发作时，她突然歇斯底里地哭起来，用手捶打仪表板。我吓蒙了，迅速把车子停在路边加油站的空地上。我试着拥抱她，但她拼命推开我的胳膊。我回头看看卢娜，奇之又奇，她还在睡。 “你以为我很想让他们以为我很好吗！我完全不好。我感觉糟糕到了极点！糟糕极了！！！难道他们看不出来吗？我秃发了，我的乳房被切除了，我——我非常担心，担心再也好不了了——我将遭受疼痛——我将死去！我当然不想死！他们当然了解这些！”她哭着，长时间啜泣。 “好了，亲爱的，好了。”我温柔地说。这次她没有挣扎地让我抱着她。 “我真的不知道该怎么办了，丹尼，”她抽噎着说，“难道我要整天到处诉苦？ 情况会更糟糕——然后没有人会再问我怎么样——大家都会想：旧话重提，又来了。 " “卡，你不必为自己感觉不好而羞愧，不是吗？你不用指望从那些不知道你真实情况、真实感受的人那里得到支持。” “嗯——也许我对每个人都应该更加坦诚——”她看着我，“这样更好，不是吗？” I nod.她把头靠在我肩上。 “我几乎不敢说，”过了一会儿她说，“但——但我在考虑放弃广告经纪公司。” “你想的完全正确。”我毫不迟疑地说。 她笔直坐起身，惊讶地看我。 “是的。早就该这样。这是你的公司。如果你好些了，还可以重新开始。” 她盯着仪表板，我看得出她在犹豫。“是的，”她突然下定决心说，“然后我就可以去健身馆，多和卢娜一起在家待着，还有——购物，看书——只要考虑自己。”她又敲打仪表板。“是的！我要停下来。他们自己可以管理！” 我满意地笑。 就这样，在新千年的第一天，三十五岁的卡门不再工作了。