Chapter 5 sway-1

At the end of the month, my daughter Xia Mei, who had gone to Australia, came back, and the family immediately became lively. This family has always been used to the state of a husband and wife plus two children. Before Xia Mei was missing, it was like sitting in a car with a missing wheel. Everyone felt uneasy. Just when the girl came back, the atmosphere in the house suddenly became lively again. Although Xia Mei was experiencing life abroad for the first time, she didn't look tired at all. She took out a kangaroo hair key ring and said, "Dad, this is for you." Then she gave her mother a patterned pencil bag and her younger brother a T-shirts featuring local scenery.

"What a great place, let's go together next time!" Getting to Australia was not easy, but the wife and son listened happily. In such a lively atmosphere, Shogo felt a little relieved. As a result, his wife's mood has stabilized, and perhaps she can be more lenient in the search of Shogo. Shogo thought, no matter what, the grim situation where his wife almost came to him before would be best ended with Natsumi's return home. As Shogo expected, his wife's mood suddenly improved after that.Maybe it's because they are both women that they get along better. Shogo often hears the sound of the two talking and laughing.

From this point of view, is the intense questioning of the root cause caused by the loneliness caused by the absence of the daughter?On the one hand, Shogo felt that things were not that simple, but on the other hand, he hoped that it would be that simple. In short, with the daughter's return home, the children's summer vacation is over, and the new semester begins. A week later, the father of a friend who was said to live in Platinum died, and the wife went to the vigil. After confirming it was true, Shogo returned home earlier than ever before and sneaked into his wife's bedroom.

Recently, I haven't looked at my diary much, so I feel like I'm about to sneak into some secret hideout, and Shogo's heart is agitated. As usual, I looked around first, then stretched my hand inside the bed, and the diary emerged from under the mattress as expected. "long time no see." As if meeting a long-lost lover, Shogo opened the diary while feeling his heart beating. The date is September 1st when the Commencement Ceremony for Semester 2 is held. September 1 (Friday) 23:30 Husband sits on sofa drinking whiskey and water and says to son in pajamas after shower: "Oh too."

"Ah, where is Dad at home?" The husband had never been home so early on a Friday, so the son looked a little surprised. "How's football going?" The son wiped his head with a towel hanging around his neck, opened the door of the kitchen refrigerator, and replied casually, "It's not that good." "What kind of answer is that?" Probably because he was a little drunk, the husband glared at his son in the kitchen. Tai also felt bad, so he reported to his father: "From next month's competition, I will become a regular team member."

"Really, you did a good job." The husband knocked on the table with a bang, and one person nodded and said, "Okay!" "Well, you're still like Dad, strong and fast, right?" The son said good night, left her husband behind, and went to his room. Just then, the husband yelled "Hello" but there was no answer.Seeing his son disappear, the husband smacked his lips in dissatisfaction: "It's not close at all." Then, he stared at me who was using a computer in the living room to keep track of my household expenses, as if to say: "Your discipline is not good!"

"The kid is tired from football practice." Originally, I wanted to intercede and let my husband calm down, but as usual, he said "I'm going to sleep" and went back to his room awkwardly. Whenever the kids got grades in school or in an interest group, the husband almost always said, "That's like me." And a few days ago, when my daughter made a mistake in the violin report performance, my husband whispered in my ear: "I am reckless, just like you." He always proudly boasted that the children had inherited his genes for their strengths and blamed me for their weaknesses.And if there are characteristics that neither of the couple have, he will even say nonchalantly: "Maybe it looks like your father."

Even so, I can't think of my late father. It's almost as if the lineage of the talented Kawashima family has turned bad after marrying me, and my husband always has such a tone. "Really?" Shogo tilted his head, thinking. He didn't remember saying that the children's strengths were his own and their weaknesses were his wife's. The kids did say things like "Like me, nice" when they did well, but it was just a compliment in jest.When my daughter made a mistake, maybe she said "reckless like you", it was because she thought of her wife's sloppyness, and she said it because she thought it was cute, and there was no malice.

Thinking of this as "the benefits are all my genetics, and I am proud of the blood of the Kawashima family", I can't help but think too much. Even so.Every word I said as a joke, my wife made a big fuss and couldn't let go. Shogo didn't know anything about it. Being so serious is indeed like a wife's style.However, in such a casual way, the couple can't even make a joke. "Really..." Shogo clicked his tongue, then read down the diary. A few days ago, it was published in the newspaper that "Japanese fathers have the shortest contact time with their children." However, there may be no way to prevent the distance between father and son due to busy work and little time to talk to children.

However, in order not to damage the image of my father, I tried my best to prevent them from seeing couples quarreling or disagreeing with each other in front of my children in my own way.Because I think the healthy growth of children is inseparable from the stability and tranquility of the family. Even so, the children are approaching puberty, and have a growing sense of things and objective judgments about everyone in the family.No matter how perfunctory on the surface, perhaps the children have sensed the chilly air that wafts between us as a couple. Maybe it's just a matter of time before the children peel off the masked couple's painted skin...

And things like tonight, too, I have no reason to be stared at by my husband. The son has his own way and reasons for doing things, and it must be because he usually finds his father gloomy and dull and can't help but take that behavior.If he feels unhappy, the husband should be more or less aware of the alienation from the children, and should increase and cherish the time he spends with the children. He said he was busy with work, but he had time to see that woman. "Even so..." Shogo mused. Such discord or quarrels with wives may be caused by different understandings of the concept of "couple". In Shogo's case, to be precise, there is the idea that a husband should always have a superior position over his wife.It doesn't mean to be prestige, but I just think that in the family, the husband must have the status first, and the wife should maintain this status and protect the children.Although somewhat old-fashioned, Shogo still believes that the ideal husband and wife relationship is a husband and wife who follow each other.In fact, Shogo's parents are such a couple. The growth environment of his wife Shimako may be a little different.Perhaps because he is a professor of international law at the university, her father is a very progressive person, and the family is always filled with an atmosphere of freedom. Shimako, who grew up in such a family, thought that she would be very satisfied with the Kawashima family when she got married, but once she got married, she might begin to understand the difference in her growing environment. The things written in this diary were born out of this feeling of incompatibility. For example, when he heard that his son was going to become an official football player, Shogo said something like "good job, still like me", which was a little proud, but there was nothing wrong with it.In fact, as a man, his son's posture and movements are very similar to his own, so it is only natural to say that. As for the daughter, because she is a girl, it is natural for her to look like a wife, so she only said "like you in a rash place", so there is no need to be critical and angry. At the very least, why can't a wife say something like "Yeah, it's nice like you" when the husband is in a drunken mood and says "it's like me"?Isn't this the attitude that submissive husbands should adopt? No matter what the husband does, as long as the wife hugs him and coaxes him, the family will live in peace. "Hmm..." Shogo shook his head slowly, thinking. Shogo may not necessarily force his wife to do this, but he still thinks his wife should be more open-minded.Wouldn't it be better to give in to yourself on the surface and have your own opinions in private. In this regard, one only needs to look at my mother to understand.Since his wife married into the Kawashima family, she has heard and witnessed the relationship between her late father and mother, so she should know about it.However, today, men and women are the same, and husbands and wives should have equal rights and claims. "If this continues, the relationship will not be good." Shogo sighed again. Come to think of it, couple, it's an incredible thing. During the engagement stage before marriage, Shogo thought it would be nice to be with Shimako, so he got married. But once married, all kinds of problems come.Seeing the diary this time, Shogo learned that his wife has a lot of dissatisfaction, and from his own standpoint, he also has a lot of dissatisfaction. Of course, the degree of dissatisfaction with his wife is different. Sometimes Shogo thinks that the other party is a difficult and not very cute woman. Such dissatisfaction between both parties has actually started since the marriage.In fact, just because there is nothing wrong with being engaged, marriage is the reason for it. Two people are together, living under the same roof from morning to night, looking at each other's face and living together every day, indeed there will be all kinds of incongruous notes. Think about it, marriage is actually two people with different growth experiences, upbringing, and values ​​that come together driven by a momentary passion.In the future, I don't know what else will happen. The dreams and hopes you have when you get married don't necessarily carry on after you get married.Quite a few were riddled with holes and dimmed halfway through. Sex life is one of them.During the engagement period, no, it should be said that when we first met before that, Shogo often dreamed how happy he would be if he could embrace such a woman. When I got married, when I thought about being able to hug every day, the desire suddenly disappeared rapidly.Even touching each other has become boring, and I don't even bother to think about it. To be precise, these are all caused by living together.Always by your side, you can talk every day, you can cuddle anytime. That state of complete peace of mind is one of the fundamental reasons for dispelling the lust between the two and causing many problems. "But..." Shogo continued to think. Although it is an exaggeration to say that marriage may be the root of many problems, but there are also many things gained from it. From Shogo's point of view, he has two children and runs the hospital smoothly, and there is a wife who, although a bit nagging, can completely entrust the raising of children to her wife.For this, Shogo has always been grateful, but he didn't expect his wife's mood to be so ups and downs. Now Shogo is both surprised and confused by the fact that he thought he understood his wife's sincerity completely, but he didn't understand it at all. "Aren't you just thinking about your own position?" Shogo wanted to say this to his wife, but since he was peeking at his wife's secret diary, he couldn't complain. September 4 (Monday) 23:30 The long summer vacation is over, and classes officially start today. With the arrival of the new semester, I also want to change a new mood, so I went to the beauty salon again in two months. Perhaps because of the recommendation of hairstylist Hashimoto, I cut it shorter than usual, so it feels a little unnatural.However, this hairstyle will always suit my face shape. In the evening, my son came back from school and said, "Ah, I cut my hair. I was shocked, I don't look like my mother." As soon as my daughter saw me, she immediately praised: "Mom cut her hair, it suits you very well." At half past nine, my husband came back.I greeted him at the door as usual, but he just said "oh", nodded and entered the study. Dinner is the roast beef that my husband likes. In order not to be too hot, cold vegetables are added. The husband sat down at the table and read the evening paper first. "Morning news, I cut it for you." I said. Although not directly related to my husband's work, I always pick out the medical news in the daily newspaper and cut it out.It's also my job outside of the house. The husband took the newspaper clipping, and seemed to suddenly remember something, and said, "Mom came to the hospital today and said that she wanted to give you a kimono, and asked you to pick it up. She said she was getting old and couldn't wear it anymore." It was so sudden, I muttered under my breath, "What then?" "It seems to be a very expensive item." My husband looked at me who was arranging the dishes with some doubts. "Mother's kindness, I'm very happy," I explained when my husband frowned, as if he felt that I was going to complain, "but there are very few opportunities to wear kimonos, and what I have is enough. Besides, my mother and I are also very different in size and size. Even if you accept it, you have to ask someone to completely change it. Can you please reject it tactfully?" Unexpectedly, the husband said coldly: "If you don't want it, just refuse it yourself." Indeed, my mother said that I would give my wife a kimono, and Shogo told his wife that she would not accept it, so there was some friction.The incident was recorded in detail in the diary. "If it's up to me to refuse, won't that make my mother angry?" When I said this, my husband became a little anxious and said, "In that case, just accept it heartily." "Isn't it a pity to accept such a precious kimono and not wear it? Besides, I owe my mother's kindness." No matter how you explain it, you will inevitably be ridiculed by him: "You are still so stubborn and unlovable." This statement is simply too much.However, I tried to beg him again: "Please help me to refuse." "No, I can't say it. If you really don't like it that much, you can call Mom." If I continued talking, it would only make my husband's mood worse, so I agreed with "Got it", and I went into the kitchen. Up to now, my husband has never said "no" to my mother-in-law's opinions or wishes, and has always been a good person.All the difficult things were pushed on my head. Could it be that this is the so-called little concern for the mother from the so-called son who cannot be filial because he is too busy with work?But since she was her own mother, she had to say what should be said resolutely. The same rejection, from me and from my husband, the mother-in-law will accept it differently. Of course it doesn't mean that the mother-in-law is a bad person.Before I married my husband, when we first started dating, my mother-in-law liked me more than my husband. My mother-in-law was a primary school teacher when she was young, and her way of thinking about problems is also very trendy, and she is a very reasonable person.Married to my husband, I feel the luckiest thing is that I get along well with my mother-in-law, and I can say anything without being polite. When the mother-in-law is old, it is the duty of the eldest son's daughter-in-law to take care of her.Sometimes I would say: "Mom, I am an expert in changing diapers, please don't worry." My mother-in-law would smile heartily and say, "Shima, please forgive me for that matter." In the future, I still want to keep a proper distance from my mother-in-law and continue this relationship, but how long can this person be called "mother"? Shogo knew that mother and wife got along well.So, when I told my wife that my mother was going to give her a kimono, I thought my wife would be very happy, but Shogo was surprised that he was so obsessed with such trivial matters. However, he actually said, "How long can this person be called a mother?" Why did you write such alarmist words? Could it be that you want to break up?Shogo thought so, and then looked down at the diary. "You are too stubborn." The husband's words lingered in his ears.Too assertive, who is this comparing with?It is compared with the woman who wears Jinsha Feiwu cherry blossom perfume. Although I don't want to think this way, but after a little attention, I found that it is inevitable to link all the problems with my husband's affair. I may be too rigid and inflexible. However, being betrayed by my husband because of this, I couldn't stand it no matter what.Don't I want to be free and easy?But in the current situation, even if I want to be generous, I can't be generous. "Just tell my mother-in-law." I seemed to be driven by an urge to tell my mother-in-law everything about my husband's cheating. As for my mother-in-law, she will definitely laugh it off, and then give me appropriate advice. At that time, she will stand by my side and let me relax. However, if I tell my mother-in-law, before I question my husband, my mother-in-law will definitely investigate her son's crimes first. In that case, as usual, the husband would either avoid it vaguely, or laugh mockingly: "That's Shimako's wild imagination." In either case, I don't think the husband will break up with that woman. Maybe not only will we not break up, but the husband will only become more and more indifferent to an unlovable woman like me who complained to my mother-in-law, and pour all my heart and soul into that woman. Then, mother-in-law, husband and I, the relationship between the three of us has become more complicated and inextricably linked, and no one can extract it. It is too early to rush to conclusions.The rant at this moment only shows my stupidity. It would be better to find out the existence of that woman first. Several pieces of evidence have been found.From now on, it's time to sort out the evidence and pinpoint exactly who that person is. Although it may seem a little scary, but when you want to do it, you must do it resolutely.Any more delays will not lead to any improvement. Shogo couldn't help but run his hands around his neck.Looking at my wife's diary, I felt chills down my spine. Finally, it was only a matter of time before his wife sniffed out and approached Shiori's existence.Flipping through the pages anxiously, the contents of the diary suddenly changed. September 6 (Wednesday) 23:10 After the flower arrangement class at Mr. Kojima's house in Shirokane, we all went to a nearby restaurant for a buffet. It might be weird for me to say this myself, but I really enjoy being in groups with housewives in their 30s and 40s.It can be said that, to some extent, there is a need to do so. Because housewives who always get information through TV at home are inevitably biased. In order not to fall behind the times, they use this method to gain knowledge.At the same time, standing on the same ground, everyone can lick each other's wounds in order to feel at ease. The people at the party talked about various topics that everyone was interested in, such as information about children's education, popular clothing, famous brands, beauty care, travel, etc. Everyone talked to each other and nodded frequently. The women kept talking non-stop, because usually they only listened to their family members, and chatting with friends relaxedly, maybe they could relieve the accumulated pressure.Quite a few of them spoke ill of their husbands or mother-in-law because they wanted to vent their pent-up anger, and then went home with happy faces. A few days ago, a poll conducted by a newspaper showed that most housewives filled the column with the word "joy" in the column "occupation of housewives" and the word "forbearance" in the column "marital life".The housewives mentioned here, on the surface, behave elegantly and have an air of whitewashing happiness, but in fact, as full-time housewives, they have troubles as housewives. There is only one exception. My husband, Jiu, is an international lawyer. It is said that he frequently uses his mobile phone to communicate with his wife every day.The age of marriage is about the same as mine, but why is it so different?It seems that because of living overseas for a long time, I feel different from the general husband.As expected, during today's chat session, my husband Jiu called again, and she happily stood up to answer. Shogo really didn't expect that his wife recorded vividly in his diary the time spent with housewives that he had never considered.However, what is going on with housewives being "happy" in their career and "forbearing" in their married life?Shogo continued to read. After a long time, I came back after answering my husband's phone call. Asai asked her: "Is your husband very open in expressing love like European and American couples because he has lived overseas for a long time? Did he say I love you on the phone?" Such questions are private, and usually few people raise them, but everyone still smiles shyly and waits for the answer with relish. After a long time, I hesitated a little, and said a little shyly: "Well, I often..." "Oh, I envy you. We haven't heard anything like that since our honeymoon." Asai's husband was an accountant for a large company, and the two married through an introduction.She is now obsessed with Korean male stars and has traveled to Korea twice. "Asai, you are also responsible. Don't always focus on Korean actors, you should cultivate your husband's heartbeat more." Jiu's tone was a bit strong, Asai stood there alone with a wine glass, and said slowly: "But, at this point, how can I make his heart beat?" Seeing that we were all nodding, Jiu I simply said: "As a couple, as long as you try hard, your husband will definitely change." "Oh, you mean between the sheets?" The question was so straightforward that everyone held their breath for a while. It's taboo to ask questions like this at a housewife's party, and should be avoided as much as possible, but Asai, who was a little drunk from drinking wine, didn't intend to stop. As expected of Kuga, he replied shyly and vaguely: "Ah, yes, including that kind of thing..." Unexpectedly, Asai chased after him closely: "Now, who would believe that such a thing will happen again, Jiugao, you are really amazing." Maybe he was a little angry at Kuga's smile, but Gon Asai countered it as a sarcasm, and went on drinking again. Although it was somewhat disappointing for his wife to participate in it, Shogo was still very interested in these tense topics of housewives, so he continued to read the diary. In Asai's words, there was a lurking jealousy towards Kuga who was still sweet with her husband to this day, and Nakajima, who had been listening all the time, also added in. "Yeah, our family is also divided into husband and wife, and we don't think about doing that kind of thing now. The love between husband and wife is more like a state of human love, and it can also be said to be the feeling of caring for each other." After hearing this, I also seemed to feel relieved.But Kuga blushed to cover it up and said, "But, isn't that a pity. We're still young, aren't we, Kawashima?" She turned to me who had decided to keep silent. "Yeah, it's great to be like Kuga and my wife, but unfortunately, our family has lost that atmosphere for a long time." Asai immediately felt that there was help, and echoed: "Yes, isn't that very common." Outnumbered, Jiu I finally shut up.However, the peaceful expression on her face seems to make people feel her confidence and comfort: "No matter what you say, I am loved by my husband." Although we are the majority, we express ourselves Out that we are wretched wives who are not loved by their husbands. How long has it been since my husband and I had no skin-to-skin contact?It is said that touching human skin is an indispensable factor for mental stability. Almost two years ago, my son moved out of my dorm during spring break when he was in third grade.My son said: "Everyone sleeps alone." He wanted to sleep alone, but I couldn't help it. In retrospect, since the two children were born, they have always slept in the same bed together.From baby feeding and lullaby singing, to kindergarten, reading to them from picture books, holding hands with babies who run up to snuggle in fear of monsters, clinging to their cheeks, and , touch and pat Yuanyuan's little buttocks, put the child to sleep, and so on.Perhaps, touching the skin before going to bed like this, to make the mood stable and satisfying, is not so much the child's needs, but rather my own needs. In the process of raising children, does the wife enjoy the skin-to-skin contact with the child so much?It was an unimaginable world for Shogo who had no actual parenting experience. Touching my child's skin before going to bed, I feel calm and satisfied.It was a very important relief and comfort for me not to touch my husband's skin. As for my husband, he played with the daughter who replaced me, probably because he wanted to touch the skin of a young woman. Recently, I feel very angry about the fact that I have no sex, maybe it is because my body is not satisfied.In short, I don't want to become a state where I can have skin-to-skin contact with anyone, and I resist with a vague uneasiness in my heart. At least, try to avoid diverting your inner hunger to over-education of children, obscene gossip of housewives, intemperate appetite, and the like. Because, I definitely haven't reached the age when I lose my attractiveness as a woman! What's more, I have the same sexual desire as my husband, and I really want to degenerate.Besides my husband, I also wanted to try falling asleep in the arms of someone else. Even if I can't do such a crazy thing, I want to climb that beautiful mountain, even if it's just once. Why in this society, the husband's cheating can be tolerated, but the wife's cheating will be looked down upon? In fact, although housewives in their thirties may not be aware of it because they are immersed in childbearing, most housewives in their forties start to feel depressed physically and mentally.Although the situation varies from person to person, most of them are manifested in irregular or changing menstruation.On the one hand, I don’t think I need to mind it, on the other hand, the two forces of letting go and impatience and anxiety in the unstable changes in my body are intertwined, and my heart is approaching the abyss of more and more ups and downs. After giving birth, the lines of the body were destroyed, and despite careful attention, the fat around the waist was still piled up.Inadvertently, the recklessness, ambiguity and slow reaction were all concentrated in the obese body. Now, I began to re-examine the state of being immersed in a stable life and gradually losing myself.Is my husband’s cheating a revelation from God to warn women like me? Somewhere in my heart, I was looking for a way to return to my husband again, but the surrounding area was covered by thick fog, and I couldn't see what was ahead. I felt that my hope was bleak and I could only stand still. At the age of forty, my wife began to become unstable both mentally and physically. "I don't want to just be a courageous and strong woman, but I want to regain that feeling of heartbeat as a woman." She can understand her feelings. However, "In addition to my husband, I also want to try to fall asleep in the arms of others", this cannot be taken lightly.In that case, the family that was organized with great difficulty will fall apart.Although a bit selfish, after all, husbands and wives deal with cheating in completely different ways. And at the end it says "somewhere in my heart is looking for a way to return to my husband again", although "the surroundings are covered by thick fog, and the front is vast and invisible", but Shogo learned that his wife had such thoughts, so he Be a little more at ease. If she really thinks that way, it's not that Shogo is unwilling to hug her tenderly from now on.Nothing is more gratifying than the fact that the wife is thus obedient to her word, both physically and mentally. However, even so, Shogo did not make up his mind to completely break up with his current lover, but thought it would be nice to hug his wife occasionally. Thinking in this way, Shogo suddenly realized that he had taken this as his diary, and couldn't help but wryly smiled. Simply, I also started to write a diary, and then exchanged it with my wife. My wife's is called "Hydrangea", so I'll call it "Dahlia".But it's a bit ridiculous for men to use red flowers, so "earth angelica" is not bad.Yes, how about calling it "Earth Angelica Diary"? In fact, it is impossible for Shogo to write as persistently as his wife.Writing one sentence after another, the tenacity and sharpness seem to be only the unique characteristics of women. Wanting to read on, and turning another page, Shogo found that the date at the beginning and the two lines written horizontally were traced by a horizontal line. Because my wife wrote it with a ballpoint pen, and the handwriting was still there after I crossed it out. Maybe I felt that I was too dissatisfied with the writing, so I scribbled the words very carefully. Started again with two blank lines, no new date, maybe written on the same night. Looking back, the days after the birth of the daughter were devoted to raising the baby, and the husband came home very late, so he seemed to have no memory of having sex. However, at that time, the heavy burden from my husband's parents and relatives -- "The second child must be a boy." was already heavily on my shoulders. From the beginning of the profound topic about the birth of the child, whether this was written by his wife in a daze, Shogo read it intently again. It was expected that I, as the daughter-in-law, had the responsibility to regenerate a hospital heir, and every time I met my husband's parents or relatives, such topics would come up. "When is the next time?" "A star of hope is about to be born." "Having a child is done in one go, and it doesn't matter if the child is a year behind." I'm still busy taking care of my first child, and I don't even think about having a second child. I'm not happy to be bombarded with words like this one after another. Because they are definitely not happy with the birth of their first granddaughter, but they are always looking forward to the boy who is still in my belly. Even though the inconsiderate words broke my heart, I tried my best to put on a smile.But saying that I can do whatever I want as long as my womb is there is so hurtful that I'm starting to feel distrustful of the family. My wife has felt this way.People around did say similar things, but his wife always nodded, and Shogo thought that his wife was in the same mood as them. If it's really that unpleasant, just tell yourself no.In that case, Shogo might exchange opinions with his parents, but in fact, he is too busy with work to have enough time to listen to his wife's heart slowly. On the night of my daughter's first birthday, my husband gave me a female thermometer and a thermometer.It seems that he also felt the pressure from his parents.Thinking of this, I took my temperature as he said. I once asked him: "Isn't it good that the heir of the hospital is a girl?" But he insisted stubbornly: "Of course it's a boy." After arguing and fighting, I said to myself: "In today's era, although men and women are equal, there is no other way but to adapt to the ethos that men are superior to women." Unknowingly, I also let nature take its course in this trend up. Otherwise, it will only increase the hardships of life. Shogo did have his wife's temperature taken when his daughter Natsumi was one year old. That's because I thought my wife wanted to have another boy, so I didn't expect her to say "only to adapt to the trend of male superiority".Shogo didn't think it was that exaggerated, but maybe his wife didn't understand. In the diary, he no longer refers to himself as "husband" but "he", which makes Shogo a little dissatisfied.Isn't that just calling someone else irrelevant? Sometimes, he'd look at my thermometer and say, "Today is ovulation day..." and then crave my body. Usually I like to wear a long nightgown, but I only change into pajamas and pajama bottoms at night when I have sex with my husband.As long as you take off your underwear and pants in advance, you don't have to roll up the long nightgown bit by bit. I am afraid that I will never forget such nightly preparations just for the birth of a child. Both of them just took off their pajama bottoms and were done in a few minutes.It is true that there is no atmosphere or anything.To be treated like a machine without words, I feel endless sadness. That is definitely not love.It is nothing more than a physical union for the purpose of fertilization. Even if that wasn't the case, the husband always only considered his own position. On the night of the wedding, because the atmosphere of the wedding banquet was very lively, I returned to the room at dawn, feeling very tired. Moreover, in order to start the honeymoon as soon as possible, I have to leave for the airport very early the next morning, and I really want to take a good rest. So when I refused to have sex, he swooped in like he had to do a first night ritual and fell asleep snoring a few minutes later.Looking at his side face, my tears couldn't stop flowing down. While reading, Shogo lowered his head with complicated emotions. Unexpectedly, even such things, my wife remembered and wrote them down one by one.Maybe, the night when I write these things, I will feel extremely excited; maybe, thinking about it back and forth, all the unhappiness in the past will reappear all at once. All of this was a violent reprimand to himself. Calling a husband a "he" like someone else is irrelevant, and being able to criticize the way a husband makes love so nonchalantly. It's not even a fragment of love.Isn't this a complete denial of the husband himself? 男人最受打击的就是在房事上遭到批判。有的人就因此失去自信而不能勃起。 而妻子的语言更是毫不留情。 丈夫的做爱方式总是机械性的。 首先是从他右手的食指感受到的。突然间，伸到两腿间，连缓和情绪的空隙也没有就将整个身子压上来。这个过程每一次都分毫不差准确无误地进行着，而且总是单调得如同走过场似的重复作业。 就在这样的做爱过程中，我试图找出爱的影子，但是连一点碎片也找不到。 然后，他只要自己满足了，就立刻转过去背对着我睡觉。 但是，在我的体内，只剩下结束之后的空虚感积淀着，很快就成为倒流从子宫深处喷涌而出，变成废弃的残骸。 更何况，这种机械式的身体结合，也仅限于在排卵的日子里进行。 这次是这样，下次也是，再下一次也…… 有时候由于他过分的粗暴和痛楚，我央求他"别这样……",可他说什么"趁年轻的时候可以产生优良的精子。今天是排卵的日子，生男孩的几率很高"，从不会因此罢休。 那个时刻的他，不是爱着妻子的丈夫，仅仅不过是向想要男孩子的女人加以说明的医生而已。 这样不断重复着，对和他做爱就开始感觉到厌恶和憎恨，便装作排卵期不确定，在体温表中也胡乱地记录体温的变化。事实上，除了这样做，没有别的办法可以从做爱这件事逃开。 幸好，女儿两岁了，我也还没有怀孕。可是，丈夫开始焦急了，让我吃容易生男孩子的碱性食品，有时候也让我服用磷酸钙片。 那个时候的我，已经把做爱等同于生殖行为来考虑，而所谓的行为也只是义务性的。 终于，如愿以偿，我怀上第二个孩子的时候，从心底松了一口气的，并不是怀孕，却是因此以可以不用再和丈夫做爱而产生的放心。 那天晚上，我把之前一直穿着的浅蓝色睡衣睡裤悄悄扔到厨房的垃圾桶里，长长地吁了一口气。 这样，我的工作终于完成了。只是，对丈夫的厌恶感却无法去除，至今仍藏在身体的深处。 日记在这里结束了。省吾坐到沙发上，紧紧抱着头，身体一动也不动。 刚才读到的日记太恐怖了。不，是让他看到了自己压根就没想到的事情。如此批判和丈夫的做爱，并如此冷淡地看待，世界上有这样的妻子吗？ "这都写的什么呀？" 禁不住有要大骂一顿的冲动，可这是日记，又能有什么办法。是自己偷看了人家本来谁也不想给看才写的东西，所以没法气愤起来。 但正因此，所写的内容都是真心话，绝对没有丝毫虚假成分。 那么这样看来，自己和妻子在做爱时，妻子变得什么感觉也没有了，和自己做爱只是一味地厌恶，丝毫的快感都没有。 不过，省吾确实知道妻子什么感觉也没有。最初的时候反应很淡，后来也始终淡淡的，似乎在等着结束一样就离开了。 开始省吾还以为是有教养的女孩子所采取的有所控制的态度，想这大概是女人的修养艺术之一。 可结婚以后，不管多少次，妻子的态度没有任何改变。顺着省吾的要求，只是刚开始接受的时候有点难受地皱着眉小声咕哝着，在这一点上也许有点嗜虐的兴趣。然后，就什么反应也没有，让人觉得只是把身体借出去了而已。 面对那种清醒的态度，省吾这边虽有热情却不来劲也是理所当然的。那样就跟抱着一个索然无味、没有感情的冰冷女人有什么两样？ 但是，妻子却把责任归罪于省吾。说什么只是为了怀孕的做爱，仅仅是义务性的做爱而已。 以前确实有一阵子为了想得到儿子，有的地方可能是过于机械了些，有时可能会敷衍了事。但，也并不等于是说我不爱自己的妻子了。 恰恰相反，正因为是爱妻子的，所以才希望她能早日怀上男孩，在我父母和亲戚朋友面前脸上有光。她是我唯一的妻子，所以略微有些勉强她了。 而她却一直怀恨在心，至今仍还对丈夫抱有厌恶感，这事情可就大了。这点必须及早改善，刻不容缓。 看来，对妻子还是应该积极求爱，应该像长田所说的那样，给她来点甜言蜜语、床笫之间的颠鸾倒凤就能将这冰女人的身体和心田全部打开。 省吾显得颇有自信地自言自语着，站了起来。 near 进入九月，一直是阴雨连绵，台风又要来临。所幸的是东京仅仅是下了大雨，而九州、四国地方的灾害就相当严重了。 今年夏天有几天特别热，而突如其来的暴雨使天气骤然降温，这个夏天过得一点都不平静。 "就像我们家的吵吵闹闹一样。"省吾回忆着。 总之希望从现在开始，慢慢地向平静的秋天过渡。不久，在一个秋高气爽的日子，小儿子的学校开了运动会。 星期六医院休息。但每月一次去中野的敬老院"长寿园"出诊日碰巧也在这一天，运动会是去不成了。 这天早上，省吾告诉了太，太只是轻轻地"哦"了一声，脸上并没有显示出特别遗憾的表情。他对父亲不参加学校这类的活动早已习惯了，也许他一开始就没有期盼。 老年人患腰痛、关节痛等整形外科疾病的人很多，省吾已经答应长寿园的园长，每个月去长寿园出诊一次。明知这是工作，也只好利用珍贵的休息日了。 了解这些情况的妻子，如果能对儿子说"爸爸今天也要上班，没有办法呀"之类的话，也能照顾到他的面子。然而，妻子一句话也没说，一直在准备盒饭。 "真是的……" 他们都急匆匆地出了门后，省吾一个人也出了门。但在他的心里，盘算着今天晚上的事。 今天太参加运动会一定很累，女儿也说要跟同学去迪斯尼乐园，两个人肯定会早早睡觉的。 然后，已经很久没有跟妻子在一起了，试试看吧。