Chapter 20 eighteen

The next day, when Odintsova came to drink her morning tea, Bazarov spent a long time burying his head in the cup.Suddenly, he glanced at her... She immediately turned to look at him as if she had been jostled.After a night, her face looked a little pale.It was not long before she went back to her room, and did not reappear until breakfast.It has been cloudy and rainy since early in the morning, and it is impossible to go for a walk, so everyone gathers in the living room.Arkady found an up-to-date magazine to read to the crowd.The old princess first showed a look of surprise, as if he had done something disgraceful, and then glared at him viciously.But he ignored it.

"Evgeny Vasilyitch," began Anna Sergeyevna, "come with me... I want to ask... about the reference book you mentioned yesterday... " She stood up and walked towards the door.The old princess looked about, as if to say: "You see, I am amazed at such things!" She glared at Arkady, but Arkady ignored her, and instead read aloud aloud, talking with the neighbors. Katerina exchanged glances. Odintsova went to her study with small steps, and Bazarov walked briskly behind her, without raising his eyes, listening to the rustle of her dress.The two of them sat down in the positions they sat in last night.

"What's the title of that book?" She asked after a short rest. "Pelouse et Fremy, Notions generales..." Bazarov replied. "At the same time, I can also recommend Ganot, Traiteelementairedephysiqueexperimentale, whose illustrations are clearer. In general, this textbook..." -------- ① French: Garneau's "Fundamentals of Experimental Physics". Odintsova held out her hand to stop: "Excuse me, Yevgeny Vasiliich, but you were not invited here to discuss textbooks, but to resume our conversation yesterday, when you left so abruptly yesterday... you are not bored, are you? "

"I'm at your command, Anna Sergeyevna. But what did we talk about yesterday?" Odintsova cast a sidelong glance at Bazarov. "We talked about happiness, and I also told about myself. By the way, the word 'happiness' I mentioned just now, please explain, even when we are happy, such as listening to music, having a good night , When chatting with guests, why what we experience is not so much the reality, that is, the happiness we have, but a hint that the supreme happiness only exists in the mountains outside the mountains, in the sky outside the sky. sky?" "You know, there is an old saying that 'the mountain is higher than this one, and there is no time for man to be satisfied'," Bazarov replied, "you said yesterday that you were not satisfied.

As for me, such thoughts never entered my head. " "Perhaps you find the idea extremely ridiculous?" "No. But I never thought about it." "Really? I'd like to know what you're thinking, you know." "What do you mean? I don't understand you." "Listen to me, I've wanted to talk to you for a long time. Of course you have nothing to talk about, because you know that you are not an ordinary person, you are young and have a great future. But what are you going to do and what are you waiting for?" I want to ask: What kind of purpose do you intend to achieve? Where do you want to go? What are you thinking? In a word, who are you? What kind of person are you?"

"That surprises me, Anna Sergeyevna. You already know that I am a naturalist, and as to who I am..." "Yes, who are you?" "I have told you that I am a future county doctor." Anna Sergeyevna made an impatient gesture. "Why do you say that? You don't believe it yourself. Arkady can answer me in this way, and you..." "What about Arkady..." "Stop it! Can you really be satisfied with such small things? Don't you say that this is not your interest? Such a self-respecting person as you - a county doctor! You answer this to avoid me, because you are interested in I don't believe it. But, do you know, Yevgeny Vasilyitch, I can understand you, I too was poor at one time, I had the same self-esteem as you, and I may have had the same experiences as you."

"It's all very well, Anna Sergeyevna, but please excuse me... I'm not used to talking about myself in general, and besides, there's such a big gap between you and me..." "What kind of difference? . . . You say again, I'm a 'noble lady'? Come on, Yevgeny Vasilyitch, I've proved to you . . . " "Besides," interrupted Bazarov, "why is there any need to talk about the future? Most of the future is beyond our control. If there is an opportunity to pursue a career, that is of course good, but if there is no With such an opportunity, can’t we just be content with the status quo and be glad we didn’t waste our time talking about it?”

"You see friendly conversation as futile...or do you see me as a mere woman, not to be trusted? I know you despise us all!" "I never despised you, Anna Sergeyevna, you know that." "No, I don't know anything... Even if I understand that you don't want to talk about your future, then you can always talk about what's going on in your heart now..." "What happened!" Bazarov repeated her words, "as if I were a country or a society! It's not interesting to say that at all, and can 'what's happening' in the heart often be said aloud?"

"I don't see anything bad to say." "you can?" "Yes," replied Anna Sergeyevna, after a moment of hesitation. Bazarov lowered his head. "You are happier than me." Anna Sergeyevna looked at him questioningly. "You can think what you want," she went on, "but the feeling tells me we're not just meeting each other, we're going to be good friends, and I believe your—how shall I put it?—your nervousness, your depression The feeling will eventually go away." "You discovered my depression... you still say it's... tension?"

"yes." Bazarov got up and went to the window. "Do you really want to know the cause of my depression, what's going on inside me?" "Yes," said Odintsova again, with vague terror in her voice. "Are you not angry?" "No." "No?" Bazarov said, standing with her back, "then let me tell you, I love you so stupidly, so madly... You have finally forced my heart out." Odintsova spread her hands, while Bazarov pressed his forehead against the glass.He was panting with pain, and his whole body was shaking, but it was not the timid trembling of a young lad, nor the sweet terror of a first courtship, but a passion so overwhelmingly heavy and breathless that it was like anger. Or something like that... Odintsova was frightened and pitied him.

"Evgeny Vasilyitch," she said, with tenderness in her voice. Suddenly he turned around, cast greedy eyes on her, then took her hands, and hurriedly pulled her into his arms. She didn't break away from him immediately, but after a while she was standing in the corner watching him from a distance.He jumped at her again... "You don't understand me," she said in a terrified, low voice, as if if he took another step she would start screaming... Bazarov bit his lip and walked out. Half an hour later the maid gave Anna Sergeyevna a note from Bazarov.There was only one line on the note: "Should I leave today, or can I stay until tomorrow?" Anna Sergeyevna answered him: "Why should I go? I didn't understand you, and you didn't have time to understand me." She I was thinking to myself: "I don't understand myself either." She didn't show her face until lunch, but paced back and forth in the study alone with her hands behind her back, occasionally stopping at the window or in front of the mirror, and slowly wiping her neck with a handkerchief, feeling that there was a burning spot there.She repeatedly asked herself what prompted her to "force" the other person to tell the truth.Based on Bazarov's expression, hadn't she guessed a little bit about his frankness? ... "It's my fault," she said, "but I couldn't foresee it at the time." She fell into deep thought, thinking of Bazarov's ferocious face like a beast, remembering how he rushed towards her, she couldn't help but blush up. "Or?" she said, but stopped again, shaking her curly-haired head... She saw herself in the mirror, saw Wei Weihou's head raised, half-closed eyes and mouth, and the mysterious smile on the corner of her mouth. smile, she felt shy for talking to herself just now... "No," she finally made up her mind, "if you let it develop, God only knows what the ending will be. But you can't be kidding! It's better to be quiet in this world." Her peace was preserved, but she was sad and even cried.I don't know why I cry, but it's definitely not because I was bullied.She didn't feel insulted, no, rather because she was guilty: some vague feeling—a sense of passing years, a desire for something new—caused her to go to a certain limit and look beyond it.What she saw was not an abyss, but emptiness...or ugliness.