Chapter 19 nineteen

I would have found it very difficult if I had been compelled to give a detailed account of the changes in my mood during the week following the failure of my late-night expedition.This is a period of weird and violent fluctuations, and my heart is very chaotic.Some of the most conflicting emotions, thoughts, suspicions, hopes, joys, and pains were whirling in this confusion, and I was afraid to probe my inner world, if a child of sixteen could do so.I was afraid to find out the truth of the matter, I just wanted to get through the day quickly, and at night I fell asleep... The boy's unsorrowable temperament helped me, I didn't want to know if people loved me, and I didn't want to admit that they didn't not love me.I often avoid my father, but I cannot avoid Zinaïda... In her presence I burn like a fire... But why do I need to know what kind of fire I am burning and melting, but I feel melted It's comfortable and burns happily.I am immersed in feelings, I rise and fall with them, I am driven by them, I deceive myself, I no longer remember the past, I have a presentiment of what I feel is going to happen...

I also avoided seeing it... This kind of distress probably won't last long... A thunderbolt ended everything at once and threw me on a new track. Once I went for a rather long walk before coming home for lunch.I was surprised to know that I was the only one eating, my father was out, and my mother was not feeling well, didn't want to eat, and stayed in the bedroom.From the faces of the servants, I guessed that something unusual must have happened... I dare not ask them, but the young servant Philip who served me was my friend, he was a fanatic of poetry, and He's a good guitar player, so I asked him about it.I learned from him that there had been an extremely violent quarrel between my parents (every word could be heard clearly in the maid's room, most of them in French, and Martha, the maid, was in a Paris five years with her seamstress, she understands perfectly).My mother accused my father of being unfaithful and flirting with the neighbor's lady.My father was defensive at first, then lost his temper, and made some harsh remarks "as if about their age", which caused my mother to cry.Mother also mentioned the promissory note, which seemed to be given to the old princess.The mother said some nasty things about her and her daughter, so the father threatened her.

"This unfortunate incident," went on Philips, "caused by an anonymous letter, but no one knows who wrote it. Otherwise, how could it have come to light without any other reasons." "Is it true?" I struggled to say this, and at the same time my hands and feet were cold, and my heart trembled. Philip blinked meaningfully. "It's true. You can't hide these things. Your father is very careful this time, but, for example, he has to hire a carriage or something, and he can't do it without a servant to help him." I sent Philip away and threw myself on the bed, without crying or despairing; I didn't ask myself when or how it all happened; I didn't wonder why I , why I haven't guessed it for so long; I don't even complain about my father... I can't do anything about this matter that I know, because the sudden exposure of this matter also ruined me... everything is over.All the flowers of my soul were plucked at once, and they were scattered about me, trampled upon by doom.