Chapter 42 Chapter 04

Before I had time to go up the street, and before I had time to figure out what to do now, the base saw a buggy stop by the gate of our apartment building, and Alexandra Semyonovna took Nellie by the hand. Getting out of the car.she put She held on tightly, as if afraid that she would run away again.I hurried to them. "Nellie, what's the matter with you!" I cried. "Where are you going and what are you doing?" "Wait, don't be in a hurry; go to your room, and you'll know all about it when you get there," said Alexandra Semyonovna, chirping, "what I'm going to tell you is in doubt. , Ivan Petrovich." She hurried on the way

Said hastily, "I must surprise you... Hurry up, you will know as soon as you speak." The look on her face seemed to say that she had very important news to share. "Come on, Nellie, go and lie down for a while," said she, when we had entered the house, "are you tired; it's no joke to walk so much; and you're just sick, and I'm sure you're tired; Lie down, baby... Lie down, baby. Let's leave Leave here for a while, don't disturb her, let her sleep first. "After she finished speaking, she winked at me and asked me to go to the kitchen with her.

①The last week of Lent and the week before Easter commemorates the crucifixion of Christ.Easter is on the first Sunday after the vernal equinox full moon, so the time is uncertain, sooner or later (approximately between March 21st and April 25th in the Russian calendar). But Nellie did not lie down. She sat down on the sofa and put her hands to her face. We went out, and Alexandra Semyonovna hurriedly told me what was going on.Later I found out more details.It happened like this. Nellie left me a note about two hours before I got home and left me, and she ran off to the old doctor first.She had already found out his address.The doctor told me that he was petrified when he saw Nellie go to his house, and when she stayed

At that time, he had been "not believing his eyes". "I don't believe it till now," he added, after he had finished his story, "and never will believe it ever happened." Nellie did, however, visit his house. He when Shi was sitting quietly in his study, sitting on an armchair, wearing pajamas, drinking coffee, when she ran in, before he had time to figure out what was going on, she ran over to hug him on his neck, she cries, hugs him, kisses him , kissed both his hands, and earnestly, though incoherently, begged him to take her and let her live with him; she said she would not and could not live with me any longer. , that's why she left me; she said she couldn't bear it;

She will never tease him again, and never mention new clothes again. She must behave herself in the future, study hard, and learn to "wash and iron his corsets" (she may have thought about what she wants to do on the way) All the things I said, maybe I thought about it earlier Maybe), in the end, she said that she will be obedient in the future, even if she takes medicine every day, she can take whatever medicine she wants.As for her saying in the past that she was going to marry him, that was just kidding, she never thought about it at all.The German old man opened his eyes in astonishment.

Mouth sat there with his hand raised, holding the cigar in his hand, forgetting about the cigar, and he didn't know when the cigar went out. "Mademoiselle," he said at last, regaining his ability to speak, "madam, as far as I understand, you mean to ask me to let you find something to do at my house. But it is impossible! You see, my Life is very tight, income is not much... Besides, to be so straightforward without even thinking about it...it's horrible!In the end, it seems to me that you escaped from your own home.This is not admirable, and it is impossible... Besides, I only allow you to go out for a little walk, on a sunny day.

, but must be under the guardianship of your Siren, but you left your benefactor and ran to me, and at this time, you should have taken care of your body...and...and...to take medicine.And, finally... finally, I don't know anything White……" Nellie didn't let him finish.She started crying again, and begged him again, but to no avail.The old man was more and more amazed, and more and more confused.At last Nellie had to leave him, and cry, "Oh, my God!" ――While talking, he ran out of the room. "I was ill all day that day," added the doctor, ending his account, and ordered a dose of decoction before going to bed. "

① The original text is a loanword (from French). And Nellie went straight to Masloboyev's house.She left their addresses with her, and finally found them, though with no difficulty.Masloboyev happened to be at home, and when Alexandra Sapling Novna heard that Nellie begged them to take her in, After letting her live with them, she was so surprised that she raised her hands and clapped them.She asked Nellie: Why is she like this, does she feel uncomfortable living with me? --Nellie didn't answer anything.Instead, he threw himself on a chair and cried loudly. "She cried to death

Come on," Alexandra Semyonovna told me, "I think she'll cry to death if she keeps crying like this. "Nellie begged bitterly, even if she was allowed to be a maid, even if she was allowed to be a stepmother, she said that she would sweep the floor, and she would definitely learn to wash. Clothes (she pinned her hopes especially on this laundry, which she somehow considered one of the most attractive reasons for taking her in).It was Alexandra Semyonovna's opinion that she should be left at their house until something happened. Let's talk when we figure it out, and let me know that Nellie is at their house.But Philip Philippe was firmly opposed to this, and ordered the deserter to be sent back immediately to me.On the way, Alexandra Semyonoguana embraced her again, and

It was kissing her, which made Nellie cry even more.Alexandra Semyonovna also wept at her.In this way, the two cried and cried all the way. "Nellie, why don't you want to live with him, why; does he bully you?" Alexandra Semyonovna asked tearfully. "No, you didn't bully me." "Well, then why?" "No reason, anyway, I don't want to live with him...I can't...I'm always so fierce to him...but he is so kind...But in your house, I will definitely not be fierce, I want to work, ' she said, crying hysterically . "Then why were you so hard on him, Nellie?"

"No reason……" "I asked her for a long time before I asked this 'no why,'" concluded Alexandra Semyonovna, wiping away her tears. "What a miserable life for the child? Could it be that he has a convulsion?" What do you think, Von Petrovich?" We went in to see Nellie; she was lying with her head in the pillow, crying.I knelt by her bed, took her hands and began to kiss.She withdrew her hand, and wept again, and more violently.i don't know She says what to say.Just at this moment, old Ikhmenev came in. "Ivan, I have business with you, hello!" he said, looking at us all, surprised to see me on my knees.Recently, his old man has been sick.He's thinner and pale, but he seems to be dissatisfied with someone As if losing, regardless of his illness, and Anna Andreyevna's repeated persuasion, he refused to lie down, but continued to run around for his own affairs. "I'll take my leave first," said Alexandra Semyonovna, looking intently at the old man. "Philip Philippech told me to go back as soon as possible. We have something to do. It will be dark in the evening." I will come to see you again when two hours. " "Who is she?" the old man asked me in a low voice, he obviously wanted to go elsewhere.I explained. "Oh, Ivan, I have something to do with you..." I know why he's here, and I've been waiting for his visit.He was coming to talk to me and Nellie, to get her from me.Anna Andreyevna finally agreed to adopt the orphan girl after all her talk.It's because I'm having sex with her It took several secret conversations before she agreed: I persuaded Anna Andreevna, I told her that the orphan's mother was also cursed by her father, and that the sight of the orphan might change his old ways. , changed my mind.I am very Vividly explained her plan to her, and now she herself is pestering her husband to adopt the orphan girl.The old man set to work with great pleasure: he thought, first, that he would be able to please Anna Andreyevna in this way, and, second, that he would I have plans... But I will talk about all this in detail later... I have already said that Nellie had disliked the old man from his first visit.Later I noticed that whenever Ikhmenev's name was mentioned in her presence, her face showed hatred.The old man immediately began to talk about business, not Beat around the bush.He went up to Nellie (who was still lying with her face tucked into the pillow), took her hand, and asked; would she come and live with him, and be his daughter? "I had a daughter, I loved more than myself," said the old man at last, "but now she is not with me. She is dead. Would you like to come to our house . . . and in my heart To take her place?" Tears welled up in his impassive and bloodshot eyes from the high fever. "No, I don't want to," Nellie answered, without looking up. "Why, my child? You have no relatives. Ivan can't keep you with him forever, and you come to my house as if you were coming to your own." "I don't want to, because you are bad. Yes, you are bad and you are bad," she added, facing the old man, and sat on the bed. "I'm bad too, worse than anyone else, but you are worse than me! . . . " Nellie turned pale as she said this, and the two Her eyes sparkled; even her quivering lips grew pale and slanted with the sudden onslaught of some powerful feeling.The old man looked at her in bewilderment. "Yes, worse than me, because you won't forgive your daughter; you want to forget her altogether, and that's why you want to adopt another child. Can your own be forgotten? Will you love me? When you see me you think I'm not Your own child, you have your own daughter, but you have forgotten her yourself, because you are cruel.I don't want to live in a cruel family, I don't want to, I just don't want to! . . . " Nellie whimpered, casting a quick glance at me. "Christ will rise the day after tomorrow, and everyone will kiss and hug each other, and all will be reconciled, and all wrongs will be forgiven... I knew it... only you, only you... huh! Cruel man! go away! " She said so with tears streaming down her face.She seemed to have thought about this passage long ago, and had already memorized it by heart, so she was planning to say it when the old man asked her to live in his house again.The old man was taken aback when he heard the words, and his face turned pale.There's a pained look on his face pain expression. "Why are you all so worried about me? Why bother? Why? I don't want to, I just don't want to!" cried Nellie suddenly in a state of ecstasy. "I'm going to beg!" "Nellie, what's the matter with you? Nellie, my friend!" I cried out, but my shouting only added fuel to the flames. "Yes, I'd better go and beg in the street, and I won't stay here," cried she, weeping bitterly. "My mother also begged, and she said to me when she was dying: I would rather be poor, I would rather beg than...begging is not Shameful: I am not begging from one person, but everyone is not alone: ​​begging from one person-shameful, but begging from everyone is not shameful; a female beggar told me so; because I am young, I have no place to earn money.So I'm going to the big home begging.But stay here, I don't want, I don't want, I don't want, I'm bad; I'm worse than all men; look, how bad I am! " Then, suddenly and quite unexpectedly, Nellie picked up a teacup from the little table and dropped it on the floor. "Look, it's broken now," she added, looking at me with defiant smugness. "There are two teacups," she added, "and I'm going to break the other one too. . . What do you drink your tea with?" She seemed to be mad, as if she felt a kind of pleasure in this madness, and she herself seemed to realize that this was shameful and not good, and at the same time, she seemed to be adding fuel to her own fire and continuing to mess around. ① means that the day after tomorrow is Easter. "The boy is sick, Vanya, I suppose so," said the old man, "or... I don't know what's the matter with the boy. Good-bye!" He took his hat and shook my hand.He seemed very sad; Nellie insulted him terribly; "You don't pity him, Nellie!" cried I, when we were left alone, "and you don't feel, don't feel ashamed! No, you're not a good man, and you have a bad heart!" I ran out after the old man without my hat on.I want to put He sent him to the gate, even if he said a few words to comfort him.I seemed to see Nellie's face, pale with my reproach, before me as I ran down the stairs. I quickly caught up with my old man. "The poor child has been greatly wronged, and she has her own sorrows, believe me, Ivan; it was I who boasted to her of my pain," he said with a wry smile, "and it was I who hurt her. wounds. As the saying goes, a full man does not know his hunger Hunger: I see, Vanya, and I must add: Hungry men don't understand hungry men, well, good-bye! " I wanted to gossip about him, say something irrelevant to him, but the old man just waved his hand. "Don't comfort me; you'd better be careful not to let your little girl run away again; she looks like she means it," he added indignantly, and then he hurried away with big strides, all the way Swinging a cane, tapping the pavement. He never expected to be hit by his unfortunate words. When I got home, to my horror, I couldn't find Nellie again at home--how I felt then!I rushed to the outer room, searched all over the stairs, looked for her, called her, even knocked on all the doors of the neighbors, Asked if they saw Nellie; I couldn't believe it, and didn't want to believe it: she'd run off again.How could she run away?There's a gate in this building; when I talk to the old man, she has to pass us.but make me ten I was very discouraged, and I quickly figured out that she could hide somewhere on the stairs first, and wait for me to come back, walk over and then run, so I would not meet her anyway.Anyway, she won't run far. Distraught, I ran out again to look for it, and left the door open, just in case. I first ran to Masloboyev's house.But the Masloboyevs were not at home, he was not there, and Alexandra Semyono was not anywhere.I left them a note telling them of the new misfortune and asking them if Nellie fucked him Let me know at once, and I went to the doctor; he was not at home, and a maid told me that Nellie had never been in except once in the morning.How to do it?I ran to Brenova, who I knew from the old coffin shop The hostess knew that the landlady had been taken to the police station for something since yesterday, and that Nellie had not been seen since then.Exhausted, I ran to Masloboyev's house again; the same answer: no one came, not even him. Neither of them came back.The note I wrote is still on the table.What should I do? It was very late when I went home very upset.I was going to see Natasha that evening; she sent for me in the morning.But I didn't even have a bite of rice that day, and the thought of Nellie made me so upset that I didn't know what to do. What to do. "What the hell is going on here?" I thought. "Is it possible that this disease has such incredible consequences? Is she crazy or going crazy? But, my God, where is she now? I'm going to Where can I find her?" While I was sighing, I looked up sharply and suddenly saw Nellie standing on the B bridge a few steps away from me; she was standing under the street lamp and didn't see me.I wanted to run up to her, but stopped again. "What is she doing here?" I asked in bewilderment. I thought, I'm sure I'll never lose her again now, so I decided to sit back and wait and see what she does.After about ten minutes, she has been standing, watching the passers-by.Finally came a well-dressed old gentleman, Nellie Then he walked to him: the old man didn't stop, but took out something from his pocket while walking, and handed it to her.She bowed to him.I just can't express how I feel at this moment.My heart aches; like there's a precious thing , what I loved, cherished and precious, was humiliated and spurned in front of me at this moment, but at the same time I couldn't help crying. Yes, I wept for poor Nellie, though at the same time I felt that I was not in one place: she was not begging because she was poor; she was not abandoned, abandoned, on the streets , to fend for itself; she did not come from She had run away from a cruel oppressor, but from a friend who loved and cared for her.She seemed to be building up something great, trying to surprise someone or frighten someone; she seemed to be bragging to someone, showing off As if to show off yourself!But a secret thing has gradually matured in her heart... Yes, the old man is right: she has been wronged a lot, and the wound in her heart cannot be healed, so she seems to deliberately use this kind of mystery, this is great for us She seems to be provoking her own wounds with the distrust of her family; she seems to be taking pleasure in her own pain, in this self-seeking of suffering (if you can call it that).This kind of mentality that stimulates my own trauma and takes pleasure in it, I understand : Many humiliated and damaged people who are tortured by fate and realize that fate is unfair to them have this kind of mentality of deliberately exacerbating their pain and taking pleasure in it.But what on earth could Nellie complain about us?how are we being unfair to her Woolen cloth?She seemed to surprise and frighten us with her capriciousness and erratic behavior, as if she were really bragging in front of us... But no!She is alone now, and none of us sees her others begging.Is she enjoying herself?What did she want this alms for?What would she want the money for? ① Refers to the Ascension Bridge on the Ekaterina Canal in Petersburg (now known as the Griboyev Canal). After accepting the alms offered to her, she walked down the bridge to the window of a brightly lit shop.Here she counted the money she had collected; I stood ten paces away from her.She already has a lot of money in her hand; Begging for a long time.With no money in her hand, she crossed the road.Went into a grocery store.I immediately went to the door of this little shop (the door was open) to see what she was doing in this shop I saw her put the money on the counter, and she was given a teacup, much like the one she broke this morning, that is, she was trying to show me and Ikhmenev how bad she was that teacup.This teacup costs about fourteen or five Ge Than, maybe not.The innkeeper wrapped the teacups in paper, tied them up, and handed them to Nellie, who hurried out of the shop happily. "Nellie!" I called when she came to me, "Nellie!" She shuddered and glanced at me, and the teacup slipped from her hand and fell to the road, where it shattered.Nellie was pale; but when she took one look at me, convinced that I saw and knew it all, she blushed; The flush on her face showed that she was ashamed and suffering.I took her by the hand and took her home; the road was not far.Along the way, we didn't say a word.When I got home, I sat down; Nellie stood in front of me, thoughtful and embarrassed. Embarrassed, her complexion was still very pale, she lowered her eyes and looked at the ground.She dared not look up at me. "Nellie, are you out asking for money?" "Yes!" she whispered, dropping her head even lower. "You want enough money to buy teacups and pay me for the one that was broken this morning?" "yes……" "But did I scold you and scold you for this teacup? Don't you see, Nellie, what a bad thing you do, what a smug thing you are? Is it good? Don't you feel ashamed?" Is it? Could it be..." "Ashamed..." she whispered in a barely audible voice, and a teardrop rolled down her cheek after she finished speaking. "Ashamed..." I repeated after her, "Nellie, if I'm sorry for you in any way, please forgive me and we'll make up." She took one look at me, tears welling up in her eyes, and she threw herself on my chest. At that moment Alexandra Semyonovna came in as if flying in. "What! She's at home? She's gone again! Why, Nellie, Nellie, what's the matter with you? Well, at least she's back... Where did you find her, Ivan Petrovitch?" I told Alexandra Semyonovna to stop asking with a wink, and she understood me.I took good-bye to Nellie, who was still weeping, and begged the kind Alexandra Semyonovna to sit here Stay with her until I come back, and I run off to Natasha.I'm late, so I'm in a hurry. This evening will decide our fate: I have a lot to say to Natasha, but I put in a few words about Nellie, and I tell her in detail everything that happened listened.The story I told interested Natasha , even surprised her. "I say Vanya," she said, after a moment's thought, "I think she loves you." "What...how can it be?" I asked in surprise. "Yes, this is the beginning of love, female love..." "What's the matter with you, Natasha, come on! She's a child!" "Almost fourteen. It's a hate that you don't understand her love, and maybe she doesn't understand herself; it's childish, but serious and painful. The main thing is that she is jealous of your kindness to me. You You love me so much, probably you only think about me at home, talk about me, think about me, so you seldom pay attention to her.She found this out, and it hurt her heart.Maybe she wants to talk to you and feels the need to open up to you. She is waiting for an opportunity, but instead of letting this opportunity come quickly, you alienate her, leave her, come to me, and even she gets sick Sometimes I would run outside all day long, leave her alone.That's what she's crying about: what she lacks is you, and what hurts her most is that you don't see it.She's going to be sick tomorrow because of it.How could you leave her and come to me?go back, go back to her ..." "I didn't mean to leave her, but..." "Yes, I invited you here. But now, go back quickly." "Let's go now, but, needless to say, I don't believe a word of this." "Because all this is different from others. You think about what happened to her, and you will believe it after thinking about everything. She grew up in a different environment from us..." I'm still going back late.Alexandra Semyonovna told me that Nellie was crying again as on that day, "and fell asleep again with tears in her eyes," just as on that day. "I'm going now, Ivan Petrovich, Philip So did Lip Felipech.He's waiting for me, it's a pity. " I thanked her and sat on the head of Nellie's bed.I feel bad myself that I should leave her alone at such a time.I sat beside her for a long time after thinking about it, and sat until it was deep. Night... this is a time that breeds misfortune. But first I must tell you what happened in the past two weeks...