Chapter 17 Chapter 15

Natasha was alone at home when I went.With her fists in her chest, she was very preoccupied, walking up and down the room quietly thoughtfully.There is a samovar on the table, which has been waiting for me and is about to be extinguished.She silently extended her hand to me and smiled. She was pale and sickly.There was an expression of pain and tenderness and resignation in her smile.Her blue, bright eyes seemed bigger than ever, and her hair seemed to grow thicker--it all seemed so because of Thin and sick. "I thought you weren't coming," she said while holding out her hand to me, "I even asked Mav to come to your house to ask; I thought, you won't be sick again?"

"No, I'm not ill. I've been delayed. I'll tell you what's going on right away. What's the matter with you, Natasha? What's the matter?" "Nothing happened," she answered, as if surprised. "What's the matter?" "You wrote to me...the letter was written yesterday, and you asked me to come, and you set a time, neither early nor late; it's a bit unusual." "Oh, yes! Because I was expecting him yesterday." "What's the matter with him, he still hasn't come?" "Not coming. So I thought: If he doesn't come, I should have a good talk with you," she added after a moment of silence.

"Then, you also waited for him tonight?" "No, didn't wait for him; he was there at night." "What do you think, Natasha, that he will never come at all?" "Needless to say, he'll come," she replied, looking at me with an oddly serious look. She doesn't like my barrage of questions.The two of us remained relatively silent and continued walking up and down the room. "I've been waiting for you, Vanya," she began, smiling again, "you know what I'm doing? I'm walking up and down reciting books; remember,—Little Bell, Winter's Road:'I The samovar is boiling on the oak table...', we two

We even recited together: The blizzard ceases; a snowy road shines, Open thousands of hazy sleepy eyes, the night is watching... Below is: I suddenly heard a passionate voice singing, accompanied by small tinkling Bell file: 'Ah, one day, one day my lover, 'Come and rest on my chest! 'How beautiful my life is!dawn reflected in the glass, 'Frolicking with the cold, glowing faintly, 'My tea boils on the oak table, 'My stove is crackling, 'Illuminate the bed behind the curtain in the corner...'① "How well written it is! How sad the lines are, Vanya, and what a wonderful and vast picture. It is simply a white cloth for embroidery, with only a few patterns sketched--you can embroider whatever you like Embroider whatever you want. Two

Sensations: previous and recent.This samovar, this calico—all this is so intimate... This is like the home of a small townsman in the small county where we lived; I seem to see this home: the house is new, built with logs , the wall has not yet been paneled... Then there is another picture: Suddenly I heard the same voice singing, With little bells ringing mournfully: 'Where is my lover now?I'm afraid he broke in, 'Hug me, love lasts! 'What a life I live! -- crowded and dark, 'Lonely again, my boudoir; the wind blows through the window... 'There is only one cherry growing lonely outside the window,

’ But even this could not be seen, through the frost-stained window; 'Maybe it has already frozen to death, no longer melancholy. 'What a life I live!The color of the calico bed-curtain has faded; 'I wandered around the boudoir sickly, and did not visit my relatives, ① Here and below are the poems "Little Bell File" (1854) by the Russian poet Polonsky (1819-1898). 'Nobody scolds me because I don't have a lover... 'Only the old woman is chattering, muttering...' "'I wandered sickly in the boudoir'... how well this 'sickly' is used here! 'No one scolded me',--how much tenderness is in this line, recalling the present and recalling the past, How much pain is there, and how much self-consciousness is in it?

Complaining, looking for distress, and taking pleasure in self-admiration... Lord, what a poem!This situation is too many, too common! " She closed her mouth, as if trying to hold back a sob that was welling up in her throat. "My good man, Vanya!" she said to me a moment later, but fell silent again, as if she had forgotten what she was about to say, or she was just saying something, without thinking, out of A sudden impulse. Meanwhile, we kept walking up and down the house.An oil lamp was burning before the icon.Of late, Natasha had become more devout, more and more convinced of God, but she didn't like being told about it.

"What, tomorrow is the holiday?" I asked, "You lit the lamp." "No, it's not the holidays... What's the matter, Vanya, sit down, you must be tired. Would you like some tea? Haven't you ever had tea?" "Sit down, both of us, Natasha. I've had my tea." "Where are you from now?" "From them." That's how she and I always refer to our hometown. "From them? How did you manage to go there and here again? Did you go by yourself, or did they send you?" She asked me a bunch of questions at once.Her face grew even paler with excitement.I told her in detail how I met the old man on the road, the conversation with her mother, and the necklace pendant-I told her in detail, and

Lifelike.I never hide anything from her.She listened with pricked ears, catching every word I said.There were tears in her eyes.The matter of the necklace pendant moved her very much. "Wait, wait, Vanya," she said, interrupting me now and then. "Speak in detail, everything, everything, the more detailed the better, you just didn't say enough detail!..." I repeated it two or three times, and from time to time answered her question after question about the details. "Do you really think he wants to come here to see me?" "I don't know, Natasha, I'm not even sure what it is all about. As for he misses you and loves you, that's for sure; but he wants to see you, this... this..."

"He also kissed the necklace pendant?" She interrupted me, "What did he say when he kissed?" "He didn't say what he said, and he kept calling the sky and the earth; he called you by the most affectionate name, calling you..." "Call me?" "yes." She cried out in a low voice. "Poor them!" she said. "If he knew all about it," she added, after a moment's silence, "it would be no wonder. He knew a lot about Alyosha's father, too." "Natasha," I said timidly, "let's go and see them..."

"When?" she asked, her face turned pale, and she almost stood up from the armchair.She thought I told her to go right away. "No, Vanya," she added, putting her hands on my shoulders and smiling sadly, "no, dear; here you go again, but . . . let's not talk about that." "Is this dreadful quarrel never, ever to be over!" I cried sadly; "is your pride so strong that you refuse to take the first step! The step is yours to take; You should take the first step. Maybe you Father is waiting to forgive you...he is father; he is mad at you!You have to respect his self-esteem; it is reasonable and natural!You should.You might as well try, he will forgive you unconditionally. " "Unconditionally! It's impossible; and please don't get me wrong, Vanya. I've thought about it day and night. There hasn't been a day since I left them that I haven't thought about it. Besides, we The two pairs have also discussed this issue Too many times!You know it yourself, it's impossible! " "You try it!" "No, my friend, no, it would only make him hate me more even if he tried. There is no way to bring back what is gone forever, and you know what never comes back again? That is The childhood I spent with them, the happy years I spent moon.Even if my father had forgiven me, he would probably not recognize me now.He loved a little girl, a big boy.What he appreciates is the innocence of my childhood; when he caresses me, he touches my head lightly, as if I were seven years old The little girl, sitting on his lap, like when she sang nursery rhymes to him.From when I was very young, until the last day I left to worship them, he would come to my bed, cross me, and wish me good night.A month before our misfortune he bought me I bought a pair of earrings and kept it from me (in fact, I knew all about it). He imagined that I would be happy when I saw this gift, and he was as happy as a child, but then he heard me Tell him I already knew about the earrings, He was very angry, angry with everyone, first of all he was angry with me.Three days before I left, he found me morose, he immediately mopeed himself, nearly fell ill, and, guess what?In order to make me happy, he had an idea Move, actually bought me a theater ticket! . . . indeed, he intends to cure my moroseness by this method!I tell you again, he knows and loves a little girl and he doesn't even think about it, someday I too will grow up and be a Woman...he didn't think about it at all. If I go back now, he won't recognize me.Even if he was willing to forgive me, who would he meet now?I've changed, I'm not a child anymore, I've tasted all the sweets and sours of the world Bitter.Even if I pretended to cater to him, he would moan, lament the lost happiness, lament that I was completely changed, that I was different, that I was a child and that he loved me; it always seemed better!But the past Ruyan, I can't bear to look back!Ah, how good things were in the past, Vanya! ' she exclaimed, fascinated herself, and interrupted herself with this exclamation that came from the bottom of her heart in pain. "You are right in all that, Natasha," I said. "It means that he must now get to know you anew, and love you anew. The most important thing is to get acquainted again. Isn't it? He will love you. Will he?" You don't think he can get to know you and understand you Well, he, he, such a heart! " "Oh, Vanya, don't get me wrong! Is there something special about me that you need to know? That's not what I mean. You know, too: fatherly love is jealous too. He's angry. The thing is, from the beginning to the end of the affair with Alyosha The solution was all behind his back, he didn't know, and ignored it.He knew that he didn't even foresee such a thing coming, so he blamed the unfortunate consequences of our love, my elopement, on my 'ungrateful' silence.from the beginning At the beginning, I didn't go to him, and later, I never disclosed to him every activity in my heart from the beginning of my love; on the contrary, I hid everything in my heart, hiding it from him, and I won't hide it from you. , Vanya, in the depths of his selfishness, I This was more painful and irritating to him than the consequences of this love itself, namely my running away from home and giving myself completely to my lover.Even if he would do his fatherly duty and welcome me back warmly and graciously, the seeds of hostility would still linger. stay.By the second day, by the third day he will feel sad, confused, and will constantly complain and complain.Besides, he will not forgive me unconditionally.Even if I tell him the truth, take out all the words in my heart and tell him how right I am I am sorry for him, and I know how much I have caused him to be humiliated.If he won't understand how much this whole happiness with Alyosha has cost me, and how much I have endured myself--I will be bitter about it, but I will bite Grinding his teeth, suppressing the pain in his heart, enduring it all - but even that would never be enough for him.He will ask me to make impossible compensation; he will ask me to curse my past, curse Alyosha, change my past, and never love Alyosha.he asked me To do the impossible for me - to bring the past back, to wipe the last six months out of our lives.But I will never curse anyone, and I will never change my past...It's over, now that it's happened...No, Not now, Vanya.The time has not yet come. " "Then when will it be time?" "I don't know . . . it will take a lot of suffering to regain our future happiness grudgingly; to buy it at the price of new suffering. Suffering purifies everything . . . Well, Vanya, how much is there in life Pain!" I stayed silent and looked at her thoughtfully. "Why do you look at me like that, Alyosha, oh, wrong—Vanya?" she said, smiling slightly at her mistake. "I see you laughing now, Natasha. Where did you learn to smile like that? You didn't laugh like that before." "What's the point of me laughing?" "There's still the childlike innocence of the old days, really... but your heart seems to be hurting somehow when you laugh. Look, you've lost weight, Natasha, but your hair seems to have changed." It's getting thicker and denser...You're wearing what clothes?Do you still make it at home? " "How much you love me, Vanya!" she replied, giving me an affectionate look. "Well, you, what are you doing now? How are you doing?" "No change; still writing novels; but it's laborious and not easy. The inspiration is dry. Without thinking, the letter is written, maybe it's okay, maybe it's vivid; but it's a pity to spoil a good subject. it's me A beloved theme of .But we have to catch up with the deadline, so we must deliver the manuscript on time and send it to the magazine.I don’t even want to write a novel anymore, I’ll hurry up and conceive a novella first, conceive something light and beautiful, absolutely not dark and gloomy... absolutely Yes, can't... Everyone should be happy and happy! ..." "What a poor hard worker you are! How's Smith?" "Isn't Smith dead?" "Didn't come to see you? I'm telling you the truth, Vanya: you're sick, you've got neurotic problems, you're always thinking wildly. When you told me you were going to rent that house, I found out that you Problem. How is it, the house is damp, isn’t it good?” "Yes! Another thing happened to me this evening... But, let's talk about it later." She wasn't listening to me anymore, she was sitting there, lost in thought. "I don't understand how I left them and ran away from home; I was ill with a fever," she said at last, looking at me as if she did not demand an answer. That's right.Even when I talk to her, she can't hear what I'm saying. "Vanya," she said in a barely audible voice, "I invite you. There is something I want to discuss with you." "What's up?" "I want to break up with him." "Have you broken up, or are you going to break up?" "It's time to end this kind of life. I asked you here to tell you everything, to tell you what I have been worrying about and what I have been hiding from you so far." When she told me her secret plan, she always It started like this, and the result Almost always all these secrets I have heard her tell. "Oh, Natasha, I've heard you say that a thousand times! Of course, you can't live together anymore; your relationship is a bit odd; you have nothing in common with each other. But ... you are so cruel." Do you want to make up your mind?" "It was only a plan, Vanya; now I've made up my mind. I loved him so much that I became his arch-enemy; I'm ruining his future. He should be set free. He Impossible to marry me. He dare not talk to His father was right.I also don't want to tie his hands and feet.So he fell in love with the fiancée who promised him, and I was happy.It was easier for him to break up with me.I must!This is a matter of no turning back... Since I love him, I should When I sacrifice everything for him, I should prove my love to him. This is my bounden duty!Isn't it right? " "But you can't convince him." "I don't even want to convince him at all. I'm going to treat him as I always have, even if he comes in now. But I have to find a way for him to leave me easily and with a clear conscience. What I'm struggling with is This thing, Vanya; Please help me.Can you give me some advice? " "There's only one way," I said, "to not love him, to blow him up, to fall in love with someone else, but that's already deserting you; but as long as you write him a letter saying you'll leave him automatically and he'll come to you right away . " "Why on earth do you dislike him, Vanya?" "I!" "Yes, you, you! You are his nemesis, both in secret and in public! When you talk about him, you get a itch. I've seen it a thousand times, and your greatest pleasure is to belittle him." And smear him in the face! It is smear. I He is telling the truth! " "You've told me that all over again. That's enough, Natasha; let's not talk about him." "I really want to move, and I have a house," she continued after a moment's silence, "please don't be angry, Vanya..." "So what, he moved me too, and I, God testify, I'm not angry." "Love is strong; new love will hold him back. Even if he comes back to me, he will stay for a while and go away, don't you think?" "I don't know, Natasha. There's no reason for anything about him. He wants to marry her and love you. As if he could do both at the same time." "If I'm sure he loves her, I'm all set. . . Vanya! Don't hide anything from me! Do you know something and don't want to tell me?" She looked at me with an uneasy, inquiring look. "I don't know anything, my friend, I assure you; I have never had anything to say to you. But I have a thought: perhaps he was not so in love with the countess' daughter as we imagined, and it is hard to tell." It's hard to separate. It's nothing more than a moment Just obsessed. " "You really think so, Vanya? God, if only I could be sure! Oh, how I wish I could see him now, if only to see him! One look at his face makes me know everything." It’s clear! But he won’t come! He won’t come!” "Are you waiting for him, Natasha?" "No, he's with her; I know; I sent to find out. How I wish I could see her too. . . . I say Vanya, and I'm talking nonsense again, but can't I see her?" Is she, you can't meet her anywhere? What do you think? " She waited anxiously for my answer. "It's possible to see her. But it's no use seeing her." "It's enough to see her, I know her when I see her. Listen to me: I've become a fool; walking here and there, always alone, always alone—always thinking ;Thoughts are flat, like a whirlwind, overwhelming! I figured out a way, Vanya: can you get to know her?You know, the countess praised your novels (you told me yourself at the time); don't you sometimes go to parties at Duke P's; she often goes too.you think Way to get someone to introduce you to her.Otherwise, maybe Aleshe would introduce you to her.That way, you can tell me everything about her. " "Natasha, my friend, let's talk about it later. I just want to ask you one thing: do you really think you'll have the courage to part with him? Now look at yourself; do you really give up?" ?” ① Duke P may refer to Duke Odoevsky (1803-1869).After the publication of "The Poor", Dostoevsky often went to participate in the literary and music salons hosted by him. "I-would-!" she replied, her voice almost inaudible. "It's all for him! My whole life is for him! But you know, Vanya, what I can't stand is that he's with her now and forgetting about me. He Sitting next to her, talking and laughing, do you remember, like he used to sit here... staring at her; Here... with you. " She didn't finish her sentence, and glanced at me very sadly. "Natasha, then why did you just say, a while ago..." "Let's break up together, let's break up together!" She interrupted me with a high air. "I wish him a happy marriage myself. But, Vanya, it doesn't feel like he's the first to forget me, does it? Well, Vanya, what a shame." pain!I don't even understand myself: it's one thing to calm down and think about it, another to do it!I really don't know what else will happen to me! " "Come, come, Natasha, don't worry! . . . " "It's been five days, every hour, every minute . " "Come on, Natasha." "No, I must! That's why I've been waiting for you, Vanya! I've been thinking about it for three days. That's why I'm writing to you. . . . You must go with me; you won't This request of mine should be denied.... I have been waiting for you... I've been waiting for three days...there's a party there today...he's there...let's go! " She seemed delirious and talking nonsense.There was noise from the outer room; Mafra seemed to be arguing with someone. "Wait, Natasha, who is it?" I asked, "Listen!" She listened attentively and smiled disapprovingly, but her face suddenly turned pale. "My God! Who is it?" she said in a barely audible voice. She wanted to grab me and not let me go out, but I went out anyway and went into the outer room to see what was going on with Mavra, and it was as expected!That man was Alyosha.He was questioning Mafra about something; she wouldn't let him in at first. "Where did you come from?" She commanded and said domineeringly. "What? Where have you been loitering? Well, go in, go in! You don't want to flatter me! Go in; what else do you have to say?" "I'm not afraid of anyone! I'll make it up!" said Alyosha, but with a little embarrassment. "Go over! You are too good at taking advantage of loopholes!" "I'm going in! Ah! You're here, too," he said, seeing me. "It's very good that you're here! I'm not coming; you see; what shall I do now..." "You can go in," I replied, "what are you afraid of?" "I'm not afraid of anything, I assure you, because, by God, I'm not to blame. Do you think it's all my fault? Look, I'll explain my innocence right away. Natasha, can you come in?" He stood by the closed door Ex-bluffing, mustering up courage, exclaimed. No one answered. "What's the matter?" he asked uneasily. "Nothing, she was still in there just now," I replied, "unless..." Alyosha opened the door cautiously, and timidly scanned the room with his eyes.Not a single person. Suddenly, he saw her standing in a corner, between the wardrobe and the window, as if hiding, half dead.I can't help but laugh when I think about it now.Alyosha approached her lightly and cautiously. "Natasha, what's the matter with you? Hello, Natasha," he said timidly, looking at her with some fear. "How should I put it, um...it's nothing!..." She replied in embarrassment, as if it was all her fault. "Do you... want tea?" "Listen to me, Natasha..." said Alyosha, completely bewildered. "Maybe, you firmly believe that I should be blamed... But I am innocent; I am completely innocent! You must understand, I will tell you." "Why bother?" Natasha whispered. "No, no, there's no need...give me your hand...it's over...as usual..." She said and walked out of the corner Come out; a red cloud flew out from the cheeks. She looked at the ground as if afraid of looking up and seeing Alyosha. "Oh, my God!" he exclaimed joyfully, "if it's really my fault for doing such a thing, I dare not look up at her! Look, look!" he cried to me, " Look at the way she looks: she thinks it's all my fault; Bar and unhappy look!I haven't been here for five days!Someone said I was at the fiancée's place - so what?She has forgiven me!She had said: 'Give me your hand and it's over! 'Natasha, darling, my angel, my Angel!Don't blame me, you have to understand this!Don't blame me at all!on the contrary!Quite the opposite! " "But . "At half-past ten! I did go there... but I said I was sick, and I went--for the first time in five days, the first time I was free, and at last I was able to get away from them and go here Come to see you, Natasha. In other words, I used to be able to come, but I didn't come on purpose!why?You'll see in a moment, and I'm going to make it right; that's what I've come to do; but, God behold, I didn't do you any wrong this time, not one iota. The slightest!Nothing! " Natasha raised her head and glanced at him... But the look in his answer was so honest, and his face was so happy, so honorable, so gay, that it was impossible not to believe that what he said was true. of.I think they must There will be a cheer and throw each other into each other's arms, which has happened many times in the past in similar reconciliation situations.But Nataz seemed to be so happy that she was so happy that she felt sad.She lowered her head and suddenly... cried softly .Then Alyosha couldn't stand it any longer, and threw himself at her feet.He kissed her hands and feet; as if mad.I pushed an armchair towards her: she sat down.Her legs went limp for a while.