Chapter 18 Chapter Eighteen

Pierre couldn't sleep for a long time that night; he walked up and down the bedroom, frowning at times, thinking deeply about some embarrassing thing, suddenly shrugging his shoulders, trembling all over, and now smiling happily. He thought of Prince Andrew, of Natasha, of their love, and now he was jealous of her past, now he blamed himself for it, now he excused himself for it.It was already six o'clock in the morning, and he was still pacing back and forth in the bedroom. "Well, what should I do? Is it necessary to do this? What should I do?! That is to say, it should be done this way." He said to himself, and hastily undressed, went to bed, He feels happy and excited, carefree.

"How strange and impossible this happiness may be, I will do my best to be married to her," he said to himself. Pierre had decided a few days before to leave for Petersburg on Friday.When he woke up on Thursday morning, Saveliitch came in and asked him to pack. "Why, to Petersburg? What is Petersburg? Who is in Petersburg?" he asked involuntarily, though he was asking himself. "Oh yes, it seems like a long time ago, before this happened, I did intend to go to Petersburg for some reason," he recalls. "What is it all about? Maybe I'll go. What a man he is, how careful he is, and remembers everything so clearly," he looked at Saveliitch's old face, "what a smile he has." Happy!" he thought.

"Saveliitch, why don't you want to be free at all?" asked Pierre. "My lord, why should I be free? When the old count was alive—may he go to heaven, live with you now, serve you, and have never been ill-treated." "And what about your children?" "The children are all right, my lord; one can live with such masters." "But what will happen to my heir?" said Pierre. "I got married suddenly... you know it's quite possible," he added with an involuntary smile. "I venture to say: it is a good thing, my lord." "He thinks of it so easily," thought Pierre. "He didn't know how terrible it was, how dangerous it was. Too soon or too late...terrible!"

"What orders do you have? Are you going to-morrow?" asked Saveliitch. "It's nothing, I'll put it off for a while. I'll tell you then. You'll forgive me for giving you trouble," said Pierre, looking at Saveliitch's smiling face and thinking: "How strange it is." , he doesn't know yet, there's no question of Petersburg now, he doesn't know yet, the most urgent thing is to make a decision on that matter. Maybe he does know already, but he's just pretending not to know. Tell him something What does he think?" Pierre thought. "Forget it, let's talk about it later."

At breakfast Pierre told the princess that he had met — guess what — yesterday at Princess Marya’s?Met Natasha Rostova! The princess's expression showed that she could not see that this news was any more special than when Pierre saw Anna Semyonovna. "Do you know her?" asked Pierre. "I've seen the princess," she answered, "and I've heard that she and young Rostov have been matched. It's a very good thing for the Rostov family, and they're completely ruined, I hear. " "No, do you know Rostova?" "I just heard about it at the time, which is a shame."

"Yes, she still doesn't understand, or pretends not to know," Pierre thought, "it's best not to tell her." The princess also prepared food for Pierre on the road. "They're all so kind," thought Pierre. "Those things probably wouldn't be of much interest to them, and yet they all did it, all for my sake; it's amazing." On this day, the chief of police also came to see Pierre and asked him to send someone to the Duolingo Palace to retrieve the things that were due to be returned to their original owners today. "The same is true of this man," thought Pierre, looking into the face of the prefect of police. "What a lovely, handsome officer, what a good man! Now he cares about such little things. Some people say he is dishonest and enjoys himself. What nonsense! But why doesn't he enjoy himself? That's how he was brought up. All That's what most people do. When he looked at me, he smiled and looked so kind and pleasant."

Pierre went to lunch at Princess Mary's. He drove down the street lined with houses that had been destroyed by fire, and was amazed by the beauty of the ruins.The chimneys of the houses and the ruins of the broken walls extend in the urban area that has been burned by the fire, covering each other. This situation is like a vivid reappearance of the Rhine and the remains of the Roman theater.The coachmen, the passengers, the carpenters who made the frames, the women merchants, and the shopkeepers, all of whom he met, were cheerful and radiant, and looked at Pierre as if to say: " Here, here he is! Let us see what happens."

When he entered Princess Marya's house, Pierre even began to doubt himself. He wondered whether he had really been here yesterday; he wondered whether he had seen Natasha and talked to her. Excuse me. "Maybe it's my own illusory dream. Maybe I won't see anyone after I enter the room." However, before he had time to enter the room, he lost his autonomy in an instant, and his whole body and mind were shaken. Feel, she is there.There she was, still wearing the black bragi with soft pleats, she had the exact same hairstyle as yesterday, and yet, she was a completely different person.If she had been like this when he came in yesterday, it would be impossible for him not to recognize her for a moment.

She remained almost as she remembered her as a child and later as Prince Andrew's fiancée.There was always a merry, inquiring look in her eyes; there was always tenderness and a strange mischievous expression on her face. After lunch, Pierre intended to sit up all night; but Princess Marya was going to vespers, and Pierre went with them. Pierre came early the next day.After lunch, the whole evening was spent.Although Princess Marya and Natasha were evidently welcome to their guests, and although the whole interest of Pierre's life was now centered in the family, yet, towards evening, they had exchanged all they had to talk about. After that, the topic of their conversation kept jumping from one trivial matter to another, and the conversation was often interrupted.That night Pierre sat until very late, so that Princess Marya and Natasha looked at each other from time to time. Obviously, they were looking forward to Pierre's early departure.Pierre had seen this, but he could not leave.His heart felt heavy and awkward, and he sat there motionless because he couldn't get up, couldn't move away.

Princess Marya didn't know how long this situation would last. She stood up first, declared that she had a headache, and left. "So you're leaving for Petersburg to-morrow?" she said. "No, I'm not going," Pierre declared hastily, as if aggrieved, with a surprised expression. "No, to Deborah? Tomorrow; I'm not going to say goodbye yet, I'm still going to see if there's anything I need to do," he said, standing in front of Princess Marya, his face flushed, But did not leave. Natasha gave him her hand and walked out of the room.Princess Marya, on the other hand, instead of leaving, sat down in an armchair, and her flickering, deep eyes were serious and intent on Pierre.Obviously, the sleepiness she had clearly shown before that.It has now been completely wiped out.She sighed deeply, as if preparing to have a long talk with him.

As soon as Natasha left the room, Pierre's panic and embarrassment disappeared completely and were replaced by an eager and excited mood.He hastily moved an armchair to Princess Marya's side. "Yes, I want to say to you," he said, as if in answer to her words, and to her eyes, "Princess, help me, what should I do?" Is there any hope for me? Princess, my friend, listen to me. I understand it all. I know I am not worthy of her; I know I cannot speak of it yet. But I want To be her brother. No, that's not what I mean... I don't want to, it can't be..." He paused, rubbed his eyes with his hands, and rubbed his face. "That's right, it's like that," he went on, obviously trying to control himself and make his words as coherent as possible. "I don't know at all when I fell in love with her. However, I only love her, and I only love her in my life. Without her, it is difficult to imagine how I will live. At the present time, I have not decided to propose to her, but it is terrible to think that she may be my wife one day, and that I lose this opportunity...opportunity. Please tell me, can I have hope? Please tell me what I should do, my dear princess," he said, and after a short silence he touched her hand, as she did not answer. "I am thinking about what you have said to me," replied Princess Marya. "What I want to say to you is this, you are right, you have shown her your love now..." The princess stopped.She wanted to say that it was impossible to express his love to her now, but she did not say it, because she had noticed a sudden change in Natasha during the last three days, and if Pierre now poured out his love to her, Not only would Natasha not feel humiliated, but she hoped so. "Show her now... no," said Princess Marya at last. "Then what should I do?" "You leave it to me," said Princess Marya, "I know that..." Pierre looked straight into Princess Marya's eyes. "Okay, okay..." he said. "I know she loves...she will love you," Princess Marya corrected herself. Before she could finish these words, Pierre jumped up and grasped Princess Marya's hand in a panic. "Why do you think that? Do you think there is hope for me? Do you think?! ..." "Yes, I think so," said Princess Marya, "you write a letter to her parents. You leave it to me. I will tell her in due course. I wish the matter every success." , I already feel in my heart that this matter will definitely succeed.” "No, it can't be done! How happy I am! But it can't be done... How happy I am! No, it can't be done!" said Pierre, kissing Princess Marya's hand. "Go to Petersburg; that's better. I'll write to you," she said. "To Petersburg? To there? Very well, I will. Is it possible that I will come again to-morrow?" The next day Pierre came to say goodbye.Natasha was not as lively as the previous day; but Pierre sometimes looked into Natasha's eyes on this day, and he felt that he himself was melting, that neither he nor she existed anymore. , only a feeling of happiness. "Could it be true? No, it can't be," he said to himself, and every look, every gesture, every word of hers filled his heart with joyful passion. When he said goodbye to her, he held her thin, slender hand, and he couldn't help holding her hand in his own for a long time. "Could it be that this hand, this face, these eyes, all these jewels of feminine beauty that are different from myself, will all be mine forever, as I take for granted everything about myself? No, that's impossible! ..." "Good-bye, Count," she called to him, "I will be waiting for you," she added in a low voice. Just such an ordinary sentence, as well as the expression in his eyes and face when he said it, became Pierre's endless memories, thoughts and yearning for happiness in the next two months. "I must be waiting for you... Yes, yes, what did she say? Yes, I must be waiting for you. Oh, how happy I am! What happened, how happy I am!" Pierre Er said to himself.