Chapter 20 Chapter Twelve (Part 2)

At this time, she found that he couldn't control his feelings at all, but he restrained this feeling in the depths of his thoughts, which turned into a deep sadness.His eyes were so blue she felt she could drown in them, and the expression she saw in them now made her wonder who Meggie was his and he was Meggie's. who. "I knew something was wrong! For a long time, I felt that something was wrong. However, recently my worry has become a feeling that cannot be shaken. I have to come and see for myself, let me meet her Go! If you wish to have a reason. Then I am a priest." Annie had no intention of rejecting him at all. "Come on, my lord, please go through here." She walked forward slowly with crutches and shuffling feet, her mind was still turning: Is the house clean and tidy?Am I dusty?Did we throw out that stinking leg of lamb, or did we leave the place to stink?What a day today when an important person like him comes to visit!Ludy, won't you just move your fat ass out of the tractor and come in and see?This young man has seen you for a long time!

You ignore Dr. Smith and the midwife kneeling by the bed, as if they don't exist, and reach out to her. "Meggie!" She was pulled from the haunting nightmare, and her worries were all gone.She watched the face she loved pressed against hers.His thick black hair is already slightly dyed at the temples, and there are some fine lines on his beautiful and elegant face.If anything had changed in him, it was that he was tougher, and those sharp eyes were full of love and longing to look into hers.How could she have confused Luke with him before?There was no one like him in the world, and for her there never would be again.She betrayed her feelings for him.Luke was the back of the mirror, and Ralph was as bright and distant as the sun.Oh, how good to see him!

"Ralph, help me," she said. He kissed her hand passionately, then brought her hand to his cheek. "I'll always help you, my Meggie, you know that." "Pray for me, pray for this child. If there is anyone who can save us. It is you. You are much closer to God than we are. No one wants us, no one ever wanted us, not even you Don't either." "Where's Luke?" "I don't know, and I don't care where he is." She closed her eyes, shaking her head on the pillow, but her fingers tightly clutched his hand, unwilling to let go. At this moment, Dr. Smith touched his shoulder. "My lord, I think you should go out now."

"If her life was in danger, would you call me?" "immediately. Lu Di finally came back from the sugar cane field, excited like crazy, because no one can dig here, and he dare not go into the bedroom, "Anne, how is she?" he asked as his wife came out with the Archbishop. "Nothing so far. The doctor himself is not sure, but I think he is hopeful. We have a visitor here, Ludy, and this is the Archbishop Ralph de Brixarte." , an old friend of Meggie's." Rudy is more capable than his wife.He got down on one knee and kissed the ring on the hand that was reaching out to him. "Please sit down, my lord. You can chat with Anne first. I'll boil a pot of water and make some tea."

"So you're Ralph," said Anne.She leaned her crutches against a bamboo table.Facing her now sat the priest, the folds of his cassock open about him, his legs crossed, and his shiny riding boots shining.This gesture is too feminine for a man.But he's a priest, so it doesn't matter.Yet there is a strong masculinity about him, whether his legs are crossed or not.Maybe he wasn't as old as she first thought.Perhaps, he was just in his early forties.What a waste of a man so charming! "Yes, I am Ralph." "Ever since Meggie went into labor, she's been asking about a guy named Ralph. I have to admit, I'm completely dumbfounded. I can't remember her ever mentioning a Ralph before."

"She won't mention it." "How did you know Meggie, my lord? How long?" The priest smiled wryly, and the fingers of those thin, very graceful hands were tightly intertwined, like a pointed church roof. "I've known Meggie since she was ten years old. They'd just come on a boat from New Zealand. In fact, you might say I'd go through fire and water, starvation of affection, life and death for Meggie. The test of death. We had to endure it all, and Meggie was the mirror in which I was forced to see my own doom." "You love her!" Annie's voice was startled.

"forever." "It's a tragedy for both of you." "I would have liked it to be a tragedy for me only. Please tell me what has happened to her since she was married. It has been many years since I last saw her, and I am never optimistic about her." "I'll tell you, but only after you've told me about Meggie. Oh, I don't mean anything personal, just about what kind of life she lived before she came to Dunney. Ludy and I, We don't know anything about her, except that she used to live somewhere near Killambo. We'd like to know more, because we like her very much. But, she never told us a single thing— - It's pride, I think."

Lu Di brought in a tray with tea and food on it.He sat down.Then the priest gave them a brief account of Meggie's life before she married Luke. "I'm never going to guess a little bit in another million years! Come to think of it, Luke took her out of it all rashly and made her a housekeeper! And had the audacity to agree to keep her Wages sent to his bank account! You know the poor little thing hasn't had a penny in her purse since she got here? I got Ludy to give her a cash bonus last Christmas, but Then she needed so many things that she spent all that money in less than a day, and she never got a penny more from us."

"Don't feel sorry for Meggie," said Archbishop Ralph, a little bitterly. "I don't think she's sorry for herself, and certainly not for want of money. Life here brings her some joy, doesn't it? She can't get along without it." She knew where she was going when she was there. I would say that Luke's indifference hurt her more than the lack of money. My poor Meggie!" Anne and Rudy complement each other and give a rough description of Meggie's life.And Archbishop de Rixarte sat there, with his hands still folded like a church steeple, gazing outside at the lovely swinging leaves of the canna.Not once did the muscles of his face move, nor did his beautiful, detached eyes change in any way.He had learned a great deal since he had served Vittorio Scarpenza, Cardinal di Contini-Verches.

When the story was over, he sighed, and turned his gaze to their anxious faces, "Well, since Luke won't help her, it seems we must help her. If Luke really doesn't want her, She'd better get out of here and go back to Drogheda. I know you don't want to lose her, but for her. You should try to get her to go home. I'll send you a check from Sydney for her so she won't have to worry She's embarrassed to ask her brother for money. When she gets home, she can tell them what she wants." He glanced at the bedroom door without moving. "Good God, let this child be born!"

However, it took almost 24 hours for the baby to hit the ground, and Meggie almost died from exhaustion and pain.Dr. Smith gave her a lot of laudanum, in his old-fashioned way.Laudanum is still the best thing.She seemed to be dizzy with the rapidly spinning nightmare, and the virtual and real things in the nightmare were torn and entangled, sharp claws, iron forks poking, wailing, whining, and roaring, all stirred up into a ball.Sometimes, when the cries of pain rose, Ralph's face would shrink for a moment, then open again.But she always remembers.He is here.she knows.With him watching over here, neither she nor the child will die. Dr. Smith took a break for a while, leaving the midwife there alone.He ate something hastily, had a shot of strong rum, and noticed that no one else had thought Meggie would die hastily.He had listened to Anne and Rudy tell stories about her which they thought it wise to tell him. "You're right, Annie," he said. "That life on horseback is probably one of the reasons for the trouble she's having now. For women who have to ride a lot, traveling in the saddle is a bad thing. Split legs make the muscles underdeveloped." normal." "I've heard that's an absurd statement," said the Archbishop mildly. Dr. Smith looked at him viciously.He didn't like the Catholic priests, thinking they were a bunch of fools pretending to be saints. "Whatever you want," he said. "But. Tell me, my lord, what would be your unashamed advice if the matter came to a choice between Meggie's life and the baby's life?" "Doctor, the Church is unshakable on this point. There is no choice, neither the death of the baby to save the mother nor the death of the mother to save the baby." He returned a wicked smile to Dr. Smith . "But, Doctor, if it comes to that, I'll tell you without hesitation: Save Meggie and send that baby to hell." Dr. Smith, breathless with laughter, patted him on the back and said, "You are amazing! Don't worry, I won't spread the word about your life. But so far, the baby is alive." , and I don't see anything deadly about to happen." However, Anne was thinking to herself, if this child is yours, I don't know how you would answer, Archbishop? " About three hours later, as the evening sun was sinking gloomily over the misty Mount Bartley Freer, Smith stepped out of his bedroom. "Well, it's over." He said with some satisfaction. "Meggie's got a lot of trouble, but she's going to be fine. The baby is a skinny, frail girl, five pounds, with a huge head, and her hideous hair and temper Good match, I've never seen that in a newborn before, you'd never kill that guy with an axe, I know that, because I almost tried." Ludi gleefully opened a bottle of champagne he had kept, and the eight of them stood with overfilled glasses; To the health and happiness of that screaming, cranky baby.Today is the first day of June and the first day of winter in Australia. A nurse came to replace the midwife, and remained there until it was declared that Meggie was completely out of danger.The doctor and the midwife were gone, and Anne Luddy and the Archbishop had gone to see Meggie. She was lying on the double bed, looking so pitiful and thin.Archbishop Ralph had to hold back a very different kind of pain--a pain which he tested, which he endured.Meggie, my tormented, exhausted Meggie... I will always love you, but I won't give you Luke O'Neill's love, envious though I am. The little figure lying in the wicker cradle by the wall could only cry intermittently.The attention of those who stood around and stared down at her was simply ignored.She cried out in dissatisfaction, and kept crying.The nurse lifted her with the cradle into the room designated as her nursery. "There must be nothing wrong with her lungs." Mrs. Lal the Archbishop sat on the edge of the bed with a smile, and took Meggie's bloodless hand. "She doesn't quite want to live, I suppose," said Meggie, smiling back at him.He looks much older!He was as strong and gentle as ever, but much older, and she turned her head to Annie and Ludy, and held out her other hand. "My dear friends! What would I do without you, does Luke have a letter?" "I got a telegram saying he was too busy to come, but I wish you luck." "It's hard for him," said Meggie. Anne bent down quickly and kissed her on the cheek. "My dear, we asked you to stay and talk to the archbishop, I think you have a lot of old things to talk about." She leaned on Ludi and hooked her fingers at the nurse, who was staring blankly. Looking at the priest, he seemed unable to believe his eyes. "Come on, Nettie, join us for a cup of tea. Your lord will tell you if Meggie needs you." "What are you going to name your rowdy daughter?" he asked when the door closed and it was just the two of them. "Justine." "It's a good name, but why did you choose it?" "I saw it in some book, I like this name." "You don't want her, Meggie?" Her face was so shrunken that only the eyes seemed to be left; those eyes were very soft, with a bewildered light, neither hate nor love. "I feel like I want her, yes. I want her badly. I've played tricks to get her. But when I was pregnant with her, I felt nothing but that she didn't want me. I felt like, Justine will never be mine, or Luke's, or anyone else's. She will always be her own, I think." "I've got to go, Meggie," he said kindly. Now the eyes were sadder and brighter, and her mouth was pursed into an unpleasant expression. "I've been waiting for that! It's funny how every man I meet in my life leaves in a hurry, doesn't it?" He dodged the subject, "Meggie, don't be so sad. Thinking of you like this, I can't bear to leave. No matter what happened to you before, you always keep your cuteness, this is me on you Lovely thing found. You don't change that demeanor for that, don't turn hard. I know it must be scary to think that Luke doesn't care and doesn't come, but don't Change your character. You'll never be my Meggie again." But she still looked at him with half resentment. "Oh, stop talking nonsense, Ralph! I'm not your Meggie, never was! You didn't want me, you gave me to him, to Luke. What do you think I am, a saint not a nun ?Oh, I'm not! An ordinary woman, you ruined my life! All these years, I loved you and wanted to forget you. However, when I married someone I thought was a bit like you Isn't it too much for a man to want me and have me when he doesn't want me and doesn't need me?" She began to sob, trying to suppress it; her face had fine lines of pain that he had never seen before, and he knew they wouldn't stay on her face, as soon as she recovered. calm. "Luke isn't a bad guy, or even an unlikable guy," she continued. "He's just a man. We're all the same, like big hairy moths behind a glass too transparent for the eyes to see, smashed to pieces chasing a blinding flame. And if you really Thoughts fly into the glass, and fall into the fire and burn them. But stay in the clear night air, there is food, and little moths are born. Do you understand this? Want to have these? No! You turn back after the flame, flapping your wings senselessly until you burn yourselves to death!" He didn't know what to say to her, because he had never seen this side of her mind.Has she always thought of it, or has it come to her because of her miserable predicament and abandonment?" Meggie should have said that! He was hardly listening to her what she had said; it disturbed him that she should have said it, and he could not understand that it had come out of loneliness and guilt. "Do you remember my rose you gave you the night I left Drogheda?" he asked softly. "Yes, I remember." The voice was lifeless, and there was no mournful light in those eyes, which now stared at him like someone who had lost hope, as expressionless as her mother's eyes, Sluggish and absent minded. "I still have it, in my missal, and every time I see a rose of that color, I think of you. Meggie, I love you. You are my rose, the most beautiful in my life The image of a human being and the best memory." The corner of her mouth sank again.There was a tense and fierce look in the eyes, and there was a look of resentment in the look. "An image and nostalgia! An image and nostalgia of a man! Yes, quite right, that's all I have for you! You're nothing but a romantic, dreamy fool, Ralph De Bricassarte! You have nothing in life but the idea of ​​what I call a moth. No wonder you became a Christian! You can't live an ordinary life if you are an ordinary person , you are not as good as ordinary Luke!" "You say you love me, but you don't know what love is; you just say the words in your head because you think they sound nice! What I can't answer is why you men Don't even think about it, you can get by without us women. That's what you're willing to do, isn't it? You should figure out a way to solve the problem of marrying each other, and you'll be very happy!" "Meggie, don't do that! Don't do that!" "Oh, go! I don't want to see you! Ralph, you forget about that thing, your precious rose--it's an unpleasant, thorny thorn!" He left the room without looking back. Luke hadn't bothered to answer the telegram that told him he had become the proud father of a five-pound girl named Justine.Meggie recovered slowly, and the kid grew stronger.Perhaps, if Meggie had managed to feed her, she would have had a more harmonious relationship with this scrawny, grumpy little thing; but the large breasts that Luke loved to suck so much would not produce milk.It's an ironic fairness, she thought.She just dutifully dressed the red-faced, red-haired little thing, as custom required, bottle-fed her, and waited for some wonderful, exciting emotion to begin in her.But the feeling never came; she didn't feel the desire to kiss that little face all over, or squeeze those little fingers, or do the countless silly things mothers love to do with babies, Meggie. She doesn't feel like her child, who doesn't want her or needs her, as much as she feels about it.it!it!she!she!She couldn't even remember that it should be for her. It never occurred to Ludy and Anne that Meggie would not like Justine. Her feelings for Justine were not as good as those of her mother's little brothers. No matter when Zhu Chunzhengting cried, Meggie must be there. Picking her up, humming, rocking her, no baby felt drier and more comfortable than her.Oddly enough, Justine didn't seem to want to be picked up or listened to; if left alone, she quickly quieted down. Over time, her appearance also improved.The redness of her baby's skin had faded and became transparent, and the thin blue veins could be seen. The transparent skin matched the red hair, and her small arms and legs were plump, Very cute.Her hair began to curl and thicken, giving it the same unruly shape as her grandfather Paddy's.Everyone anxiously waited to see what color her eyes would turn.Ludy bet on being blue like her father, Anne thought it would be gray like her mother, and Meggie was undecided.Justine's eyes, however, were completely self-contained, with no color at all.At six weeks, the eyes began to change, and at the ninth week, the color and pupils of the eyes were finalized.No one had ever seen anything like her eyes.The outermost edge of the iris is a ring of dark gray, but the iris itself is so light that it is neither blue nor gray; the closest you can tell it is some sort of silvery white.They were focused, uncomfortable, unhuman eyes, rather blind; but, as time went on, it became clear that Justine was very pretty. Although Dr. Smith did not mention this, when she was born he was concerned about the size of her head, and he watched her head closely for the first six months of her life.He was puzzled, especially after seeing those strange eyes, whether there might be something in her brain that he still called water, even though current textbooks called it brain fluid, but Juss Ting apparently did not suffer from any cerebral insufficiency or malformation, just a large head.As she grew, the rest of her body more or less matched it. Luke remained outside.Meggie wrote to him again and again, but he neither answered nor came back to see his children.In a way, she was pleased; she didn't know what to say to him, and she didn't think he would be fascinated by this odd little thing that was his daughter.If Justine had been a fat son, he might have been merciful, but Meggie was perfectly content that she wasn't a son.Her birth proved that the great Luke O'Neill was not a perfect man, and if he was, he would never have had anything but sons. The baby was much fatter than Meggie's and had recovered more quickly from the ordeal of birth.By four months, she was crying less often.As she lay in the cradle, she began to have fun with herself, fiddling with the brightly colored beads that hung within reach.But she never smiled at anyone, not even the many ridiculous gestures she took pains to make her laugh. The rainy season came earlier in October, and it was a very humid rainy season.The humidity rose to 100 percent and stayed there; hours each day the rain howled and lashed the Black Millhawk, making the red soil pulpy and drenching the cane and filling the wide and deep cane. Dunloe River.But the river did not overflow, for the river was short, and the water quickly flowed into the sea.Justine lay in the cradle, gazing out at her world through those strange eyes; Meggie sat bored, watching Bartlett Freer Mountain appear and disappear through the dense rain. When the sun came out, winding mist rose from the ground, the wet sugarcane shone brightly, refracting seven colors like diamonds, and the river was like a full-color giant snake.Then, a double-layered rainbow protruded and hung above the sky. The two curved rainbows were perfect, compared with the gloomy, dark blue clouds.The colors appear brilliant; the clouds only make the North Queensland landscape look dull and hazy.In North Queensland, everything was a shade of red, and Meggie thought she had figured out why the Kieranbo countryside was all gray and yellow; North Queensland, too, was dominated by one color! On the second day of early December, Annie went to the corridor outside, sat beside her, looked at her, ah, she was so thin and lifeless!Even the lovely blond hair looked dry. "Meggie, I don't know if I did something wrong, but I did anyway, and I hope you at least hear me say a word before you say no." Meggie turned away from the rainbow, smiling. "Annie, you sound so serious! What must I hear?" "Ludy and I are worried for you. You haven't fully recovered since Justine was born, and now that the monsoons are here, you're looking even worse. You're not eating and you've lost weight. I've always thought the The climate isn't for you, but since you haven't done anything to bore you, you should try to get used to it. We think you're looking sick right now, and unless something is done about it, you're really going to get sick." She took a breath. "So I wrote a friend of mine who works in the tourism department two or three weeks ago and made an offer to let you go on vacation. Don't object to the cost, it won't make Luke or It will cost us money. The priest sent us a check for a large sum for you, and your brother sent us another check for you and the child--I think he hinted at you Go home for a while--that's what everyone in Drogheda means. After we talked it over, Ludy and I decided the best thing we could do was to use some of the money to get you on vacation. But I don't think it's right to go back home to Drogheda for the holidays. Ludy and I think what you need is some time to think. Justine's not going, we're not going, Luke's not going, and we're not going to Drogheda Meggie, have you ever been alone before? It's time for you to go alone. So we've booked you a little retreat on Matlock Island for two months, from early January to early March Ludi and I will take care of Justine. You know, she won't come to any harm. But if we're even a little bit worried about her, mark our words and we'll let you know right away that there's a phone on that island. So it won't take long to call you back." The rainbow is gone, and so is the sun; it's going to start raining again. "Annie. I would have gone crazy the last three years if it wasn't for you and Ludy. You know that. Sometimes I'd wake up at night and think, what if Luke took me and Ludy? What happens when some unkind people put together. You care more about me than Luke." "Bullshit! If Luke had put you with people who had no sympathy, you'd probably be back on Drogheda long ago, who knows? Maybe that's for the best." "No. It's not pleasant for Luke, but it's much better for me to stay here and work." The rain had begun to move slowly over the misty sugar cane fields, like a gray machete, where everything it passed was invisible. "You're right, I'm not well," said Meggie. "My body has been broken since I got Justine. I've tried so hard to get back together, but I think I've reached a point where I'm alone. Just don't have the strength to do it. Oh, Anne, I'm so tired and depressed I'm not even a good mother to Justine, sorry for her. I'm the one who brought her into the world, she didn't ask me to be. But what frustrates me the most is that Luke doesn't even make a We don't give him a chance to make him happy. He doesn't want to live with me, or let me make a home for him. He doesn't want our children. I don't love him—I've never been a woman Loved him like the man she married. Maybe he sensed it in his words. If I had loved him, maybe his actions would have been different. So, how can I blame him? I think, I just Can blame myself." "You love the Archbishop, don't you?" "Oh, I've loved him since I was a little girl! I was so cruel to him when he came. Poor Ralph! I have no right to say what I said to him, you I know, because he never approved of it. I wish he had time to understand that I was in pain, exhausted, unfortunate. I was just thinking, logically, it was supposed to be his child. But that will never be and never will be his child. It's not fair! Protestant priests can marry, why not Catholics? Don't bother to tell me that priests don't care about their congregation the way priests do , because I won't take your word for it. I've met heartless priests and eminent priests. But, because of the priest's asceticism, I had to leave Ralph and start a family and live and give life to someone else Child. Anne. Do you know something? People like Ralph think it's a sin to break a vow. I hate the Church for thinking it's a crime for me to love Ralph or for him to love me." "Go out for a while, Meggie. Rest, eat, sleep, and don't worry. Then, when you get back, maybe you can somehow persuade Luke to buy the ranch instead of talking about it." I know you don't love him, but I think you might be happy with him if he gave you a chance." Those gray eyes were the same color as the torrential rain that fell around the house.The rain grew louder and louder, and fell on the tin roof with an unbelievable noise. "But that's all, Anne! When Luke and I got to the Atherton Tablelands, I at least figured out that he wouldn't leave the cane as long as he had the energy to cut it. He loved the life, in fact he So did he. He likes to be with people who are as strong as he is, who don't want to be restrained, and who like to wander from place to place. Now that I'm beginning to think, he's a nomad at all. If he He only needed a woman, he needed joy when he was too exhausted by sugar cane to do anything else. How would I describe it? Luke was the kind of man who, if he could eat from the pantry If he can sleep on the floor, he really has nothing to think about. Don't you understand? One can't infect him the way one likes nice things, because he doesn't like nice things. Sometimes I Think, he despises nice, pretty things. They're too soft and make him weak. I simply don't have enough charm to change his current course in life." She glanced impatiently at the veranda ceiling, as if she was tired of the deafening sound. "Annie, I don't know if I'll be strong enough to endure the next ten or fifteen years of homelessness and loneliness, or however long until Luke can't do it. It's good to be here with you , I don't want you to think I'm a brut. But, I want a home! I want Justine to have brothers and sisters, to dust off my own furniture, to make curtains for my own windows Cooking for my own man over my own stove. Oh, Anne, I'm just a woman, I have no ambition, no intelligence, no education, you know. All I want is a husband, children, My own home, and a little love from someone." Anne took out her handkerchief, wiped her eyes, and tried to laugh again. "What a tearful couple we were! But I can understand, Meggie, I really can. I've been married to Ludy for thirteen years, and it's the only happy thing in my life. I was five years old I got polio at the time and it made me like this. I was sure no one was going to take care of me anymore. They didn't take care of me, God knows. I was 30 when I met Ludy and I was teaching for a living. He 10 years younger than me. I can't take him seriously when you say he loves me and wants to marry me. Meggie, what a horrible way to ruin the life of a man who is still very young! For five years, I used Treated him with a straight-up nasty attitude you can't imagine, and yet, he ran to me enthusiastically. So, I married him, and I got happiness. Ludy said he was happy too, but I dare not Sure. He's made a lot of concessions, including kids. He's looked older than me over the years, poor man." "Anne, it's life and climate." The rain, just as it had started, stopped abruptly, and again a rainbow of colors appeared in the steamy sky.The lavender Mount Bartley Freer was just visible through the light clouds. Meggie said again, "I'll go. I appreciate you thought of this, maybe that's what I need. But you're sure Justine won't be in too much trouble?" "天哪，不会的！路迪把一切都算计好了。安娜·玛丽亚--在你之前她常常给我干活--有个妹妹，叫安齐亚塔，她想到汤斯威尔去干保育工作。但是3月份之前她还满不了16岁，最近几天就要从学校毕业了。因此，你离开的时候，她打算到这里来。她也是一个有经验的保姆，在台梭里奥的苏格兰人那儿看过一大群孩子哩。" "麦特劳克岛在什么地方？" "就在大巴里尔礁的威斯特森底，在降灵节航道附近。是个非常清静幽僻的地方，我想，那是度蜜月最好的胜地。你是知道这类事的--不住中心饭店，而是住小别墅。你用不着非到喧闹的餐厅去吃饭，也用不着客客气气地和那些根本谈不来的人交往。每年的这个时候，那里差不多阒无人迹，因为有夏季旋风的危险。雨季并不是个问题，但似乎谁也不愿意夏天到珊瑚礁上去。也许因为在珊湖礁上的人大部分人都是从悉尼或墨尔本来的，所以他们宁愿留在原地度过愉快的夏季。南方人早在三年之前就把6月、7月和8月岛上的度假别墅预定完了。"