Chapter 2 Chapter two

This austere admonition resonated in my heart.My natural sense of duty, the example of my parents, and the Puritan precepts which restrained the nascent passions of my soul, led me at last to adore what they call virtue.Therefore, in my opinion, it is as natural for me to restrain myself as it is for others to indulge themselves; instead of hating this strict requirement of mine, I am complacent about it.My pursuit of the future is not primarily happiness itself, but an infinite effort to attain it, in which, so to speak, happiness and virtue have become one.Of course, I am only a fourteen-year-old kid, not yet formed, and may develop in different directions.However, after a while, out of love for Alyssa, I resolutely decided on this direction.This was an epiphany of my soul, and I knew myself all of a sudden: Before that, I felt that I was introverted and self-retained, and my development was not good. Although I was full of expectations, I didn’t care much about others, and I was not very aggressive. own victory in this regard.I like studying. As for games, I only like to use my brain and exert a little effort.I don't interact with classmates of similar age, and sometimes it's just for friendship or politeness.However, I formed a friendship with Abel Vautier, and the next year he transferred to Paris, joined my class again, and became my classmate.He's a sweet boy, kind of lazy.I felt more affection for him than admiration, and with him I could at least chat about the places my mind sometimes soars: Le Havre and Fengesmar.

My cousin Robert Bucolin, as a boarding student, also studied in my middle school, but he was two classes behind me, and he could not see him until Sunday.He doesn't look like my cousins, and if it weren't for their brother, I wouldn't be interested in meeting him at all. My love then occupied all my thoughts, and it was in the light of this love that the friendship of these two men took on an importance in my mind.Alyssa is like the precious pearl mentioned in the "Gospel", and I am the one who sells all my property and is determined to get it.Yes, I was a child, and was it wrong to speak of love in this way, and to call my affection for my cousin love?Nothing I have since experienced seems to me to be more deserving of this title—nor, after I have grown to a certain age, have I experienced a very specific desire in the body, which has not developed into an essential form in me. change; as a child I only wanted to be worthy, and later I did not seek to possess the woman more directly.Whether I study hard or help others, everything I do is dedicated to Alyssa in secret, thus inventing a higher virtue: I only do things for her, and often don't let her know, I am so intoxicated In a self-obsessed humility, alas!Little thought is given to one's own pleasure, and the result is a habit of never being satisfied with things that are effortless.

① See Chapter 13 of the Gospel of Matthew in the Bible. Is this competitive spirit only motivating me?I didn't feel Alyssa react, she didn't do anything because of me or for me, and all my efforts were just for her.Her soul is unpretentious, and she still retains the most natural beauty.Her chastity is so elegant and generous, it seems to be revealed naturally.Even her serious eyes were charming because of her childish smile; I seemed to see her extremely gentle and slightly questioning eyes again, and I understood why my uncle wanted to see the eldest daughter when he was in a panic. Ask around for advice, support and comfort.In the summer of the second year, I often saw their father and daughter talking.He was heartbroken and aged a lot. He rarely spoke at the dinner table, and sometimes he suddenly put on a happy face, which was even more uncomfortable to watch than his silence.He stayed in the study and smoked one cigarette after another. He didn't go out until Alyssa came to him in the evening and begged him repeatedly.Alyssa took him into the garden as if taking care of a child; the two of them walked down the flower path and sat on the bench that had been placed beforehand at the intersection near the steps of the vegetable garden.

One evening, when I was late, I was lying on the lawn under the tall purple beech tree reading a book; across a row of laurel hedges was the flower path, which could block the sight but not the voice of the voice.Suddenly, I heard Alyssa and my uncle talking, apparently they had just talked about Robert, Alyssa mentioned my name again, and the voice began to be clear, and my uncle said loudly: "Oh! He, he likes to study anytime." I accidentally became an eavesdropper, and I really wanted to go away, at least to show them that I was here; but how to show it?Cough?Or shout: "I'm here! I heard you talking!"... In the end, they didn't say anything, not because they were driven by curiosity to listen more, but because of embarrassment and timidity.Besides, they were just passing by, and I could only hear a few words... But they walked very slowly, and Alyssa must still be carrying a light basket as usual, picking off the blooming flowers as she walked, and picking up flowers. Pick up the green fruit that was pushed down by the sea fog at the foot of the fruit tree wall.I heard her clear voice:

"Papa, is Uncle Palissier a fine man?" Uncle's voice was deep and vague, and I didn't hear clearly what he answered.Alyssa asked again: "You mean brilliant, right?" My uncle's answer was still particularly vague; then Alyssa asked: "The Jeromes are smart, aren't they?" Why didn't I prick up my ears? ...but it's useless, I can't hear anything.Alyssa added: "Do you think he could be a good man?" This time, my uncle raised his voice: "But, boy, I want to find out first what you mean by the word 'excellent'! Someone can be very good and not be seen on the surface, at least not in the eyes of the world . . . but very good in the eyes of God. outstanding."

"That's exactly how I understand it," Alyssa said. "Besides... can we tell right now? He's still too young... Yes, of course, he will be promising in the future; but to be successful, this alone is not enough..." "What else do you need?" "Oh, boy, what do you want me to say? You also need confidence, support, love..." "Support, what do you mean?" Alyssa asked. "Feeling and respect, I lack these in my life." Uncle replied sadly.Then, at last, their voices died away. I accidentally eavesdropped on someone else's conversation, and couldn't help feeling guilty. When I was praying, I made up my mind to confess my mistake to my cousin.Maybe this time, it's curiosity at the top, wanting to know more about the situation.

The next day, before I could say a word, she said to me: "Here, Jerome, it's not good listening to people like that. You should say hello to us, or go away." "I assure you, I didn't mean to hear it . . . I overheard it . . . Besides, you were just passing by." "We're going very slowly." "Yes, but I can't hear clearly, and I can't hear your voices... Tell me, you asked what is needed to achieve success, how did uncle answer?" "Jerome," she said, laughing, "you heard me perfectly, and let me say it again, just for fun."

"I assure you that you only heard the beginning... heard him talk about faith and love." "Then he also said that many other things were needed." "What about you, how did you answer?" Alyssa's expression suddenly became very serious. "When he talked about having support in life, I said you have a mother." "Ah! Alyssa, you understand perfectly well that my mother can't keep me forever... Besides, it's not the same thing..." Alyssa bowed her head: "That's what he answered me too." I took her hand tremblingly:

"No matter who I become in the future, I will only be like that for you." "But, Jerome, I might as well leave you." My words come from my heart: "And I will never leave you." She shrugged slightly: "Can't you be strong and walk alone? We should each reach God alone." "Then you have to show me the way." "With Christ, why do you need another guide? Isn't it the closest moment for us to pray to God and forget each other!" "Yes, let's be together," I interrupted her, "that's what I pray to God every morning and night."

"Don't you understand what communion with God is all about?" "I get it: the ecstasy of being together again in a thing we worship together. I think it's about being reunited with you, and worshiping what I know you worship too." "Your motives for worship are not at all pure." "Don't be too demanding on me. If I can't meet you in the sky, I don't care what the sky is." She pressed a finger to her lips, and said with a rather solemn expression: "'Seek first the Kingdom and the Law of Heaven.'" Our conversation, when I recorded it, clearly felt that it seemed a bit un-childish to those who don't understand how serious some children like to use words.What can I do?Try to justify it?It is more natural to neither justify nor whitewash.

We had obtained the Gospels in Latin long ago, and recited long passages by heart.Alyssa had already studied Latin with me under the pretext of tutoring her younger brother; but now that I think about it, she mainly kept track of my reading.Needless to say, knowing that she will not be with me, I dare not easily become interested in a subject.Although this sometimes hinders me, it does not check the impulse of my thoughts so much as one might think.On the contrary, I felt that she was very comfortable in every way, and came in front of me.However, I chose my spiritual path based on her.What our minds were filled with at the time, what we call thoughts, was often only a pretext for a kind of mingling, and this mingling was more subtle than the embellishment of emotion and the veiling of love. At the beginning, my mother couldn't help worrying that she couldn't measure how deep this feeling was.Now that she is feeling weak, she loves to hold us both together with that same maternal love.She has suffered from heart disease for many years, and the number of attacks has increased recently.One time when the attack was particularly severe, she called me to her face and said: "My poor child, you see, I am much older, and one day I will suddenly abandon you." She stopped, breathing very hard.I could bear it no longer, and said aloud what she seemed to expect: "Mom..., you know, I want to marry Alyssa." My words obviously touched her most secret thoughts, and she immediately interjected: "Yes, my Jerome, I was just about to talk to you about it." "Mom!" I cried, "You think she loves me, don't you?" "Yes, my child." She repeated several times gently: "Yes, my child." She added with difficulty: "Let the Lord arrange it." Then, as I drew nearer, she put her hand on my head, and said: "My two children, God bless you! God bless you both!" She fell into a coma again, and I didn't try to wake her up. It was never mentioned again in this conversation.The next day, my mother felt better and I went to school again.Halfway through what he said, he stopped.Besides, what more could I know?Alyssa loves me, I don't doubt it for a moment.Such doubts, if ever aroused in my mind, were forever quenched by the sorrowful events which happened shortly afterwards. My mother died peacefully one evening, with only Miss Ashbuton and I by my side.In the end, this attack took her life. It was not more serious than the previous ones at the beginning, and then it got worse suddenly at the end, and relatives didn't have time to rush over.On the first night, my mother's old friend and I held a vigil for the dear dead.I love my mother very much, but I am surprised to find that my tears belong to the tears, and I don't feel much sadness in my heart, but mainly I shed tears of sympathy for Miss Ashbuton, because she looks younger than her age My friend went to see God first.And I secretly thought that my cousin was coming to the funeral, and this thought completely controlled my grief. My uncle arrived the next day, and he handed me a letter from his daughter.Alyssa was coming a day late with Aunt Plantier.She wrote in the letter: Jerome, my friend, my brother, how I regret not being able to speak to her on my deathbed Having said that, it was a great way to satisfy her wish.Now, just ask her to forgive me!I hope that from now on, God is our only guide—men.Farewell, my poor friend.yours more than ever Dear Alyssa. What does this letter mean?What was it that she regretted not being able to say?Isn't it just setting our life?I was too young to rush to propose.Besides, do I still need her promise?Aren't we already engaged to be married?We are in love, and it is no secret to our relatives and friends.My uncle, like my mother, did not hinder me; on the contrary, he already regarded me as his son. It will be Easter in a few days, and I will go to Le Havre for vacation again, staying at the house of my aunt Plantier, but eating almost every meal at the house of my uncle Buclin. Aunt Felicie Plantier was the kindest woman in the world, yet neither I nor my cousins ​​were very close to her.She was so busy that she was out of breath.Her movements were never gentle, her voice was never melodious, she was clumsy even in caressing us, she couldn't resist making out at any time of the day, and to us her Intimacy can go too far.Uncle Bucolin liked her very much, but from the way he spoke to her it was easy to tell that he liked my mother better. "My poor child," she said to me one evening, "I don't know what you plan to do this summer; I'll know your plans before I decide what to do myself; if I can help you in any way..." "I haven't given it much thought," I replied. "Look, maybe travel." She added: "You know, you are always welcome at Fengsmar at my house. Your uncle and Juliet will be happy if you go there..." "You mean Alyssa." "Isn't it! I'm so sorry...you won't believe me when I tell you, I thought you loved Juliet! Then your uncle told me...it's been less than a month...you know, I love you very much, But I don't know you very well, and I don't have many opportunities to meet you! ... Also, I'm not very observant, and I don't have time to stop and take a closer look at things that have nothing to do with me. I see you always play with Juliet... I just thought...she is so beautiful, and she is very happy." "Yes, I would still like to play with her now, but I love Alyssa..." "Very well! Very well! It's up to you. . . I, you know, I can say I don't know her; she's less talkative than her sister; I think you've always had good reasons for choosing her." "Well, Aunt, I didn't choose to love her. It never occurred to me that there was any reason..." "Don't be offended, Jerome, I'm telling you, there's no malice... You've forgotten what I was going to tell you... Well! It's like this: I think, of course it's going to be marriage in the end ;But you are still in mourning, and it is not appropriate to get engaged now... Besides, you are too young... I thought that if your mother is gone, if you go to Fengsmar by yourself, it may cause gossip. ..." "That's right, Auntie, and that's why I'm talking about traveling." "Yes. Come on, my boy. I think it might be easier if I go there; I've arranged to have some time this summer." "As soon as I open my mouth, Miss Ashbuton will be willing to accompany me." "I knew she'd come, but she's not enough, I've got to go... oh! I don't mean to replace your poor mother," she added, sobbing suddenly: "I can care Housework... Anyway, you, your uncle and Alyssa won't feel like I'm in the way." Aunt Felicia was wrong. She thought it would be good if she went, but in fact, she would only hinder me.As she announced, as soon as July entered, she was stationed at Fengsmar; within a few days, Miss Ashbuton and I also went.On the pretext of helping Alyssa with the housework, this very quiet house was filled with constant noise.She was very courteous to please us, "to facilitate things," as she said, but so much that Alyssa and I were so uncomfortable that we hardly spoke in her presence.She must have thought we were cold... Would she understand the nature of our love even if we spoke?On the contrary, Juliet's character is easy to adapt to this kind of excessive intimacy; and seeing that my aunt prefers the little niece, I can't help feeling disgusted, which may have affected my feelings for my aunt. One morning my aunt received a letter, and she called me to her: "My poor Jerome, I am terribly sorry; my daughter is ill and has called me; there is nothing I can do, I must leave you..." Filled with unnecessary scruples, I went to ask my uncle whether I should stay at the Fungesmar Grange after my aunt had gone.But as soon as I opened my mouth, my uncle shouted: "What trick has my poor sister come up with to complicate such a natural thing? Oh! Why did you leave us? Haven't you almost become my child?" My aunt lived in Fengsmar for only half a month, and she became quiet as soon as she left. This kind of quiet, which seemed to be very happy, enveloped the house again.The grief of losing our mother did not cast a shadow over our love, but only seemed to add a bit of seriousness.A day-to-day monotonous life began, and we seemed to be in a place with excellent acoustics, even the slight beating of the heart could be heard. A few days after my aunt left, we talked about her at the dinner table once—I remember this: "What a busy person!" we said. "How could it be possible that the waves of life did not leave a little pause in her heart? O beautiful appearance of love, what does your reflection look like here?"... We say this because we think of Goethe's words, He writes of Mrs. Stein: "It must have been wonderful to see the reflection of the world in her mind." We immediately rank ourselves in the contemplative quality as superior.Uncle kept silent all this time, and now he blamed us with a wry smile: ① Mrs. Charlotte von Stein (1742-1827), Goth's childhood lover. "Children," said he, "God sees our own images even when they are shattered. Note that we do not judge men on the basis of one moment. Everything you dislike about my poor sister has its reasons. , and I know those incidents too well to criticize her as harshly as you. Nothing that is endearing in youth is ever the same in old age. You say that Felicite is busy, but in the beginning, that was entirely Lovely passions, instinctive impulses, momentary ecstasy, seeming blissful... I'm sure we were not much different from what you are today. I was a lot like you then, Jerome, maybe more than I reckon Felicity is like Juliet now...yes, she looks the same..." He turned again, and said to his eldest daughter: "some of the tones of your voice remind me of her suddenly; she also looks like You smile like this, you have this posture, sometimes like you sit idly with your arms forward and your forehead crossed, but that posture soon fades from her." Miss Ashbutone turned to me, and said in a rather low voice: "Your mother, look at Alyssa and think of her." This summer, the sky was exceptionally clear, and everything seemed to be drenched in blue.The ardor of our youth triumphs over pain, over death: the shadow recedes before us.Every morning, I am awakened by happiness, get up at dawn, and rush out to meet the sunrise... During this time, every time I enter my thoughts, it will be covered with dew and appear in front of my eyes.Juliet got up earlier than her sister who stayed up late, and she went to the garden with me.She became the messenger between me and her sister; she never seemed to tire of my endless stories of our love.I loved too deeply, but became timid and reserved. Some things I dare not say to Alyssa in person, so I tell Juliet.Alyssa seemed to let this game go, and she seemed happy to see me talking with her sister, she didn't know or pretended not to know, when in fact we were only talking about her. O love, ardent love, by what secret channel do your sweet pretense lead us from laughter to weeping, from the most innocent joys to the sphere of virtue! Summer goes by, how pure and smooth it is, and the time that has slipped past has hardly left any traces in my memory today.The only incidents I remember are talking, reading... "I had a sad dream," Alyssa said to me one morning towards the end of summer vacation. "I dreamed that I was alive and you were dead. No, I didn't watch you die, it just happened that you were dead. It was too horrible to be possible, so I got this result: you Just going out. We were far apart, and I felt there was some way of being with you; so I tried to figure it out, and I woke up in a hurry. "This morning, I feel like I'm still in a dream, as if I'm still dreaming, and I feel separated from you, and I will be separated from you for a long, long time..." When she said this, her voice was extremely low, and she added : "Being separated for a lifetime, and you have to make great efforts for a lifetime..." "why?" "Everyone is the same and it took a huge effort to reunite us." I didn't take what she said seriously, or I was afraid to take it seriously.I felt my heart beating violently, so I suddenly summoned up courage, and as if about to retort, I said to her: "I, I also had a dream this morning. I dreamed that I wanted to marry you. The combination must be very strong. No matter what, no matter what, nothing can separate us—unless we die." "Do you think death can separate people?" she said again. "I mean……" "I think it's just the opposite. Death brings people closer... yes, people who were separated during life." These words of ours penetrated deeply into our hearts, and the tone of our words can still be heard today, but I didn't understand the full seriousness until later. Summer passed.Most of the fields were harvested and bare, and the view was surprisingly wide.The day before my departure, no, two days ago, in the evening, Juliet and I went down to the grove in the lower garden. "What did you recite to Alyssa yesterday?" she asked me. "when?" "On the benches in the peat stones, after we left you..." "Hmm! . . . It must be some poems by Baudelaire . . . " "What poems are they? Won't you read them to me?" "'Soon we shall sink into icy darkness;'" I recited reluctantly; but she interrupted me at once, and continued in a trembling and inflected voice: "'Farewell, how short our bright summer is!'" "Why! Are you familiar with it?" I was very surprised and said loudly. "I thought you didn't like poetry..." "Why do you say that? Is it because you didn't recite the poem to me?" She said with a smile, but it was a little awkward. "You sometimes seem to think I'm a complete fool." "Very smart people may not all like poetry. I have never heard you read it, and you have never asked me to recite it to you." "Because Alyssa took care of everything by herself..." She paused for a moment, then said suddenly: "Are you leaving the day after tomorrow?" "It's time to go too." "What are you going to do this winter?" "On the first year of the Paris Ecole Normale Supérieure." "When do you want to marry Alyssa?" "Wait until I finish my military service. Maybe even when I'm a little bit more sure of what I'm going to do in the future." "You still don't know what you're going to do in the future?" "I don't want to know yet. There are too many things I'm interested in. I try to postpone the choice as much as possible. Once I'm sure, I can only do that one thing." "Are you afraid of confirmation when you postpone the engagement?" I shrugged my shoulders and didn't answer.She asked again: "Then what are you waiting for if you're not engaged? Why don't you get engaged right away?" "Why do we have to get engaged? We know that we belong to each other and will continue to do so in the future. Isn't that enough? Why tell everyone? If I am willing to dedicate my life to her, then I will tie my love with a promise. What do you think? Wouldn't it be nicer? I don't think so. Swearing seems like an insult to love. . . . I long to be engaged to her only if I can't trust her." "It's not her that I can't trust..." The two of us walked slowly until we came to the polka-dotted path in the garden: it was here that I overheard Alyssa talking to her father.A thought suddenly occurred to me: just now I saw Alyssa come into the garden, sitting on the Polka Dot Road, and I could hear our conversation; I catch it: I'm happy to do this, so I raise my voice: "Ah!" I said aloud, with exaggerated passion for my age, and so absorbed in what I said that I couldn't hear the meaning behind Juliet's words... "Ah! If we could bow down to the one we love How wonderful it would be to look at our own minds, like looking in a mirror, to see what kind of image is reflected in us! Looking at ourselves from others is like looking at ourselves from ourselves, even more clearly. In this How serene in this tenderness! How pure in this love!" I was still complacent, thinking that my poor lyricism had disturbed Juliet's size, and she suddenly buried her head on my shoulder: "Jerome! Jerome! I want to be sure that you make her happy! If she suffers because of you, then I think I shall hate you." "Ah! Juliet," I exclaimed, kissing her and raising her brow, "then I'll hate myself too. How would you know! . I have been reluctant to decide what career to do because of my life! In fact, my whole future hangs in the balance and it all depends on her! In fact, without her, no matter who I become in the future, I don’t want to..." "What did she say when you talked to her about it?" "But I never talk to her about it! Never. That's why we haven't been engaged yet; we've never talked about marriage, or what's going to happen to us when we're married. Juliet ! In my opinion, living with her is so beautiful that I dare not... Do you understand? I dare not tell her this." "You want happiness to surprise her." "No! That's not the case. In fact, I'm afraid...for frightening her, do you understand?...for the great happiness I'm seeing vaguely, don't frighten her!...One day I asked her if she wanted to Traveling, but she replied that she doesn’t want to say anything, as long as she knows that there is such a place, and it’s beautiful, and others can go there, that’s enough..." "And you, Jerome, are you eager to travel?" "Want to go anywhere! To me, life is like a long journey—with her, through books, through people, through places . . . Anchor, do you know what that means?" "Understood! I think about it often," murmured Juliet. But I didn't hear her, and let her words fall to the ground like a poor wounded bird, and I went on: "Departing overnight, when I woke up, the sky was full of rays of light, and I felt that the two of us were floating alone on the unpredictable waves..." "Then, I arrived at a port that I had seen on the map when I was a child. I felt that everything was strange... I can imagine that you are holding Alyssa's arm and disembarking from the gangway." "We hurried to the post office," I added, laughing, "to get our letter from Juliet..." "...is sent from Fengesmar, where she will stay forever, and you will feel how small, how bleak, and how far away Fengismar is..." Did she really say that?I can't be sure, because, as I said, my love is so preoccupied with me that I hardly hear other voices than this expression of love. We came near Polka Dot Road and were about to turn around and turn back when we suddenly saw Alyssa coming out of the shadows.She was so pale that Juliet cried out. "Yes, I don't feel well," Alyssa stammered hastily. "It's a bit cold outside. It seems that I'd better go back." She left us before she finished speaking, and walked quickly towards the small building. "She heard what we said," Juliet said loudly when Alyssa moved a little farther away. "But we didn't say anything to upset her. On the contrary..." "Let me go." She said, and ran to catch up with her sister. I couldn't sleep that night.Alyssa only showed up at dinner, complained of a headache, and then went back to her room.What did she hear us say?I was apprehensive, thinking about what we had said.Then it occurred to me that maybe I shouldn't be walking next to Juliet and putting my arms around her, but it was a child's habit, and Alyssa had seen us walk like this more than once.Hey!What a poor blind man I was, groping for my fault, and not even thinking about what Juliet said: I didn't pay attention to her words, and don't remember them very well, perhaps Alyssa heard them better.Whatever the reason!I was apprehensive, confused for a while, panicked at the thought that Alyssa might suspect me, and determined to overcome my doubts and fears, and got engaged the next day, without thinking of any other dangers, let alone What I might have said to Juliet, perhaps what she said about the engagement affected me. This is the day before I leave.She is so sad, I think it can be attributed to this.You could tell she was avoiding me.During the whole day, I had no chance of seeing her alone, and I was really afraid that I would have to go without saying what I had to say, so I went straight to her room to find her before dinner.With her back to the door, she raised her arms and was tying a coral necklace around her neck, while a candle was lit on each side of the mirror in front of her.She leaned forward slightly, looked over her shoulders, first saw me in the mirror, and continued to stare at me for a while without turning around. "Why! Why is my door open?" she said. "I knocked on the door, but you didn't answer, Alyssa, do you know I'm leaving tomorrow?" Alyssa didn't answer a word, but just put the necklace, which was unbuttoned, on the fireplace. I think the word "engagement" is too blunt and abrupt, and I don't know how to say it out of the ordinary.As soon as Alyssa understood what I meant, she seemed to lose her footing and leaned against the fireplace... However, I myself was shaking so badly that I didn't even dare to look up at her. I stood beside her, without raising my eyes, but took her hand.She didn't take her hand back, she just tilted her face down and raised my hand a little to kiss it.She leaned half on me and said softly: "No, Jerome, no, let's not get engaged, please..." My heart was pounding wildly, and I thought she must feel it.Her voice was softer, and she said: 'No, not yet...' "why?" "I should be asking you: why? Why change your mind?" I didn't dare to mention yesterday's conversation to her, but she looked at me and must have sensed that I was thinking there, as if to answer my thoughts simply: "You're mistaken, my friend. I don't need Qi Tian's Hong Fu. Aren't we also quite Li Fu?" She wanted to smile, but she didn't: "I'm not happy, because I'm leaving you." "Listen, Jerome, I can't talk to you at this hour of the evening. . . . Let's not spoil our last hour. . . . No, no. I love you as always, don't worry. I Will write to you and explain to you. I promise to write to you tomorrow...as soon as you go...now, you go! Look, I'm in tears...leave me alone for a while Son." She pushed me gently, pushing me away from her.This was our farewell, for I could not speak to her again in the evening, and she was shut up in her room when I set off next day.I saw her standing at the window, waving goodbye to me, and watching the car I was riding drive away.