Chapter 16 fourteen

The next day, I was in despair.Edmee was icy cold, M. de La Marche did not come.I believe the abbe visited his house privately, and related the results of their interview to Edmee.Besides, they behaved with the utmost composure; I suffered in silence from my uneasiness, and I was not able to be alone with Edmee for a moment.In the evening I walked up to M. de La Marche's house, not knowing what to say to him; I was in such a state of rage that I acted aimlessly and without plan.I learned that he had left Paris and had to go home.I found Uncle Hubert worried.He frowned when he looked at me, and after a few words of forced idleness, left me and the abbe.The priest tried to make me speak, but as unsuccessfully as the night before.For several days I looked for an opportunity to speak to Edmee; she kept avoiding it.She looked neither sad nor happy as she prepared to return to Saint-Several.I resolved to slip a note in the pages of her book requesting an interview.Five minutes later, I received the following reply:

One interview won't solve many problems.Now, you insist on brutish Rites; and I, I will keep my allegiance.The upright will not break free from the oath bondage.I swore to belong to no one but you.I won't come out to marry, but I never swore that it must be yours anyway.if you still Unworthy of my respect, I have my own way of remaining free.my poor father My father is dying; once the only tie that binds me to society is broken Now, the monastery will be my refuge. In this way I fulfilled all the terms Edmee imposed; in return she asked me to get rid of them.Compared with the day she talked with the priest, I am still in the same place.

I shut myself up in my bedroom for the rest of the day; all night I paced up and down restlessly, unable to sleep.I won't tell you what exactly I was thinking, but in short, I am worthy of an educated person in the upper class.At daylight I went to Lafayette.He obtained for me the necessary papers to leave France.He wanted me to meet him in Spain, and from there embark for America.I went back to the mansion to get the clothes and money necessary for a most modest journey.I left a note for my uncle so that he would not be apprehensive about my going away, and I promised to write him a long letter shortly to explain it to him.I beg him not to judge me until then, trusting that I will always remember his kindness in my heart.

I set off before my family was up, lest any sign of friendliness should shake my resolve.I felt that I had cheated an overly generous affection.As I passed Edmee's house, I kissed the keyhole; then, with my head in my hands, I ran like a madman till I reached the other side of the Pyrenees.There, after a short rest, I wrote to Edmee that she was free, and that I would not disobey any of her decisions, but that it was impossible for me to see my rival triumph.I was convinced in my heart that she loved M. de La Marche; I was determined to restrain my love; I promised more than I could keep, but the first reaction of wounded pride gave me confidence in myself.I also wrote to my uncle, telling him that as long as I had not won honor like a knight, I did not consider myself worthy of his infinite mercy.I confided to him, naively and proudly, that I hoped to gain the rank of a warrior; and, confident that Edmee would read the letter, I feigned unconcerned gaiety and unrepentant enthusiasm.I don't know if my uncle understands the real reason why I ran away from home; but I cannot confess it to him out of pride.The priest is no exception, I still wrote him a letter full of gratitude and affection.I begged my uncle not to pay for my repairs to the gloomy keep on the Mopra Rock, promising never to make up my mind to live there.I want him to treat the land he bought as his daughter's property, and I only ask him to advance me a share of my income for two or three years so that I can buy equipment, lest my utter devotion to the American cause become a noble Raphael A particularly heavy burden.

My conduct and my letter are evidently satisfactory.Not long after my arrival on the coast of Spain, I received a letter of encouragement from my uncle, mildly reproaching me for my sudden departure.He has given me his fatherly blessing, and on his honor Edmee will never accept the domain of Mopra Rock.He also sent me a huge sum of money, not counting my future earnings.Shennan expressed the same gentle reprimand, plus more enthusiastic encouragement.It was not difficult to see that he cared more for Edmee's well-being than mine, and was sincerely glad at my departure.Yet he liked me, and that friendship expressed itself in a deeply moving way, mingled with satisfaction that chilled my heart.He envied my fate, was passionate about the cause of independence, and claimed to have been tempted on more than one occasion to take up a pistol.But all this was childish affectation to him.His docile and shy character made him forever a priest in the guise of a philosopher.

Between these two letters was an unaddressed note, which seemed to have been inserted after consideration.I knew right away that it was from the only person in the world I really cared about, but I didn't have the guts to tear it apart.I wandered on the sandy beach of the seashore, fiddling with this thin piece of paper with trembling hands, for fear of losing the hopeless peace my determination gave me while reading.I was especially apprehensive about the warm expressions of thanks and joy contained in the letter, from which I might surmise her desirable love for another. "What can she write to me?" I said to myself. "Why should she write to me? I don't want her pity, let alone her gratitude."

I really want to throw this ill-fated note into the sea.Once I even held it aloft above the waves; but immediately drew it back against my heart, and hid it there for a moment, as if I believed in the peculiar sight preached by the magnetists, who claim to use the sense organs and The mental organ can read as clearly as the eyes. At the end of the day, I made up my mind to unseal and read the following: Bernard, you are right; but I do not thank you, because your parting The pain it caused me is beyond words.However, you still Go where your honor and love of truth call you; my best wishes

And my prayers will follow you everywhere.Come back when you're done; to Then you'll find that I'm neither married nor a nun. In the note she enclosed the onyx ring which she had given me during my illness and which I returned to her when I left Paris.I had a locket made, and I kept the note and this ring in it, and carried it with me like a talisman.Lafayette was arrested in France by the orders of the governor who opposed his expedition, and joined us shortly after his escape.I had plenty of time to prepare, and at last I set sail full of melancholy, ambition, and hope. You don't expect me to cover the American Revolutionary War.Once again, in telling the story of my adventures, I cut off my own life from historical events.But here I am even going to omit private experiences; they form a single chapter in my memory, with Edmee playing the part of the Virgin Mary, constantly invoked and invisible.In the above experience, the figure of this angel, the only figure worthy of your attention-firstly for her own value, and secondly for her influence on me-was not present at all, and I can hardly imagine your interest in hearing such a part of the story. would be interested.I only tell you that I first accepted the junior rank willingly in Washington's army, and then I rose to the rank of officer with regularity and rapidity.My military training was short.In this, as in everything I have done in life, I have done my best; by perseverance I have overcome all difficulties.

I have earned the trust of some great leaders.A strong constitution made me fit for the fatigues of war; even my former brigandish habits helped me a great deal.The composure with which I suffered my setbacks was equal to that of all the young Frenchmen who disembarked with me, however brave they may have been in other respects.I was characterized by calmness and tenacity, which amazed my comrades, who saw how quickly I was accustomed to the life of the woods, how alert I was, and how well I fought the savage tribes that sometimes harassed our marches. Doubt my parentage more than once. In the course of my constant labors and frequent transfers, God gave me a worthy young man as a companion and friend, with whom I had the privilege of cultivating my intellect.His love of natural history led him to join our expedition, and he appeared to be a good soldier; but it is not difficult to see that political sympathies played only a secondary part in his decision.He does not want to be promoted and lacks talent for strategic research.Collecting plant specimens and observing animals attracted his attention far more than successes in war and victories in liberty.When the war opportunity appeared, he fought very bravely, and he should never be accused of being half-hearted.But before and after the battle, he seemed to forget that being on the prairie of the New World was related to other things besides scientific investigation.His saddlebags were always bulging, filled not with money and finery, but with natural history specimens.While we lay prone on the grass, listening alertly for any sound that might indicate the approach of an enemy, he was absorbed in analyzing a plant or an insect.This is an admirable young man, pure as an angel, selfless like an ascetic, tenacious like a scholar, with a bright and friendly personality.When we were suddenly attacked and in danger, all he cared about and exclaimed was precious stones and priceless grass stalks on his horse's rump; Take good care of the wounded.

One day, he noticed the gold box I hid in my clothes, and immediately begged me to give it to him, so that he could store some flying insect legs and cicada wings, which he was going to defend till the last drop of blood. .It takes all my reverence for love's souvenirs to resist this demand for friendship.All he was allowed was to keep a very beautiful little flower in my precious box.This plant, which he claimed to have discovered for the first time, was entitled to a place next to my fiancée's letter and ring only on condition that it be named 'Edme Sylvesteris'.He agreed to the condition; he had named a beautiful wild apple tree "Samuel Adams," and a certain nimble bee "Franklin," and combined his original observations with some noble Nothing pleases him more than his name. ① Latin transliteration, meaning "Edmee of the Forest".

② Samuel Adams (1722-1803), American statesman. I felt a passionate attachment for him, especially since this was my first friendship with a man of my own age.The fascination I discovered through this intimacy revealed to me new aspects of life, qualities and needs of the soul which I had hitherto not known.As I have never been able to get rid of the early impressions of my childhood, I would gladly consider him my comrade in arms, out of love for chivalry;His willingness to agree with my idea is a testament to how close we are to each other.He thought I was born a naturalist, because I was adapted to a vagabond life and arduous expeditions.Sometimes he reproached me for being inattentive; he scolded me gravely when I rashly trampled upon interesting plants; , but a "wonderful" classification system.His prophecy never came true, but his encouragement awakened interest in research in me, and my military career paralyzed my mind again.He was sent for me; without him, I might have become, if not a bandit of the Maupra Rocks, at least a savage of Varennes.His teachings aroused my affection for spiritual life.He has elevated my mind, and ennobled my instincts; and though his virtue of rectitude and habit of modesty refrained from engaging in philosophic controversies, he was born with a love of justice, and settled all sentiments and morals with unbiased wisdom. problematic aspects.He had a great influence on me; the priest did not, and the priest and I were suspicious of each other from the beginning.He revealed to me many mysteries of the material world; but most valuable of all, he taught me to form the habit of knowing myself and rethinking my impressions.I was finally able to control my impulses to some degree.I will never be able to restrain my pride and violent temperament.A person cannot change his nature, but he can lead his various talents to the right path, and often turn his shortcomings into advantages-this is indeed the great mystery and the great topic of education. My many conversations with my good friend Arthur led me to a series of such reflections, and at last I deduced logically from all my recollections the motives of Edmee's behaviour.I find her noble and generous, especially from the things I have misunderstood and misjudged, and which have grieved me most.I couldn't love her more, but I understood why I couldn't help loving her when she had caused me so much pain in the past.During the six years of our separation, this sacred fire burned within me without dimming for a moment.In spite of my vigour, in spite of the erotic thrills of the outside world, in spite of bad examples and all kinds of opportunities to tease human frailty in the life of free military mobility, I can ask God to testify that I have not defiled my pure body, Never tasted a woman's kiss.Arthur's character is relatively quiet, not easy to be tempted, and his mental work almost attracts his entire attention, but even he can't always maintain the same serious and industrious spirit.On several occasions he even advised me not to risk a peculiar life, contrary to the wishes of nature.When I told him that there was a strong passion that eliminated all my weaknesses and made it impossible for me to fall, he stopped objecting to what he called fanaticism (a very popular word that can be used almost indiscriminately) aspect).I noticed that he regarded me with increasing respect, even respect, not necessarily in words, but in countless small signs of approval and deference. One day he was speaking of the power of mild manners combined with unshakable resolution, giving examples of good and evil from the history of mankind, and especially of the mildness of the apostles and the hypocrisy of all religious priests, I heard As he said this, he suddenly wanted to ask him whether my willful temper and violent character would have some kind of influence on my close relatives.When I use the word "next kin," I have only Edmee in mind.Arthur replied that I would have another kind of great influence than the mild one.He said: "The influence comes from simple goodwill. Here, warm-heartedness, zeal and constancy in affection are necessary in family life. These qualities make our faults endearing even to those relatives who are usually most intolerant of such faults. Hence, out For the love of those who love us, we should also strive to overcome our own shortcomings. But it seems to me that it is a childish pursuit, a selfish effort, to prescribe for ourselves a moderation in love and friendship. To do so will first Killing affection in oneself, and soon in others. I only speak of prudent sobriety in the exercise of power by the authorities over the masses. But in case you have ambitions...” "Do you believe, then," I refrained from his last remark, "that a man like me, with all my faults and consequent mistakes, can make a woman happy and make her love me? " "Oh, amorous man!" he exclaimed, "it's hard to distract you! ... Well, Bernard, if you want to know, I'll give you my opinion on your love affairs. You love so much A passionate woman loves you too, unless she doesn't know how to love, or lacks judgement altogether." I assured him that she was better than all other women, as lions are better than squirrels, and cedars are better than hyssop;At the moment he wanted me to give certain details in order, he said, to judge whether I was right about Edmee.I opened up to him without reservation and told my story from beginning to end.At this time we are at the edge of a beautiful virgin forest, bathed in the afterglow of the setting sun.I gazed at the trees on the moor, uncultivated, soaring above our heads in a display of strength and primal charm.Then the Garden of Saint-Severre, with its majestic oaks never felled by the axe, came to my mind.The blazing horizon reminds me of night visits to Patience's cottage, where Edmee sits under the golden vines; The chirping of rare birds.I missed my distant motherland and thought of the vast Atlantic Ocean that separated us and swallowed countless tourists returning home, and I couldn't help crying.I thought too of the chances of merit, of the dangers of war, and for the first time I dreaded death; for good friend Arthur held my hand, and vouched that Edmee loved me, and from every action of severity or suspicion Saw new evidence.he told me: "You are so childish. Can't you see that if she won't marry you, she has a way of getting rid of your pursuit once and for all? If she doesn't have an infinite love for you, why should she ask for trouble and do so much?" Sacrifice wants you to get rid of your base vices, and make you worthy of her? Well, you're set on the gallantry of the knight-errant of the Middle Ages, can't you see that you're a noble knight, and by violating the conventions of chivalry, Asking for love in an outrageous tone that should be kneeling and begging, and thus being punished by the person you love, and having to undergo a severe test?" He scrutinized my crime, and felt that the punishment, though heavy, was just; and then he explored the possibilities, and kindly persuaded me to submit to Edmee's wishes till she thought it proper to pardon me. "But," I said, "how can a mature man like me, who is good at thinking and has been tested by the hardships of war, obey a woman's will like a child? Isn't it shameful?" "No," replied Arthur, "it's not disgraceful; the woman's conduct was not arbitrary. Rehabilitation only earns honour, and how few do! Offended dignified women demand their rights and their birthright. Nothing can be more just than your independence. You have behaved like Albian, so don't blame Edmee for acting like Philadelphia. She won't submit until honorably reconciled; she is right." ①Albian, the ancient name of Britain. ②Philadelphia symbolizes the United States.The United States' Declaration of Independence was proclaimed in Philadelphia on July 9, 1776. He wanted to know how Edmee had treated me during the two years since we had been in America.I showed her a few rare text messages.He was impressed by the good intentions and absolute integrity which he seemed to read in the nobility of tone and the forceful precision of his writing.Edmee made no promises to me, nor even encouraged me by any direct hope; but she expressed a strong desire for my return, and spoke of the nights at the castle, when they were all round the fire listening to my adventures. would have fun; she told me without hesitation that her father and I were the only people in the world she cared about.Yet, though this tenderness never abated, I was troubled by a terrible suspicion.In these short messages from my cousin, as in her father's letters, and in the kindly and splendid long letters of the abbe Aubert, there was never any reference to what could or should have happened in the family.Everyone talked only about himself, and never about anyone else, except that the knight's gout had returned.It seems that there was a tacit understanding between the three people, and none of them told me the things and thoughts of the other two. I said to Arthur: "Teach me in this, if you can, and put my mind at ease. Sometimes I fancy that Edmee must be married, and it is agreed to keep it from me until I go back; after all; who Can this marriage be prevented? Could she be so fond of me that she should live a lonely life out of love for me, and at the same time let this love be governed by calm reason and serious consciousness, willing to see our parting follow the infinite war? Doubtless I have obligations here; honor requires me to defend our flag until victory comes or the cause I serve is irretrievably lost. But I feel more in love with Edmee than with I love those meaningless names; I'd rather have my name laughed at, or cursed by the world, to see her an hour sooner." "This last thought was caused by your violent passions," replied Arthur, with a slight smile, "but you don't do what you say when the opportunity arises. We struggle with a faculty that Thought the rest of the faculties were dead; yet an external shock would awaken them, and make us see that our mind draws life from several sources at once. You are not indifferent to honor, Bernard; if Edmee were to You give up honor, and you find that you actually value it more than you think. You have strong republican convictions; Edmee was the first to inspire you. In fact, if she were to say to you today: 'In Beyond the religion I have proclaimed to you and the gods I have revealed to you, there is something more sublime and holier--my will, 'So what will you think of her, what has become of her What about people? Bernard, your love is full of contradictory demands. Besides, all love in the world is inherently contradictory. Men always think that women have no independent existence and should always be attached to them. However, only character appears to be self-contradictory. They love women above their weakness and indolence. You see, the colonists here have beautiful slave girls, but don't love them, however handsome they may be. If they really love one of them now and then , then the first concern is to set her free. Until then, they do not think they are dealing with a woman. Therefore, independence, morality, responsibility, all these unique endowments of a noble mind, are very important in choosing a lifelong daughter. Companionship is essential. The more strength and patience your lover demonstrates, the more you should cherish her, despite the pain you may feel. You must learn to distinguish desire from love. Desire requires the destruction of the The object is conquered and extinguished; love demands survival, and for this it wishes to see the object of admiration long guarded by walls of diamond, whose strength and brilliance constitute value and beauty." Thus Arthur explained to me the mysterious motive force of my passion, and illuminated the stormy abyss of my soul with the light of his wisdom.Occasionally he added: "If God had given me the woman I sometimes dream of, I believe it would be able to cultivate my love as a noble and generous passion. But science takes up too much of my time, and I have no time to find my ideal. Lover; it is impossible to study her or recognize her, even if you meet her. Bernard, you have achieved this happiness; but you cannot study natural history; one cannot have everything one wants." As for my doubts about Edmee's marriage, he always dismissed them as morbid obsessions.On the contrary, he found in Edmee's refraining from speaking of the matter a noble quality of feeling and of man which was admirable.He said: "A vain woman is eager to let you know of the sacrifices she has made for you, and enumerates the titles and identities of the suitors she rejects. Lovely Deme has too high a heart and too serious a mind to do Such frivolous gestures. She regards your oath as inviolable; and does not imitate the weak-willed, who talk of victory and take credit for it, while the truly strong think it easy to do. Her nature is so true. , I can't even imagine anyone doubting her character from the opposite side." Those words seemed to put a plaster on my wounds.When France finally professed its support for the American cause, I received a message from the priest that completely reassured me in this regard.He wrote me that I might see an old friend again in the New World.The Comte de La Marche has been ordered to command a regiment and is heading for America. "Only between us," added the abbe, "he has a great need to establish himself in society. This young man, though modest and down-to-earth, has always had one weakness: he succumbs to the prejudices of aristocratic families. He is proud of his poverty He was ashamed, and tried to hide it like a leprosy. Not wanting to let the signs of his gradual bankruptcy show, he finally broke completely. In society, everyone blamed Edmee for breaking up with him. some even say that he loves her dowry property less than she is. I cannot believe that he has such mean intentions; I only think that a miscalculation of the value of property in the world led him to eat Bitter. If you meet him, Edmee would like you to show him friendship, and care for him as she always did. Your wonderful cousin's conduct in this, as in everything else, is With goodwill and dignity."