Chapter 13 eleven

I was exhausted, and when I woke up the next day, yesterday's events seemed like a dream.It seemed to me that Edmee's mention of being my wife was a deceitful bait to delay my hopes infinitely;In any case, the effect has been produced.The excitement of the day has left an indelible mark on me; I am no longer the man I was yesterday, and I should never be fully the Mopra Rock again. The sun is three poles, and I spend the whole morning to make up for the hours of sleepless nights.I didn't get up, but I heard the hooves of M. de La Marche's horse on the gravel of the courtyard.Every day he came at this time; every day he saw Edmee as early as I did, and even on the day she tried to convince me that she was mine, he kissed this place coldly before me. Only belong to my hand.Thinking of this incident, I can't help being suspicious.If Edmee really wanted to marry someone other than him, how could she bear his presence?Maybe she didn't dare push him away, maybe it was me.I do not know the customs of the social circle into which I have entered.Instinct makes me wallow in passion, instinct speaks out loud.

I hurriedly put on my clothes.Pale and disheveled, I went into the drawing-room; Edmee was also pale.It was rainy and cool in the morning.A fire was lit in the great fireplace.She was buried in the high-backed chair, dozing and toasting her little feet.She was so lethargic and numb during sick days.M. de La Marche was reading a newspaper at the other end of the room.Seeing that yesterday's excitement had made Edmee more exhausted than I was, I felt my anger go away, and I approached her and sat down in silence, looking at her with emotion. "Is that you, Bernard?" she said to me, without moving or opening her eyes.

Her elbows were resting on the arm of the armchair, her hands were elegantly folded and rested under her chin.At that time, women's arms are half naked almost all the year round.I saw a little strip of sticking-plaster on Edmee's arm, and my heart skipped a beat.It's a minor wound, which I scratched on the window grating yesterday.Gently lifting the lace that hangs down to my elbows, emboldened by her nap, I press my lips to the painful wound.M. de La Marche could see me; he was actually looking at me; I acted deliberately.I longed to quarrel with him.Edmee was shivering, and flushed; then she resumed her unbridled teasing.

"Really, Bernard," she said to me, "you are as elegant as a court priest this morning. Didn't you write some love poems last night?" The mockery insulted me oddly; but it was my turn to grow confident. "Yes, I wrote one at the church window last night," I answered, "and if it's bad, cousin, it's your fault." "You're going to say it's your education's fault," she said excitedly. Her natural arrogance and vivacity made her more graceful than ever when revealed. "I think I have had too much education," I answered, "and you would not laugh at me so much if I had followed my natural reason a little further."

"I do think that you are outwitting Bernard and playing with metaphors," said M. de La Marche, folding up the newspaper nonchalantly, and approaching us. "I don't care about that," I replied, stabbed at the insolence, "let her be funny with people like you." I rose to confront him, but he did not seem to notice; leaning on the fireplace with unimaginable ease, he leaned over Edmee, and asked in a soft, almost friendly voice: "What's the matter with him?" as if asking about his puppy's health. "I know what it is?" Edmee answered in the same tone.

Then she got up and said: "My head hurts from staying here. Give me your arm, please, and go upstairs to my room." She leaned on him and went out; I was dumbfounded. I waited, determined to insult him as soon as he came back into the drawing-room; but the priest came in, and soon my uncle Hubert also came in.The topics they started talking about were alien to me (as was almost the entire conversation).I don't know how to retaliate. I dare not be presumptuous when facing my uncle.I feel that I should respect the host's hospitality and save face.At Mopra Rock, I never tried to restrain myself like this.Anger and insult came naturally; I could barely bear it in waiting for vengeance.Several times the knight noticed the change in my face, and kindly asked me if I was ill.M. de La Marche seemed to have neither noticed nor suspected anything.Only the priest watched me carefully.I saw his blue eyes restlessly looking at me, the natural insight of which is usually concealed in a look of timidity.The priest did not like me.I could easily see that his gentle, witty demeanor grew involuntarily cold when he spoke to me; I even noticed that his face was ready to take on a sad look whenever I approached.

Feeling almost faint, the self-restraint I had endured was unaccustomed to my strength, and I went and threw myself on the garden grass.This is where I hide when I get emotional.These great oaks, these hundred-year-old lichens hanging from their branches, these pale, fragrant flowers—symbols of hidden pain, they were my childhood friends, only they remained unchanged when I saw them again, no matter what In social life or in nature.I hid my face in my hands; and I cannot remember, in any calamity in my life, that I have suffered more wretched suffering.Then I felt very real misfortune, and in the end I had to consider myself lucky to have so many unexpected good things after I escaped the arduous and dangerous life of the Bandit: warmth, care, wealth.Freedom, education, good advice and a good example.In order to pass from one state of mind to the opposite, from evil to good, from pain to enjoyment, from weariness to rest, it goes without saying that man must suffer, all the elastic parts of the body are strained in the gestation of a new destiny. to the point of breaking.Therefore, towards the end of summer, the sky is covered with dark clouds, and the earth trembles as if under the onslaught of a storm.

At this moment, all I wanted was to find a way to satisfy my hatred of M. de La Marche without revealing, or even suspecting, the secret relationship I could boast of with Edmee.Although the sanctity of the oath is nothing at Mopra Rock, and as I have said, I have only seen a few chivalric ballads, I have a legendary love for the faithfulness of the oath, which is almost all I have. The only virtue.The promise of secrecy I had made to Edmee I kept steadfastly.I wonder: "Have I really found no extenuating excuse for throwing myself upon my enemy and strangling him?" To tell you the truth, it's not easy to deal with a man who seems determined to be polite and attentive to me.

I was so troubled that I forgot the hour of supper; and when I saw the sun go down and disappear behind the towers of the castle, I thought too late that my absence would probably have been noticed, and it was impossible for me to go back. No abrupt questioning from Edmee, or cold peeps from the priest.He seemed to always avoid my eyes, and I suddenly found that his eyes looked into the deepest part of my conscience. I made up my mind not to go back until night; I lay on the grass, trying to fall asleep, to give my bursting head a rest.I did fall asleep.When I awoke, the moon had risen in the still fiery evening sky.The sound that makes me shudder is very slight; some sounds strike the heart before the eardrum, and the slightest outpouring of love sometimes penetrates deep into the toughest flesh.Edmee's voice just mentioned my name not far behind the foliage.At first I thought I was dreaming, and stood still, holding my breath and listening.She went with the priest to the hermit's house.They stood on the grass-covered path, stopped five or six steps away from me, and talked in whispers; in whispering, this obviously unusual way attracted attention and mattered a lot.edmee says:

"I'm afraid he's quarreling with M. de La Marche; or worse, who knows? You don't know Bernard." "He must be kept out of this place at all costs," replied the priest. "You cannot live like this, being constantly molested by a robber." "Needless to say, it's impossible to live. I haven't been free for a moment since he came here. I'm shut up in my bedroom, or have to seek the protection of my friends, not to go further. The best I can do is go down the stairs, through the cloister. Always sent LeBlanc to spy first. The poor old lady thought I was crazy when she saw my courage. The restraint is abominable. I don't go to sleep until the bolt is bolted. You see, Father, I dare not walk without a dagger, like a heroine in a Spanish ballad."

"If this vile fellow met you and threatened you, you would stab him in the side, wouldn't you? Such an opportunity must not be allowed to arise. Edmee, a way must be found to change the situation at stake. I think , you have been reluctant to reveal to your father, you were forced to make a terrible deal with this robber at Maupra Rock, and your father cut off his friendship. Anyway... Ah! My poor Edmee, I am not a man of blood, but I lament twenty times a day that my priestly character does not allow me to challenge this man to rid you of him forever." This merciful regret, whispered innocently in my ear, gave me a strong desire to jump out suddenly, if only to test the priest's combative temper; but I was eager to find Edmee. For my true feelings and true intentions, I will hold it still. "Don't worry," she said breezyly, "if he tires of my patience, I won't hesitate to drive this knife into his cheek. I'm sure a little blood will calm his enthusiasm." come down." They took a few steps closer. "Listen, Edmee," said the abbé, stopping again, "we cannot talk about this in the presence of Paccience; we cannot discuss it without a decision. You and Bernard are on the verge of danger. My child, I I feel that you have not done all you can to prevent the misfortune that may befall us; for what is bad for you is bad for us all, and it stays in our hearts." "I am listening to you, my mentor," replied Edmee, "reprove me, and advise me." At this time, she was leaning on the tree, and I was lying in the bushes and grass next to the root of the tree.I think she can see me, because I see her clearly; but she is far from aware that I am looking at her face as beautiful as a fairy, and the breeze sprinkles the shadows of the trees and the moon in the forest from time to time. Crystal white light blew onto her face. "I say, Edmee," added the abbe, folding his arms upon his breast, and patting his forehead from time to time, "that you do not soberly assess your situation. Sometimes you are in a situation where you lose all hope and want to die (yes. Yes, my dear boy, your body has grown visibly thinner); sometimes I will say to you, even if it annoys you, that you are so flippant and indifferent that I am amazed at your danger." "This last reproach is a bit delicate, my friend," she replied, "let me excuse myself. Your surprise comes from your ignorance of the Maupras. It is a family that is untamable, unchangeable, and only 'big-headed' sticks' or 'robbers' and the like. These people, even though they have been smoothed out by education, still have a lot of knots left: supreme arrogance, iron will, deep contempt for life. You see, although my father was merciful Adorable, sometimes agitated, to throw the snuffbox on the table and break it when your arguments about politics overwhelm his views, or when you beat him at chess. As for me, I feel I The veins are thick, as if I were born in the noble ranks of the people, but I don't believe that any Mauprat has been famous at court because of elegance. I was born brave, how can you make me not commit suicide? I have also been weak Moments: dejected, bemoaning my fate, a perfect woman. Whether it irritates me or threatens me, the blood of the mighty family stirs; unable to destroy the enemy, I fold my arms and laugh , poor enemy to frighten me. Look, priest, you don't think that's exaggerated; for tomorrow, maybe tonight, what I say may come true: this mother-of-pearl knife is not a hero's knife, but a Good knife, look, Don Marcus sharpened it (he is good at sharpening knives), and I am with me day and night, and I have made up my mind. My wrist is not strong enough, but I will stab the knife, as I can whip That's like a whip. After doing that, my reputation is safe; my life depends on whether M. Bernard drinks more or less a glass of wine these few nights, on a meeting, on a meeting. The glimpse he thought he had found between de La Marche and me depended on perhaps meaningless things! What to do? Can I erase the past when I'm sad? We can't tear away anything in our lives Pages, but we can throw books into the fire. One bad day, fate led me to hunt, lost me in the woods, and met a Maupra, who led me to a robber's nest, and I escaped humiliation, perhaps death, but forever linking his life to that of a wild child who has none of my principles, my opinions, my sympathy, and perhaps (I should say definitely) never grasps , this fate, even if I cry all night, can I prevent it? It is a misfortune. I have been in the bright light of a happy fate, I am the pride and joy of my old father, I I'm about to marry a man I respect and love; no pain, no fear has ever come near me; I've had neither insecure days nor sleepless nights. Hey! God wouldn't it be so good Thus ends his life; may its will be done! There are days when it seems to me that the loss of all hope seems inevitable, and I think I am dead and my fiancé a widower. Without my poor father, I would have Really laughing; I'm not used to fear and unhappiness, and as soon as I experience those feelings, I get tired of life." "It's a great courage, but it's terrible!" exclaimed the priest in a changed voice. "It's close to determined suicide, Edmee!" "Oh! I would love my life," she replied impulsively, "but I would not have bargained with life if my reputation had not been through these dangers intact. I will not accept that, if only to think of my I have never dared to think about my mistakes, and I feel humiliated. I will never accept such a life of losing my virginity. If God is very strict with me in this regard, I need to make a choice between shame and death..." "You will never be disgraced, Edmee; such a holy heart, such a pure heart..." "Oh, my dear priest! Anyway, I'm probably not as clean as you think, I'm not very orthodox religiously, and you're not very orthodox, priest... I don't care much about high society, I don't like it ;I neither fear nor despise public opinion, with which I would never have any business. I do not know what maxim of virtue might be so powerful to keep me from sinking, if evil spirits were instigating me. I have read The New Heloise I burst into tears. Because I am a Maupra, with unalterable pride, I can never bear the power of men, nor the slaps of my husbands, nor the violence of my lovers; I refuse to entreat, but submit to force, This belongs only to a vassal mind and a cowardly character. Solange, the beautiful shepherdess, would rather have her head on the ground than submit to the power of the lord. You know, the family of Mauprat, mother and daughter, wants to be in Berry. Baptized in the name of the patron saint." ① "New Heloise" (1761) is Rousseau's famous epistolary novel, which describes the love tragedy between the French aristocratic lady Julie and the tutor Saint-Pulet in the 18th century. ② refers to the story of the French girl Solange in the 9th century.She had taken an oath of chastity and was put to death for refusing the duke's request to break her oath. "Yes, I know you are proud and capable," said the abbe, "and I respect you more than any woman in high society. I wish you to live free, to marry a worthy marriage, and to fulfill the fine soul of the human family." Be good at making a difference. Besides, you are indispensable to your father; your death will hasten his death, even though this Mauprat is still healthy and strong. Drive away these gloomy thoughts and extreme resolutions. That strange experience at Mopra Rock was nothing but a nightmare. We all had nightmares during the night of terror and it is time to wake up; we can't be scared like children ; there is but one decision for you to make, and that is the one I told you." "Father, this decision seems to me most improbable. I swear it by what is most sacred in the world and in the hearts of men." "Oaths obtained by threats and violence are not binding on anyone, and the laws of mankind declare them void; and especially in such cases, it goes without saying, that the divine law frees the conscience. If you are orthodox, I Go up to Rome, and walk on foot, to free you from such a rashly made wish; but you do not obey the pope, Edmee . . . nor me." "In that case, do you want me to break my promise?" "Your heart will not break your promise." "My heart might be treacherous! I swore it because I knew what I had done and could have killed myself on the spot; I had a knife three times bigger than this one in my hand. I wanted to live, and especially To see my father again, and to kiss him. I would give my life, I would give my immortal soul, for the uneasiness which my disappearance caused him to dispel. I told you last night However, I renew my promise, and without restraint; for there is a wall between me and my dear fiancé." "How can you be so careless, Edmee? That's what I can't understand you." "Well, I believe so, because even I don't understand what I'm doing," said Edmee strangely. "My dear child, you must talk to me frankly. I alone can advise you here, because only I can tell you anything about me, on the guarantee of the holy friendship of the Catholic Church in the secrecy of confession. You Answer me now. Don't you see how likely you are to marry Bernard Mauprat?" "How can the inevitable be impossible?" said Edmee, "otherwise there is nothing but drowning; otherwise there is only misfortune and despair; therefore, I can only marry Bernard Mauprat. " "I will not perform my priesthood for this absurd and deplorable union," cried the abbe; "you should be the wife and slave of this robber! You said, Edmee, that you could not bear the slaps of your husband, I can't bear the brutality of my lover." "Do you think he will hit me?" "It's fine if he doesn't kill you!" "Oh! No," she replied mischievously, throwing the knife from her hand, "I will kill him first. Maupra will also be controlled!" "You're joking, Edmee, oh my God! You're joking at the thought of such a marriage! Even if this man loves and respects you, you think he can't understand you, he thinks vulgar, Is the language trivial? Is it disgusting to think of such a union? Great Lord, in what language do you speak to him?" I was on the verge of getting up again, and throwing myself at my slanderer; but I suppressed my anger, and Edmee spoke.I listened carefully again. "I know very well that after three days I'll just have to wipe my neck; one way or another, since things are bound to happen, why can't I just keep going until the inevitable moment? I'll tell you, I miss life a little bit. Everyone who has passed the Mopra Rock is gone forever. I, instead of dying there, I married it. So, I will go straight to my wedding day, if I feel that Bernard is too Damn it, I'm going to kill myself after the ball." "Edmee, your head is full of whimsical ideas at the moment," said the priest impatiently; "by God's grace, your father will not consent to this marriage; he has promised M. de La Marche, you I promised myself. Only this promise works." "My father will happily consent to this marriage, which is the direct succession of his name and lineage. As for M. de La Marche, he will break my promise without my trouble to propose it to him; as soon as he knows that I am at Mauprat. After two hours, no other explanation is needed." "He does not deserve the respect I pay him if he thinks that you have sullied your name through a misadventure which, though you have escaped cleanly." "I owe my escape to Bernard!" said Edmee. "I want to thank him, in spite of his reservations and conditions, for his deeds, so far as robbers are concerned, are marvelous and inconceivable." "God forbid I should deny that education has developed good qualities in this young man; and it is because of this good that it may perhaps make him a little more sensible." "Educated? He will never consent; and even if he consented to be educated, he would be no more accomplished than Patience. Man's body is bred for animal life, and the mind can no longer be flexed by the scale of intellect. gone." "I believe so, that's not what I was talking about. I was talking about an explanation with him, to make him understand that, for the sake of his honor, he should release you from your promise to marry M. de la Marche." ;Otherwise, this is only a rough man, not worthy of respect and consideration; he should feel that he is wrong and irrational, and act wisely and decently. You insist on my secret, then release me, Allow me to speak to him openly and honestly, and I guarantee you success." "I assure you on the contrary," said Edmee, "and I will not agree to it. Regardless of Bernard, I insist on returning from the confrontation with him, and if I do what you wish, he will have a reason." Believe me, I have played him dishonorably up to now." "There is one last way, and that is to rely on the decency and wisdom of M. de La Marche. Let him judge your situation freely, and let him decide what to choose. You have every right to tell him your secret, and you can tell yourself If he is cowardly and leaves you in such a situation, there is only one last resort for you: to hide behind the bars of the monastery, to avoid Bernard's violent actions. You stay in the monastery for several years, Pretend to wear a veil. The youth will forget you; the people will set you free again." "It is indeed someone's sensible idea, and I have thought of it; but it is not yet time to take that step." "Of course. M. de La Marche will have to try to tell the truth. If he is good-hearted, as I imagine, he will put you under his protection and be responsible for the transfer of Bernard, or by persuasion." , or by coercive means." "By what means of coercion, priest?" "The means of coercion that a nobleman can, according to our custom, have over a man of his rank are by honor and the sword." "Ah! priest, you too are a man of blood! This is what I have always tried to avoid, and what I will avoid in the future, even at the cost of life and honor! I don't want these two people to come into conflict." "I can imagine; one of the two of them is rightly valued by you. It is evident that in this conflict the danger will not be on M. de La Marche's side." "The danger is on Bernard's side!" Edmee exclaimed. "This poor boy can only handle a club or a slingshot. If M. de La Marche should challenge him to a duel, I fear M. de La Marche will have no mercy. How did such a thought come to your mind, priest! You must hate this unfortunate Bernard! Did I let my fiancé kill him to thank him for risking his life to save me! No, no, I can't bear to be provoked or insulted by him, and I can't bear others Make him hard. He's my cousin, a Maupra, almost a brother. I can't bear to have him thrown out of this house; I'd rather go away myself." "It is a very gallant feeling, Edmee," replied the abbe, "that you should express it so vehemently! I am very puzzled, and if I am not afraid of offending you, I will tell you the truth about this concern for young Mauprat. gave me strange thoughts." "Speak out, then," said Edmee, somewhat indifferently. "If you ask, I will say so; that is, you seem to be more interested in this young man than M. de La Marche, and I am willing to maintain the opposite opinion." "Which one needs such attention most, bad believer?" said Edmee with a smile, "but the uneducated hardened sinner?" "Edmee, do you still love M. de La Marche? In the name of God, don't joke!" "If by love you mean confidence and friendship," she answered gravely, "I love M. de La Marche; if you mean sympathy and concern, then I love Bernard. All that remains to know is that this Which of the two loves is stronger. It concerns only you, priest, and I don't care much; for I feel that there is only one person I love passionately, and that is my father, and there is only one thing I love passionately, and this is My duty. Perhaps I shall miss the care and fidelity of the major general; I shall suffer by declaring to him that I shall not be his wife, and have to make him troubled and miserable; but this need will not lead me to any hopeless Emotionally, because I know M. de La Marche is apt to console himself. I am not joking, priest; M. de La Marche is a frivolous, somewhat cold fellow." "If you just love him like this, that's fine; there are so many pains in life, it's just one less thing; but, after knowing this cold feeling, I lost my last hope, and I wanted to see you get rid of Bell." Na Mopra." "Come on, my friend, don't be sad: either Bernard is sensitive about friendship and loyalty, and it will be better in the future, or I will get rid of him." "In what way?" "Enter the gate of the monastery, or the gate of the tomb." Edmee said so calmly, shaking her long black hair, which fell on her shoulders and partly covered her pale face.she says: "Oh, God will come to our aid; it would be foolish and impious to doubt him in danger. Are we atheists to be so discouraged? Go and see Patience, and he will tell us aphorisms that will make us Be at ease; he is an old authority who can fix everything and is not familiar with any of them." They walked away, and I was dumbfounded. oh!How different tonight is from the night before!I have just taken a new step in my life's journey, not on a flowery path, but on a steep rock!Now that I knew all the really odious things about my character, I had just seen in Edmee's heart the fear and loathing I aroused in her.Nothing can calm my pain, because nothing can arouse my anger anymore.She did not love M. de La Marche at all, she did not make fun of him or me; she loved neither of us; how could I believe that this kind of mercy and tolerance for me, this fidelity to the oath Yu, is it love?How can I believe, when I'm free from my fantasies, that she needs to love someone else in order to resist my passions?In the end, I had no way to deal with my anger anymore!All I get is Edmee's flight or death!She had to die!Thinking of this, my blood froze in my veins, my heart clenched, and I felt pricks of regret go through my heart.This tormented night was for me the most powerful call from Heaven.At last I understand these laws of shame and sacred liberty, which, through my ignorance, I have hitherto misunderstood and falsely read.They astonished me, and I recognized them; they were clearly confirmed.Edmee's mighty, sincere heart I see as the slab of Sinai on which the finger of God has just written eternal truth.Her virtue is not false, her knife is sharpened, always ready to wash the stains on my love!I was so dreadful that I should see her die in my arms, and that I should have insulted her in trying to overcome her resistance, that I would search for all sorts of extreme ways of redressing the wrong, to appease her. ① Located in the Sinai Peninsula.Legend has it that Moses taught the Ten Commandments God carved on two tablets of stone on Mount Sinai. The only thing beyond the limit of my power was to go away; for at the same time the feeling of respect arose, my love, so to speak, changed its character, grew in my soul, and took possession of my whole being.I think Edmee has emerged with a new look.She is no longer the pretty girl who confuses my senses, but a young man of my age, beautiful, arrogant, bold, unambiguous in matters of honor, bold, and capable of fighting with others The sublime friendship of companions has a passionate love for heaven only, like those knight-errants who, through all dangers, walk in holy places in their golden armor. ①The Holy Land refers to Palestine, the hometown of Jesus. From that moment on, I felt the storm of my love descend from my head to the realm of peace of mind, and I felt that loyalty was no longer a mystery.I resolve to act obediently and gently starting tomorrow.I returned late, exhausted, hungry, and paralyzed with excitement.I went into the pantry, took a piece of bread, and ate it with tears rolling down my face.I leaned against the dead stove, by the dying light of a lamp that had run out of oil; Edmee came in, and without seeing me, took some cherries from the cupboard, and walked slowly to the stove; Her face paled, lost in thought.Seeing me, she let out a cry, and the cherry fell to the ground. "Edmee," I said to her, "don't be afraid of me, I beg you; this is all I can say to you, for I cannot explain; but I am determined to tell you many things." "Tell me next time, my good cousin," she answered me, trying to smile at me. But she couldn't hide the horror she felt when she was alone with me. I did not want to keep her; I felt so strongly the pain and the insult of her suspicions that I had no right to complain; no one needed encouragement as I did. When she left the room, my heart was almost broken and tears filled my eyes, just like yesterday at the church window.Edmee stood at the door, hesitated; then, urged on by kindness, overcoming her fear, she came towards me, and standing a few paces from my chair, said to me: "Bernar, you are unlucky, is it my fault?" I could not answer, and was ashamed of my tears; and the more I tried to hold back the tears, the more my breast sobbed.Weeping convulses a strong man like me; my weeping is as painful as dying. "Hey! Tell me what's the matter with you!" said Edmee, eagerly, with fraternal affection. She actually put her hand on my shoulder.She looked at me impatiently, and a big tear rolled down her cheek.I fell to my knees and tried to talk to her, but I couldn't; I could only pronounce the word "tomorrow" several times. "To-morrow? Why! To-morrow?" said Edmee. "You don't complain here, do you? Do you want to go?" "I'll go if you like," I replied, "tell me, don't you want to see me again?" "I don't want to do it," she said. "You're going to stay, aren't you?" "You order." I replied. She looked at me with great amazement; I remained on my knees; she leaned against the back of my chair. "I'm sure you have a good heart," she said, as if answering an inner rhetorical question. "A Mauprat never quits by the wayside. If you endure hard times, you will live a noble life." "I will live." I replied. "That's right!" she said cheerfully and innocently and kindly. "I swear on my honor, Edmee, and on yours! Dare you shake my hand?" "Of course I dare," she said. She held out her hand to me; but she trembled.she said to me: "So you've made up your mind?" "I am determined that you will never reproach me," I replied. "Go back to your bedroom now, Edmee, and don't close the bolt; you don't need me at all, m me; I will only do what you wish." Still looking at me in surprise, she squeezed my hand and walked away.She turned around several times, trying to take another look at me, as if she couldn't believe how quickly I had changed; at the end, she stopped at the door, and said to me in a friendly tone: “您也得去休息；您累了，您很忧郁，两天来大为变样。如果您不想叫我难受，您就得好好照顾自己，贝尔纳。” 她对我点头，表示亲切友好之意。她的大眼睛因痛苦而深陷，其中有难以描绘的神情，怀疑，希冀，挚爱，好奇，轮番地，有时是同时地显现出来。 “我会好好照顾自己，睡个好觉，不再忧郁。”我回答。 “您会用功吗？” “我会用功……而您呢，爱德梅，但愿您原谅我引起您的忧伤烦恼，稍为爱我一点。” “我会非常爱您，”她回答，“如果您总像今晚这样的话。” 翌日，天一破晓，我便走进神甫的房间；他已经起床，正在看书。 “奥贝尔先生，”我对他说，“您几次向我提出，给我上课；我是来请您践约的。” 夜里我花了不少时间准备这句开场白，我想对神甫有所保留。我其实并不憎恨他，我感到他很善良，他只恨我的缺点，我对他有苦难言。我内心承认，他对爱德梅谈起我的种种恶习，我是罪有应得；但我觉得，他本来可以多强调一点我好的方面，而他只顺便提了一下，像他这样精明的人，本来对此是不会忽略的。我决计保持冷淡，对他倔做一些。为此，我合乎逻辑地想，在课程进行期间，我应该表现得非常听话，随后，我应该三言两语感谢一下便离开。总之，我想在他担任家庭教师时侮辱他，因为我知道，他的生活依赖我叔叔，除非放弃这种生活，或者忘思负义，他不会拒绝给我教育。对此我算计得很准，不过居心不良；后来，我懊恼不已，向他友好地作了忏悔，请求宽恕。 为了不跳过事件，我按顺序说下去：我转变的头几天，充分报复了这个人多方面根深蒂固的成见；如果不是爱怀疑人的习惯妨碍了他最初的动作表现得体，他该得到帕希昂斯命名的义士称号。他长期受到迫害，在他身上发展了本能的恐惧感，他保持了一生，使他更难信赖人，变得格外会阿谀逢迎，兴许格外会使人动心。后来我在许多正直的教士身上注意到这种性格。他们一般都具有仁慈心，却缺乏友谊感。 我想让他不舒坦，我做到了。怨恨给了我灵感；我的举止像个真正的贵族对待他的手下人。我动作优雅，聚精会神，彬彬有礼，冷若冰霜。我不让他有任何机会，要我为自己的无知脸红；为此，我打定主意，敢于面对他的观察，同时责备自己一无所知，撺掇他教给我最基本的知识。上完第一课，我已经能看透他深邃的目光，从中看到由冷淡转为亲切意味的情感；我对此完全始料不及。他以为赞扬我注意力集中和聪明，就解除了我的武装。 “您太抬举我了，神甫先生，”我回答他，“我不需要鼓励。我压根儿不相信自己聪明，不过我确信自己没走神；我全力以赴地埋头学习，是为自己着想，没有理由让您恭维我。” 说完，我向他致意，抽身回到房间，马上做他布置的法文翻译练习。 我下楼吃午饭时，看到爱德梅已经知道我实践了自己昨天的诺言。她先向我伸出了手，午餐时几次称我为好堂兄，以致德?拉马尔什先生表现出惊讶或某种责备，而他的脸平素是一无表情的。我希望他寻找机会问我，解释一下我昨天粗野无礼的话。尽管我决意在这次交谈中保持稳健节制，但他极力要回避谈话，我感到伤了面于。对我的署骂这样无动于衷，等于一种蔑视，我难以忍受；但是，担心引起爱德梅的不快，给了我自持的力量。 我必须忍气吞声地学习，才能获得对各类事物的初步概念，难以想像的是，要取代德?拉马尔什的想法一刻也不曾被这种学习所动摇。换了别人，像我这样，对他引起的苦恼耿耿于怀，除了一走了之，将爱德梅的诺言、独立和绝对平静还给她以外，是找不到稳妥办法消除苦恼的。惟独这个办法我不去想它；即使想了，也不屑一顾地赶走，仿佛这就是承认变节。在我的血管里，随着莫普拉家族的血液流动着固执，加之以莽撞。我一看到有办法征服我所爱的人，便大胆地抓住这个办法；我想，即使她在花园里向神甫推心置腹地说的一番话，让我明白她爱我的情敌，情况也不会两样。一个人在十七岁上才上第一节法语语法课，夸大了所需学习的时间和困难，以便同德?拉马尔什先生比肩，这样一个人的信心，您会承认，表明了某种精神力量。 我不知道，从聪明这个角度来看，我是否幸而拥有天赋。神甫确信是这样；但我想，我进步很快只应归功于我的勇气。勇气之大使我过高估计自己的体力。神甫对我说，像我这样的年龄，靠了这样强有力的意志只消一个月就能完全理解语言的规则。一个月后，我果然能表达自如，书写准确。爱德梅对我的学习有一种暗暗的主宰作用；她不希望神甫教我拉丁文，确信花几年工夫去学一门高级的学问为时已晚，重要的是用思想来培育我的心智，而不是用词语来装饰我的头脑。 傍晚，她有意提出想再念一念几本她酷爱的书，她轮流同神甫高声朗读孔第亚克、费纳龙、贝尔纳丹?德?圣皮埃尔、让．雅克?卢梭，甚至蒙田、孟德斯鸠①的作品片段。这些段落不消说是事先选好的，适合我的能力；我理解得不差，心里为之吃惊；因为白天我要是偶尔翻开这些书，便会一读就停下。由于初恋所固有的迷信，我自然而然地想像，通过爱德梅的口，这些作家的作品获得一种魔光，听到她的嗓音，我的思想奇迹般地开窍了。再有，爱德梅并没有公开对我表露，她对教育我十分关切。不用说，她以为应该向我隐瞒她的关心，那是想错了；我会因此更加勤奋用功。在这方面，她满脑子是《爱弥儿》②的观点，将她喜爱的哲学家的系统思想付诸实践。①孔第亚克（1715—1780），法国哲学家；费纳龙（1651——1715），法国散文家，著有《泰雷马克历险记》；贝尔纳丹?德?圣皮埃尔（1737—1814），法国作家，著有《保尔和薇吉妮》；蒙田（1533—1592），法国散文家，著有《随笔录》；孟德斯鸠（1689－1755），法国作家，著有《波斯人信札》。 ②《爱弥儿》（1762）是卢梭的一部论教育的哲理小说，主张引导，让人的本性避免社会偏见和恶习的影响而得到自由的发展。 另外，我毫不吝惜精力；我的勇气不像预想的那样，不久我就不得不止步了。气氛、规章和习惯的改变，熬夜，缺乏激烈运动，精神的集中，总之，为了从粗野的人的状态过渡到聪明人的状态，我自身不得不进行的可怕变异，引得我神经痛，几个星期内几乎使我发疯，然后在几天内又变得很蠢；最后神经痛消失，我与过去的生活一刀两断，过去的我消失了，并为未来的我所取代。 有一夜，我正处于最剧烈的发病中，在清醒的一刻，忽然看见爱德梅在我的房间里。起先我以为在做梦。油灯射出摇曳的光；一个苍白、不动的身子躺在一张大高背靠椅上。我看清一条松开的黑长辫垂落在白色连衣裙上。我颤巍巍地抬起身，只能动一动身子；我想下床。帕希昂斯倏地出现，轻轻止住我。圣约翰睡在另一张扶手椅里。每夜有两个人守在我身旁，当我处于狂乱状态时，便硬把我按住。时常是神甫，有时是正直的马尔卡斯，他正要离开贝里，到邻近各省作一年一度的周游，现在回到宫堡的谷仓最后一次捕捉害兽；他义务接替仆人们，他们已在看护我的苦差使中疲惫不堪。 我并没意识到自己生病；隐士意外地出现在我的房间里，引起我的惊愕，使我脑子产生错乱感，这是非常自然的。那一晚我的病发作猛烈，力气使尽。我陷入忧郁的思绪中，抓起老人的手，问他躺在我身旁扶手椅上的是不是爱德梅的尸体。 “这是活生生的爱德梅，”他低声回答我，“她睡着了，我亲爱的先生，别叫醒她。如果您想要什么，我在这里照顾您，而且是真心实意的！” “我的好帕希昂斯，你在骗我，”我对他说，“她死了，我也死了，你是来埋葬我们的。你得把我们放在同一个棺材里，你听明白吗？因为我们订了婚。她的指环在哪里？脱下来戴到我的手指上来吧；婚礼之夜来临了。” 他徒劳地要打破这种幻念；我固执地认为爱德梅死了，我宣称，只要我没戴上我妻子的指环，便不睡在裹尸布中。爱德梅好几夜在看护我，精疲力竭，听不到我的话。况且，我像帕希昂斯一样，出于孩子们或白痴身上才有的模仿本能，说话声音很低。我执著于自己的幻觉，而帕希昂斯生怕这幻觉变得狂乱，轻轻走过去摘下爱德梅戴在手指上的一枚红玛瑙戒指，戴在我手指上。一戴好，我便把戒指放到嘴唇上，然后将双手交叠在胸前，摆出像棺柜里的尸首那种姿态，我酣然入睡了。 翌日，人们想取回我手指上的戒指时，我恼羞成怒；大家只得作罢。我重新入睡；我睡着时神甫将戒指摘下。待我睁开眼睛，我发觉戒指没了，又开始胡言乱语。爱德梅在房间里，马上向我奔来，将戒指戴到我手指上，同时责备了神甫几句。我旋即平静下来，朝她抬起无神的眼睛说： “你死后像生前一样，难道不是我的妻子吗？” “当然是，”她对我说，“安心睡吧。” “永恒绵延不绝，”我对她说，“我愿意永远记住你的温存。不过我白白地回忆，却想不起你的爱情。” 她俯身对着我，给我一吻。 “您做错了，爱德梅，”神甫说，“这样的药会变成毒药。” “别管我，神甫，”她不耐烦地回答他，坐在我的床边，“请别管我。” 我把手放在她手里，沉入梦乡，还不时对她重复： “在坟墓里真好；死后真幸福，对不？” 在我复原期间，爱德梅话少多了，但照旧坚持不懈地来。我把自己做的梦告诉她，从她那儿获悉我的记忆中哪些是真实的；没有这样的证实，我会一直以为都是做梦。我恳求她给我留下戒指，她表示同意。为了感谢她无微不至的关心，我还应该补充说，我把这只戒指当作友谊的保证，而不是当作订婚戒指保存起来；想到要作出这样的牺牲，我感到力不从心。 有一天，我询问关于德?拉马尔什的情况。我只敢向帕希昂斯提出这个问题。 “走了。”他回答。 “怎么？走了！”我说，“时间要很长吗？” “永远走了，上帝保佑！我一无所知，我没有问；他道别时我恰巧在花园里，这一切就像十二月的夜晚一样冷冰冰的。大家彼此说是要再见面；尽管爱德梅像往常一样，神情和蔼真诚，那一位的脸却像农夫看见4月结霜。莫普拉，莫普拉，据说您变成了博学的大学生和大好人。您记得我对您说的话吧：您年纪大了的时候，兴许不再有贵族称号，也没有贵族老爷。兴许别人管您叫莫普拉老爹，就像人们管我叫帕希昂斯老爹一样，虽然我既不是出家人，也不是一家之长。” “你究竟想说什么？” “您回想一下我对您说过的话吧，”他重复说，“巫师有各种各样的手段，可以不必投靠魔鬼，便能知道未来；我呢，我赞成您同您的堂妹结婚。继续好好干下去吧。眼下您已很有知识；据说您能流畅地阅读任何一本书。还需要什么呢？这儿有那么多书，只要看见这些书，我脑门上就往下淌汗；我觉得自己又学不会念书了。您不久就会痊愈。如果于贝尔先生听信我的话，说不定就在圣马丁教堂举行婚礼。” “别说了，帕希昂斯，”我对他说，“你叫我不好受；我的堂妹不爱我。” “我告诉您，爱的；您言不由衷！像贵族们所说的那样。我知道她精心照料您；马尔卡斯待在屋顶上，透过窗户看见她在您病重那一天，清早五点钟跪在她卧房当间祈祷。” 帕希昂斯冒失的议论，爱德梅温柔的照料，德?拉马尔什先生的动身，更有甚者，我智力的衰弱，都促使我相信我渴望的东西；随着我体力的恢复，爱德梅又回复到恬静而谨慎的友谊界限中。谁也不像我那样复原时索然寡味，因为每天爱德梅的看望变得越来越短；我能走出房间时，就像生病以前一样，每天在她身边只有几个小时。她手段巧妙，对我表现出最诚挚的感情，不容别人对我们神秘的婚约作出新的解释。即使我还没有宽阔的心胸，放弃我的权利，至少我不再提起它倒是脸上有光；我同她的关系恰如我病倒时那样。德?拉马尔什先生在巴黎；据她说，他是应召去履行职责，眼下刚入冬，他大约在冬末回来。在骑士和神甫的话里，什么也不能证明订婚的一对关系破裂。大家很少谈到少将，谈到时也很自然，毫不勉强；我又陷入六神无主之中，没有别的办法，惟有重新控制住自己的意志。“我要迫使她喜欢我。”我这样寻思，眼睛从书上抬起，盯住爱德梅深不可测的大眼睛，这双眼睛正平静地看着德?拉马尔什先生的信；她父亲不时收到他的信，看完后再交给她。我重新埋头在学习中。我长时间忍受剧烈的头痛，我坚韧不拔地克服它；爱德梅又恢复冬夜早先间接给我的指点。我的态度和成功的速度重新令神甫惊讶。我生病时他给我的照顾，使我心悦诚服；尽管我还不能热爱他，明知他不会在我堂妹跟前说好话，但我远比以前信任他，尊敬他。同他长时间谈话，对我来说，与阅读一样有用；他带我到花园去散步，到帕希昂斯白雪皑皑的小屋去拜访，作哲学上的切磋。这个方法使我能更经常、更长久地看到爱德梅。我的行为规规矩矩，她的不信任全然消释，她不再害怕单独同我在一起。但是我没有机会证明我的英雄气概；因为什么也不能使神甫的警惕性熟睡，他总是紧跟在我们后面。我不再讨厌这种监视，相反，它令我满意；尽管我十分坚毅，暗地里我的情欲却掀起风暴，有一两次，我单独跟爱德梅相处，突然离开她，留下她一个人，想对她掩盖我乱纷纷的心情。 我们的生活表面上恬静美好，一段时间内确实如此；不久，一个恶习空前地扰乱了我的生活；教育在我身上发展了这个恶习，它至今深埋在更令人讨厌，但不那么有害的恶习下面；它造成我后来几年的烦恼，这便是虚荣心。 尽管神甫和我堂妹自有他们的一套办法，但他们过分看重我的进步实在是犯了错误。他们起初料不到我有恒心，把我的进步归功于我高度的才能。兴许从他们方面来说，过分地看重将他们的哲学观点应用于对我的培育所取得的成功，这总是个人的一点儿胜利。可以肯定的是，我竟然轻易地以为，我有高度智能，大大高于普通人。不久，我亲爱的老师们摘取了他们行动不谨慎的恶果，要阻止我无节制的自高自大的发展已经为时太晚。 或许是，这种令人担忧的激情由于我儿时遭受的虐待而受到压制，如今只不过是苏醒过来而已。可以令人相信的是，从幼年起，我们身上就有美德和恶习的萌芽，随着时间的推移，外界生活的进程起着催化作用。至于我，我还没有找到我的虚荣心的养料；我在爱德梅身边度过的头几天，能以什么来自我夸耀呢？一旦这种养料找到了，受压抑的虚荣心便在凯旋中奋然而起，使我骄矜，就像以前那样使我羞愧并节制粗野行为。再有，我沉迷在终于能轻易表达思想的乐趣中，好比雏鹰离巢，尝试一下羽毛初丰的翅膀那样。我变得十分饶舌，正如以前爱沉默寡言。大家过分喜欢我的喋喋不休。我缺乏理智地看到，大家听我滔滔不绝，仿佛在听一个被宠坏的孩子说话；我认为自己已是个大人，更进一步，是个了不起的人。我变得十分自负，极其可笑。 我的叔叔骑士从不过问我受的教育，对我最初的跬步仅报以慈父般的微笑，他却是第一个发现我走上了邪路。他感到我像他一样高声谈笑不合时宜，向他女儿指了出来。她柔声细气地警告我，以便我能忍受她的告诫；她对我说，我议论得头头是道，但她父亲年纪大了，接受不了新思想，我得照顾他家长的尊严，牺牲我热烈的议论。我答应不再口若悬河，不过没有遵守诺言。 事实是，骑士满脑子尽是偏见。他受到他那个时代对乡下贵族来说十分良好的教育；可是时代比他前进得更快。爱德梅热情，爱好幻想；神甫多愁善感，刻板执拗；他们比时代走得更快；如果说，他们和老贵族之间的极不调和不容易显露出来，那是由于老贵族理所当然地令人肃然起敬，他对女儿抱有温情。正如你们所能想像的那样，我俯首帖耳地拜倒在爱德梅的思想面前；但我不像她那样，没有那种及时沉默的细腻本领。我暴烈的性格在政治和哲学上找到一个出路，我对当时法国揭开序幕的变幻的风云以及革命风暴，怀有难以描述的兴趣；这些政治争端存在于各种会议之中，直至家庭内部。我想，没有一幢房子，一座宫殿或一间小屋不孕育着激烈的、亢奋的、态度绝对的演说家，随时准备下到议会的竞技场上去。我就是圣赛韦尔堡的演说家，而我善良的叔叔习惯于妨碍他看到精神的真正反叛的表面权威，不能忍受我这样幼稚的抗辩。他很高傲，性好冲动，加之他表达有困难，越发增加他天生的急躁，使他对自己不满，也对别人发脾气。他用脚去踩壁炉里燃烧的木柴，眼镜摔得粉碎，烟草洒得满地都是，洪亮的嗓音震响了他的小城堡高高的天花板。这一切我都残忍地觉得有趣；我只消清脆地拼读出我书里的一个字，便推翻他整个一生易倒的思想框架。对我来说，这是一件大蠢事，那种傲气实在是非常愚蠢的；然而，这种斗争的需要，这种在精神上挥发我的物质生活所缺少的能量的乐趣，不断挟持着我。爱德梅白白地咳嗽，想提醒我沉默，为了挽回她父亲的尊严，违反她自己的良心，竭力找到有利于他的几个理由；她的援助十分温和，还有她好像在命令我作出让步，这一切越发激怒我的对手。 “让他说吧，”他叫道，“爱德梅，别插进来，我想全线击退他。如果你总是打断我们，我就永远不能向他证明他的荒谬。” 于是狂风越刮越猛，直至骑士深受伤害，离开房间，在他管猎犬的仆人身上或在猎犬身上出气。 助长我回到这些不合适的争执中，并培养我可笑的固执的，是我叔叔的极端善良，又因为他很快就会回心转意。一小时后，他再也记不起我的过错和他的不快；他像平日那样跟我说话，了解我的愿望和各种需要，那种慈父般的不安总是使他处于宽宏大量的心境中。这个不可多得的人物在睡觉之前，如果没有拥抱他的亲人，没说一句话或表示一个友好的眼色，补救他白天对地位最低的仆人所发脾气的过失，那么，他是不会安然入睡的。这种善良的心地准会使我解除武装，闭口不言；每晚我都为此发誓，而每天上午我又像《圣经》所说的，重犯老毛病。 爱德梅日益忍受不了我身上发展起来的个性，寻求方法要我改掉。还不曾有哪个未婚妻比她更能干、更行止有度，也没有哪个母亲比她更温柔。她跟神甫经过许多次磋商，决意要让她父亲中断一下我们的生活秩序，搬到巴黎去度过狂欢节的最后几个星期。居住乡间，圣赛韦尔的位置和道路的泥泞崎岖使我们从人冬以来十分孤寂，生活千篇一律，这一切促使我们老是吹毛求疵，谈话枯燥乏味；我的性格变得每况愈下；我的叔叔比我更喜欢争执，因而他的健康受到损害，每天这些幼稚可怜的激动加速他的衰老。神甫也厌烦起来；爱德梅十分忧郁，要么是由于我们的生活方式，要么是由于秘而不宣的原因。她想出门，我们动身了；因为她父亲对她的忧郁忐忑不安，只按她的意图行事。想到见识巴黎，我高兴得打颤；爱德梅自以为会看到涉足上流社会能使我的粗俗谫陋有所改变，我则幻想在这个被我们的哲学家竭力贬低的上流社会中，摆出一副征服者的姿态。3月一个明丽的早晨，我们上路了，骑士、他的女儿和勒布朗小姐同坐在驿车的条凳上，我同神甫坐在另一条长凳上，神甫也是生平头一遭见识首都，掩藏不住喜悦。我的跟班圣约翰向每个路人深深鞠躬，没有失去他礼貌周全的习惯。