Chapter 21 Gourd Flower Diary (Notes written by Naoji when he was suffering from drug abuse)

Feeling burned.Even if there is pain, I can't utter a single word. This has never happened since ancient times, and there is no precedent since human beings. I can't hide the hellish situation of this bottomless abyss. Thought?fake!doctrine?fake!ideal?fake!order?fake!honest?truth?pure?It's all fake!It is said that the wisteria of Nishishima (the wisteria of Nishishima in Kasukabe City, Saitama Prefecture, Japan is the most famous and named as a special natural monument) is 1,000 years old, and the wisteria of Kumano (referring to Ikeda Village, Toyota Village, Iwata County, Shizuoka Prefecture) The long vines in Xingsi Temple) are hundreds of years old. The longest flower spikes of the former are nine feet long, and the flower spikes of the latter are more than five feet long. I am only attracted to their flower spikes.

That too is the Son of Man, living. Logic, in the final analysis, is the love of logic, not the love of living people. money and women.Lili hurriedly left in embarrassment. History, philosophy, education, religion, law, politics, economy, society, compared with these studies, a virgin's smile is more noble.Doctor Faustus courageously argues this point. The so-called learning is another name for vanity, and it is the hard work that people can't imagine. I could even swear to Goethe that I can write well on anything.I can write a well-structured, moderately funny novel, some of which can make the reader cry, but also a perfect novel that makes the reader awe, read aloud like a commentary on the screen.But can such a shameful thing be written?That sense of writing a masterpiece is downright nasty.Reading novels with awe and respect is the behavior of a madman.In that case, why not write in a dress?The better the work, the less pretentious it looks.Just because I wanted to see my friend smile from the heart, I deliberately wrote a novel badly and clumsily, and pretended to fall on my butt, scratching my head and running away.Alas, forget about the joy of my friend at that time.

The text doesn't convey the meaning, people don't enjoy themselves, blowing all the toy trumpets to let people listen.Here is the number one fool in Japan.You are not bad, I wish you health--what is this kind of love? The friend talked about his feelings with a proud look: this is his bad habit, what a pity, he doesn't know that he is being loved by others. Is there anyone who has no misconduct? boring memories. I wish I had money. otherwise, Die in your sleep! The pharmacy has a loan of nearly 1,000 yen.Today, I quietly brought the treasurer of the pawn shop to my house and introduced it to my room.I asked: "Is there anything valuable in this room? If you want, take it away. I need money urgently." The shopkeeper didn't take a good look inside the room and said, "Forget it, It's not your furniture." I immediately said vigorously, "Okay, then just take away the things you bought with pocket money." But all I collected were rags, and none of them were worthy .

The first is a plaster cast of a hand.This is the right hand of Venus.A hand that looks like a dahlia, a snow-white hand, it just sits on the stage.However, a closer look makes it clear.This is the posture of Venus, who was shocked by the man's glimpse of her naked body, dyed the naked body pink with shy flames, and twisted the hands of her burning body.Venus's naked, breathless shyness is revealed by the white and slender right hand with no fingerprints on the fingertips and no lines on the palm, which makes people feel pity.But it's still impractical junk after all.The shopkeeper estimated the price at fifty dollars. (100 qian is equal to 1 yen)

In addition, there is a large map of the suburbs of Paris, a celluloid top with a diameter of nearly one foot, and a special nib that can write characters thinner than silk.These are bargains bought by chance.But the shopkeeper smiled and said he was leaving.I hurriedly stopped him, asked him to bring back a large pile of books, and accepted five yen in cash.Almost all the books on my bookshelf are cheap library books, and they are all bought from second-hand bookstores, so the prices are naturally pitifully low. I wanted to settle a loan of 1,000 yen, but it was only 5 yen.My strength in society is nothing more than that, and this is no small matter.

decadent?But I can't live without this.Compared with the person who accuses me and scolds me, I am grateful to the person who said "Go to hell" to my face, which sounds happy.However, people seldom say "Go to hell".All narrow-minded hypocrites! justice?The essence of the so-called class struggle can never be in that kind of justice.humane?No kidding, I know, that is to defeat and eliminate opponents for your own happiness, which is tantamount to declaring "Go to hell", what is it?Don't lie! However, there are few decent people in our class.Full of idiots, ghosts, misers, mad dogs, bulldogs, sycophants, people who pissed down from the clouds.

I even feel sorry for sending them a sentence: "Go to hell!" war.Japan's war is self-defeating. I really don't want to be involved in self-abandonment and die, but I want to die alone. When a person is lying, he must have a serious face.The current leaders are serious about it.Pooh! I really want to associate with people who don't want to be respected. But such good people will not associate with me. I pretended to be precocious, and people rumored that I was precocious.I pretended to be a slob, and people rumored I was a slob.I pretended I couldn't write novels, and people started rumoring that I couldn't write novels.I pretended to be a liar, and people rumored that I was a liar.I pretended to be rich, and people started rumoring that I was rich.I pretended to be cold, and people rumored that I was a cold guy.But when I did groan in pain, people rumored that I was faking it.

So inconsistent. Is there ultimately no alternative but suicide? When I thought of the pain that could only end with suicide, I couldn't help but burst into tears. On a spring morning, the morning sun shines on the sparse branches with two or three plum blossoms.A young student at Heidelberg is said to have hanged himself on that branch. "Mom, please scold me!" "How to scold?" "Just call me a coward!" "Really? Coward...is this okay?" My mother is gentle and kind. Whenever I think of my mother, I want to cry, and that is also to apologize to my mother.

Please forgive me, please forgive me this time. The young crane is blind, Years accompany me long. When plumage is full, Secretly sad. (New Year's Day trial) Morphine Atomole What is self-esteem?What is self-esteem? Can't a man, no, a man live without thinking "I'm brilliant", "I have many qualities" and so on? I hated people and was hated by other people. A battle of wits. serious = dull In short, if people are still alive, they must be playing tricks to deceive people. A letter requesting a loan: "Hope to reply. please reply. Hope it must be good news.

I imagined all kinds of humiliation, moaning alone. I'm not acting, absolutely not. please. I am dying of shame. This is not an exaggeration. I look forward to your reply every day, trembling day and night. don't make me fall. In the middle of the night, there was snickering from next door, and I tossed and turned in bed. Don't let me be humiliated and humiliated again. elder sister! "