Chapter 5 Notes 3 2

two Toki and I. Mutual contempt, but also mutual contact, and self-improvement together - if this is the true face of the so-called "friends" in the world, then the relationship between me and Juki undoubtedly falls into the category of "friends". Relying on the narrow sense of the proprietress of the bar in Kyobashi (although the so-called narrow sense of women is a wonderful use of language, but according to my experience, at least among urban men and women, women are more capable than men. It’s called a narrow sense of heart. Most men are guilty and timid, they only know how to put on appearances, but they are actually extremely stingy), I was able to live together with the good son of the cigarette shop.We rented a room downstairs in a wooden two-story apartment building near the Sumida River in Tsukiji [a place name in Tokyo].I also gave up drinking and started working hard on the manga that was becoming my regular career.After dinner we both went to the movies together, on the way home we either folded into a coffee shop for a drink or bought a flower pot, no, all of this is nothing, my greatest pleasure is to be with you from the bottom of my heart Be there with this little bride who trusts herself, listening to every word she says, watching every movement she makes.I even feel that I am becoming more and more like a real person, and I don't need to die a miserable death.Just as I was slowly brewing this naive thought, Hoki appeared in front of me again.

"Hey, pervert! Oh, from the look on your face, it looks like you've become more or less sensible. Today I'm a messenger from that lady at Koenji." He said, then suddenly lowered his voice, She tilted her chin towards Yoshiko who was making tea in the kitchen, and asked me, "Is it all right?" "It's nothing, it doesn't matter what you say." I replied calmly. In fact, Yoshiko is a genius who can be trusted.Needless to say, the relationship between me and the proprietress of the bar in Kyobashi, even when I told her what happened in Kamakura, she had no doubts about the relationship between me and Tsuneko.It's not because I'm good at lying, sometimes I even use a very obvious statement, but Yoshiko just listens to it as a joke.

"You're still so pretentious. It's not a big deal, she asked me to tell you, go to Kouenji to have fun occasionally." Just when I was about to forget, a strange bird flapped its wings and flew over, pecking the wound of my memory with its beak.So, in a blink of an eye, the memories of those shame and crimes in the past revived in my mind, which made me feel a kind of horror that I couldn't help but scream out loud, and I could no longer sit calmly. "Go get a drink," I said. "Okay." Tokio replied. Uki and I.We were so similar in appearance that we were mistaken for the same person.Of course, this is only limited to wandering around drinking that cheap wine.In short, as soon as the two people met, they immediately turned into two dogs with the same appearance and the same coat color, running back and forth in the snowy alley together.

After that day, we started to revisit our old friendship and went to the bar in Kyobashi together.In the end, the two drunken dogs visited Kouenji Shizuko's apartment and stayed overnight. It was a sweltering summer night that will never be forgotten.At dusk, Horiki arrived at my apartment in Tsukiji in a crumpled yukata.He said that he pawned his summer clothes for urgent needs today, but if his mother found out, things would get worse, so he wanted to redeem it with money immediately, and asked me to lend him some money.Unfortunately, I didn't have any money at hand, so I asked Ryoko to take her clothes to the pawnshop for some cash back as usual.But there was some money left after lending the wood, so Liangzi went to buy shochu.The cool breeze mixed with the smell of earth blows from the Sumida River from time to time, and we went to the roof to set up a dirty dinner in the cool air.

At this point, we begin the anagrams of comic nouns and tragic nouns.This is a game I invented.All nouns are divided into feminine nouns, masculine nouns, and neuter nouns. Similarly, there should be comedy nouns and tragic nouns.For example, ships and trains are tragic nouns, while streetcars and buses are comic nouns.If you don't understand the reasons for this division, you have no right to talk about art.A playwright would be disqualified by the inclusion of even one tragic noun in a comedy.Of course, the same goes for tragic situations. "Are you ready? What's the name for a cigarette?" I asked.

"Tragedy (an abbreviation for tragedy noun) Horiki immediately replied. "What about the medicine?" "Powder or pill?" "injection." "tragedy." "Really? But there are also hormone injections." "No, it's definitely a tragedy. Isn't the needle a good tragedy in the first place, you say?" "Okay, let's count it as my loss to you. But don't you say that medicine and doctors are accidental comedies? Then, what about death?" "Comedy. Priests and monks, too." "Excellent! Survival, then, would be a tragedy."

"No, survival is comedy too." "In this way, doesn't everything become a comedy? Let me ask you one more question, what about the cartoonist? Can't it be called a comedy?" "Tragedy, tragedy, a great tragic term." It is true that when it has become such a vulgar banter, it is a bit boring, but we pretentiously regard this game as a clever thing that has not been found in all the salons of the world. I also invented another game similar to this at the time.That's the anagram of antonyms.For example, the opposite of black (the abbreviation of antonyms) is white, the opposite of white is red, and the opposite of red is black.

"What about the opposite of flower?" I asked. Horaki pursed his mouth, thought for a while and said: "Hey, there is a restaurant called 'Flower Moon', so it should be the moon." "No, that can't be an antonym, but rather a synonym. Aren't stars and violets synonyms? They are definitely not antonyms." "I see. That's the bee." "bee?!" "Could it be that peonies are compatible with ants?" "What, that's a painting problem. Don't try to get away with it." "I see. Flowers are opposite to clouds."

"Yes, yes, flowers and wind. It's wind. The antonym of flower is wind." "This is so lame. Isn't that a sentence from Langhua Festival [a folk rap song with three-string accompaniment, similar to Chinese Pingtan]? You really gave away the old story." "Or, it's the pipa." "That's even more wrong. As for the antonym of flowers, it should be to name the things that don't look like flowers in the world." "So... wait a minute, what, is it a woman?" "By the way, what's the synonym for woman?" "It's the internal organs."

"You're such a ignoramus of poetry. What about the opposite of viscera, then?" "It's milk." "That's kind of wonderful. Another one like this. What's the opposite of shame?" "It's shameless. It's the boss, the popular cartoonist." "What about Masao Horiki?" Having said that, the two of us couldn't laugh anymore.A gloomy atmosphere enveloped us, as if the peculiar feeling of glass shards stuck in the head after being drunk with schnapps. "Don't be rude! I've never been ashamed of being a criminal as you are."

This blew my mind.It turned out that in his heart, he didn't regard me as a real person, but only as a stupid monster who attempted suicide and shameless, the so-called "living zombie".He was simply making the most of me for his own pleasure.I can't help feeling bitter about the thought that my friendship with him ended there.But after thinking about it, it was inevitable that Jueki would treat me like that.In the beginning I was like a little boy with no qualifications to be a human being.It was only natural that he would be scorned by Horiki. "Sin. What is the antonym of sin? This is a difficult problem." I said with a nonchalant expression. "Law." Horaki replied calmly. I couldn't help but look at Horiki's face again.The neon lights of the nearby building shone on Horiki, making his face look as majestic as a devil detective.I was really surprised and said: "What are you talking about? The opposite of sin isn't that kind of thing." He even said that the opposite of sin is law!Maybe people in the world are pretending to live with such a simple idea.Think that crime is only going around where there are no police. "Well, what do you mean? A god? Because there's something monastic about you that's annoying." "Don't jump to conclusions so easily, let us think about it again. But isn't this an interesting question? I think that by answering this question alone, you can know all the secrets of that person." "Not necessarily. ... The opposite of sin is good. Good citizens are people like us." "Don't make such jokes again. But good is the opposite of evil, not the opposite of sin." "Is there any difference between evil and sin?" "I think it's different. The concept of good and evil is a human invention, a moral word that people have created casually." "It's disgusting. Then, let's go to God. God, God. There is nothing wrong with reducing everything to God. Oh, I'm hungry." "Ryoko is cooking broad beans downstairs now." "That's great. That's a good thing." He folded his hands behind his head and lay on his back. "You don't seem to have the slightest interest in sin." "It's true, because I'm not a sinner like you. Even if I played with women, I would never let them die, and I didn't take away women's money." I didn't let the woman die, and I didn't take away the woman's money.I can only hear this low, but exhausted voice of protest echoing in a corner of my heart.Then I changed my mind and thought that everything was my fault.And this is my peculiar characteristic. I can't argue with people face to face.I fought desperately not to let my mood be made more eerie by the gloomy intoxication of the brandy.I was almost muttering to myself: "However, the only thing that is locked in prison is not my sin. I think that as long as I understand the antonym of sin, then I can grasp the reality of sin. God... save... love... light... …But God Himself has the opposite of Satan, and the opposite of salvation is misery, the opposite of love is hate, the opposite of light is darkness, and the opposite of good is evil. Sin and prayer, sin and repentance, sin and confession , sin and... woohoo, are all synonymous. What is the antonym of sin?" "The opposite of sin is honey, sweet as honey. Ouch, my stomach is sick, go get something to eat." "Can't you get it yourself?" I said in an angry voice I had never felt in my life. "Okay, take me downstairs and come up after committing a crime with Yoshiko. Instead of talking about it, let's investigate it. The antonym of sin is honeydou, no, is it broad beans?" He was so drunk that he was incoherent. "It's up to you, wherever you want to go!" "Sin and hunger, hunger and broad beans, no, these are synonyms, right?" While talking nonsense, he stood up. Crime and punishment.Dostoevsky.I was taken aback by the sudden thought that crossed a corner of my brain.If that Dostoevsky put crime and punishment together as antonyms instead of synonyms, then... crime and punishment are two things that have absolutely nothing in common, two things that are incompatible.Toshi, who regards crime and punishment as antonyms, the green algae in his works, the rotten pool, the messy inner world... I began to understand, no, not yet... These thoughts flashed through my mind like a revolving lantern mind.At this time, suddenly there was a cry of digging wood: "Hey, what the fuck are broad beans! Come and see!" His voice and expression suddenly changed.He just staggered up and went downstairs, but he turned back immediately unexpectedly. "What's up?!" The surrounding atmosphere suddenly became tense.He and I went up and down from the top to the second floor, and then down from the second floor.Horiki stopped on the stairs halfway, pointed with his finger and said: "Look!" The small window above my own room was open, and from there I could see into the room.I saw that the lights were on in the room, and two "animals" were doing something. I feel dizzy and short of breath. "This is one of the scenes in the world. This is also one of the faces of human beings. There is no need to make a fuss." I muttered in my heart, so that I forgot to rescue Ryoko, and just stood on the stairs for a long time. Horiki coughed loudly.I ran back to the roof as if I was running for my life alone, and lay on the ground looking up at the watery sky in the summer night. Acute fear.It is not the kind of fear of ghosts in the cemetery, but the indescribable extreme fear from ancient times that one feels when bumping into a god in white in the cedar forest of a shrine.From that night onwards, my hair began to turn teenage gray, I lost confidence in everything more and more, and I became more and more suspicious of others, and I was permanently far away from all expectations, joys and sympathies for life in this world. etc.In fact, it was a defining event in my whole career, as if someone had cut me head-on in the middle of my forehead, and I felt the throbbing pain of that wound no matter who I approached. "As much as I sympathize with you, you should be more sensible. I will never come here again. This place is a complete hell. . . . But you must forgive her for Ryoko. Because of yourself Not a good guy either. I'm taking my leave now." Horaki is by no means the kind of fool who would willingly reside in an embarrassing place. I stood up, drinking soju by myself, and then burst into tears with a "wow".Cry, cry, I just kept crying. Before I knew it, Ryoko was standing behind me in a daze, holding a plate full of broad beans in her hand. "If I said I didn't do anything..." "Okay, okay, don't say anything. You are a person who doesn't know how to doubt others. Sit down and eat broad beans together." We sat side by side and ate fava beans.Woohoo, is it a sin to trust others? !The other party was a small man in his thirties, eleven uneducated businessmen.He often asked me to draw some cartoons for him, and then left a lot of money in a serious manner and walked away. After that, the merchant never came again.For some reason, I hate Oki more than that businessman.It was he who witnessed the scene for the first time, but he didn't do anything—such as deliberately coughing dryly, etc.—he just went back to the roof and informed me surreptitiously.The loathing and anger at Urumi would fill me up in sleepless nights, making me sigh and groan. There is no question of forgiveness or unforgiveness.Ryoko is a trusting genius.She doesn't know how to be suspicious of others.It is precisely because of this that it is even more tragic. I couldn't help asking the gods: Is it a sin to trust others? In my opinion, rather than the contamination of Yoshiko's body, the contamination of Yoshiko's trust in others planted the seeds of distress that I could not live with in the long years that followed.I am a person who is timid, acts only on the face of others, and has cracks in his trust in others.For me like this, Yoshiko's pure and innocent heart of trust is just as pleasing to the eye as a waterfall covered by green leaves.Unexpectedly, it turned into yellow sewage overnight.No, from that night on, Ryoko even started to pay more attention to my every frown and smile. "Hey," I yelled and she was terrified.She didn't seem to know where to turn her gaze.No matter how much I tried to make her laugh and burlesque, she was always terrified, timid, and even abused honorifics when speaking to me. Is the pure and unblemished trust really the root of all evil? I've looked around for stories about wives being raped, but I don't think any woman has been raped as tragically as Yoshiko.What happened to her cannot be a story.If there was even a little something close to love between that little businessman and Yoshiko, then maybe my mood would be saved instead.However, it was that night in summer that Ryoko believed in that guy.It was nothing more than that, but it caused me to be slashed on the forehead head-on, my voice became hoarse, my hair appeared juvenile gray, and Ryoko had to worry about it for the rest of his life.Most of the stories focus on whether the husband forgives the wife for that "behavior", but this, to me, is not such a major and distressing issue.To forgive or not to forgive, the husband who has this right is undoubtedly lucky. If he thinks that he cannot forgive his wife, then there is no need to make a lot of noise, just part with her immediately, and then marry a new wife. Isn't it all right?If you can't do this, then you have to "forgive" the other party and be patient with yourself.In any case, the husband's own mood alone can calm down the situation in all directions.In conclusion, it seems to me that even if that event is a huge blow to the husband, it is only a "shock".Unlike the waves that never cease to crash against the shore, it is an entanglement that can be dealt with and resolved with the wrath of a husband in power.And what about me?A husband has no right, not to mention anger, not even a single complaint.And the wife is brutally raped by precisely that rare and beautiful quality of her own.And that good quality was just such a poor thing that the husband had longed for, called "innocent trust." Is it a sin to be innocent and trustworthy? I even had doubts about the only beautiful quality worth relying on, and everything became more and more unreasonable, so that there was only alcohol left in front of me.The expression on my face became extremely humble, I drank soju early in the morning, and my teeth were broken and incomplete, and the manga in hand was just something similar to lewd paintings.No, let me be frank.At that time, I started copying Chunhua and selling it secretly, because I was in urgent need of money for drinking.Whenever I see Ryoko look away from me with a worried look, I even think wildly: She is a woman who doesn't know how to guard against others at all, maybe she had more than one encounter with that businessman. ? ——Suspicion begets suspicion, and a vicious circle is formed as a result.But I didn't have the courage to prove it, so I was haunted by the usual anxiety and fear, and only dared to try the humble inductive interrogation cautiously after being drunk.Although I was alternately happy and depressed in my heart, on the surface I was desperately performing antics, and after giving Yoshiko a hellish caress, I fell asleep like a puddle of mud. At the end of that year, I came home drunk in the dead of night.At that time, I really wanted to drink a cup of boiled sugar water, but Yoshiko seemed to have fallen asleep, so I had to go to the kitchen to find the sugar jar by myself.Open the lid and look, but there is no white sugar inside, only a slender black carton.I took it in my hand casually and saw a label on the box, which made me dumbfounded.Although more than half of the label was cut off with nails, the part marked with foreign characters remained, and it clearly read: DIAL. barbituric acid.Back then I was all drinking soju and not taking sleeping pills.However, insomnia seems to be my chronic illness, so I am quite familiar with most sleeping pills.Just one box of barbituric acid is enough to kill a person.The box has not been opened yet, presumably she once had the idea of ​​committing suicide, so she tore off the label on it and hid the medicine box in such a place.It's really pitiful, because the child couldn't read the foreign language on the label, so he just cut out half of it with his nails, thinking that no one would know. (You are innocent.) I didn't make a sound, just quietly filled a glass of water, then slowly opened the box, stuffed all the medicine into my mouth in one breath, drank the water in the glass calmly, then turned off the light and lay down like that asleep. It is said that for three whole days and nights, I seemed to be dead.The doctor thought it was due to negligence, so he hesitated and did not call the police.It is said that the first thing I said when I woke up was "go home".Even I don't know where the so-called "home" refers to.Anyway, I heard that I said so, and cried a lot. Gradually, the fog in front of me cleared up, and I took a closer look, and it turned out that it was "Flounder" sitting by my pillow with an unhappy look. "The last time it happened was at the end of the year. Everyone is so busy at this time. But he prefers to pick the end of the year to do this kind of thing. Isn't it killing me?" It was the proprietress of the bar in Kyobashi who was listening to Flounder's complaints. "Ma'am," I called. "Well, what's the matter? Are you awake?" As the proprietress spoke, she put her smiling face on mine. I couldn't help but burst into tears. "Just let me break up with Ryoko." What came out of my mouth was such a sentence that even I didn't expect. The proprietress stood up and let out a slight sigh. Then I made another gaffe, and this time it was so abrupt that it was impossible to tell whether it was funny or stupid. Le Pirate Friends overseas About Literature Other Links English Message Cell Art The latest version of Acrobat Reader のstart は上记アイコンをクリックしてね. Lunatic freaks Free-BBS Hide-BBS Notes 32 (2) [Reply to this post] [Close this window] [Refresh] [146 clicks] [Add to QQ collection] [Write a comment in my QQlog] -------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Tag: Chrysanthemum What is a tag? "I'm going where there are no women." "Ha-ha-ha-" First "Flounder" laughed loudly, and then the proprietress also laughed out loud.In the end, even I myself burst into tears while blushing and wryly laughing. "Well, that's all right," said Flounder, who was still grinning vulgarly. "Better go where there are no women. If there are women, you can't do anything. Go where there are no women. That's a good idea." No place for women.But my nonsense, which is almost like an idiot's dream, soon tragically turned into reality. Yoshiko seemed to think that I had swallowed the drug instead of her, so she was more frightened in front of me than before.No matter what I said, she didn't smile, so when I stayed in the apartment room, I felt short of breath and went outside to drink again.But since the barbituric acid incident, my body has become obviously thinner, my hands and feet have become weak and erect, and I often slack off when drawing cartoons.At that time, as a visit fee, "Flounder" left me a sum of money ("Flounder" said "this is a little favor from me", and then handed me the money as if it was taken from his own pocket. Same. But in fact, this is also money sent by my brothers in my hometown. At this time, I am no longer the same as when I fled from "Flounder"'s house. I can vaguely see through "Flounder"'s pretentious tricks. So I was able to cunningly pretend to be ignorant and thanked "Flounder". However, why did "Flounder" and others abandon the simplicity and follow the complexity instead of telling the truth directly? I seem to understand the reason I don’t understand, I feel very strange).I made up my mind to use that money to go to Donan Izu Onsen by myself.However, I am not the kind of person who can take a leisurely trip around the hot springs for a long time, and when I think of Yoshiko, I feel infinitely sad.And I myself was far removed from the peaceful state of mind of looking at the mountains through the window of a hotel room, where I neither changed into a cotton kimono nor took a hot spring bath, but just ran outside like a dirty teahouse. He drank desperately and ruined his body even weaker before returning to Tokyo. It was one night when a heavy snow fell in Tokyo.I walked drunkenly along the back streets of Ginza, humming repeatedly in a low voice, "This is hundreds of miles away from my hometown, here is hundreds of miles away from my hometown".I was singing and kicking the snow off the street with the toe of my shoe, and suddenly I vomited, the first time I vomited blood.I saw a huge sun flag appearing on the snow.I squatted in place for a while, and then took the unstained white snow with both hands, and cried while washing my face. Where is the trail here? Where is the trail here? A girl's mournful singing sounded vaguely like an auditory hallucination from a distance.Unlucky.There are unhappy people in this world, no, there are unhappy people.Even so, it is by no means an exaggeration.However, their misfortune can openly protest to the world, and the "world" can easily understand and sympathize with their protest.My misfortune, however, was entirely due to my own sin, and it was impossible to protest to anyone.If I had the audacity to stammer something close to a protest, not only Flounder, but everyone in the world would undoubtedly be astonished by my outrageous words.Am I "headstrong" as the saying goes?Or, on the contrary, does it appear to be timid and shrinking in the past?I can't even figure it out myself.In short, I am a solidified body of sin, so I can only become more and more unfortunate, and this cannot be stopped and prevented. I stood up, pondering: I should take some symptomatic medicine first.So, I walked into a nearby pharmacy.The moment my eyes met with the owner of the store, I saw her raised her head and stared wide-eyed as if dazzled by a flashlight, and stood there blankly.But there was neither surprise nor disgust in those wide eyes, but an expression that seemed to be asking for help and full of longing.Oh, she must be an unfortunate, too, for unhappy people are always sensitive to other people's misfortunes.Just as I was thinking about it, I found that the woman was standing tremblingly with a cane.I resisted the idea of ​​running towards her, and when she and I looked at each other, tears welled up in my eyes.Then, tears flowed from her wide-open eyes. That's all.I walked out of the pharmacy without a word, staggered back to the apartment, and asked Yoshiko to dissolve a glass of salt water for me to drink.Then fell asleep silently.The next day I panicked that I had a cold and fell asleep all day.At night, I was so disturbed by my vomiting blood (although no one knew it), I got up and went to the pharmacy.This time, I smiled and confessed my physical condition to the proprietress, and consulted her about treatment methods. "You have to quit drinking." We are like our own flesh and blood. "Maybe it's alcoholism. I still want to drink now." "That can't be done. My husband has tuberculosis, but he insists that wine can kill bacteria, so he soaked in wine all day long. As a result, he shortened his own life span." "I'm really worried. I'm so scared, I'm dying." "I'll give you medicine right now. But alcohol is the only thing, you have to quit it." The proprietress (she is a widow, has a boy under her knees, and was admitted to a medical university in Chiba or somewhere, but soon suffered from the same disease as her father, and is now in the hospital. There is also a father-in-law who has had a stroke at home, And she herself suffered from polio when she was five years old, and one foot was completely useless) leaning on a pine tree crutch, she rummaged through boxes and chests to find all kinds of medicines. This is a hematopoietic agent. This is a vitamin shot, and this is a syringe. This is calcium tablets.This is amylase, which can treat a bad stomach. What is this, what is that, she lovingly introduced me to five or six medicines.But the love of this unfortunate lady was too deep for me.Finally, she said, "This is the medicine you take when you can't help but want to drink," and quickly wrapped the medicine in a cardboard box. It turned out to be an injection of morphine. Madam said that "this medicine is at least less harmful than alcohol", so I listened to her words, and it happened to be at a time when I also thought that alcoholism was quite shameful, so I secretly rejoiced that I could finally get rid of alcohol. The demon was entangled, so he injected morphine into his arm without hesitation.Restlessness, restlessness, shyness, etc., were all swept away at once, and I even became a refreshed orator.And every time I was injected with morphine, I would forget about my weakness and work hard, creating comics while conceiving brilliant plans in my mind that would make people laugh. I planned to inject one injection a day, but I didn't expect to increase it to two injections a day, and finally increased to four injections a day. Once I lacked that thing, I couldn't work at all. "That can't be done. Once poisoned, it will kill you." After being reminded by the lady in the pharmacy, I realized that I had become a very serious poisoner (I am a fragile person by nature, and I always listen to other people’s hints. For example, someone said that although the money is useless, since it is As for you, then... as soon as I heard this, I would have a wonderful illusion: as if I didn’t need to spend the money, but I would live up to the other party’s expectations, so I immediately spent it).Out of fear of poisoning, I actually started to demand that medicine. "Please, give me another box. I'll definitely pay for it at the end of the month." "As for the money, it doesn't matter when you pay, but it's annoying when the police manage it." Ah, there is always a cloudy, gray, shady suspiciousness about me. "Please prevaricate, please, madam. Let me kiss you." Madam's face turned red all of a sudden. I took advantage of the situation and begged: "Without the medicine, the work wouldn't progress at all. For me, it's like a booster." "In that case, it's better to inject hormones." "Are you kidding me? Either with the booze or the drug, or I can't work." "Alcohol is not acceptable." "Right? I haven't had a drink since I've been on that drug. Thanks to that, I'm doing pretty well. I don't think I'll be drawing crappy cartoons forever. From now on, I'm going to quit drinking, get my health in order, study hard, and show you a great painter. It's at a critical moment, so I beg you, let me kiss you." Madam burst out laughing: "This is embarrassing, I don't know if I am poisoned." Leaning on her crutches, she took the medicine from the medicine shelf and said: "I can't give you a whole box, you'll use it up in no time. I'll give you half." "How stingy, hey, there is no way." When I got home, I got an injection right away. "Does it not hurt?" Ryoko asked me timidly. "Of course it hurts. But, in order to improve work efficiency, I have to do it even if I don't want to. Am I feeling refreshed these days? Okay, I'll get to work right now. Work, work." I yelled excitedly. I even knocked on the door of the pharmacy in the dead of night.The lady was wrapped in pajamas, and walked out with a cane on crutches.I rushed forward and hugged her, kissing her while pretending to cry bitterly. Madam just handed me a box of medicine without saying a word. Drugs are the same as liquor, no, even more disgusting and nasty things-when I deeply realized this, I had become a complete poisoner.That's shameless.In order to get the medicine, I started copying Chunhua again, and established a downright ugly relationship with the crippled female owner of the drugstore. I want to die.Simply die.The situation is irreversible.No matter what you do, it's all in vain, it will only embarrass you and make things worse.Riding a bicycle to see the waterfall covered by green leaves is just a luxury that I can't achieve.It will only add shameful sins to filthy sins, making troubles more and more intense.I want to die, I have to die.To live is the seed of evil.Even though I thought about it so much, I still didn't change my half-crazy look, just shuttling back and forth between the apartment and the pharmacy. No matter how hard I worked, I owed a horrific amount of drug bills as my doses escalated.夫人一看到我的脸，就会泪流满面，而我也禁不住潸然泪下。 hell. 倘若为了逃出地狱的最后手段也归于失败了的话，那么，往后便只有勒颈自尽了。我决定不惜把神的存在与否作为赌注，斗胆给老家的父亲写了一封长信，坦白地告诉他关于我自己的一切实情（有关女人的事儿，最终还是没能写上）。 没想到结果更加糟糕。无论我怎么等待，都一直杳无音讯。等待的焦灼与不安反而使我加大了药量。 今夜，索性一口气注射十针，然后跳进大海里一死方休——就在我如此暗下决心的那天下午，“比目鱼“就像是用恶魔的直觉嗅到了什么似的，带着掘木出现在我面前。 “听说你咳血了。” 掘木说着，在我面前盘腿坐下。他脸上的微笑荡漾着一种我从未见过的温柔。那温柔的微笑使我感激涕零，兴奋不已，以致于我不由得背过身子潸然泪下。仅仅因为他那温柔的微笑，我便被彻底打碎了，被一下子埋葬了。 他们把我强行送上汽车。无论如何我必须得住院治疗，而且其他的事情全部由他们解决，“比目鱼”就这样用平静的语气规劝着我（那是一种平静得甚至可以形容为大慈大悲的语调）。我就俨然是一个＄意志、没有判断力的人一般，只是抽抽嗒嗒地哭着，唯唯诺诺地服从他们俩的指示。加上良子，我们一共是四个人在汽车上颠簸了许久，直到周围变得有些昏暗的时候，才抵达了森林中一所大医院的门口。 我以为这是一所结核病疗养院。 我接受了一个年轻医生温柔而周到的检查，然后他有些腼腆地笑着说道： “那就在这里静养一阵子吧。” “比目鱼”、掘木和良子撂下我一个人回去了。临走时良子递给我一个装有换洗衣服的包袱，接着一声不响地从腰带中间取出注射器和没有用完的药品给我。她还蒙在鼓里，以为那是强精剂。 “不，我不要那个。” 这可是一件罕见的事情。在别人劝我的情况下，敢于加以拒绝，这是我迄今为止的生涯中，是绝无仅有的例外，这样说一点也不夸张。我的不幸乃是一个缺乏拒绝能力的人的不幸。我时常陷入一种恐惧之中，以为如果别人劝我干什么而自己加以拒绝的话，就会在对方的心灵和自己的心灵中剜开一道永远无法修复的裂痕。可是，在良子递给我药品时，我却自然而然地拒绝了自己几近疯狂地四处寻求的吗啡。或许是我被良子那种“神灵一般的无知”所打动了吧。在那一瞬间，难道我不是并没有中毒吗？ 我被那个有些腼腆地微笑着的年轻医生带着，进入了某一栋病房。大门上“喀嚓”一声挂上了大锁。原来这是一所精神病医院。 “去一个没有女人的地方。”我在服用巴比妥酸时的胡言乱语竟然奇妙地化作了现实。在这栋病房里，全部是发疯的男人。甚至连护士也是男的，没有一个女人。 如今我已不再是罪人，而是狂人。不，我绝对没有发狂。哪怕是一瞬间，我不曾疯狂过。但是，被关进这所医院的人全是狂人，而逍遥在外的全都是正常人。 我问神灵：难道不反抗也是一种罪过吗？ 面对掘木那不可思议的美丽微笑，我曾经感激涕零，甚至忘记了判断和反抗便坐上了汽车，被他们带进这儿，变成了一个狂人。即使再从这里出去，我的额头上也会被打上“狂人”，不，是“废人”的烙印。 我已丧失了做人的资格。 我已彻底变得不是一个人了。 来到这儿时，还是在初夏时节。从镶有铁格子的窗户向外望去，能看见庭院内的小小池塘里盛开的红色睡莲花，又是三个月过去了，庭院里开始绽放出波斯菊花了。这时，意想不到的事情发生了：老家的大哥带着“比目鱼”前来接我出院了。大哥用他惯有的那种一本正经而又不失紧张的语气说道：“父亲在上个月的月末因患胃溃疡去世了。我们对你既往不咎，也不想让你为生活操心费神，你什么都不用做。不过，有一个前提条件，尽管你肯定是依依不舍的，但必须离开东京，回老家去过一种疗养生活。你在东京所闯下的祸，涩田先生已大体帮你了解了，你不必记挂在心。” 蓦然间故乡的山水栩栩如生地浮现在我的眼前。I nodded slightly. 我已完全变成了一个废人。 得知父亲病故后，我越发变得委靡颓废了。父亲已经去了。父亲作为片刻也不曾离开我心际的、一种可亲又可怕的存在，已经消失而去了，我觉得自己那收容苦恼的器皿也陡然变得空空荡荡的。我甚至觉得，自己那苦恼的器皿之所以曾经那么沉重，也完全是因为父亲的缘故。于是我顷刻之间变成了一只泄了气的皮球，甚至丧失了苦恼的能力。 大哥不折不扣地履行了对我的诺言。在从我生长的城镇坐火车南下四五个小时的地方，有一处东北地区少有的温暖的海滨温泉。村边有五栋破旧的茅屋，里面的墙壁已经剥落，柱子也被虫蛀了，几乎无法修缮。但大哥却为我买下了那些房子，并为我雇了一个年近六十、长着一头红发的丑陋女佣。 那以后又过去了三年的光阴。其间我多次奇妙地遭到那个名叫阿铁的老女佣的强暴。有时我和她甚至还像一对夫妻似的吵架顶嘴。我肺上的毛病时好时坏，忽而胖了，忽然瘦了，甚至还咳出了血痰。昨天我让阿铁去村里的药铺买点卡尔莫钦[一种烈性镇静安眠药]谁知她买回来的药和我平时服用的那种药，其药盒形状上就大为不同。对此我也没有特别留意，可睡前我连吃了十粒也无法入睡。正当我觉得蹊跷时，肚子开始七上八下的，于是急急忙忙地跑进厕所，结果腹泻得厉害。那以后又接连上了三次厕所。我觉得好生奇怪，这才仔仔细细地看了装药的盒子，原来是一种名叫“海诺莫钦”的泻药。 我仰面躺在床上，把热水袋放在腹部，恨不得对阿铁发一通牢骚。 “你呀，这不是卡尔莫钦，而是海诺莫钦呐。” 我刚一开口，就哈哈地笑了。“废人”，这的确像是一个喜剧名词。本想入睡，却吃成了泻药，而那泻药的名字正好叫海诺莫钦。 对于我来说，如今已经不再存在着什么幸福与不幸福了。 只是一切都将过去。 在迄今为止我一直痛苦不堪地生活过来的这个所谓“人”的世界里，唯一可以视为真理的东西，就只有这一样。 只是一切都将过去。 今年我才刚满二十七岁。因为白发明显增多的缘故，人们大都认为我已经四十有余了。