Chapter 4 Notes 3 1

one Of Zhu Yi's two prophecies, one was fulfilled, but the other was not. The ignominious prophecy of being infatuated with a woman came true, while the blessed prophecy of being sure to become a great painter was dashed. I'm just a no-name crappy cartoonist for sleazy magazines. I was expelled from the school because of the suicide in Kamakura.So, I had to live and live in a three-bed house on the second floor of the "Flounder" house.A very small amount of money is sent from home every month, and it is not sent directly to me, but secretly sent to "Flounder". (It seems that my brothers in my hometown sent it without telling my father).In addition, all contact between me and my hometown was severed.And "Flounder" always looks unhappy, no matter how much I smile at him flatteringly, he doesn't smile at all, which makes me wonder: how can people change beyond recognition so easily?It shames me, no, it's rather funny. "Flounder" changed from his usual hospitality, and just repeated the following sentence to me:

"Don't go out. Anyway, please don't go out." It seems that "Flounder" thinks that I am suspected of committing suicide, in other words, there is a danger of me jumping into the sea again with the woman, so I am strictly prohibited from going out.I can neither drink nor smoke, but can only sleep in the kotatsu in the third-mat room on the second floor from morning to night, flipping through old magazines, living a life like a fool, and even lose the strength to commit suicide Exhausted. The home of "Flounder" is located near the Okubo Medical College. Although the signboards stately say "Calligraphy and Painting Antique Dealer", "Qinglong Garden" and so on, after all, it only occupies one of the two households in this house.Moreover, the front of the store is quite narrow, the store is full of dust, and there are a lot of rags piled up (originally "Flounder" does not rely on the rags in the store to do business, but is active in other occasions, such as Ownership of one so-called boss's collection is transferred to another so-called "boss" for profit).He almost never sat in the store, but in the early morning, he put on a face and hurried out of the store, leaving only a seventeen or eighteen-year-old boy guarding the store.Of course he is also responsible for guarding me.Whenever he had free time, he would go outside and play pitching games with the neighboring children, as if he regarded me, the diner on the second floor, as a fool or a lunatic, and sometimes even lectured me like an adult.This little guy is Shida's illegitimate son, but there are some strange inside stories, which makes Shida and him not worthy of father and son.Moreover, Shibuda has been single and never married, which seems to have something to do with it.I remember hearing some related rumors from my own family in the past, but I'm not very interested in other people's affairs, so I don't know the details.But the boy's eyes were indeed reminiscent of those fish's eyes, so maybe he was really the illegitimate son of "Flounder"... If so, the two of them could indeed be regarded as a pair of miserable father and son.In the dead of night, they often steal soba noodles without telling me on the second floor.

At Flounder's it was always the little chap who was in charge of the chef.Meals for me, a diner on the second floor, are usually served on trays by the boy, while "Flounder" and the boy eat in a hurry in the wet room downstairs with four and a half beds Crackling the dishes. On a dusk at the end of March, perhaps "Flounder" found some unexpected way to make money, or he had other schemes (even if these two speculations are not wrong, at least there are all kinds of things that my generation can't guess. For trivial reasons), he made an exception and called me downstairs to the dining table.It is rare to see a hip flask and sashimi on the table, and the sashimi is not cheap flounder, but expensive tuna.Even the host who entertained me was greatly moved and praised, and even persuaded me, a bewildered diner, to order some wine.

"What are you going to do, after this?" I didn't answer, I just picked up a piece of dried sardine fillet from the plate on the table and looked at the silvery white eyeballs on the little fish's body, and the alcohol gradually rose.I'm starting to miss those days of wandering around, and digging wood.I longed for "freedom" so badly that I was almost so weak that I covered my face and wept. After I moved into this house, I even lost the desire to be funny, and just let myself be scorned by Flounder and the boy. "Flounder" also seemed to avoid long, heart-to-heart conversations with me, and I myself had no intention of following him to tell him my heart, so I became almost entirely a soggy eater.

"The so-called deferred prosecution will not become a person's criminal record in the future. So you can get a new life just by your own determination. If you want to change your mind and ask for my opinion seriously, then I will consider it. " The "flounder" statement, no, the statement of all the people in the world, always appears oblique and vague, and there is a subtlety and complexity in it like an attempt to avoid responsibility.I was always puzzled by their almost futile precautions and countless little tricks, and finally had to let him go.Either I muddled through with funny jokes, or I muddled through with silent nods, in short, I adopted the passivity of a loser.

Many years later, I realized that if "Flounder" told me succinctly and succinctly like the following, things would have been different, but... I have done so much for "Flounder", no, for the unreasonable vanity of the world Heart and face concept, feel extremely desolate and gloomy. If only "Flounder" had told me so bluntly: "It doesn't matter whether it's a government school or a private school, you have to go to a school starting from April anyway. As long as you are willing to go to school, your hometown will send you more abundant living expenses."

I later learned that, in fact, that was the case at the time.If you say that, I will obey you.But I got so awkward with the overly cautious, overly circumspect "Flounder" that the direction of my life was completely changed. "If you are not sincere enough to ask for my opinion, then there is nothing I can do." "What advice do you ask for?" I was as confused as Monk Zhang Er. "It's just about something on your mind." "For example?" "For example, what do you plan to do in the future?" "Let's find some work to do, shall we?"

"No, I'm asking what do you really think?" "However, even if I want to go to school..." "That also costs money. But it's not about the money, it's about your thinking." Why didn't he say clearly that "my hometown will send money over"?Just this one sentence, I will make up my mind.But now I'm in a cloud. "How? Do you have hope for the future or something like that? How hard it is to take care of a person is beyond the comprehension of the caretaker." "I'm sorry." "This really worries me. Since I promised to take care of you, I don't want you to give up halfway. I hope you will show your determination and embark on a new life. As for your future plans, if you tell me sincerely I ask for my opinion, and I am willing to discuss it with you. Of course, I, "Flounder" is a poor man, but I am still willing to support you. But if you still want to live the rich life of the past, it is a big deal. Wrong. But if you have a solid idea, a clear plan for the future, and are willing to discuss it with me, then I will go out of my way to help you get a new life. Do you understand? How I feel? You What are you going to do next?"

"If you really don't want to take me in, I'll go out and find some work to do..." "Did you really say that? In today's world, even a graduate of Imperial University still..." "No, I'm not going to be a white-collar worker." "Then what do you do?" "Be a painter." I said it cruelly. "Hey?!" I can't forget the sly face of "Flounder" scrunching his neck back then.There was something close to contempt but different from contempt hidden in that sneering face.If the human world is compared to a sea, then in the vast abyss of the sea, there is clearly that kind of wonderful shadow swaying.It was through that sneer that I peered into the deep mysteries of adult life.

Finally he said: "The idea of ​​wanting to be a painter is really absurd. You are not emotionally stable at all. You should think about it again. You should think about it tonight." As if being chased by someone, he quickly climbed up to the second floor.No matter how much I tossed and turned, I couldn't come up with any other ideas.After a while, dawn broke.At dawn I escaped from Flounder's house. "I'll definitely be back in the evening. Regarding future plans, I'm going to discuss with a friend mentioned below, so please don't worry about me. Really."

I wrote the above words on the raft with a pencil.Then, he wrote down Masao Asakusa Horiki's address and name, and quietly slipped out of "Flounder"'s house. I didn't sneak out because I hated "Flounder" preaching.As "Flounder" said, I'm an emotionally unstable man.I don't know anything about my future plans, and if I stay at "Flounder"'s house as a diner, I will feel sorry for "Flounder".Even though I wanted to work hard and set high ambitions, when I thought that I had to receive financial assistance from the "flounder" who was not rich every month, I couldn't help feeling sad and miserable. However, I didn't really want to discuss "future plans" with Horaki before I escaped from "Flounder"'s house.Even for a moment, I hope to put "Flounder" at ease first (and during the time when he is relieved, I can escape a little further. It is precisely because of this detective story strategy that I I just wrote that note. No, no, not without it, but it would be more accurate to say: I was afraid that I would hit "Flounder" too hard by accident and make him panic. Although the truth of the matter sooner or later To be exposed, but I am still afraid to say it outright. So some kind of cover-up is necessary. This is one of my sad characteristics, although it is quite similar to the character that the world despises as "lying", But I never did that for personal gain, I just felt a kind of suffocating fear of the disappointment caused by the sudden change of the atmosphere, so even if I knew it would be bad for me afterwards, I would definitely do that kind of desperate work Even though this kind of "service" is a distorted, insignificant and extremely stupid thing, it is precisely because of this mentality of "serving" that I can't help adding beautiful However, this habit is often exploited by the so-called "honest men" in the world), so, driven by memory, I wrote down the address and name of Homu that came to mind at that time in a corner of the raft. I left Flounder's house and walked all the way to Shinjuku to sell the books in my pocket.Now I'm at a loss.Although I am very popular among my friends, I have never really experienced the so-called "friendship" once.Leaving aside friends like Horaki, all of my interactions have only brought me pain.To beat the pain, I played the buffoon desperately, exhausted.Even seeing a familiar face on the street, even a face similar to an acquaintance, I would be startled, and for a moment I would be gripped firmly by that dizzy, painful shudder.Even knowing that someone likes me, I lack the ability to love others (of course, I doubt that people in the world really have the ability to love others).It is impossible for me to have so-called "close friends".Moreover, I lack even the ability to visit friends.For me, the gates of other people's homes are more eerie than the gates of hell in "The Divine Comedy".This is not alarmist talk, I really have such a feeling: It seems that there seems to be a terrible dragon-like monster that exudes a stench, crawling and wriggling in the depths of other people's houses. I have no relationship with anyone, I can't go anywhere. Or go to dig wood there. This is a typical fake show.I decided to visit Horiki in Asakusa as written in the message.Before that, I never took the initiative to visit Jumu's house, but mostly called Jumu to come to my place.Right now I can't even pay for the telegram fee, let alone with my destitute body, I'm afraid Hoki won't come out to see me just by sending a telegram.I decided to do an "interview" that I am not good at, so I got on the tram with a sigh.For me, is the only life-saving straw in this world that digging wood?When I think of this, a feeling of desolation that runs down my spine suddenly covers me. Digging at home.His home is a two-story building deep in a dirty alley.What Hoki occupied was a room on the second floor with only six mats.Digi's elderly parents and three young craftsmen are making clogs downstairs, beating and beating, and sewing clog laces. That day, Horiki showed me a new side of him as an urbanite.That is, the cunning side as the saying goes.He was a ruthless, cunning egoist who left me, a country bumpkin, dumbfounded.He is far from a man who is forever wandering like me. "You really surprised me. Did your old man forgive you? Not yet?!" I dare not say that I escaped. I am prevaricating as usual.Even though Horaki would notice right away, I still prevaricated and said: "There's always a way." "Hey, that's not a joke. Even if it's my advice to you, it's time to stop doing stupid things. I have something to do today. I'm really busy these days." "What's wrong?! What's the matter?!" "Hey, hey, don't you snap the straps on the cushion." As I was talking, I unconsciously fiddled with the tassel-shaped ropes on the four sides of the cushion below with my fingertips. I didn’t know whether it was the thread ends on the cushion or the ropes, so I just kept pulling. Pull and play.As long as it is something at home, Jumu seems to cherish even a thin rope on the cushion, and even scolds me righteously and sternly.In retrospect, Jumu had never suffered any disadvantages in his association with me before. Horiki's old mother brought up two bowls of rice cake and red bean soup on a tray. "Oh, you are..." Jue Mu looked like an out-and-out filial son, and he looked sincere and fearful in front of the old mother, and even the tone of his speech was unnaturally respectful: "I'm sorry, is it rice cake and red bean soup? It's too rich. I didn't need to worry about it because we have something to go out immediately. But, thinking that this is your special rice cake and red bean soup, it would be a shame if you didn't eat it It's a pity. Let's drink then. How about you have a bowl too? My mother made it on purpose. Oh, it's delicious. It's rich!" He was extremely excited, drinking with relish, and his expression didn't look like he was acting.I also took a sip of the red bean soup, only to smell a whiff of boiled water.I tasted the rice cake again, and felt that it was not a rice cake at all, but an inexplicable object that I didn't know at all.Of course, I am definitely not here to despise the poverty of their family (Actually, I didn’t feel bad at the time, and the old mother’s heart also touched me. Even if I have a sense of fear of poverty, there is absolutely no sense of contempt) .Thanks to the rice cake adzuki bean soup and Horiki who was elated by the rice cake adzuki bean soup, I clearly saw the frugal nature of urbanites, and saw the true face of a Tokyo family with its internal and external differences and bleak management.I found that I was the only one who was stupid, and ran away from other people's lives one after another, regardless of the inside and outside, and was even disgusted by people like Dimu.Why doesn't this scare me?I was tinkering with chopsticks with peeling paint, and while drinking rice cake and red bean soup, I couldn't help but fell into an unbearable loneliness and desolation.I just want to put this on the record. "I'm sorry, I have something to do today," Jueki stood up and said while putting on his shirt, "I'm so rude, I'm really sorry." At this time, a female guest came to find Hoki.Unexpectedly, my fate also changed dramatically. Horiki suddenly lifted his spirits and said: "Oh, I'm so sorry. I was thinking about going to visit you. But there's an unexpected visitor. But it's all right, hello, please." He looked disorganized.I vacated the cushion I was padded and turned it over and handed it to him. He snatched it away, turned it over and put it back, and asked the woman to sit down.In addition to Oki's cushion, there is only one cushion for guests left in the room. The woman is tall and thin.She moved the cushion aside and sat down in the corner near the door. I listened blankly to the conversation between the two of them. The woman seemed to be from a certain magazine. It seemed that she had invited Takiki to draw some illustrations not long ago, and this time she was here to pick up the manuscript. "Because I'm in a hurry, so..." "It's been drawn. And it's been drawn a long time ago. Here it is. Please have a look." Then a telegram came. Horaki looked at the telegram.I saw that his originally cheerful face suddenly became a little eerie. "Hey, tell me, what is going on?" It turned out to be a telegram from Flounder. "Anyway, please go back quickly. It would be great if I could send you back, but I really don't have the time right now. Look at you, you've run away from home, and you still look swaggering." "Where do you live?" "Okubo." I couldn't help blurting out. "That happens to be near our company." The woman was born in Koshu and is twenty-eight years old.Lives in Koenji's apartment with a five-year-old daughter.It is said that her husband has been dead for nearly three years. "You look like you've had a hard time growing up. You can see you're smart, poor enough." From then on, I lived like a concubine for the first time.When Shizuko (the female reporter) went to work at the magazine office in Shinjuku, I took care of the house with her five-year-old daughter Shigeko.Before that, Fanzi always played in the apartment manager's room when her mother was away, but now she is very happy to have a "smart" uncle to play with her. I was there for a week or so bewildered.Through the apartment window, a kite could be seen tangled up in a nearby power line.The dusty spring wind blew the kite to pieces, but it clung tightly to the wire and refused to leave, as if nodding in approval.Whenever I see this scene, I can't help but smile wryly, my face turns red, and I'm even haunted by nightmares. "I want some money." "...how much?" "It takes a lot... As the saying goes, 'Once the money is used up, the fate will be broken', which is really true." "You're a fool. That's just an old saying..." "Really? But you won't understand. If it goes on like this, maybe I'll get away." "Who has the least money? Who is going to run away? You are so strange." "I want to earn my own money, and use the money I earn to buy alcohol, no, cigarettes. Let's just say painting. I also think I can paint better than Toki." At times like this, I can't help but think of the self-portraits I drew in middle school, those self-portraits that Takeichi called "portraits of monsters".Those are some lost masterpieces.Although they have been lost in repeated migrations, I always feel that they are the only ones that can be called excellent paintings.After that, I also tried to paint various paintings, but they were far from the masterpiece in my memory, so that I was always tormented by a sense of loss, as if my whole chest had become a hollow . A glass of leftover absinthe. That's how I secretly describe the sense of loss that can never be healed.At the mention of painting, the leftover glass of absinthe would flicker in front of me.I was disturbed by a sense of restlessness.Ah, I really want to show her those pictures.I want her to believe in my drawing skills! "Hmph, how's it going? You're still making jokes in a serious manner, so cute." It's not a joke, it's true!Ah, I really want to show her those pictures.I thought in vain.Suddenly I changed my mind, broke the idea, and said: "Manga, at least drawing manga, I think I'm better than Oki." This deceitful joke, but she believed it to be true. "Yeah, in fact, I also admire you quite a lot. The comics you usually draw for Fanzi make me laugh out loud. How about you try to draw? I can also ask the president of our agency I will introduce you." Their magazine published an obscure monthly magazine for children. "...Most women want to do something for you when they see you...because you always look terrified, but you're an excellent comic.  … ...Sometimes you are so lonely and unhappy, and that appearance makes women fall in love with you." In addition, Shizuko said a lot of things to give me a high hat, but when I thought that it was just a despicable trait belonging to male concubines, I became more and more "depressed" and sluggish.I secretly thought: money is more important than women, sooner or later I will leave Shizuko to live a self-supporting life.But in fact, I am becoming more and more dependent on Shizuko.Including everything after I ran away from "Flounder"'s house, I was taken care of by this Koshu woman who surpassed men. As a result, I had to "tremble" in front of Shizuko. Under the arrangement of Shizuko, "Flounder", Hoki and Shizuko held three-party talks and reached an agreement: I completely broke with my hometown and lived together with Shizuko "righteously".Under Shizuko's many efforts, my comics also unexpectedly earned some income, and I used the money to buy alcohol and cigarettes.Unexpectedly, my anxiety and depression continued unabated.I was so depressed that when I was drawing the monthly serial manga "The Adventures of Kintaro and Kotaro" for Shizuko's magazine, I couldn't help but think back to my family in my hometown.Due to the excessive desolation, the paintbrush in my hand would stop working suddenly, and I was already in tears as I lay down on the table. At times like this, the only one who can comfort me a little is Fanzi.Fanzi has not shy away from calling me "Dad". "Father, some people say that as long as you pray, God will answer everything. Is this true?" After all, I need exactly such prayers. O grant me a calm will!Please tell me the essence of "human"!Isn't it a crime for one person to crowd out and bully another?Please give me the mask of anger! "Well, yes, for Fanzi, God will agree to everything. But for Dad, I'm afraid it won't work." "Why doesn't it work?" "Because Dad disobeyed his parents." "Really? But everyone says that Dad is a very good man." That's because I lied to them.I also know that everyone in this apartment shows me good feelings, but in fact, how I fear them!The more I fear them, the more I win their favor, and the more I win their favor, the more I fear them and have to keep away from them.However, it is obviously extremely difficult to explain my unfortunate eccentricity to Fanzi. "Fanzi, what exactly do you want to pray to God?" I casually changed the subject. "Fanzi, I want my real father." I was taken aback, and my eyes were dizzy.enemy.Am I Fanzi's enemy?Or is Fanzi my enemy?Anyway, here, too, is a terrible grown-up who threatens me.The other, the incredible other, the other full of secrets.In an instant, in my eyes, Fanzi suddenly became such a different person. I thought only Fanzi was an exception, but I didn't expect that she also had "the tail of the ox that accidentally killed the gadfly" hidden on her body. After that, even in front of Fanzi, I had to be on tenterhooks. "Sexy! Are you at home?" Hoki started coming here to look for me again.When I ran away from the Flounder's house, he had treated me so indifferently, but now I could not refuse him, but greeted him with a smile. "Didn't I hear that your comics are very popular? An amateur like you has the guts of 'a newborn calf is not afraid of a tiger'. But don't be careless. Your sketches are not good at all. Nah!" He posed in front of me like a master painter.What would he look like if I showed him those "portraits of monsters"?I began to be anxious again, in vain, as usual.I said: "Don't talk about me like that, or I'll cry a lot." Horaki became more and more complacent: "If you only rely on your ability to deal with people, you will be exposed sooner or later." The ability to deal with people... Hearing what he said, I couldn't answer except for a wry smile.I actually have the ability to live in the world!Could it be that in the eyes of others, my character of fearing others, avoiding others, and prevaricating others is actually the same as the way of following the common saying in life, "playing wise and muddling along"?Ah, people who don't know each other, who are so different from each other, but who think they are best friends, and who spend their whole lives unaware of each other's differences.Waiting for the other party to die, isn't it still crying and reading a eulogy? Horaki was the witness who dealt with all kinds of problems after I left the "Flounder" house (he must have reluctantly agreed to it under Shizuko's begging), so he put on a look like a great benefactor of my new life or The style of the old man under the moon, he either preached to me seriously, or came to sleep in the middle of the night drunk, or borrowed five dollars from me (five dollars every time without exception). "However, you should stop playing with women. If you continue to play, the world will not tolerate it." The so-called world, what is it?Is it the plural of people?But where does the entity of the "worldly world" exist?So far, I have always thought it is a harsh, harsh, and terrible thing, and I have been living in this kind of thinking. Now that I was said by Jumu, a sentence almost burst out of my throat : "The so-called world, isn't it you?" I was afraid of angering Jumu, so I swallowed the words again. (The world will not allow that.) (Not the world, but you wouldn't allow that.) (If you do that, the world will piss you off!) (You will soon be buried by the world.) (Not by the world, but by you.) (You have to be a little self-aware of how scary, weird, vicious, and cunning you are!) Words like these come and go in my chest.Even so, I could only wipe my sweaty face with a towel, and muttered with a smile: "Cold sweat, cold sweat!" From then on, I began to have an idea that can be called "thought": Isn't the so-called world just a person? After I had this idea, compared to before, I was more or less able to act according to my own will.To borrow Shizuko's words, I have become a little willful, and I am no longer as trembling as before.To borrow Horiki's words, I've become surprisingly mean.But by Fanzi's words, I don't spoil her very much. I became unsmiling, taking care of Fanzi every day, and at the same time answering the appointments of various magazines (gradually, publishing houses other than Shizuko and the others began to ask me to write articles, but those were all so-called lower-level articles than Shizuko and the others. Third-rate Publishing House) to draw some self-defeating serial comics, such as "The Adventures of Kintaro and Kotaro", and "Leisure Monk" which obviously imitated "Leisure Dad" , and "Impatient Little Ping" and so on.I was full of melancholy, drawing slowly (my pen speed is rather slow), so as to earn some drink money.After Shizuko came home from the magazine office, it was my turn to go out.I walked out of the house with a sullen face, sipping cheap and strong alcohol on the beach bunk near Koenji Station or in a simple tavern, and waited for my mood to become happy before returning to the apartment. Shizuko said: "The more I look at you, the more weird you look. In fact, the look of a leisurely monk was inspired by your sleeping appearance." "You look very old when you sleep. You look like a forty-year-old man." "Isn't it all your fault. I was sucked dry by you. As the saying goes, 'the water in the river is the body of the person', what is there to be unhappy about?" "Stop yelling, go to bed early. Otherwise, you can eat something first." She was so calm, she didn't pay any attention to my words. "If it's wine, I would really like to drink some...the water in the river and the human body, the human water and... no, the water in the river and the body of the flowing water..." While moaning, I asked Shizuko to take off my clothes.Then I buried my forehead in Shizuko's chest and fell asleep.This is my daily life. Repeated the same thing the next day Just follow the same habits as yesterday If you wish to avoid ecstasy Great horror and great sorrow will not come Dodge the boulder blocking the way ahead weave like a toad When I read this poem by Toshi Ueda [Japanese poet and translator], written by Charles Craw, my whole face was ashamed like a flame was burning. toad. (This is me. There is no such thing as tolerance or intolerance, burial or not burial. I am an inferior animal to dogs and cats. Toads. Toads that just lie on the ground and squirm.) My drinking was getting bigger and bigger.Not only went to the vicinity of Koenji Station, but also went to Shinjuku and Ginza to drink, and sometimes even stayed out overnight.In order to avoid "following the same habits as yesterday", I either pretended to be a rascal in the bar, or kissed women one after another. The rougher and meaner drunks back then.When I was stuck with money, I even pawned Shizuko's clothes. It's been more than a year since I've come to this apartment and smiled bitterly at the wind-shattered kite.When the cherry blossom trees were growing tender leaves, I quietly stole the obi and shirt from Shizuko's kimono, took them to the pawnshop to pawn, and then used the money to go to Ginza to drink.I spent two consecutive nights outside, and on the third night, feeling unwell, I tiptoed to Shizuko's room again unknowingly.I only heard the conversation between Jingzi and Fanzi coming from inside: "Why drink?" "Dad doesn't drink because he likes to drink. It's just because he's so nice, so..." "Do good people have to drink?" "It's not like that, but..." "Papa might be surprised." "Maybe it'll be annoying. See, see, jumping out of the box again." "It's like a short-tempered little Ah Ping." "Exactly." I could hear Shizuko's low-pitched but heartfelt happy laughter. I opened the door a crack and looked inside, it turned out to be a little white rabbit.I saw the little white rabbit jumping around in the room, and Jingzi, mother and daughter were chasing it to play. (Happy, both of them. But I'm the bastard in the middle of them, messing up both of their lives. Frugal happiness. A good mother and daughter. Ah, if only the gods could hear the plea of ​​one like me once If so, then I will pray to the gods to grant me happiness, even if it is the only happiness in my life.) I squatted there, really wanted to put my hands together and pray.I gently closed the door and went back to Ginza.Since then, I have never returned to that apartment. But I once again boarded in the form of a concubine on the second floor of a simple bar not far from Kyobashi. the world.I began to vaguely understand the truth of the world, which is the struggle between individuals, and it is an instant and immediate struggle.One needs to win on the spot in that struggle.It is impossible for a person to obey another.Even as a slave, he will fight back in the way of a slave.所以，人除了当场一决胜负之外，不可能有别的生存方式。虽然人们提倡大义名分，但努力的目标毕竟是属于个人的。超越了个人之后依旧还是个人。世间的不可思议其实也就是个人的不可思议。所谓的汪洋大盗，实际上并不是世间，而是个人。想到这儿，我多少从对所谓的世间这一汪洋大海的幻影所感到的恐惧中解放了出来。不再像以前那样漫无止境地劳心费神了。即是说，为了适应眼前的需要，我多少学会了一些厚颜无耻。 离开高园寺的公寓后，我来到了京桥的一家简易酒吧。“我和她分手了。”我只对老板娘说了这一句话，但仅凭这一句话我已经决出了胜负。从那天夜里起，我便毫不客气地住进了那里的二楼。尽管如此，那本该十分可怕的“世间”却并没有施加给我任何伤害，而我自己也没有向“世间”进行任何辩解。只要老板娘不反对，一切的一切便不在话下了。 我既像是店里的顾客，又像是店老板，也像个跑腿的侍从，还像是个亲戚。在旁人眼里，我无疑是一个来路不明的人。但“世间”却没有表现出丝毫的惊讶，而且店里的常客们也“阿叶、阿叶”地叫我，对我充满了善意，还向我劝酒。 慢慢地我对世间不再小心翼翼了。我渐渐觉得，所谓的世间这个地方并非那么可怕了。换言之，迄今为止的那种恐怖感很有点杞人忧天的味道，就好比担心春风里有成千上万的咳细菌，担心澡堂里隐藏着成千上万导致人双目失明的细菌，担心理发店里潜伏着秃头病的病菌，担心生鱼片和生烤猪肉牛肉里埋伏着涤虫的幼虫啦、肝蛭啦，还有什么虫卵等等，担心赤脚走路时会有小小的玻璃渣扎破脚心，而那玻璃渣竟会进入体内循环，刺破眼珠，使人失明。的确，所谓“成千上万的细菌在那儿蠕动”或许从“科学”的角度看准确无误，但同时我开始懂得：只要我彻底抹煞他们的存在，他们也就成了和我毫无关联，转瞬即逝的“科学的幽灵”。人们常说，如果饭盒里剩下三粒饭，一千万人一天都剩三粒，那就等于白白浪费了好几袋大米；还有如果一千万人一天都节约一张擤鼻涕纸，就会汇聚成多么大的一池纸浆啊。这种“科学的统计”曾经使我多么胆战心惊啊。每当我吃剩一粒米饭时，或是擤一次鼻涕，我就觉得自己白白浪费了堆积如山的大米和纸浆。这种错觉死死地攫住我，使我黯然神伤，仿佛自己正犯下重大的罪孽一样。但这恰恰是“科学的谎言”、“统计的谎言”、“数学的谎言”。在黑灯瞎火的厕所粒，人们踩虚脚掉进粪坑里的事，会在多少次中出现一次呢？还有，乘客不小心跌进车站出入口与月台边缘缝隙中的事，又是会在多少人中有一个人发生呢？统计这种可能性是愚蠢可笑的，与此相同，三粒米饭也是不可能被汇集一处的。即使作为乘法除法的应用题，这也是过于原始而低能的题目。尽管它的确有可能发生，但真正在厕所的茅坑上踩虚了脚而受伤的事例却从没有听说过。不过，这样一种假设却被作为“科学的事实”灌输进我的大脑。直到昨天我还完全把它作为现实来接受并担惊受怕。我觉得自己是那么天真可爱，忍不住想笑。我开始一点一点地了解“世间”的实体了。 尽管如此，人这种东西在我的眼里仍旧十分可怕。在下去见店里的顾客时，我必须得先喝干一杯才行。可我又是多么想看到那些可怕的东西啊，所以我每天晚上都到店堂里去，就像小孩子总是把自己害怕的小动物紧紧捏在手中一样，我开始在喝醉的时候向店里的客人吹嘘自己拙劣的艺术论。 漫画家。啊，我只是一个没有大悲也没有大喜的无名漫画家。我内心中焦急地期盼着狂烈的巨大快乐，即使再大的悲哀紧随而来，我也在所不惜。可是，眼下我的乐趣却不外乎与客人闲聊神吹，喝客人请我喝的酒。 来到京桥以后，我已过了一年如此无聊的生活。我的漫画也不再仅仅限于儿童杂志，而开始登载在车站上贩卖的粗俗猥亵的杂志上。我以“上司几太”（情死未遂）这个谐谑的笔名，画了一些龌鹾的裸体画，并大都插入了《鲁拜集》[波斯诗人欧玛儿.海亚姆所著四行诗集]中的诗句： 停止做那些徒劳的祈祷， 不要再让泪水白白流掉。 来，干一杯吧，只想着美妙的事情 忘记一切多余的烦恼。 那用不安和恐怖威胁人的家伙 惧怕自己制造的弥天罪恶， 为了防备死者的愤然复仇， 终日算计，不得安卧。 叫喊吧！我的心因醉意而充满欢欣， 今早醒来却只有一片凄清。 真是怪我，相隔一夜， 我的心竟判若两人！ 难道正义是人生的指针？ 那么，在血迹斑斑的战壕 瞧那暗杀者的刀锋上 又是何种正义在喧嚣？ 哪里有真理给我们的指示？ 又是何种睿智之光在照耀闪烁？ 美丽与恐惧并存于浮世， 软弱的人子负起不堪忍受的重荷。 因为我们被播撒了情欲的种子， 所以总听到善与恶、罪与罚的咒语。 我们只能束手无策彷徨踟躇， 因为神没有赐给我们力量和意志。 你在哪里彳亍徘徊？ 你在对什么进行抨击、思索和忏悔？ 是并不存在的幻觉，还是空虚的梦乡？ 哎，忘了喝酒，那全成了虚假的思量！ 请遥望那漫无边际的天空， 我们乃是其中浮现的一小点。 怎能知道这地球是凭什么自转？ ! 自转，公转，反转，又与我们有何相干？ ! 到处都有至高无上的力量， 所有的国家，所有的民族， 无不具有相同的人性。 难道只有我一个是异端之族？ 人们都读了《圣经》， 要不就是缺乏常识和智慧。 竟然忌讳肉体之乐，还禁止喝酒， 好啊，穆斯塔法，我最讨厌那种虚伪！ （摘自掘井梁步译《鲁拜集》） 那时，有一个处女劝我戒酒。She said: “那可不行啊，你每天一吃午饭就开始喝得醉醺醺的。” 她就是酒吧对面那家香烟铺子里的小女孩，年纪有十七八岁，名字叫良子。白白的肤色，长着一颗虎牙。每当我去买香烟时，她都会笑着给我忠告。 “为什么不行呢？有什么不好呢？有多少酒就喝多少酒。人之子呀，用酒来消除憎恨吧！这是古代波斯一个诗人说的，哎呀，不用说这么复杂。他还说给我这悲哀疲惫的心灵带来希望的，正是那让我微醉的玉杯呐。这你懂吗？” "don't know." “你这小家伙，让我来亲你一下吧。” “亲就亲呗。” 她毫不胆怯地翘起了下嘴唇。 “混蛋，居然没有一点贞操观念。” 但良子的表情里分明却飘漾着一种没有被任何人玷污过的处女的气息。 在开年后的一个严寒的夜晚，我喝得醉醺醺地出去买香烟。不料掉进了香烟铺前面那个下水道的出口里，我连声叫着：“良子，救救我救救我。”良子把我使劲拽了上来，还帮我治疗右手上的伤口。这时她一笑也不笑，恳切地说道： "You drink too much." 我对死倒是满不在乎，但若是受伤出血以致于身体残废，那我是死活不干的。就在良子给我护理手上的伤口时，我寻思我是不是真的该适当地戒酒了。 “我戒酒。从明天起一滴也不沾。” "real?!" “我一点戒。如果我戒了，良子肯嫁给我吗？” 关于她嫁给我的事，其实只是一句玩笑话而已。 “当然咯。” 所谓“当然咯”，是“当然肯咯”的省略语。当时正流行各种各样的省略语，比如时男（时髦男子）呀，时女（时髦女子）等等。 “那好哇。我们就拉拉勾一言为定吧。我一定戒酒。” 可第二天我从吃午饭时又开始喝酒了。 傍晚时分，我踉踉跄跄地走到外面，站在良子的店铺前面，高喊道: “良子，对不起，我又喝了。” “哎呀，真讨厌，故意装出一副醉了的样子。” 我被她的话惊了一跳，仿佛酒也醒了许多。 “不，是真的。我真喝了呐。我可不是故意装出醉了的样子。” “别作弄我，你真坏。” 她一点也不怀疑我。 “不是一眼就明白了吗？我今天从中午起又喝酒了。原谅我吧。” “你可真会演戏呐。” “不是演戏，你这个傻瓜。让我亲亲你吧。” “亲呀！” “不，我可没有资格呀。娶你做媳妇的事也只有死心了。瞧我的脸，该是通红吧。我喝了酒呐。” “那是因为夕阳照着脸上的缘故。你想耍弄我可不行。昨天不是说定了吗？你不可能去喝酒的。因为我们拉了勾的。你说你喝了酒，肯定是在撒谎，撒谎，撒谎！” 良子坐在昏暗的店铺里微笑着。她那白皙的脸庞，啊，还有她那不知污秽为何物的“童贞”，是多么宝贵的东西。迄今为止，我还没和比我年轻的处女一起睡过觉。和她结婚吧，即使再大的悲哀因此而降临吾身，我也在所不惜。我要体验那近于狂暴的巨大欢乐，哪怕一生中仅有一次也行。尽管我曾经认为，童贞的美丽不过是愚蠢的诗人所抱有的天真而悲伤的幻觉罢了，可我现在发现，它确实真真切切地存在于这个世界上。结婚吧，等到春天到来，我和她一起骑着自行车去看绿叶掩映的瀑布吧！我当即下了决心，也就是抱着所谓的“一决胜负”的心理，毫不犹豫地决定：偷摘这朵美丽的鲜花。 不久我们便结婚了。由此而获得的快乐并不一定很大，但其后降临的悲哀却可以形容为凄烈之至，难以想象。对于我来说，“世间”的确是一个深不可测的可怕地方，也绝不是可以依靠“一决胜负”便可以轻易解决一切的场所。