Chapter 15 Chapter nine

I talked a lot about Anna and myself, but very little about my father.It's not because he's not an important part of the story, or because I'm not interested in him.I have never loved anyone as I loved him; of all the emotions that agitated me at that time, my love for him was the deepest, most stable, and most cherished.I knew him too well to talk about him consciously, and I felt too close to him.It is he, however, that I will add a little more to make his behavior acceptable.He is not a vain man, nor is he an egoist.Still, he was frivolous, hopelessly frivolous.Even I can't talk about him the way I can about someone who can't have deep feelings, irresponsible.His love for me could not have been born lightly, nor could it be regarded as a normal habit of fatherhood.He can suffer because of me, and no one can do that better than me.As for me, was the disappointment I experienced one day not just because of his gesture of abandonment, his averted gaze? ...He never put me under his lust.Some nights, he presumably passed up what Weber called a "gifted opportunity" in order to send me home.But besides this, I cannot deny that he may also be at the mercy of his own will, of capricious and frivolous temperaments.He doesn't think about the problem, for everything, he tries to give a physiological explanation that he thinks is reasonable: Do you think you are ugly?So sleep more and drink less.Likewise, with regard to the intense passion he sometimes felt for a woman, he did not think of repressing it, or stimulating it until it became a more complicated feeling, materialistic but considerate, Forgiving people, in short, very kind.

His lust for Elsa bothers him, though not in the way one might think.He doesn't think that way: "I'm going to cheat Anna. That means I don't love her that much." He thinks this way: "What a nuisance, this desire I have for Elsa! Gotta dismiss it quickly, or I'll get into trouble with Ana. "Besides, he loves Anna, he admires her. He has been involved with a series of flirtatious, somewhat stupid women in recent years, and she has changed him. She has satisfied both his vanity and His sensuality and sensibility. For she understands him, and offers him her wisdom and experience to compare with his own. Now, whether he realizes the sincerity and seriousness of her feelings for him, I wonder Not sure! To him, she is the ideal housewife, the ideal mother for me. But does he consider her the "ideal wife" and think of all the responsibilities that come with it? I don't think so. I I am sure, in the eyes of Cyril and Anna, he is as abnormal as I am. Of course this is said with tenderness. However, this does not prevent him from having an exciting life. Because he thinks life is ordinary, he puts all Vitality goes into it.

I wasn't thinking of my father when I was making plans to get Anna out of our lives, and I knew he would masturbate, like everything that had happened before: a breakup didn't hurt him as much as a regular life.Like me, the only things that can really touch him and damage him are habits and expectations.He and I, we are the same kind of people.Sometimes I think this is a noble, pure wanderer, and sometimes I think this is a dull, pathetic pleasure-seeker. During that time he was miserable, at least angry.For him, Elsa became a symbol of a past life, of youth, especially his youth.I think he wanted to die and said to Anna, "My dear, forgive me for a day; I must go to that woman and find out that I am not a little old man. I must feel her physical weariness again to make myself at peace." But he could not To her, not because Anna was jealous, or very chaste, which is difficult to discuss, but because she agreed to live with him on the following grounds: the era of frivolous debauchery is over; A schoolboy, but an adult; she gave him her life, so he too should behave himself, not a weak-willed wretch, ruled by his own frivolity.Anna cannot be blamed for this, it is as normal and reasonable as calculation.But this does not prevent the father from desiring Elsa, from desiring her with a desire that gradually surpasses any desire, with a double desire for forbidden things.

Undoubtedly, at that period, I could arrange everything.All I have to do is ask Elsa to give in to him, and find some excuse to take Anna to spend the afternoon in Nice or somewhere else.On his return, we'll find the father lightened up, tender with a love that's legitimate or at least becomes legitimate once back in Paris.However, there is also this point that Anna will not tolerate: She had been a temporary mistress like everyone else.How difficult her dignity, her self-respect, made our lives! ... However, I did not ask Elsa to make concessions to him, nor did I ask Anna to accompany me to Nice.I want the desires in my father's heart to fester and cause him to make mistakes.I couldn't bear Anna's contempt for our past life, her superficial contempt for what had been my happiness and my father's.

I don't want to insult her, but I want her to accept our outlook on life.She had to know that my father had lied to her, and she had to take it objectively as a brief sensual affair, not as an insult to her personal worth, to her dignity.If she wants her right anyway, she must let us borrow it. I even pretended not to know my father's distress.Above all, he cannot be made to trust me and force me to be his accomplice, to speak to Elsa and lead Anna away. I should pretend that his love for Anna and Anna herself were sacrosanct.Now I can say that I did it without difficulty back then.The thought that he might have cheated on Anna, and cajoled her, filled me with horror and a vague admiration.

We had some happy days before that: I increased my chances of stimulating my father's desire for Elsa.Anna's face no longer fills me with guilt.I sometimes imagine that she will accept the fait accompli and we will live peacefully a life that suits both our tastes and her interests.On the other hand, I used to meet Cyril; we made love secretly.The smell of the pine trees, the sound of the sea, the physical contact with him. …he started to feel guilty.He loathed the part I made him play.He accepts it only because I convince him that it is essential to our love.All this reflects a large degree of inconsistency and inner silence, but it does not mean any attempt or lie. (And as I said, my behavior alone forces me to judge myself.)

I hurried through this time, because I was afraid that after thinking over and over again, I would be caught up in some uncomfortable memories. This is the situation now: as long as I think of Anna's happy smile and her kind attitude towards me, I feel that something is hitting me, low, annoying, making me feel uncomfortable, depressed and flustered.I felt so close to what people call a guilty conscience that I had to resort to actions: lighting a cigarette, putting on a record, calling a friend.So, slowly, my thoughts turned to other things.But I don't like it: having to resort to the incompleteness and perishability of memory instead of fighting them.I hate to admit that my memory is imperfect and fleeting, even if it's to congratulate myself for being so.