Chapter 7 Part Two Chapter One

The clarity of my recollections from this time onwards astonishes me.I gained a more focused awareness of others and of myself.For me, spontaneity, a superficial egoism has always been a natural luxury.After all, I have experienced many things.Therefore, the past few days have made me quite embarrassed, prompting me to think and pay attention to my own life.I've been through all the pain of introspection without getting angry at myself for it. "This feeling," I thought, "is a foolish feeling for Anna. Poor, as cruel as the will to separate her from her father." But, after all, why should I say so? What about yourself?

As me alone, am I not free to feel what I encounter?For the first time in my life, this "I" seemed to be divided, and it was a real surprise to find such a duality.I found a good excuse.I chewed and said these reasons to myself.I consider myself sincere.But suddenly another "I" appeared, and she claimed that my reasons were all false, loudly saying that I lied to myself, even though these reasons seemed to be true.But in fact, isn't this other me lying to me?Isn't this sobriety the worst mistake?I spent hours and hours arguing with myself in my room, trying to figure out whether the fear and hostility Anna had created in me was now validated, or if I was a selfish, spoiled, falsely independent teenage girl.

During this time, I was losing weight.I only slept on the beach.I couldn't help but maintain an uncomfortable silence during the meal, which eventually embarrassed my father and Anna.I looked at Anna, kept paying attention to her, and all the time I ate, thinking: "Isn't this gesture she made to him an expression of love, a unique love? And this smile for me, with a smile in her eyes." How can I hate her?" But suddenly she said, "Raymond, when we get back to..." And then I was sick at the thought that she was going to share our lives, intervene in our lives .I just find her competent and cold.I thought: "She is cold and we are warm; she is bossy and we are uninhibited; she is indifferent to people and we are interested in them; she is discreet and we are jovial. Only the two of us are active. She will insert herself among us with her coolness, and she will take the heat and slowly take away from us the wholesome heat of carelessness. She will steal everything from us like a beautiful snake." I repeated Saying: "Beautiful snake...beautiful snake!" She handed me the bread.

I woke up suddenly and cried to myself: "But this is madness. This is Anna, wise Anna, your caretaker. Her indifference is her way of life, and you can't see any calculation in it. Her touch Not caring saved her from a thousand mean things. It was a testament to the nobility. "Beautiful snake...I felt myself turning pale with shame.I looked at her and softly begged her to forgive me.Sometimes, she met this kind of gaze unexpectedly, and her face was darkened with surprise and hesitation, and her words were suddenly interrupted.She instinctively looked for my father with her eyes.The father looked at her with admiration or lust, not understanding the cause of this uneasiness.I finally slowly dulled the atmosphere.I hate myself for this.

My father suffered as much pain as he could feel, which is to say, he had no pain, because he was madly in love with Anna, extremely proud, and extremely pleasure-loving.He was born only for these.However, one day, after an early treatment, I was lying on the beach drowsy, and he sat beside me, looking at me.I felt his eyes on me.I was about to get up, and with an air of gaiety (which I had grown accustomed to), to suggest that he go into the water, when he put his hand on my head, and said, raising his voice sadly: "Anna, come and see this skinny girl. She's so skinny. If homework makes her like this, it has to stop."

He thinks that all problems are solved.Maybe, before 10 days, this will clear everything up.But I've become much more complicated, and the hours of homework in the afternoon don't bother me anymore, because I haven't turned a book since I opened Patgerson's. Anna came over.Still lying on the sand, I listened intently to her footsteps.She sat down on the other side and whispered; indeed, it didn't do much for her.Besides, she just needs to actually do her homework and not wander around the room..." I turned over and looked at them.How does she know I didn't do my homework?Maybe she guessed my thoughts.I believe she can do anything.The thought frightens me.

"I didn't walk around the room," I retorted. "Did you miss that lad?" my father asked me. "no!" This is more or less a lie.But I really don't have time to think about Cyril. "But you're not in very good health," said the father solemnly. "Anna, do you see that? She's like a young chicken that's been gutted and roasted in the sun." "My little Seyenne," said Anna, "work hard, do your homework, eat more. This exam is very important..." "I don't care about this test!" I cried. "I don't care, do you understand?"

I looked her in the face desperately to let her know that this was more important than a test.She would say to me, "Well, why?" She would ask me a series of questions, and she would force me to tell her everything.At that time, she will convince me to decide what she wants.But then I wouldn't be bothered by these unpleasant, depressing feelings any longer. She stares at me.I saw her blue eyes dim with concentration, with reproach to me.So I knew she would never think of asking me a question and let me go because it never crossed her mind and she didn't think it would work.Regardless of whether she intends to harm me or not, it is contemptuous and indifferent.In addition, with everything that such a plan should have!Ana always gave things just the right amount of importance.So I will never, ever be able to negotiate with her.

I flung myself violently onto the sand.My cheek is against the warm sand.I sighed, trembling slightly.Anna put her hand on my neck peacefully and confidently, holding me still for a moment.During this time my nervous shaking stopped. "Don't complicate life so much," she said, "you used to be so happy, so lively, so carefree, and now you're so preoccupied and so blue. It's not your role for you. " "I know," I said, "look, I'm a carefree. Healthy, happy, stupid young man." "Come to lunch," she said. Father walks away.He loathes such quarrels.On the way, he took my hand and held it.It was a callused hand that gave strength.This hand held my snot when I was troubled by first love; it held my hand in moments of peace and bliss;For me, the hand that turns the steering wheel, or holds the keys at night and cannot find the keyhole, the hand that rests on a woman's shoulder or on a cigarette, can do nothing for me anymore.I hold this hand tightly.He turned around and smiled at me.