Chapter 5 be her love substitute

be her love substitute (1) 6 Sarah's family lived on University Street, not far from a small square where some bare trees were planted.Jean-Luc sat on a stool in the square and waited for a long time, but could not muster the courage.That day was determined to be the day of Eddie's engagement, and "Le Figaro" had already published the announcement of Sarah's house holding a reception the day before.Jean-Luc wanted to slip into that house, he had never crossed the threshold.He'd go in with the dancers and the boys and the gigolos, he'd go in, he'd meet Eddie.He has to go in.She must be snatched away from that Borische.Must be the first to possess her.He has this obligation to himself.

The weather was gloomy and humid.He had borrowed a nice suit from a friend and put it on over a coat that didn't fit well and was too thin for the season.He shivered with cold.His hands were numb and frozen like ice cubes.He has been there for three hours.He saw the florist walking in with a basket of roses.He saw the first cars arrive.He looked at the lighted windows.What floor is Sarah's apartment on?Eddie had never agreed to host him in her house, and he thought it was nothing...he didn't even think about it.What had his house to do with the family of the girl he loved, her house?He thought to himself:

"She thinks it's just right for me to be her love substitute..." Every now and then he stood up and walked across the square until he reached the adjacent embankment.As usual, the smell of the water, the darkness, and the muffled noise of the street calmed his mind.He walked slowly back to the stool in the square and waited.He decided to sneak in unnoticed when the crowd was in.At last he exclaimed: "Walk!……" How hard every step is!He lingered on the side of the road.The car drove by, splashing mud all over his face.When he reached the door, he stopped suddenly.How cowardly he is!He stepped back, leaning sideways against the wall.He waited... the minutes passed and he was still there waiting.Wait a minute, it's seven o'clock... wait a minute, it's too late... he heard the clock strike seven... the cars drove away one by one.He's still there waiting.When the two came out, they bumped into him.He suddenly thought:

"If they say the names of Sarah's family, I'll go in. Otherwise..." As soon as he thought of this, he heard them say Sarah's name, and said it aloud, right next to him, almost in his ear.He went in. He went upstairs, and just reached the second floor, he heard the low noise of the reception, footsteps, talking and laughter intertwined, he had never heard such a sound.Alone in middle school, penniless in college, he never walked into a salon full of strangers.He trembled with fear.But he went up anyway.He gritted his teeth, and there was only one thought in his mind: to force himself to move forward, without changing his face, and without betraying himself in the tone of his voice.

He walked through a long red corridor and then a living room.There are so many people here! ...nobody paid attention to him.He walked on, and as he walked, he suddenly saw Eddie.She also turned around at the same moment and saw him.They looked at each other without speaking.They are surrounded by guests.But he still lowered his voice and said: "I want to restore oblivion. You shouldn't miss an old friend and forget to invite him to your engagement wedding, right?" He looked at her with hot eyes.Eddie's face was flushed red, and the uncomfortable expression on her face almost calmed him. On that rusty stool, on that dark street, that simmering, pondering , The sentence that had been processed for a long time, was still so excited and panicked when it was blurted out, but he finished it completely without moving any muscles on his face.Soon he was breathing easily.He finally got himself under control!He will never be afraid of anything in the world again!She walked to his side in three or two steps, glanced aside, and whispered:

"Come on! I can't talk to you here. Go! . . . I'll find you, I swear!" "Are you scared? What are you afraid of? Are you crazy? Do you think I'm here to cry? Do you think I'm playing tricks? Why do you think of me so much?" Neither of them spoke, both panting and pale.But he regained his composure first: "Introduce me to your mother," he whispered. She seemed to hesitate, then led him to a gray-haired woman in her fifties.The woman, with pearls in her ears, a long pink dress, and a strange wrap hat, looked like an old photograph from 1910 or 1912.She was tall, with the shyness of tall women on her face.She lowered her head, shrank her neck, and leaned forward, as if she wanted to make people forget her height.Her face still has charm.She smiled slightly at Jean-Luc, her black eyes were shining with gentle light: "It's great that you can come..." She took his hand, looked at him friendly and sincerely, and whispered.

Behind Jean-Luc, another young man came up to greet her.She took his hand, with the same smile, said the same words.A young girl grabbed Eddie's arm and asked: "Shall we go to your room?..." Jean-Luc followed them.They walked through the living room and up a narrow spiral staircase.The bedroom into which Jean-Luc had entered was small and dark, half occupied by a large sofa.Some boys and girls are lying there.A boy puts his hand on the switch and turns the light on as soon as he hears footsteps. Jean-Luc leaned against the wall.The light from the lighter illuminated the face of a strange boy, the small head of a dark and slippery woman.Nobody cares about him.He heard them talking and laughing, their voices were noisy and low, the names of the people he mentioned were unknown to him, and he didn't understand the insinuations about some things.He and them are people from two worlds, separated from them by a distance.He passed.No one will notice him.They look so carefree, so happy and happy...

Several times someone said "Borocher...Borocher..." A man's voice, a very young voice, answered in an affected, playful tone.Jean-Luc was very curious.He fumbled to turn on the light, and Boroghe sat next to Eddie.This Boroucher looked to be about the same age as Jean-Luc, with a long, pale face, and thick black hair that looked like a hat... He looked so calm, arrogant, and self-satisfied!  … His divine gift, as if adorned with halos, was that sense of security.Jean-Luc knew that Boroghe's wealth was far more than enormous, it was so closely linked to the political and economic structure of Europe that no war, no social upheaval could damage it.It may be used, it may be diminished, but it will never disappear, never follow the fate of ordinary people.Nothing could turn this young man into a lad like everyone else, a lad like Jean-Luc, for whom the daily slice of bread was all that mattered.

With one hand, the light was turned off again.Jean-Luc folded his arms tightly around his chest, feeling his heart beating wildly after feeling the pressure.Fool, double fool! ... For two years he had been courageously and persistently painting his life into a certain picture, giving it a mood, a form, until he had painted this dirty, hard, straitened life Some kind of artistic color.He imagined looking for a girl from Girardeau, a "princess from Racine", a lover who was reserved and pure and belonged only to him... It was strangely stupid of him not to make Etty his mistress ! ... "That's the only way to get her," he thought suddenly, "after these girls have tried carnal love, nothing else matters to them..." He heard her laugh.He has never heard of this suppressed sexy smile, has he? ...

She was only two steps away from him, almost lying in Boluoche's arms.Suddenly, he rushed to her side with a stride, grabbed her hand in the dark, and held it firmly.He noticed that she was hesitating, her hand was shrinking back, and then that warm hand obediently obeyed his own.Confidence is the supreme panacea! ... A rush of hot blood rushed to his face.His heartbeat calmed down. be her love substitute (2) Later, when Boroucher stood up and left, Jean-Luc took her gently by the wrist.She complied and stayed with him.she asked in a low voice: "Do you still want to see me again?"

"Yes." He whispered back. She stood up and led him out of the room.They stood on the dark staircase, and she closed the door behind them quietly. "Of course," she said, "the other... that Bertrand... is not with him because of love..." "It's not love, what is it because of?... because of money?" They hugged each other so tightly that they trembled at the slightest sound, and they spoke almost mouth to mouth: "Ah! Come on! . . . Come on! . . . I'm so afraid..." "Afraid of Boris?" "No! . . . afraid of my father, especially . . . if he knew, if he suspected . . . " "Ah! I don't care about your father! . . . I want to know! . . . this Boroucher! But you're rich, you? . . . You don't need to be..." "You don't understand...it involves a certain social status, a certain standard of living...if you are looking for a husband, you must find someone who has a successful career, not a kid like you who has to start everything from scratch! I I'm impatient, I..." she said, pushing him away. "No confidence either. I understand." He said softly. "But I still like you! . . . I'm not lying, I swear to you, I like you. So, we'll meet again, will you? Bertrand is leaving. His father sent him to America for two Moon, I don't know what business... I'll be alone and free until..." She fell silent. "Until marriage, no doubt?" "Oh yes ... what else? ... My marriage doesn't get in the way of me. You listen, you go now. You come back when the time comes. Come back here. I'll have you invited to my at a friend's house. We still see each other as before, more conveniently than before. It's very simple..." "It's too simple." He squeezed out a sentence between his teeth. He took Eddie's hand and pulled her towards him suddenly, taking her breast in his hand like a fruit ready to be squeezed.This rough caress made Eddie cry out softly: "Brave!... Are you crazy?..." she murmured. But she relented immediately, put her arms around his neck, and said softly in a hoarse and low voice: "I really like you!" The door opened.She jumped upstairs in one stride, and he left too.He thought bitterly: "It's easy to deal with a woman..." 7 During the weeks after Beauroget's departure, Jean-Luc had frequent appointments with Eddie, sometimes at this friend's house, sometimes at her friend's house, sometimes at her own.At first, he only had eyes for Eddie, and the world around him no longer existed.Even the most intelligent child cannot be equal to an adult all at once.Those old people, he turned a blind eye to them, and he also blended in with them with an attitude of indifference and contempt.In his view, they have the same habitual movements, the same clothes, and the same expressions.They inhabit a world far from him.Thus, for the elderly, the younger generation forms an indistinct group in which only their children stand out. He was introduced to Sarah, but after a while he couldn't remember what Sarah looked like.He made the acquaintance of Sarah's friend Calicut Lanquin, who had served as Minister of Finance in Glaze's cabinet, which had recently come to power.Lankun was still young, relatively short and muscular, with black hair combed in Napoleon's locks on his forehead, and eyes that were piercing, as if they only reflected the outside world and never revealed themselves. Like any secret in the inner world.He thought that he was the representative of power for the younger generation, so when he was introduced to some young people he didn't know, he would silently look at them for a moment with the indifferent eyes of people in high positions.But soon, his natural kindness prevailed, or rather it was his habit in the election meeting... A charming smile spread across his face; while he smiled, he pouted, as if he was expecting someone else Walk over and pat it. This Lankun, this Sarah, and this Raisul - Lankun's opponents in the parliament, but they all came to the dinner at Sarah's house together, and called each other "you", it was they who controlled the country The right to distribute wealth is that they guard the door to freedom, money, and power.What they had was exactly what Jean-Luc never had: a network of relationships.Such a vital thing, but only crowned with such a small name! ... They know all the passwords, all the key words ... For them, there is nothing difficult in the world, and all difficulties can be eliminated, alleviated, and solved easily.Pleasing Lanquin, Resurre, and Sarah could save Jean-Luc many years of waiting and futile groveling.When he left Eddie, walked out on the street after the dance, and returned to the dark green island, he began to miss these people... Of course, they didn't know him, he entered their house through the small door, and This door is reserved for young people...there is a space in the house for playfulness, or love games...where he is more accepted.The girls were happy to see him, because he was handsome and loved by another girl, and the boys treated him equally.But those serious things, the kind of real money transactions, bribery and bribery, all happened around him, but they were so far away from him.Ambition, stifled for a while by love, began to flourish in him again.Is this kind of reasonable desire to place one's hopes on the world and say "I" also considered ambition? ... A life comes into the world with teeth, claws and muscles.He needs to grab something.He needs to bite with his teeth, needs to eat... and there is nothing around him. Be her love substitute (3) So he thought of marrying Eddie, but of course it wasn't the kind of marriage he had imagined, where she shared weal and woe with him, and she regarded him as the source of all happiness and comfort... The kind of marriage he had imagined was nothing but Just a child's dream.Life is too hard, he thought, to allow young passions to last too long.What if he married Eddie Sarah, if he used her? ... "Wealth and power," he said to Dourdin one day, "are the two breasts of a careerist." "But one of them is half exhausted," replied Dourdin, "because it is now the famous financial breast." The Age of Crash.” Yes, money is fleeting, ephemeral.He doesn't just work for money, there are other things besides money... He doesn't marry a girl just to get her handsome dowry, like a penniless poor boy did twenty or fifty years ago. do that.What he was looking for was some world, access to power, power in his hands, and money a little less... He had to know for himself the people who made up that world.They must be understood thoroughly until the social symbols that belong to them disappear and only their real faces are seen.You have to go to them when they are relaxed, when they are weak, to learn the rules of the game, to successfully overcome the initial barriers, to learn to use them, just like he will use Eddie... His love for Eddie In the relationship, there is both desire and anger.Their bodies blend together harmoniously, but they are opposing sides.They both want to be the strongest and the wisest, both want to deceive each other, and both of them will henceforth refuse to regret love, refuse to love each other in a humble way. At this time, Dourdan rented a room and had a date with his mistress there.He didn't tell Jean-Luc how he got the money, but when he learned the details of "Sarah's Adventures," as they both called it, he would free up rooms for Jean-Luc every week. Use for several nights.One night Jean-Luc finally brought Eddie into the room. It was late at night, and it was almost morning.They go out dancing together and come back in Eddie's car.They are all tired.It was a very mild January, a bewildering spring.Jean-Luc held the key of that room in his hand, and bet himself that before daybreak he would be Eddie's lover.He said softly: "Now, you come with me." She shrugged: "Going to your rented house?" "Anywhere...you'll find out later..." "No." "Ah! I knew you didn't have the guts! You're afraid, afraid of me, especially yourself, because you want me, because I'm not the gentle little boy you used to know... because you're afraid Love me……" He leaned close to her and said this into her ear, and he saw her beautiful, sexy lips quivering with desire. "Come on, I want it," he said finally. Dourdin rented a room in an old house on the Left Bank, where Jean-Luc had never been.The room was large and a bit dark, with the bed hidden in an alcove.Jean-Luc switched on the bedside lamp, which dimly illuminated the old floors, the mahogany furniture, and a small fireplace with firewood at the ready.The room was dead silent.Through the window you can see the already lit sky on the roof. Jean-Luc closed the curtains.They built a fire and sat for a while on a small sofa that creaked softly in the dark. Jean-Luc murmured: "You think you need money, or a certain standard of living to be happy, like you said . . . but you don't know yourself. But I, I, I know you. You love love. And right now, Whether you like it or not, your love is me, because you want me, because you like me..." She remained silent as he kneaded her ribs and breasts frantically.She was startled to discover that the child she thought was submissive to her was actually an adult, bossing her around like a master. The fire was not very strong, and made a muffled crackling sound, and suddenly it caught a piece of paper that might have been thrown into the ashes the day before, and a bright flame rose up, by which Jean-Luke saw the small picture of woman.That might be Marie Bélanger, he thought, Dourdin's mistress.She had a slender face, slightly long thinning hair, an archangel hairstyle, a mouth that drooped at the corners... He held Eddie in his arms, staring at the picture... and then the The flames dimmed.The room was plunged into darkness again, with only the bedside lamp illuminating the sheets. After Eddie became his mistress, he suddenly saw her crying.He was thrilled.He gently held her face up: "Why, Eddie? . . . why are you crying? . . . " She shook her head without answering.However, after a while, she took the initiative to throw herself into his arms, and this time she had already tasted the joy of fish and water, and all the fear and sorrow in her heart were swept away. 8 Just one hour was enough for Eddie to learn to enjoy carnal pleasures, which would predictably be the source of all her happiness from now on, and she would never want to know anything else. During the next month she often visited Dourdin's room with Jean-Luc.Jean-Luc's body has always had a strong and inarticulate allure and a fascination with dominating others.He was intoxicated by his ability to make her die.After lovemaking, there was a tranquility in Eddie's expression and gestures that it was impossible for him to remain indifferent to.From the hot carcass thrown into his arms, it seemed as if a fire had risen.He was proud and ashamed, of course the intoxicating pride of a man, but the thought of his love and tenderness, so hard-won, did not touch Eddie in the slightest, and the thought of her loving nothing but him. He was ashamed to give her physical pleasure.what!She doesn't look like the girl of her dreams... just a vulgar girl, a little bitch... She thought she loved him because she was very young and because he was her first lover, but she couldn't After a while, she would discover that any guy in the world, as long as he was young and strong, could give her the same quality of physical pleasure without missing a beat. Jean-Luc thought cynically: "Before she finds out about it..." Be Her Love Substitute (4) When she felt happy, she would close her eyelids, cuddle up to him, leaning against his side, and he could feel her whole body trembling, down to her slender and curved toes.But he, after making love, felt nothing but sorrow and disillusionment hidden in caresses like the bitter heart of a fruit. But at this moment, in Vishina, there is the smell of death and the panic of impending doom everywhere.Laurent Dagherne's condition worsened, but death was too late for the family.They loved him, but he had nothing, and they couldn't help thinking about the life insurance that might keep them alive.Dagelna has been suffering from illnesses, but he never dies.He is just a shadow, a breath, a lifeless body, but he is immortal.Medication, taxes, paying off those tight debts, money is needed all the time. Dourdin borrowed a sum of money from Jean-Luc, but it was only enough for a week's expenses.They had long ago sold the silverware and some of the little jewels that Mathilde had left behind.Jean-Luc and his stepmother made a tentative reconciliation, a reconciliation made of nervous tension and extreme sensitivity, which would stop as soon as the misfortune had passed, as everyone would have done together before the misfortune happened.Together, the two of them rummaged through boxes and cabinets at home to find things that could be exchanged for some money outside, but there was nothing valuable at home.Every time Jean-Luc came back, he had to take something with him, sometimes it was a picture frame, sometimes it was a book, and he would sell it in Paris and get a few dollars back the next day.Laurent Dagerner could see nothing, or pretended not to see anything.His body has been exhausted, and he can no longer bear the slightest worry, and has fallen into a state of extreme indifference, letting others do their work for nothing.He listened to Mathilde and his son muttering there, didn't ask anything, and let them serve and take care of them.Sometimes he looked at Jean-Luc with that almost imperceptible irony of a sick or old man, as if to say: "Now it's your turn! . . . As for me, my friends, I can finally rest." The trembling withered hands picked up the book that had been put aside for a while, and in it he found a worthy book. his wisdom. One day there were only two silver candlesticks left in the house, which had once adorned the dressing table of the first Mrs. Dagherner, while the other phials, boxes and combs had long since disappeared.In the small, dark front room that smelled of damp and saltpeter, Mathilde wrapped two heavy candlesticks in newspaper and put them under Jean-Luc's armpits.Then she started crying, maybe hating the first woman for having a good life.Jean-Luc caressed her face gently, and she leaned in his arms for a moment, letting the tears flow down her cheeks. "Ah! My child... Now, I have nothing to hope for but you... Joseph is only a child... How shall we live in the future?" After arriving in Paris, Jean-Luc began selling his candle holders from store to store. They were worn out by the newspaper wrappings and were so heavy that Jean-Luc had to change hands frequently.He didn't take the drudgery too seriously.These old antiques did not touch him in the slightest.His real mother, he could barely recall, and in any case, the image of his mother had no connection with the two menorahs, which he had always found terrifying.The candlesticks are inlaid with Cupid, flowers and quiver.He wanted someone else to melt it down as quickly as possible and get a few hundred francs.He walked down the Rue Saint-Germain, searching in the drizzle for the signs of the silverware shops, which were everywhere in the block.There was one just across the way, with shelves littered with assorted silverware, a holy image, and a collection of dessert knives. "Sir, are you interested in this candlestick?" "No." "Do you want to take a look?" "I told you I don't want to watch it." okay then.To another shopkeeper: "Ma'am, I want to sell..." The smile on the face of the hostess disappeared immediately. "...these two silver candlesticks." "Now we don't charge anything." Another one.Change to another one.A door was slightly open, signaling to open the package.No?Good night.He started to walk on, and the rain was still falling.The beautiful trees along the street had lost all their leaves in the spring storm.Gradually, a sense of lassitude came over him, and it wasn't just the body and the arms that were heavy from the weight of the candlestick...however, he had to get used to it.Isn't this his profession?Hasn't he been selling shoddy goods that no one wants? …Hasn’t he been selling soap, solder, Larousse dictionaries, vacuum cleaners, radios, his youth, spirit, and strength? ...marketing...and getting nothing... Now, he walks in the small streets and alleys around the Saint-Germain Avenue, knocking on doors from house to house. There are many short shops with white three-dimensional characters written on the glass illuminated by lights: "For sale. Cash Buy gold and silverware." But no one was interested in his two candlesticks, or the price offered by others was too low.Then, he moved on. Finally, at six o'clock, he remembered that Eddie was waiting for him at Dourdin's house.He climbed the stairs slowly and walked in.She has arrived.He sat down by the fire and tried to warm his cold fingers.The rain had run down his neck earlier, soaking his clothes and the soles of his shoes.He shivered with cold.He had dropped the package on the ground and it fell apart.she asked: "What it is?" "A gift for my father." He slowly brought his hands to her face.He was almost exhausted... She stood by him, smiling and muttering: "Come on...let's come together..." go to bed.She's only there for the bed...he angrily pushes her to the edge of the bed.He has no love in his heart, just wants her to submit and use her, just as she uses him for physical pleasure.The two of them lay down on the bed, the two of them were so close, their naked bodies were connected together seamlessly, there was no longer any boundary, and their legs were also entangled, the two were so closely connected, yet so far away... He was like His life and his dreams were erected like scaffolding, but she enjoyed the sweet tranquility after the satisfaction of carnal pleasures. No matter what the cost, he will be her husband.No matter what the price is, she must be made to give up Boluoche.And in order to achieve this goal, he has only one way.He turned to her and hugged her again.After a while, she lowered her voice and said: "No, no, be careful..." "why?" "I'm afraid, Jean-Luc..." "Are you afraid of having children? . . . Cough! What does it matter?" "I do not want……" He said in a lower voice: "You will not marry Boroucher. You will marry me, understand? You will marry me, me!" She leaned on the pillow, stared at him for a long time, and brushed the loose hair hanging from his face: "You know you have every right over me...you're abusing it. But you don't love me..." "What about you?" he asked softly. She didn't answer.She suddenly fell backwards, wanting to die, and also obeyed everything, but not to him, but to the devil resident in his heart. Be her love substitute (5) 9 At the beginning of May, Jean-Luc finally received a letter signed by one of Abel Salar's secretaries.How he looked forward to this letter! "Mr. Abel Sara has something important to discuss with you. Please be sure to come to his office at eleven o'clock on Monday morning." Eddie finally told her father about them!Not long ago, she wrote to Bertrand Boroucher announcing the annulment of their engagement.Almost two months later, she knew she was pregnant.Tomorrow, Jean-Luc will face Sarah directly.At last, at last, at last he was going to fight, to act, to conquer—not to conquer a woman, and a woman is too easy to conquer: some caresses, a body that never tires, a heart that is inseparable, and nothing else Nothing else was needed—a man, and that man was a rival to him.He read the letter over and over as if it were a love letter.He felt the exhilarating excitement that men who were born to do acted so excitedly when they finally got rid of their dreams.For so many days, besides dreaming, has he done anything else? ... It was a Sunday, a chilly afternoon in a freezing winter.As usual, he went to Vishina.In the garden, several of the flowers Joseph had planted had frozen to death.Only the thin lilac tree was in full bloom in the cold wind, but the leaves were blown away.The leaves fell into the faux-marble jar, which Jean-Luc found always filled with rainwater and dead leaves.He circled the house slowly, waiting for his father to come downstairs.As soon as she heard that her son was coming back, Laurent Dagerner was walking with difficulty in the living room.What's there to worry about Jean-Luc?He would leave his son only with the memory of a certain courage in the face of sickness or death, a memory not of submission—who ever really surrendered—but of silence, serenity, and acceptance.Sitting on the bed, he didn't have the strength to fasten the belt of his nightgown, and he just panted lightly. Jean-Luc was walking down the path.Joseph has been digging the ground in the garden, and he has recently become obsessed with gardening.Jean-Luc looked at the house and garden with a mixture of love and hate.This thick curtain of cedar trees, the bricks glistening in the rain, was the most familiar scene of his life in the past, heavy and short.As he always did, he raised his eyes to the stained-glass panes at the ends of the two floors, elongated by the height, and the small bell towers on the roofs. , like a chapel in a cemetery.All four panes of glass were painted, one green, one yellow, the third red, and the fourth, the one in the utility room, a dark blue so blue it was almost black.As a child, Jean-Luc used to look at the garden through each pane of glass in turn, and his mother held him in her arms and said: "It's a spring morning, it's a bright summer day, it's an autumn evening," and pointing to the fourth dark glass, "it's a winter night." He could still hear the words, but his mother's voice was gone, and her face... a shadow engulfed in oblivion. His stepmother knocked on one of the windows to call him.He went into the drawing room, where Laurent Dagerner was waiting for him.Without the white shirt and white pillow, he looked less pale.Jean-Luc asked: "Did you sleep well?" "Not bad at all." "how do you feel?" "You know, it's not getting better every day, but it's getting better. Don't worry, it's getting better..." They stopped talking.Jean-Luc had grown numb to the immense silence which had grown naturally around his father for some time.It was already a terrible silence, the silence of a grave.Never before had the young man heard the chime of the clock so clearly.The slow swing of the pendulum filled the hall, filled the room... ah!What a time to live! "Son, what about you?" "me?" "Yes." "Father, I'm getting married soon, if... some of the plans I've got in my head work out." Laurent Daguener gently raised his trembling hand to beckon Jean-Luc to his side.Jean-Luc smiled slightly: "Does this surprise you? ... How? ... Do you think I'm too young? ..." “这年月，一个人生活太艰难了，”达格尔纳低声说道，“需要许许多多的勇气，许许多多的爱……” “我的未婚妻特别地有钱。她是阿贝尔· 撒拉的女儿。那是人们所说的良缘。你别担心。” “可你爱她吗？” “当然了。”让-卢克冷冷地说。 他站起来，走到窗户边，掀起窗帘的一角；雨水在窗户玻璃上流淌，就像大颗的眼泪。他能让父亲明白他所追求的并不是金钱，而是进入一个独霸世界财富的世界？父亲怎么可能赞成他这么做呢？……在他那个时代，成功靠的是工作和机遇。工作很好找。可让-卢克，自从他成人之后还做了别的什么吗？……每个人生下来都带有一丁点运气的。但是到了这年月，仅靠运气还远远不够。撒拉的世界，金融和政界，那是惟一还有可能使他在里面一步登天的世界，一个不会萧条的世界，他可以在这个世界里采取行动，实现自己的远大目标。因为，除此之外，还有什么呢？……什么地方都找不到工作，什么都不可能，并不过分的升迁的愿望、实现最自然而然的心愿都没有希望，都不可能。他拼命地节衣缩食，才拿到了几张文凭，岂知文凭的分量只是按照那张印了几个字的薄纸的重量来衡量。这就是生活给予他的全部。 他大声说道： “我向你承认，这件事中智谋的成分要多过爱情。” 洛朗· 达格尔纳摇了摇头： “你还年轻。要留神。” “我是很年轻。但我觉得自己老了。” “是这样的，就是这么回事……在你这个年纪，只要寻求快乐和年轻的激情就可以了。野心，盘算，那是晚些时候的事。不应该……不能揠苗助长……” 让-卢克微微一笑： "I do not have choice." “我知道，”父亲语调里充满了担忧和羞耻，别人一谈到这个时代，他马上就采用这种语调，仿佛他对儿子身处这样的时代要负责一样，“我知道，这不是你的过错，但做这种事相当危险。不应该扼杀自己的青春。她会报复的。野心，盘算，那是成熟男子热衷的事情。当我们的人生刚开始的时候，好像都得经历这么一个弱小、盲目、疯狂的时期，这是一个必经的阶段。然后，你就会……” 做她的爱情替代品（6） 让-卢克喃喃道： “是的，你所说的都是对的，可是……” 何必费尽口舌去解释呢？人生抽象的那一面对老人才有意义。而对让-卢克来说，他可不允许自己拥有那种从高处俯瞰生活的奢侈。他必须残酷斗争，从别人那里抢到面包、自尊心的满足和物质财富。他把从父亲膝盖上滑下来的被单拉好，轻轻地吻了一下他的前额。他就像对一个孩子一样对他说： “你一直说啊，说啊……你已经累了……” “我累了。”达格尔纳谦恭地承认。 After a while, he fell asleep.让-卢克只是在吃完晚饭的时候再瞅了他几眼。第二天一大早，他就走了。离开父亲的时候，他并不激动。然而，达格尔纳几个小时之后可能就要死了。 10 火车在清晨笼罩着乳白色浓雾的乡村缓缓地行驶。在三等车厢里，窗户是紧闭着的，乘客呼出的气息和烟雾给车厢里面蒙上一层厚厚的雾气，世界就好像封闭和窒息了一样。 让-卢克时不时地用手擦一下玻璃，看着窗外，但他偶尔才能看到一棵树从斜坡边上冒出来，树上的雨水闪着亮光，除此之外，什么也看不见。 车轮每转一圈，让-卢克离自己的家就更远一些……那个阴森可怖的绿色的维希纳，那栋惨不忍睹的楼房，那幅死气沉沉的、破产、失败的景象，他是多么恨那个地方啊！ ……失败，这是他永远也忍受不了的东西！ ……那种失败的气息，他只是在爱蒂欺骗他的时候，才体会过一次；那个时候，他还爱着她，但它只是像电流一样刺激了他一下，却并没有把他打垮。对于失败，他只接受其中的教训。他只想看见自己从地上爬起来，东山再起。然而，有一些失败是决定性的，无药可救的。他的父亲……想起来都觉得可怕！ ……what!尽快把它忘记，一心一意只想未来和成功吧！ ……他已经急不可耐了。这列火车开得多慢啊！它每一个车站都停靠，没完没了。让-卢克走到过道上，把脸贴到冷冰冰的车窗玻璃上，慢慢地握紧了拳头。终于熬出头了，终于熬出头了！ ……平生第一次，他觉得自己是自己生活的主宰，他觉得自己把它带到了某一个转折点，在这个转折点上命运必然会重视他，重视他的意愿！ ……他必须把生活从那么多试图把它夺走的凶猛的敌人那里拯救出来，从贫困、耻辱和气馁中拯救出来，保护它不受别人和自己的侵害。 “总之，”他心想，“只能是这么回事，自我保护的本能。因为，如果别人问我：'你想要什么？……快乐吗？……'不，肯定不是这个……但我想要得到别人拒绝给我的东西，那便是我生活的权利！我不想再等了，不想再在一扇紧闭的大门前原地踏步。我想生存，活下去，说出'我'这个字！” 他摸着口袋里撒拉寄来的那封信，还从未像这样摸过一封信，即使是在他爱着爱蒂的那些最痛苦的日子里，他也没有这样抚摸过她的一封信。感觉到生活触手可及是一件多么快乐的事情啊！……再过不到一个小时，他就会身处撒拉的办公室……没有任何东西能阻挡他。他会毫不退缩地坦白他和爱蒂的关系，还有肚子里的那个孩子……他“以自己的名誉”做担保，这是他青少年时期的最后一个回声。他有点迷信。最让他觉得高兴的是，他想到自己的愿望这么快就实现了，而且他刚有了念头，孩子就怀上了，这个孩子撒拉老爹一定会接受的，爱蒂已经接受了…… “这是她给我的最大的爱的证明：没有企图弄掉孩子。” 撒拉会说什么呢？……他会拒绝给钱吗？……很有可能。但他不仅不会真的让自己的女儿在让-卢克的身边饿死，而且还会以这门婚姻将让-卢克带到一个他希望进入的世界。无意之间，他的拳头攥得紧紧的。他会迫使阿贝尔· 撒拉重视他，让-卢克· 达格尔纳，鞋底都破了洞的穷孩子……平生第一次，他根据一个男人的力量和愿望来决定自己该使用的力量。 火车停了下来。一些妇女大包小包、拖儿带女地上了火车，还带着大束大束香喷喷、湿漉漉的丁香花。女人们走过的时候，都会向这个光着脑袋、头发散乱地落到前额上的站在堆满行李的过道上的小伙子投来微笑，这个小伙子带着天真的傲慢，扬起他冷峻美丽、一脸兴奋的面庞。 火车终于接近巴黎了。雾慢慢地升起来，露出了黑乎乎的烟囱和塞纳河上的桥梁。终于，到巴黎了。 11 撒拉银行不是让-卢克想象中的那种高楼大厦，倒更像是一幢又老又暗的特别的饭店。 他差不多刚到银行就被领到了撒拉的办公室，那房间装了细木护壁板，天花板出奇的高。一大块退了颜色的红色幕布拉在窗户前，挡住了阳光。 让-卢克看了一眼坐在办公桌后面，一语不发地看着他走过来的阿贝尔· 撒拉。让-卢克以前在撒拉家吵吵嚷嚷的宴会上勉强见过撒拉，但已经记不得他的脸部轮廓了。撒拉相对地显得年轻，这让他很吃惊。以前，他一直把撒拉想成是一个老头子——“老撒拉”。撒拉显得年轻、消瘦，一头黑发，只有胡子是灰色的，而且很稀疏。他的脑门很高，向后倾斜着，鼻子很大很肥厚，鼻孔特别大。闪光的镜片遮住了他的目光。 撒拉首先开口说话： "Please sit down." 让-卢克默默地听从了他的吩咐。撒拉摘下眼镜，擦着镜片，然后把眼镜举起来，透过镜片看着。他的眼睛很小，很深。让-卢克心想：“这就是明察秋毫的目光吗？……假如自己是撒拉银行里的小职员，拿每个月一千二百法郎的薪水，我会发现他那明察秋毫的目光吗？……” 他感觉好像有些失望。他想象中的撒拉的财富和权力与撒拉的外表反差是那么大……可是这盯着他的目光极其专注。这个人身上的哪个地方都知道如何保持沉默，不只是他的声音，还有他的神情，他的肌肉。可以想到，他经常把希望寄托在沉默上，寄托在不动声色、漫不经心，以此制服最容易激动、更急于出手的对手。 他的声音很尖，但高声平稳准确，给人的印象是很紧张和虚弱，他竭力不把声音抬高，而是压住它，把它变成低语。所以，让-卢克一开始听到的像是耳语。 做她的爱情替代品（7） “是这样。我女儿爱蒂跟我说你俩有结婚的打算。在把这件事看得很严重之前，我觉得那是不可能的，所以我想见见您。您，难道不是一个出生于卑微家庭的、既无工作又无任何职业的穷光蛋吗？” “一点没错。”让-卢克说道。 “那么……您本人不觉得这个计划很荒唐吗？” “您想叫我怎么做，先生？” “很简单，承诺不再与我的女儿见面。” “开什么玩笑……”让-卢克低声说道。 他终于达到目的了：激怒这个人，迫使他使出浑身解数。撒拉跳了起来，抬高了声调： "Say what?" “是的，先生，我不是来向您求婚的。爱蒂跟您说过我们有结婚的计划。您要明白，我们是经过深思熟虑的，把这个决定的所有办法、所有后果都考虑过了，包括会引起您极度的不快，可您要明白，您同不同意对我们来说都无关紧要。” “我的钱对您来说并不是无关紧要的。您好好听着。我请您相信我，因为我觉得您非常有眼力，懂价识货。爱蒂没有个人财产。我想您早就知道。在我们家只有一个主人，那就是我。需要我的人都得服从我。我的女儿也会服从我。否则，她将一无所有。您听明白了吗？” “您给不给钱，我们都要结婚。我从来也没有向爱蒂允诺过财富。要是我能养活她呢？自我读完中学之后，我就从未向任何人要过一分钱，却照样活了下来。穷困潦倒，我不否认，但我总能租得起一间房子，吃得饱肚子。我能养活一个人，肯定也能养活第二个人。必要的时候，我妻子也外出工作。您知道吗，在我来见您之前，我就没指望会听到您说别的话！……但在我们这个年代，金钱是如此昙花一现、稍纵即逝，所以它对我们的命运不会有任何影响。” “您真是个疯子。”撒拉尖声叫了起来，他没能把尖叫声压下去。 “这一定是他生气时最明显的症状，”让-卢克暗想，“我亵渎了金钱。” 但撒拉好像费了好大的劲才让自己安静下来。他的声音再一次变成了低语： “我跟您再说一遍，我不想把这件事看得特别严重。我自己也年轻过。我知道年轻人会幻想什么，期待什么……可这件事……是不可能的……这是小孩子的异想天开。您不可能娶爱蒂。” “我不可能不娶爱蒂，”让-卢克低声说道，“这是非常严肃的。” “什么？”撒拉问道。 他微微站起身来。有那么片刻，两个男人一语不发地相互看着。让-卢克估计他会暴跳如雷，但他从未见过一个人的表情因为气愤而扭曲得如此突然，如此奇异。撒拉向他扑过去，抓住他的两只手，但他身材瘦小，仅能够到让-卢克的胸部；他自己可能也感觉到打斗是恶劣的、好笑的。于是他停了下来： “她是……我女儿是您的情妇吗？” "yes." “还有……有孩子了？……你们有个孩子要出生了？……小杂种……小讹诈者，可怜的小家伙！……我要杀了你们，我要杀了你们两个！……你们这两个……” 当他骂够了，发泄够了，让-卢克柔声说道： “您不认为您所说的所有这些话都是白费口舌吗？不幸现在已经发生了。” “犯罪啊！……您的所作所为是犯罪！……我一定会把你们杀了！……” “……这些金融家可是最后的浪漫派。”让-卢克心想。他心里清楚得很，撒拉必然会同意这门婚事。他重新感觉到狂热赋予他的这种超出常人的清醒。他离开撒拉，走到窗户边，双臂交叉着站在那里，等着撒拉消气。 撒拉终于重新恢复了平静。 “这已经不是什么新鲜玩意儿了，”他用更低的声音说道，“但总能成功，在一个伤风败俗、卑鄙无耻的可怕的年代，您用在年轻女孩子身上更容易得手，一个真正的女孩子！孩子该在什么时候出生？” “还有六七个月吧。” 撒拉用两只手蒙住脸。时间一分一秒地流失。这个人真能沉得住气，他的泰然自若真让人吃惊。有一丝亮光，让-卢克以为他哭了……得了吧，他才不会呢，那会很可笑……不会，他不会哭。他蒙住脸，是在那里冥思苦想、深谋远虑。让-卢克对撒拉的感受饶有兴趣。他真的相信爱蒂纯洁天真、头脑简单吗？真是天大的玩笑……爱蒂，随便哪个小伙子想要她，她都会送上门去的；爱蒂只懂感官享乐，没头没脑，比最冷淡的布娃娃都好不到哪里去！……他现在太了解她了。而这个可怜的男人，真的动了肝火，那么痛苦难耐……真的很好笑……真的很感人……然而，爱蒂是多么像他啊！她的举手投足，她的眼神跟他何其相似……是的，眼神的那种专注……在某些时刻……然而，这个撒拉，可能不大会遭受肉欲的折磨。这真的很奇怪……带着同样的专注，撒拉的身上有些特别的东西，让人想起躁狂症患者表现出的那种全神贯注，让-卢克暗想。 时间一分一秒地过去，但撒拉没有抬起头。让-卢克拿起丢在一张椅子上的外衣，说道： “您愿意把您的决定写信告诉我吗？”他低声问道。 撒拉慢慢地把掩住脸部的手放了下来。 “您给爱蒂带来了不幸，但也给您自己造成了不幸，相信我的话。您以为自己已经富有、幸福，已经是阿贝尔· 撒拉的乘龙快婿了，是不是？……如果您早知道……知道您是何等……可笑……您可真会打如意算盘啊……但您是枉费心机。您今后会知道我说这话是什么意思。那么，您听好了。您不要插嘴，嗯？什么话也不要说。我不想听到您的声音。您会娶到爱蒂，你俩将会从我这里拿到仅仅是不至于饿死的生活费。至于嫁妆，我很抱歉。没有嫁妆，没有一分钱。我事先禀告您，孩子一出生，我就会不惜一切代价拆散你们的婚姻。您听明白了吗？您将来不会说我背信弃义吧？” “我会自卫的。”